Zombies vs. Unicorns

I don’t know what I was expecting. Wait, no, I do; I was expecting zombies and unicorns battling to the death with humans looking on as the unlucky, occasionally gored/eaten bystanders. Then I realized it was a book of short stories edited by Holly Black (Team Unicorn) and Justine Larbalestier (Team Zombie). The stories are either about zombies or about unicorns (except for Garth Nix, who has both, which does not surprise me–you know he can’t get away from dead things–but they don’t even fight, so it doesn’t count). At first, I was impressed by the veritable YA lit author powerhouse they had assembled. The list includes: Maureen Johnson, Meg Cabot, Scott Westerfeld, and Carrie Ryan among others. But not even this could placate me for long about the total lack of zombie-on-unicorn action.

Also, admittedly, I have pretty high standards. Especially where zombies are concerned, being basically a Max Brooks-approved expert on the subject. Some of the stories were about the annoying, fluffy zombies who don’t try to kill people and mostly just make brain jokes and fall in love, clearly trying to lull us into a false sense of security for the impending zombocalypse. I disapprove in the strongest possible terms. In general, I also like unicorns to be ruthless, killing machines since–come on–they have a huge freaking weapon on their heads. If I had a horn, I would totally use it to maul people until they did my bidding.

I did kind of like Meg Cabot’s unicorn, clearly a parody, which farted a delicate floral scent and was named Princess Prettypants, and Naomi Novik’s, a shifty New York unicorn who doesn’t exactly play by the Unicorn Rulebook but, damn it, he gets results. On the zombie side, Carrie Ryan wrote an awesome, kickass-girl story in her Forest of Hands and Teeth universe, which I am already a fan of, and Scott Westerfeld went with the interesting idea of showing what teens growing up in a post-zombocaylpse world would do to be cool and distance themselves from the lame adults in their lives (hint: zombie virus is the drug of choice).

All these good points aside, I cannot get behind a book called Zombies vs. Unicorns that does not actually have zombies-fighting-unicorns action. I think it would look something like this:

—
I knew this was a bad idea the minute Francois was run through. As I watched that sharp, shimmering horn slide through his chest, I realized we probably should have never left the mall. Sure, I was sick of that fake muzak we couldn’t figure out how to turn off, and another gang of bikers was due to break in any day, but at least we were safe. I mean, besides the hordes of undead outside, clawing at the windows and moaning for our flesh, but that’s a given anywhere these days. The unicorns, though, they never try to get indoors. Not when there’s so much fresh meat outside.

Well, relatively fresh. Unicorns, for all their sparkly mystical powers, are not known for their discriminating tastes. Flesh-hungry zombie or scared-shitless human; they don’t really care which, it’s what’s for dinner. In fact, there’s been talk that they like humans even more because they usually have to chase us down first, and you know how they love showing off their billowy, glistening mane, bonus points if it catches the light of the full moon. Although that may have been just talk.

Still, after the unicorn that had gored Francois was busy licking up his blood, I climbed a tree. Unicorns can’t climb trees, right? I was less sure of myself when a few more showed up. Could unicorns fly? I knew they weren’t technically magic, having been created by our crack team of scientists to save humanity from the zombie horde, but, since THAT hadn’t turned out according to plan, I wondered what else was wrong. I tried to stay still, but they could probably smell me.

Luckily, at that moment, a faint moan wafted towards us on the breeze. The unicorns all perked up their ears, noses wet with Francois’ blood. Yes! I thought. Zombies! Maybe they’d followed us from the mall, or maybe they’d just caught my scent, or the scent of Francois’ unrecognizable corpse. Either way, maybe it would prove enough of a distraction to the unicorns that I could get away. Zombies were easy prey–but nothing about me has ever been easy.
—

Whenever I write example story-excerpts I like to give everyone French names because I think it makes everything sound more like a bad historical romance novel. The main character is called Antoinette.

