Song of the Lioness 2: In the Hand of the Goddess

April 10th, 2011 by pladd


Basically the same day I completed my blog post about the first Alanna book, I rushed to the library to get the other three in the series. I can’t hide it anymore: Alanna is still my homegirl. As the Urban Dictionary definition emphasizes, SHE GOT MY BACK. Sorry for all that stuff I said about you in my first review, Alanna; you know I’m just jealous because I don’t have a horse named Moonlight and a magic sword named Lightning.

Once again, for comparison purposes, I’ve decided to explain this book both as 23-year-old Patricia and 11-year-old Patricia.

In The Hand of the Goddess by Tamora Pierce

Song of the Lioness Book 2

Then

The Sitch
This book is even more amazing than the first one because Alanna is now Prince Jonathan’s squire!!!!! Also, she now has a magical talking cat named Faithful and is totally, totally madly in love with Prince Jonathan. They don’t get married at the end, but I am sure it is only a matter of TIME. Duke Roger is still being a complete jerk about everything.

Our Heroine
Alanna is even more amazing in this book!!! Both Prince Jonathan and George are madly in love with her, but obvs only Prince Jonathan can win her heart!! Plus, she goes to war and kicks some Tusaine butt, and becomes a knight at the end! Yay!!!

Now

The Sitch
Alanna is now a squire to Prince Jonathan, one of the few who know her secret: that she’s actually a girl. In this book Alanna stops a war, earns her shield, and finally confronts Duke Roger about his magical plotting. Plus, she learns more about MATTERS OF THE HEART.

Our Heroine
Alanna is less annoying to me in this book, but I’m not sure why. I think the people around her begin to develop more distinct personalities, and stop simply being Alanna Cheerleaders. For some reason, Middle School Patricia was convinced that Alanna and Prince Jonathan were OTL1, despite the book’s narration being pretty clear that they are just friends with benefits. George, the King of Thieves, her other love interest, was of no interest to Middle School Patricia, who always envisioned him as a middle aged man, making his interactions with her extremely creepy. This time around, I can see how George and Alanna are a better fit personality wise, but am annoyed that Tamora Pierce never shows us how George’s feelings develop. Unlike Prince Jonathan, George is pretty much shown as being madly in love with her from the very beginning of this book, which is probably why Middle School Patricia ignored him as potential OTL material. That, and the Old Guy Grossness.

Play by Play Notes

Chapter one: The Lady in the Forrest
Alanna meets the Great Mother Goddess one night in the forest. She warns her to learn to love, gives her a magical glowing ember necklace, and a magical talking cat BFF. She names it Faithful, not Killer, proving yet again that she is really not committed to this whole Pretending to Be a Boy thing.

Chapter Two: Duke Roger of Conté
Alanna fights Sir Dain, a knight in Tortall with the Tusaine ambassador, because he is insulting Tortall’s honor. She wins even though he fights dirty and Duke Roger is impressed.

Chapter Three: The Prince’s Squire
George tells Alanna fifteen is old enough to get married, and then he kisses her and she is all, “Whatever, I don’t need ANY MAN, I am going to be a knight, fool.” A magical boar tries to kill her in the forest (Duke Roger!?!?) and everyone at court, including Jonathan, is madly in love with some annoying girl named Delia. Alex, Alanna’s friend and Duke Roger’s squire, decides to fight a friendly duel with Alanna that quickly turns DEADLY. Luckily, Sir Myles interrupts them after Alex breaks her collarbone.

Chapter Four: A Cry of War
Tusaine and Tortall are at war! Duke Gareth has a freak accident (Duke Roger?!?!?) so our pal, Duke Roger leads the knights and soldiers from the palace. George once again tells Alanna they should get married, and she once again says that she needs NO MAN.

Chapter Five: By the River Drell
Alanna spends lots of time with the foot soldiers even though she is a noble. There is a nice one named Thor, and a mean one named Jem. Then one night Jem and Thor disappear from their guard posts and there is a major battle!! Luckily Alanna warns everyone in time. Later she finds Thor dying in the dark after Jem attacked him and uses her magic to ease his death even though it knocks her out because she is wounded.

