North Dakota: The Truth Revealed

May 24th, 2011 by pladd

North Dakota is maybe the least loved US state. You know it’s bad when even South Dakota is making fun of you. What’s the deal? Is it, as Canada tries to console you, that they’re all just jealous? That Massachusetts really just wants to ask you to the 8th grade dance and that’s why he’s always saying you’re a fat, worthless patch of nothing? Anyway, come on, who’s NOT fat compared to Massachusetts? Only prissy bitches like Rhode Island, that’s who. Really, North Dakota, I think if people would just take the time to get to know you, they’d realize you’re really a beautiful state with a great personality.

And, okay, maybe your interminable winters are known for the triple threat of frostbite, Seasonal Affective Disorder, and vampires, but we’re all cranky once in awhile, and that shouldn’t stop people from enjoying you in the balmy (if brief) summer months. Like I did last week! I’ve written before about North Dakota Time Travel and North Dakota animals, but this time I decided to concentrate on debunking some of the myths about North Dakota. Unfortunately, Steven wanted his camera for his sister’s graduation or some other thing that is CLEARLY less important than my North Dakota research. Don’t worry, I’ll try to recreate everything for you using the power of my words. And maybe MSPaint.

1. North Dakota Doesn’t Exist

This is something you used to hear a lot in the pre-Internet days, especially if you had Ms. Szabo for 6th grade social studies at Seminole Middle School. Luckily Google Maps has pretty much squashed rumors that there’s just a big empty hole between Minnesota and Montana.

Unless you think Google is ALSO in on the conspiracy

Of course, the currently more popular corollary to this theory is:

2. Well, have you ever MET anyone from North Dakota?

YES. Lots of them. But I realize not everyone can say that. I mean, unless you’ve met my mom too. I decided not to take a picture of everyone I met on this trip to prove this one, even though I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have minded. Everyone in North Dakota is polite, and usually pretty nice to strangers, maybe from having to band together as a team to survive every winter. Plus, they react with plucky enthusiasm to outsiders, possibly after having to argue their own existence so often. Anyway, I did some research for you on The North Dakota State Data Center and the US Census site to get you some numbers. The population of Bismarck, the state capital I was visiting is about 61,000 as of the 2010 census.

More about why Bismarck is awesome later. The total population of North Dakota is about 672,600:

I included my current state of residence for comparison

Since the total population of the US as of the 2010 census was 308,745,538, about 1 in every 500 people you meet is from North Dakota. Plus, TWO America’s Next Top Model winners have been from North Dakota. I’m not trying to say that everyone from North Dakota is model-hot, just most of them.

3.There’s nothing in North Dakota

Wikipedia does claim that North Dakota is the least visited state. True, it’s not really on the way to anywhere and doesn’t really have any “major tourist attractions”. For me, the giant slide near the Bismarck zoo will always be a “tourist attraction” but there are more legit things to visit. For instance, Theodore Roosevelt National Park! As you know, the only thing TR loved more than shooting things was photographing himself doing it, and North Dakota was an awesome place to do that! You too can see some of the animals that TR loved (and loved to kill) in the National Park named after him!

Like meerkats, but without the singing

Nearby Medora claims to be “North Dakota’s #1 Vacation” and features more old-timey fun with a bunch of cowboys and a ridiculously cheesy musical that’s been shown there since at least 1965.

The International Peace Garden on the border between the US and Canada is also kind of a big deal.

Admit it, you didn't think flowers could grow in North Dakota

This huge garden is the only thing that’s kept the US and Canada from going to war since 1932. Plus, there’s a floral clock! Good job, US Civilian Conservation Corps.

4. Nothing has ever happened in North Dakota

Oh, man, are you wrong! The best thing about Bismarck is that everything is named after either Lewis and Clark, Sakakawea/Sacagawea, or General Custer, three awesome historical figures.


