Then they made plans for my future career as a window washing robot (one girl wanted me to be a Roomba instead) and it took so long to get them back on task that they rushed the test and got a bunch wrong. Ah, job security.

Anyway, since I am nothing if not organized, I’ve decided to plan ahead and think of other possible awesome job ideas. To help me, I’ve assigned all my fifth graders to write five paragraph essays about “What would the best job ever be and why?” But so far all I’ve gotten were doctor and astrophysicist. I know, lame. When I was in fifth grade I would have totally written about either water slide tester or Disney princess.

Although I’m not entirely without hope:

Boy: Can it be ANY job?
Me: Anything. Even water slide tester.
Boy: I don’t know if that’s a real job.
Me: I think it is. But even if it wasn’t, made up jobs are okay too.
Boy: Alright, I’m going to choose shark.
Me: What?
Boy: Shark.
Me: Ummm… can you think of three reasons to write paragraphs about?
Boy: OF COURSE! You get to eat people, you get to swim around, AND you get to BE A SHARK.
Me: I know this class doesn’t have grades, but you just earned an A+.

So yeah, so far it’s looking like shark is the best bet.

Next week I will get confused parents escorting in aliens holding soccer balls covered in molding clay asking me why their homework was to dress like aliens and how that will help them pass the EOG. I just know it.

Girl 1: … and then I’ll have to sit with the adults at dinner and it will be SOOOOO boring.
Me: Yeah. Adults can be way boring.
Girl 1: I mean, YOU don’t count as an adult.
Me: Really?
Girl 1: Yeah, you have to be married first.
Me: Okay. I’ll remember that.
Girl 1: AND you have the mind of a kid!
Me: ….
Girl 1: It’s a good thing!!!
Me: Okay. Thanks.

List of Ridiculous People I Have Seen On the Bus
1. Guy in trench coat and Dr. Seuss hat. Added weirdness: this was before it got cold out, so there was really no reason for long sleeves.
2. Mystical Gypsy Fortune Teller Lady. You know that stereotypical character the heroes in the movie/tv show always consult once randomly about their fate/birth mark/mysterious past? I sat next to her on the bus once.
3. Girl with large, oddly red layer cake. It was like blood red, and huge.
4. Small child that stared at me, making roaring noises for fifteen minutes. ROARRRRRR!
5. Mormons. Asking everyone who got on what questions they would like to ask God. I said, “Why are manatees such useless wastes of space?” They chose to ignore this, but my follow up question would have been, “If he’s so omnipotent, why couldn’t he make them to get out of the way of my speed boat?”
6. No Pants Girl. First day of legit chilly weather and she was wearing a sheer skirt and a thong. How do I know she was wearing a thong? Because her skirt had no lining so I could see it. Well, more like I could see that she wasn’t wearing anything else more substantive. She seemed confused.
7. Sleepologist girl. Today I overheard this conversation–actually, overheard is maybe a misleading word. I was standing five people away from these two and couldn’t HELP hearing because the one was pretty much shouting:
Girl 2: cuts everyone in line to stand in front of Girl 1′s face HEY!
Girl 1: makes some kind of sleepy grunt noise
Girl 2: HEY! What time did you go to bed last night?
Girl 1: I don’t know.
Girl 2: WHAT TIME?
Girl 1: I really don’t know.
Girl 2: I WILL NOT ASK YOU AGAIN!!!
Girl 1: I guess around 3.
Girl 2: THREE?!?!?! You NEED to SLEEP!
Girl 1: I did sleep.
Girl 2: ONLY FOUR HOURS IS NOT SLEEP.
Then they had a brief debate about exactly how many hours and minutes she’d slept. This seemed to be confused by the fact that they kept hearing the other say different times, and neither seemed to be able to subtract in base sixty
Girl 2: Well, whatever. THERE IS NO WAY THAT WAS REM SLEEP!
Girl 1: Rapid eye movement sleep.
Girl 2: NO, you need AT LEAST six hours a night. And NO sleeping in the library! And no excuses about coffee.
Girl 1: It was Mountain Dew or whatever.
Girl 2: NO EXCUSE! Watch TV for thirty minutes under the blanket, lie on your bed in the dark, close your eyes, and try to think calming thoughts.
The bus arrives. I sit near the front. They sit in the back. Despite other people on the bus, I still hear vague shouts of “SLEEP!” and “THIS IS NOT A REQUEST!” throughout the bus ride.

I can only assume Girl 2 was some kind of sleepologist in training and Girl 1 was her test subject who kept refusing to follow orders.

July 2008
“If I can’t fuel my car with them, what am I supposed to do with all these cans of creamed corn?”