Chapter Six: Captured!
Alanna and Jonathan get all makey-outy because he is so happy she’s okay. Later Duke Roger finds her on watch and is all, “We could be great friends, you and I!” (evil eyebrow waggle) and Alanna responds, “I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU IN EVIL!!!” Then a magical fog comes up and she’s captured. Jonathan plans a rescue mission even though crossing the river is totally against the King’s orders. Jem is really Jemis, the King of Tusaine’s brother! The rescue mission captures him and his other brother, forcing the King of Tusaine to agree to a peace treaty for their return.

Chapter Seven: Winter Lessons
Alanna wants lessons on how to be a lady from George’s mom, Mistress Cooper. Wolves in the forest start eating children, so everyone goes out to hunt them. A giant one attacks Alanna, and, since she is holding the Goddess’ Mystical Ember Necklace when she kills it, she sees that it is surrounded by magic–the same color as Duke Roger’s!!!! On her birthday, she is super annoyed by Jonathan’s flirting with ladies, so she puts on her lady disguise dress and wig and goes into the garden, where she meets Jonathan. He sees the pregnancy charm Mistress Cooper gave her and is all, “Why don’t we try it out to see if it works?” Which is maybe the lamest pick up line ever. “Let’s try out that contraception, baby. There’s a 50% chance of unwanted pregnancy, but a 100% chance of love!” At first Alanna is all, “Ew, no” but later she relents into, “Whatever, I guess.”

Chapter Eight: Fears
Alanna and Jonathan continue to be friends with benefits. Someone tries to drown Alanna while ice skating (Roger?!?!?!). George is sad that Alanna is in love with Jonathan, but Alanna insists that she is just using him for sex (in euphemism; but I still don’t know how Middle School Patricia missed it). Alanna and George go visit Thom in the City of the Gods, where everyone hates him because he is the youngest master sorcerer ever, and kind of a dick. He promises to come to the capital after she’s made a knight to watch the Roger situation after Alanna leaves on her knight adventures. On the way home, Alanna and George are attacked (Roger?!?!?).

Chapter Nine: The Ordeal
Here is how to become a knight in Tortall:
1) Be a page: go to classes, learn weapons, serve dinner to people
2) Be a squire: serve a knight, learn weapons
3) Pass the Ordeal: take a purifying bath while two knights read you the code of chivalry, keep a silent vigil, go into the magic Chamber of the Ordeal and stay in there still without making a sound until it’s over
Alanna tells Gary, Duke Gareth’s son, her secret so that he and Prince Jonathan can chivalry her up after her bath. He thinks it’s hilarious. The Ordeal Chamber basically throws all her worst fears at her, but she survives and becomes a knight! Yay! Thom gives her a magical shield that looks like the normal Trebond arms, but changes magically into a Lioness Rampant for when she reveals her real identity.

Chapter Ten: To Duel the Sorcerer
Alanna decides it is finally, FINALLY time to do something about Duke Roger and his constant attempts to kill her. She ransacks his rooms and finds voodoo dolls of everyone. She accuses him in front of the entire court and he challenges her to trial by combat. During the fight, he uses magical illusions to confuse her, but she uses her Magic Goddess Necklace to see through that shit. Then his sword rips open her shirt and special boob-crushing corset and OMG THE SECRET IS OUT. Everyone is all “WTF???” but the shock helps her kill Duke Roger, dead once and for all (or IS HE?)

Epilogue
Sir Alanna and Coram are off on adventures! All her friends try to get her to stay, but she is sick of this cold weather crap. Plus, she just killed the King’s nephew and all, so it’s probably time to get the hell out of dodge.

Also see: Song of the Lioness Book 1, Alanna: The First Adventure

Next Up: Woman Who Rides Like a Man!