What a great line up of North Dakota awesomeness! I know everyone’s always hating on Custer, but, as North Dakota likes to advertise, he was in perfect health until he left. Plus, both he and Sacagawea were in Night at the Museum 2!

TRUE NORTH DAKOTA HISTORY, YOU GUYS

Lightning Bonus Round

North Dakota’s State Beverage is Milk!
North Dakota has a hymn and a creed!
I bought a North Dakota coloring book that allowed me to do this on the plane:

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24 for 24

May 20th, 2011 by pladd

Tomorrow is my 24th birthday! Today is Steven’s 26th birthday, but who cares about that? If he wanted things to be all about him, he would have his own blog. In case you are still searching for the perfect present (and I assume the entire Internet will get me presents), here is a list of 24 things I like that might help.
 

1. Terrible Movies


You have to be in the right mindset to watch something like Night of 1000 Cats or Stick It! or Titanic II. Luckily, I am always in that mindset.
 

2. Terrible Books

I like to think that I’m a little more discerning about the books I read than the movies I watch, but then I remembered how much I like making fun of things that try to be Twilight. Plus this summer I am going to try to tackle the ridic book Anna Baron gave me in one act payment two years ago: The Black Jewels Trilogy:

Anna Baron knows how to give gifts

 

3. Prehistoric Animals

Like an ostrich, BUT DEADLY

Dinosaurs are cool and all, but I really like all the weird stuff that came after them. I think I have seen all the National Geographic and BBC specials on stuff like this, so if you could just get me an actual leptictidium, that’d be favorite.

4. Art

For the rest of this epic face-off between James Fox and Middle School Patricia click the link in the paragraph below!

I will freely admit to being terrible at most art, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. Whether it’s making up self-involved comics as a birthday present or making a pig mascot of a lemonade tin. I think my decided lack of artistic ability has taught me some great shortcuts that can easily fool people into thinking I’m competent.

Like coloring inside the lines


Read the rest of this entry »

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Protector of the Small Book 3: Squire

May 17th, 2011 by pladd


Reading this book was a little bit weird because I know middle school Patricia stopped at Book 2, but I also vividly recalled the last few pages of this one. I’m pretty sure I was just so desperate to see if Kel finally, finally got to meet Alanna, the only Tamora Pierce heroine I cared about, that I went to the library and read the end. I know, it’s a little bit shameful. Reading the end before the rest of the book is considered a dueling offense in many librarian circles.

Anyway, for the first time since starting this project, I went into a book not really knowing what to expect. Obvs Kel must become a knight at the end since the next book in the series is called >Lady Knight, but beyond that I had no clue what would happen! In case you’ve forgotten from Alanna’s quest for knighthood, the way you become a knight in Tortall is:

1. Be a page
2. Be a squire
3. Take a ritual bath and get instructed in chivalry by two knights
4. Stay up all night in vigil in the chapel without speaking
5. Go into the magical nightmare chamber of the ordeal and quietly survive whatever it throws at you
6. KNIGHTED!

This book covers steps 2-6 for Kel, plus her first boyfriend, a lot of jousting, and near constant insults from random jerks. Some of the loose ends from Book 2, Page are tied up when the noble who paid hitmen to kidnap Kel’s maid and ruin her Page SATs is caught, his identity a surprise to no one. This book also starts to foreshadow what is going to go down in the sequel, Lady Knight as Scanra, the country on Tortall’s northern border, starts getting restive, sending raiding parties and creepy magic metal monsters to wreck up the place. At the beginning of the book, Kel is worried that no knight will choose her as a squire since Alanna is forbidden to speak to her in case someone tries to call shenanigans on her legit skillz. Luckily, Alanna’s old friend Raoul, Commander of the King’s Own, steps in, finally becoming a main character after two books of reminding us who he is. Raoul is pretty tough, but practical and fun, which pretty much describes Kel too.

