Then I remembered I can’t do Servery Challenges anymore, so I waited to bring you a Very Special Valentine’s Day Top Cocktail Special.

Special thanks to James Fox for his MSPaint Skillz

Four Competitors! Ten minutes! … and one bottle of Chocovine!

See the entires and the results here:

First across the finish line, in the vain hope that points will be awarded for speed (which has only happened once, by celebrity guest judge Arya during the Burgers Out Of Not Burgers Servery Challenge of late 2009), is Patricia Ladd, discoverer of Chocovine and impetus behind this very competition. But will her courage, fortitude, speed, creativity, excellent writing skills, smooth alphabetization, and stellar blog writing be enough against this tough competition? WE SHALL SEE. Hoping to capitalize on the Twilight market, Patricia has christened her drink “Vampire Blood” due to its reddish brownish color and syrupy consistency.

Cool under pressure, Patricia poses her in front of the World's Largest Crossword

“Vampire Blood”
Serves: 2, by the time you’re done messing up
Chocovine
Caramel Hot Chocolate Mix
Sloe Gin
Plain Yogurt
Cream
Maybe some other stuff I grabbed

1. Mix everything together in a cup
2. Taste
3. Try to add things to make it taste better
4. Fail at pouring
5. Try to add more things with minimal success
6. Turn to sabotage

With no presentational skills whatsoever, will the judges be impressed by this hastily mixed drink?

Not next to finish, but the next least ridiculous, is first time Servery Challenge Competitor Steven Wiggins, with his drink that I forget the name of. I will therefore be referring to it as “Freckles”.

Steven Wiggins, bringing fresh talent and new ideas to the Servery Challenge game

“Freckles”
Serves: 1
Frozen Strawberries
Chocovine
Orange Brandy
Amaretto
Vanilla Extract
Ice
Chocolate Chips for garnish

1. Blend frozen strawberries
2. Blend everything else
3. Garnish with chocolate chips

Speaking of garnish, two-time Servery Challenge winner James Fox (who sailed to victory with his Japanese pagoda and ketchup lake in the Best Structure Made of French Fries Servery Challenge of 2007) once again brings his considerable talents to the table with his “Raspberry Truffle Kerfuffle”, a drink that certainly looks the part.

To be fair, I only own one classy glass.

“Raspberry Truffle Kerfuffle”
Serves: 1
Chocovine
Frozen raspberries
Lindor truffles (floating)
Reese’s Cup (garnish)

1. Blend Raspberries and chocovine
2. ASSEMBLE!

Last, and by no means least, Rachel Kinney, Servery Challenge Veteran, graced us with one of her startling creations the likes of which I have not seen since her abstract food sculpture, “The Wedding Night”, entered into Servery Challenge: Bridal Catering Edition 2009. Inspired by the McNuggetini, Rachel calls her creation “The Squidstache”, although judges began referring to it as “Willy Wonka’s Nightmare” early on in the judging process.

This is the only way you CAN look after trying this drink

“Squidstache”
Serves: No one, hopefully
Chocovine
Wendy’s Frosty
Chocolate Pudding
Caramel Hot Chocolate Mix
Tequila
Other Unspeakable Things
Marshmallows (garnish)
French fries (garnish)

1. Just throw things in!
2. Try not to throw up

Because there was no celebrity guest judge, the contest was put to popular vote for the first time in Servery Challenge history. The process was long and at times disgusting. Mostly just when dealing with Rachel’s, but still.

Annoying Dramatic Recap As Per Reality Show Requirements

Will it be Patricia Ladd's Vampire Blood that, at least, manages to be edible?

Will it be Steven Wiggins' "Freckles" that just tastes kind of like pudding?

Will it be James Fox's "Raspberry Truffle Kerfuffle" with its enterprising use of Reese's Cups?

Or Rachel Kinney's abomination in the eyes of God and science?

