Middle School Book Reports just got a whole lot more awesome because I have successfully connived Steven Wiggins into helping me!!! I’m sure he wouldn’t have agreed if the book series in question wasn’t all about different Greco-Roman gods and goddesses in middle school! It’s called Goddess Girls by Joan Holub and Suzanne Williams! Clearly Steven wanted to be the first classics major to really make a close study of this groundbreaking new text in the field.

You can tell he's secretly enjoying himself

Props to Caitlin for convincing me to read all of these!! Well, she mainly just posted a link to it on my facebook wall, clearly well aware that I require almost no convincing to read ridiculous tween book series based somehow on really violent and sexually explicit ancient source material! Of course I immediately checked out as many as the library had available. Therefore I’m not reading them in any order–this one is actually book 3–but they each seem to be a separate story so Steven and I were not completely bewildered. Well, Steven was, but that was mostly about the term “godboy”.

I can't be the only one weirded out by her gigantic insect eyes, right?

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
Aphrodite decides to give her frumpy friend Athena a makeover!! But then gets super jealous when school hottie Ares, her secret crush, starts paying more attention to her friend! Plus, Hephaestus, a sweet but ugly boy keeps sending her flowers and gifts to woo her and making everyone gossip about how they’re an item when everyone knows Aphrodite has got STANDARDS, you guys. Everyone learns a lesson about true love and being honest by helping Hippomenes trick his way into Atalanta’s arms, and Athena reveals that sleazy Ares just wanted her advice on how to get a city named after him. Then Aphrodite sets Hephaestus up with some other nerdy chick and everyone lives happily ever after.

Thetis is all like "Make me some armor for my son or I'll stuff you into a locker, NERD"

Faithfulness to Original Mythos
By Steven
Okay, so firstly let’s ignore the whole middle school metaphor thing. Or that in this continuity the instructors (Principal Zeus, Mr. Cyclops, et al.) are supposed to be >= 1 generation in age and stature above the students (Athena, Atlas, Pandora, etc.). The characters mentioned are all more or less representative of their Greek originals–with the juicy bits left out–and there were a few standouts outside the normal range of the Pantheon. Props to the author for including not just Medusa, but also her sisters Euryale and Stheno, and double props for providing Ares the posse of Kydoimos (confusion in battle) and Makhai (spirits of battle), even though none of the above are really provided any back story. Small mistake in making Makhai singular (it refers to the brethren of spirits associated with battle, including Kydoimos) but otherwise pretty accurate. The Atalanta story is pretty spot on and Hephaestus’ loss of Aphrodite to Ares and subsequent matchup with Agleia is quasi-accurate as well, if missing the whole sex-in-a-net thing. Small demerit (or prop? I can’t decide) for “Arachne’s Sewing Supplies” in the Immortal Market, where Athena goes for yarn and needles; isn’t that sort of bad taste on Athena’s part? Four out of five stars for accuracy, the fifth being that I can’t get over this middle school metaphor! And the term “godboy”, of course.

Tween Girl Life Lessons
By Patricia
1) Every girl is super hot if you just restyle her hair and slather on enough makeup!
2) If you don’t like the way your friends look, just change them!
3) Beauty-ology is a completely serious class that you need to study; Athena, as a nerd, is completely failing!
4) If someone’s not hot enough to be your BF (and it’s totally okay to judge them on their looks or disabilities, btws) just string them along for awhile until you can set them up with someone more their scene

Patricia’s Favorites!!!
Character: Medusa! Her snake hair is fab and she’s fatally dangerous to all mortal students at the school, but no one seems worried about that? Plus, she thinks “Bubbles” is an appropriately mean-spirited nickname for the Goddess of Love.
Part: Anytime anyone says a spell. Example: “Blow wind, blow. Off you go. Deliver this message, and don’t be slow.” Even Ron Weasley wouldn’t have trouble with that one!
Thing I Learned: I didn’t know that Hephaestus got married after his divorce from Aphrodite (in the book represented by him going over to talk to some other girl in the cafeteria)! Which is cool because I always felt bad for him before.

Her hair's so big because it's full of SECRETS. And snakes.

Steven’s Favorites
Character: The sentient makeup brush, hands down. Goodbye Pantheon, hello Beauty and the Beast! Pheme (goddess of Fame but also vicious rumor) gets a mention, too, if only for being written closest to her original form.
Part: The Immortal Marketplace: Arachne’s Sewing Supplies and Cleo’s (Cleopatra?) Cosmetics for the girls and Arts of Warfare for the boys.
Thing I Learned: I learned that adding “-ology” to any term immediately makes it an Immortal class subject. I’m now shooting for “Mortal-ology,” hopefully this series’ answer to HP’s “Muggle Studies.”

Goddess Girls Glossary of Ridiculous Terms
textscroll–like a textbook, but a scroll! Comes in colors
scrollizine–a magazine! Useful for getting makeover inspiration
godboy–the boy equivalent of a “goddessgirl”
lyrebell–how you tell when to change classes!
hero-ology
beauty-ology
craft-ology
beast-ology
metal-ology

Next Time: Artemis the Brave!!

I was 13 and I knew that I was not pretty, that I would never be pretty. It’s the kind of thing you know with an awful, resigned certainty at 13. Whether or not I was right is irrelevant, because I knew that I would never be like the beautiful actresses I saw in movies or the beautiful heroines I read about in books. Though I couldn’t have told you at the time why I felt such an instant aversion to these characters, I know now that it’s because they were all almost always defined by their looks. Or a man. Usually both.

Instead, I was obsessed with wizard characters. It was 7th grade and I was obsessed with Belgarath the Sorcerer and the countless, repetitive David Eddings series about him. I got my mom to make me a wizard robe and hat which I wore for at least two Halloweens in a row, plus just any time I felt like it in my room. It’s not that I wasn’t also really into springy butterfly hair clips, boy bands, and other, more normal 7th-grade-obsessions, because I was, but all of these trends were more fleeting, and even when I first adopted them I realized that they were silly and not really for me. Each time I wore my springy butterfly hair clip to school, I felt like I was wearing a ridiculous disguise that everyone could see through. I didn’t really care about fashion or hair or glitter–at least not as much as everyone around me seemed to, not as much as seemed to be required to earn a place in the ranks of Girl. What I really cared about was wizards. Usually old guy wizards with long beards and cantankerous personalities. Why? Because they were usually the only characters who were smart. Just smart. That was enough for them to get by, and usually have an awesome part in the story besides.