I can see why Middle School Patricia got fed up before reading this book since, at the time, Kel and Co. were just not dramatic enough for her. She was frustrated when people who were mean to Kel were not SWIFTLY and IMMEDIATELY punished or shown the error of their ways, as would have happened in Song of the Lioness. I think she was annoyed that Kel and her story were a little too much like how things go in the real world. She probably should have just stuck to fanfiction. Now, of course, I really appreciate Kel’s forthright attitude, and the fact that not everyone is immediately her friend or even agrees with her in the end. It doesn’t stop her from kicking ass. Oh, she also briefly gets a pet griffin. It’s way annoying.

The Checklist

Animal Companions: Peachblossom (horse), Jump (dog), Griffin Baby, Sparrows
Magical Bling: Some griffin feathers!
Love Interests: Neal, briefly, leftover from Page; Cleon, for real reals; Dom, a slight unrequited crush
Old Friends: Raoul, of course, and Daine shows up a lot to help with this baby griffin problem

The Play-By-Play

Chapter one: Knight-Master
Welcome to the brooding practice court of backstory! Kel is sad because no knight will pick her as squire, but then Raoul picks her! Neal has been picked by Alanna because she can also teach him to heal with his magic. Kel is totes jeal, but Neal complains about Alanna’s temper. She’s just mad that no one can be as awesome as her, Neal!

Chapter two: The King’s Own
Flyndan, Raoul’s second in command, is annoyed that Raoul now has to “babysit” Kel, but everyone else seems pretty nice, especially Dom, Neal’s cute cousin! You know what they say, Kel, if you can’t have the guy you want, his cousin is almost as good. Lerant, the standard bearer, is also jealous because he thinks Kel will usurp his jobs. Read the rest of this entry »

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Protector of the Small Book 2: Page

May 13th, 2011 by pladd


I finished this book the day I heard about the first women serving on submarines! Of course my first thought was, “JUST LIKE KEL!!!!” Hopefully the Protector of the Small series is required reading in Naval Nuclear Prototype Training, because I think it will really get them ready for the challenges ahead! And, you know, teach them some finer points of jousting. Hopefully no one will pee on their doors or do other mean things to drive them out like Kel is still having to put up with here in Book 2.

You’d think being finally made a “real” page and not on probation would shut everyone up, but, alas, Joren and his friends are still tormenting poor Kel. She bears it stoically as usual, and continues to work hard at being awesome. One of my favorite things about Kel is that she’s not great at anything right away. Girl works HARD to earn her spot at the top. She gets up earlier than anyone to practice and exercise, adding other exercise routines in among her duties throughout the day. Kel is Rachel’s favorite Tamora Pierce heroine and in this book I discovered why: Kel is super tall! Since this book covers ages 11-14, Kel not only grows way tall, but also gets boobs and her first crush! I’d tell you more about the plot, but it’s mostly “school hijinks, puberty, SUDDEN KIDNAPPING ADVENTURE” as if the book remembers it should have a climax only in the last chapter.

The Checklist

Animal Companion(s): Peachblossom (grumpy horse), Jump (mangy dog), a flock of sparrows
Magical Bling: Kel is not really into magic, but she does have an awesome stash of weapons and gear thanks to her mystery benefactor
Love Interest(s): Natch Kel starts crushing on Neal, her BFF, since he’s handsome, funny, and 5 years older, the recipe for a perfect crush; Cleon’s fake flirting may have turned into something more!
Song of the Lioness/Immortals Character sightings: Raoul shows up once to remind to you he exists

The Play-by-Play

Chapter one: Page Keladry
Kel saves a really ugly, sausage-stealing dog from being meat-cleavered to death by a butcher. Her gloomy servant begs Kel to hire his niece Lalasa as a maid since she keeps being sexually harassed by nobles and other servants. Apparently this will stop once she’s a personal maid? Joren is still a jerk.

