Archive for the ‘Sam Neill Marathon’ Category

Sam Neill Update: Losing My Mind Edition

I’ve noticed that Sam Neill loves playing crazy people (Event Horizon, In the Mouth of Madness, arguably Merlin 2 because why would you ever agree to Merlin 2?). Unfortunately, I did not group these movies thematically before viewing, so this Sam Neill update only has one movie where it’s actually Sam Neill’s sanity in question. Oh well.

Current project status: 91% complete!!! Right now, only 6 more to go! Assuming my spreadsheet is correct.

Dean Spanley (2008)

Peter O'Toole, Jeremy Northam, and Sam Neill just wanted to hang out without that pesky Henry VIII bothering them

The Movie: Peter O’Toole is Jeremy Northam’s aging father and their interactions are Edwardian and hilarious. Even though I don’t have a brother who was killed in the Boer War, I still can completely interpret every long-suffering look on Jeremy Northam’s face as his dad demands to eat the same meal every day, is affably rude to random acquaintances, and loudly snores during a public lecture. Through a series of coincidences, Northam discovers that local Dean Spanley will regress to his previous life as a dog while drinking some kind of super rare Hungarian liquor he likes.

Let's get smashed and talk about how fun it is to chase sheep and pee on things

And not just any dog, but PETER O’TOOLE’s childhood dog!!!! Who disappeared unexpectedly, crushing his young heart and making him incapable of responding to grief!!! But, after listening to Dean Spanley’s account of that day (spoiler alert: he was shot by a hunter? farmer? someone kind of grizzled, anyway), the aging father finally accepts his son’s death and shares a bonding hug with Jeremy Northam. Then gets a dog. Booyah.

Some fathers and sons bond over fishing, but whatever it takes, you guys

The Character: Sam Neill is Dean Spanley!!! Of course. His full name is W.A.G. Spanley, which is not at all a connection to his previous life as a spaniel named Wag. He’s actually quite serious and no-nonsense, even when talking from his past life dog point of view. There’s just something so bizarre and transfixing about seeing this kind of uptight guy saying things like “The Master didn’t understand how much I hated baths; there was nothing so shameful as meeting a friend and having no smell” like it is the most serious business in the world.

Nothing about this situation is funny at all

What I Learned: At any one time, there are only seven great dogs in the world.

You should watch this if: you like Peter O’Toole and his ridiculous faces

The Vow (2012)

Oh, Sam Neill, the sacrifices I make for you

The Movie: Rachel McAdams and Channing Tatum are quirky and in love and so forcibly adorable that you want to throw up in their hair. Then Rachel gets amnesia after a car accident, forgetting entirely about her relationship with Channing Tatum, and why she hasn’t seen her family in years. Channing attempts to be even more quirky and adorable to win his wife back, but after pressure from her family and resistance from her, he agrees to a divorce. Then Rachel discovers the reason she quit law school and left her family for the city and art school: her dad was having an affair with one of her friends! Also she likes art more than law. The film ends with McAdams back in the city and art school, asking Channing Tatum out for dinner. Nicholas Sparks, someone is horning in on your turf.

Sam Neill will always offer you a drink before trying to break up your marriage because he's a classy guy

The Character: Sam Neill is Rachel McAdams’ dad, who at first seems like a bad guy, trying to use the accident to break up the marriage he never liked and win back the daughter he betrayed without her knowing. Except it was kind of more his wife whom he betrayed? And she’s cool with it? Whatever, the point is, Rachel McAdams forgives him in the end, because she is such a big-hearted person, and he really just missed her and wanted what was best for her.

What I Learned: This movie was based on a true story!!!! I’m not sure how much of the law school/cheating Sam Neill backstory is true, but at the end they tell you that the real-life couple stayed married and have kids, and that she never regained her memory. Wikipedia says they credit “their faith in Jesus and their wedding vows before God” with keeping them together. So not chocolate and skinny dipping like in the movie, then.

You should watch this if you like: Nicholas Sparks

Children of the Revolution (1996)

I WISh everyone in this movie had a mustache

The Movie: So this Australian lady is obsessed with Joesph Stalin and writes him these passionate letters about how she just can’t get the revolution started in Australia. He invites her to the USSR to woe her, but ends up dying after they sleep together. Luckily everyone is pretty psyched, so she’s not in trouble, but she is pregnant. She marries some guy in the Australian communist party who like-likes her, and tries to raise the son, Joe, in the communist way. Joe falls in love with a Latvian policewoman whose grandparents were brutally murdered during Stalin’s purges, a fact that begins to torment her after Joe grows a mustache and starts taking control of the police force, looking and acting more and more like Stalin daily.

Yeah, I would not be that upset if I came home to find Sam Neill unexpectedly in my house, but I'm not a communist party leader so whatever

The Character: Sam Neill plays Joe’s possible father, a Russian/Australian/British/??? spy, who seems pretty unclear on whose side he’s on, just that he’s in love with Joan. He accompanies her to the USSR, either to kill her or to protect her, depending on whose orders he decides to take, and ends up having grief-sex with her right after Stalin’s death. Yes, that’s apparently a thing. He tries to do his best by Joe, believing he might be the father, but ends up attempting suicide after discovering he killed Joe’s wife’s Latvian grandparents on Stalin’s orders.

I don't know, somehow this movie is still billing itself as a comedy

What I Learned: People have apparently been arguing about the cause of Stalin’s death since it happened! In 2003, a joint group of Russian and American historians announced their view that he’d eaten warfarin, a powerful rat poison which predisposes the victim to strokes. Stalin was 74 and already suffering the ill-effects of his lifetime of heavy smoking.

You should watch this if: you enjoy fake documentaries; you want to see the lighter side of Stalin

I can’t believe I’m almost done with this project!!! I’m going to have to think of something dramatic to do to celebrate!

Previously: Prime Minister, Soviet Sub Captain, Master Criminal
Next: Thomas Jefferson, Tennis Dad, and a Somber Narrator

Sam Neill Update: Prime Minister, Soviet Sub Captain, Master Criminal

Sorry I couldn’t think of an overarching theme for this week. It was going to be “Sam Neill: Action Guy”, but I couldn’t really make this first one fit with that. And then I thought maybe “Sam Neill: Forgettable Minor Character” but he’s the main villain–well “villain”–in the last one, so that didn’t work either. Deal with it. Current status of this project: 86% complete, 105 hours.

