Last Week on: Patricia’s Life
INT. MANNING HALL – SEMINAR ROOM – FRIDAY MORNING
The seminar class wanders one-by-one into the room, yawning because it’s so early. Since they’re the only class in the entire School of Information and Library Science that meets on Friday, the halls are eerily quiet and echo ominously.

PATRICIA
Why are you wearing shorts when it’s cold outside all of a sudden?

PROFESSOR
You’ve got to commit to shorts at some point in the year and never look back
(pause)
This is exactly how they dress at the Australian stock exchange. It’s business casual.

INT. PATRICIA’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN TABLE – FRIDAY
PATRICIA sits on the floor working on her research at the giant coffee table she uses as a regular kitchen table.

INT. PATRICIA’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN TABLE – SATURDAY
PATRICIA sits on the floor working on her research at the giant coffee table she uses as a regular kitchen table.

INT. PATRICIA’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN TABLE – SUNDAY
PATRICIA sits on the floor working on her research at the giant coffee table. She pauses briefly to write a hurried three more pages of Script Frenzy script. It involves space dinosaurs for some reason.

INT. PATRICIA’S APARTMENT – KITCHEN TABLE – MONDAY EVENING
PATRICIA gets up to start making meatloaf cupcakes for dinner when she hears something at the front door.

PATRICIA (v. o.)
Hmmm… it’s still light outside so that can’t be Steven yet. INTRUDER!!!

Patricia looks around for a weapon to defend herself. Suddenly, STEVEN walks into the room.

STEVEN
Hey girl hey!

PATRICIA
(sets down chair) Oh.

INT. MANNING HALL – CLASSROOM – TUESDAY MORNING
For some reason, UNC still does paper course evaluations that are on a scantron. PATRICIA is annoyed that she doesn’t have a pencil and is forced to write her detailed explanation of how this class could be greatly improved by not requiring it with a tiny golf pencil that won’t even fit in her hand.

EXT. BUS STOP – TUESDAY AFTERNOON
PATRICIA is reading another book about children’s information seeking while waiting for the bus. Its cover has a strange picture of a child in a library looking AS CONFUSED AS IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE.

SKETCHY GUY
So whatchya reading?

PATRICIA
This stupid book about child information seeking behavior.

SKETCHY GUY
(confused and slightly repulsed–the appropriate reaction)
Why?

PATRICIA
I guess because I’m a librarian.

SKETCHY GUY
Huh. You’re kinda hot for a librarian.

PATRICIA
Ummm… What?

SKETCHY GUY
Like… you’re not old.

PATRICIA
And I’m not shushing you?

SKETCHY GUY
Yeah!

PATRICIA sighs.

Stay tuned next week for:
INT. SPACESHIP – THE VASTNESS OF SPACE

PATRICIA
Your plan to steal all of the world’s gemeralds to power your evil space station is foolproof, Dr. Fiend.

Dr. Fiend cackles evilly and strokes his pet mongoose.

PATRICIA
But there’s ONE thing you DIDN’T COUNT ON!

Close up on PATRICIA’s narrowed eyes:

PATRICIA
I’M NO FOOL!

EXT. A BEAUTIFUL MOUNTAIN MEADOW – DAY

THAT GUY WHO LOOKED LIKE SNAPE WHO WORKED AT BLOCKBUSTER
You see, I had to leave my job at blockbuster, even though I loved answering your inane questions about which movies would be best for a “Burned as a Witch” drinking game.

PATRICIA
But… but WHY?

SNAPE GUY
DUMBLEDORE NEEDS ME

EXT. ATOP THE WILSON LIBRARY DOME – NIGHT

PATRICIA
Come on, Steven, just come down from here with me and no one will get hurt

STEVEN
NO! I’M A GARGOYLE!!!!!!

—

It’s gonna be great.