Third time’s the Charm? Espresso Chocovine Challenge!!

August 3rd, 2011 by pladd

So, last week I was picking out some grapes at Food Lion and happened to glance at the wine shelf next to me, near the floor where they shelve their Chocovine (where it belongs). I gave it the wary yet familiar look I reserve for my seasoned foes since we have fought valiantly against each other on more than one occasion. I was about to go on with my shopping when I stopped to wonder why Food Lion thought there should be TWO bottles of Chocovine on display next to Raspberry Chocovine. No way is that right! And then… I saw it. A NEW CHOCOVINE FLAVOR!!!!! Espresso! But it doesn’t even really matter WHAT it was, what matters is that inevitably a new Chocovine Challenge must follow! I never try to fathom the looks Food Lion cashiers give me, but this one was probably because he’d never seen someone SO EXCITED to be buying Chocovine of any flavor.

You probably remember how this goes. Now that Servery Challenges no longer take place in the Servery, entrants have 10 minutes to complete their entry, this time utilizing at least three shots of Chocovine! Then entries are presented, tasted, and voted on. Supplementary awards are then handed out at the entrants’ discretion.

The Entries
First-time competitor and my preschool BFF, Megan was about as quick as me to complete her entry. She also unprecedentedly brought her OWN fancy, monogrammed glassware and decorated it with a gingham ribbon! I am legitimately impressed.

Clearly I did a great job impressing upon her the seriousness of this competition


Drink Name: Cinnamon Surprise
Creator: Megan
Ingredients: Espresso Chocovine, cinnamon, honey, floating stale marshmallows, milk, I think maybe some sprinkles that melted?
Taste: Megan’s drink was pretty delicious! It tasted a lot like something fancy you’d get at Starbucks, and the cinnamon flavor was pretty strong, giving it a little more kick. You couldn’t really taste the awfulness that is Chocovine, just the espresso flavor. Good job successfully masking the vileness of Chocovine, Megan! That has always been the chocovine challenge’s one goal. Well, unless you’re Rachel. Then it’s to traumatize our taste buds.

Once again, my strategy was to be lightning fast and not taste anything beforehand. Gotta believe in yourself.

Yeah, that's right, this drink has the Dumbledore seal of approval.


Drink Name: Sunday Morning Sundae
Creator: Patricia
Ingredients: Espresso Chocovine, milk, French vanilla flavored cool whip, chocolate sauce, chocolate chips, nuts, sprinkles, maraschino cherry
Taste: Unless you were using a straw, it was pretty difficult to get to the actual chocovine drink at the bottom of my cool whip sundae creation. But, once you did, it had been sufficiently diluted by the milk, chocolate sauce, and cool whip to be almost indistinguishable from something edible.

Steven, as usual, went for presentation and concept over actual taste, the only one of us to add MORE chocovine. Also as usual, he took longer than the rest of us.

Most of the time was getting that cherry to stay


Drink name: Tiramisuck
Creator: Steven
Ingredients: Espresso Chocovine, shaved chocolate, cinnamon, cream, cherry and biscotti garnish, probably some other things I’m forgetting
Taste: Surprisingly, this tasted a lot like tiramisu, without the cakey parts. So, pretty much the only parts of tiramisu I like. We all (including Steven!) agreed that none of us really like tiramisu so this may have been a poor concept. Overall, it was kind of weak and tasteless compared to the other drinks. Not that that’s a bad thing, since now we come to…

Thomas! Clearly trying to show Rachel that they are still BFFs! In spirit! Gross Chocovine spirit!

I can assure you, that look is ENTIRELY appropriate


Drink Name: Rob
Creator: Thomas
Ingredients: Espresso Chocovine, Lemon Cherry Sun Drop
Taste: Not as bad as you would think. But that’s not really saying much since I thought I was about to drink something that tasted like vomit. It just tasted kind of fruity… but also slimy? I don’t know if it was something about the carbonation in the soda but these two liquids did not mix well, making the drink full of weird congealed bits of chocolatey grossness. Also, if you stopped stirring it constantly, this happened: Read the rest of this entry »

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Harry Potter Costumes!