Molokai: The Story of Father Damien (1999)

Sam Neill's head has no business being the second biggest on this cover

The Movie: This film is based on the true story of Father Damien, a priest who selflessly worked for 16 years in the leper colony on the Hawaiian island of Molokai, petitioning the government and church for funds, helping to build houses and plant crops, and eventually dying of leprosy himself.

Sorry I didn't get any pictures of leprosy for you

The colony is a pretty terrible place to be, especially when Damien first gets there. People are forcibly sent there, taken away from their families, and it’s underfunded and lawless, with the few strong less-sick people stealing all the rations. With Damien’s help, global awareness grows, and the government is eventually forced to send them things like beds and a doctor. I was surprised to read that people were being moved there as late as 1969, and some of them are still there. Also, in 2009 Father Damien was made a saint!

The Character: Sam Neill plays the prime minister Walter M. Gibson whose wikipedia page pretty much reads like a ridiculous adventure novel (gunrunning? excommunication? buying a newspaper to tell everyone how great he is? a Pacific empire?). Unfortunately, the version of him Sam Neill plays is much less exciting, mostly limiting himself to weaseling out of giving Father Damien anything, and insisting that leprosy is just a form of syphilis, so clearly those people deserve it for being skanks.

But, hey, sideburns

What I Learned: All about leprosy! Which we are now calling Hansen’s disease. Apparently sufferers stop being contagious after 2 weeks of treatment and about 95% of people are naturally immune.

You should watch this if: you aren’t planning on eating breakfast while watching, unlike me

The Hunt for Red October (1990)

You’ve probably already seen this one, right?

I bet this was a lot more exciting in 1990

The Movie: I know it’s weird that I’ve never seen this, but you know I’m not a huge fan of war movies. I also managed to somehow live 22 years without knowing the basic plot, so I was pretty curious at the outset if Sean Connery was going to be a bad guy or not and how one-dimensional evil the Soviets would be, since this was made during the Cold War. If, like me, you somehow don’t know this plot, let me fill you in. Sean Connery is a USSR submarine captain who, along with his officers, has decided to defect to the US with their super cool awesome new submarine, the Red October.

According to imdb, that hair piece cost $20,000

In the process, he has to keep the US from just firing on him, keep the Russians from sinking the ship so it doesn’t fall into US hands, and save the rest of his crew who don’t know anything about this secret plan. Luckily, the CIA has Alex Baldwin, who can basically read his mind.

Also, Tim Curry is his doctor?

I don’t really understand all of what happened (I admit to completely spacing out during the “dramatic” submarine maneuvers at the end), but after getting the rest of the crew to evacuate because of a fake radiation leak, Sean Connery tricks the pursuing USSR submarine into blowing itself up. Somehow? I don’t know, the point is, he totally makes it to America and the government doesn’t want you to know about it.

Sean Connery/Sam Neill??? I ship it

The Character: Sam Neill plays Captain Vasili Borodin, and he seems to be Sean Connery’s second in command. At one point, he asks Sean Connery if the Americans will “let him live in Montana”, and that his plan is to marry a “round American woman” and raise rabbits and winter in Arizona with a pick up truck and just drive around from state to state, because they let you do that. And I was like “Russian Accent Sam, I will be your round American woman any day.” I would maybe even learn to cook rabbits.

Oh, but you've got to give me that hat. Important part of this deal

Unfortunately, our dreams could never be, since he’s killed by a cook/saboteur right before the submarine version of a Western shoot out. He dies saying how sad he is to never get to see Montana.

What I Learned: Apparently the sonar guy in the US submarine can hear the men singing inside the Red October at one point?? I had no idea sonar was so precise.

You should watch this if you like: war movies; not knowing what’s going on

Framed (2002 TV movie)

Rob Lowe with a New York accent was the main character of this movie, which was super distracting

This cover pretty much says it all

The Movie: Rob Lowe is vacationing with his family in the Bahamas when he happens to run into Sam Neill, famed money launderer. So he catches him! Yay! Then Sam Neill turns state’s evidence, or whatever, to help them get some Russian mob boss, but is convinced that the New York state attorney is crooked and out to get him. Rob Lowe is tricked into helping him escape? Or maybe it was their plan all along? Something like that.

I'm mainly used to Rob Lowe from Parks and Rec, so it was shocking to see him eat a candy bar

A lot of the plot hinges on Rob Lowe’s attempts to get Sam Neill to give him a “secret zip disk” with lots of incriminating data on it. lulz 2002

The Character: Sam Neill is like amoral James Bond, basically.

Just chillin on my boat with my wife and girlfriend. What?

He teaches Rob Lowe’s character about cloth napkins and fancy cooking, and, to make sure he’s not wearing a wire/being tracked, forces him to change clothes into this fancy schmancy suit he bought him.

"Are you giving me fashion tips at gun point?" "Someone has to"

Eventually Sam Neill gets away to live on his boat in the Caribbean with the two beautiful ladies that are right for him, and Rob Lowe gets his precious zip disk. After turning down a handful of diamonds for some reason. Sometimes being the good cop sucks.

What I Learned: In Brooklyn, using cloth napkins is grounds for your wife cheating on you.

You should watch this if: you want to see Sam Neill being ridiculously nonchalant about how fancy he is.

Previously: Dad Edition
Next: Losing My Mind Edition

Sam Neill Update: Dad Edition

According to my spreadsheet, I’m about 82% done with this project! So far I have spent roughly 99 hours watching Sam Neill movies and TV. Which is insane. But I’ve been at this for more than 8 months now.

This week I watched three movies where Sam Neill is a father figure!! Dads might be tied with crazy people and mean businessmen for Sam Neill’s Most Acted Roles. And one of today’s characters might just be all three!

