Sam Neill Update: Ruthless Businessman, Ex-Prison Guard, Sad Husband

April 6th, 2012 by pladd

According to my spreadsheet, I’m about 75% done with this project!!! That’s assuming no new titles become available on Netflix before the end. I might end up cheating and watching some things on Amazon Instant.

Stiff (2004 TV movie)
Not to be confused with the 2010 film of the same name about necrophilia that apparently was so bad it brought one imdb reviewer to tears.

None of these people are remotely related to law enforcement. Clears they are the best choice for solving this murder mystery!

The Movie: This movie is based on the first in a series of mystery/thriller novels about rising Australian politician Murray Whelan, who keeps solving murders, despite his actual job being something like the Australian version of a congressional aide. This time it’s the mysterious death of a worker at a meat packing plant, which leads to a Turkish conspiracy and multiple attempts on Murray’s life. He eventually solves the murder, accidentally (on purpose?) kills the murderer, and warns the ruthless meat-packing businessman who was in on it that… he totally knows what’s been going down and to watch his back. Also, Murray flirts with the pretty Turkish girl on the cover, fights with his ex-wife, and bemusedly endangers his son for a bit of comic relief.

Your standard grumpy Sam Neill face

The Character: Sam Neill plays the rich businessman who owns the meat-packing plant and is at least turning a blind eye to the Turkish conspiracy and murder going down (if not ordering it? I kind of zoned out during this part). He’s in maybe three scenes, during which he predictably tries to offer bribes and then denies everything. Maybe it’s just because I’ve seen 75% of all Sam Neill movies, but I kind of felt like he wasn’t really trying. “Stereotypical amoral businessman–I could play this in my sleep,” he probably said to his agent. Which is too bad, because the show was totally stolen by this man:

G'day, you've reached a long Australian TV movie, hilarious minor character speaking.

This guy is super angry that a local tattoo parlor made his heart tattoo say “Gaol” instead of “Gail” and is not leaving this office until their licence is revoked! In consequence, he starts answering Murray’s phone for him, taking messages, fixing the office lights, and signing goodbye cards for retiring secretaries.

What I Learned: Australian police clears have their priorities. The only time they show up ever at all (including when Murray’s brakes are cut and his car goes careening into a river) is when the bad guys attempt to plant drugs in his house.

Should you watch this?: It was kind of slow for a mystery, and didn’t really have many clues you could watch for so that you could solve it yourself. But Murray was a funny main character, so I would say maybe, if you’re on a long plane journey or something.

Alcatraz (2012 TV series)
I cheated, since this movie isn’t on Netflix. I was at my parents house and they had an episode of it on their DVR. I guess they started watching it because “Hey, Sam Neill!”, which, we’ve established, is a totally legit reason to do anything.

Look at you, all nearly the center of attention in this promo!!

The Show: Everyone keeps comparing this to Lost, so I was not expecting to understand anything from just watching a single episode. Basically, in 1963 everyone disappeared off of Alcatraz! Where did they go?? Why?? It turns out the answers are The Future and Conspiracy/Science Experiment! Or something. Now it’s the present and a detective team is trying to catch the time traveling criminals and also discover what is the deal. The main character’s grandfather is one of them (he stabs her like woah in the episode I saw!). Everyone’s after these keys to a mysterious underground room with cute olde-timey science equipment inside! What’s really going on? Like Lost, I actually don’t care very much.

You'd think a creepy prison island would be more compelling, I don't know

The Character: Sam Neill is Emerson Hauser, some kind of high up government official in charge of dealing with this issue. He was also once an Alcatraz guard back in the day! His female doctor OTL disappeared too along with the prisoners and then recently came back, which is apparently why he is so gruff and acts like a jerk all the time. How do you deal with what is suddenly a 50 year age difference? Also, it’s weird to hear him in an American accent.

But look!! He got his own desktop wallpaper on the Fox site!! Exciting!!

What I Learned: Not even the government’s best technologies or explosive can get through a door with three keys from pre-1960s.

Should you watch this?: Maybe if you started from the beginning you would care more, or if you like the “this is a deep mystery/we are actually just making this up as we go” style of TV.

Yes (2004)
This movie was pretty weird, but maybe kind of good? It definitely wasn’t what I was expecting.

I was judging by the cover, can you blame me?

The Movie: You guys. You guys. You guys. This movie was nuts, and here is why. First up, Moaning. Freaking. Myrtle.

