Steven and I are speeding through this Goddess Girls series (probably because it was written for 12-year-olds)!! This week we read Book 4, Artemis the Brave! Artemis is a much shyer, less ridiculous main character than Aphrodite, so she was less entertaining.

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
A cute but arrogant boy named Orion has transferred to Mt. Olympus Academy!! Just like Artemis, he really likes dogs, but he barely has any time for his because he’s too busy scheming to become a star on the stage! After cheating his way into the lead in the school play, Orion pisses everyone off by being such a self-centered jerk, except Artemis who thinks he’s just misunderstood. But when he steals her magical silver arrows to win the school archery contest, she has had ENOUGH and gives up her crush, apologizing to her brother and friends for blowing them all off. Orion ends up bailing on the play, but then comes back at the last minute and Zeus lets him play the part of the “stars” by taping lights to him and hanging him from the ceiling. Get it?? GET IT???

You had no idea Greek mythology had so many puns, did you?

Faithfulness to Original Mythos
By Steven
This one got a lot more metaphorical with any reference to the original myths. So Orion enters the story as a possible love interest for Artemis, but ends up as a star. That much is shared by both the book and the myth, but at any level more detailed than that it breaks down considerably. Orion does get the rivalry of Apollo, but doesn’t have his mythic prowess with the bow. He does face the Scorpion, but isn’t killed and Artemis intervenes rather than being on the scorpion’s side. He does have Sirius, his canine companion and familiar star, but he isn’t shot in the end by Artemis, though she does leave him to his fate. Apollo’s failed romance with Daphne shows up as well, albeit without her turning into a tree. Apart from that, the rest is just cameos by familiar characters and monsters, like Geryon and Echidna.

Typical middle school relationship drama

Tween Girl Life Lessons
By Patricia
1) If your friends think your new crush is a jerk, he probably is
2) Don’t let a guy take over your life–you still have time for archery practice!
3) Bravery is about doing something despite your fear!
4) Theater geeks ruin everything

Well, they do

Patricia’s Favorites!!!
Character: Pandora!! The text describes her as having “blue and gold bangs shaped like a question mark because she’s so curious”. How do you shape your bangs like a question mark???
Part: Orion is mortal but wants to sparkle like the gods, so he buys shimmering body glitter called “Godbod” and slathers it on himself constantly.
Thing I Learned: Athena’s mom is a fly that lives inside Zeus’ head. No more explanation is given.

Seems legit

Steven’s Favorites
Character: Ms. ThreeGraces. Combining the Charites into a single Beauty-ology teacher is only too appropriate.
Part: The archery; apparently you have to train your arrows beforehand for them to work correctly?
Thing I Learned: Apparently you can go from being the dragon guardian of the Garden of the Hesperides to being a crafty Beast-ology teacher. The Greeks gods clearly knew a thing or two about lateral job mobility.

Next Time: Aphrodite the Diva!!
Previously: Aphrodite the Beauty

Middle School Book Reports just got a whole lot more awesome because I have successfully connived Steven Wiggins into helping me!!! I’m sure he wouldn’t have agreed if the book series in question wasn’t all about different Greco-Roman gods and goddesses in middle school! It’s called Goddess Girls by Joan Holub and Suzanne Williams! Clearly Steven wanted to be the first classics major to really make a close study of this groundbreaking new text in the field.

You can tell he's secretly enjoying himself

Props to Caitlin for convincing me to read all of these!! Well, she mainly just posted a link to it on my facebook wall, clearly well aware that I require almost no convincing to read ridiculous tween book series based somehow on really violent and sexually explicit ancient source material! Of course I immediately checked out as many as the library had available. Therefore I’m not reading them in any order–this one is actually book 3–but they each seem to be a separate story so Steven and I were not completely bewildered. Well, Steven was, but that was mostly about the term “godboy”.

I can't be the only one weirded out by her gigantic insect eyes, right?

