1. The Drive to Find Something You Love, and Do It No Matter What

If you know my mom, you know she’s a math teacher. It’s impossible to not know this about her, it’s so much a part of who she is. It is kind of ridiculous how much extra time outside of school she spends preparing, grading, and communicating with parents and students. In one of the education classes I had to take in grad school the prof was telling us about how most teachers suck because they don’t communicate with parents. She finally admitted that some teachers will try to contact a parent if the student is doing poorly, but “have you ever heard of a teacher who contacts a parent with positive reinforcement?” I get that she was trying to make a point, but I still raised my hand and said, “Yes, I lived with her for 18 years and the rest of y’all really need to catch up.” Okay, maybe not that last part.

My mom, outside her classroom!

Because I grew up with this, I didn’t really think it was weird that she went in hours early and stayed hours late to help students before and after school, or spent entire evenings calling parents, or made breakfast for her classes before the big AP test. That’s just what you do when you have a job, right?

Well, in the real world, it turns out not really. This study found that only 20% of people are very passionate about their jobs, and that was back in 2005. The same year, coincidentally, that I got my first job and poured about 50-60 hours a week into making the library the best place ever. Sure, it’s not the most glamorous or well-paying job ever, but I love it, and I don’t mind pouring more time and energy into it than anything else in my life because I know it’s worth it. Just like to my mom teaching is worth it. Perhaps the most important lesson she taught me through her own kick ass example is to love what you do, and do whatever it takes to do what you love. Because in the end, happiness is more important than money or fame or any of the other things I might be hoarding if I weren’t so into librarianing.

Not as important as loving your job... but both would be nice

2. A Healthy Attitude About Beauty

This had to be on the list since a preoccupation with beauty standards is something it’s almost impossible to escape as a girl in our society. I’m not saying I was totally immune–I suffered through middle school just like everyone else, thanks–but it definitely could have been a lot worse if I was also feeling subconscious pressure from my mom. It’s not like it would have been her fault, but you internalize so much at that age she couldn’t have helped it. If I’d grown up seeing my mom plaster her face with thick coats of makeup every day before daring to show her face outside or spending hours “fixing” her hair I’m sure I too would have assumed I needed all that, just to be presentable. Instead, she never really worried about it.

"The only thing I'm worried about is why you are still taking pictures when it is summer in Houston and I am dying of heat stroke, DAD"

Pretty much every potential fashion/beauty discussion I ever had with my mom growing up centered around the question “Are you comfortable?”, from which shoes to buy to how to deal with my hair. It’s not that we don’t want to look nice, but that will always be a secondary concern to things like “Can I walk?” and “Am I melting because we live in Florida?” Seeing the money and effort and worry people expend on beauty in the real world, I’m glad I never learned to stress about it too much.

3. Bluntness

You may have noticed before, but I never really hesitate to tell people what I think. This is because I never learned not to. Steven sometimes still has a hard time getting over how weirdly blunt my family is, although usually he’s polite and uses words like “honest” or “earnest”. However you word it, it really boils down to Mom Ladd being completely unable to not tell you what she thinks of you.

Growing up in the wastes of North Dakota you were always too busy not being eaten by polar bears for subtlety or secrets.

I find it refreshing, because you never have to worry about what kind of an impression you’re making or where you stand. Sometimes it really frustrates me when other people are more cagey with their opinions, since I hate having to guess. If you don’t like me or something I’m doing, just say it, because I won’t hesitate to do the same, and there won’t be any hard feelings. Luckily it works the opposite way too, which is why I’m totally unafraid to start conversations with strangers on the streets of Carrboro if it means complimenting their hat made out of flowers or asking why they’re wearing a parachute in the grocery store. The answer (in case you are too afraid to interact with others) is “because it’s Carrboro, duh”

4. An Unafraid Ability to Try to Make Things

My mom is always making things: food, quilts, math Christmas elves, whatever.

This little guy is the one who leaves protractors and graphing calculators in the stockings of good little math students

In fact, till college I was largely unaware of the amount of premade food you could get at the grocery store in mix or frozen form. I just assumed you had to make almost everything from scratch because we always did. Similarly, I was shocked when I discovered that some people buy Halloween costumes, rather than cobble together a pattern in July and work on it till October 31st. On the one hand, this means that I still do lots of things the slow way. On the other, if the thing I want doesn’t exist at a store, I’m not really daunted because, like my mom, I’ll just figure out a way to make something similar myself. Because my mom gave me so much experience cooking, sewing, and crafting, I’m not afraid to try new things or plow right into something I’ve never done before, knowing that, like her, I’ll probably be able to figure something out.

