Subject: Dispatch from the Front

Dispatch from the Front 2/10/09

Mr. President:
It is cold and foggy STOP Luckily some of us have someone to keep us warm
coughDhruvcoughFiggy STOP West Side Story has angered the Commons studiers beyond reason
STOP Revolution is in the air STOP Danger of a coup STOP Do not trust Erin Waller STOP
Damn seniors always in the OC lounge STOP Suspect them of source of rancid meat smell
STOP Recyclemania Situation Poor: Hanging up bottles in trees and pretending its art STOP
Servery graspin STOP Food rations tightening STOP Under FDR (Jack Hardcastle) this never
would have happened STOP I’m not trying to blame you but I’m just saying STOP
End of transmission

Respectfully compiled by
P. Ladd
Secretary of State

Unfortunately, Bo’s reply was just a reminder to tell everyone that cabinet would be in the WAR room that week. He didn’t really get into the spirit of things.

76. My Bloody Valentine 3D (we became briefly obsessed with the idea of seeing a Valentine’s-themed pick axe massacre movie in 3D in January, but not enough to actually pay money)
77. Walk Creepily
78. Abuse List Serv
79. Tacky Airbrush T-shirts
80. Taaka off
81. Lose newsletter job/List Serv Power
82. Play real pocket tanks
83. BINGO!!!!
84. Write new Twilight
85. Karoke
86. See a psychic
87. Steal Colleen Lamos’ Dog
88. Go see Molly and the Ringwalds
89. Go to brunch
90. Tell Charles Lena our RTV5 show ideas
91. Human Midnight Party (we were also intent on somehow playing Real Life versions of many board games for awhile, including Midnight Party, Clue, Monopoly, and Minesweeper)
92. Perform Brain Surgery on the Uglies
93. Get Prof. Gorrey to throw his iPhone
94. Have our own Wiess Day
95. Drunk Bus—Rice Shuttle!
96. Armadillo Spaghetti Pants
97. Drink on the Inner Loop—French style
98. Go to Gulf Breeze
99. Go to Swirl
100. Hannah Montana Movie! (Rob and I had a brief argument about whether this was momentous enough to be #100 on the list; I admit it: I was totally wrong)

Yesterday I was so distraught at the end of our Servery Challenge days that I decided to challenge Steven Wiggins to a Servery Challenge-like contest in his kitchen: cookie self-portrait. The celebrity judge? Anyone reading my blog! For the first time ever, the challenge will be decided democratically instead of at the whim of Dr. Gustin or whoever.

The first step in the process was a trash-talk filled trip to HEB for ingredients, made all the sketchier because it was nearly midnight and we kept taking pictures of each other.

While my face is smooth like a sugar cookie, Steven's is pock-marked and hideous like chocolate chip.

Naturally, cookie choice was therefore difficult.

Steven attempted ferocity...

… But I could not be frightened away from my goal of TOTAL DOMINATION.

He therefore had to turn to confusion.

I mean, pickles? What?

Upon getting home, Steven immediately pulled a secret stash of Ghirardelli semi-sweet from the freezer and set to work:

A delicate process

I, on the other hand, decided to go for a more artistic approach, choosing instead to title my piece “Patricia Ladd, in the Sixth Grade” since I knew that mere baked goods could never encapsulate my current awesomeness.

Twizzler's are a creative aid in any artistic process

So, final results:

Steven Wiggins (real life)

Steven Wiggins (cookie self-portrait)

“So all my facial hair is made of shaved Ghirardelli chocolate. Ummm… my nose was a pay day, cut into nose shape. My eyes were peeled York Peppermint Patty. And the irises were the peeling. And my lips were red sugar sprinkles. Ah, and my “lucky spot” as Patricia says was a brown M&M mini.”

Patricia Ladd (real life)

Patricia Ladd (sixth grade cookie self-portrait)

As you can see, the hair is made of orange Twizzlers with purple Twizzler pigtail ties, the eyes of coconut jellybeans and blue Easter “jimmies” (whatever that means), the nose of peach jellybeans (with red splots for the inevitable acne), and the mouth from peanuts on a Terry’s chocolate orange with shiny silver sprinkle braces.

I’m actually not sure who won this contest… Steven relied a lot on sculpting and cutting, whereas I more carefully chose ingredients at the store. His shows more dexterity, but mine more creativity (and awesomeness). Not that I’m biased.

So it’s really up to you to comment with who you think should win. I will announce the results (and secret mystery prize) on Tuesday.

Democracy Has Never Tasted so Delicious!

Ostensibly, he dropped by on a “I’m never going to see you again because I’m going home tomorrow” visit (the VERY day the Rainpocalypse began–a little TOO convenient). Along with his sadness, however, he brought along two reusable Target bags full of newspapers, claiming that I could take them to IKEA and exchange them for food.