Daybreakers (2009)

Like the Matrix with vampires instead of machines

The Movie: Vampires are now the dominant species on the planet! Houses and cars have UV protection shields, everyone drinks blood in their coffee, and humans are captured and rounded up for use in blood farms. Except they’re running out of blood and as starvation sets in they begin to turn into creepy bat-monsters with none of the suave coolness we expect from our modern vampires. But don’t worry! Sam Neill’s company is on the case! His scientists are totally trying to find a blood substitute that doesn’t make the drinker… explode violently. Except then his most brilliant scientist/secret human sympathizer gets kidnapped by humans!

Doesn't matter how attractive you are; you'll always look stupid in fake vampire teeth

Also, his name’s Edward, but this was oddly never played for irony. At Secret Human Refugee Camp, Edward meets an ex-vampire hillbilly named Elvis, who somehow got turned human one day during a car accident that exposed him to the sun and then plunged him into a lake to stop the burning. Because that… makes sense…? Whatever, they pull the same stunt on Edward and he’s cured! Unfortunately, his vampire brother tracks him down and bites Elvis… and then he’s cured too? Apparently biting an ex-vampire is also a… because… WHATEVER TIME TO TAKE DOWN THE BIG BOSS. Ed basically tricks Sam Neill into biting him, thus curing him of his vampirism, and then leaves him tied up so that his sweet human blood will distract the guards, who then take part in a disturbing feeding/becoming human/getting eaten cycle of gore. The final shot is Elvis driving our heroes into the sunrise, setting off to cure the rest of vampire society.

And yet, the plot still makes more sense than any other movie about a vampire named Edward I can think of

Regardless of the questionable idea of a “vampire cure”, I still liked this movie. It was interesting to see a conception of what a vampire society would be like, and also a slightly different take on vampire mythology than I’ve seen before i.e. that they only become monster-like when deprived of human blood.

The Character: Sam Neill plays Charles Bromley, the vampire CEO of a company that supplies the vampire world with blood. Unlike other randomly ruthless businessmen he’s played, Charles actually has a sympathetic back story, in that he was about to die of cancer before becoming a vampire. Yay, more time to spend with his daughter! Except she thinks vampires are monsters and goes into hiding.

Whatever, Sam Neill is the CLASSIEST vampire

Sam Neill hires Edward’s brother to track her down and make her one of them, but then she goes crazy and willingly turns herself into a starved bat monster, and Sam Neill has no choice but to order her execution along with the others. So probably not getting anything great for Father’s Day this year.

What I Learned: Vampires are easy to spot because they have glow-in-the-dark yellow eyes.

You should watch this if you like: actually scary vampires; “science”

Bicentennial Man (1999)

171 excruciating minutes of Robin Williams

The Movie: Unlike a lot of the movies I’ve watched for this project, it’s possible you’ve seen this one. It’s based on an Asimov story and I remember it being kind of a big deal when it came out. Or at least, I remember people talking about it, which is more than I can say for most movies from this project. I don’t remember why I didn’t see it at the time, but my guess would be because it’s over two hours long but feels like five. Robin Williams is an android named Andrew acquired by Sam Neill for his family. His wife and older daughter are creeped out by it, but his younger daughter forms a nauseating attachment to it. Unlike other robots, Andrew can build and create because of some kind of mechanical anomaly. The robot eventually gains its freedom, travels the world to search for others of its kind, and comes back with a body upgrade to make it look like Robin Williams, because of course that’s what you would choose. Then it falls in love with Sam Neill’s great-granddaughter and petitions the world court for human rights, eventually installing its own mortality so that it and its marriage to a human woman can be considered real.

Yeah, Sam Neill died in the first third of this movie but I kept on watching. For you.

The Character: Sam Neill plays Richard Martin, the dad who originally purchases Andrew for his family. He’s the one most excited about the technology, and stands up for Andrew’s rights when the company tries to recall him and reprogram him to be a “normal” robot. He also decides to teach Andrew about life, but crankily refuses to let him buy his freedom, eventually banishing him from the house because of it, only to repent on his death bed. Still unclear on if he would sanction his descendant’s sketchy robot union.

Also he and his wife drink wine and play chess in the evening. Because they are enlightened future people.

I guess I just found it hard to suspend my disbelief. Like, if you are going to marry an aging robot, why one that looks like Robin Williams?

What I Learned: Robots are just as boring as people.

You should watch this if you like: long, drawn out stories about feelings

The Zookeeper (2001)

It's tough being a father figure to a kid with an AK-47 and a nicotine addiction

The Movie: Ludovic stays behind after everyone else evacuates the Eastern European city where he works as a zookeeper because someone has to look out for these animals! The soldiers are threatening and scary, and it’s possible that he and the animals both will starve to death or be killed in fiery explosions. Eventually a badass old-before-his-time street child and his mother seek refuge in the zoo, and Ludovic is gruff and annoyed, but tries to hide them from the soldiers. After a final night of heavy bombing during which most of the animals die, Ludovic finally agrees to leave the zoo and escape with the mother and son. Of course the mother is dramatically shot just when you think everyone is safe, but Ludovic, the boy, and a cute wolf puppy all make it to a UN camp.

Also, this happens, and suddenly EVERYTHING IS WORTH IT I LOVE YOU SAM

The Character: Sam Neill is Ludovic, who seems to have a lot of demons in his past. He really just wants to hide from the outside world inside the zoo, keeping to his quiet routine without being bothered. But the sad little boy with his chilling willingness to shoot a man for cigarettes eventually wins his pity, and he tries to help him realize that some things Aren’t His Fault, and it’s okay to cry or feel sad. Sam Neill’s Eastern European accent was a little weird, but I think that’s just because I’m so used to his regular one.

Also, at one point he bribes the mean soldier captain to go away with a baby lion

What I Learned: Sam Neill explains to his doomed veterinarian friend that even if a bottle seems empty, there’s always 13 drops left. Truly, hope springs eternal.

You should watch this if you like: grim war movies; children with PTSD, animals!!

Previously: Creepster Edition
Next: Prime Minister, Soviet Sub Captain, Master Criminal

Sam Neill Update: Creepster Edition

I love when the three Sam Neill movies I watch seem to share a theme through no planning of my own! Unfortunately, today’s theme is skeevy creepsters.

