Finals Time

April 20th, 2010 by pladd

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It’s finals week and I am writing a giant paper on children’s information seeking behavior. I’m also writing an 100 page screenplay with James Fox as part of Script Frenzy. I don’t know why NaNoWriMo always decides that the best months to interfere in my life are the same months that bring finals. Not that they’re forcing me to write anything but, like the bad ass time traveling super hero I’m writing about, I can never turn down a CHALLENGE. Since I don’t really have that much time to give you all the exciting details, I’ve decided to do this soap opera recap montage style:

Last Week on: Patricia’s Life
INT. MANNING HALL – SEMINAR ROOM – FRIDAY MORNING
The seminar class wanders one-by-one into the room, yawning because it’s so early. Since they’re the only class in the entire School of Information and Library Science that meets on Friday, the halls are eerily quiet and echo ominously.

PATRICIA
Why are you wearing shorts when it’s cold outside all of a sudden?

PROFESSOR
You’ve got to commit to shorts at some point in the year and never look back
(pause)
This is exactly how they dress at the Australian stock exchange. It’s business casual.

INT. PATRICIA’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN TABLE – FRIDAY
PATRICIA sits on the floor working on her research at the giant coffee table she uses as a regular kitchen table.

INT. PATRICIA’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN TABLE – SATURDAY
PATRICIA sits on the floor working on her research at the giant coffee table she uses as a regular kitchen table.

INT. PATRICIA’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN TABLE – SUNDAY
PATRICIA sits on the floor working on her research at the giant coffee table. She pauses briefly to write a hurried three more pages of Script Frenzy script. It involves space dinosaurs for some reason.

INT. PATRICIA’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN TABLE – MONDAY EVENING
PATRICIA gets up to start making meatloaf cupcakes for dinner when she hears something at the front door.

PATRICIA (v. o.)
Hmmm… it’s still light outside so that can’t be Steven yet. INTRUDER!!!

Patricia looks around for a weapon to defend herself. Suddenly, STEVEN walks into the room.

STEVEN
Hey girl hey!

PATRICIA
(sets down chair) Oh.

INT. MANNING HALL – CLASSROOM – TUESDAY MORNING
For some reason, UNC still does paper course evaluations that are on a scantron. PATRICIA is annoyed that she doesn’t have a pencil and is forced to write her detailed explanation of how this class could be greatly improved by not requiring it with a tiny golf pencil that won’t even fit in her hand.

EXT. BUS STOP – TUESDAY AFTERNOON
PATRICIA is reading another book about children’s information seeking while waiting for the bus. Its cover has a strange picture of a child in a library looking AS CONFUSED AS IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE.

SKETCHY GUY
So whatchya reading?

PATRICIA
This stupid book about child information seeking behavior.

SKETCHY GUY
(confused and slightly repulsed–the appropriate reaction)
Why?

PATRICIA
I guess because I’m a librarian.

SKETCHY GUY
Huh. You’re kinda hot for a librarian.

PATRICIA
Ummm… What?

SKETCHY GUY
Like… you’re not old.

PATRICIA
And I’m not shushing you?

SKETCHY GUY
Yeah!

PATRICIA sighs.

Stay tuned next week for:
INT. SPACESHIP – THE VASTNESS OF SPACE

PATRICIA
Your plan to steal all of the world’s gemeralds to power your evil space station is foolproof, Dr. Fiend.

Dr. Fiend cackles evilly and strokes his pet mongoose.

PATRICIA
But there’s ONE thing you DIDN’T COUNT ON!

Close up on PATRICIA’s narrowed eyes:

PATRICIA
I’M NO FOOL!

EXT. A BEAUTIFUL MOUNTAIN MEADOW – DAY

THAT GUY WHO LOOKED LIKE SNAPE WHO WORKED AT BLOCKBUSTER
You see, I had to leave my job at blockbuster, even though I loved answering your inane questions about which movies would be best for a “Burned as a Witch” drinking game.

PATRICIA
But… but WHY?

SNAPE GUY
DUMBLEDORE NEEDS ME

EXT. ATOP THE WILSON LIBRARY DOME – NIGHT

PATRICIA
Come on, Steven, just come down from here with me and no one will get hurt

STEVEN
NO! I’M A GARGOYLE!!!!!!

—

It’s gonna be great.

Posted in transcripts |

Top Cocktail: Chocovine Edition

February 21st, 2010 by pladd

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Oh, Chocovine. As its tagline claims, it mixes the taste of dutch chocolate and fine red wine. You can buy it at Harris Teeter for about $7, so I knew without even tasting it that it would be magical. So magical that it would need its own Servery Challenge.

Then I remembered I can’t do Servery Challenges anymore, so I waited to bring you a Very Special Valentine’s Day Top Cocktail Special.

Special thanks to James Fox for his MSPaint Skillz

Special thanks to James Fox for his MSPaint Skillz

Four Competitors! Ten minutes! … and one bottle of Chocovine!