She also taught me how to work around your own lack of talent. My mom tells everyone she’s a terrible drawer, which may or may not be true, but she still never balked at helping me with art-related school projects because 1) she’s fearless and 2) she’s smart, and could almost always find a creative solution that minimized the drawing ability necessary. Whether it was collage or tracing or just making the bad art its own joke, I still try not to be discouraged when I come up against a task I think I’m not very good at. My kick ass mom taught me to just look at it from a different way and try a new approach.

5. Storytelling

My family are super into math. I mean, obviously. So I think it was slightly baffling to my parents when I was more interested in writing stories than anything else in the world for most of my childhood. My mom always says that she doesn’t know where I get my creativity from, which is stupid, because it’s clearly, clearly her.

My mom loves telling stories. She doesn’t think of it that way, because most of her stories actually happened–at least, at some point, in a less embellished way–but it’s totally the same thing. Her students have even made a facebook group about the random stories she tells them in class before the bell rings. I have heard all of the classics so many times that I could easily tell them myself, but not with the excitement my mom brings with each new retelling; the Fork Story, the Dead Guy at Burger King Story, and the Pet Fly story are popular favorites, according to facebook. She even has a great sense of timing and build up. When I call home and ask my dad what’s been going down in groove town, he’ll probably say something along the lines of “Oh, we found a stray dog and got it home”. My mom will relate the same story by setting the scene dramatically: “…. and then I turned around and there was A STRAY DOG JUST SITTING IN THE CAR!!!” Then she’ll make you wait to find out the ending, dragging out the details for dramatic effect. Her students should recognize it too. Why do you think she always starts stories right before the bell is about to ring? So you are excited to come to class tomorrow and hear the end! She is like the Scheherazade of the math department. Without all the murder.

Obviously I could go on about my kick ass mom forever, but those are the top five I can think of right now. I will keep you posted if I start noticing other instances of me turning into her! And I will try to write about some other kick ass women (both real and literary) who had a good influence on a younger, gentler version of the Patricia you know and love.

1. Terrible Movies

You have to be in the right mindset to watch something like Night of 1000 Cats or Stick It! or Titanic II. Luckily, I am always in that mindset.
 

2. Terrible Books

I like to think that I’m a little more discerning about the books I read than the movies I watch, but then I remembered how much I like making fun of things that try to be Twilight. Plus this summer I am going to try to tackle the ridic book Anna Baron gave me in one act payment two years ago: The Black Jewels Trilogy:

Anna Baron knows how to give gifts

3. Prehistoric Animals

Like an ostrich, BUT DEADLY

Dinosaurs are cool and all, but I really like all the weird stuff that came after them. I think I have seen all the National Geographic and BBC specials on stuff like this, so if you could just get me an actual leptictidium, that’d be favorite.

4. Art

For the rest of this epic face-off between James Fox and Middle School Patricia click the link in the paragraph below!

I will freely admit to being terrible at most art, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. Whether it’s making up self-involved comics as a birthday present or making a pig mascot of a lemonade tin. I think my decided lack of artistic ability has taught me some great shortcuts that can easily fool people into thinking I’m competent.

Like coloring inside the lines

5. Sewing

I have a sewing machine, a gift that’s so expensive I feel guilty every minute I’m not using it, which is most of them. I’ve made things before, but it’s a lot harder now when there’s no one to turn to when I inevitably screw things up. Still, I’m learning. Right now I’m in the middle of a crazy quilt made out of random scraps of old clothes. It’s less weird than it sounds.
 

6. Reading Aloud

You probably already know this, but I will take any opportunity to read aloud with someone. I especially like reading Terrible Books on car trips complete with sound effects.

Most Excruciating 16 Hours Ever

7. Car Trips

Trip Home from College, Summer 2009

Clearly I don’t hate car trips.

8. Tennis

Tennis is a relatively new thing I’ve started doing, usually with Steven and/or Rachel. We kind of make up our own rules and I’m still not great, but I’m definitely better than I was when I started, which is probably the best that can be hoped for. I really like the sounds the racket makes, the whoosh and the rubbery crack of hitting the ball.
 

9. Playing the Ukulele

I’ve had Gregor, this ukulele, ever since I realized that four strings are way easier than six. Since I was already the most lazy guitar player ever, it seemed like a no-brainer to make the switch. Unfortunately, since my leet guitar skillz lay mainly in classical fingerpicking, strumming patterns still sometimes elude me.