Chapter two: Adjustments
Kel tries to give the dog, Jump, to Daine, but Jump just wants to follow Kel around. Kel discovers Joren and Co. hazing a first year named Owen and starts a fight. Owen helps out, mostly by bleeding, and thinks it’s “jolly”. Read the rest of this entry »

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First Test: Protector of the Small Book 1

May 10th, 2011 by pladd


I am super excited to be starting Tamora Pierce’s third Tortall series, Protector of the Small, and not just because The Immortals Quartet makes me a little queasy. Protector of the Small starts a year after the events at the end of The Realms of the Gods and ten years after our beloved King J passed a proclamation saying girls can train to be knights. Finally someone takes up that challenge! Keladry, or Kel as she is called, faces a lot of the same challenges as Alanna did in her training, although without having to pretend to be a boy. In a lot of ways, this is worse, since she faces constant prejudice and unfair treatment both from her peers and some of her teachers. Though Kel looks up to Alanna, she’s very clearly Alanna’s opposite. Where Alanna has a temper, Kel strives to constantly “be as stone” and not let her emotions show. Her biggest pet peeve is anyone picking on someone smaller–hence “Protector of the Small”–and then she doesn’t hesitate to stoically kick some ass. Possibly because I’m more like my homegirl Alanna, it took me awhile to warm up to Kel, but I think by the end of Book 1 we are now BFFs. Middle School Patricia was less forgiving. Plus, by the time she read First Test, it was 8th grade, she was older, wiser, and had largely moved on to longer though not necessarily better literature. In consequence, I hardly remember anything about the two Kel books I know I did read, besides being constantly annoyed that nobody stepped in to make things more fair. Stupid boys.

In this first book, Lord Wyldon, the stodgy guy in charge of pages, insists that Kel serve a “probationary” year even though no boys have to, supposedly because he wants any excuse to send her home. Kel is pretty pissed at this, and the many other, injustices she finds waiting for her at the palace, but she grew up in Ancient Japan the Yamani Islands, where she was taught that to show emotion is to show weakness so she just shuts up and deals. Unlike Alanna, she has to earn most of her friends, since almost all the other pages hate her on sight. You know, because boys suck. Where Alanna feared cold most of all, Kel fears heights (future plot point, I’m sure). Kel is also the first main character in a Tamora Pierce series that doesn’t have some kind of magic, which Middle School Patricia thought was pretty boring, but I think is pretty cool.

The Checklist

Animal Companion(s): Peachblossom (bitchy horse), Crown and her flock (sparrows)
Magical Bling: None yet, but she does have some lucky cat charms
Love Interest(s): None yet, she’s only 10!
Song the Lioness/Immortals character sightings: King J and Healer Baird’s sons are both pages and Kel’s friends; Daine and Numair each make a brief appearance; Sir Myles, Lindhall, and Tkaa the Basilisk are all teachers; Sir Raoul shows up at the end to kick some spidren ass. Alanna is pouting somewhere else because everyone wants her to stay away from Kel.

The Play-by-Play

Chapter one: Decisions
Lord Wyldon doesn’t want to let a girl page in, but King J makes him. Alanna has to stay away because people will say Kel helped her cheat her way through. Kel wants to say no because probation is so totally not fair, then she is attacked by a spidren in the forest and realizes she needs any training she can get. If they send her home after a year, “I’ll still know more than I do now”(17).

Chapter two: Not so Welcome
Kel’s room is wrecked by mean boys her first day so the head servant gets her a special lock. Older pages have to sponsor younger pages and no one wants to sponsor Kel, I assume because they fear her raw girl power. Finally Neal of Queenscove, son of Duke Baird the chief healer, is all “Whatevs, I’ll do it.” He’s 15, not 10, because he started late after dropping out of healer college. He also sasses the teachers pretty much always. Read the rest of this entry »

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Immortals Book 4: The Realms of the Gods

May 6th, 2011 by pladd


This is the last book in The Immortals series, and the one I most remember. Daine finally makes a (pervy) love connection with Numair, discovers her father is Weiryn, God of the Hunt, and defeats Stormwing!Ozorne. Most of the action takes place in the Realms of the Gods, where Daine and Numair end up accidentally on purpose when Daine’s Mom and Dad try to rescue her from certain death. Turns out, the Realms of the Gods is pretty much just the wilderness, except all the animals are gods and more things want to kill you.

