December 17th, 2009 by pladd
Monday I decided it would be super cool if I could bake pirate gingerbread men for my 5th grade reading class. They’re basically just like normal gingerbread men, but you break off legs (or arms or heads) and use Popsicle sticks to make “pegs”. Then we could have a writing assignment where you: 1) Name your pirate, 2) Tell how he lost his arm(s)/leg(s)/head, and 3) write about if he likes being a pirate. This was easier conceived than accomplished.
This guy lost his legs in a bet over a heated game of Blokus.
First off, it was WAY hard to find a gingerbread man cookie cutter. I thought that grocery stores would have them as part of their Christmas display, but no luck. The nearby cooking-utensil-selling store didn’t have them either, and neither did Target or Bed, Bath, and Beyond. We finally found one at Michael’s that is actually made of silicone and supposed to be for making small, gingerbread man shaped pancakes, but it worked just as well.
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Posted in Cool Things |
December 15th, 2009 by pladd
Essay excerpts:
My planet is called ChocolateLand because it is entirely made of chocolate. If you go there, you’ll have to meet everybody, but watch out! They will probably try to lick you because this is how they greet each other. Their food is sugar.
The kids on my planet get taught by wizards. They learn magic, fighting, growing plants, and hypnotism.
If you do something bad, you get sent back to Earth. Or you go to the mines, where they mine for water, which is very rare.
On my planet it rains dolphins.
Posted in transcripts |
November 17th, 2009 by pladd
Me: You aren’t reducing these fractions; do this page over.
Girl: OMG! Fine. Wait, do you even know what OMG means?
Me: OF COURSE I do. My generation invented OMG.
Other Girl: Yeah, she’s not THAT old, God. Everyone knows that OMG means Oh My God!!
Yet Another Girl: Yeah, both ways of TAKING THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN!
Other Girls: (awkward silence)
Me: Yeah, so reduce these fractions.
And then today:
Me: Yeah, you will have to shuffle these flashcards yourself, I cut my thumb this weekend and now I can’t do a surprising amount of things. Like texting. It’s mad annoying.
Girl: You TEXT?!?!
Me: OF COURSE! Why is that so surprising?
Girl: It’s just… my parents don’t know how to text.
Me: I’m not the same age as your parents. I’m closer to YOU than to your parents.
Girl: Um, whatever, you can DRIVE.
Me: OMG.
And, to twist the knife:
Boy: Why is there a drawing of a birthday cake on that whiteboard?
Me: I don’t know, it was just there.
Boy: Is today your birthday?!? Are you thirty?!?
Me: WHAT? No! I’m only twenty-two!
Boy: Oh. Well, that’s only eight away from thirty.
Me: (sigh) Good mental subtraction.
If you’re interested, I’m up to about 26,000 words on my novel, about half of which is from the perspective of Middle School Patricia. Mr. Snape Darcy, her dream man, makes regular appearances. It’s pretty epic.
Posted in transcripts |
November 6th, 2009 by pladd
Monday, tutoring group
Boy: Ugh, I hate it when my phone vibrates, it feels like my leg is going to fall off.
Me: Who’s calling you?
Boy: My friend. He probably wants to come over and play Xbox.
Me: You have an Xbox? Wish I had an Xbox.
Boy: Psh, you can’t play Xbox, it’s for boys!
Girl: Nu-uh!
Me: Are you a video game chauvinist?
Boy: Name one Xbox game.
Me: I can’t have an Xbox, I’m too poor.
Tuesday, tutoring group
Girl: Where do you live?
Me: You’re just trying to distract me so I won’t make you do more decimal division.
Girl: No, I really want to know! I love decimal division! Decimal division is for rockers! (does rockers sign)
Me: ….. Awesome.
Girl: You’re kind of helping so you can be like my backup singer. Or second guitar.
Me: That’s like… my dream.
Wednesday, tutoring group
Girl: Do I really have to keep multiplying fractions? I know it already!
Me: Okay, do the Challenge page. That will prove to me that you’re a MASTER!
Girl: Whatever.
Me: (to the tune of the Pokemon theme song) I WANNA BE THE BEST AT MATH, like no one ever was. TO MULTIPLY FRACTIONS IS MY REAL TEST, TO REDUCE THEM IS MY CAUSE…
Girl: You are the most annoying tutor ever.
Me: You mean you’re not so inspired right now?
Girl: Can I be with Mr. Cameron next time?
Then I realized that my tutoring kids are probably too young to even know what Pokemon is, let alone know the theme song. To be fair, the only reason I do is because Thomas had the CD and made us listen to it in the car for a period of two months. Rob also told me that the kids he works with had no idea what a velociraptor was because they were too young to have ever seen Jurassic Park. And if they did see it, they would probably be all “This movie sucks. That dinosaur doesn’t even look real!” IN MY DAY we made do with moderately realistic computer animated dinosaurs and puppets! Kids today. Ridiculous.
Posted in transcripts |