Using the currently popular Twilightesque cover art style of "something vague on black"

Naturally, I chose this for the cover art. I’m ashamed to admit it, but the Twilight art style works on me. Part of me thinks half the reason for Twilight‘s popularity is its cover art (despite the fact that it is blatant false advertising).

So maybe my selection process (judging a book by its cover) was the one thing traditional librarian archetypes are urging us NEVER to do (that, and to use our library voices), so I shouldn’t have expected too much. I will say this, the premise of the book was pretty baller. There aren’t nearly enough stories about killer trees in this world. I think the main problem with this book is that I felt like I was reading a sequel to a much better book that I’d rather be reading instead. Here’s the sitch:

Liza lives with her abusive father in a town where any child perceived to have magic is abandon in the woods to be eaten by wild animals. Is this 13th century Europe, you ask? NO! It’s the FUTURE! And the world is just barely recovering from a war with EARTH MAGIC FAIRY ELVES (or something) who came through the St. Louis Arch and started sending plants to take root IN YOUR SKIN.

Gateway to the West? Or Gateway to ELVEN TREE DOOM

However, none of that happens in the story. Sure, occasionally the trees try to eat her, and the corn they harvest moans and screams when they pick it, but for the most part, the world is in recovery. Liza discovers that she, like most people born after the war, has magic, and so, rather than face her father’s wrath, she runs away from home with her trusty werewolf friend and eventually embarks on a quest to save her missing mother, who has fled to a radioactive battleground to be all mopey about her ex-bf.

I’m giving this book an “okay, but not great”. The writing was about average, and the moral of the story is that Elves Are People Too and We’ll All To Blame. Maybe I just didn’t feel enough empathy for the characters, but I kept wanting to rewind about 20 years and see some trees totally pwn some commandos.

It'd be like that scene from the Wizard of Oz, but a million times more badass.

“I love facebook invites. They’re so easy for everyone involved and you can upload hilarious pictures. I wonder if I can just make facebook invites for my wedding? And then everyone who clicks ‘Maybe’ won’t get food. It’ll be awesome.”

The second was:

“NEW MOON RIFFTRAX ARE OUT?????? Why didn’t Mike Nelson inform me PESRONALLY??? I am there.”

In case you are uninitiated, RiffTrax is a lot like my beloved Mystery Science Theater 3000 in that it’s a track you can play along with a movie that makes fun of it AND IT IS WRITTEN BY THE SAME PEOPLE. It’s different in that the movies are often real, theatrical releases and not The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-up Zombies. The Twilight RiffTrax was definitely the funniest I’ve seen–probably because A) Twilight is horribly written AND horribly acted, and B) there is so much dramatic pausing to leave plenty of room to make jokes in between dialog.

So today Rachel and I (and Steven) experienced New Moon: The Movie: With Rifftrax. And it was so painful. I cannot imagine seeing it in the theaters without someone making fun of it in the background. Here is a rundown in case you are curious:

Bella: can best be described as—DRAMATIC PAUSE–”noodley”, we decided, since, like many toddlers, she seems to have trouble–DRAMATIC PAUSE–developing these gross motor skills and often ends up falling down or–DRAMATIC PAUSE–just going limp on the nearest available surface.

Edward: is incredibly squinty. Rachel thinks that may be–DRAMATIC PAUSE–Robert Pattinson concentrating to say his lines in an American accent. I think that he just can’t stand–DRAMATIC PAUSE–being near Kristin Stewart’s equally bad acting.

The Effeminate Background Elf Characters from Lord of the Rings: are now effeminate Italian vampires, apparently.

Now just imagine about 300% more dramatic pauses, and it’s like you ACTUALLY WATCHED New Moon. But 24 times shorter.

I totally just found a website where you can make your own Twilight book!!!!

It’s called “Teen Book By You”. Basically, you tell them the girl character’s name and what color her hair is and the guy character’s name and what color his hair is, and then they mail you a copy of the book that you wrote!! And by wrote, I mean filled in five boxes. Natch the book isn’t the “real” Twilight. It’s called First Bite, and it’s about a klutzy highschool girl who falls in love with a vampire. I did the “preview this book” function, which you should definitely check out. At first I decided to fill in the names with professors at Rice, so that Jane Chance and Dr. Dodds’ dramatic yet secret love story could finally be told. Then I decided that I’ve been so mean to Brian Reinhart on my blog over the past year that it’s definitely time to put forth an olive branch. An olive branch consisting of him realizing his true love for Edward Cullen.

