SHHH! Keith Richards, the grizzled veteran of rock’n’roll excess, has confessed to a secret longing: to be a librarian. After decades spent partying in a haze of alcohol and drugs, Richards will tell in his forthcoming autobiography that he has been quietly nurturing his inner bookworm.

He has even considered “professional training” to manage thousands of books at his homes in Sussex and Connecticut, according to publishing sources familiar with the outline of Richards’s autobiography, which is due out this autumn. He has received a reported advance of $7.3m (£4.8m) for it.

The guitarist started to arrange the volumes, including rare histories of early American rock music and the second world war, by the librarian’s standard Dewey Decimal classification system but gave up on that as “too much hassle.”

The rest of the article can be found here.

Also, I’m going to DC today! I hope to relive my childhood and also show Steven what is what. It will be just like The Roadtrip, but much shorter.

Here are the deets of the past few days. Sorry I don’t have pictures yet:

Trixie and I had a pretty uneventful drive up here (apart from my exciting appearance on the fabled NASCAR News). For some reason, she kept insisting that I only listen to Britney Spears, which I think was some form of psychological warfare. Unfortunately for her, the book tape I brought, I’d Tell You I Love You, But then I’d Have to Kill You was more than enough retaliation. The reader seemed to be under the impression that teen girls all sound like My Little Pony: The Animated Series characters, with a variety of bad accents. Seriously, just like this:

Seriously, right down to the oddly Southern pony who is obsessed with sun hats. I only got halfway through the story, but it’s pretty much exactly what you would expect from a book whose premise is “teen girls who are also spies!” They use their spy powers to snoop around boys’ houses, mostly.

Due to my own laziness, Trixie won Roadtrip: The Lightning Round. As she claimed her medal (pictures later), she graciously said that it was only fair, since she was the only one literally pulling her own weight this summer. I was forced to concede. Anyway, at least I got second, arriving a mere six hours before Steven Wiggins.

Top Three Best Things About Our New Apartment
1. Stairs
2. Giant kitchen
3. LIGHTNING BUGS

Hopefully the shipping company/scam artists that Steven hired to take his/my Houston stuff here will arrive on Monday. Personally, I fear that I will never see my fashionable red microwave again.

Steven, in his usual inability to judge how long things will take, has apparently spent the last three days in non-stop packing activity, taking short breaks to steal shipping materials from behind businesses and, inexplicably, to engage in a little light woodworking. Since he’s been too busy to even talk to me, I can only assume that this is all part of a strategy to psych us out and make us overly confident. TOO BAD, Steven Wiggins, because I’ve totally read The Tortoise and the Hare, as well as its many variations “The Tortoise and the Hare Race to the Moon” or “M.C. Turtle and the Hip Hope Hare: A Nursery Rap”, (seriously). I’M A LIBRARIAN, YOU CAN’T FOOL ME WITH YOUR AESOP’S FABLE TRICKS! Naturally, Trixie and I will be upping our game to deal with this fake out.

Trixie suggested–in a strange fit of mature cooperation–that we get a book on CD from the library to avoid at least a few hours of fighting over the stereo (if she had her way it would be Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” for the full 12 hours). Unfortunately, there was only one checked in:

It's like Gossip Girl but with SPIES, apparently

I bet there’s a psychological disorder where you anthropomorphize all inanimate objects around you with real pills and self-help books and everything.

Anyway, since I will be leaving around 6am to avoid Tampa rush hour, I imagine this is the last you’ll be hearing from me for awhile. Hopefully I will have the Internet working in the apartment before Friday, when I can update you on the glories of North Carolina and, most importantly, who won this exciting competition, although the Twitter box on the right should have a blow by blow account as I can update from my phone.

See you on the other side.

In the previous month of this competition, the competitors had to work together as a team to beat the clock–or, I guess, the calendar–and the fuel gauge, using up as little resources to see as much of the country as possible. Although they admitted defeat somewhere in the Midwest 8000 miles was enough to qualify them for The Lightning Round! [insert thunder sound effect]. In this round, competitors will be PITTED AGAINST EACH OTHER in a no-holds-barred, anything-goes, wash-and-wear all out race to the finish line, Carrboro, North Carolina, “the Paris of the Piedmont”, and home to the Invisible University of North Carolina, according to Wikipedia and the University’s self-proclaimed king. Unfortunately, I have to take the bus to Chapel Hill and attend the boring, visible University of North Carolina there in the fall.

