Disney Princesses: Callously Judged

I decided to rank the Disney princesses, because that’s the kind of thing I do. I was surprised by the results. When asked who my favorite Disney princess is, I’m most likely to say “Merida” or “Mulan”, I guess because growing up reading Tamora Pierce makes me love anything with lady warriors. Ultimately, when deciding on the order of this list, though, I went by who I would most like to hang out with. And I love hanging out with awesome badasses, but I guess there are some other things I value more. I also used the official list of Disney princesses so characters like Megara don’t appear (sadly).

11. Snow White

Ugh, I even hate her face

Ugh, I even hate her face

Snow White is the worst Disney princess. Don’t even try to fight me on this, because it’s definitely true. Her costume is weird, her voice is annoying, and she spends a good chunk of her story either crying or asleep. Plus, she is fourteen, which makes her entire story really creepy.

10. Aurora

Subject of the original "What color is this dress?" debate

Subject of the original “What color is this dress?” debate

Aurora is also pretty boring and annoying. She hardly has any lines in her own movie, and, again, spends a lot of time asleep. Plus, girl gets way too friendly with random dudes she meets in the woods. Still, she’s slightly better than Snow White because she’s mostly just a cardboard cutout of a character instead of actively annoying.

9. Cinderella

But minus points for that hair because what

But minus points for that hair because what

Finally a princess with a little personality! Unlike Snow White and Aurora, I feel like I know more about Cinderella as a person, even if it’s a person I’m not that jazzed about hanging out with. She’s not afraid of hard work, and her initial life experiences will probably make her a compassionate ruler who doesn’t take her wealth for granted. I wish she had a little more spirit instead of just doing whatever her Evil Stepmother or her Fairy Godmother says, though.

8. Rapunzel

And Obligatory Disney Animal Sidekick, of course

And Obligatory Disney Animal Sidekick, of course

I like Rapunzel’s optimism and her curiosity. She would be fun to hang out with for an afternoon, but I think her relentless cheeriness would eventually wear me down. Like, sometimes I just want to make fun of how bad something is (like Snow White). And you can try to make me feel guilty about that, but I won’t. Plus, why do you have a pet lizard.

7. Ariel

I am REALLY surprised to see Ariel so far down on this list

I am REALLY surprised to see Ariel so far down on this list

When I was little, Ariel was definitely my bff. She was curious and rebellious and headstrong. But, while I still like her, adult-me thinks she is kind of dumb. Like, OKAY, you think forks are combs even though the mermaid-world must be eating their food with something. But why doesn’t she step up her attempts at communication? Girl signed a contract so she’s clearly literate. Write Prince Eric a note! Draw him a picture! Don’t just wave your hands awkwardly and then give up. I need a little more ingenuity in my Disney Princess Fave.

6. Jasmine

Plus, those pants look hella comfortable

Plus, those pants look hella comfortable

Jasmine is the only character in her movie with any sense at all. NO, DAD, I am not just going to marry some random losers because you think 15 is too old to be an old maid, EW. And hey, this Jafar guy is CLEARLY EVIL, let’s stop listening to him. I like that she calls Aladdin on his shit for lying to her. Plus, a pet tiger is metal as hell. Jasmine is solid. The only reason she’s not higher is because she’s clearly led a really sheltered life so far, so other princesses beat her out on the fun-to-hang-with scale (a very scientific measurement).

5. Pocahontas

Not taking into account historical accuracy because wow

Not taking into account historical accuracy because wow

Pocahontas knows what’s up. She has clear goals (which aren’t just “get a dude”) and she shows equal measures of compassion and backbone. She argues with John Smith when he’s patronizing, but also doesn’t think that straight up killing the invaders is necessarily the answer. Plus, she can climb trees, dive off cliffs, and paint with all the colors of the wind, so you know we would have a good time hiking and meeting bear cubs and whatnot. The only downside is that she has some freaky supernatural powers. Not only is her grandmother a tree, but she learns English instantaneously by “listening to her heart”. What else is her heart telling her? All my secrets? That I haven’t washed my hair in three days? You can see why hanging with her would be a risk.

4. Belle

Belle's fashion game is on point

Belle’s fashion game is on point

Belle loves to read! Clearly we would have a lot to talk about! She wants more adventures and doesn’t put up with gross jerks. We would clearly be good friends, although maybe not BEST friends, because her idea of adventure is “taming” a dude and getting married. You can’t change him, girlfriend, and my adventures generally involve at least a scavenger hunt so… pass.

3. Merida

Give me that hair.

Give me that hair.

I love Merida’s attitude and her adventurous spirit. She’s in a similar situation to Jasmine, but her solution is not just to whine about it, but to DO SOMETHING to assert her autonomy. I also like how she grows as a person so much during her story and begins to appreciate both of her parents and what they’re trying to do for her. Plus, her style is what I want forever.

hatersgonnahate

2. Mulan

Your awkwardness speaks to me

Your awkwardness speaks to me

Mulan is so amazing!!!!!!!! I have no complaints about her at all. If anything, I’m worried that I’m not awesome enough to hang with her. She doesn’t fit in to the strict gender roles of her society and feels awkward dressed up fancy wearing make up (I HEAR YOU, GIRL). She takes drastic measures to save her father and works hard to become a warrior!!! Then she SAVES CHINA!!! Also, she gets a hot dude in the end, but I like how that’s never her top priority. Girl’s gotta live her life–AWESOMELY–and you can come along if you want to, Li Shang, if you can keep up.

1. Tiana

Reason number one: girl can cook

Reason number one: girl can cook

Tiana is the best. Tiana is who I most want to hang out with. Tiana wins everything. She decided her dream was to open a restaurant so she worked as hard as humanly possible to save up the money, working against racism and sexism to finally achieve her dreams. She doesn’t take any of Prince Naveen’s shit, but she still helps him even when he’s acting like a spoiled baby. Plus, at the end, even though she finds her OTL, she still achieves her dream of opening a restaurant!! Tiana is an awesome role model, and would make a great friend. And that is why she is my top pick for best Disney Princess. She has a lot in common with Mulan, but she achieves her success by working within the system instead of radically undermining it. Both are legit, but I feel like one is less scary for people like me to accomplish. Plus, Tiana has beignets.

One response to “Disney Princesses: Callously Judged”

  1. Bova says:

    This list is great! The main disagreement I have is, in my opinion, that Cinderella should be higher. I would have her like #5 before Pocahontas, because the Pocahontas movie always scared me as a kid.

    Cinderella is friends with animals and she has such a good attitude! And I am excited for the live-action movie with Rose from Downton Abbey. I mean, your explanation makes sense and I agree with most of your list, I just love Cinderella.

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