“Did you enjoy the party?” Brian tilted her head and reached up a hand to remove her earrings as she watched Edward in the mirror. That’s another myth gone. His reflection’s as visible as mine.
“Let me,” Edward whispered, circling her ear with one night-cool finger. “Ah, the party. It was interesting. Your friend Rory has a great deal of energy.”
“That’s one way to put it! No fear, no speedometer, no brakes. That’s what she’d say.” Brian smiled fondly. “She’s a good friend.”
“Yes.” He looked deep into the mirror, seeing something she could not find; he forgot to pretend to breathe, lost in thought. Brian waited, curious and concerned, idly admiring the line of his jaw, the sparkle of his black eyes.
A slow nod signaled his return to the moment. “Rory has suspicions about me. About what I am.”
Brian froze. “Are you sure?”
“She seems to have held her ideas for quite some time, on little evidence. Is she one of those who romanticizes my kind? There are many who seem strangely fascinated with my fictional brethren.”
“Well, Rory likes vampire flicks, but she’s no Goth.What exactly did she say?”
Edward repeated the conversation verbatim. “As I said, she has little evidence, but still she persists in her conviction, and I cannot argue. She is, after all, correct about what I do.”
Brian stared at him. “Edward?” Her voice was high and soft. “Would you show me? I mean…what you do? How you feed?”
“I would rather not.” Her face fell, and he had to look away. “If you feel it necessary, I shall. When you are certain. Not until then.” Gentle as the brush of a shadow, he stroked her cheek, kissed her, and vanished into the night, leaving her alone.
Brian lay awake long into the night, falling finally into a restless, dream-haunted sleep about Edward where each ray of sunshine coming through the windows was first his touch, then a brand of fire, alternately pleasure and pain. She woke, sweating and chilled, wondering why she didn’t just turn and run away….

Naturally the problem with this is that, gender confusion aside, it’s better written than the real Twilight. Luckily, for further hilarity, the same website also offers another book called Prom and Prejudice. I assume you can guess what it’s based off of.

And, to apologize further to Brian Reinhart, I thought I would make this about the TRUE love of his life:

…All Classical Music could think about was her missing ring, making it impossible to concentrate on the English test. Brian was offering to help, but that could be as dangerous as failing the test. Classical Music nervously looked up toward her teacher, Mr. Heikkilite. He wasn’t watching her, but she studied him for a moment, attempting to calculate the probability of whether he would look up as she scribbled a note and slid her reply to Brian.

What’s it gonna cost me?

At her inquiry, Brian actually looked hesitant, as if contemplating a deal. Finally he scrawled a reply and pushed the scrap of paper around for to read:

Pretend 2 B my girlfriend?

She looked up at his face, her expression incredulous. He gave her a helpless look and shrugged slightly. She wrote back, carefully printing her response, while keeping an eye on Mr. Heikkilite.

R U insane?

Classical Music watched Brian for a moment, looking for a response. He gave none, other than reaching into his pocket and pulling his hand out – a familiar ring decorating his indexfinger! Classical Music let her mouth drop open in horror and she lunged across the aisle, attempting to retrieve her heirloom. She inadvertently knocked her pen to the floor, attracting Mr. Heikkilite’s attention. She carefully picked up her pen and held it high so that the instructor could see what had caused the commotion. Brian stifled a laugh and placed the ring back in his pocket for safekeeping. If she weren’t afraid that Mr. Heikkilite would fail her, she would have tackled Brian to the floor to get that ring back. Instead, Classical Music glared at him one last time, then skimmed another question, hoping she could focus.
But it was of no use. Squeezing the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger, she nearly groaned in defeat. Twenty-four hours ago she’d been certain that she was leaving for college in the fall. Now, Classical Music was making a deal with the devil. Along the side of her scrap paper she scribbled a note and pushed it toward Brian. He glanced at the message, and a triumphant grin spread over his face, his gleaming brown eyes ablaze, as he read her note.

U know, Hip Hop will never 4give me 4 this.

——
“Wait a minute,” he began, and Classical Music stopped, looking at him curiously. “Look, Classical Music…”
“What? What is it?” she asked, the pained expression on his face making her nervous.
“I want you to go to the prom with me,” Brian blurted out abruptly.
The flush of happiness that covered her face was short-lived when she remembered their deal and the real reason he was inviting her. “I see,” Classical Music said quietly. “So this is the final straw to make your ex even more jealous?”
“No, Classical Music.” Brian laughed a bit awkwardly. “I mean, I want you to go with me − not as part of the plan − but as my date.”
Her eyes widened and she frowned slightly, replaying his words in her head to make sure she understood. “Your real date?”
“Yeah, my date. Who better to take than my best friend?” he responded in a murmur. There was an awkward pause as Brian waited for a response and Classical Music stood staring through him. Brian cleared his throat to break the silence.
“I really should get to class,” Classical Music finally replied, and started to walk past him.
“Please, Classical Music,” he stated simply. Something in his voice caused her to turn and face him. “I’ll understand if you don’t want to go with me, but just give me an answer. Yes or no?”
Her hazel eyes gazed directly into his brown ones. The tension in her chest seemed to release, and she found herself smiling again. “Yes, Brian. I’ll go to the prom with you.”