Ivanhoe (1984)

1980s Medieval England was the best Medieval England

The Movie: A film version of the Sir Walter Scott novel of the same name, Ivanhoe returns from the Crusades only to be gravely wounded in a tournament which he still wins. His dad, a staunch Saxon lord, wants nothing to do with him because he’s a supporter of Norman King Richard, and so it falls to Isaac and Rebecca, the Jewish father-daughter team, to attend his wounds while his OTL Lady Rowena looks on. Then everyone goes on a field trip to York, but are captured along the way by Prince John’s jerky knights. One of them wants to marry Rowena, another seems to have a thing for Rebecca, and no one realizes the “injured old woman” is secretly Ivanhoe!

Also, one of them is John Rhys-Davies, seen here being pulled into a homoerotic bath

Luckily Robin Hood and King Richard in disguise rally the local peasants and storm the castle! Everyone lives happily ever after, except Rebecca who gets kidnapped by Brian de Bois-Guilbert, who’s totally a Templar, but still thinks he can run away with her to his chapter house without anyone minding. As an order not known for being all about women, they, of course, are not pleased, and immediately accuse her of Jewish witchcraft! Brian is forced to fight in trial by combat against her champion, Ivanhoe, who’s finally decided to do something besides lie around moaning. Of course, Ivanhoe wins, Brian dies, and everyone lives happily ever after. Oh, except Rebecca, who is clears in love with Ivanhoe, but can’t marry him because she’s not blonde enough. The narrator even tells us at the end that, though Ivanhoe married Rowena, he often thought of Rebecca.

Also, here's Isaac's hat. I thought you'd want to see it.

The Character: Since this is the creepster edition, you can probably guess already that Sam Neill is Brain de Bois-Guilbert, the Templar knight who is all about kidnapping Rebecca. He threatens to rape her at first, but then apologizes at the end of the conversation claiming he’s “not normally like this”.

Sexual assault is maybe not the best ice breaker

When the castle gets stormed, he escapes with her oddly easily, and seems genuinely upset when his fellow Templars put her on trial and threaten to burn her. He suggests they run away and get married in some distant land where he will “treat her like a princess”, but she refuses because he’s creepy and also not Jewish. Then he wants to fight as her champion but the other Templars forbid it. Unlike in the book (I think?), in this movie he’s allowed to redeem himself during his final battle with Ivanhoe. Ivanhoe is still pretty wounded and losing pathetically, until Sam Neill just opens his arms and lets him stab him in the chest.

While the Canadian KKK looked on

I like this version because it takes Ivanhoe’s one heroic act in the story, besides showing Isaac a shortcut through the woods in the beginning, and turns it into a Sam Neill heroic act instead. Go back to your bland WASPy lady, Ivanhoe. Snarky Robin Hood provides the best commentary for this scene:

"....... the F?"

What I Learned: Apparently this book created a lot of the elements of the typical Robin Hood legends we know today!

You should watch this if you like: Medieval period pieces where everyone has 80s hair

Doctor Zhivago (2002 TV movie)

Full disclosure: I did not get through this ridiculously long drama. I watched maybe four and a half hours over a two day period before giving up in despair. Russian literature often overwhelms me for being just too bleak and filled with crushing lack of character agency, so I guess that’s not really a surprise.

For some reason the cover flaunts "6 HOURS!" like it's a good thing

The Movie: Yuri’s dad jumps out of a moving train because he’s so in debt so Yuri is sent to live with his… relatives? At least I think they are until Yuri grows up and totes marries the daughter he was raised beside like a sibling, so maybe they are just creepy family friends? Anyway, Yuri trains to become a doctor and one night is called to assist a woman who has poisoned herself because her lover is not-so-secretly in love with her teenage daughter, Keira Knightley. Yuri naturally falls in love with Keira Knightley, but knows their love can never be because he also sees her being creepily hit on by the much older Viktor. Later he meets her again when he’s a WWI doctor and she’s a nurse, and they have a sort of weird not-quite love affair, before he goes home to find communists have taken over his house. He gets in trouble at his new job at the hospital for saying that there’s a Yellow Fever epidemic, even though there totally is, and his family decides to move to the less dangerous Ural Mountains where his wife’s family has an old shack. Conveniently, near the same town Keira Knightley is now living in! On the way, they befriend a doomed urchin boy and meet Keira Knightley’s ex-husband, who has become an embittered, emotionless communist after discovering his wife’s creepy affair/feelings for Viktor. Everyone looks miserable and the movie beats you over the head with how cruel the world is and how powerless all the characters are. I really tried to continue, but the combination of the bleak historical accuracy, Keira Knightley’s pinchy lips, and Sam Neill’s disappearance after the first 2 hours broke my spirit. I can only assume the hour and a half I didn’t get to contain more of the same. Maybe Sam Neill comes back at some point.

Another common theme of today is ridic hats, apparently

The Character: Sam Neil is Viktor Komarovsky, Keira Knightley’s mom’s lover and also the guy whom Yuri’s dad owed all that money to, leading to his suicide! Russia’s a small world.

We meet again, Mustache Sam

Viktor is a sketchball who somehow convinces Keira Knightley’s delusional mother that he just wants to buy Keira a fancy dress and take her out alone because it’s her birthday. Every time Keira Knightley tells him she doesn’t want to see him anymore, he tells her she doesn’t know what she wants and that “we are the same”. She eventually marries Pasha to get away from him, but when she tells Pasha about her experience and he’s like “Well… you didn’t have a choice”, she starts weirdly defending him, “It wasn’t like that, you don’t understand.”

Stockholm Syndrome much?

Keira Knightley also once tells Mustache Sam that he’ll be the first one up against the wall when the communist revolution comes, but he just laughs at her and says the new regime will also find him rich, powerful, and useful, which, according to a brief skim of Wikipedia about the ending of the book, is pretty much accurate. Sorry, Sam Neill. I wish I could have held on long enough to see your return to this ridiculously long movie, but there are some things even my oddly intense devotion to this blog project won’t justify. You understand, right? I’m pretty sure even you have never sat through more than the first half of Merlin’s Apprentice.

