The Plaid Pladd

I love when the three Sam Neill movies I watch seem to share a theme through no planning of my own! Unfortunately, today’s theme is skeevy creepsters.

Ivanhoe (1984)

1980s Medieval England was the best Medieval England

The Movie: A film version of the Sir Walter Scott novel of the same name, Ivanhoe returns from the Crusades only to be gravely wounded in a tournament which he still wins. His dad, a staunch Saxon lord, wants nothing to do with him because he’s a supporter of Norman King Richard, and so it falls to Isaac and Rebecca, the Jewish father-daughter team, to attend his wounds while his OTL Lady Rowena looks on. Then everyone goes on a field trip to York, but are captured along the way by Prince John’s jerky knights. One of them wants to marry Rowena, another seems to have a thing for Rebecca, and no one realizes the “injured old woman” is secretly Ivanhoe!

Also, one of them is John Rhys-Davies, seen here being pulled into a homoerotic bath

Luckily Robin Hood and King Richard in disguise rally the local peasants and storm the castle! Everyone lives happily ever after, except Rebecca who gets kidnapped by Brian de Bois-Guilbert, who’s totally a Templar, but still thinks he can run away with her to his chapter house without anyone minding. As an order not known for being all about women, they, of course, are not pleased, and immediately accuse her of Jewish witchcraft! Brian is forced to fight in trial by combat against her champion, Ivanhoe, who’s finally decided to do something besides lie around moaning. Of course, Ivanhoe wins, Brian dies, and everyone lives happily ever after. Oh, except Rebecca, who is clears in love with Ivanhoe, but can’t marry him because she’s not blonde enough. The narrator even tells us at the end that, though Ivanhoe married Rowena, he often thought of Rebecca.

Also, here's Isaac's hat. I thought you'd want to see it.

The Character: Since this is the creepster edition, you can probably guess already that Sam Neill is Brain de Bois-Guilbert, the Templar knight who is all about kidnapping Rebecca. He threatens to rape her at first, but then apologizes at the end of the conversation claiming he’s “not normally like this”.

Sexual assault is maybe not the best ice breaker

When the castle gets stormed, he escapes with her oddly easily, and seems genuinely upset when his fellow Templars put her on trial and threaten to burn her. He suggests they run away and get married in some distant land where he will “treat her like a princess”, but she refuses because he’s creepy and also not Jewish. Then he wants to fight as her champion but the other Templars forbid it. Unlike in the book (I think?), in this movie he’s allowed to redeem himself during his final battle with Ivanhoe. Ivanhoe is still pretty wounded and losing pathetically, until Sam Neill just opens his arms and lets him stab him in the chest.

While the Canadian KKK looked on

I like this version because it takes Ivanhoe’s one heroic act in the story, besides showing Isaac a shortcut through the woods in the beginning, and turns it into a Sam Neill heroic act instead. Go back to your bland WASPy lady, Ivanhoe. Snarky Robin Hood provides the best commentary for this scene:

"....... the F?"

What I Learned: Apparently this book created a lot of the elements of the typical Robin Hood legends we know today!

You should watch this if you like: Medieval period pieces where everyone has 80s hair

Doctor Zhivago (2002 TV movie)

Full disclosure: I did not get through this ridiculously long drama. I watched maybe four and a half hours over a two day period before giving up in despair. Russian literature often overwhelms me for being just too bleak and filled with crushing lack of character agency, so I guess that’s not really a surprise.

For some reason the cover flaunts "6 HOURS!" like it's a good thing

The Movie: Yuri’s dad jumps out of a moving train because he’s so in debt so Yuri is sent to live with his… relatives? At least I think they are until Yuri grows up and totes marries the daughter he was raised beside like a sibling, so maybe they are just creepy family friends? Anyway, Yuri trains to become a doctor and one night is called to assist a woman who has poisoned herself because her lover is not-so-secretly in love with her teenage daughter, Keira Knightley. Yuri naturally falls in love with Keira Knightley, but knows their love can never be because he also sees her being creepily hit on by the much older Viktor. Later he meets her again when he’s a WWI doctor and she’s a nurse, and they have a sort of weird not-quite love affair, before he goes home to find communists have taken over his house. He gets in trouble at his new job at the hospital for saying that there’s a Yellow Fever epidemic, even though there totally is, and his family decides to move to the less dangerous Ural Mountains where his wife’s family has an old shack. Conveniently, near the same town Keira Knightley is now living in! On the way, they befriend a doomed urchin boy and meet Keira Knightley’s ex-husband, who has become an embittered, emotionless communist after discovering his wife’s creepy affair/feelings for Viktor. Everyone looks miserable and the movie beats you over the head with how cruel the world is and how powerless all the characters are. I really tried to continue, but the combination of the bleak historical accuracy, Keira Knightley’s pinchy lips, and Sam Neill’s disappearance after the first 2 hours broke my spirit. I can only assume the hour and a half I didn’t get to contain more of the same. Maybe Sam Neill comes back at some point.