July 22nd, 2011 by pladd

Steven and I had an entire dinner-long discussion about what costumes to wear to the midnight showing of the last Harry Potter movie! Since this is potentially my last chance to dress as a Harry Potter character in a public place and not have people look at me like I’m a freak, I really wanted to do something cool. Of course, I also had limited time and resources, so here’s what I came up with:

Moaning Myrtle!


I was super happy with this costume because I assembled it for pretty much the cost of a toilet seat! The tie and white shirt are both Steven’s, and the sweater vest was $2 on clearance at target. It looked very different when I bought it, but I was able to cut off the sleeves and ridic neckline. The cloak I already owned from my highschool RenFest years, and the skirt (not pictured) I made myself out of some grayish fabric and a shoelace! Exciting!!!

Clearly there was only one character to choose for Steven, given his hair situation:

Sirius Black!!! Unfortunately he didn't make Crazy Gary Oldman faces the whole time


This costume was even easier since it was essentially just poster board and some extra large women’s pajamas I got on clearance and then cut up and resewed messily in places to give them a “just escaped from prison” look.

Megan went with us too! She dressed as “Harry and Hermione’s love child” which we named Herry Harmione Potter. Her wand really lit up when you flicked it which was super cool!

I like this picture because my hand looks like I might be turning into a ghost!!

For some reason we thought taking pictures AFTER the movie at 4 in the morning was a really great idea, which led to this picture that I now am at a loss to explain:

Possibly I decided that was some kind of ghost gang sign

Yay for homemade costumes!!

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Kick Ass Women: Literary Characters Edition

July 19th, 2011 by pladd

To continue my current project of praising some kick ass women that helped influence Middle School Patricia for the better, here is a list of kick ass women characters from books I remember reading and enjoying! Middle School Patricia read a lot–probably way too much, looking back–so literary characters definitely had way more influence on her than they probably should have.

Elizabeth, the Paper Bag Princess

As seen in the book of the same name by Robert Munsch


Peggy Orenstein of Cinderella Ate My Daughter fame actually mentions this picture book when she’s trying to find more female-empowering fairy tales to read to her daughter. Unfortunately, she doesn’t like this story very much either, because she says the message seems to be that princesses can’t be strong women AND find love. They have to choose one or the other. Personally, I don’t think that is really the point of the book at all. Here is a plot rundown in case your childhood was deprived:

A dragon wrecks Princess Elizabeth’s castle and carries off the prince she was going to marry! Rather than sit around feeling sorry for herself or waiting for someone to rescue her, she puts on the only thing she can find–a paper bag–and sets off after the dragon to rescue her prince herself. She tricks the dragon into wearing himself out and falling fast asleep, and then heads on into his lair to find worthless Prince Ronald. Prince Ronald is appalled by her gross singed hair and terrible choice of clothing and tells her to come back when she looks like a “real” princess. Elizabeth tells Ronald that even though he may look like a prince, he is really just “a bum” and runs off into the sunset.

Whatever, Ronald, like you're NOT dressed like a tool?

So, Peggy is right: Princess Elizabeth doesn’t get married at the end. Which I think is awesome! I hate how stories always end with the female protagonist getting married, as if that is the pinnacle of a woman’s existence and nothing of note will ever happen to her again. I also don’t see this ending as saying “all men suck and Elizabeth can never get married because she is too strong a lady”. Elizabeth won’t marry Ronald, which is totally the right choice and I don’t think anyone would argue otherwise. For all we know, she is running off into the sunset to find an awesome guy who doesn’t care about her appearance and would not act like such a prat when she just went to the trouble of rescuing him! The moral is not that strong women can’t find husbands; it’s that appearances don’t matter, and you shouldn’t waste your time with people who think they do! Elizabeth is amazing no matter what she is wearing, even if it is just a paper bag, and Ronald is a total jerk even though he is always dressed in the medieval fantasy version of Aeropastale. Secondarily, Elizabeth doesn’t “have” to get married at the end of her story just because she’s a princess or a woman. I wish more stories for girls ended without them finding love, because having it happen in pretty much every book creates too much pressure and unrealistic expectations.

