Posts Tagged ‘spam’

Spam Report: December 2012

Last Spam report of 2012! What with vacation and my internet freaking out, I ended up leaving my spam folder alone for about 2 weeks! Until this morning, when I checked and saw that I had 487 new messages. What can I say, spambots love me. So, after a laborious culling process, I bring you these:

On my NaNoWriMo post:

Michael writes:

It’s a slow news day because there’s nnthiog new on the Paris Hilton front.I think the major media organizations would fry a fuse if an atom bomb went off from a terrorist in New York AT THE SAME TIME that Paris was being let out of jail.It would probably be resolved by stand-by cameras at Paris’ jail, with brief interruptions for news on the attack.

I can only assume Michael is trying to give me ideas for next year’s NaNoWriMo. Sorry, Michael, but scathing social commentary on the state of the media is so 2008.

Sundance writes:

My problem was a wall until I read this, then I smsahed it.

I love this metaphor, Sundance, and the way I am now envisioning you as some kind of angry Wario character. I don’t know what kind of problems my NaNoWriMo bragging post helped you solve, but I’m guessing boredom, since it takes a good while to get through Mazelandia.

On my Hobbit Review post:

Omar Scoggins writes:

The next time I learn a weblog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as significantly as this one. I mean, I do know it was my option to learn, even so I really thought youd have 1 thing interesting to say. All I hear is really a bunch of whining about something that you could repair when you werent too busy seeking for attention.

Whatever, Omar. You’re entitled to your own opinion, and you’re probably right that if I took the time to slog through The Silmarillion I wouldn’t be whining so much about the books, but HOT THORIN IS MY KING AND NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL CHANGE THAT. Sorry that got heated.

silver price once again tries too hard to pretend he’s people by rambling about something just slightly off-topic:

‘Return of the King’ is the most enjoyable because in the structure of the movies, it is nothing other than pay-off, there is no more setting up to do, no more exposition, no more introducing characters. The pay-off is very character-based. It is action-orientated as well, but all of our characters have been pushed to a point where their life and death depends on what happens in the third movie. It is very emotional, and from an actors point of view it is very enjoyable to work on, because they were able to play some pretty intense drama. From my point of view it was always great, because we were heading toward an ending, a climax which we never had in the other two.

I agree with you, silver price, although Return of the King had the one drawback of finally turning Viggo Mortensen’s permastubble into a full-fledged beard, an act I can never forgive. I still mourn for you, dirty, stubbly Aragorn. Where did you go?

When I asked Can You See This:

Nacci responded:

Death thru Adams sin is not punishment it is simply the result. Thru free will then we have to the choiceď to accept or refuse Gods free offer of salvation. God is allowing lucifer to run his best game plan so he can defeat him “honorably” Punishment follows. If there were no death what would we have? Were there no reward or punishment, what would justify anything? I simply try to follow Christ and not fry my brain trying to figure out all the deep secrets of God. We will know one day.

Nacci, are you saying that I should stop trying to fix my Internet because it’s one of the “deep secrets of God”? So was replacing my wireless card like opening the Ark of the Covenant? Why is my face still unmelted? Maybe you’ll say that Indiana Jones isn’t religious canon, but to that I would respond that I can’t take life advice from anyone who doesn’t know what an apostrophe is.

And, weirdest comment of the month goes to jackets on my 2012 Booklist: The Good post:

The testicles remain, so unlike a castrated ram the teaser ram still produces male hormones. He acts and reacts like a normal ram. Ugh. The builders obviously went way past the inherent limits of their building algorithms.. People who buy used clothing online usually look for designer items first. Familiarize yourself with the going rates of both brand new and used designer goods.

I don’t even know what to say, jackets.

Thanks for a great year, spambots! See you in 2013!

Previously: November

Spam Report: November 2012

Like myself, my adoring spambot fans seem to have taken the month of November off. Maybe they too were writing NaNoWriMos, which I picture as just being 50,000 words of raccoon stories. Obviously they were saving their best material for that, so I was just left with:

Chicken tractor commenting on my Pandowdy post:

I happen to be writing to make you know what a fantastic discovery my cousin’s child had going through your webblog. She mastered a wide variety of things, which include what it is like to have an amazing helping mindset to have most people clearly know precisely several advanced subject matter. You truly did more than people’s expected results. Thanks for providing these warm and friendly, trustworthy, revealing and in addition unique tips on that topic to Janet.