Middle School Patricia recognized that smart was pretty much the only thing she had going for her, but there was no girl-equivalent of the wizard in most stories, no smart female character that always knows the answer to the stupid hero’s problems (Middle School Patricia did not have a very high opinion of heroes). Granted, there is a vaguely female equivalent to Belgarath the Sorcerer in David Eddings’ books: his daughter, Polgara. She’s intelligent, powerful, and knows how to boss people around, but the first words used to introduce her whenever she shows up, the first thing other characters notice about her, are always about her drop-dead-gorgeous looks. Plus, she’s annoyingly condescending to everyone and tries to be everyone’s mother. At 13, I knew I did not want to be anyone’s mother, and certainly didn’t want to have to lean on my looks (such as they were) to get where I wanted. Polgara seemed just as silly and annoying as any princess in a fairytale (of course, by the end of the saga she discovers what she actually wanted to do all those years was have babies). So I settled for a bunch of magical old guys. Which is pretty sad.

In an effort to cheer myself up, I’ve decided to devote my next few posts to talking about some of the kick ass ladies who were a good influence on Middle School Patricia. Ladies who, whatever they look like, refused to be defined by their beauty or lack of it, ladies who are strong, confident, and who care about way more than boys and fashion. I think girls need more such examples or, like 7th grade Patricia and the girl I tutor now, they’ll begin to hate their own gender, to scorn all things “girl” as stupid, frivolous, and petty. Being a girl is so not about that, 7th grade Patricia! Check back in the next few days for some awesome examples of why.

I’ve decided to take a break from Tortall for awhile, not because I’m trying to avoid the series about Alanna’s daughter, but because I’m hoping it will be a SPECIAL GROUP PROJECT BOOK REPORT. We’ll see. Either way, I’ve had to turn to the Circle of Magic series, which follows the fates of four children gathered together by a powerful mage for their own unique powers. They’re basically a fantasy-medieval version of the Planeteers without the bling. Middle School Patricia read all of the Circle of Magic series, but she didn’t like it very much. Possibly having four main characters instead of one makes it harder to care about them, and, since they start out at 11, Middle School Patricia was clearly WAY TOO OLD for this book. There weren’t any love connections or anything. I really don’t remember much about how the other books go, but this one, at least, has a very meandering plot, given over to long descriptions of the children learning to control their magic and having lessons. The main antagonist is MOTHER NATURE in the form of a sudden earthquake two chapters from the end. Luckily the four children work together with magic to save themselves. The end. Yeah, I’m not really stoked to read the sequel, either, but I will power through. Here is the Planeteer Circle of Magic roster:

Sandry
Real Name: Lady Sandrilene fa Toren
Rank: Noblewoman, almost royalty
Magic: Thread-working. Basically, sewing and weaving
Tragic Back Story: Parents killed by small pox, survived by locking herself in a creepy cellar
Why I Hate Her: 1) she pretty much has a mullet on the cover, 2) it’s clear she’s supposed to be the “sweet one”, which means she has no personality, 3) she just wants everyone to get along. Boring, 4) it seems already like she and the boy are going to be an item, 5) thread magic is lame

Briar
Real Name: Roach, until he gave up his life of crime; now it’s Briar Moss
Rank: Thief/street urchin
Magic: Plants
Tragic Back Story: Orphaned street urchin on his third offense
Why I Hate Him: I know singling out Sandry as your eventual love interest gives it that cloying “We’re from two different worlds!” aspect, but could that BE any more cliche? Besides, Briar, you are kind of spunky and Sandry is SO BORING. You could do better.

Daja
Real Name: Daja Kisubo
Rank: Trader; trangshi
Magic: Metal
Tragic Back Story: Sole survivor of a shipwreck; cast out by her people as a trangshi, or bad luck
Why I Hate Her: Daja is actually pretty cool. The Trader class are looked down on by everyone, and now she’s even avoided by them because of her “trangshi” status. Like all Traders, she carries a big staff everywhere with which she kicks butt, and I like seeing a girl doing blacksmithery. The only reason Middle School Patricia was not her BFF was her constant whining about being all alone when clearly she has three besties.

Tris
Real Name: Trisana Chandler
Rank: Merchant Class
Magic: Weather
Tragic Back Story: Assuming she’s possessed by evil spirits, her family passes her around for awhile, eventually abandoning her at various temples
Why I Love Her: Tris was the one character Middle School Patricia was really rooting for because 1) weather magic is clearly the best, 2) she has red hair, 3) she likes books and libraries, 4) she’s the most adventurous magically, even if it means getting in trouble, 5) people tease her for being fat

The Play-By-Play

Chapter One
Trapped in the dark cellar hiding from small pox, Sandry somehow makes her embroidery thread glow for light. Adrift at sea, Daja makes a chest of supplies move towards her across the water. Later, she’s rescued by Numair Niko Goldeye. Roach asks some moss to grow in his usual prison cell to get a good night’s sleep. It’s his third offense, but before he can be sentenced to hard labor, Niko Goldeye tells the judge he’s taking him to Winding Circle Temple. Tris is at another temple where everyone is mean to her. She gets mad and it starts hailing. Niko agrees to take her to Winding Circle. He also rescues Sandry from that cellar.

Chapter two
Sandry’s great-uncle, Duke of Emelan, is all “I would take you in, but I’m a bachelor and girls are annoying” so she goes to Winding Circle. The Trader Council proclaim Daja an outcast and banish her forever because of her bad luck. Niko takes her to Winding Circle. Briar hates baths. Apparently these two chapters are like a series of random flashbacks and Niko can’t actually be in four places at once.