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
Aphrodite decides to give her frumpy friend Athena a makeover!! But then gets super jealous when school hottie Ares, her secret crush, starts paying more attention to her friend! Plus, Hephaestus, a sweet but ugly boy keeps sending her flowers and gifts to woo her and making everyone gossip about how they’re an item when everyone knows Aphrodite has got STANDARDS, you guys. Everyone learns a lesson about true love and being honest by helping Hippomenes trick his way into Atalanta’s arms, and Athena reveals that sleazy Ares just wanted her advice on how to get a city named after him. Then Aphrodite sets Hephaestus up with some other nerdy chick and everyone lives happily ever after.

Thetis is all like "Make me some armor for my son or I'll stuff you into a locker, NERD"

Faithfulness to Original Mythos
By Steven
Okay, so firstly let’s ignore the whole middle school metaphor thing. Or that in this continuity the instructors (Principal Zeus, Mr. Cyclops, et al.) are supposed to be >= 1 generation in age and stature above the students (Athena, Atlas, Pandora, etc.). The characters mentioned are all more or less representative of their Greek originals–with the juicy bits left out–and there were a few standouts outside the normal range of the Pantheon. Props to the author for including not just Medusa, but also her sisters Euryale and Stheno, and double props for providing Ares the posse of Kydoimos (confusion in battle) and Makhai (spirits of battle), even though none of the above are really provided any back story. Small mistake in making Makhai singular (it refers to the brethren of spirits associated with battle, including Kydoimos) but otherwise pretty accurate. The Atalanta story is pretty spot on and Hephaestus’ loss of Aphrodite to Ares and subsequent matchup with Agleia is quasi-accurate as well, if missing the whole sex-in-a-net thing. Small demerit (or prop? I can’t decide) for “Arachne’s Sewing Supplies” in the Immortal Market, where Athena goes for yarn and needles; isn’t that sort of bad taste on Athena’s part? Four out of five stars for accuracy, the fifth being that I can’t get over this middle school metaphor! And the term “godboy”, of course.

Tween Girl Life Lessons
By Patricia
1) Every girl is super hot if you just restyle her hair and slather on enough makeup!
2) If you don’t like the way your friends look, just change them!
3) Beauty-ology is a completely serious class that you need to study; Athena, as a nerd, is completely failing!
4) If someone’s not hot enough to be your BF (and it’s totally okay to judge them on their looks or disabilities, btws) just string them along for awhile until you can set them up with someone more their scene

Patricia’s Favorites!!!
Character: Medusa! Her snake hair is fab and she’s fatally dangerous to all mortal students at the school, but no one seems worried about that? Plus, she thinks “Bubbles” is an appropriately mean-spirited nickname for the Goddess of Love.
Part: Anytime anyone says a spell. Example: “Blow wind, blow. Off you go. Deliver this message, and don’t be slow.” Even Ron Weasley wouldn’t have trouble with that one!
Thing I Learned: I didn’t know that Hephaestus got married after his divorce from Aphrodite (in the book represented by him going over to talk to some other girl in the cafeteria)! Which is cool because I always felt bad for him before.

Her hair's so big because it's full of SECRETS. And snakes.

Steven’s Favorites
Character: The sentient makeup brush, hands down. Goodbye Pantheon, hello Beauty and the Beast! Pheme (goddess of Fame but also vicious rumor) gets a mention, too, if only for being written closest to her original form.
Part: The Immortal Marketplace: Arachne’s Sewing Supplies and Cleo’s (Cleopatra?) Cosmetics for the girls and Arts of Warfare for the boys.
Thing I Learned: I learned that adding “-ology” to any term immediately makes it an Immortal class subject. I’m now shooting for “Mortal-ology,” hopefully this series’ answer to HP’s “Muggle Studies.”

Goddess Girls Glossary of Ridiculous Terms
textscroll–like a textbook, but a scroll! Comes in colors
scrollizine–a magazine! Useful for getting makeover inspiration
godboy–the boy equivalent of a “goddessgirl”
lyrebell–how you tell when to change classes!
hero-ology
beauty-ology
craft-ology
beast-ology
metal-ology

Next Time: Artemis the Brave!!