  • 1One True Love↑

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Song of the Lioness 1: Alanna: The First Adventure

April 8th, 2011 by pladd


True confession: when I was in 6th grade the only books I would read were by Tamora Pierce. Even if you physically forced me to read something else (yeah, I mean you, Mrs. Sniffen, 6th grade English, The Hatchet) I would probably just throw it dramatically to the ground as soon as you turned your back and pick up Lioness Rampant again. The problem with being completely obsessed with a single writer, though, is that she can’t possibly write at a speed to keep you constantly engaged, especially when confronted with things like puberty and Trying To Look Smart. So Tamora Pierce pretty much fell out of my life around 8th or 9th grade, when I was way more interested in reading all of Charles Dickens and pretending to be Too Cool for all the boys I knew1.

Then at the library I found a new book of short stories by Tamora Pierce. Some kind of latent 6th grade instinct made my hand reach out and snatch it, before I realized that 1) I am not obsessed with Tamora Pierce anymore and 2) I haven’t read any Tamora Pierce since half-way through the Kel series, so I’m pretty behind. Basically the only thing to do at that point was go back and start at the very beginning. Luckily, they read a lot faster now that I am 12 years older.

There are a lot of more badass covers on later editions now, but this is the one I had in middle school

For comparison purposes, I’ve decided to explain this book both as 23-year-old Patricia and 11-year-old Patricia.

Alannna: The First Adventure by Tamora Pierce

Then

The Sitch
Alanna has to pretend to be a boy because everyone is way mean and won’t let her be a knight as a girl even though she is totally the best!!!! Also, she has a horse named Moonlight and a sword named Lightning! She also has magic and uses it to save Prince Jonathan twice!!

Our Heroine
Alanna is the best!!!! She can fight better than ANY boy even though she is smaller and is super brave and amazing. Also, she has red hair and purple eyes, which is the best possible combination! If only I could dye my hair and buy color contacts to look just like her!

Now

The Sitch
Alanna, a fiesty ten-year-old, switches places with her twin brother and starts pretending to be a boy so she can go to the palace and start training to be a knight. This book covers her three years as a page.

Our Heroine
Alanna is kind of a Mary Sue. Pretty much everyone loves her, and if they don’t, that’s a sign that they’re the bad guy. I didn’t really notice when I first read this book that most of the other characters only exist to reassure Alanna that she really IS that amazing whenever she thinks she’s not. Still, girl’s got game, and more Girl Power than a Spice Girls concert. Also, no one guesses that she’s a girl even though she names her horse “Moonlight”. Wake up, everyone in Tortall.

Play by Play Notes

Chapter one: Twins
Alanna doesn’t want to be a lady and Thom, her twin, doesn’t want to be a knight. So they switch places! Apparently Lady School is the same as Beginner Sorcerer School so that works out. Plus, their father is a fantasy-medieval dead beat dad, so he doesn’t even notice. Before she leaves, the village wisewoman warns Alanna to use her magic to heal to make up for the killing she will do. Alanna is like “Whatever”. Alanna and her manservant Coram arrive in the capital and Alanna is full of fierce determination!

Chapter Two: The New Page
Alanna immediately gets into a fight with an older page named Ralon. Luckily, Prince Jonathan and his posse put a stop to it and immediately are all about Alanna (or “Alan”). Classes are super hard, but she won’t give up! On a free morning in the city, she meets George, King of Thieves, who says that he senses with his Gift (like magical powers) that he should be her friend. She is flattered instead of creeped out.

Chapter Three: Ralon
Ralon beats up Alanna whenever he can. Prince Jonathan and his posse try to stop it, but Alanna is stubborn and Can Fight Her Own Battles! She asks George to teach her dirty street fighting and practices all the time! Then she finally beats him up in front of everyone, he vows revenge but leaves court, and Alanna and Jonathan become BFF because she is so brave and amazing.

Chapter Four: Death in the Palace
The Sweating Fever sweeps through the city killing people. The disease seems to be magical, because it drains the healers who try to help. Francis, who is apparently Alanna’s friend despite having only one line so far, ends up dying and Alanna is wracked by guilt. Obviously because she is not willing to use her Gift it is all her fault! Then Jonathan gets sick but all the palace healers are too weak to help!! Alanna uses her magic to snatch him out of the jaws of death! Sir Myles, her teacher BFF who was watching, starts to suspect she is a girl.