Another common theme of today is ridic hats, apparently

The Character: Sam Neil is Viktor Komarovsky, Keira Knightley’s mom’s lover and also the guy whom Yuri’s dad owed all that money to, leading to his suicide! Russia’s a small world.

We meet again, Mustache Sam

Viktor is a sketchball who somehow convinces Keira Knightley’s delusional mother that he just wants to buy Keira a fancy dress and take her out alone because it’s her birthday. Every time Keira Knightley tells him she doesn’t want to see him anymore, he tells her she doesn’t know what she wants and that “we are the same”. She eventually marries Pasha to get away from him, but when she tells Pasha about her experience and he’s like “Well… you didn’t have a choice”, she starts weirdly defending him, “It wasn’t like that, you don’t understand.”

Stockholm Syndrome much?

Keira Knightley also once tells Mustache Sam that he’ll be the first one up against the wall when the communist revolution comes, but he just laughs at her and says the new regime will also find him rich, powerful, and useful, which, according to a brief skim of Wikipedia about the ending of the book, is pretty much accurate. Sorry, Sam Neill. I wish I could have held on long enough to see your return to this ridiculously long movie, but there are some things even my oddly intense devotion to this blog project won’t justify. You understand, right? I’m pretty sure even you have never sat through more than the first half of Merlin’s Apprentice.

What I Learned: Apparently you can just learn nursing “as you go along”; Bolsheviks hated poetry

You should watch this if you like: really really really really really really long historical Russian melodramas; the fundamental powerlessness of humanity

Reilly: Ace of Spies (1983 TV miniseries)

And you’re going to think the theme of this post is also “slacking” because I only watched the first episode of this show. Whatever, you guys, there are like 12 of them, and if I am going to watch the complete run of any Sam Neill TV show, we all know I’m starting with “Hot Guys Without Shirts“.

Oh, Sam Neill! You know how proud I am whenever you make it onto the cover of anything

The Movie: Sidney Reilly was the real life person whom James Bond is based on! A lot of his life is “shrouded in legend” because he was “a master of deception”. I’m serious, sometimes Wikipedia just can’t help itself. In this first episode (titled “An Affair with a Married Woman”), Reilly is trying to get out of the Russian Empire at the turn of the last century with a secret report about oil or something. But the Russians suspect him and detain him near the border, along with a crabby old Reverend Thomas and his dissatisfied young wife. Natch Reilly immediately starts flirting with Mrs. Thomas, then asks her to come to his room in the night as a decoy for his escape attempt, promising to be “waiting for her” when they both make it back to England. LULZ JK you will be detained in Russian prison for months. Then the British Secret Intelligence Service claim to not know who Reilly is and there’s a huge scandal about Mrs. Thomas maybe sleeping with him FOR ENGLAND under false pretenses. Then he shows up to the press conference they are having about it and is like “lolol u guys r such jokesters of corse u know me EPIC LULZ ON U MRS. T-MAS!”

I'm sorry, something about this cocky grin makes me think in ironic Internet speak

Then when they’re alone he’s basically like “Well, we might as well do it. Your husband’s so old you’re probably going to be a rich widow soon.” She flounces off angry, and Sam Neill discovers someone in the SIS has murdered his favorite prostitute! Also there’s some kind of secret OTHER oil report! Eventually he catches the killer and everyone loves him again, including Mrs. Thomas who totes marries him when her husband dies. What?

Good thing my hate turned to love just in time, as per romantic comedy rules!

The Character: Of course Sam Neill is Reilly: Ace of Spies! Unlike the other entries on this list, his creepsterhood in this show is portrayed as more of a cheeky player. You know, just like James Bond. Though he’s upset about the death of his favorite prostitute Rose, and does try to figure out who killed her, he gets over it quick enough to flash that smirky little grin at Mrs. Thomas. They’re just women, right? Uggggggh.

What I Learned: You shouldn’t milk your cows if you’re “expecting” an earthquake (how does that work?) because the milk will just go bad during it

You should watch this if you like: more historically accurate James Bond; smirky little grins

Previously: Ruthless Businessman, Ex-Prison Guard, Sad Husband
Next: Dad Edition

What an exciting week for my Sam Neill project, you guys!! I got to watch the oldest Sam Neill movie I probably ever will! Steven watched something with me and didn’t complain! Sam Neill himself totally commented on my blog!! Okay, so mysterious commenter who has also seen a suspicious amount of Sam Neill movies claims to be a a woman from Bangkok, but that’s just what you would say, Sam, so I’m still putting it down as a “Maybe”.

Sleeping Dogs (1977)

I was going to show you the poster but got distracted googling "Sleeping Dogs"

The Movie: Smith has just gotten divorced and decides to go live on a New Zealand island with his emoness. Except the island is being used as a secret hiding place for guerrilla weapons caches, so he ends up getting arrested. Luckily he’s able to escape by vomiting and then jumping out of a moving car! Then he’s on the run for awhile, trying to live a peaceful life as a motel handyman except that he’s become some kind of symbol to the rebels, so they seek him out. His ex-wife turns out to secretly be a guerrilla fighter, and there’s some chase scenes, some shootings, and eventually everyone dies. Like all movies from the 70s, its tragedy was offset by the ridicness of everyone’s hair.