It’s interesting to finally meet Daine’s parents, and sad that I hate both of them. Her mom is really whiny, and doesn’t seem to get that girl’s got shit to do. Plus, never mentioning that the dad you refused to tell Daine anything about for some reason is a God so, hey, you might want to watch out for god-like powers? Clearly she knew it would make a much better dramatic reveal for the last book. Her dad seems to think that being a dad means 1) sending a badger to “look out for her” and 2) giving her a new bow and arrow set. New weapons are always appreciated by the fiesty ladies of Tortall, but maybe if Daine had a father figure instead of a pet badger, she would not be all about hooking up with guys 15 years older than she is.

Tamora Pierce wants us to think that Numair falls in love with Daine at the beginning of this book, ignoring all the weird jealousy and touching in Emperor Mage. In the prologue of this book, when the wall between the mortal and immortal realms finally falls for good, the narration is from Numair’s point of view as he mind melds with other magic users because of the magicsplosion, and mentions Daine’s “soft lips” too many times to not be full of sketch. Here’s an excerpt:

He could feel her blink, as if those long, dark lashes of hers touched his cheek. Suddenly he learned something that he’d never considered before. For a brief moment, that fresh knowledge erased even his sense of magical cataclysm. (3-4)

That’s right, Numair. You know she’s your OTL when thinking about her erases your sense of magical cataclysm. I have no idea why Middle School Patricia found this romantic.

 

The Checklist

Animal Companion(s): Badger God; Broad Foot (God of Platypi, or “Duck-Mole”); Gold-Streak, Leaf, and Jelly (Darkings, or those magical black things on the cover)
Magical Bling: Badger Claw (cellphone to the gods), Numair’s “DAINE OTL” locket (easier to use than putting a locator chip in her head)
Love Connections: Numair, the tall and sketchy

The Play By Play

Prologue
The barrier between the Realm of the Gods and the mortal realm is gone!! I thought this happened like three books ago, but apparently those were just small magical openings that weakened the magical wall. Now all the scary monsters imprisoned behind it are free to pour back into the mortal realms and attack everyone. Read the rest of this entry »

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Immortals Book 3: Emperor Mage

May 3rd, 2011 by pladd


Daine definitely goes on field trips a lot more than Alanna got to. The third book in her series takes place in Ancient Egypt Carthak, where King J has sent a peace delegation to negotiate with the Emperor Mage Ozorne despite all the shit he pulled in the last two books. Daine is ostensibly there to heal the Emperor’s sick parrots, but really the gods want to use her as an instrument of their displeasure with Ozorne. Specifically, the Graveyard Hag, patron god of Carthak. She’s an awesome cantankerous old woman who enjoys rats, hyenas, and raising the dead, a power which she briefly passes on to Daine.

Numair is also along on this mission, despite having fled Carthak years ago after betraying Ozorne in some vague way. It’s pretty obvious that Ozorne is still super-pissed, but Numair doesn’t worry about it because he has old girlfriends to fool around with, while jealously stopping Daine from having any kind of love connection with the teenage crown prince. Plus, there’s this moment, which, as Alanna’s BFF, I am just not going to stand for:

“Mithros bless. You look very pretty.”
Kitten chortled while Daine blushed. “You think so really?” she asked, feeling shy. “I know I don’t hold a candle to Alanna, or the queen–”
He held up a hand. “That isn’t strictly accurate. The Lioness is one of my dearest friends, but she is not an exemplar of female beauty. Years and experience have given her charm, and her eyes are extraordinary, but she is not beautiful. Queen Thayet is astoundingly attractive, it’s true, but you have your own–something.” He scrutinzed her. “You should wear blue more often. It brings out matching shades in your eyes.” (15)