Happy New Year! What’s new with you? Here’s what’s up with me:

1) I had my first trip to the emergency room on Thursday! How exciting! I cut my foot pretty badly on the glass out of a picture frame (why are those things so sharp??) and rather than attempt reattaching it, the doctor decided to just remove the part I’d almost cut off anyway! My dad took some pictures at the time, possibly because he thought being annoyed at him would distract me from the pain of getting part of me cut off, but I’m not going to show you those. You’re welcome. Here is my foot now, four days later:

I included my non-injured foot so you could see the difference

It’s not a huge wound, but apparently you use the side of your foot a lot more than you think, because I’m still hobbling kind of funny. It’s getting better though! And they assured me that the nail would grow back only slightly wonky. I’m pretty sure this is my foot’s revenge for me airing my past grievances about its size to you.

2) Steven made hoppin’ john for New Year’s yesterday, and it was delicious!

He did a great job, despite distrusting ham!

If you didn’t have hoppin’ john yesterday, or at least black eyed peas, you pretty much missed your chances for a lucky 2012, sorry.

3) Remember that letter project I did last January? I’ve decided to do it again this year! Because it was super fun last time! Watch your mailboxes!!

Unfortunately, I'm out of stylish cloud envelopes

4) Here is a Christmas present hat montage for your amusement:

This one came with a scarf!! Thanks, Grandma!!

Penguin and pom poms!!! Thanks, Mom!!!

Totoro totoro! Totoro totoro! Thanks, Secret Santa!!!

Love,
Patricia

Steven cooking the filling for his samosas!!

And me able to stand around being a distraction:

We don't have tv, so I was forced to recreate my own Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. Mostly by being loud

Luckily we got everything done in a timely fashion!

Ta-dah!!! What great wedding pottery from my favorite math teacher!!!

Here are some close up shots!

Steven's samosas!!!

Cheese sticks for the win!!!!

All of Steven's favorite foods are enhanced with potato chips! FACT

Turns out, I over pestoed them a little. If that's even possible.

So it turns out, one of us probably should have decided our favorite food was salad for one of the courses because I definitely got full way fast!! So we had to wait till after going to the movies for our awesome desserts!

Chocolate mousse pie tastes better after Muppets!!!

It turns out when Steven says "strawberry shortcake" he really just means a mountain of strawberries and whipped cream

Another successful year!!

Last year everyone attending made their favorite food (except my brother, who is deathly allergic to work) for the feast! This year, Steven and I are getting even more classy and amazing! Truly it is what I have always dreamed of, all the years I vowed to win my Thanksgiving independence. Steven and I decided to each pick an appetizer, main dish, and dessert and make them all!

Here is the menu:

Appetizers
Cheese sticks (me)
Samosas (Steven)

Main
Caprese Sandwiches (me)
Chicken Noodle Casserole (Steven)

Dessert
Chocolate Mousse Pie (me)
Strawberry Shortcake (Steven)

There are so many benefits to such a meal! Besides its utter tastiness, there’s the great variety, and the fact that I won’t be buying the same things as everyone else at the store so it is slightly less stressful to go shopping. Plus, many of these things can be made ahead of time, so I don’t think we’ll be jockeying for oven or counter space too much! I’ll post pictures on Friday to show how awesomely it turned out!

Here is the secret to having the best wedding ever (since I am clears an expert now): Don’t even bother being confined by a wedding checklist developed by an industry designed to trick you into needlessly parting with your money! You should really just think about what you want, what you would want if you had never had the traditional wedding crammed down your throat since you were six, and then just do whatever that is! I’m not against spending money, just against spending it on things you don’t care about. Like anything that isn’t cupcakes. Here are some examples:

The Ceremony
Ceremonies are boring, so my first idea was not having one at all! Skip straight to the party!! That idea made my mom sad, though, and Steven also wanted at least a little ceremony, so we decided to plan the most low key, fun, personal one possible. And we decided to only invite our immediate families, because they’re the ones that care the most anyway, right? Plus, having such a small, small ceremony gave us a lot more freedom when deciding location, timing, and even how the ceremony would go.