Chapter Five: The Second Year
Alanna has to bind her growing breasts and it’s a bummer. Duke Roger, Jonathan’s cousin and an uber-sorcerer, comes to court to start teaching them to use their Gift. Alanna instantly hates him like woah, obviously because he is the bad guy. Alanna finally gets to start fighting with swords but is bad at it.

Chapter Six: Womanhood
Alanna does not know what periods are and freaks out that she is dying. She runs into the city and demands that George take her to a woman healer. George is all, “WTF?” and Alanna is all “I AM GIRL!” and George is all “…. right” and takes her to his healer mom, who pretty much laughs at Alanna and gives her the facts of life talk. Alanna and Sir Myles visit his estate where he shows her the ruins of the Old Ones. She finds a secret passage and a magic sword! Thom sends her a letter saying Duke Roger is totes evil and def caused the Sweating Sickness. Alanna is finally great at swords because of all her practice.

Chapter Seven: The Black City
The Squires take a field trip to the dessert! Alanna goes too because she is BFF with Prince Jonathan (and everyone). Duke Roger tells all of them, “No one should go near the super evil, super magic Black City! Except if you happen to be in front of me in line for the throne and might happen upon a convenient accident, I mean!” Alanna thinks this is mad suspicious but no one else does. Jonathan, of course, sneaks off to the haunted Black City and Alanna follows. There they fight the Nameless Ones for their souls with magic and swords. They win, but Alanna’s clothes magically fall off revealing she is a girl. Jonathan is like “Oh, whatever” and because she fought so well he chooses her to be his squire when he is promoted to knight.

Next in the Song of the Lioness Quartet: In the Hand of the Goddess

  • 1At the time, I thought this was an act. But after reflection and seeing them again since, I have proven to be dead right. Good job, 15-year-old me.↑

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Hot Gimmick

April 5th, 2011 by pladd

As I mentioned in my March Book List, I read volumes 2-12 of the manga Hot Gimmick by Miki Aihara this month because, like a Rene Cardona Jr. film, I could not look away. But not because of polygamist shark attacks or a psycho killer with 1000 cats, more because I could not see any possible way for it to end non-sketchily. And I was right.

Constant Attemtped Rape: maybe not the best premise for a romantic comedy

I first picked up volume 1 last year because it’s on Wake County’s recommended list of shojo manga, or manga for teen girls. The description given makes it sound like a typical teen romantic comedy. Ryoki finds out an embarrassing secret about Hatsumi’s sister, and blackmails her into pretending to be his girlfriend. Volume 1 pretty much bore this out, with the more worrying phrasing of “slave” instead of “girlfriend”. But Hatsumi’s childhood friend Azusa, who’s grown into a hot male model, moves back into the apartment complex and gets all flirty. I assume he’s going to teach her to be a stronger person and stand up to Ryoki, or Ryoki will realize he is being a jerk and fall in love with her for real real. Probably both.

Then last month I picked up volume 2 and realized this is pretty much not a romantic comedy at all. If this same story were told in an American teen movie, it would be all dark and dramatic. Hatsumi would probably end up murdering every other character in the most gory way possible at the end. Instead, she ends up engaged! Yay?

Hatsumi in foreground; "love" interests (from L to R) Shinogu, Ryoki, Azusa in back

Here is the real deal: Ryoki is attempting to use Hatsumi as “practice” and pretty much sexually assaults her every time they meet. Azusa seems like he’s going to be the good guy, but then reveals that he is only pretending for some convoluted revenge on her family and attempts to rape her in front of his friends. Then she discovers that Shinogu, her older brother, is actually adopted and actually HAS BEEN IN LOVE WITH HER SINCE CHILDHOOD. At this point I am pretty disturbed that the love interest I am the least grossed out by is her brother because, hey, at least he has never tried to force himself on her and realizes that his feelings are ridic.