Spoiler alert: the winner was Steven. We all decided we kind of liked pudding. James’ won Best Presentation, Rachel’s won Most Innovative, and I won Looking Best In the Pictures. Truly, a Servery Challenge for the ages. And not just because the taste of Rachel’s drink will haunt my tastebuds’ nightmares forever more.

Confession: I recently bought Twilight.
I know, I know, I feel awful about it. Especially since I’ve already managed to read the first three books through extreme patience and library-fu. Buying a Twilight book is shameful. Buying a Twilight book you’ve already read is definitely more shameful. To be fair, it is on my reading list for my Young Adult Literature Class next semester, and I did buy it at a used book store for $3. I don’t think any of that went to Stephanie Meyer, so I still feel pretty okay about the practical facts, but my reputation may never recover. I knew this would be necessary since the tens or hundreds of people on the waiting list for it back at my library at home would make it impossible to guarantee my having it a specific week for class, but, oddly, this morning when I went online to request the fourth book, Breaking Dawn, to write a wildly popular review of it, I found that I was number FOUR on the list. And there are EIGHT copies. I’ll probably have it tomorrow. I’m shocked by Twilight’s apparent lack of popularity here, until I realized that a typo in the description of the book calls the vapid main character “Ellen Swan” instead of “Bella Swan”, thus confusing legions of preteen girls. Suckers.

In Penance for this: I vow to be as sarcastic and withering as possible to the inevitable one or two people in our class discussion who will gush endlessly about how much they love Twilight.

Confession: I am incurring library fines AS WE SPEAK
As a librarian, this is incredibly shameful. It gets worse: the source of these fines is none other than the book-on-CD version of I’d Tell You I Love You But Then I’d Have to Kill You. To be fair, I didn’t steal it so that it could be mine forever, but simply forgot to give it to Mom Ladd before her return to Florida and have since been unable to find it to mail it back myself. Trixie probably hid it. Which means that, years from now, someone will pull it from some secret compartment in the back seat, stare at it with raised eyebrows, and then say “Patricia R. Ladd, why do you own this?” in a disgusted tone.

In penance for this: I vow to NOT punch them in the face.

Confession: I stole a full set of cutlery from the Servery
Which I am using EVEN NOW, hundreds of miles away. Just like my embarrassing library fines, I didn’t do this on purpose either. I just sort of found various spoons and forks and knives in various purses and book bags while attempting to pack. On the plus side, it can be very useful to have a fork in your purse, in case someone offers you free but messy food while out and about. On the minus side, they tend to look at you a little funny, and I may be the sole reason why the Servery is losing money.

In Penance for this: I vow to only eat with said cutlery things worthy of the Servery. Meaning anything I cook while really tired or am having one of those haphazard “well, I’m sure applesauce is a fine substitution for flour” kind of days.

There. Now my conscience is clear.

Me: What did you think of the Servery?
Thomas: Better than I expected. And surprisingly easy to sneak in to.

Me: Who would win in a fight: the third floor pigeon or the fourth floor rat?
Thomas: The fourth floor rat because the pigeon has eggs to protect. The rat has nothing to lose and can use that to his advantage.

Me: What would you say is the number one threat to student safety on Rice campus?
Thomas: You. You and your List of Things To Do This Semester. You and your aggression towards JerBear.
Me: Who’s JerBear?
Thomas: Jeremy [Caves].
Me: Why do you call him JerBear?
Thomas: He’s cuddly. And has a typewriter.

Me: Who would win in a fight: JerBear or Roque?
Thomas: Roque. Because solar panels beat typewriters. And bears.

Jeremy: Hey, I talked to my parents and they said it was totally cool for you to stay at our house on your road trip.
Me: Cool. Also, would it be okay if I called you ‘JerBear’ from now on?
Jeremy: No, that would not be okay.
Thomas: I’m doing it. It must be cool.
Jeremy: You’re leaving so I don’t care. (turns back to me) You can’t.
Me: Okay, we’ll talk about it later.
Jeremy:CAN’T. (walks away)
Me: Yeah, we’ll see.