I reminded JerBear about this musical debut when he visited me last month by shouting the lyrics to "My Name Is Jeremy and I Suck" at him

10. Making Pie Crust

I'm skilled at rolling pins and getting my clothes really floury in equal measure

Pie crust is like the spoiled only child of the baking world. It demands constant attention, and you can do everything right and sometimes it still acts like a brat for no reason. Luckily my parenting and baking styles are both “I’m patient but not taking this shit” so it’s especially satisfying when I roll out and attach the last layer.

11. Sending Mail

It’s no secret how much I love writing letters and postcards. I don’t just send postcards to my closest friends and family, either. I’ve sent them to government offices, dentists, people who probably don’t remember me, and grumpy reference librarians. My favorite postcard trope is to write as whatever is pictured on the card. Example:

“Dear Josh, I know you love me but I really think we should just be friends. Platonic Love, The Space Program”
 

12. Getting Mail

I like these too much to have them be smooshed into one number. I love getting mail! I think everyone does. I also save anything personal anyone sends me. If you’ve sent me a letter or a card since maybe 2006, chances are it’s pasted into my journal. A lot of times I just paste the whole envelope in so I don’t have to obscure a side of the letter, which makes reading my old journals a lot like reading The Jolly Postman or Griffin and Sabine, except better because it’s mostly almost true.
 

13. Keeping journals

I’ve kept a journal since 6th grade, so approximately 13 years. Sometimes I would write every day, other times there’s gaps of a few months, and most of the time my handwriting is a trial to decipher, making me feel like I’m on a Patricia-centric archeological dig. The worst and best thing about it is that I often provide very little context for the events I’m recording, especially in middle school when the latest drama within my friend group seemed VITALLY IMPORTANT but I never wasted time explaining who anyone was because duh, I already knew that. Now I often find highly emotional entries about people I don’t even remember at all:

I’m sooo sick of Stephanie. Now Pallavi is, like, her best friend and everyone seems to like her. Even when she overcrowds our table and leaves her stuff everywhere. She always steals people’s chairs. Worst of all she’s always soooo mean to me. Like on Thursday Mrs. Love said to get a half sheet of paper to copy notes. I’m out of paper so I asked if someone would split a piece of paper with me. Everyone else was getting set up so they didn’t answer but Stephanie took the time to say “Why would I want to split a sheet of paper with you?” like I was some gross, disgusting, vile, worm thing. I answered her by pretending she didn’t know we needed a half sheet of paper, but I knew she meant why would she want to split a paper with me. I realize now I should have said something like “Why are you so mean” but I didn’t. Stephanie is always mean like that.

“Why are you so mean” is clearly the best come back to any bully. Half of my sixth grade journal is like this, the other half is oddly detailed descriptions of school assignments or books I’d read. For instance:

We watched Hamlet in gifted. It’s soooo depressing! Everyone dies. Hamlet is the prince of Denmark. His dad dies and then a month later his mom marries his uncle. Then Hamlet’s dad’s ghost comes and tells him he didn’t just die he was murdered by the one who wears his crown. Hamlet vows to take revenge. Meanwhile Polonius’ son is going off to college. Polonius’ daughter Ophellia is Hamlet’s girlfriend. Polonius forbids her to see Hamlet for some stupid reason. Hamlet is trying to tell his mother about his father and Polonius is hiding behind the curtain. Hamlet hears Polonius and drives his sword into the curtain killing Polonius. The king sends Hamlet away to England for awhile and while he’s there Ophellia goes crazy and jumps off a bridge. Laratis comes back from college and Hamlet gets back from England. Laratis is mad at Hamlet for killing his dad and challenges him to a duel. Laratis is poisoning his sword tip and the king is poisoning the wine. At the duel the king tells Hamlet to drink some wine. Hamlet says no. Then Hamlet’s mom who is so happy Hamlet is winning drinks the wine. They go on fighting. Laratis scratches Hamlet with the poison sword dishonorably. Then he drops the sword accidentally and Hamlet picks it up and wounds him with it. Then Hamlet sees his mom dying and kills the King for poisoning the mom. Then Laratis dies. And Hamlet.

I’d like to pretend 23-year-old Patricia is better at it than 11-year-old Patricia, but she’s really not.
 

14. Board Games, specifically Settlers of Catan

I love any board game, but one of my favorites is Settlers of Catan. I first played it at Bova’s house during one of my many long car trips home for Christmas. I remember being really tired after driving for at least 8 hours that day, and being annoyed at Bova’s sister for wanting to play some board game when I just wanted to sleep. Then it was Settlers of Catan and I forgot all about sleeping in the excitement of crushing Steven with my largest army.
 

15. Wine with ridiculous labels

This is the kind of advertising that really works on me. Whether it’s a bottle shaped like a cat, a label that’s just a smiley face, or a name like “This Wine Sucks”, I HAVE to check it out. I guess I feel like if I made wine, I would do something like that. And obvs I will like wine made by people like me. “The Wine Sucks”, by the way, is not the name of a real wine (to my knowledge), but I would be way excited if it was.
 