Some people have thought it seemed like a weird choice for me to dress as for my wedding, what with it being kind of the opposite of a love story. And, yeah, it’s not going to work out for Elizabeth and Ronald, but I think this story can still teach us a lot about love: how important it is to love yourself, to find someone who can love you no matter the clothes or hair or other superficial things, and not to ever settle with someone who is less than perfect just because it’s the end of the story and you feel like that means you have to get married. Luckily, I have taken all those lessons to heart, which is why I’m marrying Steven Wiggins, not Prince Ronald.

I mean, is this the face of a man that cares about appearances? Not enough to untag himself on facebook, apparently


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5 Things I Got From My Mom… That I Couldn’t Be Happier About

July 12th, 2011 by pladd

Naturally I have to start my week of Kick Ass Women with my mom! It’s hard for girls not to be super influenced by their moms, so I’m lucky mine is such a great role model. Feeling like you’re becoming your mother seems to be a pretty common concept for women, at least in movies, books, and newspaper comics, and it is usually met with dread and annoyance. Personally, I am pretty excited about it since it means turning even more awesome! Here are 5 Things about me that I can already recognize are part of this process, and I am totally stoked about all of them:

1. The Drive to Find Something You Love, and Do It No Matter What

If you know my mom, you know she’s a math teacher. It’s impossible to not know this about her, it’s so much a part of who she is. It is kind of ridiculous how much extra time outside of school she spends preparing, grading, and communicating with parents and students. In one of the education classes I had to take in grad school the prof was telling us about how most teachers suck because they don’t communicate with parents. She finally admitted that some teachers will try to contact a parent if the student is doing poorly, but “have you ever heard of a teacher who contacts a parent with positive reinforcement?” I get that she was trying to make a point, but I still raised my hand and said, “Yes, I lived with her for 18 years and the rest of y’all really need to catch up.” Okay, maybe not that last part.

My mom, outside her classroom!

Because I grew up with this, I didn’t really think it was weird that she went in hours early and stayed hours late to help students before and after school, or spent entire evenings calling parents, or made breakfast for her classes before the big AP test. That’s just what you do when you have a job, right?

Well, in the real world, it turns out not really. This study found that only 20% of people are very passionate about their jobs, and that was back in 2005. The same year, coincidentally, that I got my first job and poured about 50-60 hours a week into making the library the best place ever. Sure, it’s not the most glamorous or well-paying job ever, but I love it, and I don’t mind pouring more time and energy into it than anything else in my life because I know it’s worth it. Just like to my mom teaching is worth it. Perhaps the most important lesson she taught me through her own kick ass example is to love what you do, and do whatever it takes to do what you love. Because in the end, happiness is more important than money or fame or any of the other things I might be hoarding if I weren’t so into librarianing.

Not as important as loving your job... but both would be nice

2. A Healthy Attitude About Beauty

This had to be on the list since a preoccupation with beauty standards is something it’s almost impossible to escape as a girl in our society. I’m not saying I was totally immune–I suffered through middle school just like everyone else, thanks–but it definitely could have been a lot worse if I was also feeling subconscious pressure from my mom. It’s not like it would have been her fault, but you internalize so much at that age she couldn’t have helped it. If I’d grown up seeing my mom plaster her face with thick coats of makeup every day before daring to show her face outside or spending hours “fixing” her hair I’m sure I too would have assumed I needed all that, just to be presentable. Instead, she never really worried about it.