First scene in the movie is her monologuing to the camera. Same ghost girl voice and everything.

I recognized her by her voice instantly. But it wasn’t until the next scene that I was sure:

Girl knows her way around a toilet.

Needless to say, having Moaning Myrtle narrate your film is the BEST possible choice for both weirding me out and making me pay attention. Plus, this entire movie was in iambic pentameter!!! Sometimes rhyming!!! Which just added new levels of eeriness. Here’s the deal (Moaning Myrtle aside). Characters only called “She” and “He” start a torrid affair because “She” is unhappy with her husband Anthony.

He could be saying anything, but in iambic pentameter it sounds all Shakespearean and seductive

Then there’s some angst about her failed marriage, and He returns to Beirut because everyone in England is racially prejudice. Then Her aunt dies while telling her to go to Cuba because Fidel Castro is awesome, and He follows her eventually. Happily Ever After?

Sam Neill, why are you always playing either crazy people or cuckolds?

The Character: Sam Neill is Anthony, Her husband. He seems more upset than She is about their marriage breaking up, but refuses to “make a scene”. Also, Moaning Myrtle and She both accuse him of cheating on her first so maybe he deserves it. Unfortunately, he deals with his grief by confiding in his young goddaughter and dancing sadly while reading business papers, not cutting off her fingers.

Choppy McAxeFace, where are you now?

What I Learned: Shirley Henderson will never be able to be in another movie without me shouting “MOANING MYRTLE” and being equal parts excited and freaked out. Sorry, Shirley.

Should you watch this?: Yes. Maybe. It’s so weird and kind of awesome that it’s in iambic pentameter. I guess because the only other movies that do that are adaptions of Shakespeare plays. It’s strange and great to find something so modern doing that. I think I’d watch it just for that (and Moaning Myrtle), not so much the kind of slow plot.

Previously: Rebel, Soldier, Godfather
Next: Creepster Edition

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Posted in Sam Neill Marathon |

Goddess Girls: Athena the Wise

April 3rd, 2012 by pladd

This is the last Goddess Girls review for awhile! Still waiting for Book 7, Artemis the Loyal, at the library! And Book 8, Medusa the Mean comes out today!! I’m pretty excited to read something from Medusa’s point of view!

I don't know why Athena let Heracles be front and center on her own cover

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
Athena’s dad Zeus tells her to “help out” Mt. Olympus Academy’s newest student, a determined mortal named Heracles! Hercules must complete 12 Labors set by his lame cousin Eurystheus within one week to earn his place at MOA! Since Eurystheus is such a tool, the labors mostly involve catching or killing giant beasts, and Athena has her work cut out for her convincing Heracles to use his brains as well as his strength. Plus, since they’ve been spending so much time together, rumors are flying around school that they are in like with each other!!! How embarrassing! But could it be true?? Also, snotty mortal weaver Arachne challenges Athena to a weaving contest, and then weaves an insulting tapestry about Athena’s fly mom. So, pissed, Athena turns her into a spider as per her Revenge-ology textbook’s suggestion of “things to turn mortals into”.

Or, you know, just stab her face, whatever

Faithfulness to Original Mythos
By Steven
I admit, this one threw me for a bit of a loop; much as I love ragging on the mangled mythologies in these books, this one did a better than usual job of staying on target. So long as we overlook the bits made entirely out of whole cloth (Athena joining Hercules for half his tasks on Zeus’ assignment, Athena’s crush on Hercules and its attendant middle school drama, etc.), the only major departures from the original are those of omission. Hera is strikingly absent for a work about Hercules, and his parentage is (as usual for these books) tactfully not mentioned, but the Twelve Labors get a pretty decent coverage, albeit with slightly more interference from Athena than in the original. The tasks (not to mention Eurystheus) are rendered fairly bloodless, but this is a tween-age novel, so that’s to be expected. The only significant departure is actually not about Hercules at all, but rather regards Athena and Arachne; Arachne’s hubris is depicted fairly enough as is the spirit of her spiteful weaving (according to the Ovidian version, anyway), but the contents of both girls’ tapestries are rewritten extensively from the original. In Arachne’s case that makes sense for the book’s audience (her original is pretty much the laundry list of philandering shape-shifting gods shown in flagrante delicto), but Athena’s is changed from the original series of cautionary tales about contests between mortals and gods (and their inevitable outcomes) to Hercules’ labors, apparently as a later plot point. At least they kept the temple of the Twelve Olympians intact as the main piece. In summary, though, it’s pretty true to the story. Grab a copy of Ovid or Hesiod if you don’t believe me.