Chapter three
The other noblewomen being educated at the Temple are dead boring, so Sandry makes friends with Daja even though no one else will talk to her since she’s a Trader. Tris predicts an earthquake and the girl’s dormitory nun is freaked out. Some other kids try to beat up Daja, and Briar gets accused of stealing something even though he didn’t. Also, he has a bunch of knives? Anyway, they all get sent to live at Discipline Cottage, on the outskirts of the temple complex, though still within its big walls.

Chapter four
Two nuns dedicates run Discipline Cottage: Rosethorn, who’s all about her garden, and Lark, who is all about weaving. Rosethorn is the bitchy one. Some plants try to give Briar a great big hug, and Rosethorn rants about how much greenhouses suck.

Chapter five
Daja goes on a walk and finds the smithies. Tris learns how to meditate. Briar goes looking for this greenhouse, and finds a sick plant inside but gets chased away by Dedicate Crane. Lark teaches Sandry how to spin thread. Everyone has to do chores and take baths.

Chapter six
Some other kids start insulting the four and Tris almost attacks them with tornadoes! Niko shows them The Hub, which is the center of the Temple and where all the important magic happens, like Listeners hearing things on the wind.

Chapter seven
Sandry has trouble spinning thread because the wool just wants to stick to her since it “likes her”. Niko teaches Tris how to predict where lightning will strike, but warns her about trying to control nature and how it’s totes dangerous. Daja goes back to Frostpine, the Smith, and he agrees to teach her metalwork even though it is totes against the Trader Code. Lark used to be an acrobat.

Chapter eight
Briar stole the sick bonsai tree from the greenhouse, but Dedicate Crane saw him and chases him back to Discipline. Sandry, Daja, and Tris all run outside, possibly to fight him? Luckily Rosethorn is there and stops a children-on-monk smackdown. Rosethorn makes a deal where Briar can keep the sick bonsai tree if she gives Crane one of her tomato plants, which apparently he has a hard time growing in his totally blasphemous greenhouse. Because that’s a fair trade?

Chapter nine
Tris has to teach everyone else how to do chores because she grew up as cinderella. Sandry thinks after facing down Dedicate Crane they are all BFF but Daja and Tris aren’t so sure. Bonsai trees are full of MAGIC and totes sentient. Briar can talk to it with his mind. Sandry makes thread glow again and Daja catches a red hot piece of metal with no ill effects.

Chapter ten
Time to go to market and sell stuff the Temple has made! Rosethorn and Lark make the mistake of giving the children free time, and Sandry quickly finds WRONGS THAT MUST BE RIGHTED. She starts a fight with a gang of boys who are tormenting a stray dog. Natch they beat her, but Briar and Daja run to her defense. Tris decides to use her powers to help, trying to bring water from the nearby harbor to throw on them. WHOOPS she accidentally creates a water cyclone! Luckily she controls it until Lark comes and banishes it. Then the townsfolk are all bitchy until Duke Vedris/Sandry’s uncle comes and is all “Being mean to dogs is mean” and confines Tris to the Temple until she stops being a walking disaster. The children are also SHOCKED to discover that they are all MAGICAL! Seriously, shocked. Despite all the events of the last few chapters. Also, they get to keep the dog and name it Little Bear.

Chapter eleven
Tris decides to experiment with how powerful her magic is by trying to turn the tides. Of course, she almost dies because you can’t mess with nature.

Chapter twelve
A big earthquake is going to hit some other town tomorrow! The Temple seers send messages to warn them. Wave Circle Temple near there sends back the message “You may be surprised”. Everyone says that the guy who runs the Temple, Huath, is crazy because he builds machines to turn one kind of energy into another. The next day the children are out walking and a big earthquake hits! They are buried by rubble! Doomed to die? No, wait, they have magic! Daja uses her metal magic to firm up the rocks around them so the ceiling of their rubble cave doesn’t fall in. Sandry is freaking out because she’s afraid of the dark, and Tris warns them that another giant quake is coming, this time with magic!

Chapter thirteen
Sandry weaves their magical powers together so that they can help each other and their magic can work together to avoid being crushed by the next quake. In the process she gets a handy friendship bracelet of ULTIMATE POWER. Finally some people dig them out, and they hear the story of what happened. Apparently this Huath guy wanted to contain the power of the earthquake and put it to other uses. Obvs that backfired, broke out of the holding spell and “went in every direction”. Huath and everyone in the temple are dead, which is a bummer because I thought at least he was going to be the series main villain. Also, now the children can mind-speak. They make a magical glowing crystal for Sandry so she won’t have to ever be in the dark.

Next: Circle of Magic Book 2: Tris’ Book
Previously: Protector of the Small Book 4 Lady Knight

1. Terrible Movies

You have to be in the right mindset to watch something like Night of 1000 Cats or Stick It! or Titanic II. Luckily, I am always in that mindset.
 

2. Terrible Books

I like to think that I’m a little more discerning about the books I read than the movies I watch, but then I remembered how much I like making fun of things that try to be Twilight. Plus this summer I am going to try to tackle the ridic book Anna Baron gave me in one act payment two years ago: The Black Jewels Trilogy:

Anna Baron knows how to give gifts

3. Prehistoric Animals

Like an ostrich, BUT DEADLY

Dinosaurs are cool and all, but I really like all the weird stuff that came after them. I think I have seen all the National Geographic and BBC specials on stuff like this, so if you could just get me an actual leptictidium, that’d be favorite.

4. Art

For the rest of this epic face-off between James Fox and Middle School Patricia click the link in the paragraph below!

I will freely admit to being terrible at most art, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. Whether it’s making up self-involved comics as a birthday present or making a pig mascot of a lemonade tin. I think my decided lack of artistic ability has taught me some great shortcuts that can easily fool people into thinking I’m competent.

Like coloring inside the lines

5. Sewing

I have a sewing machine, a gift that’s so expensive I feel guilty every minute I’m not using it, which is most of them. I’ve made things before, but it’s a lot harder now when there’s no one to turn to when I inevitably screw things up. Still, I’m learning. Right now I’m in the middle of a crazy quilt made out of random scraps of old clothes. It’s less weird than it sounds.
 