Noted expert Rob McAuliffe actually included a zombies/unicorns link in the brilliant final he wrote for WIESS 101: Zombies in Fiction and Film, which is still on my desktop because reading it makes me happy. Since it includes such biting social commentary (read: is about real people at Wiess) I probably should not reproduce it in full (since Charles Lena would get pissed that his careful preparations do not, in fact, render him MVP). Here is the relevant excerpt from the end, however, when Rob and I are the only ones left alive from our class:

I begin to again crumple into a ball on the floor and prepare to die. Patricia tells me to get up, because she has one last plan. It, however, was going to require a great sacrifice, our soft hair. She explains that zombies could not possibly withstand our soft hair, and once we touch them with it they will turn into unicorns. We run back to Wiess shaking our hair at zombies along the way, filling the campus with bright sparkly pink unicorns. When we get back we cut off our hair and give it to the rest of the survivors. We are able to run around campus turning all of the zombies to unicorns. Unfortunately, unicorns it turns out also have a taste for human brains, and we are all eaten. (McAuliffe, R. 2007)

In conclusion, Rob and I totally could have written this book.

Then I remembered I can’t do Servery Challenges anymore, so I waited to bring you a Very Special Valentine’s Day Top Cocktail Special.

Special thanks to James Fox for his MSPaint Skillz

Four Competitors! Ten minutes! … and one bottle of Chocovine!

See the entires and the results here:

First across the finish line, in the vain hope that points will be awarded for speed (which has only happened once, by celebrity guest judge Arya during the Burgers Out Of Not Burgers Servery Challenge of late 2009), is Patricia Ladd, discoverer of Chocovine and impetus behind this very competition. But will her courage, fortitude, speed, creativity, excellent writing skills, smooth alphabetization, and stellar blog writing be enough against this tough competition? WE SHALL SEE. Hoping to capitalize on the Twilight market, Patricia has christened her drink “Vampire Blood” due to its reddish brownish color and syrupy consistency.

Cool under pressure, Patricia poses her in front of the World's Largest Crossword

“Vampire Blood”
Serves: 2, by the time you’re done messing up
Chocovine
Caramel Hot Chocolate Mix
Sloe Gin
Plain Yogurt
Cream
Maybe some other stuff I grabbed

1. Mix everything together in a cup
2. Taste
3. Try to add things to make it taste better
4. Fail at pouring
5. Try to add more things with minimal success
6. Turn to sabotage

With no presentational skills whatsoever, will the judges be impressed by this hastily mixed drink?

Not next to finish, but the next least ridiculous, is first time Servery Challenge Competitor Steven Wiggins, with his drink that I forget the name of. I will therefore be referring to it as “Freckles”.

Steven Wiggins, bringing fresh talent and new ideas to the Servery Challenge game

“Freckles”
Serves: 1
Frozen Strawberries
Chocovine
Orange Brandy
Amaretto
Vanilla Extract
Ice
Chocolate Chips for garnish

1. Blend frozen strawberries
2. Blend everything else
3. Garnish with chocolate chips

Speaking of garnish, two-time Servery Challenge winner James Fox (who sailed to victory with his Japanese pagoda and ketchup lake in the Best Structure Made of French Fries Servery Challenge of 2007) once again brings his considerable talents to the table with his “Raspberry Truffle Kerfuffle”, a drink that certainly looks the part.

To be fair, I only own one classy glass.

“Raspberry Truffle Kerfuffle”
Serves: 1
Chocovine
Frozen raspberries
Lindor truffles (floating)
Reese’s Cup (garnish)

1. Blend Raspberries and chocovine
2. ASSEMBLE!

Last, and by no means least, Rachel Kinney, Servery Challenge Veteran, graced us with one of her startling creations the likes of which I have not seen since her abstract food sculpture, “The Wedding Night”, entered into Servery Challenge: Bridal Catering Edition 2009. Inspired by the McNuggetini, Rachel calls her creation “The Squidstache”, although judges began referring to it as “Willy Wonka’s Nightmare” early on in the judging process.

This is the only way you CAN look after trying this drink

“Squidstache”
Serves: No one, hopefully
Chocovine
Wendy’s Frosty
Chocolate Pudding
Caramel Hot Chocolate Mix
Tequila
Other Unspeakable Things
Marshmallows (garnish)
French fries (garnish)

1. Just throw things in!
2. Try not to throw up

Because there was no celebrity guest judge, the contest was put to popular vote for the first time in Servery Challenge history. The process was long and at times disgusting. Mostly just when dealing with Rachel’s, but still.