And they lived happily ever after I’m sure. Perhaps my favorite part of this website are the comments from customers:

“Gave my 15-year-old ‘First Bite’ since she’s such a fan of supernatural novels. She was thrilled and couldn’t wait to show her friends her own gothic love story. (…) I especially like that the leads are both smart and love books, and though there’s plenty of passion things aren’t too ‘adult’ or graphic. Though I’m sure my daughter wouldn’t have minded, considering how ‘hot’ the hero was (her words).”

“I bought Prom & Prejudice for my younger brother, who’s 12 and obsessed with football. He and his best friend (he ‘played’ the heroine’s funny sidekick) thought it was hilarious. My brother loved that he got to be the star player who saves the day without being a perfect goody-two-shoes. I’ll be buying my own copy so me and my boyfriend can play the leads. Thanks!”

Clearly these will be what everyone I know is getting for Christmas.

This cover has almost nothing to do with the plot

The Splendor Falls by Rosemary Clement-Moore. I have made a check list for comparison.

1. Main character: Sylvie Davis v. Bella Swan

Sylvie Davis

Imagine a tutu instead of a cheerleading outfit and snarkiness instead of 80s hair

Backstory: 17-Year-Old international ballet sensation until the tragic accident that broke her leg. She’s better now, but with mom remarried she is forced to go spend the summer at her dead father’s family’s plantation mansion in Middle of Nowhere, Alabama.

Hobbies: Wishing she could still dance, talking to her adorable dog, solving mysteries, gardening, fighting the undead, historical research, being a reincarnation of an Ancient Welsh princess

Secret abilities: MAGIC, seeing dead people, and being from an Old Southern family

Growth throughout the book: She changes from a depressed, slightly snobby New Yorker into a ghost-fighting, mystery-solving True Daughter of the South.

When the going gets tough, she: runs headlong into the haunted woods totally ignoring her limp or personal safety.

Bella Swan

If I crease my forehead, it will look like I have emotions, which is more acting than you're doing, Robert

Backstory: When her mother remarries, she moves in with her father in Middle of Nowhere, Washington. That’s about it.

Hobbies: fulfilling the traditional woman’s role, falling down, EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD

Secret abilities: fainting, construing abuse as love

Growth throughout the book: She changes from a vapid, personalityless shell to a vapid, personalityless shell with a defining characteristic! Unfortunately, that’s dependence on a sparklepire.

When the going gets tough, she: swoons and then patiently waits for a big strong man to save her

2. Setting: Alabama v. Washington
Creepy Alabama

Take Disney's Haunted Mansion ride and add a sassy cook

Settings include Creepy Haunted Mansion with adjoining haunted forest, nearby small town of Mayberry Maddox Falls which apparently has good pie, creepy Civil War Era ghost town complete with creepy prison and grad student archeologists.

Product of: Actual research

Forks, Washington

I included this google image of it since that's all Stephenie Meyer knows either

Settings include rainy forest, rainy beaches, rainy Bella’s house, rainy school, rainy glass vampire house. Guess which is the only one described in any detail.

Product of: A fever dream and stereotypes

3. Villain: Every other character plus some ghosts v. the second dumbest vampire ever
Ghost Confederate soldiers/oddly charismatic student body president guy/hot Welsh guy/industry/the Self

One of the great things about The Splendor Falls is that it’s a mystery with suspense (words italicized so SMeyers will realize they are vocab words she needs to look up and use in a sentence or a novel). Therefore, until the last few chapters, it’s impossible to know who the bad guy is. But practically every other character is a suspect including Sylvie herself, since for awhile she thinks she’s going crazy (you know, a rational response to seeing the undead). Other possible suspects include: her ancestor the mean Southern colonel’s malevolent ghost, a shrieking ghost girl who turns out to be his disgraced daughter, a sad ghost baby (you can probs see where that subplot is going), the unquiet Union prisoner dead, Shawn Maddox the oddly charismatic leader of the Teen Town Council who, despite their idiotic name, are clearly UP TO SOMETHING NO GOOD/voodoo, and Rhys, a secretive Welsh hottie staying at the mansion/hotel and “doing research” that involves sneaking off into the woods and telling Sylvie she’s in grave danger but never elaborating.

