Graduate Orientation: Dueling Perspectives

August 21st, 2009 by pladd

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Dean of Admissions, Welcoming Speaker: In conclusion, your only limit is your own imagination!
(Actual quote. He probably thought it would be mad insightful when he heard it on Mighty Max reruns, which, incidentally, are all available on youtube. I know what I’m doing this weekend)

Old Science Guy, Keynote Speaker: You’d better be doing something you enjoy, because it’s probably just going to fail anyway.
(Seriously. His speech was a total of six minutes, and also included “Do you think I’m still doing this for the money? I’m a Nobel Laureate. I can do what I want. And that’s science. Look at this science I did today! And I’m 84. I’m done now.”)

Posted in transcripts |

Blog Fail

June 30th, 2009 by pladd

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Yesterday:

Steven: So I fixed that updating thing. On your blog.
Me: (distracted by painting toenails hot pink) What?
Steven: You know, how it wouldn’t update? Even though it was supposed to? I fixed it.
Me: What? I don’t remember that.
Steven: Well, I fixed it.
Me: Oh, well good. Hey, you should see this nail polish! It’s like “BAM! TOENAILS!”
Steven: Ummmm…. yeah.

Today:
(after completing a thoughtful research mission for an insightful and lyric blog post)
Me: Hmmmmm…. so with this new update, any kind of picture will make my website die? That’s…. interesting. Well, I’m hungry.

Stand by.

Posted in transcripts |

Transcripts: Thomas Misses Wiess (More than I do?)

June 19th, 2009 by pladd

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Thomas: I miss Rob.
Me: Yeah, me too.
Thomas: And Josh. They should come back. And bring Roque. And JerBear. And all of Wiess.
Me: It seems like that would get kind of crowded.
Thomas: They could sleep in my room on the air mattress.
Me: Okay…
Thomas: Except for Roque and JerBear. They can sleep with me.

Posted in transcripts |

The Creative Process: Long Island Iced Tea Version

May 5th, 2009 by pladd

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For some reason, Anna Baron has commissioned me to write a One Act for her to direct next year. Thinking that this year’s play would be my last chance to show off my “forgettable dialogue” as the Thresher put it, I’ve already used up all my good ideas. Seriously, here’s the list I brought to college. I think it applies, not only to one acts, but to life:

Patricia’s List of Good Ideas
1. LIVE ANIMALS
2. Witches!
3. More singing
4. Tape inanimate objects to people as much as possible
5. Find silly nickname–ADJUST WARDROBE ACCORDINGLY
6. This:

Yeah, that's Dhruv in a leotard and tutu made for six-year-old girls

Yeah, that's Dhruv in a leotard and tutu made for six-year-old girls

As you can see, I’ve already used up all of them because, unlike THE 434, I’m good at completing lists. This means I’ll either have to write a whole new list of good ideas (though I can’t see how it’ll beat that one) or attempt to use the same one over again without anyone noticing. But how can we get Dhruv back into that tutu? And can I somehow make it a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure One Act? I’ll ponder these.

Lately, my strategy has become sitting down in the depressingly empty Wiess commons at meals and announcing, “So I have to write this one act…” and then making a list of everything people suggest. In the end, all I’ll have to do is find a way to squish everything on the list into one play. It’s the Long Island Iced Tea version of the creative process. AND IT ALWAYS WORKS. Here are just some of the gems I got tonight:

Dr. Gustin: You should write about a married couple!
Denise: You should write about your road trip!
Dr. Gustin: Wait, you could have some kind of trial and then pick audience members to be part of the jury! It could be a different outcome each night!
Me: So a choose-your-own-adventure couple’s road trip courtroom drama?
Roque: Ummmm… (his face says he wants to be the voice of reason, but he’s just not man enough)
Me: Genius!

And clearly the best way to get inspiration for this epic tale of melodrama and audience participation is to experience my OWN courtroom drama on our road trip. Like most of my goals, this one can easily be solved with a simple game of Truth or Dare. Here’s the plan I’m going to whip out about half-way up the Pacific Coast:

Me: TRUTH or DARE?
Steven: Ummmmm… Truth.
Me: That’s the wuss answer.
Steven: Okay, dare.
Me: I dare you to steal the World’s Largest Holstein Cow! Pride of New Salem, North Dakota!!
Steven: Crap.

That should get the job done.

Oh, and I’ve declared myself the Winner of the Cookie Self-Portrait Contest. My Secret Mystery Prize is not having to come up with a Secret Mystery Prize. Thanks for your votes/nitpicking (Brian).