I’m glad your first cousin-once-removed Janet is learning so much from my blog, I assume about Sam Neill. But, I’ve gotta say, Chicken Tractor, I would have been more grateful for your praise had not Panic Attacks upped the ante:

On that same post, Panic Attacks writes:

I am just commenting to let you be aware of what a fantastic encounter my wife’s princess developed viewing your webblog. She figured out a wide variety of issues, which include how it is like to possess a very effective helping character to have certain people really easily master a variety of advanced matters. You really surpassed our own expected results. I appreciate you for rendering such invaluable, safe, educational and cool tips on that topic to Ethel.

A PRINCESS IS READING MY BLOG, YOU GUYS!!!!!!!! I mean, I’ve never heard of a Princess Ethel, but I feel like now I have to change the title to The Royal Plaid Pladd, and maybe add a coat of arms. Get on it, Steven.

On my October Spam Report, Gavin writes:

You…are…my…hero!!! I cant believe some thing like this exists on the web! Its so accurate, so honest, and a lot more than that you simply dont sound like an idiot! Lastly, a person who knows the best way to talk about a subject without sounding like a kid who didnt get that bike he wanted for Christmas.

Thanks, Gavin. I try my best to be accurate, honest, and non-idiotic when I can. I don’t know how someone who missed out on a Christmas bike would answer spam comments, but maybe you’ll get to see next month when no one can figure out a way to cram a ten-speed into my stocking!

corporations offshore writes:

The best things in life happen when you get carried away. I went into a cooking school to write about what it means to be a chef, and instead I became a cook, got a job line cooking, lucked into one of the great restaurants of the world to work with the chef on his book, and I kept on writing about food. I got carried away, and it’s made all the difference.

Inspiring words, corporations offshore, but are you suggesting that my spam answering is getting carried away? Was it because I presented one in the form of a poem? I say I haven’t been going far enough. Next month, I’m recording myself dramatically reading one and forcing Steven to applaud me with finger snaps.

Nadene Corcoros writes:

Fantastic post however , I was wondering if you could write a litte more on this topic? I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit more. Appreciate it!

Wish granted, Nadene!

Previously: October 2012

Spam Report: October 2012

Some of my spam from this month was even vaguely Halloween themed! And not just because the spelling and grammar was so scary!

On my Banned Books week 2012 post:

oszustwa writes:

Strange this post is totaly unrelated to what I was searching google for, but it was listed on the first page. I guess your doing something right if Google likes you enough to put you on the first page of a non related search.

What can I say, oszustwa? Google totally has a soft spot for sarcastic Sam Neill reviews and challenged books.

Sol Ellinwood writes:

Well, I deduce that could ensue because Abigail and the girls commenced accusing additional folks of witchcraft when they had been recently naked dancing naked in the interior the woods and therefore, aberrant. Abigail furthermore engaged in a affair down with John Proctor. Those they were accusing were absolutely not answerable of accurately what they’d been recently accused linked with, and the exacting accusers had been the furthermost machine on the globe from being holy… they wrecked positive point of reference bogus witness.

I am all for a spirited debate about the Salem Witch Trials, Sol Ellinwood, especially since I once wrote a paper in high school about the moldy bread theory, but Banned Books Week is not the time for that–you should really have saved your challenge for Halloween!

On my What’s happening to My Body? Book for Boys post:

katy perry dress writes:

It’s too severe for a young woman. Embrace the curves, open up the neck, show your legs. You’re beautiful.

Thanks, Katy Perry Dress! I always appreciate compliments and body positivity, although you may have missed the “Book for Boys” part of the title.