"The only thing I'm worried about is why you are still taking pictures when it is summer in Houston and I am dying of heat stroke, DAD"

Pretty much every potential fashion/beauty discussion I ever had with my mom growing up centered around the question “Are you comfortable?”, from which shoes to buy to how to deal with my hair. It’s not that we don’t want to look nice, but that will always be a secondary concern to things like “Can I walk?” and “Am I melting because we live in Florida?” Seeing the money and effort and worry people expend on beauty in the real world, I’m glad I never learned to stress about it too much.
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New Project: Kick Ass Women

July 11th, 2011 by pladd

Ever since reading Cinderella Ate My Daughter, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be a girl. The 6th grade girl I tutor tells me frequently that “girly things are stupid”, an attitude I remember espousing with just as much vigor when I was her age. It was impossible to see myself in most girl characters in movies and books, and, no matter how much I wanted to fit in with my more socially adept peers, I couldn’t bring myself to care enough about fashion or boys, the only two things “cool” middle school girls cared to talk about.

I was 13 and I knew that I was not pretty, that I would never be pretty. It’s the kind of thing you know with an awful, resigned certainty at 13. Whether or not I was right is irrelevant, because I knew that I would never be like the beautiful actresses I saw in movies or the beautiful heroines I read about in books. Though I couldn’t have told you at the time why I felt such an instant aversion to these characters, I know now that it’s because they were all almost always defined by their looks. Or a man. Usually both.

Instead, I was obsessed with wizard characters. It was 7th grade and I was obsessed with Belgarath the Sorcerer and the countless, repetitive David Eddings series about him. I got my mom to make me a wizard robe and hat which I wore for at least two Halloweens in a row, plus just any time I felt like it in my room. It’s not that I wasn’t also really into springy butterfly hair clips, boy bands, and other, more normal 7th-grade-obsessions, because I was, but all of these trends were more fleeting, and even when I first adopted them I realized that they were silly and not really for me. Each time I wore my springy butterfly hair clip to school, I felt like I was wearing a ridiculous disguise that everyone could see through. I didn’t really care about fashion or hair or glitter–at least not as much as everyone around me seemed to, not as much as seemed to be required to earn a place in the ranks of Girl. What I really cared about was wizards. Usually old guy wizards with long beards and cantankerous personalities. Why? Because they were usually the only characters who were smart. Just smart. That was enough for them to get by, and usually have an awesome part in the story besides.

Middle School Patricia recognized that smart was pretty much the only thing she had going for her, but there was no girl-equivalent of the wizard in most stories, no smart female character that always knows the answer to the stupid hero’s problems (Middle School Patricia did not have a very high opinion of heroes). Granted, there is a vaguely female equivalent to Belgarath the Sorcerer in David Eddings’ books: his daughter, Polgara. She’s intelligent, powerful, and knows how to boss people around, but the first words used to introduce her whenever she shows up, the first thing other characters notice about her, are always about her drop-dead-gorgeous looks. Plus, she’s annoyingly condescending to everyone and tries to be everyone’s mother. At 13, I knew I did not want to be anyone’s mother, and certainly didn’t want to have to lean on my looks (such as they were) to get where I wanted. Polgara seemed just as silly and annoying as any princess in a fairytale (of course, by the end of the saga she discovers what she actually wanted to do all those years was have babies). So I settled for a bunch of magical old guys. Which is pretty sad.

In an effort to cheer myself up, I’ve decided to devote my next few posts to talking about some of the kick ass ladies who were a good influence on Middle School Patricia. Ladies who, whatever they look like, refused to be defined by their beauty or lack of it, ladies who are strong, confident, and who care about way more than boys and fashion. I think girls need more such examples or, like 7th grade Patricia and the girl I tutor now, they’ll begin to hate their own gender, to scorn all things “girl” as stupid, frivolous, and petty. Being a girl is so not about that, 7th grade Patricia! Check back in the next few days for some awesome examples of why.

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June Book List

July 1st, 2011 by pladd

The Best Book I Read This Month


Poplorica: A Popular History of the Fads, Mavericks, Inventions, and Lore that Shaped Modern America by Martin J. Smith
My favorite non-fiction books are often ones that follow the history of something really random, like marriage customs or friendship or hats. This book was my favorite of this month because each chapter was a little mini-historical expose on something small but interesting! There were chapters on diapers, front lawns, dieting, product placement, and, my personal favorite, TV dinners. Did you know the first grocery store to buy TV dinners from the manufacturer did so, not because he was sure about this newfangled convenience food thing, but because he knew women would like to use the empty trays for storing buttons? This book was full of random, fun facts like that, and because each chapter had a different subject there was no time to get bored. A really great book to just read little snippets of when you have time, which was perfect for me this month!

