You may have thought that moving to an entirely different part of the country would alleviate at least some of the constant mortal peril I face daily. But you thought wrong! If anything, I am in even MORE danger. Here are the top three North Carolinian threats to my well-being.
1. Giants
It’s come to my attention that North Carolina seems to be home to a family of giants as absent-minded as they are bone-crunching. They’re so busy eating innocent bystanders that they left their chests of drawers just lying around:
Somewhere there's a giant with cold feet consoling himself by eating a busload full of school children
These drawers are about 40 feet high, and are apparently for rent. They claim to be the World’s Largest Chest of Drawers, but on the drive over near the interstate, we found further damning evidence:
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