Azusa continues with his vague revenge schemes and Ryoki finds that he is in love with Hatsumi and gets her to be his girlfriend. Unfortunately this just means more sexual assault, with a side of Hatsumi feeling guilty because she doesn’t enjoy it “like a girlfriend should”. She also continues to worry about and be nice to Azusa despite his past actions. Some highlights of the remaining volumes:

-Hatsumi isn’t home when Ryoki calls while he’s on vacation. When he gets back, he slaps her in the face. She apologizes and admits that it’s all her fault.

-Hatsumi’s mom tells her she wouldn’t be upset if Hatsumi chose Shinogu, because that way Shinogu could stay part of their family even though he is not their “real” son.

-Ryoki repeatedly demands that Hatsumi chose between him or her family, saying that she can’t care about both.

-In a transparent attempt to make Ryoki jealous Hatsumi demands that Shinogu “make me your woman”. Since Shinogu is slightly less creepy than every other character, he says no.

In the end, I was hoping that Hatsumi would choose no one and move away to start a new life in a Swiss boarding school or something. Alas, instead she decides that she can’t live without Ryoki. Or rather, he decides for her as usual:

So romantic, you guys!

In the final scenes of the manga, Shinogu decides to become a monk and Azusa vaguely promises to keep trying for revenge through torturing Hatsumi. The bedroom door closes on the newly engaged Hatsumi and Ryoki while she cries about not being ready and he tells her to shut up.

I think I enjoyed reading this manga, in the same weird way I enjoyed watching Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Every time I thought it couldn’t get any more terrible, it did. There was something shockingly interesting about its refusal to follow what I consider typical teen romantic comedy tropes. Like, for instance, making any of the love interest boys likable or, you know, NOT CRIMINALS. On the other hand, I wonder what it would be like to read this series as a teen girl. I’d like to think that it would be impossible to mistake any of the relationships portrayed for real love. They are even more obviously-destructive than Edward-the-Stalkerpire.

I’m trying to see the appeal of this manga. There’s obviously the “who will she choose?” love rectangle to keep readers guessing and rooting for their favorite sociopaths. And I think the atmosphere of sexual coercion is all too realistic to some girls’ experiences. I get the feeling from the ending that I’m not necessarily supposed to be happy for Hatsumi more that this is just something that happens to some people. The author does’t hit you over the head with a moral like in a lot of teen problem novels, though, so it’s more open to interpretation.

Anyway, I’m glad I made it to the end and can now relax with some nice, non-morally troubling manga about a librarian army. I think we can all agree that is 100% a good idea.

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March Book List

April 1st, 2011 by pladd

It looks like I read way more this month than usual, but a lot of these books are for children or graphic novels, so they didn’t take as long. Click to see February and January booklists.

With Steven


Mothstorm by Philip Reeve
The sequel to Larklight and Starcross, Arthur and his steampunk space pirate friends must save Queen Victoria and the entire British space-empire from lizard aliens riding giant moths.


I Shall Wear Midnight by Terry Pratchett
Tiffany Aching is probably my favorite Terry Pratchett story arc. She’s spunky yet practical, and always surrounded by belligerent, vaguely Scottish pictsies.


Castle in the Air by Diana Wynne Jones
The sequel to Howl’s Moving Castle, whose ending basically goes “Surprise! Everyone’s been turned into something else!” Diana Wynne Jones died last weekend, which bummed me out. I love her Chrestomanci books. Maybe it’s something about a really dapper enchanter who always shows up in elegant bathrobes.

For Class


The Fairy Godmother by Mercedes Lackey
Being a fairy godmother is tough, but you’ve still got time for romance! This was my book for fantasy week, because Steven already owned it and I didn’t want to talk to anyone about David Eddings for fear I would have a terrible-female-character-archetype-induced aneurysm.


The Birthing House by Christopher Ransom
My book for horror week. A couple moves into a creepy house! But the ghost mostly just causes a bunch of surprise pregnancies.

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Happy Popcorn Easter!

March 28th, 2011 by pladd

My mom sends the BEST packages. Granted, they don’t come as frequently as they used to, since I guess she assumes that now that I’m Making It On My Own I can buy my own giant Mr. Potato Head or demonic singing hamster robot. They are even more exciting now because of their rarity! And the fact that Rachel is marginally less likely to throw them from a third story window through annoyance (or bloodlust?). This weekend I got a popcorn egg decorating kit! I assume for the lesser known holiday of Popcorn Easter, when a giant, sentient corn ear travels to houses at night and leaves popcorn eggs for all the children.