6. Reading Aloud

You probably already know this, but I will take any opportunity to read aloud with someone. I especially like reading Terrible Books on car trips complete with sound effects.

Most Excruciating 16 Hours Ever

7. Car Trips

Trip Home from College, Summer 2009

Clearly I don’t hate car trips.

8. Tennis

Tennis is a relatively new thing I’ve started doing, usually with Steven and/or Rachel. We kind of make up our own rules and I’m still not great, but I’m definitely better than I was when I started, which is probably the best that can be hoped for. I really like the sounds the racket makes, the whoosh and the rubbery crack of hitting the ball.
 

9. Playing the Ukulele

I’ve had Gregor, this ukulele, ever since I realized that four strings are way easier than six. Since I was already the most lazy guitar player ever, it seemed like a no-brainer to make the switch. Unfortunately, since my leet guitar skillz lay mainly in classical fingerpicking, strumming patterns still sometimes elude me.

I reminded JerBear about this musical debut when he visited me last month by shouting the lyrics to "My Name Is Jeremy and I Suck" at him

10. Making Pie Crust

I'm skilled at rolling pins and getting my clothes really floury in equal measure

Pie crust is like the spoiled only child of the baking world. It demands constant attention, and you can do everything right and sometimes it still acts like a brat for no reason. Luckily my parenting and baking styles are both “I’m patient but not taking this shit” so it’s especially satisfying when I roll out and attach the last layer.

11. Sending Mail

It’s no secret how much I love writing letters and postcards. I don’t just send postcards to my closest friends and family, either. I’ve sent them to government offices, dentists, people who probably don’t remember me, and grumpy reference librarians. My favorite postcard trope is to write as whatever is pictured on the card. Example:

“Dear Josh, I know you love me but I really think we should just be friends. Platonic Love, The Space Program”
 

12. Getting Mail

I like these too much to have them be smooshed into one number. I love getting mail! I think everyone does. I also save anything personal anyone sends me. If you’ve sent me a letter or a card since maybe 2006, chances are it’s pasted into my journal. A lot of times I just paste the whole envelope in so I don’t have to obscure a side of the letter, which makes reading my old journals a lot like reading The Jolly Postman or Griffin and Sabine, except better because it’s mostly almost true.
 

13. Keeping journals

I’ve kept a journal since 6th grade, so approximately 13 years. Sometimes I would write every day, other times there’s gaps of a few months, and most of the time my handwriting is a trial to decipher, making me feel like I’m on a Patricia-centric archeological dig. The worst and best thing about it is that I often provide very little context for the events I’m recording, especially in middle school when the latest drama within my friend group seemed VITALLY IMPORTANT but I never wasted time explaining who anyone was because duh, I already knew that. Now I often find highly emotional entries about people I don’t even remember at all:

I’m sooo sick of Stephanie. Now Pallavi is, like, her best friend and everyone seems to like her. Even when she overcrowds our table and leaves her stuff everywhere. She always steals people’s chairs. Worst of all she’s always soooo mean to me. Like on Thursday Mrs. Love said to get a half sheet of paper to copy notes. I’m out of paper so I asked if someone would split a piece of paper with me. Everyone else was getting set up so they didn’t answer but Stephanie took the time to say “Why would I want to split a sheet of paper with you?” like I was some gross, disgusting, vile, worm thing. I answered her by pretending she didn’t know we needed a half sheet of paper, but I knew she meant why would she want to split a paper with me. I realize now I should have said something like “Why are you so mean” but I didn’t. Stephanie is always mean like that.

“Why are you so mean” is clearly the best come back to any bully. Half of my sixth grade journal is like this, the other half is oddly detailed descriptions of school assignments or books I’d read. For instance:

We watched Hamlet in gifted. It’s soooo depressing! Everyone dies. Hamlet is the prince of Denmark. His dad dies and then a month later his mom marries his uncle. Then Hamlet’s dad’s ghost comes and tells him he didn’t just die he was murdered by the one who wears his crown. Hamlet vows to take revenge. Meanwhile Polonius’ son is going off to college. Polonius’ daughter Ophellia is Hamlet’s girlfriend. Polonius forbids her to see Hamlet for some stupid reason. Hamlet is trying to tell his mother about his father and Polonius is hiding behind the curtain. Hamlet hears Polonius and drives his sword into the curtain killing Polonius. The king sends Hamlet away to England for awhile and while he’s there Ophellia goes crazy and jumps off a bridge. Laratis comes back from college and Hamlet gets back from England. Laratis is mad at Hamlet for killing his dad and challenges him to a duel. Laratis is poisoning his sword tip and the king is poisoning the wine. At the duel the king tells Hamlet to drink some wine. Hamlet says no. Then Hamlet’s mom who is so happy Hamlet is winning drinks the wine. They go on fighting. Laratis scratches Hamlet with the poison sword dishonorably. Then he drops the sword accidentally and Hamlet picks it up and wounds him with it. Then Hamlet sees his mom dying and kills the King for poisoning the mom. Then Laratis dies. And Hamlet.

I’d like to pretend 23-year-old Patricia is better at it than 11-year-old Patricia, but she’s really not.
 

14. Board Games, specifically Settlers of Catan

I love any board game, but one of my favorites is Settlers of Catan. I first played it at Bova’s house during one of my many long car trips home for Christmas. I remember being really tired after driving for at least 8 hours that day, and being annoyed at Bova’s sister for wanting to play some board game when I just wanted to sleep. Then it was Settlers of Catan and I forgot all about sleeping in the excitement of crushing Steven with my largest army.
 

15. Wine with ridiculous labels

This is the kind of advertising that really works on me. Whether it’s a bottle shaped like a cat, a label that’s just a smiley face, or a name like “This Wine Sucks”, I HAVE to check it out. I guess I feel like if I made wine, I would do something like that. And obvs I will like wine made by people like me. “The Wine Sucks”, by the way, is not the name of a real wine (to my knowledge), but I would be way excited if it was.
 