See the entires and the results here:
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Posted in Cool Things |

Things I Am Now An Expert On After Just ONE Semester of Grad School

December 1st, 2009 by pladd

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Granted, the last day of classes isn’t till next week, so I still have time to become an expert in at least three more things. Consider this list a work in progress:

1. Getting off an entirely too crowded bus without smacking anyone in the face with my bag Some of the undergrads still need to learn how to do this
2. Looking like an incredibly serious studier in the SILS library when I am really just reading trashy teen girl novels This week’s is about a slutty California girl and a prim English girl who switch places! Recipe for amazing? Or just trite Prince and the Pauper knock off?
3. American Born Chinese
4. Finding information about causes of the American Revolution (still in progress)
5. Wheedling Steven into doing ALL of the cooking
6. And the laundry
7. Being cold
8. Bribing children into doing what I want
9. Writing poorly plotted novels way fast.
10. Negotiating an apartment full of appliances/fixtures that all ALMOST work exactly right
11. Making my parents feel guilty about how I’m Gonna Make It On My Own Christmas is going to be awesome
12. Ignoring my blog for long stretches of time Luckily I don’t think anyone’s noticed. Or maybe sadly.
13. Every program in Microsoft Office Except PowerPoint but we’re starting that today! It’s funny how the waiver form for this course wanted you to know all these programming languages, but the actual course is just an intense semester-long Microsoft Office tutorial.
14. Being resigned Some battles aren’t worth fighting. Like the battle to get my collection development prof to give us any grades ever.
15. Not slipping and falling down the stairs every time it rains You may laugh, but they are MAD dangerous. Three people have already plummeted down them.

Posted in list |

Misguided Travel Guides: Roanoke and the Outer Banks

November 3rd, 2009 by pladd

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Over the past weekend I searched tirelessly for clues that might solve the mystery of the Lost Colony of Roanoke. I’m pleased to say that I am once again successful. Honestly, if people would just put me on the case they could saved themselves centuries of doubt.

The first place we looked was Jockey’s Ridge State Park, home to one hang gliding school and one giant sand dune. The signs all said it was easy to get lost there, so I figured the colonists could easily be wandering around in the sand.
roanoke-1
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Posted in Misguided Travel Guides |

Baked Goods Self-Portrait Contest II: The Cupcakening

October 27th, 2009 by pladd

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Due to the rampant success of the Cookie Self-Portrait Challenge, Steven and I were recently challenged to a rematch by Houston-area artist James Fox, who generously agreed to fly up for this showdown.

On the plus side, I finally had an excuse to buy a cupcake pan. On the downside, I am not very good at art in any medium, especially not frosting. I was therefore forced to make two cupcakes in the hope that quantity would finally win over quality. So my entries included:
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Posted in Uncategorized |

Modesty, Math, and Waffles

October 2nd, 2009 by pladd

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Steven: You can look at how many page hits and where they’re coming from with google analytics. Because I bet so many people are reading your blog and not commenting. You should think of a way to entice them to comment.
Me: Meh. I’m not going to cramp their style. I don’t need commenting. I know they’re there and they know I’m amazing. It’s like a symbiotic relationship. Just like how I don’t need an app on facebook to tell me who my top friends are.
Steven: Well, maybe a modesty app

Me: … so really the fraction bar is just a different way of writing a division sign. We could write this as 1 divided by 2 if we wanted.
Boy: Which is 0.5!!!! That’s so cool! I wonder if my teacher knows that.
Me: Probs.
Boy: What?
Me: It’s actually a math secret I invented.

This kid was literally ridiculously excited about fraction/division/decimal equivalents and could not WAIT to tell his teacher about them.

So last week while in H-Town Steven’s mom bought us some pots and pans. Yay! Now we can cook in more than just a soup pot or the World’s Littlest Frying Pan! However, she also included Steven’s old waffle maker in the box they came in, not realizing that, as part of his random gift giving every time I see him, my Uncle had already given me a brushed silver Industrial Size Belgian Waffle Maker. Literally the same one we had in the servery. Steven’s waffle maker looks puny and weak by comparison, but also scrappy and good at maneuvering. Clearly you know where this is going.

Stay tuned for WAFFLEOFF2009!

Posted in transcripts |

Airplane Poetry

September 25th, 2009 by pladd

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I’m in Houston! I knew the minute the swampy, humid air hit my face and I quickly found myself on an eight lane highway with a forest of tacky, neon signs on either side that the prodigal Patricia had returned.

This return involved two plane rides and a sandwich in Baltimore, whose airport is actually just a mall where some planes hang out. On the latter plane, Steven and I decided that the BEST POSSIBLE use of our time was to write each other notes while listening to our respective iPods. Naturally this quickly devolved into joint poetry:
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Posted in transcripts |

DMVentures Continue!

July 28th, 2009 by pladd

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I got up earlier than necessary today to write the post below so that I would have fulfilled all other obligations before heading to the DMV to get my car registered here, believing, based on my previous DMVodyssey, that it would take all day.