Brian Reinhart: I view IKEA as the greatest triumph of modern capitalism.

Only later did I find out this was A LIE. You CANNOT exchange newspaper for food at IKEA and now there’s a 20-inch stack of newspapers in my room I don’t know what to do with. I can only make so many funny hats, Brian. I would just recycle them to make Jeremy Caves happy (my goal in life) and think nothing of it, except for Brian’s OTHER comments on that fateful Friday.

Brian Reinhart: I saw your blog. (dramatic pause) You think it’s over because there’s no Thresher this week. But you just wait. You forgot the GRADUATE EDITION.
Me: I have no idea what that is.
Brian Reinhart: OH, YOU’LL SEE! (maniacal laughter)

I don’t know if he realizes that, after every “last” issue of The Thresher, I WILL STILL HAVE A BLOG. You can’t turn off the Internet, Brian.

And just when I was about to shout that at him I realized: that’s what he’s been doing. It’s not the server or WordPress or the other things Steven Wiggins has claimed so it looks like he knows what he’s doing; it’s BRIAN REINHART trying to STIFLE THE TRUTH. AND CAPITAL LETTERS. As Bo will tell you from his career as a Wiess President who often says things he regrets at Cabinet, I firmly believe that The People Have a Right To Know, but mostly just Nobody Tells Me What To Do. And that includes you, Mr. Calendar Page. Bring it.

In other news, despite Brian’s Rainpocalypse, we managed to complete another List item #88 this weekend by, not only going to see Molly and the Ringwalds at the Continental Club, but singing on stage with them:

As you can see by the dancing drunk girl, it was a wild success

We got made fun of a lot (by the band) for being “babies” and, in the case of Rachel and Bova, for forming a “Tall Girl Club” that the lead singer could not join. Still, we prevailed. Livin’ On a Prayer was never shrieked into a microphone so well. (I am noticably absent from this THE 434 picture because Patricia Ladd does not sing in public ever since a traumatic incident in the sixth grade.)

Harmless Gullible Freshman... OR IDENTITY THIEF???

She looks a little TOO happy considering we convinced her to buy most of the Wiess Garage Sale. I mean, don’t get me wrong; I love Rachel Liontas. If there was some kind of bracket system to determine The Best Freshman, she would totally be in my Final Four (now that I think about it, why DON’T we pit the freshmen against each other in a dramatic, death-defying battle for the seniors’ love? Or is that the Freshmen One Acts?). At the wildly successful Wiess Garage Sale, Rachel made off with the following from THE 434′s stash of amazingness: a coconut cup, kickball, Mystery Date Game, pirate hat, Rubix Cube, shiny pink 80s dress, hot pink toga, cowboy hat, Christmas lights, and red star sunglasses. This list is a little too calculated to be just random, impulse buying. Clearly she is amassing all of our definitive possessions in a wild bid to become THE 434 after we have gone. DO NOT BE FOOLED. Just because it is pink and sparkly does NOT mean that it is necessarily Bova!

2. THE 434′s List Completion

Harmless shenanigans... OR PLOT TO DESTROY WIESS???

I know it’s kind of hypocritical to say that, as an integral part of THE 434 and its List of Things to Do Before Graduating, I am something that spells our doom, but, let’s face it, we’ve already done all the easy ones like #1 Meet Beyonce, and now we have only fifteen days to complete the other 37. Also, since I finished my last paper yesterday I have lots of free time to devote to #22 Cause “all kinds of drama” or #13 Kill Jeremy Caves. It used to be “Kidnap Jeremy Caves” until we learned that other people already had this idea on three separate occasions. THE 434 prides itself on originality. Incidentally, if you have some free time and want to help out with #33 Hold Auditions for Next BFF, #53 Start a Pyramid Scheme at Wiess, or #69 Hold Auditions and Perform Exorcism (see above), you can find me (clearly) in THE 434, always willing to wreak havoc or cover you in green slime. Always.

3. Starvation/Tetra Point Wars

A Harmless Agreement Between Friends... OR MEDIEVAL SERFDOM???

I still remain unconvinced that the Servery will remain open after exams are over for the few of us seniors who remain.  Therefore, most of us will starve to death, except for those few who have not already rashly spent all of our Tetra Points on smoothies and coffee. The few who have saved for this very moment will lord it over those of us who have not, forcing us to wait on them like medieval chattels in exchange for day old 13th Street sushi or sketchy pub pizza. Maybe eventually we will rise up against the wealthy minority and redistribute the Tetra points equally among all, living the last few days till graduation in a Utopian collective. Or massively corrupt communist dictatorship. Whatevs.

4. Brian Reinhart

Harmless Feta Lover... OR SHAMELESS EXTORTIONIST???

