The Plaid Pladd

I’ve already callously ranked Disney princesses and Disney villains, so it’s only right that I next callously rank Disney Princes, using the incredibly arbitrary Would I Date Them scale. As before, I’m using The Official List.

10. Prince Adam/The Beast

Points for fashion, though

The Beast is the worst. Which sucks for Belle, who’s relatively high on my list of Disney princesses. His list of crimes includes kidnapping, verbal and physical abuse, and probably treating his servants like inanimate objects long before they were actually inanimate objects. I just can’t get behind the narrative of “stay with your abusive rage beast of a boyfriend. You can change him!”

9. John Smith

Where the hummingbird BFF is one of the more historically accurate parts of the movie

I’m trying to just judge based on the wildly inaccurate Disney movie and not what I know about history, but it’s hard not to read Pocahontas through a historical lens, when we know that John Smith’s arrival is just the first in a series of increasingly violent incursions that will bring certain death to Pocahontas’ people. So not really swoonworthy, no.

8. Prince Florian/Ferdinand

Minus points for fashion

Prince Florian does fuck-all. He’s such a non-character that official sources can’t even agree on his actual name. The only thing he does in Snow White is kiss a dead girl.

7. Prince Philip

I find the horse more dateable, honestly

Prince Philip has similar issues to Prince Florian in that you can’t just go around macking on incapacitated girls it is not romantic. Unlike Prince Florian, this isn’t the only facet to his character. He fights a creepy-ass dragon, which is pretty cool.

6. Prince Charming

So your NAME is Charming?

Prince Charming is the neutral point of Disney’s princes. He’s not really anything. Sure, he decides a girl is his OTL after meeting her once, but that’s about par in a Disney universe, and at least he doesn’t take advantage of unconscious girls. Low bar, here, obviously.

5. Aladdin

I can’t decide if his hammer pants are plus or minus points

I like Aladdin okay. He’s funny and crafty, and, despite a hard life on the streets, still has a unfailing moral compass. It’s weird that he dresses his pet monkey in a smaller version of his own outfit (definite psychosis there, right?), and he does a little too much lying to Princess Jasmine to earn a higher ranking.

4. Prince Eric

Eric is the hot surfer dude of Disney princes

Okay, so some of this might be nostalgia, since The Little Mermaid was my favorite Disney movie for a long time, but Eric is pretty great. Here is why he is dateable: 1) Plays a musical instrument, 2) Helps the homeless by inviting them to stay indefinitely in his castle, 3) Will drive a ship into your enemies. The only reason he’s not higher is because he’d probably cheat on you and then blame hypnosis.

3. Eugene Fritzherbert/Flynn Rider

Laaaaaaadies

I did not like this movie, and I didn’t really care for Rapunzel, but Flynn Rider is unarguably one of the hottest Disney princes. Plus, he’s funny and clever and comes with a useful horse sidekick. I wouldn’t trust him, but I would date him, at least for a summer.

2. Prince Naveen

Any dude who can play a ukulele, right?

Prince Naveen KNOWS how to have fun. He would be a great date! Maybe the most fun date on this list! He learns a lot during The Princess and the Frog to not be a total selfish jerk, but I still think he’s too much of a man-baby for long-term BF material.

1. Li Shang

Let’s get down to business

Li Shang can get it. He’s dedicated, loyal, and isn’t threatened by strong women. A relationship with him would actually be a partnership, which means I would totally date him if I were able to keep up.