Burberry outlet wrote what I can only assume is poetry. I’ve arranged it in the form of a poem for you:

Let us do it by ourselves,
will you?
He lacks courage.
He is my age.
You may as well tell me
the truth.
The teacher got a little angry.
How do you want your steak?
How do you want your steak?
A red tie will match that suit.
What do you desire me to do?
I can’t do this

As good as anything Patricia Willa Anderson used to write for the Rice Standard, Burberry Outlet! In fact, I feel like read the right way, a lot of my spam comments could be mistaken for poetry. Maybe I will try it at the next impromptu poetry slam I hold in my kitchen.

On the Notebook Girls post:

Panama writes:

This week we’re taking a look behind the scenes. In other words, what goes on in our writing or personal lives that you might not know. I thought about my obsession with all things ‘Idol’. Although that’s well documented. And now it’s more than Idol because we have X Factor (UK/USA/Australia); The Voice (UK/USA/Australia), Britains/USA/Australia’s Got Talent…… if there’s singing I’m there!!So, then I decided to talk about my other obsession. Masterchef (yes, it’s always going to be TV related). It’s so bad that when it starts, I drop everything I’m doing to watch. So much so that my critique partners use the term Masterchef when I finish the end of a scene too abruptly – I very often get told ‘You’ve Masterchefed it’. They know that the scene has ended not because it was the right place to do so, but because it’s 5pm!And the funniest thing is, I’m the world’s worst cook. I hate cooking. Though I am very good at burning. But for some strange reason I like watching others do it. My children have dubbed me ‘weird’.I do have other little ‘foibles’, but they’re best not mentioned here….. for fear that the ‘weird’ label might stick!

Wow, Panama, thanks for opening up about your TV obsession. Before all I really knew about you was Panama Canal-related, so this really helps to put a more relatable face on the land bridge between two continents.

On my post about the Gandhi biography, Great Soul:

Buy wow gold writes:

Keep functioning ,fantastic job!

Thanks, Buy wow gold, although maybe I should explain that “keep functioning” doesn’t work as well as a greeting in human parlance as it does in spambot society, since “functioning” is usually used to refer to machines such as yourself. Next time try “Keep it up!” or “Keep breathing, fleshy meatbag!”

On the post about my First Grade Journal:

Danilo writes:

First of all I want to say awesome blog! I had a quick question in which I’d like to ask if you don’t mind.
I was interested to know how you center yourself and clear your mind prior
to writing. I’ve had difficulty clearing my thoughts in getting my thoughts out there. I truly do take pleasure in writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are generally lost simply just trying to figure out how to begin. Any suggestions or hints? Many thanks!

Beginnings are the hardest part, Danilo. That’s why I write all my blog posts backwards.

On my post about the book My Mom’s Having a Baby:

abercrombie hoodie stores writes:

Tremendous issues here. I am very glad to look your post. Thank you a lot and I am having a look ahead to touch you. Will you please drop me a mail?

I’m flattered, abercrombie hoodie stores, but no. As a general rule, I don’t respond to strangers over the Internet asking to touch me.

Previously: September 2012

Spam Report: September 2012

This month has been an exciting one for spam, including a few real people getting caught in the filters and more racial slurs than usual (I just delete those). Here are some highlights:

On my post about Jeremy Messersmith and his Supper Club Tour:

Silver account writes:

Now that is something to cry for because that is a disgrace, a national disgrace, and we haven’t done enough, obviously — this administration hasn’t done enough to cure that. Whatever interest they have is not strong enough, and I think possibly now it may be time for somebody else to come along and solve the problem.

You’re so right, Silver account! If only more politicians read my blog, they would see that what people really care about is hipster musicians from Minneapolis! My inability to attend the Supper Club Tour is probably the deciding issue in this election.

On my post making fun of wedding dresses:

Leather beds writes:

Well crafted post, well researched and useful for me in the future.

I hope you mean for when you are a ninja bride!!

Wedding gift ideas asks:

In Firefox – How to open in new tab automatically when I click a bookmark?

Either right click and select “open in new tab” or hold down the ctrl key while you click!

What? Even spambots have information needs sometimes and it’s my sworn librarian duty to help anyone in their knowledge quest, even if they’re obnoxious or not technically real.