16. Pictures of Food

Of course, I also like cooking and eating food too, but I really need to see a picture of something before I can get remotely excited about making it. Steven makes fun of me for only checking out cook books with pictures of every recipe; I think he thinks it’s being superficial. After all, some cookbooks might not be able to afford as many color photos but their recipes are just as tasty! Just like some people don’t have good cameras are photography skillz (me), but the recipes they blog about are probably just as good. Too bad. Foodgawker is pretty much my favorite source of recipes because it is all pictures.

17. Hot Air Balloons

Rob and I have different interpretations of "Hot Air Balloon Face"

18. Narwhals

Michael Curtis thought it was so funny when I thought these things were mythological/photoshopped. I guess I should feel embarrassed, but I still only half-believe in them.

I mean, wtf?

19. Time Travel

But only hilarious time travel

20. NaNoWriMo (and Script Frenzy)

Without which the world would know nothing about William Marsh Rice’s age-old feud with Robert the Bruce:

 

21. Doctor Who

I liked it before it was cool

22. Picture Books For Kids and Adults

There’s a lot of these but my favorite is A Pig Parade is a Terrible Idea by Michael Ian Black.

 

23. Locopops!

Locopops is a local popsicle parlor (like an ice cream parlor but better)! They have new flavors every day, in both cream and ice pops! One of my favorites lately was Fluffernutter Pop, but mango chile is always good.
 

24. Steven Wiggins

Because he cares about the stupid shit I’m into.

This photo and Steven’s silly looking hair circa 2007.

Once again, for comparison purposes, I’ve decided to explain this book both as 23-year-old Patricia and 11-year-old Patricia.

The Woman Who Rides Like a Man by Tamora Pierce

Song of the Lioness Book 3

Then

The Sitch
Alanna is finally a knight and off on knightly adventures!!! Except instead of fighting dragons, she just ends up living with this desert tribe and being a shaman and it’s hot and there are all these tents. Then Prince Jonathan proposes!!! Except it is not that romantic, so Alanna says no and Jonathan is SHOCKED and HURT and starts dating some princess to make her jealous so Alanna starts dating stupid old George to make HIM jealous. Basically, it is 4th period Earth Science, but everyone has swords.

Our Heroine
Alanna is kind of boring in this book. She turns down Prince Jonathan, which is SHOCKING, but she was right because his proposal was way lame. He didn’t even try to woo her AT ALL; that is not how you treat a lady, especially when she is AMAZING. Most of the time, she is way mopey.

Now

The Sitch
Alanna goes off into the world to find adventures and ends up becoming the shaman of a Bazhir tribe in the desert, shaking up all their ideas about women and propriety. Then she hangs around with boys for awhile, and Thom acts mad suspicious.

Our Heroine
Now that I’m 23 instead of 11, I think I better understand Alanna in this book. At 11, she just seemed boring and noncommittal. I kept waiting for her to do something. Now, of course, I get her completely because, hey, I have been there, homegirl. Alanna’s not sure about her identity or her place in the world, she’s torn between a familiar love interest who wants her for “all the wrong reasons” and a guy who she may or may not be using as a rebound. Plus, she flips out whenever anyone mentions that she might want to start popping out the babies since, come on, she is 18 already and that is obvs the time to settle down from all this crazy knight business. I feel you, Alanna. In this book more than ever, I want to invite you out for drinks and give you advice starting with “Girrrrrrrrrrrl…. y’all are better than these crazy boys!” Then we would clink our glasses and toast to Lady Power (we have leveled up from Girl Power at this point) and remaining Free of Society’s Expectations.

Play by Play Notes

Chapter one: The Woman Who Rides Like a Man
Alanna and Coram are attacked by Hill Men! In the fight, Alanna’s magical sword Lightning is broken! They become captives/guests of the Bloody Hawk tribe of the Bazhir desert people. Their headman thinks she is cool, but their shaman thinks she is a demon and wants to kill her. Natch they decide through Trial by Combat.

Chapter Two: The Bloody Hawk
She wins! By law, she is now part of their tribe. The shaman still tries to kill her a bunch, particularly with his evil magic sword. The Bazhir have a kind of high priest of all the tribes called The Voice who apparently spends an hour each night listening to all the thoughts of all the people in all the tribes. It is Ali, the guy she met at the Black City! He tells her that he is dying and Prince Jonathan must become the new Voice of the Tribes.

Chapter Three: Bazhir Shaman
Coram goes to get Jonathan, and Alanna can’t fix her sword because it is too magical. The shaman tries to kill Alanna again, but ends up killing himself by accident. Alanna becomes the new shaman! I wish awesome new jobs would just fall into my lap like that.

Chapter Four: Studies in Sorcery
Now that she is the shaman, Alanna decides to start teaching some obviously magical “outcast” teenagers to replace her. The two girls are timid because they are girls, and the boy is too arrogant. Alanna has dreams about Duke Roger coming back to life, but assumes that they are not prophetic at all.

Chapter Five: Apprentices
The women of the tribe are finally accepting Alanna and her two girl apprentices! Boy apprentice is still annoying. Thom sends Alanna a letter saying he is studying Duke Roger’s old papers, in a totally non-suspicious way. Arrogant boy apprentice tries to master the ex-shaman’s evil magical sword, and it kills him.

Chapter Six: Ceremonies
Sir Myles and Jonathan are here! Jonathan has to learn everything about the Bazhir and being the Voice before Ali dies. Prince J is going through his rebellious streak, and then asks Alanna to marry him. She accuses him of just wanting it for shock value, and then says she wants to think about it. Alanna realizes marrying Jonathan would involve being a normal, boring lady and having lots of babies.

Chapter Seven: The Voice of the Tribes
Jonathan becomes Voice of the Tribes! Alanna discovers he thought “I want to think about it” meant “Yes! Marry me right now!” and is pissed. They fight, and he tells her she is unwomanly and doesn’t know her place. Prince J goes back home and flirts up a storm with some visiting princess to make Alanna jealous/staunch the weeping of his broken heart.