Steven read two actual books to write the above paragraph! This is why he's the expert

Tween Girl Life Lessons
By Patricia
1) Even if things seem impossible at first, there’s usually a tricky, riddle-like solution if you just use your brain.
2) Boys are strong, but kind of dumb.
3) Even if you like-like a boy, he should never try to kiss you under false pretenses.
4) In middle school, talking to a boy is a sign of betrothal.

Strong, but dumb

Steven’s Favorites!
Character: Tie between the Erymanthian Boar (or is that bore?) and Eurystheus, the cowardly king
Part: Zeus and his Cosmo-esque Temple Digest magazine. “Corinthian, Ionic, or Doric? What your choice of columns says about you!”
Thing I Learned: Little known fact; Revenge-ology is an exact science. Not sure about the proper response? Consult your text-scroll for handy tables!

Patricia’s Favorites!!
Character: Zeus. He only drinks “Zeus Juice”, which I think is code for ouzo, and sends Heracles on this ridic quest all to have something stylish to depict on his new temple’s walls.
Part: Athena defeats the hydra by confusing it with math!
Thing I Learned: The gods should sometimes show mercy to stupid mortals… j/k always turn them into animals lol!

Previously: Persephone the Phony

Or read them in order:
Book 1, Book 2, Book 3, Book 4, Book 5, Book 6

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Posted in Book Reviews |

St. Patrick’s Day Servery Challenge!

March 27th, 2012 by pladd

I’ve decided I really need a Servery Challenge banner to go right here on all of my servery challenge posts. I’m not sure what it would look like, but if you have any ideas you should tell me!

Anyway, last week we had yet another grueling competition of creativity and stamina, taking us to the very limit of our taste buds’ endurance. That’s right, it was St. Patrick’s Day servery challenge! As always, competitors had 10 minutes to create some kind of vaguely-edible concoction, and points were given based on taste, presentation, how much we liked the competitor, and how annoying they may have been about winning. Rob claimed the main goal was to “embody the spirit of Ireland”. If that was true, I feel we all owe Ireland sincere apologies.

The Entries

The Pot of Gold by Steven


The Pot of Gold by Steven
Ingredients: Bailey’s Irish cream, Bushmill’s Honey Whiskey, Goldschlager, with a potato chip garnish

This one tasted weird. Mostly like cinnamon, but also kind of milky? And a little bit like glue. Also, unlike everyone else, I wanted the full experience so I actually tried it with the potato chip rim, which added a whole new greasy/salty layer to what was already a strange experience. Steven later claimed that the potatoes were for Irish spirit and actually “to be avoided”. I think he was going for a layered drink, but it didn’t work out that way. The creaminess of the Bailey’s kind of mixed uncomfortably with the Goldschlager, which, to me at least, looked uncomfortably like Thomas’ unholy concoction “The Rob” from Chocovine Espresso Challenge ’11. Like an open sore or vomit. Speaking of vomit…

The Morning After by Rob


The Morning After by Rob
Ingredients: Strawberries, pickle juice, tequila, green food coloring, sprinkles

This drink will definitely go down in servery challenge history, but I’m not sure as what. An abomination in the eyes of God and man? Probably that. Here’s a making of shot:

Camera error, or sign of possession?

Yeah, look at that blender full of hell! Rob claims that drinking pickle juice after your shot of tequila is a hip new thing to do, but why he also chose to mix that with strawberries, I will never know. What does this say about your beloved Ireland, Rob??

Irish Breakfast by Patricia


Irish Breakfast by Patricia
Ingredients: Godiva White Chocolate, Cream, Lucky Charms Marshmallows, Green sugar around the rim

It turns out, marshmallows–well, “marshmallows”, I’m not sure how real they are–don’t taste very good when mixed with white chocolate liqueur. I was going to cut it a little bit with milk, but then we didn’t have milk so I had to use cream. I don’t know what went wrong. I still think this drink has the best concept (Lucky charms!!!) but potentially not the greatest taste. However, I urge you to go back and look at the pictures of my competition! Clearly mine wasn’t that bad.