When men get pushy, secretive, and generally act like asshats, Sylvie: tells them to stop being a dick, stops talking to them, walks away, avoids them

Some vampire

I know he has a name, but I doubt SMeyers even remembers it he was such a minor character

I mean, I’m sure this guy tried to be menacing, but when you’re introduced on page 400 there’s not much you can do besides take your shirt off, foil the main characters’ idiotic plans with your own only slightly less stupid ones, and hope for the best.

When men get pushy, stalkity, and completely abusive, Bella: falls even deeper in LOVE

4. Love Interest: Rhys v. Edward

Rhys

I typed "Hot Welsh Guy" into Google images and Christian Bale came up

Despite saving Sylvie from plummeting off a cliff this one time and being really considerate about her still hurt leg, Rhys may also be the bad guy considering how he’s 1) way too snarky, 2) sneaks off all the time to do something, 3) will not share what it is and gets way cryptic when you try to ask, and 4) may or may not have dropped a mine shaft on his BFF back in Wales. Also he may be a voodoo wizard?

His hotness: is no excuse for his jerkiness. Good job, Sylvie. Way to have priorities.

Edward

I tried to find one where his hair looks the most ridic, but it was too hard to choose

Edward’s main attraction is that he is the hottest male ever in any species (above picture apparently notwithstanding). He’s also way good at every possible skill, including entomology. But he may also be a villain considering that he’s a vampire and may rip Bella apart at any time and feast upon her flesh. I personally consider him to be a villain because he never does this. All the other reasons that he is a “love interest” revolve around being domineering and abusive, so I count it towards evidence for his impending trial rather than reasons why he is a mysterious and exciting male lead.

His hotness: is a license to stalk. And can blind unwitting motorists. Apparently.

5. The Plot: Constant Confusion vs. Constant Boredom

The Splendor Falls
I feel like I need some kind of complex flow chart to explain this plot. But when I tried it I got this:

And that is ignoring some of the subplots

I seriously still did not know what was going on till the last chapter.

Twilight
Happily (or sadly), Twilight’s was so easy to draw, that I even took time to add labels:

I thought about writing out more of the characters' names, but then realized I don't remember them for a reason

6. Authors: Rosemary Clement-Moore v. Stephenie Meyer

Rosemary Clement-Moore
Although her website is way less syrupy and self-indulgent than SMeyer’s, Rosemary seems to be pretty bitchin’. She lists Arsenic and Old Lace, Firefly, Guitar Hero, and Jasper Fforde as some of her favorites, which means that we could sit next to each other on a bus and become instant BFFs. However, she doesn’t seem crazy, which is something I like in my authors.

Stephenie Meyer
And crazy is one area where SMeyer doesn’t disappoint. I don’t even know what to say here because there are TOO MANY options. First, she wrote Twilight. Second, it came to her in a dream. Third, she claims to be in love with the main characters. Fourth, she went to the trouble to explain how Edward can deal with being around Bella when she’s menstruating (and her explanation is ridic). There’s more, but I’m sick of thinking about Twilight. Oddly, I think this round goes to SMeyer, simply because she enriches my life with her crazy. And by that I mean, I like laughing at her.

Splendor Falls: 5 Twilight: -8,999
I took off points for how long it took me to slog through.

Terrified
I looked around
For the Twilight photoshoot
But there was none

I had a feeling this one would be different because I was at the library the morning after it came out, when the five teen girl movie volunteers staggered in around noon after staying up all night waiting at the book store. “Well?” I asked them. “How is it?” Since they’d been talking about nothing else for the past two months it wasn’t hard for them to know what I was talking about. I was shocked when they all shouted “HORRIBLE!” at once and one of them added “It’s like Stephanie Meyer didn’t even write it.” After valiantly reading the other three books so that you don’t have to, I started wondering about this condemnation. Could it be that Stephanie Meyer, in the fourth book of her wildly popular and horribly written teen girl series, has FINALLY learned how to write, letting down her vapid fans everywhere?

The answer, I’m sad to tell you, is NO. For the love of all that is at least properly punctuated, NO. So, proceed IF YOU DARE.

Breaking Dawn

First 100 Pages: OMG WEDDING SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!

Carlisle, Vampire Doctor: Oh, and let me tell you this story about something called “Immortal Children”. They’re kids that got turned into vampires. Way cute, but TOTALLY DEADLY! They’re a big no-no. Luckily they’ve all been dead for centuries.

Bella: So why are you telling me now?

Carlisle: So you can have a foreshadowing dream every fifty pages.