Chapter Eight: The King of the Thieves
Alanna goes to visit George in Port Caynn, where he is quelling a thief rebellion. They immediately start sleeping together “because he doesn’t take me for granted”. Then on All Hallow (which I guess is fantasy-medieval Halloween) Alanna wakes up DRAINED OF MAGIC and knows it must by Thom. He writes saying he was doing an “experiment” and just needed to “borrow” her power. Then everyone is almost poisoned by some thief back in the capital named Claw. George has to go deal out some thief justice and Alanna goes back to the desert because she still cannot be within a ten mile radius of Jonathan and his slutty new princess.

Chapter Nine: At the Sign of the Dancing Dove
Claw def used to be a nobleman, but no one can tell who because he is horribly disfigured by acid! Thom may or may not be trying to raise the dead! Bet you see where this is going.

Chapter Ten: The Doomed Sorceress
Alanna is all “I’m bored” and the Bloody Hawk headman says, “Well, you could always go save my childhood BFF who is about to be burned at the stake by ignorant villagers for witchcraft”. So she does. She arrives too late, but the sorceress’ dying words tell her how to fix her sword: by merging it with the evil magical sword. Alanna has another dream about Roger coming back to life but Coram is all “That’s crazy; no author would carelessly kill off her main villain before realizing she actually needed him for two more books.” Alanna is as surprised as I am that this is really the anticlimactic end of the book.

Also see: Song of the Lioness Book 1: Alanna: The First Adventure
Book 2: In the Hands of the Goddess
Next Up: Lioness Rampant!

Once again, for comparison purposes, I’ve decided to explain this book both as 23-year-old Patricia and 11-year-old Patricia.

In The Hand of the Goddess by Tamora Pierce

Song of the Lioness Book 2

Then

The Sitch
This book is even more amazing than the first one because Alanna is now Prince Jonathan’s squire!!!!! Also, she now has a magical talking cat named Faithful and is totally, totally madly in love with Prince Jonathan. They don’t get married at the end, but I am sure it is only a matter of TIME. Duke Roger is still being a complete jerk about everything.

Our Heroine
Alanna is even more amazing in this book!!! Both Prince Jonathan and George are madly in love with her, but obvs only Prince Jonathan can win her heart!! Plus, she goes to war and kicks some Tusaine butt, and becomes a knight at the end! Yay!!!

Now

The Sitch
Alanna is now a squire to Prince Jonathan, one of the few who know her secret: that she’s actually a girl. In this book Alanna stops a war, earns her shield, and finally confronts Duke Roger about his magical plotting. Plus, she learns more about MATTERS OF THE HEART.

Our Heroine
Alanna is less annoying to me in this book, but I’m not sure why. I think the people around her begin to develop more distinct personalities, and stop simply being Alanna Cheerleaders. For some reason, Middle School Patricia was convinced that Alanna and Prince Jonathan were OTL¹, despite the book’s narration being pretty clear that they are just friends with benefits. George, the King of Thieves, her other love interest, was of no interest to Middle School Patricia, who always envisioned him as a middle aged man, making his interactions with her extremely creepy. This time around, I can see how George and Alanna are a better fit personality wise, but am annoyed that Tamora Pierce never shows us how George’s feelings develop. Unlike Prince Jonathan, George is pretty much shown as being madly in love with her from the very beginning of this book, which is probably why Middle School Patricia ignored him as potential OTL material. That, and the Old Guy Grossness.

Play by Play Notes

Chapter one: The Lady in the Forrest
Alanna meets the Great Mother Goddess one night in the forest. She warns her to learn to love, gives her a magical glowing ember necklace, and a magical talking cat BFF. She names it Faithful, not Killer, proving yet again that she is really not committed to this whole Pretending to Be a Boy thing.

Chapter Two: Duke Roger of Conté
Alanna fights Sir Dain, a knight in Tortall with the Tusaine ambassador, because he is insulting Tortall’s honor. She wins even though he fights dirty and Duke Roger is impressed.

Chapter Three: The Prince’s Squire
George tells Alanna fifteen is old enough to get married, and then he kisses her and she is all, “Whatever, I don’t need ANY MAN, I am going to be a knight, fool.” A magical boar tries to kill her in the forest (Duke Roger!?!?) and everyone at court, including Jonathan, is madly in love with some annoying girl named Delia. Alex, Alanna’s friend and Duke Roger’s squire, decides to fight a friendly duel with Alanna that quickly turns DEADLY. Luckily, Sir Myles interrupts them after Alex breaks her collarbone.

Chapter Four: A Cry of War
Tusaine and Tortall are at war! Duke Gareth has a freak accident (Duke Roger?!?!?) so our pal, Duke Roger leads the knights and soldiers from the palace. George once again tells Alanna they should get married, and she once again says that she needs NO MAN.

Chapter Five: By the River Drell
Alanna spends lots of time with the foot soldiers even though she is a noble. There is a nice one named Thor, and a mean one named Jem. Then one night Jem and Thor disappear from their guard posts and there is a major battle!! Luckily Alanna warns everyone in time. Later she finds Thor dying in the dark after Jem attacked him and uses her magic to ease his death even though it knocks her out because she is wounded.

Chapter Six: Captured!
Alanna and Jonathan get all makey-outy because he is so happy she’s okay. Later Duke Roger finds her on watch and is all, “We could be great friends, you and I!” (evil eyebrow waggle) and Alanna responds, “I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU IN EVIL!!!” Then a magical fog comes up and she’s captured. Jonathan plans a rescue mission even though crossing the river is totally against the King’s orders. Jem is really Jemis, the King of Tusaine’s brother! The rescue mission captures him and his other brother, forcing the King of Tusaine to agree to a peace treaty for their return.

Chapter Seven: Winter Lessons
Alanna wants lessons on how to be a lady from George’s mom, Mistress Cooper. Wolves in the forest start eating children, so everyone goes out to hunt them. A giant one attacks Alanna, and, since she is holding the Goddess’ Mystical Ember Necklace when she kills it, she sees that it is surrounded by magic–the same color as Duke Roger’s!!!! On her birthday, she is super annoyed by Jonathan’s flirting with ladies, so she puts on her lady disguise dress and wig and goes into the garden, where she meets Jonathan. He sees the pregnancy charm Mistress Cooper gave her and is all, “Why don’t we try it out to see if it works?” Which is maybe the lamest pick up line ever. “Let’s try out that contraception, baby. There’s a 50% chance of unwanted pregnancy, but a 100% chance of love!” At first Alanna is all, “Ew, no” but later she relents into, “Whatever, I guess.”