Happy Ending by Megan


Ingredients: Cupcakes, frosting, sprinkles

How did Megan make cupcakes inside of ten minutes? Alas, she didn’t, violating servery challenge law. She brought the cupcakes with her and used the allotted time to sprinkle them. Is this any different than the pre-bought baked goods that both Steven and eventual winner Alana utilized during Blue Raspberry Servery Challenge? Judges couldn’t decide. It was agreed that Megan’s was definitely the tastiest, but we never could decide if she’d broken the rules.

In part because of this rule confusion, it’s still kind of unclear who won the servery challenge. Some say it was Steven, or Megan, or possibly “everyone”, although I don’t think I want to live in a world where Rob’s drink has won anything. A lot of this confusion is due to our inability to accurately interpret the rulings of our Celebrity Guest Judge and official tie breaker, Macy:

It's hard to judge a culinary competition when you're not allowed to have Human Food

Past Servery Challenges You Might Enjoy:
Chocovine
Raspberry Chocovine
Espresso Chocovine
Blue Raspberry
Sushi
Self-Portrait Cupcakes
Self-Portrait Cookie

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Posted in Servery Challenges |

Servery Challenge: Blue Raspberry Edition

March 23rd, 2012 by pladd

I am so behind on my Servery challenge recaps I actually have TWO to tell you about! Stay tuned for St. Patrick’s Day Challenge later!

So Blue Raspberry Servery Challenge began when I gave Rob a bottle of blue raspberry flavored syrup for his birthday! It was technically for flavoring snow cones but I figured he could use it to flavor all his food since it’s his favorite flavor. Somehow this turned into a servery challenge!

As usual, I had such a great plan that I finished first! Everyone else was clearly trying too hard:

Our kitchen is maybe not the best set up for such things

Steven even did some actual cooking!

Like with the stove and everything!

The Entries
Unfortunately, it’s been about a month since this challenge, so I’ve actually forgotten the amazing names that everyone made up. So I’ve tried to approximate them.

The Smurfelberry by James Fox

The Smurfelberry


Ingredients I remember: Rum, margarita mix, blue raspberry syrup, ice, lime to garnish, blue sugar on the rim

This one actually tasted pretty good, especially if you like things that taste kind of fake. James is also maybe the only one who added more than the minimum required amount of blue raspberry syrup!

The Slut by Rob

The Slut


Ingredients I remember: Apples, mozzarella cheese, canned peaches, blue raspberry syrup

The Slut wasn’t as bad as it looked, especially if you got a bite with some cheese on it. Some people claimed they would even like to eat a little more of it, except that Rob decided to mix it with mine after the judging, making that impossible. Here’s why:

Blue Spudsberry by Patricia

Blue Spudsberry


Ingredients: Instant Mashed Potatoes, Blue Raspberry Syrup, Water

The beauty of this recipe is its simplicity. I just substituted the blue raspberry syrup for most of the water you’re supposed to mix into the fake mashed potato powder. They don’t have any “plain” instant mashed potato flavors so it also had a buttery taste. Delicious! It actually tasted mostly like mashed potatoes with an after taste of delicious fake raspberry.

Gangrenous Cake by Alana

Gangrenous Cake


Ingredients: Angel food cake, raspberries, blue raspberry syrup, lemon pudding, ???

Like most servery challenge novices, Alana blew most of us out of the water by actually trying. She topped her angel food cake with a kind of pudding sauce that tasted more lemony than blue raspberry, and some actual raspberries! It was delicious.

The Trying Too Hard by Steven

Trying too hard

Here’s a close up:

Steven loves presentation, of course


Ingredients: Key lime pie, blue raspberry sauce, sugar, water, whatever else you put in a “reduction sauce”

Steven’s was essentially key lime pie he bought at Food Lion with a blue raspberry kind of sauce. Of course it tasted good–who doesn’t like key lime pie?

The Voting
I forget who voted for what. Sorry. But Alana won!

WINNER!

Previously: Espresso Chocovine Challenge
Next: St. Patrick’s Day Challenge!!

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Posted in Servery Challenges |

Give up on me, Rice Annual Fund

March 21st, 2012 by pladd

This morning I got an email from the Rice Annual Fund! But, instead of their usual impersonal propaganda, it was actually from a real student! How inspiring! Obviously I immediately donated a large sum to help Wiess win some monetary prize that my shiftless brother will get to enjoy!