Annoying Dramatic Recap As Per Reality Show Requirements

Will it be Patricia Ladd's Vampire Blood that, at least, manages to be edible?

Will it be Steven Wiggins' "Freckles" that just tastes kind of like pudding?

Will it be James Fox's "Raspberry Truffle Kerfuffle" with its enterprising use of Reese's Cups?

Or Rachel Kinney's abomination in the eyes of God and science?

Spoiler alert: the winner was Steven. We all decided we kind of liked pudding. James’ won Best Presentation, Rachel’s won Most Innovative, and I won Looking Best In the Pictures. Truly, a Servery Challenge for the ages. And not just because the taste of Rachel’s drink will haunt my tastebuds’ nightmares forever more.

Made up Positions I’ve Given Myself
Wiess Resident Expert in Speculative Zoology
Wiess Breakfast Rep
Wiess Mr. Potato Head Rep
Co-comics Rep
Resident Witch Doctor
Wiess Librarian
Interior Decorator to the Presidential Suite (after we wallpapered Hiren’s room with water colors, mostly of him being eaten by monsters)
Hairologist
Apprentice Mad Scientist
Wiess Zombie Attack Consultant
Awkward Breakfast Conversation Rep (I still am this)
Wiess Astrologer
Chief Phallic Symbol Recognizer
Wiess Soothsayer
Official BFF to James K. Polk
Noted April Fool’s Day Victim
Noted “the crazy” of the sophomore class by Doward
Wiess Pieologist
Inventor of the Snake Warmer
Wiess Egg Salad Rep
Official BFF to Stephen Hawking

I did so much for Wiess. No wonder I got that award.

Things I’ve Done Instead of Going to Class (first semester)
Homework for that class
Homework for another class
Sleep
Crossword puzzles
Watch movies
Talk to Michael Curtis
Eat lunch
Stare at people from 2nd Floor Fondren
Read
Buy interesting hats
Watch the rain
Have a dance party
Listen to Rocky Horror Picture Show and sing loudly
Leave anonymous love notes for Steven Wiggins
Look up lame pick up lines online
Have consumption
Flirt outrageously

I assume this was first semester sophomore year, since first semester freshman Patricia was MAD conscientious. Also, Steven Wiggins was IN my class, so it would’ve been hard to leave secret love notes. These notes, by the way, would always say things like “If I said you had a corpus bellus would you hold it against me?” He would usually just correct my Latin.

Prof. Derrick Quotes List
“I think it’s nice that a woman with a hump can be erotically successful in our appearance driven society”–about the song “My Humps” by Fergie
“There are magic stones that keep you from perspiring for six years”
“There are little communities of creatures living a happy life inside us–Are they our friends?”
“If gender didn’t exist we would all be orcs”
“Let’s just talk about men. Anyone got any secret beer here?”
“Whenever there’s a discussion of voles, I’m there.”
“Men are a lot like voles; blind, burrowing rodents.”
“If you really want to be completely and perfectly free, you’ve got to kill everybody”
“Maybe we can have voles transplanted into us”
“I’m going to devote myself to using the word Cheetalicious some time today”
“Humanities are a cover. We make the University seem like it’s interested in pure knowledge because we’re useless”
“Build model guillotines and use them on your friends”
“It’s unfortunate that Hamlet sounds so much like omelet. Discuss”
“Mary Tyler Moore plays herself. That is, she’s a bitch.”
“Can you love a cow enough? Not within the limits of the law”
“My goal in life is to lose so many [pairs of glasses] that there’ll be a pair wherever I go”
“My children have actually been lost in shopping malls because we’re criminally negligent”
“Job goes to God and says, ‘What the fuck is going on?’”
“I also kind of had day dreams that I was a deer”
“I can’t talk about Lacon and the phallus because you would just make fun of me if I did”
(holds up pen) “All women writers are hermaphrodite monsters because what does this look like?”
“If you have a hog and choose to wash it, try to do so in an ecologically sound manner.”