In case you are behind the times, a popcorn egg is just like a popcorn ball, but egg shaped!

Between hardboiled eggs and Cadburry Cream eggs on the Egg Tastiness Spectrum

The kit came with a bunch of different candies and marshmallows, and a tube of white “chocolate flavored candy glue” to attach them to the egg. It also had instructions that stated (among other things) that you would need “scissors and creativity!!” Megan insisted that reading the instructions was totally necessary but I was filled with the spirit of POPCORN EASTER ADVENTURE and paid her no heed.

Me, paying Megan no heed! Later she bit me in punishment.

Unfortunately, Steven, with characteristic and annoying artistry, clearly made the best popcorn egg person:

He's happy because he's made of smashed tootsie roll and popcorn!

After softening up the green tootsie roll, I twisted it in strands to give my guy greasy looking hair! Also, his mouth was made of pink Good N’Plenty pieces.

The owl napkin holder does not approve

Megan decided not to compete with Steven’s face making skills and did a pattern instead:

So ready for Popcorn Easter right now!

Unfortunately, the colorful sprinkled pieces ended up tasting like death inside:

The popcorn eggs themselves tasted delicious! Way better than the candy we had used to decorate them. I can say that this was, without a doubt, the best Popcorn Easter ever! Thanks, Mom Ladd.

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Weird Library Encounters: Existential Crisis Guy

March 25th, 2011 by pladd

Some people (like my professors) think that working at a library reference desk means answering questions as myriad and unique as there are people in the world.

Or historical inaccuracies in 300

In reality, it’s usually just a lot of “Where are the mysteries?” and “Where can I find a book that’s exactly like Harry Potter but not Harry Potter?” Sometimes, though, there are those bright stars of individuality who do something so bizarre that I remember them after my shift is over, that I end up telling Steven about so many times they earn a nickname. “Nancy Drew Drunk Lady”, “Star Wars Quote Yelling Boy”, and “Angry Divorcing Mom” are but a few. This week I got to add another perfect, special butterfly to this rare and interesting collection with “Existential Crisis Guy”.

Existential Crisis Guy is maybe the weirdest encounter I have ever had at the library (which, if you’ll take a moment to think about it, is REALLY saying something). But also one of the most polite and uplifting, something I would never think about, say, Nancy Drew Drunk Lady. He came in asking for books about “basic virtues”, which, since we were in the children’s section, I assumed were for his kid. We have a lot of books about things like Responsibility and Caring for the preschool/early elementary crowd, so I showed him where they were. He took one of every single title we had in the section, even doubling up on some of the virtues if more than one series covered it. My first assumption was that he maybe had the most badly behaved child in the world, and that kid was about to get such a reading to.

Then he told me that the books were actually for him. He admitted that he wasn’t the strongest reader (which is a very brave thing to admit! Sometimes people understandably dance around the issue and it’s awkward) and also that he was “having a hard time”. He mentioned losing money, realizing that money can’t buy happiness, and that he is now desperately searching for inner peace. He turned to me with pleading eyes and asked, “Which is the book I can read to tell me how to be happy? How can I find inner peace?”

My first thought was, “Wow, out of the eight librarians on desks right now you thought I was the best person to ask this of?” I guess because on most days I feel so far away from inner peace–or, really, any kind of peace. I told him that there are lots of books about that, and all of them say something different. He seemed pretty bummed that there wasn’t one answer I could just hand him. I showed him the section on feelings and he seemed moderately happy with a book titled something like Being the Best Me I Can Be. I also kind of hesitantly showed him the religion section just in case, but he was having none of that, telling me that religion is not the same as inner peace, that he wanted spiritual happiness. Then he thanked me profusely, said he would be back after he finished “learning these basic morals”, and left.

For a long time after this encounter, I was pretty much freaking out. But the more I thought about it, the happier I got. Here was someone who was clearly in emotional distress. And he chose to come to the library for help. The library, you guys!