As always, last month’s spam post got a lot of attention:

bigcat writes:

Aw, this was a really nice post. In thought I wish to put in writing like this additionally – taking time and precise effort to make an excellent article… however what can I say… I procrastinate alot and not at all seem to get something done.

Thanks, bigcat! I always appreciate fan mail! Unfortunately, not everyone agrees with you:

Greatest writes:

Hi, I just wanted to mention, you��re dead wrong. Your article doesn��t make any sense.

I’m sorry you feel that way, Greatest. Responding to the demographic with which I’m most popular–spambots–makes perfect sense to me, and if that makes me dead wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

At first the comments on Banned Books Week 2012 seemed perfectly normal.

Efron Zableski writes:

After the raccons made my moms life a living nightmare she decided to call Master Trapper and get rid of her irritating problem.

Wow, you spambots seem to have as much trouble with raccoons as you do spelling.

Then things took a worrying turn:

Keenan Casburn:

I went to STD testing and they did a great job!

Le haire:

Call STD Testing for all your peace of mind.

Sarina Carmona:

STD Testing is something I recommend to all of my friends. I feel it is very important to stay safe and be aware!

I mean… I also agree that it’s important to be safe and aware, spambots, but… what are you trying to tell me?

But this was nothing compared to the insult that was to come. Usually I don’t let the trolls or haters bother me, even when they claim that my blog has given them cancer or that I’m working with a porn-pushing librarian cabal, but this one really hit me where I live:

nemme Ian writes:

naturally like your web-site but you need to take a look at the spelling on several of your posts. Several of them are rife with spelling problems and I in finding it very troublesome to tell the reality however I¡¦ll surely come again again.

WHY, nemme Ian? WHY must you say these hurtful things to me????

Another worrying, though less personally insulting, development on this same post, was my discovery that spambots have gained at least semi-sentience:

zilp writes:

I have read far more of those than I expected.You souhld do that first series because I want to know if I souhld read it. You souhld do Perks of Being a Wallflower because I want to see what pictures you would draw for it. You souhld do Catcher in the Rye ONLY if you hated it as much as me and will give it a horrible review, otherwise do something else. Maybe an adult book because you haven’t done any of those? Maybe Tweak because I think it is FAR FAR more inappropriate, and poorly written, and ban worthy (if I believed in banning books) than most of the things on the list.

I stared at this for awhile, trying to decide if it was a real person with terrible spelling and reading comprehension skills, or a surprisingly sophisticated spambot. Maybe the missing link between the two? Eventually the spammy-looking link attached to the name swayed me into putting it in the spam report, but that preliminary decision could be reversed at any time with new evidence. Comment again, zlip, so I can solve this mystery! Please! For science!

Also, I’ve already reviewed the Perks of Being a Wallflower and I don’t know what pictures you’re talking about.

More spambots seemed unusually on target for the Banned Books Week: Notebook Girls post, although without zilp’s human-passing skillz:

Silver price writes:

The world was just so unlike anything. There’s this mix of science fiction but yet most of the world feelings like you are feeling like it’s something straight out of Amish country. The hierarchy of the Luddites and the Reduced/Posts was so fascinating. The descriptions. ALL OF IT. I could picture the estate and the surrounding scenes of nature. It was written so phenomenally — one of those books where the world starts swirling off the pages and begins to be a motion picture in my mind. There were some things I wished were explained a little better about the world and I thought at the end I wasn’t so sure how Eliot completely reconciled what she learned about Kai so quickly but I got over that just fine.

Nice try, Silver price, but you’ve spammed my blog way too many times before to convince me that you are real. Also, you seem to be rambling about a completely different book, but props for realizing my post was a book review. Better luck next time.

Finally, besides some words from the author(!!), my Banned Books Week: My mom is having a baby post gained some good spam reviews:

good articles writes:

You are my inhalation , I possess few web logs and occasionally run out from to post .

I’m not really sure what “you are my inhalation” means, but my gut tells me it’s a come on. Thanks, good articles, I’m flattered, but I’m not ready to break society’s taboo on spambot-human relationships yet. Plus, I’m married.

And also:

first years wave stroller crimson:

naturally like your web site however you need to check the spelling on several of your posts. Many of them are rife with spelling problems and I to find it very bothersome to tell the reality however I will certainly come back again.