Types of Music According to Josh
Emo music
Circus music

Reasons why I owe Josh Smoothies
Throwing a pen at his eye
Mocking dinosaur ancestors
Throwing a peanut at his eye
Taping photoshopped velociprator breasts to his window

Reasons why Josh owes me a smoothie
“How does it feel, Patricia?”
Claiming I’m not really a librarian

There are more, but they are all but impossible to read. I will maybe bury this notebook in my yard to confound future civilizations.

Interpretation
Clearly the fates want THE 434 back together again, and are telling me to make it so though my dreams. Also, my subconscious wants me to eat more salad.

Last Night’s Dream 2
I was outside Harris Teeter loading large pallets of yogurt into my car (apparently I had just bought their entire supply for some reason) when I got a phone call from Andrew Fox, who said he wanted to wish me a happy birthday. I said my birthday was in four months, and he said he was really busy so he was trying to knock out the easy things on his to do list early. He then apologized for not illustrating the children’s book about ducks I gave him (that part is actually real), and when I sarcastically said, “I KNOW, GOD, slacker,” he yelled at me for calling him at school. Just before he hung up, I heard the old sound the bell at my high school used to make, so I assume he was attending classes at St. Pete High for some reason. Then I realized while I had been talking to him, someone had stolen all of my yogurt.

Interpretation
The yogurt represents my childhood dreams, and my vain attempts to shelter them from the onslaughts of the real world. Clearly my subconscious is trying to tell me that Andrew Fox will play an unwitting part in their destruction. TOO BAD, Andrew. I am going to FIND Pangaea and its chocolate milk rivers, and you and your confusing phone calls will never stop me!

Yeah, I was pretty sure I could find Pangaea Indiana Jones style, and that it would have chocolate milk rivers. But if that doesn’t pan out, I think I could become a dream interpreter pretty easily.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Night of the Comet

You seriously do not even know how amazing this is

Night of the Comet is your typical sci-fi disaster post-Apocalyptic zombie movie mixed with a sassy coming of age story all set to a ironically awesome 80′s soundtrack. I was skeptical in the beginning too, but Night of the Comet did not disappoint. Every time I thought it couldn’t get even more awesome, IT FOUND A WAY. Another amazing movie I would never have experienced if Bova hadn’t taken her D3 professor’s derisive comments about its lack of scientific accuracy to heart and ordered it on impulse from Amazon Marketplace. Not only do I think about Bova every time I remember how great this movie was, I also learned from her and it the valuable lesson that impulse purchases of questionable taste are ALWAYS even more amazing than you could ever expect. For instance: the time I rented Santa’s Slay.

2. New linguistic breakthroughs

graspin’ adj.
1. lacking in coolness or basic functionality
2. pathetic
“Ever since my computer got dropped on the floor at O-Week, the screen’s been so graspin’! I can’t even see these lolcats!”

setchy adj.
1. something or someone that is both sketchy and sexy at the same time
2. I am having a hard time thinking of an example of this myself; to me it is more of a theoretical concept than a proven entity. Like the missing link or a Made-for-Sci Fi Channel Original movie with realistic dialogue. Still, if Bova claims to have seen it, I believe her.
“What’s with Steven Wiggin’s mustache? Does he think that’s flattering? Is he trying to be a pirate?” “No, I think he’s trying to be setchy.”

totes jeal adj.
1. totally jealous
“Have you seen how awesome Bova is? I am totes jeal!!!!”

There’s a hole in my bucket phrase
1. Used to describe a state of being when everything seems to go wrong for no discernible reason
2. I actually completely forget what this one means
3. I don’t think it’s meant to be used in an unironic fashion
4. At least I hope
“Meeeerrrrhhhhh there’s a hole in my bucket“

Lesson learned: You can do anything you set your mind to, including irrevocably warping the speech patterns of those around you. I’m sad that I will miss new Bovaglish updates since we’re apart and the next time I see her my version of it will be hopelessly out of date.