What I Learned: Apparently you can just learn nursing “as you go along”; Bolsheviks hated poetry

You should watch this if you like: really really really really really really long historical Russian melodramas; the fundamental powerlessness of humanity

Reilly: Ace of Spies (1983 TV miniseries)

And you’re going to think the theme of this post is also “slacking” because I only watched the first episode of this show. Whatever, you guys, there are like 12 of them, and if I am going to watch the complete run of any Sam Neill TV show, we all know I’m starting with “Hot Guys Without Shirts“.

Oh, Sam Neill! You know how proud I am whenever you make it onto the cover of anything

The Movie: Sidney Reilly was the real life person whom James Bond is based on! A lot of his life is “shrouded in legend” because he was “a master of deception”. I’m serious, sometimes Wikipedia just can’t help itself. In this first episode (titled “An Affair with a Married Woman”), Reilly is trying to get out of the Russian Empire at the turn of the last century with a secret report about oil or something. But the Russians suspect him and detain him near the border, along with a crabby old Reverend Thomas and his dissatisfied young wife. Natch Reilly immediately starts flirting with Mrs. Thomas, then asks her to come to his room in the night as a decoy for his escape attempt, promising to be “waiting for her” when they both make it back to England. LULZ JK you will be detained in Russian prison for months. Then the British Secret Intelligence Service claim to not know who Reilly is and there’s a huge scandal about Mrs. Thomas maybe sleeping with him FOR ENGLAND under false pretenses. Then he shows up to the press conference they are having about it and is like “lolol u guys r such jokesters of corse u know me EPIC LULZ ON U MRS. T-MAS!”

I'm sorry, something about this cocky grin makes me think in ironic Internet speak

Then when they’re alone he’s basically like “Well, we might as well do it. Your husband’s so old you’re probably going to be a rich widow soon.” She flounces off angry, and Sam Neill discovers someone in the SIS has murdered his favorite prostitute! Also there’s some kind of secret OTHER oil report! Eventually he catches the killer and everyone loves him again, including Mrs. Thomas who totes marries him when her husband dies. What?

Good thing my hate turned to love just in time, as per romantic comedy rules!

The Character: Of course Sam Neill is Reilly: Ace of Spies! Unlike the other entries on this list, his creepsterhood in this show is portrayed as more of a cheeky player. You know, just like James Bond. Though he’s upset about the death of his favorite prostitute Rose, and does try to figure out who killed her, he gets over it quick enough to flash that smirky little grin at Mrs. Thomas. They’re just women, right? Uggggggh.

What I Learned: You shouldn’t milk your cows if you’re “expecting” an earthquake (how does that work?) because the milk will just go bad during it

You should watch this if you like: more historically accurate James Bond; smirky little grins

Previously: Ruthless Businessman, Ex-Prison Guard, Sad Husband
Next: Dad Edition

Sam Neill Update: Ruthless Businessman, Ex-Prison Guard, Sad Husband

According to my spreadsheet, I’m about 75% done with this project!!! That’s assuming no new titles become available on Netflix before the end. I might end up cheating and watching some things on Amazon Instant.

Stiff (2004 TV movie)
Not to be confused with the 2010 film of the same name about necrophilia that apparently was so bad it brought one imdb reviewer to tears.

None of these people are remotely related to law enforcement. Clears they are the best choice for solving this murder mystery!

The Movie: This movie is based on the first in a series of mystery/thriller novels about rising Australian politician Murray Whelan, who keeps solving murders, despite his actual job being something like the Australian version of a congressional aide. This time it’s the mysterious death of a worker at a meat packing plant, which leads to a Turkish conspiracy and multiple attempts on Murray’s life. He eventually solves the murder, accidentally (on purpose?) kills the murderer, and warns the ruthless meat-packing businessman who was in on it that… he totally knows what’s been going down and to watch his back. Also, Murray flirts with the pretty Turkish girl on the cover, fights with his ex-wife, and bemusedly endangers his son for a bit of comic relief.

Your standard grumpy Sam Neill face

The Character: Sam Neill plays the rich businessman who owns the meat-packing plant and is at least turning a blind eye to the Turkish conspiracy and murder going down (if not ordering it? I kind of zoned out during this part). He’s in maybe three scenes, during which he predictably tries to offer bribes and then denies everything. Maybe it’s just because I’ve seen 75% of all Sam Neill movies, but I kind of felt like he wasn’t really trying. “Stereotypical amoral businessman–I could play this in my sleep,” he probably said to his agent. Which is too bad, because the show was totally stolen by this man:

G'day, you've reached a long Australian TV movie, hilarious minor character speaking.

This guy is super angry that a local tattoo parlor made his heart tattoo say “Gaol” instead of “Gail” and is not leaving this office until their licence is revoked! In consequence, he starts answering Murray’s phone for him, taking messages, fixing the office lights, and signing goodbye cards for retiring secretaries.

What I Learned: Australian police clears have their priorities. The only time they show up ever at all (including when Murray’s brakes are cut and his car goes careening into a river) is when the bad guys attempt to plant drugs in his house.

Should you watch this?: It was kind of slow for a mystery, and didn’t really have many clues you could watch for so that you could solve it yourself. But Murray was a funny main character, so I would say maybe, if you’re on a long plane journey or something.

Alcatraz (2012 TV series)
I cheated, since this movie isn’t on Netflix. I was at my parents house and they had an episode of it on their DVR. I guess they started watching it because “Hey, Sam Neill!”, which, we’ve established, is a totally legit reason to do anything.

Look at you, all nearly the center of attention in this promo!!

The Show: Everyone keeps comparing this to Lost, so I was not expecting to understand anything from just watching a single episode. Basically, in 1963 everyone disappeared off of Alcatraz! Where did they go?? Why?? It turns out the answers are The Future and Conspiracy/Science Experiment! Or something. Now it’s the present and a detective team is trying to catch the time traveling criminals and also discover what is the deal. The main character’s grandfather is one of them (he stabs her like woah in the episode I saw!). Everyone’s after these keys to a mysterious underground room with cute olde-timey science equipment inside! What’s really going on? Like Lost, I actually don’t care very much.