Chapter Eight: Fears
Alanna and Jonathan continue to be friends with benefits. Someone tries to drown Alanna while ice skating (Roger?!?!?!). George is sad that Alanna is in love with Jonathan, but Alanna insists that she is just using him for sex (in euphemism; but I still don’t know how Middle School Patricia missed it). Alanna and George go visit Thom in the City of the Gods, where everyone hates him because he is the youngest master sorcerer ever, and kind of a dick. He promises to come to the capital after she’s made a knight to watch the Roger situation after Alanna leaves on her knight adventures. On the way home, Alanna and George are attacked (Roger?!?!?).

Chapter Nine: The Ordeal
Here is how to become a knight in Tortall:
1) Be a page: go to classes, learn weapons, serve dinner to people
2) Be a squire: serve a knight, learn weapons
3) Pass the Ordeal: take a purifying bath while two knights read you the code of chivalry, keep a silent vigil, go into the magic Chamber of the Ordeal and stay in there still without making a sound until it’s over
Alanna tells Gary, Duke Gareth’s son, her secret so that he and Prince Jonathan can chivalry her up after her bath. He thinks it’s hilarious. The Ordeal Chamber basically throws all her worst fears at her, but she survives and becomes a knight! Yay! Thom gives her a magical shield that looks like the normal Trebond arms, but changes magically into a Lioness Rampant for when she reveals her real identity.

Chapter Ten: To Duel the Sorcerer
Alanna decides it is finally, FINALLY time to do something about Duke Roger and his constant attempts to kill her. She ransacks his rooms and finds voodoo dolls of everyone. She accuses him in front of the entire court and he challenges her to trial by combat. During the fight, he uses magical illusions to confuse her, but she uses her Magic Goddess Necklace to see through that shit. Then his sword rips open her shirt and special boob-crushing corset and OMG THE SECRET IS OUT. Everyone is all “WTF???” but the shock helps her kill Duke Roger, dead once and for all (or IS HE?)

Epilogue
Sir Alanna and Coram are off on adventures! All her friends try to get her to stay, but she is sick of this cold weather crap. Plus, she just killed the King’s nephew and all, so it’s probably time to get the hell out of dodge.

Also see: Song of the Lioness Book 1, Alanna: The First Adventure

Next Up: Woman Who Rides Like a Man!

• ¹One True Love↑

Then at the library I found a new book of short stories by Tamora Pierce. Some kind of latent 6th grade instinct made my hand reach out and snatch it, before I realized that 1) I am not obsessed with Tamora Pierce anymore and 2) I haven’t read any Tamora Pierce since half-way through the Kel series, so I’m pretty behind. Basically the only thing to do at that point was go back and start at the very beginning. Luckily, they read a lot faster now that I am 12 years older.

There are a lot of more badass covers on later editions now, but this is the one I had in middle school

For comparison purposes, I’ve decided to explain this book both as 23-year-old Patricia and 11-year-old Patricia.

Alannna: The First Adventure by Tamora Pierce

Then

The Sitch
Alanna has to pretend to be a boy because everyone is way mean and won’t let her be a knight as a girl even though she is totally the best!!!! Also, she has a horse named Moonlight and a sword named Lightning! She also has magic and uses it to save Prince Jonathan twice!!

Our Heroine
Alanna is the best!!!! She can fight better than ANY boy even though she is smaller and is super brave and amazing. Also, she has red hair and purple eyes, which is the best possible combination! If only I could dye my hair and buy color contacts to look just like her!

Now

The Sitch
Alanna, a fiesty ten-year-old, switches places with her twin brother and starts pretending to be a boy so she can go to the palace and start training to be a knight. This book covers her three years as a page.

Our Heroine
Alanna is kind of a Mary Sue. Pretty much everyone loves her, and if they don’t, that’s a sign that they’re the bad guy. I didn’t really notice when I first read this book that most of the other characters only exist to reassure Alanna that she really IS that amazing whenever she thinks she’s not. Still, girl’s got game, and more Girl Power than a Spice Girls concert. Also, no one guesses that she’s a girl even though she names her horse “Moonlight”. Wake up, everyone in Tortall.

Play by Play Notes

Chapter one: Twins
Alanna doesn’t want to be a lady and Thom, her twin, doesn’t want to be a knight. So they switch places! Apparently Lady School is the same as Beginner Sorcerer School so that works out. Plus, their father is a fantasy-medieval dead beat dad, so he doesn’t even notice. Before she leaves, the village wisewoman warns Alanna to use her magic to heal to make up for the killing she will do. Alanna is like “Whatever”. Alanna and her manservant Coram arrive in the capital and Alanna is full of fierce determination!

Chapter Two: The New Page
Alanna immediately gets into a fight with an older page named Ralon. Luckily, Prince Jonathan and his posse put a stop to it and immediately are all about Alanna (or “Alan”). Classes are super hard, but she won’t give up! On a free morning in the city, she meets George, King of Thieves, who says that he senses with his Gift (like magical powers) that he should be her friend. She is flattered instead of creeped out.

Chapter Three: Ralon
Ralon beats up Alanna whenever he can. Prince Jonathan and his posse try to stop it, but Alanna is stubborn and Can Fight Her Own Battles! She asks George to teach her dirty street fighting and practices all the time! Then she finally beats him up in front of everyone, he vows revenge but leaves court, and Alanna and Jonathan become BFF because she is so brave and amazing.

Chapter Four: Death in the Palace
The Sweating Fever sweeps through the city killing people. The disease seems to be magical, because it drains the healers who try to help. Francis, who is apparently Alanna’s friend despite having only one line so far, ends up dying and Alanna is wracked by guilt. Obviously because she is not willing to use her Gift it is all her fault! Then Jonathan gets sick but all the palace healers are too weak to help!! Alanna uses her magic to snatch him out of the jaws of death! Sir Myles, her teacher BFF who was watching, starts to suspect she is a girl.