The Worst Book I Read This Month

Okay, this one is a total tie. On the one hand, I think one is actually a lot worse, but at least it was bad in a way I enjoyed reading. That would be:

Daughter of the Blood by Anne Bishop
You probably don’t remember like a million years ago when I noted here that Anna Baron had tipped me one trashy romance novel for doing some last minute revisions to the one act I wrote that year. What I didn’t mention is that it is in fact THREE terrible erotic fantasy novels in one book. That’s 1200 pages of multiple attempted rapes and ridiculous genital jewelry. I have as yet failed in any attempts to read it until James Fox basically forced me to this month. I’m done with the first book and I’ve got to say: it’s so bad it’s pretty hilarious. I’m not even talking about the ridiculous plotting or the way the author claims it’s a matriarchal society but the men still seem to have all the power. I’m talking about the writing and how these people are described, because it is ridic. Every other character has “a voice filled with deep caverns and soft thunder” or “eyes filled with the summer breeze and lightning”. Plus, all of the supposedly attractive love interests have “glittering golden eyes” which can turn to “a hard yellow” when they’re angry. Gold or yellow, doesn’t matter, Anne Bishop: both are creepy and weird. In this first book the main character Mary Sue heroine is 12, which makes absolutely everyone being attracted to her that much creepier. Luckily the main love scene takes place in some kind of mental dreamscape where she is not only an adult, but also a feral unicorn maiden. So, you know, totally not sketchy.

So that book is terrible. But terrible in a way that’s hilarious and I actually enjoy, like Titanic II. This book however:

Twenty Times a Lady by Karyn Bosnak
The main character reads a magazine article about how the average woman has slept with 10 guys, and freaks out because she has slept with 20! Oh no, she’s a total ho! The only thing to do, to avoid going over the limit, is to make it work with one of those 20. So, since she’s just been laid off anyway, she goes on a ridiculous road trip across the country to “casually bump into them”. Of course, her OTL is really her cute Irish next door neighbor who totally helps her out even though she is clearly neurotic (who buys a DOG on a road trip?). If this plot sounds familiar, it’s because they’re turning it into a movie called What’s Your Number?. As bad as that trailer looks, I assure you the movie will still be 34 times better than this book. The book’s main character is stupid, bigoted, and selfish, haphazardly careening through her own life and totally unable to understand those around her. Not that I do either since most of them are ALL ABOUT her, despite her having no redeeming qualities whatsoever. This book actually made me feel insulted pretty much every minute I was reading it. Why do they think this character will appeal to women? “Oh, yes, instead of looking for a new job, I too have blown all of my severance pay to go on an unplanned roadtrip across the country just to check that all the jerks I used to date are still jerks because I’ve set some arbitrary limit for myself. After reading Cosmo.” That’s TOTALLY how women are, you guys. All the while her mother is pressuring her to find a man “because otherwise it means you’re a lesbian”–don’t even get me started on that–with the time limit of her younger sister’s wedding. A younger sister getting married before the older one? Horrors! Here is what I learned about my gender from this book:
1) Men are the single most important things in the entire universe to us. If we lack their approval, we are nothing.
2) Cosmo is the most respected source of information. Not our family and friends, not our own common sense. Cosmo.
3) Who cares about practical concerns? All we care about are our feelings! Our tumultuous, impossible to verbalize feelings!
4) When we tell other women that we’re not jealous or angry, what we really mean is that we are seething with subconscious rage.
5) So a guy cheats on you and makes you unhappy? So what! At least you have a man, without which you will never be complete as a person. So you’d better just stick with him anyway
6) A cool mom is a mom who’s okay with a interracial dating. But not homosexuality?
7) Being mistaken for a lesbian is the gravest insult society can throw at you. And it will happen if you’re not attached to a man at all times, so watch out.
So, yeah, this book, though more main stream than Planet Magic Jewel Dragon Girl, really pissed me off.
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First Sentence Test

