Spam Report: July 2012

This month has been a pretty great one for Spam!! For the first time in awhile, I got some spam comments from an actual human caught in the filters! Clearly James was just upset that I waste more time responding to spam than I do my actual comments:

On the May spam post TheJamesFox writes:

I can’t get over how hilariously vague the spam form-letter replies are. Who could POSSIBLY think this is going to result in revenue? Like EVER

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN I AM NONSPECIFIC RESPONSE GENERATOR 6000 I FOUND YOUR INTERNET BASED OPINION EDIFICE EXTREMELY ENLIGHTENING FOR I ALSO HAVE OPINIONS ON SUBJECT NOW THAT IT HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED THAT WE SHARE A COMMON INTEREST WOULD YOU LIKE TO PURCHASE SOME VIAGRA

And, because quitters never produce Internet profit:

AM CONSUMED BY AN UNDYING PASSION FOR SECOND THING SO AS YOU CAN SEE WE ARE, AS WE HUMANS LIKE TO SAY BY MODULATING OUR VIBRATING SOUND ORGANS, LIKE TWO EDIBLE PLANT SEEDS IN A BIOLOGICAL VEGETABLE ENCLOSURE MODULE

SINCE WE SO SIMILAR IT IS MAY I SUGGEST THAT YOU WILL ALSO ENJOY FREEONLINEPOKER.COM, FROM WHICH I DERIVE NEUROLOGICAL STIMULUS IN THE PLEASURE RECEPTORS OF MY ORGANIC BRAIN PARTS, AS ANY OTHER NORMAL HUMAN WOULD

It’s funny to me that James’ fake spam posts are actually less imaginative than some of the actual spam I receive. For instance, on that same post, Jane wrote:

what a wonderful world we are living, i still wonder this spell caster how he did it!!!
My mouth is full of testimony, Am Christabel Philips my husband left the home for two years to south Africa for a tourist,he meant a prostitute and he was bewitch be the girl my husband refuse to come back home again, i cry day and night looking for who to help me, i read a news paper about a powerful spell caster called [let me save you from yourself by deleting the contact info that was here–pladd] and i contacted the spell caster to help me get my lover back to me and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods we fight for me.. he told me by mid-night when all the spirit is at rest he will cast a spell to reunite my lover back to me. and he did in less than 3 days my husband came back to me and started crying that i should for forgive him, i,m so happy for what this spell caster did for me and my husband. [okay, so I’m actually censoring the email address so you can’t use Internet magic against me, so what?–pladd] is the best spell caster in the whole wild world.

Wow, Jane! What a dramatic story! I had no idea emailing your credit card info to a sketchy gmail account could bring such quick results! But is it really so easy to forgive your husband after he left you for a tourist/prostitute in South Africa? Are you sure he wasn’t just “bewitched” by her in the same way that Luscious Malfoy was “totally under the Imperius Curse, you guys”? As in, not really at all? Sometimes guys make excuses because they want to cheat on you or kill all muggles, and we can’t let them get away with it by slut shaming some poor working girl or an evil wizard when we all know who’s at fault. Don’t let him shift the blame!

Also, yeah, whenever I read Harry Potter I call Malfoy’s dad “Luscious”. Jason Isaacs totally looks like he should be in a shampoo commercial, it works.

soehnle küchenwaage retro writes about this Sam Neill post:

Hi, Neat post. There’s a problem with your website in internet explorer, may test this? IE nonetheless is the marketplace chief and a huge portion of other folks will omit your magnificent writing because of this problem.

I am strangely okay with losing “a huge portion of other folks” if they all use Internet Explorer. I guess if there actually is a problem with my site in IE I would actually never know because neither Steven nor I (nor any of my real readers? I don’t know, just a hunch based on the fact that I respect them) ever use it, but I have a feeling soehnle kuchenwaage retro is just being cheeky.

Cheap email marketing commented on the same post with slightly better news:

Greetings from Australia. You helped me with my university assignment. Thank so much.

It actually doesn’t surprise me that a university in Australia would have you do assignments about Sam Neill. I assume it’s just that and how to fight cane toads, right?