Edward: I know I told you we would try to get it on, within the bounds of Holy Matrimony, before I make you a vampire, but I don’t want to hurt you.

Bella: Don’t even worry about it! I’m fine. Oh, except for this black and blue mark.

Edward: OH MY GOD FIFTY PAGES OF ANGST AND GUILT. Bella, we are NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN. Ever. Clearly, it’s wrong.

Bella: Now you won’t sex me up INSIDE of marriage? You are like the lamest vampire ever.

Bella’s Uterus: Hey gang! So got a baby in me right now! You can tell by the way you’re throwing up in the morning and I’m noticeably protruding and you can’t stop eating eggs!

Bella: WHAT? I’ve had sex like… once! Yesterday!

Bella’s Uterus: Them’s the breaks, kid. Should have listened to your extremely effeminate vampire husband. Sex ALWAYS leads to instantaneous pregnancy.

Edward: Oh my God that thing inside you is growing way too fast!

Bella: It’s cool.

Edward: Also, it’s sapping all your energy.

Bella: Whatever, I got this.

Edward: And breaking your ribs. And killing you.

Bella: YOU CAN’T HAVE MY BABY.

Jacob: Hey guys. I’m still totes in love with Bella, so I came to watch her slowly die from your evil vamfetus so I can angst about it later.

Edward: Jacob! Only YOU can save Bella! Clearly she wants babies and clearly I can’t give them to her.

Jacob: So… you’re looking for some kind of werewolf-baby-making threesome?

Bella: NO WAY. I guarantee you those babies would NOT be as amazing as my vambaby!

Jacob: Whatever. I’m so used to you constantly rejecting me that I don’t even hear it anymore.

Bella’s Fetus: Heya, guys. I’ve been in here for like two weeks and I’m bored. Time to bust out of this Popsicle stand!

Edward: It’s a girl!

Bella: I’ve combined our mother’s names! Renee and Esme. We shall call her… RENESMEE! (dies)

Edward: I AM NOT BECOMING A SINGLE DAD TO SOME SPARKLY FREAK BABY! (turns her into a vampire)

Renesme: Hey team. Because having a normal, boring baby around would be such a drag, I’m like a magical-human-vampire-elf-fairy-princess baby who can show you what I’m thinking by touching you and learns to talk in three days and walk in a week and looks like I’m five when I’m really like a month old! Also, I’m super gorgeous and strong and fast and PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.

Jacob: I just had a Native American Werewolf Psychic Moment! When you grow up–probably in like a year–YOU will be my ONE TRUE LOVE! All my problems are solved! No loose ends here!

Bella: Woo!!! Being a vampire is amazing! I’m sparkly and fast and pretty!!! I will talk about how awesome it is and how awesome my magical human vampire fairy elf princess baby is for the next three hundred and fifty pages!

Carlisle: Don’t forget to have creepy premonitions about immortal children!

Some angry vampire chick, possibly from the second book: OMG that beautiful, fast, sparkly child could only be AN IMMORTAL CHILD!!! WTF, guys, that’s totes against the rules! I’m telling!

Alice, Psychic Vampire: OH NOES! The Italian Vampire Royalty are coming to kill us all!

Carlisle: So on page 600 of this 754 page novel, the antagonists have finally showed up?

Alice: Kind of. It’ll take them another hundred to get here.

Carlisle: We should prepare by gathering our vampire friends, so that they too can ramble on about how beautiful and amazing our magical human vampire elf fairy princess baby is. Oh, also so maybe they can tell the Italian Vampire Royalty that we didn’t create an immortal child.

Other Vampires: We’re so there!

Romanian Vampires: You didn’t invite us, but we came anyway because we hate the Italian Vampire Royalty and think they’re looking for a fight. They are always pushing everyone around! Are you going to stand for that? Come on, guys, there’s like fifty of you. We could take them.

Carlisle: We’ll see. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. And, because you know Stephanie Meyer, you know it won’t, since an all-out vampire brawl would be WAY TOO EXCITING for this book.

Vampire Royalty: We’re finally here to kill you.

Renesmee: I’m totes not an immortal child.

Other Vampires: No, really.

Vampire Royalty: Oops. Our bad. See yous guys. Oh, and I guess we’ll kill Angry Vampire Chick for lying to us. You know, to keep our vampire cred.

Edward: They only ran because they were scared of you, Bella.

Bella: Me?

Edward: Yeah, whatever. Maybe someday they’ll… come back… or something.

Bella: Great, way to set up for a possible sequel starring our magical fairy princess rainbow my little pony sailor moon elf barbie daughter.

Edward: It’s all about the royalties!