September 2008
Dear James Fox,
The narrative force behind my dream last night was rescuing you from the Amish. I’m not sure why they wanted you in the first place, but it would explain your fear of modern things like shaving and haircuts. If you are actually being held hostage by the Amish, I will of course rush to your aid. Although I suppose I would hear about it by carrier pigeon or through the Amish Underground Railroad, not email. It will be just like my dream except Rob will not be there complaining the whole time and I may actually do something useful instead of running away from haunted trees. Apparently Amish country is full of them. In conclusion, sorry I didn’t rescue you from the Amish. I promise to try harder next time/in real life.
Patricia”

October 2008
“Rachel says you are only allowed to cheat on your boyfriend if you are in another country (where it doesn’t count), with a foreign exchange student (like being in another country), or with someone who has the same name as your boyfriend (comes with the good excuse: “Well… he said his name was Steven… I thought it was you”. Understandable mistake.)”

December 2008
“I am not saving you from zombies. You took the class; you fend for yourself. That’s the deal. Besides I’ll have other stuff to worry about, like looting and making sure I’m the second hottest person in my Zombie Fighting Team (one hot person always dies so that you know it’s serious). Just fyi. It’s good to be ready for any eventuality”

February 2009 (to Rob, after he complained about law school not emailing him back)
“Here is an email for you when you obsessively check your email looking to hear from law
school! You may not know if you’re in there yet or not (you will be) but here are some
other things you’ve gotten into:

–Team Gemini
–People Who Visited Patricia In Scotland Support Group
–Secret Society of List Completers
–The Soft Hair Alliance
–National Honors Society of Excellence

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

You may wish to update your resume right away! Please inform us as soon as possible (by
February 1st) if you accept these many accolades since we have a long waiting list of
less qualified applicants who we will grudgingly accept after weeping at your rejection.

With dignity and acceptance,
The Patricia Institute of Awards and Societies”

March 2009
“You just made me remember that I was obsessed with Pangea as a child. I think it was a wider manifestation of my obsessive compulsive need to complete (“fix”) all jigsaw puzzles within sight. Luckily, I am now able to look at a map without getting a headache and feeling the need to move South America around. Also, I was under the impression that Pangea had chocolate milk rivers.
It’s a logical assumption”

March 2009
“Bridget is dead.

Apparently her immortality just was no match for another day of Willy Week. Phil the
Archivist told me that she’s probably ascended and is now the Alpha Beta. I was comforted
even though I’m pretty sure he just wanted an excuse to make that joke.”

Oh, the memories.

And then today:

Me: Yeah, you will have to shuffle these flashcards yourself, I cut my thumb this weekend and now I can’t do a surprising amount of things. Like texting. It’s mad annoying.
Girl: You TEXT?!?!
Me: OF COURSE! Why is that so surprising?
Girl: It’s just… my parents don’t know how to text.
Me: I’m not the same age as your parents. I’m closer to YOU than to your parents.
Girl: Um, whatever, you can DRIVE.
Me: OMG.

And, to twist the knife:

Boy: Why is there a drawing of a birthday cake on that whiteboard?
Me: I don’t know, it was just there.
Boy: Is today your birthday?!? Are you thirty?!?
Me: WHAT? No! I’m only twenty-two!
Boy: Oh. Well, that’s only eight away from thirty.
Me: (sigh) Good mental subtraction.

If you’re interested, I’m up to about 26,000 words on my novel, about half of which is from the perspective of Middle School Patricia. Mr. Snape Darcy, her dream man, makes regular appearances. It’s pretty epic.

Tuesday, tutoring group
Girl: Where do you live?
Me: You’re just trying to distract me so I won’t make you do more decimal division.
Girl: No, I really want to know! I love decimal division! Decimal division is for rockers! (does rockers sign)
Me: ….. Awesome.
Girl: You’re kind of helping so you can be like my backup singer. Or second guitar.
Me: That’s like… my dream.

Wednesday, tutoring group
Girl: Do I really have to keep multiplying fractions? I know it already!
Me: Okay, do the Challenge page. That will prove to me that you’re a MASTER!
Girl: Whatever.
Me: (to the tune of the Pokemon theme song) I WANNA BE THE BEST AT MATH, like no one ever was. TO MULTIPLY FRACTIONS IS MY REAL TEST, TO REDUCE THEM IS MY CAUSE…
Girl: You are the most annoying tutor ever.
Me: You mean you’re not so inspired right now?
Girl: Can I be with Mr. Cameron next time?

Then I realized that my tutoring kids are probably too young to even know what Pokemon is, let alone know the theme song. To be fair, the only reason I do is because Thomas had the CD and made us listen to it in the car for a period of two months. Rob also told me that the kids he works with had no idea what a velociraptor was because they were too young to have ever seen Jurassic Park. And if they did see it, they would probably be all “This movie sucks. That dinosaur doesn’t even look real!” IN MY DAY we made do with moderately realistic computer animated dinosaurs and puppets! Kids today. Ridiculous.