Oh, j/k, I am currently contemplating cutting my own hair out of poorness, so I will just be writing lengthy, oddly impassioned replies instead. Sorry, Erika, I know this isn’t what they pay you for.

I've seen things, Erika

Click on the image to enlarge.

Steven later pointed out to me that I apparently don’t even know what year I graduated. Unsurprising, given that earlier this week it took me three tries to correctly tell someone how old I am. Hopefully Erika recognizes this as a further symptom of Wiess cabinet-induced trauma.

Give up on me, Rice Annual Fund! For I have no money but too much time.

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Posted in Uncategorized |

Goddess Girls: Persephone the Phony

March 20th, 2012 by pladd

Book 2 of the Goddess Girls series! This time we finally get to hear from quiet, nature-loving Persephone. The Fluttershy of Goddess Girls, if you will.

I would've gone with Persephony, but whatever

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
Sometimes Persephone just wants a little peace and quiet, but finds herself following her mom’s advice “going along to get along” and not telling her friends what she really feels. Way to go, PersePHONY! Then she meets cute loner boy Hades and likes him because he calls her on her bullshit. But he’s from the underworld so both her mom and her friends tell her to STAY AWAY! Fed up with being told what to do, she decides to dramatically run away from home one night, using her goddess powers to disguise herself as an old lady and flee to Hades in the Underworld. He’s only worried about her safety and that her mom will think he kidnapped her (lol) so returns her home. After a heart to heart with her mom and her BFFs, Persephone and Hades attend the school dance together!

All a hilarious misunderstanding!

Faithfulness to Original Mythos
By Steven
Oh Persephone, you get such a bad rap in mythology *and* this book. However, while the book Persephone is meek, mild, and passive-aggressive in a way most of us will find very familiar, her mythological counterpart was anything but. Hades-as-emo-boy is also something of a stretch, though, since the original was much less emo and much more devious and aloof. Witness the downfall of Pirithous for a good example. Demeter as helicopter mom is pretty funny, and at least a little true, though this book gives it a slightly happier ending. Double points for including Hypnos and Thanatos in the underworld, though, and for avoiding the slippery slope of the Dantean Underworld that so many people fall into when trying to describe the Greco-Roman version. And points again for Hades’ subterranean (tunneling?) chariot. All in all, this one did a better job than most of putting in the details with less inventive fluff. Kudos!

A slippery slope

Tween Girl Life Lessons
By Patricia
1) If your parents and your friends disapprove of your boyfriend, that makes him EVEN BETTER because clears you are starcrossed lovers!!
2) Running away from home and other desperate bids for attention always work.
3) Cemeteries are the hipster hangout of the pantheon (or maybe Olympian make out point?)

Steven’s Favorites!
Character: The shades in Tartarus. “And anyway, even if I did take the food and money, I needed it more than those orphans!”
Part: Persephone’s attempt to sneak back home after running away to the Underworld. Breadstyx and nectar water for comfort food!
Thing I Learned: Apparently, in ancient Greece, they were called “chariot moms.”

Chariot moms just need to learn to give their daughters a little space

Patricia’s Favorites!!
Character: Hades. I am all about his portrayal as a sad, misunderstood emo kid.
Part: Ares taunts Hades by calling him “Death Boy”, which would be a pretty good name for a band.
Thing I Learned: Charon is surprisingly easily fooled for a guardian of the land of the dead

Previously: Athena the Brain
Next:: Athena the Wise

Or, if you want to read them in book order Book 1, Book 2, Book 3, Book 4, Book 5, Book 6

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Posted in Book Reviews |

True History of William Marsh Rice Campaign

March 19th, 2012 by pladd

I’ve finally integrated the many snippets of research the True History of WMR Campaign has been putting together over the years into one, easily readable document. Anytime we here at the Campaign come across more WMR legends, facts, or sources, we’ll be updating there! Exciting!

For instance, here’s Robert the Bruce and WMR during their most recent battle over the title of World’s Most Powerful Cyborg:

Rough draft of a graphic novelization of the life of WMR drawn and written by James Fox

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Posted in Uncategorized |

Better post this quick; only four minutes left!

March 18th, 2012 by pladd

Did you know my blog is 3 years old today?? IT IS!

Now I’m all nostalgic for making fun of Wiess cabinet members. Clearly I need to call Jeremy Caves and demand he give me a lecture about the best way to use a shower timer or something.

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Posted in Uncategorized |

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