You'd think a creepy prison island would be more compelling, I don't know

The Character: Sam Neill is Emerson Hauser, some kind of high up government official in charge of dealing with this issue. He was also once an Alcatraz guard back in the day! His female doctor OTL disappeared too along with the prisoners and then recently came back, which is apparently why he is so gruff and acts like a jerk all the time. How do you deal with what is suddenly a 50 year age difference? Also, it’s weird to hear him in an American accent.

But look!! He got his own desktop wallpaper on the Fox site!! Exciting!!

What I Learned: Not even the government’s best technologies or explosive can get through a door with three keys from pre-1960s.

Should you watch this?: Maybe if you started from the beginning you would care more, or if you like the “this is a deep mystery/we are actually just making this up as we go” style of TV.

Yes (2004)
This movie was pretty weird, but maybe kind of good? It definitely wasn’t what I was expecting.

I was judging by the cover, can you blame me?

The Movie: You guys. You guys. You guys. This movie was nuts, and here is why. First up, Moaning. Freaking. Myrtle.

First scene in the movie is her monologuing to the camera. Same ghost girl voice and everything.

I recognized her by her voice instantly. But it wasn’t until the next scene that I was sure:

Girl knows her way around a toilet.

Needless to say, having Moaning Myrtle narrate your film is the BEST possible choice for both weirding me out and making me pay attention. Plus, this entire movie was in iambic pentameter!!! Sometimes rhyming!!! Which just added new levels of eeriness. Here’s the deal (Moaning Myrtle aside). Characters only called “She” and “He” start a torrid affair because “She” is unhappy with her husband Anthony.

He could be saying anything, but in iambic pentameter it sounds all Shakespearean and seductive

Then there’s some angst about her failed marriage, and He returns to Beirut because everyone in England is racially prejudice. Then Her aunt dies while telling her to go to Cuba because Fidel Castro is awesome, and He follows her eventually. Happily Ever After?

Sam Neill, why are you always playing either crazy people or cuckolds?

The Character: Sam Neill is Anthony, Her husband. He seems more upset than She is about their marriage breaking up, but refuses to “make a scene”. Also, Moaning Myrtle and She both accuse him of cheating on her first so maybe he deserves it. Unfortunately, he deals with his grief by confiding in his young goddaughter and dancing sadly while reading business papers, not cutting off her fingers.

Choppy McAxeFace, where are you now?

What I Learned: Shirley Henderson will never be able to be in another movie without me shouting “MOANING MYRTLE” and being equal parts excited and freaked out. Sorry, Shirley.

Should you watch this?: Yes. Maybe. It’s so weird and kind of awesome that it’s in iambic pentameter. I guess because the only other movies that do that are adaptions of Shakespeare plays. It’s strange and great to find something so modern doing that. I think I’d watch it just for that (and Moaning Myrtle), not so much the kind of slow plot.

Previously: Rebel, Soldier, Godfather
Next: Creepster Edition

Sam Neill Update: Rebel, Soldier, Godfather

What an exciting week for my Sam Neill project, you guys!! I got to watch the oldest Sam Neill movie I probably ever will! Steven watched something with me and didn’t complain! Sam Neill himself totally commented on my blog!! Okay, so mysterious commenter who has also seen a suspicious amount of Sam Neill movies claims to be a a woman from Bangkok, but that’s just what you would say, Sam, so I’m still putting it down as a “Maybe”.

Sleeping Dogs (1977)

I was going to show you the poster but got distracted googling "Sleeping Dogs"

The Movie: Smith has just gotten divorced and decides to go live on a New Zealand island with his emoness. Except the island is being used as a secret hiding place for guerrilla weapons caches, so he ends up getting arrested. Luckily he’s able to escape by vomiting and then jumping out of a moving car! Then he’s on the run for awhile, trying to live a peaceful life as a motel handyman except that he’s become some kind of symbol to the rebels, so they seek him out. His ex-wife turns out to secretly be a guerrilla fighter, and there’s some chase scenes, some shootings, and eventually everyone dies. Like all movies from the 70s, its tragedy was offset by the ridicness of everyone’s hair.

I kid, Sam Neill, you look great

The Character: Sam Neill is Smith, the main character and pacifist, who just wants to live the quiet life with his dog, and some blonde girl, and the hand turkey his kid made him. Unfortunately, now that he’s been set up by the rebels that’s impossible, and he’s pretty much forced to become one of them. In the end, he drags his wounded rebel frenemy all the way through the jungle only to be surrounded by the right-wing military at the last second and shot after giving the prerequisite “Whatever, I don’t even CARE anymore” speech and jaunty saunter away.

What I Learned: 1970s New Zealand still relied heavily on the barter system. Sam Neill is totally able to swap his car for a boat, and they even throw in a cool dog! That’s a trade I would take! Also, the fate of said dog remains inconclusive. I worried about it for the entire second half.

Would I watch again?: I can only take so much 70s hair and angsting, Sam. Even for you.

Attack Force Z (1982)

I was really disappointed to learn that the “Z” doesn’t stand for “zombie”.

But the hats certainly didn't disappoint

The Movie: Confession: I find war movies really boring. Apart from Sam Neill, I had a really hard time telling the other soldiers in Attack Force Z apart, even though one of them is a young Mel Gibson. They were all Australian army guys in khakis with extremely badass shooting skillz infiltrating some Pacific island jungle to rescue the survivors of a plane crash in Japanese-occupied territory. They get some help from a local resistance leader, who is possibly even more badass than they are, and of course one of them falls in love with the resistance leader’s hot daughter, and SURPRISE! the survivors include a Japanese man who will somehow help end WWII! Everyone freaks out about helping a Japanese guy, and eventually Mel Gibson (I think?) convinces the local people to help them escape with him. A big battle in which everyone but Mel Gibson and Love Interest die! Important Japanese Guy is shot somewhere in the melee, making the entire thing pretty much pointless. Everyone is sad. And dead.

Especially Sam Neill.

The Character: According to IMDB, Sam Neill was Sgt. D.J. Costello, although since I never bothered to learn their names, to me he was “the one who is Sam Neill” as opposed to the other four who were “Not Sam Neill”. He did manage to stand out from his fellow Z Men by being the only one who speaks Chinese, so their main source of communication with their resistance leader allies. In the first few minutes, one of their number is shot and wounded in the leg! Because he will just slow them down or end up captured and tortured, Sam Neill shoots him humanely, in the middle of a conversation.

