Posts Tagged ‘roadtrip’

Misguided Travel Guides: Minneapolis

I’m guessing that North Dakota and Minnesota run together in your heads as one expanse of Godless frozen tundra. Again, this is mostly true, but not as much in the summer. I’ve been to Minneapolis plenty of times because the Bismarck airport is so freaking small (3-4 gates) that often the best way to get there is to fly to Minneapolis and rent a car. We stayed in my uncle’s basement, which includes the prime attraction of his dog, a sheltie collie that can leap up to slam doors and gets unaccountably angry every time anyone unloads the dishwasher.

Since I have so much Minneapolis experience, I was expecting it to be a mere stop over instead of what it turned out to be: THE GREATEST STOP ON OUR ROADTRIP EVER!!! Seriously, Anna Baron has been holding out on us. Minneapolis may be the REAL Land of Enchantment. Yeah, New Mexico, I said it. Or maybe my low expectations only made it seem that much more amazing. The first order of business was to see Natalie, my erstwhile illustrator of The Knight, the wizard, and the Lady Pig fame:

That's my "Meeting a Famous Illustrator" face

That's my Meeting a Famous Illustrator Face

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Times I Have Almost Died: Clyde the Lizard

So while in Monterey, I wanted to see the beach and misguidedly decided to walk down an alley to get to it. At the end was, in fact, the beach, but also an odd assortment of vagrants, one of whom saw Steven’s camera and immediately said, “You want a good picture?” and reached into his pocket.

This could have ended any number of ways, but it turned out to be a lizard.

His name is Clyde!

His name is Clyde!

Then, after a lengthy discussion of Clyde’s eating habits–in which he asked us for “Florida herbage” twice, saying that he could sense we had some by our aura–he introduced us to his friend “Gandalf” who recited some poetry. Then a pimply high schooler arrived with a bottle of prescription drugs and I used the distraction to run back down the alley and not stop until I reached the Tollhouse Cookie Bakery. Steven followed along at a somewhat more sedate pace.

Times I Have Almost Died: North Dakota Animals

When forced to think about North Dakota (sadly, most people will not do so willingly), they mostly mention how cold it is. Little do they know that summertime threats besides frost bite lurk in the ravines of the badlands. Fiercest and most mysterious of these is the legendary Prairie Shark:

Or possibly some kind of root. Still, SCARY STUFF!

Or possibly some kind of root. Still, SCARY STUFF!


The only defense against the Prairie Shark is to run away quickly. Luckily, that left me energized to deal with our other brushes with death:
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Times I Have Almost Died: MY BIRTHDAY!

A birthday is a horrible time for a near death experience but, as my mother feared, the day I turned 22 I faced a twofold threat in Seattle–suspiciously close to Canada. The first was the insidious threat of crepe or nutella overdose at lunch:

The tastiest way to die

The tastiest way to die


The second was far more overt:
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Times I Have Almost Died:Cats and Seals

Of the many perils of California, none is more fearsome (to the supposedly highly allergic Patricia) than the house cat. Observe my brush with death at the hands of this cuddly assassin:

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Only pretending to be cute to deliver the killing nuzzle, cheeky devil

If not for my premeditated application of copious amounts of Claritin, I could very well be NO MORE. Or at least in sorry shape before facing the next instance of NEAR DEATH:
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Road Trip: Patricia Attempts To Add Drama

So I suggested to Steven that we use the tripod to record “diary” segments like on reality TV shows and made him hide in the bathroom till I was finished recording.

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA

Misguided Travel Guides: White Sands National Monument

If you drive forever down Highway 70 in New Mexico, just the sort of place you’d expect to run out of gas or break down at the start of a Tex-Mex themed slasher film, you’ll pass some missile testing sites, an inexplicable border patrol check point, and White Sands National Monument. I’ve wanted to go ever since Josh Langsfeld told me in a postcard that it was “like being on the moon.” Which I guess could be true, if Josh’s version of the moon involves being blisteringly hot and sledding down sand dunes, the two principal activities at White Sands.

Just Like When Neil Armstrong Visited

Just Like When Neil Armstrong Visited


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Misguided Travel Guides: the World’s Second Largest Pecan

Okay. Here is something you may not be aware of.

Texas is so freakin huge.

We’ve been driving all day and only ended up in Comanche Springs, STILL 219 miles from El Paso. And most of it after San Antonio looked a lot like this:

DESOLATION. Also, OIL!

DESOLATION. Also, OIL!

And, okay, maybe I’m lying when I said we’ve been driving ALL day. We did stop in Seguin, Texas, a town whose promotional posters claim that it is “Aged to Perfection”, which is true if here “perfection” means “peeling paint and abandoned buildings”. Why stop here? To see the World’s Second Largest Pecan.
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