So Brian’s been giving me a lot (well, two) shout outs in the Thresher calendar page lately, which I don’t have a link to because they don’t post it on their website (suspiciously). The first time it was just a nice little paragraph about how my blog is awesome (with a thinly veiled threat about what will happen to me if I stop updating). But last week featured an entirely fictitious quote in which I counseled zombie preparedness over Velociraptor attack preparedness. That’s actually an issue I feel strongly about, but that’s not the point. Brian seems to think (along with Julia and Arin who used me to pimp their Hedgejumping Plan on the list serv for some reason) that just dropping my name will add credibility to his controversial calendar writing. Clearly he is trying to ride my coat tails to success. “But, Patricia,” he will say when this blog (or the one acts?) finally start pulling its weight and I’m living in a mansion with a lazy river and a private amusement park, “remember when I gave you a shout out in the calendar that one time? You clearly owe all of your success to me! GIVE ME YOUR PET UNICORN!” Yeah, I plan to be so rich that I will be able to buy mythical animals. Why do you think I’m charging THREE pies for the one act this year?

5. Parents On the Internet

Just Trying To Keep In Touch... OR RUINING THE INTERNET???

I hope you don’t need me to tell you why this is bad news bears.

In this case "everyone" is THE 434. AS IN EVERY CASE.

We’d like to thank Dirty Sparkly College Night, jump rope class (for the rope), and Roque for making this possible.

Other things of note:
While this weekend is going to mark a flurry of List Completion, as of yesterday we have failed at completing #93 Get Professor Gorry to Throw His iPhone (at us?). I admit, it was a long shot even putting it on the list; he really seems to love it, no matter how irritating we’re being. Sad times.

HOEDOWN THROWDOWN SHOWDOWN. I’m sure I’ll be posting pictures later today or tomorrow of our epic win re: The Hoedown Throwdown Showdown. As stated previously, I thought only Bova and I would show up, but apparently a lot of freshmen have been practicing and Alex Mainor told me at pub Wednesday that “the Hoedown Throwdown has become my religion”. Then he filled any silence afterward with “Boom Clap. Boom de clap de clap…” Inspiring. Julia even told me that she stopped working on her senior thesis to practice it, which is the dedication we need to wipe that self-satisfied smirk off of Miley Cyrus’ face and/or become her BFF. I’m not really sure which is the goal here.

Sorry for the short and disjointedness–I have to go get ready for Dirty Sparkly College Night! This includes putting all of the jewelry that I own on at one time and not wearing shoes. See you at the Hoedown Throwdown!

As you can glean from the previews, the plot involves Miley Cyrus returning to her grandmother’s house in small town Tennessee to reconnect with her roots, find a hot guy, and rediscover who she truly is inside. Rob kept turning to me and asking, “Is that what Tennessee REALLY looks like?” and I would say “Yes, actually, that’s EXACTLY what Tennessee looks like” in a startled way, because I visited my grandparents every summer as a child in Columbia, Tennessee, which claims to be the Mule Capital of the World. It was only later that I discovered that Miley Cyrus’ fictional small town looked eerily accurate because IT WAS FILMED IN COLUMBIA, TENNESSEE:

The most exciting thing to come out of Columbia since James K. Polk

Naturally I began to suspect that I am, in fact, Hannah Montana in disguise.

Another main selling point to this movie (besides the fact that it is an autobiography of me) is the scene in which Hannah teaches everyone to do a dance called The Hoedown Throwdown which we naturally youtubed upon returning home to perfect our skillz. At the end of the tutorial Miley Cyrus challenged us to a DANCE OFF and we decided that, for the glory of Wiess, we had to accept. Also that it would go great with the college night theme already (as in the tradition of last year’s seniors, THE 434 always invents its own college night theme which this semester is “Dirty Sparkly College Night: From Miley to Hannah”, just fyi). So we did what we always do in times of need: abuse the list serv.

Subject: [TFW] Hoedown Throwdown
BREAKING NEWS: Having just returned from the Hannah Montana movie, THE 434+Rob has an
important announcement. Hannah Montana has challenged us to a dance fight. For the glory
of Wiess, we must accept!

Here are your instructions:
1) Learn the Hoedown Throwdown: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hj3OqMzNin4
2) Meet in the acabowl at 5pm on Friday
3) DANCE DANCE DANCE DANCE!!!
4) Send footage to Hannah Montage to show her what’s up

TFW,
THE 434+Rob

This was actually handy because it took care of The List #81 Lose List Serv Access for Rob, which I changed from “Lose Newsletter Job” after that happened on its own. In case you are wondering, we still have 42 more things left to do (out of 100), but at least three more will be done by next week and I’ll have more time during exams. You can’t say we’re not motivated.