3. An appreciation of dramatics

Me: “So tonight I was supposed to meet Steven after work at like 5, and he said he’d call me when he was done. So I drove all the way to Humble and got there at like 5:30 but he still hadn’t called. So I tried to call him for an hour and he never answered. So I got angry and started driving back to Rice in a huff but then half way home started FREAKING OUT that he had gotten into a car accident or was dead somehow and I had spent the last hour leaving him mean voice mail messages. So I turned around and drove back to Humble, parked at the mall, went to the photo place, and asked if Steven was there and she said yes and I said “Tell him his EX girlfriend stopped by” and angrily stormed out and angrily drove home and angrily walked back up to my room and angrily lay on my bed being angry. And then he called at like ten and said he’d just gotten off of work and his phone had died and why was I freaking out so much and I said “If you loved me, you’d be here RIGHT NOW” so now he’s driving here.”

Any other person’s response: “Wow… you are like all kinds of crazy.”

Bova’s response: “AMAZING PATRICIA!!!! That is exactly what I would do!!!! Good job at being dramatic!!!!”

This is why some stories I can only tell to Bova because, rather than tell me I am paranoid or have control issues, she will always agree that the more dramatic and/or romantic something is the better rather than being all judgey and lame.

4. Bitchy Italian Models

This one time, Bova and I took Italian 101 for some reason that probably neither of us remember. One of our projects was to write a lengthy conversation to perform in front of the class using our limited Italian 101 vocabularies, which mostly consisted of describing how people looked. Rather than be lame and just have endless monologues about our families, Bova and I decided to be contestants on Italia’s Next Top Model (actual name of the actual show) and constantly bitch about how ugly each other was.

I've never seen an episode of Italia's Next Top Model, but I assume our conversation piece was what 85% of the real dialogue is like

I don’t remember a lot of the details of the assignment, just a lot of shouting of “IO SONO ITALIA’S NEXT TOP MODEL!” which to this day remains the only thing I remember how to say in Italian. Which is probably all I would ever have to know when going to Italy anyway. Thanks, Bova!!!

5. The Wiess Garage Sale/becoming hobos

At the end of last year, a lot of us realized we owned perfectly serviceble plastic drawers, appliances, bikes, costumes, board games, lawn chairs, hats, ukuleles, and scrolling marquee belt buckles that, sadly, we would have no chances to use again after Rice. To facilitate a mutually beneficial transfer of goods and to stop the bitching, I organized the first ever Wiess Garage Sale. Unfortunately, the twenty or so people I talked to who said they had stuff to sell utterly failed to show up, so it was just Bova and I with our possessions strewn across the acabowl like homeless waifs. If I had been with anyone else, it would have been awkward, but since it was Bova we were still bringing the classy.

Bringing the classy, and an umbrella

And we sold most of our stuff to the disappointed masses thanks to my haggling skills and Bova’s ability to sweeten the bargain by throwing in whatever happened to be lying around.

Okay, so we actually sold almost everything to Rachel Liontas, whatever

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even though there are 12 million more amazing things about Bova, five is a good number to have in a list so I will stop there.

Secret Bonus Reason Number 6 is that she owns at least two tiaras

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOVA!!!!!

Blockbuster Guy: I have the Collector’s Edition of this.
Me: Cool!
Blockbuster Guy: Yeah, and the Jareth action figure.
Me: Of course you have the Jareth action figure.
Blockbuster Guy: This movie is so awesome… it even makes me forgive David Bowie for trying to act.
Me: He was SO acting! He changed tight pants in like every scene! Just when you think there are no more tight pants in the world for David Bowie to wear, HE FINDS SOME!
Blockbuster Guy: I mean… if you’re into that.
Steven: I am already having doubts about the goodness of this movie.

Anyway, Steven learned a valuable lesson about goblins and I made friends with a Blockbuster employee (current life goal), so I feel that, despite a waffle lack, it was a night well spent. But that leaves me with nothing to write about today (besides Blockbuster employees). So, I have decided to help others. Sigh.

The Adventures of Cynthia Bova
As an integral part of THE 434, Bova’s blog is maybe my blog’s sister, or at least some kind of hot cousin. We originally battled for supremacy, but eventually decided that the Internet was big enough for us to coexist. She writes more about her personal life than I do (I only write about mine when it is AWESOME, which is often, so that’s okay) but definitely holds the market share on exclamation point use. My paltry attempts at Bova-levels of punctuation excitement don’t even come close. Also, it’s Bova. Come on.