The next most important decision was who should marry us? Of course the answer is Rachel Kinney!!!!!!

Exhibit A: Rachel Kinney

She did such a great job! She’s in divinity school right now, so it was not that weird of a request, plus she was the one who set us up on our first date so it was pretty much perfect! We talked about how it should go beforehand; I think my exact instructions to her were “You say something, and then I’ll say something, and then Steven will say something, rings, MARRIED!” And that’s pretty much how it went. It was so awesome to have such a personalized ceremony, which basically just meant telling funny stories about each other! Instead of the usual “lawfully wedded wife” business, we got “Do you Steven take Patricia as your wife, best friend, and perpetual partner in crime?”

Spoiler Alert: he said yes

As you can see, the park we had it at was really pretty (and renting the nearby shelter was only $25 for the day, proving that venue costs don’t have to totally suck), and since the ceremony–even with giving every single person present a chance to say something–was mega short, there was lots of time to play on the equipment!!

Rachel is a spider monkey!!!

Wheeeeee!!!!! Who cares if my dress gets dirty? It was $60!!!

Also, the park has a tank.

A wedding tank

The Dress

As a bride, I know I am supposed to be absolutely obsessed with my clothes/hair/shoes/whatever. But the only thing I am really all about are the shoes:

Because, come on, I basically win at life

The dress is a prom dress I bought online on one of those sites where you can choose any color. I plan to wear it to other fancy occasions in the future (except other people’s weddings) because it is awesome! I totally did my hair myself (which should tell you how easy it was). It’s just three fishtail braids braided together on each side.

The girl I tutor told me it looked "too little girl" but I have too much hair for one big braid, so whatever

Also, wasn’t sure if my ring would arrive on time, so I bought a back up which was 3% of the price of the real one, but 300% more awesome:

MY LOVE IS A THUNDER LIZARD

Unfortunately, the real one did arrive on time:

Fist bump of marriedness!

The Party

WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! This whole wedding was planned so that there could be costumes! My favorite thing! And Steven’s favorite thing too! It totally fits if you remember the story of our first date. So I made this dress out of paperbags!!!!!

The purple duct tape is pretty AND structurally important!

I’m thinking about writing a whole blog post about how I made the dress (which will involve making another since I was too hurried to take pictures), but basically the skirt and bodice are separate parts, the former secured with a drawstring and the latter with stick on velcro. I made a purple circle skirt to wear underneath, just in case, and because it was kind of open at the back. Throughout the night, it kind of fell apart, especially since my dancing mainly consists of jumping up and down repeatedly.

Steven was the Time Traveler!!

I tried to convince him to get a big Flavor Flav clock, but he said no

I think I will write a whole separate blog post about all the great Wed-O-Ween fashions! As you can probably tell from these pictures, the party was at my parents’ house, which put another venue cost at $0! And got my dad to finally trim our front yard trees! So everyone wins! We also had awesome dancing:

Former President Theodore Roosevelt can really bust a move

Not the first or last time Steven and I will share a romantic dance to Skullcrusher Mountain in a living room:

You can tell it's later in the evening by the way my costume is kind of falling apart

X-treme Bobbing for apples:

Almost decided to just throw them in the pool but decided that was too much of a challenge. Even for Bat Girl

A tower of cupcakes!

Deliciousness!

And creepy/awesome homemade wizard party favors:

Each contains a few drops of my sweat and one evil child's soul

Unfortunately, some partied too hardy:

Oh, Grandma, we can't take you ANYWHERE

More on this later!

Steven so excited to be accompanying me!

Probably my favorite part of the botanical garden isn’t even the plants (sorry), it’s the random sculptures and art that are used to enhance them!

This entrance to the poison plant garden is maybe one of my favorites!