Oh, Numair. Nothing makes girls like you more than explaining why they are not being “strictly accurate” about their looks. And is Alanna “not an exemplar of female beauty” because she is smart enough to spurn your creepster advances, unlike the 15-year-old you are currently perving on? It’s comments like these (and the nickname “sweetling” he uses on her towards the end) that give this book a creepy rating of 3 out of 5.

The Checklist

Animal Companion(s): Kitten (dragon baby), Zek (monkey)
Magical Bling: Silver Badger Claw
Love Interest(s): Prince Kaddar!
Song of the Lioness Character Sighting: Alanna, Gary, and Duke Gareth are all getting their diplomacy on!

The Play By Play

Chapter one: Guests in Carthak
The badger god is pissed that Daine is in Carthak because the gods are about to lay the smackdown on Ozorne. But, since she can’t leave, he gives her raising-the-dead powers. Duke Gareth repeats to Daine over and over to behave herself, but she ends up jumping into the river to save a monkey.

Chapter two: Imperial Welcome
Daine meets: Master Reed, Nuamir’s old magic teacher, Varice, Numair’s old girlfriend, and the Emperor. Emperor Ozornse is one suave cat who loves his jewelry. Daine heals his birds.

Chapter three: Hall of Bones
Everyone goes on a tour of the menagerie! Daine meets some hyenas who think the Emperor is hilarious, and then discovers the “Immortals” section of the zoo! She thinks it’s weird that there are Stormwings in cages here, even though Ozorne is allied with them. She has a confusing encounter with an old slave woman, and briefly brings a dinosaur skeleton to life in the hall of bones.

Chapter four: Strange Conversations
Lord Rikash, the head Stormwing from the last book, is here! He is full of sarcasm, and is shocked when Daine tells him there are stormwings in the menagerie! Apparently it’s the old stormwing queen the new king claimed to have killed. Daine meets some animal-trainer slaves from some animal-worshiping tribe who insist that she must be the child of a god. Rikash gives Ozorne a gift of one of his steel feathers, saying if he’s ever in peril, he should plunge it into his skin and he will be spirited away safely. Numair yells at Ozorne when he can’t find Daine one morning, and Ozorne is all “Yeah, it is totes sketchy that you are probs sleeping with her” It hurts because it’s true. Read the rest of this entry »

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April Book List

May 1st, 2011 by pladd

With Steven


House of Many Ways by Diana Wynne Jones
Sequel to Castle in the Air and Howl’s Moving Castle, Charmain, who really just wants to be a librarian, ends up house sitting for a wizard and saving the kingdom from scary, secret-impregnation bug monsters.


Fly By Night by Frances Hardinge
Political intrigue, religious strife, guild wars, spying, conmen, chases, highwaymen, an epic shoot out between floating coffee houses, and one very mean attack-goose.


Museum of Thieves by Lian Tanner
Mixed up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler but with magic!

Fiction


Into the Wild Nerd Yonder by Julie Halpern
Probably my favorite book I read this month! I really just want to be Jessie’s BFF. She sews skirts out of the amazingly ridic fabric at fabric stores (something I have also done), and falls in love with a huge nerd (ditto). Plus, she listens to audio books of my favorite books while she’s doing it! Also, there’s some D&D and cosplay, which of course I would also be ace at. I’m actually pretty bummed that Jessie isn’t real, because we could have an amazing audiobook sewing party some time. I may have to make fun of her for fantasizing about Rupert Grint (he’s like some kind of gnome, Jessie, you can do better), but we would bond over making fun of her poseur-punk friends and my inability to sew a zipper without hurting myself at least once.

Read the rest of this entry »

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