Blockbuster Guy: I have the Collector’s Edition of this.
Me: Cool!
Blockbuster Guy: Yeah, and the Jareth action figure.
Me: Of course you have the Jareth action figure.
Blockbuster Guy: This movie is so awesome… it even makes me forgive David Bowie for trying to act.
Me: He was SO acting! He changed tight pants in like every scene! Just when you think there are no more tight pants in the world for David Bowie to wear, HE FINDS SOME!
Blockbuster Guy: I mean… if you’re into that.
Steven: I am already having doubts about the goodness of this movie.

Anyway, Steven learned a valuable lesson about goblins and I made friends with a Blockbuster employee (current life goal), so I feel that, despite a waffle lack, it was a night well spent. But that leaves me with nothing to write about today (besides Blockbuster employees). So, I have decided to help others. Sigh.

The Adventures of Cynthia Bova
As an integral part of THE 434, Bova’s blog is maybe my blog’s sister, or at least some kind of hot cousin. We originally battled for supremacy, but eventually decided that the Internet was big enough for us to coexist. She writes more about her personal life than I do (I only write about mine when it is AWESOME, which is often, so that’s okay) but definitely holds the market share on exclamation point use. My paltry attempts at Bova-levels of punctuation excitement don’t even come close. Also, it’s Bova. Come on.

NASCAR News
My cousin maybe knows too much about NASCAR, to the point where sometimes I don’t understand anything when he talks. Last time I visited, I asked if a NASCAR anchor was what he wanted to be when he grew up, and he gave me this withering look and said, “I am one already.” Clearly. I don’t know what I was thinking. Anyway, despite not understanding the content at all, I still think his videos are super cute, especially when Mr. Biffle, his dog, or Patricia Ladd, his intrepid cousin, are guest anchors. I can’t wait to say that I knew him when he was producing videos in his garage.

Andrew Coffin Fox’s Kind of Emo Extravaganza of Amazingness!!!!!!!
Andrew is apparently really bad at coming up with titles to draw people in (“Andrew Coffin Fox’s Blog”?) so I helped him out here a little. I know, so much with the helping people. I’ll probably have to skip class to go lie down after this. Andrew is one of the infamous Brothers Fox and may or may not be a time traveler (he always denies it when I mention it; that was my first clue). Sometimes it seems like he’s trying to become a modern day Emily Dickinson, but other times there are comics!! Both are good times. Also, the tales of his epic struggle with his arch nemesis, the University of New Hampshire Academic Calendar! One day, Andrew, one day you will prevail. And look! Even though I bet he will never read this (not everyone is generous and amazing and good at wasting time like me), I’m not even saying anything bad about him. THAT’s helping others right there.

Came to my Senses & I chilled for a bit
We all know about my love for Alex Crompton. Naturally I assume that anyone who can run for SA president on the platform that he’s a better kisser than the other candidates has to have amazing post-college adventures. Unfortunately, he does not update enough so I am forced to imagine what he is doing, which is pretty much just as exciting. If he ever does update, I am sure I will be vindicated in thinking that he is becoming pale and tragic in a Parisian cafe trying to win the affections of a deaf Bulgarian immigrant girl while playing the accordion for change in the echoing tiled tunnels of the city Metro. If not, why not?

Okay. I need to go take someone’s seat on the bus to balance myself out.

Me: … so really the fraction bar is just a different way of writing a division sign. We could write this as 1 divided by 2 if we wanted.
Boy: Which is 0.5!!!! That’s so cool! I wonder if my teacher knows that.
Me: Probs.
Boy: What?
Me: It’s actually a math secret I invented.

This kid was literally ridiculously excited about fraction/division/decimal equivalents and could not WAIT to tell his teacher about them.

So last week while in H-Town Steven’s mom bought us some pots and pans. Yay! Now we can cook in more than just a soup pot or the World’s Littlest Frying Pan! However, she also included Steven’s old waffle maker in the box they came in, not realizing that, as part of his random gift giving every time I see him, my Uncle had already given me a brushed silver Industrial Size Belgian Waffle Maker. Literally the same one we had in the servery. Steven’s waffle maker looks puny and weak by comparison, but also scrappy and good at maneuvering. Clearly you know where this is going.

Stay tuned for WAFFLEOFF2009!

My new hobby: counting how many times I hear the word “metadata”. I already got sick of it during orientation so I figured I would masochistically track exactly how many times it’s said this semester by people who are only trying to sound pretentious. Luckily, I am now a graduate student, and not to be intimidated by buzzwords. Neo-classical post-colonial paradigm! Come on, guys, I was an English major. That’s like all we do.
Current “Metadata” count: 17

My tutoring group, asking me about myself to avoid working: “Why do you want to be a librarian when you’re so good at math?” I haven’t been told I was good at math since the ninth grade. Maybe I too could have been an SE with some POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT.

A giant snail with a flashlight in its mouth chasing a stick figure man over the Intro to Cataloging. No one said margin doodles had to make sense.

Number of people I’ve met so far who have heard of Rice before: 2. Way to go, “Who Knew?” Campaign. Way to go.