Although this leg of the race is significantly shorter than the previous rounds, it’s still nothing to scoff at, especially since each competitor will be traveling a DIFFERENT ROUTE:

The Patricia Ladd and Trixie Route: 766 Miles of Grueling Interstate, 12 hours and 56 minutes of fighting for control of the stereo

PLadd and Trixie, deciding to team up temporarily for their mutual benefit, have elected to take the North bound route through Orlando, Jacksonville, and Savannah, staying the night with relatives near Charleston, SC. This ploy, though saving on expense, costs more time and significantly lessens the sketch factor, making it a risky move in what is already a tight competition. The team is confident that they will arrive first, driving the short three to four hours to Carrboro in the morning.

Interviewer: It’s a gutsy move, teaming up with your competitor. Do you think that will increase tension along the way?
PLadd: Definitely. We both want to win this, but quickly realized that neither of us stood a chance of beating SWiggins alone. For one thing, I would be walking. For another thing, Trixie is speedy but has no sense of direction. Hopefully we will be able to cooperate until the last possible moment and not end up parting ways somewhere unfortunate in the wastes of South Carolina.
Trixie: Beep Beep
[Translation: I'm running you over at the North Carolina welcome center]

Steven's Route: 1179 miles through the redneck homeland and 18 hours and 14 minutes spent looking for the next Sonic

Steven Wiggins, on the other hand, is going it alone, not that he has much of a choice since the other two competitors have decided to team up against him. Though his chosen route is longer and more time, Steven has the hidden advantage of new and exciting book tapes that I made for him, recording myself reading You Slay Me, Kate MacAllister’s classic tale of clutzy-courier-in-Paris-meets-shape-shifting-dragon. Somehow, it’s even worse than it sounds.

It’s a wildly unfair race to the finish to determine WHO will be the winner of The Road Trip. Will it be Steven, the Sonic-propelled driving juggernaut with a rickety Ford Escort full of musical instruments or Patricia, the charismatic and modest adventurer who can actually read a map, OR Trixie, the sassy Volkswagen flirt with a penchant for wet windshield contests, “gunning it”, and The A-Teens.

Road Trip: THE LIGHTNING ROUND! Coming to a blog near you July 15th.

Steven "the Driver" Wiggins

Were you surprised when it quickly became apparent that you would be the main driver?
Not particularly. Patricia’s vulnerability in the evening hours to sudden and crushing tiredness was well known to me.

What was your favorite state we visited?
California. It has the most interesting variations of places. Both the worst and some of the best.

What was the worst?
Part of California? The desert leading into it. The best would probably be Monterrey Bay.

What was the best part of the trip overall?
Seattle. It was probably the most interesting city with the weirdest combination of attractions.

Would you live there?
No. Too far North.

What was the worst part of the trip overall?
Definitely our exit from your grandparents’ place. The unceremonious wake up at FIVE THIRTY IN THE MORNING. Followed by a splitting headache and a dreary drive through the wastes of Eastern North Dakota. The Space Alien restaurant was pretty cool though.

What have we learned about each other on this trip?
I’ve learned that Patricia Ladd knows nothing about long drives or camping. Well, maybe not camping, more inland latitudes and the climates thereof. I.e. It gets really fucking cold in the middle of the night on top of a mountain, jeez. And Steven Wiggins, while comfortable, is not a very good space heater.

If you had to steal one of the things we saw in a dramatic caper possibly including musical numbers, what would it be?
The giant slide in North Dakota. Because unlike other things we saw (the Space Needle, the Rocky Mountains) this was clearly much more beloved by all and would look much better in my backyard.

Patricia "the Navigator" Ladd

What was your favorite state we visited?
Washington. It was so cool and green and NOT THE DESERT! Unfortunately there were also too many hills.

What was the single most surprising thing on the trip?
When I lost my keys at White Sands National Monument. I guess Josh Langsfeld (damn him) had built it up in my mind to be JUST LIKE THE MOON. I even still have the postcard he sent me of it where he says this. Instead, it was blistering, the sledding was subpar, and it stole my freaking keys. NOT COOL.

Was there anything you were dreading about this trip that didn’t come true?
You mean besides the 218 times I was scared we would run out of gas? I kind of expected us to totally hate each other before it was even halfway through. But, despite a lot of traffic-induced bickering, I’d say we’re better than ever.

If you could go back and do something over again, what would it be?
You mean because it was so fun? Probably the carousel in Como Park, St. Paul (or Minneapolis?). That may have been my favorite part!

Which state had the most realistic advertising?
Clearly North Dakota. As I’ve said, their billboards featuring a totally empty stretch of interstate are TRUE TO LIFE. Also, their past ad campaign of “North Dakota: Custer was in perfect health until he left” is historically accurate.

If you could be any badlands animal, which would you choose?
Prairie Shark. Duh.

Trixie "the flirt" Volkswagen

What state did you enjoy driving through most?
Beep beep!
[Translation: Clearly Tennessee! That's why I hit a rock; I just wanted to stay a little longer. I mean, how incompetent do you think I am? I loved the unpaved roads and lack of cops. I could drive however I wanted!]