NOT SO! Here is the evidence, barely half an hour after I originally left:

I like how you can see Steven's reflection in Trixie, the fact that he is not wearing shoes forever preserved

I like how you can see Steven's reflection in Trixie, the fact that he is not wearing shoes forever preserved

Trixie, naturally, is devastated, and pouted almost the entire way home. Luckily, an SUV winked at her at a stoplight, which I think lifted her spirits a little. Or, at least, proved that she can still be flirty as a North Carolina resident. She says it’ll be okay, as long as she never goes back to Florida. She doesn’t think she could hold her hood up now, amongst all those flashy convertibles with their tramp stamp spoilers.

I’ve anthropomorphized Trixie so much now that, if anything should happen to her, I will probably be inconsolable for days and demand that funerary rights be held.

Posted in Uncategorized |

DMVentures! Also, some pictures!

July 24th, 2009 by pladd

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This morning I celebrated my mom’s birthday by spending three hours at the DMV to get a North Carolina Driver’s License. This DMVodyssey actually began two days ago, when I realized that we would have to retake the tests before getting a license. I spent the day feverishly reading the handbook and trying to remember the exact distance you should be from the curb when parallel parking. Then yesterday when we started off on this intrepid task, we realized quickly that we had no idea where we were going, having forgotten to look up the address. We decided that we’d definitely seen signs for it around, so got comfortably lost for about an hour, when we finally realized that the signs we’d seen were for “License Plate Agency” not “Driver’s License Agency”. Apparently to increase productivity and frustration, North Carolina splits up their DMV services amongst several smaller offices, all in strip malls of varying sketchiness. At that point, we gave up and bought baked potatoes instead.

Then, this morning, I knew success was at our fingertips! We got there at 9am, with all appropriate paperwork, armed with library books (yeah, library card before driver’s license, that’s how I roll). Unfortunately, fifty-three other people had arrived before it even opened and only two people were working. Since there was no room to wait inside, Steven and I spent the majority of the three hours sitting on the concrete curb outside. Luckily, lots of people gave up! And, finally, our perseverance was rewarded:

Yay!!!! It's like a Biblical fable, really. If you just wait long enough in the smell of cigarettes and desperation, you too can have a piece of plastic with your picture and organ donor status.

Yay!!!! It's like a Biblical fable, really. If you just wait long enough in the smell of cigarettes and desperation, you too can have a piece of plastic with your picture and organ donor status.

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Posted in Uncategorized |

Roadtrip: Lightning Round! Winning Strategies

July 14th, 2009 by pladd

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At the beginning of the final leg of this great race, I seem to have developed a much different strategy for success than my two esteemed competitors. Trixie has been enjoying the last day of living in the comfort of a garage by giving herself a full spa treatment, which includes doing meditative ignition exercises and only listening to the smooth jazz radio station. She even asked me to cut up round slices of melon to put on her windshield “for moisturizing” but I reminded her that her coat of wax would probably make that difficult. She accused me of attempted sabotage and I grudgingly bought her a full tank of gas. This partnership is already fraught with difficult.

Steven, in his usual inability to judge how long things will take, has apparently spent the last three days in non-stop packing activity, taking short breaks to steal shipping materials from behind businesses and, inexplicably, to engage in a little light woodworking. Since he’s been too busy to even talk to me, I can only assume that this is all part of a strategy to psych us out and make us overly confident. TOO BAD, Steven Wiggins, because I’ve totally read The Tortoise and the Hare, as well as its many variations “The Tortoise and the Hare Race to the Moon” or “M.C. Turtle and the Hip Hope Hare: A Nursery Rap”, (seriously). I’M A LIBRARIAN, YOU CAN’T FOOL ME WITH YOUR AESOP’S FABLE TRICKS! Naturally, Trixie and I will be upping our game to deal with this fake out.

Trixie suggested–in a strange fit of mature cooperation–that we get a book on CD from the library to avoid at least a few hours of fighting over the stereo (if she had her way it would be Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” for the full 12 hours). Unfortunately, there was only one checked in:

Its like Gossip Girl but with SPIES, apparently

It's like Gossip Girl but with SPIES, apparently


I was disappointed that we couldn’t listen to Harry Potter to get psyched for the movie on Wednesday, but Trixie called me a nerd and said that she could tell from the cover that this would be A-MAZING! I can only hope she is not leading me astray. She also pointed out that, since her hood extends a few feet from the driver’s seat, she will technically cross any finish line before me. I explained that I planed to park, get out, and run screaming across before coming back for her. She explained that she would use that opportunity to crush my legs.

I bet there’s a psychological disorder where you anthropomorphize all inanimate objects around you with real pills and self-help books and everything.

Anyway, since I will be leaving around 6am to avoid Tampa rush hour, I imagine this is the last you’ll be hearing from me for awhile. Hopefully I will have the Internet working in the apartment before Friday, when I can update you on the glories of North Carolina and, most importantly, who won this exciting competition, although the Twitter box on the right should have a blow by blow account as I can update from my phone.

See you on the other side.

Posted in Road Trip |

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