I was trying to think of other places people might go to with this sort of problem. Obviously many people, certainly in the past but still today, might turn to a church or religious counsel of some kind. Except when I tried to offer him this he seemed adamant that religion was not the kind of help he needed, that it had nothing to do with “spiritual happiness”.

What about the Internet? That great leveler of libraries that most of my professors are not-so-secretly afraid of? Why didn’t he just type “How can I be happy” into Google? There could be lots of reasons (including not having Internet access at home, for which you would also need to come to the library), but I think one of the main ones is that he needed to talk to another human. Especially with these kinds of problems, there’s little comfort in an algorithm, however well designed. Plus, do a search for “How can I be happy?” You get 1,320,000,000 results! And most of them are trite little tips about “spending time outside”. How are you supposed to sort through that? How are you supposed to find some kind of meaning in that? For some people and for some things, I think the library is the only place to go, whether they know it or not.

And it’s not like I can just tell you the answer. But neither can google, when it comes down to it. What I can do is show you how to maybe find an answer, which in the end, will probably help you more in the long run, when you come up with other questions, anyway.

Sometimes (okay, all the time) grad school gets me down for being a pointless waste of time. Sometimes I let the gloomsayers all around me affect my own attitude, question my own sense of purpose. The day before I met Existential Crisis Guy I had even been thinking things like, “Maybe people really don’t need libraries. Maybe they will disappear and I’ll have to find a different, less awesome job.” I know it’s not really on par with what Existential Crisis Guy was going through, but meeting him definitely helped me get over it. I can tell you with 100% surety that we NEED libraries. Maybe not for little things anymore, like looking up how tall giraffes get, but for big things, things where you need answers but also community.

So, thank you, Existential Crisis Guy. I hope I can help you as much as you’ve helped me.

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Play-By-Play: Nerds Like It Hot

March 22nd, 2011 by pladd

So I meant to do a lot of blog-worthy things yesterday, but instead I used my spare time to read a book for class, the romance novel Nerds Like It Hot by Vicki Lewis Thompson.

I guess I’m glad I got that out of the way, but I still wished I had done… practically anything else.

From this book I learned that:
1) “Nerd” is almost its own ethnicity with traditional dress and customs
2) The Mafia is almost as incompetent as the people it tries to chase
3) In fact, being in it is a lot like playing the game Mafia (which I have always hated for being deceptively boring)
4) If he REALLY loved you, he’d be writing you sweet poems while you are in the bathroom

Here are my play-by-play notes:

Chapter One
Gillian, a makeup artist overhears Neil, some actor, threatening the star of the movie! Neil mentions he has mob connections and then bludgeons him to death with a shoe. Gillian and her 82-year-old friend Cora decide the ONLY thing to do is to 1) give her a makeover to look like Marilyn Monroe, 2) hop on a nerd themed cruise, 3) jump off in Mexico, and start a new life in South America. It’s the MAFIA, you guys, they have no other choice.

Chapter Two
Neil has a crossdressing alter ego known as Nancy, and if Marilyn Monroe were alive today she would be a size 10. Thanks, book, I now feel better about my unfashionably wide childbearing hips.

Chapter Three
Cora hires two private detectives, Lex and Dante, to come with them on the cruise and protect them. Dante is the comic relief and Lex is the guy we are supposed to find attractive. It’s easy to tell because he rambles pretty much constantly about how hot Gillian is in his inner monologue. “Women these days were too skinny and underendowed for his taste. Not this woman” (37). It’s only chapter three and my eyes are already sore from all the rolling they’ve been doing.
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So, Twilight, We Meet Again

March 18th, 2011 by pladd

When I first saw this book, I was not expecting to have to pull out my Signs You Are Reading Twilight list again. First of all, the cover is not in the “something dramatic on black” school of YA lit cover art, but more the opposite:

I don't like the way she's looking at me

I’d read a sentence about it on the library’s new book blog which essentially was “Teenage girl discovers she has Ancient Norse pregnancy powers!” That sounded way too weird and original to be another Twilight, right? Wrong. As it turns out, we’re really having to reach now to find mythical creatures to make “romantic”/lame.