What was you greatest hardship?
Beep!
[Translation: Besides carting you all and your only-used-once camping equipment 8000 miles around the Interstate? Probably all the bugs. It is next to impossible to beat a corvette in a wet windshield contest when I'm covered in splattered insects.]

What was your favorite place to stop for gas?
Beep
[Translation: Def Oregon! Any gas station with an attendant that pumps your gas and wipes your windshield for you is the height of class!]

In all, I would say it was a successful trip. Even if we did give up.

The roads around Turkey Creek, Tennessee are actually mostly paved at this point, for varying definitions of the word “paved”, but there’s still plenty made of gravel, which Trixie was definitely upset over. She’s already been complaining about how hard it is to look cute and flirt with SUVs when you’re covered in smashed bugs, so all the dirt and little rocks were not helping her general attitude. Then, as we were bidding our farewells to the allergy-happy farmland a strange orange light in the shape of an exclamation point appeared on the dashboard. Remembering the snowflake incident, when Trixie miraculously predicted the odd snow in Houston this year with an indicator light (Bova saw it! It’s true!), I assumed this only could herald doom. Steven, being less excitable, looked it up in the manual and discovered it meant Low Tire Pressure.

Trixie’s first flat tire! From getting a big sharp rock stuck in the wheel! I assume she did it on purpose for attention, like a car version of a tantrum. So Steven changed the tire. The only major incident was when he refused to believe that the spare was a for reals tire and not just a fake one that we’d need to replace. After comparing the serial numbers with the one we took off he proclaimed Trixie to be “magical” or at least “more expensive than mine”. While changing the flat, a grizzled old man in a pickup stopped to ask if we needed some help. I told him we were good, so he offered us some Juicy Fruit and then went on his way.

1. Due to either the massive amounts of cottonwood pollen or possibly just fatigue, both of us are sick.
2. Tiredness
3. I’m sick of driving for eight hours every day
4. Steven’s sick of waking up early
5. I’m almost positive I’m dying of malnutrition
6. Trixie is starting to become really whiny and picking angry bagpipe songs on my iPod just to annoy me
7. We only have one Kresley Cole romance novel left to read
8. We’re almost out of money

It is not, as Trixie would have you believe, because we didn’t think anything could top Minneapolis. Syracuse, I’m sure, would have blown that carousel out of the water. I called Rob on his birthday to break the news. He said he was surprised we’d made it this far. I’m glad I inspire such confidence.

The plan was to drive South to Tennessee where, among other things, there are free relatives houses to stay at, and then to Florida. I assume Steven will make us stop to see the Coke museum in Atlanta as well.

Since I have so much Minneapolis experience, I was expecting it to be a mere stop over instead of what it turned out to be: THE GREATEST STOP ON OUR ROADTRIP EVER!!! Seriously, Anna Baron has been holding out on us. Minneapolis may be the REAL Land of Enchantment. Yeah, New Mexico, I said it. Or maybe my low expectations only made it seem that much more amazing. The first order of business was to see Natalie, my erstwhile illustrator of The Knight, the wizard, and the Lady Pig fame:

That's my Meeting a Famous Illustrator Face

She took us salsa dancing. IN THE MALL OF AMERICA. I love the Mall of America. I know it’s the epitome of cheesiness, especially the theme park inside, but I like how it’s its own strange microcosm. Also, the wide availability of ice cream at every turn.

The next best thing: the antique carousel in Como Park! Complete with calliope!

OMGOD Carousel!

A mere picture cannot begin to convey how excited I was

I was literally pushing small children out of the way. Modern carousels definitely don’t have shit on the Como Park one. It goes faster, has hand carved wooden horses, and real leather stirrups! And lasted for like fifteen minutes! It was maybe the happiest fifteen minutes of my adult life so far.

And then, just so we’d be even, we went to this Raptor Center at the University of Minnesota where they fix broken hawks, eagles, owls etc. The tour was free, which was sweet.

"Helloooooo! I am an adorable yet injured owl!"

So, basically, I would suggest Minneapolis, not just for a convenient way to get to Bismarck, but as its own destination. In the summer. This cannot be stressed enough.

This could have ended any number of ways, but it turned out to be a lizard.

His name is Clyde!

Then, after a lengthy discussion of Clyde’s eating habits–in which he asked us for “Florida herbage” twice, saying that he could sense we had some by our aura–he introduced us to his friend “Gandalf” who recited some poetry. Then a pimply high schooler arrived with a bottle of prescription drugs and I used the distraction to run back down the alley and not stop until I reached the Tollhouse Cookie Bakery. Steven followed along at a somewhat more sedate pace.