Sigh. See you next month.

Previously: August 2012 Report

Spam Report: August 2012

Most of the things caught in my spam folder were really repetitive this month, and not even worth reporting on. However, I managed to curate a few gems for you:

On this post about finding my Second Grade Journal:

assurance chien writes:

I agree with you but It would be nice if you cite your sources next time. I think it’s really important. TY.

Thanks for keeping me honest, assurance chien! I thought I could get away with just a picture of the cover of my second grade journal, but I can see you’re a stickler for the truth, so here’s the APA citation for your records: Ladd, P. R. (1995). Second Grade Journal. Unpublished manuscript. Hope that clears things up.

mutuelle animaux pas cher writes:

Thank you for this! It is very detailed but I admit that sometimes it is too technical for me … make a simplified version next time See you read

I’m guessing from your name that maybe English isn’t your first language, which would explain why deciphering my phonetic scrawl is so difficult for you! Don’t worry, my current journals are far more grammatically accurate, although my handwriting has only gotten worse.

gold price writes:

My worst teachers was my 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Hart who saw a classroom bullly literally pick me up and throw me completely over a classroom desk and I got hurt and was crying and she acted like nothing happened! He didnt get in trouble and I was left to cry at my desk and wasn’t checked on.

Woah, intense story, gold price! How could the teacher do nothing when one of her students was being thrown over a desk?? Clearly you graduated from the Elementary School of Hard Knocks.

On my Cosmo’s Bad Advice: Blueberry Yogurt Hair post:
Replica rolex writes:

Thank you for the sensible critique. Me and my neighbor were just preparing to do some research about this. We got a grab a book from our local library but I think I learned more clear from this post. I am very glad to see such great info being shared freely out there.

Thanks, Replica rolex! I’m glad you and your neighbor are both interested in trying to dye your hair red with ingredients from your kitchen. More people should experience the weird feeling of cold yogurt oozing over your head. I’m not surprised your library didn’t have the best information on this topic–they tend to only go for materials that are reputable or factually accurate in some way, and, as I said in the post, I’m just not sure blueberry yogurt is an effective way to do this. Although the authenticity of my results has been called into question by my new friend Shaniqua, who impugns the organicness of my yogurt.

Click here writes:

Hi my family member! I wish to say that this article is amazing, great written and include almost all vital infos. I¡¦d like to look more posts like this .

Thanks, Click here! You’ll have to remind me how we’re related. I didn’t know I had spambots on my family tree!

On the July Spam Report:

funny dog pictures threatens:

Thats a very nice Comment you have there. It would be a shame if something were to happen to it..

I didn’t mean to run afoul of the spambot mafia! Don’t worry, funny dog pictures, patricialadd.com will give you anything you want! Provided what you want is more reviews of Sam Neill movies.

Previously: July 2012 Report
Next: September

Spam Report: July 2012

This month has been a pretty great one for Spam!! For the first time in awhile, I got some spam comments from an actual human caught in the filters! Clearly James was just upset that I waste more time responding to spam than I do my actual comments:

On the May spam post TheJamesFox writes:

I can’t get over how hilariously vague the spam form-letter replies are. Who could POSSIBLY think this is going to result in revenue? Like EVER

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN I AM NONSPECIFIC RESPONSE GENERATOR 6000 I FOUND YOUR INTERNET BASED OPINION EDIFICE EXTREMELY ENLIGHTENING FOR I ALSO HAVE OPINIONS ON SUBJECT NOW THAT IT HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED THAT WE SHARE A COMMON INTEREST WOULD YOU LIKE TO PURCHASE SOME VIAGRA

And, because quitters never produce Internet profit:

AM CONSUMED BY AN UNDYING PASSION FOR SECOND THING SO AS YOU CAN SEE WE ARE, AS WE HUMANS LIKE TO SAY BY MODULATING OUR VIBRATING SOUND ORGANS, LIKE TWO EDIBLE PLANT SEEDS IN A BIOLOGICAL VEGETABLE ENCLOSURE MODULE