The End

So, besides having no plot, which, judging from the reception of the other books, teen girls have no problem with, Stephanie Meyer made the obvious mistake of having her heroine be 1. married and 2. a mom. No teen girl wants to fantasize about being married with children, even if they are super vampire magical elf children. This book, and pretty much the whole series, is like Dracula brought to you by the people who did the American cut of Sailor Moon, if they’d all suddenly converted to Mormonism. Pretty much all sparkly costume changes, and no one is sexualized or does anything evil, even though they’re all wearing mini skirts or, you know, VAMPIRES.

You guys owe me. That was painful.

Confession: I recently bought Twilight.
I know, I know, I feel awful about it. Especially since I’ve already managed to read the first three books through extreme patience and library-fu. Buying a Twilight book is shameful. Buying a Twilight book you’ve already read is definitely more shameful. To be fair, it is on my reading list for my Young Adult Literature Class next semester, and I did buy it at a used book store for $3. I don’t think any of that went to Stephanie Meyer, so I still feel pretty okay about the practical facts, but my reputation may never recover. I knew this would be necessary since the tens or hundreds of people on the waiting list for it back at my library at home would make it impossible to guarantee my having it a specific week for class, but, oddly, this morning when I went online to request the fourth book, Breaking Dawn, to write a wildly popular review of it, I found that I was number FOUR on the list. And there are EIGHT copies. I’ll probably have it tomorrow. I’m shocked by Twilight’s apparent lack of popularity here, until I realized that a typo in the description of the book calls the vapid main character “Ellen Swan” instead of “Bella Swan”, thus confusing legions of preteen girls. Suckers.

In Penance for this: I vow to be as sarcastic and withering as possible to the inevitable one or two people in our class discussion who will gush endlessly about how much they love Twilight.

Confession: I am incurring library fines AS WE SPEAK
As a librarian, this is incredibly shameful. It gets worse: the source of these fines is none other than the book-on-CD version of I’d Tell You I Love You But Then I’d Have to Kill You. To be fair, I didn’t steal it so that it could be mine forever, but simply forgot to give it to Mom Ladd before her return to Florida and have since been unable to find it to mail it back myself. Trixie probably hid it. Which means that, years from now, someone will pull it from some secret compartment in the back seat, stare at it with raised eyebrows, and then say “Patricia R. Ladd, why do you own this?” in a disgusted tone.

In penance for this: I vow to NOT punch them in the face.

Confession: I stole a full set of cutlery from the Servery
Which I am using EVEN NOW, hundreds of miles away. Just like my embarrassing library fines, I didn’t do this on purpose either. I just sort of found various spoons and forks and knives in various purses and book bags while attempting to pack. On the plus side, it can be very useful to have a fork in your purse, in case someone offers you free but messy food while out and about. On the minus side, they tend to look at you a little funny, and I may be the sole reason why the Servery is losing money.

In Penance for this: I vow to only eat with said cutlery things worthy of the Servery. Meaning anything I cook while really tired or am having one of those haphazard “well, I’m sure applesauce is a fine substitution for flour” kind of days.

There. Now my conscience is clear.

1. Wait six months on the waiting list at the library, enjoy the indignity when it finally comes in and the librarian has to pull Twilight from behind the desk and check it out for you, know that she is SO JUDGING YOU right now
2. Ask a teen girl about it, listen to two hours of “OH MY GOD EDWARD SO HOT!”, commit suicide
3. Actually pay money for it, hate yourself forever
4. Listen to my review, since I have successfully completed #1 on this list with my librarian-fu for the first three books. It is as follows:

Twilight
I was still 167 on the waiting list at the Humble Community Library after four months, when my secret santa gave me this for Christmas, along with The Ruins, apparently because it’s too awkward for a college guy to buy Twilight on his own. Totally understandable. If there’s one thing I’ve learned at the library, it’s that even if they seem disinterested, WE ARE JUDGING YOU BY WHAT YOU READ.
Here’s a brief summary of the “action”:

Back of the Book: I knew three things. 1. Edward was a vampire. 2. Part of him would always hunger for my blood. 3. I was irrevocably in love with him.

Bella throughout most of the Book: Edward is so beautiful! And strong! And fast! And only comes out on overcast days! I wonder why he’s so… mysterious? This foreshadowing might even be interesting if I wasn’t undermined by my own cover art!

Edward: Stay away from me, Bella! I’m dangerous! [pause] J/k! I love you and will NEVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE EVER!

Bella: How could you love me when I’m so ugly and klutzy and boring?

Edward: That would be easier to believe if every other male character weren’t constantly trying to get in your pants.

Edward’s Family: We are “vegetarian” vampires and only eat animals, not humans!