NASCAR News
My cousin maybe knows too much about NASCAR, to the point where sometimes I don’t understand anything when he talks. Last time I visited, I asked if a NASCAR anchor was what he wanted to be when he grew up, and he gave me this withering look and said, “I am one already.” Clearly. I don’t know what I was thinking. Anyway, despite not understanding the content at all, I still think his videos are super cute, especially when Mr. Biffle, his dog, or Patricia Ladd, his intrepid cousin, are guest anchors. I can’t wait to say that I knew him when he was producing videos in his garage.

Andrew Coffin Fox’s Kind of Emo Extravaganza of Amazingness!!!!!!!
Andrew is apparently really bad at coming up with titles to draw people in (“Andrew Coffin Fox’s Blog”?) so I helped him out here a little. I know, so much with the helping people. I’ll probably have to skip class to go lie down after this. Andrew is one of the infamous Brothers Fox and may or may not be a time traveler (he always denies it when I mention it; that was my first clue). Sometimes it seems like he’s trying to become a modern day Emily Dickinson, but other times there are comics!! Both are good times. Also, the tales of his epic struggle with his arch nemesis, the University of New Hampshire Academic Calendar! One day, Andrew, one day you will prevail. And look! Even though I bet he will never read this (not everyone is generous and amazing and good at wasting time like me), I’m not even saying anything bad about him. THAT’s helping others right there.

Came to my Senses & I chilled for a bit
We all know about my love for Alex Crompton. Naturally I assume that anyone who can run for SA president on the platform that he’s a better kisser than the other candidates has to have amazing post-college adventures. Unfortunately, he does not update enough so I am forced to imagine what he is doing, which is pretty much just as exciting. If he ever does update, I am sure I will be vindicated in thinking that he is becoming pale and tragic in a Parisian cafe trying to win the affections of a deaf Bulgarian immigrant girl while playing the accordion for change in the echoing tiled tunnels of the city Metro. If not, why not?

Okay. I need to go take someone’s seat on the bus to balance myself out.

The first: my invention of emo comics in 2006, after a coworker at the library invited me to join the “Spinster Librarian Club”. Here was the comic response I drew in my journal of myself exiting the “Interstate de vie” (“writen in French b/c it’s classier”) onto Rural Route Spinster Librarian on the way to Scenic Alonesville. You can see my two library coworkers already ahead of me on the road:

You'll note that I include an explanatory note for our SE friends. Oh, past Patricia, always considerate

Then, a mere year later, I first broke into the field of emo poetry for a THE 434 Emo Poetry Contest with this gem:

The Blind Gravedigger

By Circe Bloodtear

Ever waking
Never sleeping
Always weeping
Just in hearing
The sighs of desolate sorrow
They rend my heart
They plumb my soul
Wondering if there’ll
Be a tomorrow…
Tomorrow
Tomorrow
Tomorrow
When the rain will wash away
Wash
Wash
Wash away
the blood
The blood you tore from my heart
As you crushed it in your fist
And threw it to ravenous swarms of
VICIOUS RAVENS!
They also pecked out my eyes.

I don’t remember what the other entries to this contest were like or who won or even why we were having an Emo Poetry Contest to begin with. These were the early days of THE 434, before we chronicled our exploits in list form.

1. High fives

Did you know that they have an amazing Wikipedia article, complete with how-to pictures and multiple “variations”? I didn’t until I googled it in an attempt to find a hilarious picture and then forgot what I was doing. Anyway, yesterday I taught a kid how to do long division and when he finally got it, he gave me a high five. It was pretty awesome, and the best possible form of payment for my stellar services. You know, besides money.

2. Surprises

Usually, I am not a fan of surprises, probably because I am easily startled and therefore hate people jumping out from behind things. However, yesterday when I got home mad late, I found Steven Wiggins had surprised me with flowers:

and also surprised me with a three course meal! I don’t have pictures of that because I ate it too fast. Surprise food=always pretty awesome.

3. Rachel now lives a mile from me!!

Ridiculous, I know. I assume the other members of THE 434 will also randomly move here for their own reasons. Adventures are sure to follow. Personally, I’m hoping for another List.