SINCE WE SO SIMILAR IT IS MAY I SUGGEST THAT YOU WILL ALSO ENJOY FREEONLINEPOKER.COM, FROM WHICH I DERIVE NEUROLOGICAL STIMULUS IN THE PLEASURE RECEPTORS OF MY ORGANIC BRAIN PARTS, AS ANY OTHER NORMAL HUMAN WOULD

It’s funny to me that James’ fake spam posts are actually less imaginative than some of the actual spam I receive. For instance, on that same post, Jane wrote:

what a wonderful world we are living, i still wonder this spell caster how he did it!!!
My mouth is full of testimony, Am Christabel Philips my husband left the home for two years to south Africa for a tourist,he meant a prostitute and he was bewitch be the girl my husband refuse to come back home again, i cry day and night looking for who to help me, i read a news paper about a powerful spell caster called [let me save you from yourself by deleting the contact info that was here–pladd] and i contacted the spell caster to help me get my lover back to me and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods we fight for me.. he told me by mid-night when all the spirit is at rest he will cast a spell to reunite my lover back to me. and he did in less than 3 days my husband came back to me and started crying that i should for forgive him, i,m so happy for what this spell caster did for me and my husband. [okay, so I’m actually censoring the email address so you can’t use Internet magic against me, so what?–pladd] is the best spell caster in the whole wild world.

Wow, Jane! What a dramatic story! I had no idea emailing your credit card info to a sketchy gmail account could bring such quick results! But is it really so easy to forgive your husband after he left you for a tourist/prostitute in South Africa? Are you sure he wasn’t just “bewitched” by her in the same way that Luscious Malfoy was “totally under the Imperius Curse, you guys”? As in, not really at all? Sometimes guys make excuses because they want to cheat on you or kill all muggles, and we can’t let them get away with it by slut shaming some poor working girl or an evil wizard when we all know who’s at fault. Don’t let him shift the blame!

Also, yeah, whenever I read Harry Potter I call Malfoy’s dad “Luscious”. Jason Isaacs totally looks like he should be in a shampoo commercial, it works.

soehnle küchenwaage retro writes about this Sam Neill post:

Hi, Neat post. There’s a problem with your website in internet explorer, may test this? IE nonetheless is the marketplace chief and a huge portion of other folks will omit your magnificent writing because of this problem.

I am strangely okay with losing “a huge portion of other folks” if they all use Internet Explorer. I guess if there actually is a problem with my site in IE I would actually never know because neither Steven nor I (nor any of my real readers? I don’t know, just a hunch based on the fact that I respect them) ever use it, but I have a feeling soehnle kuchenwaage retro is just being cheeky.

Cheap email marketing commented on the same post with slightly better news:

Greetings from Australia. You helped me with my university assignment. Thank so much.

It actually doesn’t surprise me that a university in Australia would have you do assignments about Sam Neill. I assume it’s just that and how to fight cane toads, right?

My bronycon coverage garnered an enthusiastic (if confused) response from spam bots! Khaerani writes about Bronycon costumes:

Wow! I just came across your page on faebocok, I am a state above (KY!) and your work is . amazing to say the least! How, may I ask, do you achieve such perfection and sharpness in the eyes and face? Is it the lens? Aperature? Editing??? I have strived for those kind of eyes, and any tips would be GREATLY appreciated~!

Khaerani is not only confused about geography (Kentucky is not above North Carolina), but also reality. The only pictures with eyes in the post it commented on are drawings of cartoon ponies. That perfection and sharpness is from animation, Khaerani. My only tip is to check a How To Draw Anime and Manga book out from the library.

Some other spambots had me confused with someone else (namely a photographer). Rama writes:

LORA!!!!!! I seriously cried when I saw these imegas! You know what that means?!?!?!? That means that you captured all the emotion from the day. It means that you looked for moments that mattered when no one else was. It means that YOU ROCKED that wedding!!!! I am so flippin’ proud of you!!!!! Love ya girl!