Evil Nomad Vampires: We aren’t! Also, we’re going to eat Bella.

Edward: NOOOOO! The only plan that makes sense is for you to escape with my vampire sister to Arizona where your mother lives!

Bella: That’s what they’ll expect me to do!

Edward: Which is why it’s THE LAST THING THEY’D EXPECT us to ACTUALLY do! It’s too obvious!

Evil Vampire on Phone: I know you’re here in Phoenix, Bella. And if you come alone to your old dance studio, I may even let your mother go!

Bella: (after cleverly escaping her vampire protectors by pointing and saying “Hey, what’s that over there?” and running the other way) Hey! You don’t have my mother held captive! She’s in Florida!

Evil Vampire: Ha ha ha! You’ve fallen for my clever plan! Now I will kill you, because your blood smells like crack!

Bella: NOOOOOOOOO!

Evil Vampire: (bites her arm)

Edward: NOOOOOOOO! (kills Evil Vampire)

Carlisle, Edward’s Dad: She’ll become a vampire soon! Quick, we have to suck the poison out!

Edward: But her blood tastes like crack! What if I can’t stop and kill her?

Carlisle: Whatevs.

Bella: (wakes up in hospital) I’m alive! Oh, uh… don’t worry, Mom and Dad! I just fell down the stairs.

Mom and Dad: We believe you! After all, it’s already been established that you’re SO KLUTZY!

Edward: Let’s go to prom and not worry about the Evil Vampire’s two friends who I’m sure will never bother us again!
The End

So that’s basically it, just imagine more sexual tension, since, because Bella’s blood smells like crack, THEY CAN BARELY TOUCH without Edward wigging out and trying to eat her. You know, the usual highschool angst.

New Moon

Bella: Whoops, paper cut.

Jasper, Edward’s brother: Hey, let me help you with that BY EATING YOU!

Edward: (delivers a smack down) Bella… that was too close. I will only put you in danger. My family and I are leaving this rain-drenched, Pacific Northwest small town forever!

Bella: NOOOOOOOOO! (runs into the woods, curls up into a ball)

Sam, Native American Super Man: Hey, chief. Found your daughter trying to die of hypothermia in the woods! Here you go!

Bella’s Dad, Police Chief: OMG YOU STAY AWAY FROM MYSTERIOUS PALE STRANGERS! You are only allowed to hang out with mysterious Native Americans from now on!

Bella: Okay, after I’m done with my three months of emo zombie grief.

Billy: Hey, Bella. As your father’s close, Native American friend, I thought maybe you’d want to hang with my Native American son, Jacob.

Jacob: Like every male, I am also totally trying to get in your pants. Also, I can build motorcycles!

Bella: Cool, because I pretty much want to die. Only when I’m doing something reckless and death-defying can I hear sweet Edward’s voice, cautioning me to stop…

Patricia: So… this is some kind of mystical vampire connection?

Bella: Nope. Just crazy.

Jacob: PS, I’m a werewolf. And so are a lot of guys in my tribe. Vampires are our natural enemy.

Bella: Whatevs.

Evil Vampire Lady from the First Book: Edward killed my mate, so I will kill his!

Jacob: Werewolf squad, help me protect Bella!

Bella: While they’re in the forest trying to track down my potential murderer, I’m going to go cliff diving alone, just for giggles.

Alice, Edward’s psychic sister: OMGWTF EDWARD BELLA JUST JUMPED OFF A CLIFF

Edward: And so I too must die. But since I’m a vampire and we are hardy like William Marsh Rice, I must journey to Italy and piss off the uber-vampires there.

Bella: (totally survives)

Alice: OMGWTF Now we have to go to Italy and save Edward!

Bella and Alice: (go to Italy and save Edward)

Uber-Vampires: Hm. A mortal girl that knows too much about us. It’s cool, we’ll just kill her.

Edward: NO!

Uber-Vampires: Okay, then make her a vampire too.

Edward: NO!

Bella: Um, why not?

Edward: Because IT WOULD DESTROY YOUR SOUL!

Bella: Really?

Edward: No clue. The answer is still no.

Carlisle, Edward’s Dad: Don’t worry, kid. I got your back. I’ll totally make you a vampire after you graduate from highschool.

Bella: Sweet!

Jacob: The vampire is back? I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN, BELLA. So much sexual tension, wasted!

Alice: Hey, what about Evil Vampire Lady? Are we not… are we not worried about her anymore?

Edward: I’m sure she’s given up and will never bother us again!
The End

Eclipse

Edward: You are not allowed to see your werewolf friend, Jacob. Too dangerous!