Posted in Road Trip, Uncategorized, transcripts |

Despite the Rainpocalypse, THE TRUTH WILL PREVAIL

April 28th, 2009 by pladd

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When the weather is this bad, I tend to blame it for absolutely everything wrong with my life, including my inability to access my blog from my lap top. Usually that alone would be enough to trigger my intense paranoia, but it seems to only happen on Tuesday and Friday mornings when I want to update my blog. It says WITHOUT FAIL in the top right hand corner there. I can’t ignore those capital letters. So for the second time this week I have dutifully walked down to the Wiess computer lab to work on it there, which seems to annoy the people around me who have actual work to finish. Also, me, because I like to write in my pajamas. Friday, I grudgingly got dressed before warning you about the dangers of Rachel Liontas, but today I’ve given up. Steven Wiggins, itinerant webmaster, at first told me I was crazy. Then, when Roque also complained that he could not see my blog, he decided to investigate, and then decided to blame WordPress or some server or something. He says it will be okay by the end of this week, but I think it is some conspiracy perpetuated by Brian Reinhart. He seemed pretty upset when I saw him last Friday.

Ostensibly, he dropped by on a “I’m never going to see you again because I’m going home tomorrow” visit (the VERY day the Rainpocalypse began–a little TOO convenient). Along with his sadness, however, he brought along two reusable Target bags full of newspapers, claiming that I could take them to IKEA and exchange them for food.

Brian Reinhart: I view IKEA as the greatest triumph of modern capitalism.

Only later did I find out this was A LIE. You CANNOT exchange newspaper for food at IKEA and now there’s a 20-inch stack of newspapers in my room I don’t know what to do with. I can only make so many funny hats, Brian. I would just recycle them to make Jeremy Caves happy (my goal in life) and think nothing of it, except for Brian’s OTHER comments on that fateful Friday.

Brian Reinhart: I saw your blog. (dramatic pause) You think it’s over because there’s no Thresher this week. But you just wait. You forgot the GRADUATE EDITION.
Me: I have no idea what that is.
Brian Reinhart: OH, YOU’LL SEE! (maniacal laughter)

I don’t know if he realizes that, after every “last” issue of The Thresher, I WILL STILL HAVE A BLOG. You can’t turn off the Internet, Brian.

And just when I was about to shout that at him I realized: that’s what he’s been doing. It’s not the server or WordPress or the other things Steven Wiggins has claimed so it looks like he knows what he’s doing; it’s BRIAN REINHART trying to STIFLE THE TRUTH. AND CAPITAL LETTERS. As Bo will tell you from his career as a Wiess President who often says things he regrets at Cabinet, I firmly believe that The People Have a Right To Know, but mostly just Nobody Tells Me What To Do. And that includes you, Mr. Calendar Page. Bring it.

In other news, despite Brian’s Rainpocalypse, we managed to complete another List item #88 this weekend by, not only going to see Molly and the Ringwalds at the Continental Club, but singing on stage with them:

As you can see by the dancing drunk girl, it was a wild success

As you can see by the dancing drunk girl, it was a wild success

We got made fun of a lot (by the band) for being “babies” and, in the case of Rachel and Bova, for forming a “Tall Girl Club” that the lead singer could not join. Still, we prevailed. Livin’ On a Prayer was never shrieked into a microphone so well. (I am noticably absent from this THE 434 picture because Patricia Ladd does not sing in public ever since a traumatic incident in the sixth grade.)

Posted in The List, Uncategorized, transcripts |

Misguided Travel Guide: Humble, Texas

April 21st, 2009 by pladd

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After four years at Rice even the most reclusive among us tend to pick up at least a little bit of knowledge about Houston, such as where the closest Whataburger is and what animals have lately been caught in precarious yet adorable situations thanks to the H-Chron’s hard-hitting reporting. However, when it comes to Houston’s surroundings, I’m guessing most of you only know where to find the airport, pretty much the only reason normal people visit Humble, Texas. As an un-normal person whose fiance happens to live there, I can fill you in on what you’ve been missing.

1. Its Wikipedia Page

My favorite fact about Humble is definitely that its Wikipedia Page features this picture prominently:

You Know Your Town Is Classy when the Highway Exit to get to it is a "Point of Interest"

You Know Your Town Is Classy when the Highway Exit to get to it is a "Point of Interest"

2. The Dump

Now with ravenous bands of seagulls!