I feel like these messages are maybe coming from an alternate Internet dimension where www.patricialadd.com is owned by a photographer named Lora. Is that this other dimension’s version of me? There’s no way to be sure. Somewhere I hope Lora is checking her comments, really confused about why no one cares about her wedding pictures and why everyone’s complaining about how much she talks about Sam Neill and her sewing machine.

Alternate Dimension Commenter Parikshit writes:

Lora, Your email made me cry this morning. It was so iniredcbly inspiring and heartfelt. Thank you for writing me, you have no idea how much you blessed me. I clicked on your blog, and my jaw dropped. Your work is BEAUTIFUL. My heart is full just thinking about the fact that you are giving your creative gift to the world, and in turn it is giving people life. The world is so much fuller and richer with you sharing your creative eye. I can’t imagine how much your clients love to see themselves through your eye. We would love to have you featured on the blog. Either me or Genie will send you an email on what we need, but THANK YOU for sharing your beautiful story. It made my day.Much love and respect, Me Ra

Another opportunity Alternate Dimension Photographer Me will miss out on because an Internet Space Time rift has funneled the comments here! I assume she is reading Sam Neill’s praise for my reviews as we speak.

Rachel writes:

And – I think the nekkid lady elaevted it – yes, it is kind of a “yikes” design, but at least they put a nekkid lady with an exploding flower head on it. I can respect that.

Again, I have no idea what alternate dimensional post Rachel is looking at, but it sounds way more exciting than anything I’ve put up in the past month. I’ll work on getting a naked nekkid lady with an exploding flower head for August.

Ilesanmi was kind of confused about freezer paper stenciling and wrote:

I haven’t done freezer cooknig in awhile, but I need to get back to it. One of my favorite things is having ground beef (or venison, etc.) already browned and frozen so that it’s easy to add to a casserole, soup or other dish.I hadn’t thought of freezing chocolate butterhorns, but they would be great to have on hand as a quick snack (or even breakfast!)

See, James? Not all spam is meaningless shouting into the void with some attached links! Sometimes they give cooking advice!

Santosh is craftier than any spambot James could imagine:

Those comments were from me, Josh those weren’t spam. I rellay thought you might be interested in well, I can’t say it or your word censoring will catch it and automatically delete it.I’m glad you found something that works for you, Josh. Speaking of working for you how would you like to make more money in just five easy steps?

A spambot that insists it’s not spam?? And also that my name is Josh? What brilliant strategy will they think of next?

Turns out, just more stories about skunks.

Silver account writes:

While out on a “romantic walk” with my husband last night, a skunk decided to run in our path towards the water. My husband, being the inquisitive individual that he is, JUST had to take a better look at the skunk. BAD IDEA.

Your husband sounds a little clueless, Silver account, but then, he is married to a spambot, so what do you expect?

Previously: June Spam Report

Spam Report: June 2012

It’s the end of another month, and you know what that means! Time to clean out my spam folder!!

As always, last month’s spam post garnered lots of comments–spambots are clearly starved for a little attention in this harsh Internet world where cruel fate has dictated that only actual people are worthy of response.

Tab 5 kg writes:

Web logs such as this one you can read all night as well as your information are correct and well crafted, we do hope you could keep updating the blog for all of us individuals who likes to follow the planet through the internet, let us all know if we might help or even donate some thing to keep this website heading!

Thanks for your generosity, Tab 5 Kg! The only thing you can donate is your kind comment! If I ever want to make money off the Internet, I feel I now have sufficient knowledge of how spam works to do it on my own.

Protein Purification writes:

What did you think of the avengers?

I loved it, Protein Purification! I went in with extremely low expectations because, hey, another super hero movie, but then it was funny and clever and exciting! Thanks for asking!

Regim Hotelier Cluj writes:

This is really interesting, You are a very skilled blogger. I have joined your feed and look forward to seeking more of your wonderful post. Also, I’ve shared your web site in my social networks!

Is there a social network where spambots congregate? Is that how you all heard about me? My friend Caitlin is feeling left out, can you post her blog on SpamBook too?

G4PH5OUD said of Sam Neill Update: Sub Captain:

I want a lifesize one!