Chapter Five: The Second Year
Alanna has to bind her growing breasts and it’s a bummer. Duke Roger, Jonathan’s cousin and an uber-sorcerer, comes to court to start teaching them to use their Gift. Alanna instantly hates him like woah, obviously because he is the bad guy. Alanna finally gets to start fighting with swords but is bad at it.

Chapter Six: Womanhood
Alanna does not know what periods are and freaks out that she is dying. She runs into the city and demands that George take her to a woman healer. George is all, “WTF?” and Alanna is all “I AM GIRL!” and George is all “…. right” and takes her to his healer mom, who pretty much laughs at Alanna and gives her the facts of life talk. Alanna and Sir Myles visit his estate where he shows her the ruins of the Old Ones. She finds a secret passage and a magic sword! Thom sends her a letter saying Duke Roger is totes evil and def caused the Sweating Sickness. Alanna is finally great at swords because of all her practice.

Chapter Seven: The Black City
The Squires take a field trip to the dessert! Alanna goes too because she is BFF with Prince Jonathan (and everyone). Duke Roger tells all of them, “No one should go near the super evil, super magic Black City! Except if you happen to be in front of me in line for the throne and might happen upon a convenient accident, I mean!” Alanna thinks this is mad suspicious but no one else does. Jonathan, of course, sneaks off to the haunted Black City and Alanna follows. There they fight the Nameless Ones for their souls with magic and swords. They win, but Alanna’s clothes magically fall off revealing she is a girl. Jonathan is like “Oh, whatever” and because she fought so well he chooses her to be his squire when he is promoted to knight.

Next in the Song of the Lioness Quartet: In the Hand of the Goddess

• ¹At the time, I thought this was an act. But after reflection and seeing them again since, I have proven to be dead right. Good job, 15-year-old me.↑

I used to be obsessed with writing letters to my future self. In middle school I would write two a year: one to myself a year from then, and one to myself TEN years from then. I ended up opening all of the “To Patricia in Ten Years” ones early while cleaning out my closet in high school. I don’t remember what I wrote exactly but it was always something along the lines of:

“Dear Patricia in 2010,
I can’t even imagine what your life must be like!!! [hand drawn picture of stars and hearts] Are you a writer? Do you work for a famous magazine? HAVE YOU WRITTEN A BESTSELLER YET? WHY NOT? Did Brad Tolliver ever ask you out? ARE YOU ENGAGED? Too bad you won’t be able to answer these questions. Because you can’t go back in time. Or maybe you can because someone has invented time travel! But I bet there are rules where you can’t come back and talk to me.
You are amazing!!! (I hope)
Love,
Patricia in 2000″

Middle School Patricia knew that the first thing Future Patricia would do, given access to time travel, would be to come back in time and save Middle School Patricia from any number of embarrassing incidents involving bad fashion, braces, and boys. So obviously time travel could not be real. Also, she was convinced that whoever happened to be sitting next to her in math class that semester was her OTL. As you do.

If I could ever answer these letters, I would reply that, No, I haven’t written a bestseller yet, because I’m too busy being a superhero with awesome hair. She would be somewhat mollified.

Anyway, I have managed to write to some real people this week:

Anyway, this weekend I decided to celebrate the lesser known aspects of Middle School Patricia when I was at Harris Teeter and found myself staring at the packets of Lipton/Knorr’s Pasta Sides. That is why they are number 1 on my list of things Middle School Patricia likes.
1. Pasta Sides

Actually, the Sesame Thai Noodle one was the best

This weekend I bought some for maybe the first time since then, rationalizing that sharing it with Steven would get over the whole A FAMILY OF FOUR stigma. It was only then that I realized that, yes, it was supposed to feed A FAMILY OF FOUR but as a small side, meaning that my years of eating it for supper by itself were probably not The Most Shameful Thing I Have Ever Done. I did not, in fact, have a stomach the size of A FAMILY OF FOUR. Not that they are the healthiest thing ever either, but I’m glad I can stop stressing about that.

2. David Eddings’ Novels

Most of the cover art seems to be constructed from an album of Generic Fantasy ClipArt 1992

2. People always seem to be winking in his novels. People do not wink at each other this often, David Eddings! Every time anyone winks at anyone else we replace it with a bad pick up line or just the words “How you doin’?”

3. Eddings loves his adverbs, and none more so than “dryly”. Every character is always saying things dryly when they aren’t winking and waving around their swords, so we’ve been replacing dryly with whatever adverb springs to mind. A few good ones are: moistly, sexily, breathlessly, seductively, wetly, inevitably.

4. Another common plot device is the use of various Prophecies. One of the characters will read the Prophecy aloud and someone will ALWAYS then remark “It’s all gibberish!” when in reality it tells them exactly what they’re supposed to do. Then someone, usually the old and wise Belgarath the Sorcerer, will painstakingly explain what it means. Whenever a prophecy gets read, Steven tends to just shout “GIBBERISH! GIBBERISH GIBBERISH!” throughout.

5. Whenever any of the women talk, it’s almost always appropriate to add “BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN” after their speech. Such as when they discover that being married and doing domestic chores is WAY better than being the world’s most powerful sorceress or having adventures.

3. Springy butterfly hairclips

I'm surprised there's not more pictures of these online

Because they were the coolest things ever. Except when the springs that made the wings move got tangled in your hair.

This graphic, the only semi-tangible prize, was SO WORTH IT.

Granted, my main memories of Thanksgiving are of writing 17,000 words in two days, but still! Look at this picture I won!!! In case you were wondering, the novel ends with the three different Patricias plus random historical/alternate time line characters teaming up to USE THEIR IMAGINATIONS to defeat the Plutonians. Apparently illogical thought processes are their one weakness, making Middle School Patricia the ultimate contender.

I can’t be bothered to post the entire novel on here, but here is the wordle art version of it:

I like how PATRICIA dominates. Just like always. Click for larger image (i.e. to read any words that aren’t PATRICIA)