June 29th, 2011 by pladd

My friend Brian (the weather witch) recently wrote a blog post about judging a book by its first sentence. This concept intrigued me because it’s not really something I notice. My strategy for deciding if I will like a book or not usually involves reading until I get bored and then deciding if I’m far enough along to warrant finishing anyway. A lot of times I’ll end up slogging through despite boredom (although I do have a separate shelf on my GoodReads account for books I started but couldn’t finish). Most of the time I feel honor bound to finish a book, since so much of what I read is chosen to increase my librarian abilities, not satisfy personal taste. I mean, clearly.

But maybe there IS a kind of first sentence that really draws me in, at least subconsciously, so I decided to look at the first sentences of every book I’ve ever considered my favorite. It turns out, a lot of them started in medias res, or at least just jumping right on into some action without any annoying framing or scene setting. Let me hit you with some examples:

“This time there would be no witnesses.”
Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams

I know, if one of your favorite books is by Douglas Adams, it almost has to be Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and believe me, I am ALL ABOUT manic depressive robots having conversations with sentient mattresses, but Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency has always been closer to my heart. I used to think it was because it combined my love of “Rime of the Ancient Mariner”, time travel, and vindictive horoscope writers, but now I’m thinking maybe it’s all in the first sentence. Hitchhiker’s, after all, begins with some scene setting. Some massively general scene setting:

“Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.”
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

I’m not saying it’s bad, but it doesn’t draw me in as immediately. With the former I immediately want to know 1) what are you doing that you don’t want anyone to see? and 2) what happened LAST time? With the latter I just kind of nod and say “Yep”. Here’s an even more dramatic example:

“So this was how it ended.”
Devilish by Maureen Johnson

How WHAT ended? I thought this book was about teen girls and cupcakes! Although, in retrospect, the title should have clued me in that this book is more serious business. Still:

The Face of the Devil

“There was no doubt about it: there was a fox behind the climbing frame.”
Un Lun Dun by China Mieville

This sentence kind of makes me feel like I’ve just come in at the tail end of an argument that goes “That’s totally a fox, you guys!!!” “No, it can’t be!” “It SO is! Look! Look!” Also, I’m not sure what a climbing frame is, so, again, SUSPENSE until I figure it out. I even used this tactic in my own book, although granted not as dramatically as Adams or Johnson:

“Etheos grumbled something inaudible to himself, but ate the muffin anyway.”
The Knight, the Wizard, and the Lady Pig by Patricia Ladd

I mean, what could possibly be so wrong with a muffin, Etheos? Unless it’s gross or something, and then why are you eating it? Is someone forcing you? Why is your name Etheos? How do you say that, anyway? SO MANY QUESTIONS. Or maybe I just have an affinity for baked goods, whatever.
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The World of Coke

June 24th, 2011 by pladd

Last weekend Steven and I went to a wedding in Atlanta! The wedding was great, but probably Steven’s favorite part was getting to go to The World of Coca-Cola before driving home. For him, I’m pretty sure this was akin to a religious pilgrimage.

Oh great and powerful Coke, at last I have returned to your holy bosom!

Even though I kind of felt like I was walking through a giant commercial, some of the olde timey Coke memorabilia was pretty cool, as was the bottling process. And, of course, the Coke tasting room was mad fun! My favorite was definitely Melon Fanta from Japan. Or Peach Spirte from the Freestyle Machine. Least favorite: Beverly from Italy. Wikipedia is right, it totally tastes like battery acid.

Oh, also, there was this guy:

Pretty sure the Coke employee made this blurry on purpose so I'd have to buy the professional ones. Screw that!


Like any time I encounter someone in a big character suit (and, being from Florida, I’ve encountered my fair share) I can’t help but imagine the person inside and how much they must hate their life. Can’t really see, probably smells bad, you know it’s super hot. But I decided not to insult Steven’s religious beliefs by making a big deal out of it. Plus, now I have my picture with a polar bear!!!

Coke machine from the space station!

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