I too would like a cardboard cut out of Sam Neill, G4PH5OUD. If my experiences with my mom’s life-size cutout of Aragorn are accurate, he would scare me every time I came downstairs in the dark and wear a series of funny hats on special occasions. On normal days, he’d watch me cook and I’d tease him about Merlin II, it would be great. I’m sure the moment such a product comes on the market, I will be the first (and only?) person contacted! As long as its not the Event Horizon version, anyway.

Finding wife left a lengthy comment on Sam Neill Update: Dad Edition:

I had a wild skunk who lived in my house for about five years. He/she would come in the back porch cat door after a night of fooding. It would go behind the washing machine thread a way through an unfinished wall and into the water heater closet that opened into the bathroom. I would open the door each morning and say good morning, it would wake up and look at me. It would sleep most of the day there with no trouble.

Good story, Finding Wife! Your relationship with your skunk friend sounds heart warming and symbiotic. The skunk got a place to sleep “after a night of fooding”, and you got an adorable, if volatile companion, probably the first contact from the outside world you’d received in some years.

Sam Neill: Losing My Mind Edition also grabbed some readers’ interest (I’m telling you, spambots love their Sam Neill movies):

Tutus writes:

Hello there! This is my first visit to your blog! We are a group of volunteers and starting a new initiative in a community in the same niche. Your blog provided us valuable information to work on. You have done a extraordinary job!

Thanks, Tutus! I agree that watching and sarcastically commenting on all Sam Neill movies would be much easier with a group of volunteers and an entire community behind me! Sometimes I get so tired of linking to Merlin II or showing this picture of Choppy McAxeFace:

J/k it never gets old

Click here writes:

Can I just say what a aid to search out somebody who really is aware of what theyre talking about on the internet. You definitely know easy methods to bring an issue to mild and make it important. Extra individuals must learn this and understand this side of the story. I cant consider youre not more fashionable since you definitely have the gift.

Click Here, I know you mean well, but this is kind of a backhanded compliment. What do you mean, “I cant consider youre not more fashionable”? I am HELLA fashionable, Click Here, have you seen my new hat?

Well, some people have. private museum tours in st.petersburg had this to say about it:

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Don’t worry, private museum tours in st.petersburg. The gloriousness of my new hat makes me incomprehensible sometimes too.

Previously: Spam Report, May 2012

VIQVI: Real People Edition

I know, usually the vast majority of Vitally Important Questions of Vital Importance that I receive are from my many adoring spambot fans, but lately I’ve gotten a few questions from real people!! Exciting!!

Caitlin M. writes about my last spam post:

How come you get so much spam? I don’t have any. Should I be jealous?

I think one of the main reasons for your lack of spam is that your blog has exciting Captcha technology, while commenting on mine just requires that you type in a (not even necessarily legit) email address. Captcha is designed to keep out just such spam traffic as I am obviously enjoying! Blogger probably sees this as a good design feature–you don’t have to spend time managing your spam folder!–but you are clearly missing out on some vague and misspelled compliments and non sequiturs about handbags.

Also, spambots are apparently way more interested in sarcastic reviews of Sam Neill movies than beautiful pictures of gardens and insightful word-snapshots of life. You just have to provide the content your target audience desires, and if you want to shift your target demographic from thoughtful friends and family to advertising robots, then you’re going to have to buckle down and watch Merlin II like I did. It won’t be easy, but it’s the only way.

Brian R. writes about Ten Years of Journals:

Wonder what a chart of worries over time would look like.

Wish granted:

Look at the sharp decrease in worrying about school right after high school! lol IB and your stress-stomachaches

Rachel K. writes:

I can haz blog post about the crazy new pony hair I saw on facebook?

She’s talking about this:

The blue and purple are maybe too dark to see in this shot

And I WISH I could write a blog post just about this, but ever since he got back from Aveda, Steven has just been working! Like he thinks his job is more important than rainbow hair! What a loser! Anyway, now it’s getting dark, but he promises there will be an amazing rainbow photoshoot tomorrow!

Not to mention pictures of the amazing costumes I am making for this weekend!! You haven’t even seen my new hat yet! I’m not going to say it’s more exciting than rainbow hair, but it’s probably at least 80% as exciting.

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