Life size chess!!!!!

This tree is strewn with kitchen implements since it's at the entrance to the Kitchen Herbs Garden!

I have no idea what this is, but lizards like to sit on it!

This one’s pretty self-explanatory:

You'd be surprised how many real kids you see at the Botanical Garden too!

This was my favorite for sale this time: Bog Cheetos!!!

Once you get away from the herb gardens, it gets a lot more shady, which is great for this time of year. Plus, storytelling chair:

Steven, eager to hear a story!

I also really like the marshy/coastal section, maybe just because you get to walk on a boardwalk!

Everything is better on a boardwalk!

Plus, ponds, and the possibility of seeing fish and frogs!

They were all pretty low; too bad Irene wimped out on his, we could have used some rain!

It's amazing how much cooler it is in the shade; hurry up, fall!

I did take SOME pictures of plants

These Botanical Gardens aren’t as big as some others I’ve been to, and it doesn’t have any particularly weird plants, since most of them are North Carolina natives, but it’s a nice peaceful place to walk that changes with the seasons.

You probably remember how this goes. Now that Servery Challenges no longer take place in the Servery, entrants have 10 minutes to complete their entry, this time utilizing at least three shots of Chocovine! Then entries are presented, tasted, and voted on. Supplementary awards are then handed out at the entrants’ discretion.

The Entries
First-time competitor and my preschool BFF, Megan was about as quick as me to complete her entry. She also unprecedentedly brought her OWN fancy, monogrammed glassware and decorated it with a gingham ribbon! I am legitimately impressed.

Clearly I did a great job impressing upon her the seriousness of this competition

Once again, my strategy was to be lightning fast and not taste anything beforehand. Gotta believe in yourself.

Yeah, that's right, this drink has the Dumbledore seal of approval.

Steven, as usual, went for presentation and concept over actual taste, the only one of us to add MORE chocovine. Also as usual, he took longer than the rest of us.

Most of the time was getting that cherry to stay

Thomas! Clearly trying to show Rachel that they are still BFFs! In spirit! Gross Chocovine spirit!

I can assure you, that look is ENTIRELY appropriate

Possibly even more worrying than this is why he decided to name it Rob. Is senior year BFF rivalry coming back in style?

Anyway, after a fierce voting process, it came down to Megan and me! The actual drink parts of our drink tasted fairly similar, but I won a narrow victory, I assume thanks to my shameless attempt to cash in on Harry Potter. Megan and “Cinnamon Surprise” won best appearance, Thomas won “The New Rachel” award and possibly most creative, and Steven won best name! Yay winning!!! Then we watched Thomas’ drink for awhile like a science experiment.

Previously: Chocovine Challenge and Raspberry Chocovine Challenge

Moaning Myrtle!

Clearly there was only one character to choose for Steven, given his hair situation:

Sirius Black!!! Unfortunately he didn't make Crazy Gary Oldman faces the whole time

Megan went with us too! She dressed as “Harry and Hermione’s love child” which we named Herry Harmione Potter. Her wand really lit up when you flicked it which was super cool!

I like this picture because my hand looks like I might be turning into a ghost!!

For some reason we thought taking pictures AFTER the movie at 4 in the morning was a really great idea, which led to this picture that I now am at a loss to explain:

Possibly I decided that was some kind of ghost gang sign

Yay for homemade costumes!!

Oh great and powerful Coke, at last I have returned to your holy bosom!

Even though I kind of felt like I was walking through a giant commercial, some of the olde timey Coke memorabilia was pretty cool, as was the bottling process. And, of course, the Coke tasting room was mad fun! My favorite was definitely Melon Fanta from Japan. Or Peach Spirte from the Freestyle Machine. Least favorite: Beverly from Italy. Wikipedia is right, it totally tastes like battery acid.

Oh, also, there was this guy:

Pretty sure the Coke employee made this blurry on purpose so I'd have to buy the professional ones. Screw that!

Coke machine from the space station!