Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus: A Modern Classic

Just like every other time my brother has forced me to watch something on youtube, the first time I saw this, I was skeptical:

However, the second I saw a giant–nay, MEGA shark attacking a plane while it was FLYING IN THE AIR, I knew this movie would not only be a masterpiece of artistic subtlety, but also an eyeopening account of important global events that the media and Hollywood often ignore. Namely, when prehistoric, giantass sea creatures are unleashed on a totally unprepared modern society. Oh, the Valuable Life Lessons I learned!

1. God will punish us for global warming with GIANTASS SEA CREATURES

The completely believable premise of this movie is that a megalodon and a giant octopus were frozen in ice in the midst of an epic battle for supremacy (since giant icebergs form INSTANTANEOUSLY they were, naturally, caught unawares). When their ice shelf cracks apart, they run rampant again, destroying oil platforms, battleships, and, yes, airplanes. The government’s response is, naturally, to deny and destroy all evidence “to avoid global panic” and the crack team of scientists’ response is, mostly, to pour neon liquids into different beakers and hang out drinking out of paper bags on the beach (I’m not kidding). They do have time for a little philosophizing, however: “The polar ice caps are melting because of our thoughtlessness. Maybe this is our comeuppance”. Jeremy Caves should totally start using this movie to promote his environmentalist schemes. Recycle, OR MEGA SHARK AND GIANT OCTOPUS WILL FUCKING KILL YOU. And your 747.

2. Sharks and Airplanes are natural enemies


Another example of how ground breaking this film is! Before viewing this, I had no idea how sharks felt about airplanes, simply because normal sized sharks have no way of expressing their inner rage towards the flying metal tubes hurtling at top speed thousands of feet above their heads. They have to content themselves with looking at the sky and thinking “Damn you, airplanes! If only you were flying lower and I were somehow ten times bigger! Then I could take you down, you smug bastards.” And that is EXACTLY what megashark does here. You’ll also notice that just before the strike an inexplicable, and oddly purple, thunderstorm starts to erupt. From these clues, we can piece together the subtle message of emotional turmoil within the megashark that the filmmaker is trying to portray: should he strike down the plane with his weather-changing powers, or should he follow his baser shark instinct and simply snatch the plane out of the air?

Another theory about this endlessly debatable clip is that megashark was simply trying to punish what is clearly a plane full of negligent–dare I say, idiotic?–airline passengers. How many of those losers did the stewardess have to remind to put their seat backs up? And when she told “Nervous Passenger” to sit down, he inexplicably told her that “we’re getting married in two days”. This line, mere seconds before Mega Shark chomps them to their doom, could be seen as a subtle attempt by the filmmaker to critique traditional and outdated family values.

3. An all out brawl to the death is ALWAYS the answer

The crack team of scientists is composed of an Irish guy, an Asian guy, and a blonde girl. The viewer picks up on the fact that they are possibly the world’s best scientists because they say things like “Indeed! The laws of physics apply!” and can come up with formulas for prehistoric shark pheromones after hooking up in a broom closet. At first they insist that they will only aid the military if Mega Shark and Giant Octopus can be contained, rather than simply destroyed. However, as multiple close-ups of the Giant Octopus’ eyes show us, the monsters are PURE EVIL and will never stop. After an abortive attempt to contain Mega Shark in the San Fransisco Bay (without anyone noticing?), the scientists realize the error of their ways when Mega Shark bites through the Golden Gate bridge:

A subtle critique on the liberal west coast lifestyle?

A subtle critique on the liberal west coast lifestyle?


Afterwards the blonde comes up with a brilliant plan to force the two to battle EACH OTHER to the death, since they obviously bear each other a hatred so deep that it overrides their biological imperative to not get frozen in a giant ice shelf. Everyone lauds this as an ingenious plan, unaware that she obviously stole the idea from the (equally as visionary) film, Boa vs. Python.

The ONLY logical course of action when a dangerous giant animal is running amok is to find an equally as dangerous and equally as giant animal to fight it. That’s the beauty of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus: though it serves as an artistic critique of many societal aspects, it also provides a realistic account of how this situation would be resolved today.

2 responses to “Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus: A Modern Classic”

  1. Thomas Ladd says:

    DEBORAH GIBSON

  2. Whenever you have a problem you can’t deal with, the solution is ALWAYS to get another problem you can’t deal with to fight it to the death in the hopes that they will somehow manage to resolve one another, rather than just one of the problems being resolved and the other one becoming EVEN MORE POWERFUL.

    It’s good to see that the entertainment industry is finally willing to break the silence and let the world know the imminent danger posed by giantass sea monsters.

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