Because that's how he rolls

What I Learned: Even Sam Neill can’t make me like war movies. How to hide a fugitive from the Japanese army (answer: in a secret compartment under a box of chickens!)

Would I Watch Again?: No. See above.

Crusoe (2008-2009)

I didn’t like the book Robinson Crusoe so I didn’t have high hopes for this TV series. But, surprise! Its only relation to the book is the names of the two main characters, and the fact that they are stranded on an island!

Inaccuracy has never made me so happy!

The TV Show: Robinson Crusoe is stranded on an island after a shipwreck! Luckily, he is a wood-genius and makes all kinds of awesome Swiss Family Robinson-esque treehouses and bridges and elevators and orange juice makers and coconut radios. Okay, maybe not that last one. Also, he saves a guy from becoming a human sacrifice and they become BFF! Friday is even more awesome than Crusoe at fighting, speaking a frillion languages, and being snarky! The show chronicles their various adventures on the island, which seems to be visited by a disproportionate amount of pirates, mutineers, and the like. Also, Crusoe has frequent flashbacks to his life before the shipwreck, where he seems to have been caught in the unpleasantness of the English Civil Wars and aftermath. He also worries constantly about his wife and daughters and angsts about never seeing them again. I was not even upset that Sam Neill is kind of barely in this show, probably because of this:

Hello cute, often-shirtless men!

The Character: Sam Neill plays Jeremiah Blackthorn, Crusoe’s family friend and the godfather to his kids. We see him being kind of sinister in all the flashbacks, but he always seems to act in Crusoe’s best interest, lending him money and claiming to be interested in helping because he has no family of his own. I’ve only seen the first three episodes, but I’m assuming he is secretly Crusoe’s real father, or some other such intrigue. Or maybe he has been secretly plotting against Crusoe this whole time? It’s unclear whether his creepiness in the flashbacks is just because he’s Sam Neill in period dress or a misdirect or for real. I guess I will have to watch more to find out!

I can't make fun of your costumes this time, Sam. They are fabulous.

What I Learned: To set a spirit to rest, their heart, skull, and bones need to be in the same place. Sam Neill movies continue to be terrible at making girls-dressed-as-boys look like believable men. Or maybe that’s just movies in general.

Would I Watch Again?: Yes! I have only watched the first three hours of this show, and I really want to know if Sam Neill is the bad guy or not. Also if Friday ever finds love.

Next: Ruthless Businessman, Ex-Prison Guard, Sad Husband
Previously: Sam Neill: Angst Edition

Sam Neill Update: Angst Edition

It feels like so long since we’ve talked about Sam Neill, you guys!! Maybe it’s taken me longer to get through these because they were all just so angsty (here’s a definition of that from a reputable source, dad). I guess Sam Neill is as much a victim of the post-holiday blues as anyone. Cheer up, Sam; I’m pretty sure you get to be a vampire in the next one! And not some lame sparkly one either!

Little Fish (2005)

I too was upset that it wasn't the Australian Finding Nemo

The Movie: Cate Blanchett is a recovering heroin addict trying to pull her life together, which is tough when she can’t get any loans due to her past history, and both her brother, ex-boyfriend, and Hugo Weaving keep trying to pull her back in. Everyone spends a lot of time being sad and staring at things thinking about the hopelessness of it all. Also, Hugo Weaving is the ex-lover of an Australian mob boss and can’t get over it, leading to a climactic ending involving guns and drug overdoses and swimming at the beach in your underwear.

The Character: Sam Neill is the Australian mob boss which means he has to share an awkward kiss with this man:

Would've been hotter if he still looked like Elrond

He’s okay, as far as mob bosses go. He threatens people and he has a fancy gun. My main issue was the fact that he dresses like a middle-aged stockbroker on a yacht at all times.

It's like the least intimidating outfit I can imagine

What I Learned: Sydney apparently has a “little Saigon” district with the largest Vietnamese community in Australia! Judging from this movie it is also rife with drug dealers and ambitious video rental stores.

Would I Watch Again? No, I could barely handle it the first time.

Plenty (1985)

Three years before a dingo ate her baby, Meryl Streep played an even crazier character in a Sam Neill movie! Sting, Gandalf, and Charles Dance were also there.

Thankfully this movie has 100% fewer awkward shorts scenes

 

The Movie: This movie incorporates a lot of unexplained and unmarked time skips, so I’m going to write my summary in a similarly confusing way. It’s WWII and Meryl Streep is a spy in France! Sam Neill is a newly arrived spy, and she gives him advice, then cries, then sleeps with him. He leaves without saying goodbye. Then some guy is dead and Charles Dance is an ambassador who has to deal. The corpse’s wife is Meryl Streep! Except she’s not really his wife, just his mistress. Now Charles Dance and Meryl Streep are making out and they’ve been dating for months. Meryl Streep’s BFF is a bohemian and Charles Dance hates the way they talk and like jazz music. Meryl Streep asks Sting to father a child with her because she wants a kid and doesn’t want to get married. Sting visits her with flowers because it’s apparently a year later and she’s still not preggers? Then she tries to shoot Sting (we’ve all been there). Charles Dance answers a phone and then rushes to a hospital. Meryl Streep turns around dramatically! Now Charles Dance is at a dinner party and says his wife will be right down! Bohemian BFF is coming downstairs in a fancy dress! J/k his wife is Meryl Streep who freaks out about the Suez Canal and makes everyone uncomfortable. Now Bohemian BFF is visiting some desert place! Charles Dance and Meryl Streep are there, and Meryl Streep is heavily sedated. Meryl Streep visits Gandalf to ask why her husband hasn’t been getting good ambassador assignments. She threatens to kill herself, then goes home and tears up the wallpaper. Meryl Streep is sleeping with Sam Neill again! Then she falls asleep and Sam Neill leaves! Wait–no, he finds his cufflinks she’s kept in her purse all these years! Okay, he covers her with a blanket and then leaves. The End.