We rented a camera from the DMC to film this dance and everything, but I was positive only THE 434 would show up. However, Dr. Gustin came up to me at lunch yesterday and told me he thought I was a bad influence on freshmen because they were talking about “learning some Hannah Montana dance” instead of doing work this week. He said they shouldn’t listen to me because I am a shiftless senior, and I tried to convince him that he should learn The Hoedown Throwdown too. I have hope that he’ll show up on Friday with a Hannah Montana wig. AS SHOULD YOU ALL.

Anyway, to tackle the Human Leash problem we decided to combine list items. If we sent out a “Lost Item” message to the List Serv about our lost human leash, then maybe someone would find one and give it to us. Stellar logic, I know. So we composed this email:

Dear Wiess,
It is only the first day of the semester and we have already lost something!! We are missing a leash.
Here are some deets:
-it is black leather with some rhinestones
-the collar is human sized
-it may or may not have an attached body harness
- it may be near the laundry room but probably not
It is urgent that we get this back. Please email or return it to our room (434), no questions asked.
TFW,
THE 434

And, much to our surprise, Travis Martin sent it out to the list serv almost immediately after we sent it to him. Maybe he thought public humiliation would be a just punishment for attempting to abuse the list serv, but little did he know he was playing right into our hands! Unfortunately, the next day did not dawn with a barrage of human leashes of varying size and color anonymously left at our door. Lame, Wiess.

I thought that would be the end of it until, about two months later, I woke up to find a red studded collar with accompanying pink leash over my doorknob. Luckily, there was an accompanying note:

Stolen from Will Rice to be exact. In hindsight, it was obvious

Unfortunately I do not have a picture to prove our completion of #74 because Bova then used it at the turnover ceremonies. I’m not sure where it got to after that.

So, if you see a human leash lying around, you should probably just return it to THE 434. Thanks.

However, last week we did complete #86: See a Psychic. We wanted to find a cheaper one so we first tried to google psychics in Houston. None of the web addresses listed were active and all of the phone numbers we tried to call had been disconnected. Clearly they knew we were looking and were trying to fly under the radar. So we decided it would be easier to just drive down Montrose and, behold, nestled amongst the tattoo parlors and adult novelty stores, we found a sign for $10 palm readings.

I had to park on a strange side street and we had to clamber through the underbrush to reach the door, so I was already fairly certain we were going to be paying with our souls/turned into mice/eaten as per every fairy tale I have ever read. The truth was less dramatic. We ended up sitting at this woman’s kitchen table while she peered at our hands and told us what diseases we probably wouldn’t have to worry about while her husband talked on the phone in the background about his insulin. Bova and Rob got off easy with three children each; I, however, am apparently doomed to have SIX children, four of them being two sets of twins. I assume all named Bridget, as per the prophecies of Rob. For a palm reader, she wasn’t very good at looking at hands; I was certain she would notice my engagement ring and say something like “You’ve already found your soul mate” as if this were some startling mystic prediction. Instead:

Gypsy Woman: What’s with this man you love who doesn’t know he loves you yet?
Me: Ummm… he asked me to marry him. So I think he knows.
Gypsy Woman: Aha ahhh! (smoker’s laugh) He’s your soul mate. A good person, but lazy. You are clearly in charge.
Me: Clearly.

Apparently I will live to be 91 and Rob will be 84, which means in the future we give up our idea of a murder-suicide pact at 28 to avoid getting old. Which seemed like an okay plan freshmen year, but now, as a senior, seems startlingly close. On the plus side, this will make list item #62: Senior Citizen’s Party! all the more easy to accomplish/ironic. The point is to dress in lumpy sweaters, eat Worther’s butterscotches and play Bingo. Clearly fun on a bun.

PS… I now have a working FAQ! Finally! A place to answer all of the questions you Frequently Ask Me!

Me: What did you think of the Servery?
Thomas: Better than I expected. And surprisingly easy to sneak in to.

Me: Who would win in a fight: the third floor pigeon or the fourth floor rat?
Thomas: The fourth floor rat because the pigeon has eggs to protect. The rat has nothing to lose and can use that to his advantage.

Me: What would you say is the number one threat to student safety on Rice campus?
Thomas: You. You and your List of Things To Do This Semester. You and your aggression towards JerBear.
Me: Who’s JerBear?
Thomas: Jeremy [Caves].
Me: Why do you call him JerBear?
Thomas: He’s cuddly. And has a typewriter.

Me: Who would win in a fight: JerBear or Roque?
Thomas: Roque. Because solar panels beat typewriters. And bears.

Jeremy: Hey, I talked to my parents and they said it was totally cool for you to stay at our house on your road trip.
Me: Cool. Also, would it be okay if I called you ‘JerBear’ from now on?
Jeremy: No, that would not be okay.
Thomas: I’m doing it. It must be cool.
Jeremy: You’re leaving so I don’t care. (turns back to me) You can’t.
Me: Okay, we’ll talk about it later.
Jeremy:CAN’T. (walks away)
Me: Yeah, we’ll see.