Bella: (sneaks out all the time to see werewolf friend, Jacob)

Edward: GAH! I’m locking you in my room whenever I have to leave your side!

Jacob: I’m still in love with you. I WILL WIN YOU FROM THAT BLOODSUCKER.

Bella: Whatever. I’ll be a vampire soon, then no one’s going to tell me what to do!

Edward: Why wait till graduation? I’ll turn you into a vampire whenever you want-

Bella: Yay!

Edward: –if you marry me!!!

Bella: NEVER! Marriage is an outdated socialized misogyny! Also, my mom got married right out of highschool and look what happened! NEVER!

Bella’s Dad, Police Chief: There’s a serial killer loose in Seattle! Also, I want to have an awkward convo about safe sex, despite the fact that you are a virgin since your boyfriend can’t get near you without trying to kill you. Epic lulz!

Alice, Edward’s Psychic Sister: Actually, that’s no serial killer. That’s an army of newborn vampires!! They’re erratic and super strong and led by someone who’s COMING DOWN HERE TO KILL BELLA!

Bella: OMGOD could it be Evil Vampire Lady from Books 1 and 2?

Edward: (shrugs) Probably not. Okay, we’re vastly outnumbered–

Jacob: My werewolf crew will help you! Even though you are still our natural enemies and are about to kill the woman I love to make her a vampire!

Edward: Cool. Let’s make a convoluted plan involving confusing them with Bella’s scent, a camping trip, and an ambush in the woods! But first–

Bella: Edward! There are some human things I want to do before I become inhuman.

Edward: You got it, babe.

Bella: No, I mean some really human things.

Edward: Like getting college loans?

Bella: (starts undressing him)

Edward: BAD TOUCH! (manacles her to bed) Bella, I can’t let you do this. Vampire schools only teach abstinence-only and I DON’T WANT YOU TO GO TO HELL.

Bella: But what if after I become a vampire, I’m only interested in killing the entire town and not getting it on? (Note: This is almost exactly what she really says in the book, except “getting it on” is the more euphemistic “caring about you”)

Edward: I’m trying to save your soul, you whore! We can do this before you become a vampire if you want, IF we get married first.

Bella: You’re chaining me to a bed to avoid sexy time and press your marriage suit? Oh, home schooled kids!

Edward: I’ve got this big diamond.

Bella: Okay, fine.

Bella: (during scent-confusing camping trip) SSSSSOOOOO COOOOLDDDD!

Edward: I can’t help, since I am a vampire and am naturally “cold and hard as stone”.

Jacob: Do not even worry! I am a werewolf and we are always H-O-T-T hot!! Also, my body temperature’s pretty high. I’ll just crawl into this sleeping bag with your frostbitten fiance.

Edward: DISLIKE.

Jacob: OMG! The fight is starting in that clearing over there! Gotta go! And… since you don’t love me, Bella, I’ll probably just get myself killed.

Bella: Wait! Don’t do that! Kiss me!

Jacob: Yes! Reverse psychology always works!

Bella: Oh no! Filled with regret!

Edward: It’s my fault for loving you too much… or something…

Evil Vampire Lady: Wah ha ha! I left my army of newborn vampires to distract your family so I could come for you and your crack-blood girlfriend!!!

Edward: WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED?

Evil Vampire Lady and Edward: (fight)

Bella: I may be only a mortal, but I must do something! (cuts self with a big rock)

Evil Vampire Lady: Why is your chick wigging out?

Edward: DIEEEEEE! (kills Evil Vampire Lady)

Jacob: Little help, guys! I’m like… cut in half over here!

Carlisle, Vampire Doctor: You’ll be fine. Take some advil.

Bella: JACOB!!! NOOOOOO!!!! I have to tell you… before you collapse from mild pain… I love you!

Jacob: Sweet!! I am the best kisser!

Bella: Just… not enough.

Jacob: Crap.

Bella: In the natural world, you would be my soul mate. But Edward and our love are entirely… unnatural.

Jacob: Way to hit a guy when he’s down.

Edward: (sends him wedding invitation to twist the knife)
The End

Unfortunately, I am still on the waiting list for the fourth and last book, but I literally CANNOT wait. Stephanie Meyer–who claims the plot of Twilight came to her in a dream, ps–is clearly trying to write the worst book I, personally, have ever read, and is succeeding beyond her wildest imaginings! S&M AND Christian fundamentals! Love it! My next review will probably be comparing the badness of Breaking Dawn, the last book, to the badness of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. It’s going to be a close one.

Ed. 08/06/09: The review of the fourth book is here, although I must warn you, it’s beyond horrible. The book, not the review.