Now with ravenous bands of seagulls!

Little known fact: all of Rice’s trash ends up here in the Atascocita Landfill! If you ever want to revisit that old 80s costume you couldn’t bear to look at anymore or the Bio homework you threw out after you dropped being a premed and started having a life, Humble is the place to go! This is by far the biggest and most important aspect of Humble. Apart from the airport, natch.

3. It’s Pronounced without the “H”

The first time I heard about Humble was on my second date with Steven Wiggins (the first being Screw Date), during which a drunk man at a bowling alley told us that his girlfriend was also from there, and that she often beat him for pronouncing the “H”.

Drunk Man: Man, how am I supposed to know you don’t say the H, man? It has an H! What are we, man, French or something?
Steven: Lots of people make that mistake. It’s no big deal.
Drunk Man: (big, scared eyes) My girlfriend once kicked me right in the balls for saying the H. (to me, loudly) DON’T SAY THE H! WHATEVER YOU DO!
Me: Okay.
Drunk Man: Okay. (pause) Do you want to be on my bowling league?

Naturally, this made a lasting impression.

4. “The Fast Food Capital of Texas”

Steven’s particular suburb of Humble, Atascocita, touts itself on its own website as being “The Fast Food Capital of Texas”, an impressive claim, which they back up with the admittedly solid evidence of this logo collage:

Hey, at least they're proud

Hey, at least they're proud

MS Paint: clearly the best way to prove any point. I’m not sure if this claim is legitimately true, but they do have at least six Sonics within a ten minute radius of Steven’s house. He already google Earthed our apartment in Chapel Hill next year and discovered the nearest Sonic is thirty minutes away. He has thus deemed Chapel Hill a “thirsty wasteland”.

5. The Park That Claims to have Buffalo

When I first went to this park, on the shores of murky Lake Houston, I kept seeing these signs for buffalo but was unable to locate them:

Granted, it's a confusing sign. Is it a buffalo or Jeremy Caves?

Granted, it's a confusing sign. Is it a buffalo or Jeremy Caves?

I guess I was envisioning herds of mighty bison having free run of the park, crashing children’s birthday parties and smashing the pinatas beneath their hooves. In reality this is not a “Caution: Buffalo” sign but a “This way, down a road that looks closed you can see some clearly malnourished and miniature buffalo” sign. I guess I just didn’t realize that the drawing on the sign is actually to scale. In conclusion: Buffalo at Humble’s parks=mad anti-climactic.

Posted in Misguided Travel Guides, list |

Thomas: The Exit Interview

March 30th, 2009 by pladd

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After spending a full three days at Rice–including being kidnapped by freshmen a few times–I decided to give my younger brother Thomas an exit interview to see if the Ladd Awesomeness will continue at Rice long after I am gone.

Me: What did you think of the Servery?
Thomas: Better than I expected. And surprisingly easy to sneak in to.

Me: Who would win in a fight: the third floor pigeon or the fourth floor rat?
Thomas: The fourth floor rat because the pigeon has eggs to protect. The rat has nothing to lose and can use that to his advantage.

Me: What would you say is the number one threat to student safety on Rice campus?
Thomas: You. You and your List of Things To Do This Semester. You and your aggression towards JerBear.
Me: Who’s JerBear?
Thomas: Jeremy [Caves].
Me: Why do you call him JerBear?
Thomas: He’s cuddly. And has a typewriter.

Me: Who would win in a fight: JerBear or Roque?
Thomas: Roque. Because solar panels beat typewriters. And bears.

Jeremy: Hey, I talked to my parents and they said it was totally cool for you to stay at our house on your road trip.
Me: Cool. Also, would it be okay if I called you ‘JerBear’ from now on?
Jeremy: No, that would not be okay.
Thomas: I’m doing it. It must be cool.
Jeremy: You’re leaving so I don’t care. (turns back to me) You can’t.
Me: Okay, we’ll talk about it later.
Jeremy:CAN’T. (walks away)
Me: Yeah, we’ll see.

Posted in transcripts |

The Passing of an Era

March 25th, 2009 by pladd

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Officially not Secretary anymore as of last night… but still typing up transcripts!

Laura: I impeach Patricia because (something unintelligible about the PDR)
Bo: That’s not good enough! How many times have we been the victim of Patricia’s bitter–you know, just raise your hand if you haven’t been made fun of. (three people raise their hands)
Me: That’s probably because I don’t know your names.
Mason: Ohhhh, and that’s everyone.

Posted in transcripts |

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