Here’s the Sitch:
Katla is forced by her parents’ divorce to move from L.A. back to her mom’s hometown of Norse Falls, Minnesota and she is not happy about it. Then she discovers she’s part of the Stork Society, a group of old women who have the magical powers to decide what receptive woman in town should be the mother of baby souls that come to them in dreams. Yay? Plus, Love Interest is a broody farm boy who *spoiler* can control the weather. Sort of.

Thirteen Signs that the Book you are reading is, in fact, Twilight

1. Secret Mythical Creature: One-upped. Katla has her whole secret pregnancy powers going on, and her guy Jack is really one of the “Winter People” who don’t feel cold, meaning he can conveniently walk around without a shirt in the Minnesota winter. Also he’s a reincarnation of Jack Frost whose emotions affect the weather. The book treats this as a gigantic surprise ending even though it has been obvious the whole time.

2. Secret Mythical Creature Kind of Lamer than usual and given weird sparkly attributes: The way to call a super secret meeting of the Pregnancy Magic Society, is to scratch your head. Then you and all the other members will develop a gross head rash. With boils. It’s a mystical signal, you guys! Also, Jack is nearly killed by someone holding fire near him.

3. Love at first sight: Jack describes his first sight of her, when he is twelve and she is eleven, as like being “hit with a bolt of lightning”. Katla is just kind of “eh” about him.

4. Star-crossed lovers: For most of the book Jack and Katla have a weird angry-obsessive relationship I thought would turn into Mythical Star Crossed Lovers, but it turns out it’s just because she has amnesia about this time when they were 11 and both almost drowned in a frozen lake. Way to disappoint, book. Also, she hates the cold and he is like an ice creature so there’s that.

5. Over-described hot guy: This aspect was definitely not as bad as in Twilight etc. Or maybe I just skipped over those parts through boredom.

6. Guy who is “too dangerous” and tells girl to stay away from him repeatedly: This time it’s Katla’s mom telling her to stay away from Jack, which again, turned out to be that she didn’t want Katla remembering the traumatic ice drowning incident, not because Jack is a weather-controlling freak.

7. Weird Culty Family: The only weird cult going on is the Stork Society and the whole itchy head thing.

8. Obligatory Human Friend the Protagonist Uses But Mostly Ignores: Her name is Penny and Katla gives her a makeover since, like all of Norse Falls, she is fashion brain dead. At least, according to Katla. Eventually she learns that she shouldn’t be such a bitch about designer clothing, but for most of the book she is secretly thinking how lame Penny is, despite Penny being her only friend.

9. Having to hold yourself back while making out for fear that Morality will manifest as real life danger: Jack and Katla touch three times in the first half of the book and each time she feels like an icy chill has seeped through her veins! The last time, an extended touch in which he’s carrying her, feels like she’s dying! This, again, turns out to be related to her repressed drowning memories. After she remembers, the phenomenon obligingly goes away.

10. Everything that looks like action turns out to be boring: Katla does remain surprisingly ineffectual despite being attacked by a bear and almost killed as a sacrifice to Norse gods. Her main action is to scream for help so that her sister Storks can come to the rescue. Also, she pulls a Bella and faints.

11. No Plot until the last 50 pages: Yeah, so, as noted, all of the “eerie” things about Norse Falls/Jack get explained by the drowning-amnesia deal. Then it was like the author suddenly remembered she was writing a book about supposedly supernatural teens and had the school jock turn out to be an evil Raven who tries to kill Katla and Jack on prom night at the end.

12. Controlling, abusive relationships: They’re pretty okay, actually, if you discount how often Jack has to save her from things like blisters and her own stupidity.

13. Writing style: 7th grade fanfiction: In the plotting more than the actual writing.

Bonus #14. Moving to a New Town of Emoness: Check! I’ve realized this is a common theme in a lot of YA lit, Twilight copycats especially because it’s an easy way to introduce the supernatural. Katla is especially bitchy and emo about it because HOW can Minnesota live up to her beautiful L.A.?

Twilight score: 9/14

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