I kid, Sam Neill, you look great

The Character: Sam Neill is Smith, the main character and pacifist, who just wants to live the quiet life with his dog, and some blonde girl, and the hand turkey his kid made him. Unfortunately, now that he’s been set up by the rebels that’s impossible, and he’s pretty much forced to become one of them. In the end, he drags his wounded rebel frenemy all the way through the jungle only to be surrounded by the right-wing military at the last second and shot after giving the prerequisite “Whatever, I don’t even CARE anymore” speech and jaunty saunter away.

What I Learned: 1970s New Zealand still relied heavily on the barter system. Sam Neill is totally able to swap his car for a boat, and they even throw in a cool dog! That’s a trade I would take! Also, the fate of said dog remains inconclusive. I worried about it for the entire second half.

Would I watch again?: I can only take so much 70s hair and angsting, Sam. Even for you.

Attack Force Z (1982)

I was really disappointed to learn that the “Z” doesn’t stand for “zombie”.

But the hats certainly didn't disappoint

The Movie: Confession: I find war movies really boring. Apart from Sam Neill, I had a really hard time telling the other soldiers in Attack Force Z apart, even though one of them is a young Mel Gibson. They were all Australian army guys in khakis with extremely badass shooting skillz infiltrating some Pacific island jungle to rescue the survivors of a plane crash in Japanese-occupied territory. They get some help from a local resistance leader, who is possibly even more badass than they are, and of course one of them falls in love with the resistance leader’s hot daughter, and SURPRISE! the survivors include a Japanese man who will somehow help end WWII! Everyone freaks out about helping a Japanese guy, and eventually Mel Gibson (I think?) convinces the local people to help them escape with him. A big battle in which everyone but Mel Gibson and Love Interest die! Important Japanese Guy is shot somewhere in the melee, making the entire thing pretty much pointless. Everyone is sad. And dead.

Especially Sam Neill.

The Character: According to IMDB, Sam Neill was Sgt. D.J. Costello, although since I never bothered to learn their names, to me he was “the one who is Sam Neill” as opposed to the other four who were “Not Sam Neill”. He did manage to stand out from his fellow Z Men by being the only one who speaks Chinese, so their main source of communication with their resistance leader allies. In the first few minutes, one of their number is shot and wounded in the leg! Because he will just slow them down or end up captured and tortured, Sam Neill shoots him humanely, in the middle of a conversation.

Because that's how he rolls

What I Learned: Even Sam Neill can’t make me like war movies. How to hide a fugitive from the Japanese army (answer: in a secret compartment under a box of chickens!)

Would I Watch Again?: No. See above.

Crusoe (2008-2009)

I didn’t like the book Robinson Crusoe so I didn’t have high hopes for this TV series. But, surprise! Its only relation to the book is the names of the two main characters, and the fact that they are stranded on an island!

Inaccuracy has never made me so happy!

The TV Show: Robinson Crusoe is stranded on an island after a shipwreck! Luckily, he is a wood-genius and makes all kinds of awesome Swiss Family Robinson-esque treehouses and bridges and elevators and orange juice makers and coconut radios. Okay, maybe not that last one. Also, he saves a guy from becoming a human sacrifice and they become BFF! Friday is even more awesome than Crusoe at fighting, speaking a frillion languages, and being snarky! The show chronicles their various adventures on the island, which seems to be visited by a disproportionate amount of pirates, mutineers, and the like. Also, Crusoe has frequent flashbacks to his life before the shipwreck, where he seems to have been caught in the unpleasantness of the English Civil Wars and aftermath. He also worries constantly about his wife and daughters and angsts about never seeing them again. I was not even upset that Sam Neill is kind of barely in this show, probably because of this:

Hello cute, often-shirtless men!

The Character: Sam Neill plays Jeremiah Blackthorn, Crusoe’s family friend and the godfather to his kids. We see him being kind of sinister in all the flashbacks, but he always seems to act in Crusoe’s best interest, lending him money and claiming to be interested in helping because he has no family of his own. I’ve only seen the first three episodes, but I’m assuming he is secretly Crusoe’s real father, or some other such intrigue. Or maybe he has been secretly plotting against Crusoe this whole time? It’s unclear whether his creepiness in the flashbacks is just because he’s Sam Neill in period dress or a misdirect or for real. I guess I will have to watch more to find out!

I can't make fun of your costumes this time, Sam. They are fabulous.

What I Learned: To set a spirit to rest, their heart, skull, and bones need to be in the same place. Sam Neill movies continue to be terrible at making girls-dressed-as-boys look like believable men. Or maybe that’s just movies in general.

Would I Watch Again?: Yes! I have only watched the first three hours of this show, and I really want to know if Sam Neill is the bad guy or not. Also if Friday ever finds love.

Next: Ruthless Businessman, Ex-Prison Guard, Sad Husband
Previously: Sam Neill: Angst Edition