Meryl Streep convincing Charles Dance that her crazy is endearing

The Character: Sam Neill is barely in this movie. We see him at the beginning jumping out of a plane and sleeping with Meryl Streep, and then at the end, sleeping with Meryl Streep. But, throughout all the crazy parts in the middle, she keeps his cufflinks in her purse and talks nonstop about how she misses the war because “you could meet people even just for a night that would change your life forever”.

Can you blame her?

Thing I Learned: Sting isn’t a terrible actor! What Ian McKellan looks like with black hair!

Would I Watch Again? Yes, backwards, to see if it makes more sense.

Angel (2007)

Once again, Netflix tricked me into thinking this was a historical romance.

At least the costumes lived up to their promise

The Movie: This movie follows the life of Angel Deverell, who starts out as a petulant and angsty grocer’s daughter and rises to become a petulant and angsty rich and famous novelist by writing the turn of the century equivalent of Twilight. She spends pretty much all of the movie acting like your worst memories of middle schoolers, refusing to change any part of her books, even for factual accuracy. She marries a painter she doesn’t understand because he’s hot, and he likes the fact that she’s rich. Then he goes off to fight in WWI, eventually returning with one leg to commit suicide. Only then does Angel discover that he had a mistress and child. She angsts and eventually dies, almost alone and forgotten.

But the hair and costumes were superb

The Character: Sam Neill plays Angel’s publisher, who sticks by her despite how annoying and crazy she is.

Sam Neill, trying to manfully put up with stuff

Later his wife accuses him of being in love with her, since almost everyone in this movie is in love with her, despite her screechy, petulant selfishness.

Thing I Learned: This book/movie was based on the life of real author Marie Corelli who was apparently way more popular than all of her now-famous contemporaries like H.G. Wells. She was once criticized as being “a woman of deplorable talent who imagined that she was a genius, and was accepted as a genius by a public to whose commonplace sentimentalities and prejudices she gave a glamorous setting”.

Would I Watch Again? Maybe for costume ideas!

Next: Rebel, Soldier, Godfather
Previously: Made for TV Movie Edition

Sam Neill Update: Made For TV Movie Edition!

You know Sam Neill loves his made for TV movies. Also, this project is now 60% complete!!!

Snow White: A Tale of Terror (tv 1997)

The Movie: This is the story of Snow White but creepier and with better costumes! The dwarves are now an outlaw band of renegade miners (including one hot guy). Snow White’s name is Lilli, and the guy sent to kill her doesn’t so much take pity as gets tired of chasing her pathetically quickly. Also, the handsome prince is a handsome doctor! Steven and I debated the whole movie about whether Sigourney Weaver, the Evil Stepmom, was evil from the beginning or if Young Snow White drove her to it by being terrible. Either way, her creepy possessed mirror definitely commits at least one murder before she is even really married to Sam Neill so there’s that. But she seems to go really nuts after the stillbirth of her child, the heir Sam Neill wants so badly. A lot of her actions seem to be motivated by magically bringing it back to life.

As always, great choice in women, Sam Neill

The Character: Sam Neill plays Snow White’s dad. Unlike the fairy tale, he doesn’t die, but does suffer a bad accident which hurts his leg. Then Sigourney Weaver goes full on crazy, poisons(?) everyone in the castle, and hangs him upside down in the chapel to bleed him for some kind of dead-raising black sabbath. Luckily Snow White and her hot new outlaw miner BF arrive in time to save him! I was expecting his character to be somewhat bumbling and oblivious, but he was actually pretty normal.

Well, apart from his taste in clothing

What I Learned: Hot outlaw miners know way more about how to tell if people are really dead than hot doctors!

Would I Watch Again?: Probably not, unless it was to study the costumes, which were pretty awesome!

Forgotten Silver (TV 1995)

Netflix basically tricked me into watching this

The Movie: So this is actually a mockumentary, back when those were less common and Peter Jackson was way less famous. Apparently when it was first aired on TV people were pissed when they found out it was hoax. It was less over the top than other mockumentaries I’ve seen, so I get why they might have been confused. It follows the life of Colin McKenzie, a “forgotten” New Zealand filmmaker at the very birth of filmmaking in the early 20th century. It was actually pretty funny and interesting, tying the fake story in with real historical events and people.

The Character: Sam Neill actually plays himself, which is why this movie wasn’t originally on my spreadsheet. Netflix, which has finally seemed to detect the pattern underlying all of my recent movie selections, suggested it to me. Sam Neill is one of many real famous people who are interviewed to talk about their own experiences with Colin McKenzie’s work and what they think his affect has been on the film industry.

What I Learned: Richard Pearse, famous New Zealand aviator, may have beaten the Wright brothers into the air, although there is little proof besides some witness accounts. It’s easy to forget that lots of people all over the world were working on how to fly at the same time!

Would I watch again?: I think so. The fake black and white footage was pretty entertaining and the story it told, though fiction, was still interesting. Plus, it’s funny to imagine the hundreds of people totally believing all of it.

The Incredible Journey of Mary Bryant (TV 2005)

I couldn't go a whole post without watching something based on a true story

The Movie: Mary is a young, pregnant, starving thief who is sentenced to transportation to Australia at the very start of the New South Wales penal colony. Both the journey and conditions when they get there are looking pretty grim. Luckily Mary finds love with a hot smuggler, Will Bryant, and they get prison married! Jack Davenport is a young lieutenant virtually identical to his character in Pirates of the Caribbean in that he sticks to his ideals and then loses the girl of his dreams to someone who is hotter and looser in the moral department. Mary decides that this is no place to raise her children and organizes a crazy escape attempt, making it all the way to the Dutch Indies before being caught and sent back to England for trial. Luckily everyone loves her so she gets off!! Yay!!

Sam Neill mostly wears a lot of wigs

The Character: Sam Neill plays Arthur Phillip, the governor of the penal colony! He’s kind of a jerk in that when a massive night of rape breaks out, he says “Just let it run its course” and orders his men to protect the food. Another time, when confronted with violent natives, he commands one of his men to take his pants off “so that they can see we’re men, same as them. Otherwise they might think us women.”

It's the hair, Sam. And the shiny gold decorations

Previously: Space Edition!
Next: Angst Edition!

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