My bronycon coverage garnered an enthusiastic (if confused) response from spam bots! Khaerani writes about Bronycon costumes:

Wow! I just came across your page on faebocok, I am a state above (KY!) and your work is . amazing to say the least! How, may I ask, do you achieve such perfection and sharpness in the eyes and face? Is it the lens? Aperature? Editing??? I have strived for those kind of eyes, and any tips would be GREATLY appreciated~!

Khaerani is not only confused about geography (Kentucky is not above North Carolina), but also reality. The only pictures with eyes in the post it commented on are drawings of cartoon ponies. That perfection and sharpness is from animation, Khaerani. My only tip is to check a How To Draw Anime and Manga book out from the library.

Some other spambots had me confused with someone else (namely a photographer). Rama writes:

LORA!!!!!! I seriously cried when I saw these imegas! You know what that means?!?!?!? That means that you captured all the emotion from the day. It means that you looked for moments that mattered when no one else was. It means that YOU ROCKED that wedding!!!! I am so flippin’ proud of you!!!!! Love ya girl!

I feel like these messages are maybe coming from an alternate Internet dimension where www.patricialadd.com is owned by a photographer named Lora. Is that this other dimension’s version of me? There’s no way to be sure. Somewhere I hope Lora is checking her comments, really confused about why no one cares about her wedding pictures and why everyone’s complaining about how much she talks about Sam Neill and her sewing machine.

Alternate Dimension Commenter Parikshit writes:

Lora, Your email made me cry this morning. It was so iniredcbly inspiring and heartfelt. Thank you for writing me, you have no idea how much you blessed me. I clicked on your blog, and my jaw dropped. Your work is BEAUTIFUL. My heart is full just thinking about the fact that you are giving your creative gift to the world, and in turn it is giving people life. The world is so much fuller and richer with you sharing your creative eye. I can’t imagine how much your clients love to see themselves through your eye. We would love to have you featured on the blog. Either me or Genie will send you an email on what we need, but THANK YOU for sharing your beautiful story. It made my day.Much love and respect, Me Ra

Another opportunity Alternate Dimension Photographer Me will miss out on because an Internet Space Time rift has funneled the comments here! I assume she is reading Sam Neill’s praise for my reviews as we speak.

Rachel writes:

And – I think the nekkid lady elaevted it – yes, it is kind of a “yikes” design, but at least they put a nekkid lady with an exploding flower head on it. I can respect that.

Again, I have no idea what alternate dimensional post Rachel is looking at, but it sounds way more exciting than anything I’ve put up in the past month. I’ll work on getting a naked nekkid lady with an exploding flower head for August.

Ilesanmi was kind of confused about freezer paper stenciling and wrote:

I haven’t done freezer cooknig in awhile, but I need to get back to it. One of my favorite things is having ground beef (or venison, etc.) already browned and frozen so that it’s easy to add to a casserole, soup or other dish.I hadn’t thought of freezing chocolate butterhorns, but they would be great to have on hand as a quick snack (or even breakfast!)

See, James? Not all spam is meaningless shouting into the void with some attached links! Sometimes they give cooking advice!

Santosh is craftier than any spambot James could imagine:

Those comments were from me, Josh those weren’t spam. I rellay thought you might be interested in well, I can’t say it or your word censoring will catch it and automatically delete it.I’m glad you found something that works for you, Josh. Speaking of working for you how would you like to make more money in just five easy steps?

A spambot that insists it’s not spam?? And also that my name is Josh? What brilliant strategy will they think of next?

Turns out, just more stories about skunks.

Silver account writes:

While out on a “romantic walk” with my husband last night, a skunk decided to run in our path towards the water. My husband, being the inquisitive individual that he is, JUST had to take a better look at the skunk. BAD IDEA.

Your husband sounds a little clueless, Silver account, but then, he is married to a spambot, so what do you expect?

Previously: June Spam Report

One response to “Spam Report: July 2012”

  1. mom Ladd says:

    Must look up Chocolate Butterhorns.

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