16. Pictures of Food

Of course, I also like cooking and eating food too, but I really need to see a picture of something before I can get remotely excited about making it. Steven makes fun of me for only checking out cook books with pictures of every recipe; I think he thinks it’s being superficial. After all, some cookbooks might not be able to afford as many color photos but their recipes are just as tasty! Just like some people don’t have good cameras are photography skillz (me), but the recipes they blog about are probably just as good. Too bad. Foodgawker is pretty much my favorite source of recipes because it is all pictures.

17. Hot Air Balloons

Rob and I have different interpretations of "Hot Air Balloon Face"

18. Narwhals

Michael Curtis thought it was so funny when I thought these things were mythological/photoshopped. I guess I should feel embarrassed, but I still only half-believe in them.

I mean, wtf?

19. Time Travel

But only hilarious time travel

20. NaNoWriMo (and Script Frenzy)

Without which the world would know nothing about William Marsh Rice’s age-old feud with Robert the Bruce:

 

21. Doctor Who

I liked it before it was cool

22. Picture Books For Kids and Adults

There’s a lot of these but my favorite is A Pig Parade is a Terrible Idea by Michael Ian Black.

 

23. Locopops!

Locopops is a local popsicle parlor (like an ice cream parlor but better)! They have new flavors every day, in both cream and ice pops! One of my favorites lately was Fluffernutter Pop, but mango chile is always good.
 

24. Steven Wiggins

Because he cares about the stupid shit I’m into.

This photo and Steven’s silly looking hair circa 2007.

Goth Prof

Sadly not an actual picture of goth prof

Goth Prof, I know you were only a PhD student stuck teaching me cataloging first semester, but your class really meant something to me. It was probably one of the most practical in grad school, where we learned a practical skill and all of the assignments were directly related to cultivating it. You didn’t waste my time, which was awesome. Also, you dressed like you were going to a goth Ren Faire most days, which was also awesome. One time when I was absent my partner claimed you wore red, but I don’t believe it.

Yahoo Answers for Credit

Yeah, I've totally got a reference book for that

Reference class was another one where most of the assignments actually seemed practical. Answer random reference questions assigned by the prof, answer questions for the ipl… answer Yahoo! Answers questions. Yahoo! Answers, you may or may not be the future of reference services, and I’m not sure you’re really where the majority of people are now turning for their “information needs”, but I’m not going to complain about an assignment where I get to spend time with you, answering ridiculous questions instead of reading some boring article. Answering ridiculous questions (“What’s the PINKEST book in the library??”) is pretty much why I got into this business in the first place. That, and the mystique.

“I made this PowerPoint from scratch!”

Couldn't find a picture of them, but here is their natural habitat

Oh, People Who Take Library Grad School Seriously. You are hilarious! I sincerely enjoyed all of my time in class with you. The times you asked the professor what size font the final paper should be in on the first day of class. The times you asked questions about ridiculous hypothetical situations like “What should we do if a child vomits on the floor and another child tries to eat it? Could we be sued for that?” The times you actually thought the professors knew what they were talking about. The times you created elaborate reasons for your side of the books/technology debate (“What if all world governments collapse and we find ourselves living in a post-apocalyptic society? We probably won’t have electricity. We’ll need BOOKS to tell us how to SURVIVE.”) The way you would make a 20-slide PowerPoint for even the shortest of presentations. Yes, your antics pretty much kept me endlessly entertained, but also showed me to my own path, my grad school mantra, if you will. Which brings me to:

What are you going to do, fail me?

Not Pictured: Grad School

I’m pretty sure nobody fails grad school, at least not Library science Grad School. All you have to do is reassure the faculty (however erroneously) that yes, they are useful. While other people got worked up about the fonts on their PowerPoints, I just silently repeated my Grad School motto, “What are they going to do, fail me?” and stopped worrying about it.

“Teens like clothes, right?”

Oh, Professors Who Have No Clue What They’re Talking About! We’ve come so far since I first met you! Just think, back then I still had some respect for your ability to teach a class without sounding silly! Ha ha, and then that memorable day when you were forced to acknowledge that teenagers exist and, hey, some libraries actually have the gall to try to put on programs for them. What was your suggestion? Oh right, I remember because I wrote it down for evidence: “Teenagers spend a lot of money on clothes, so maybe you could bring in some ‘cool’ teens to tell the other teens how to dress.” Yeah, that was it. And maybe you might have heard a weird noise after you said that, as an undertone to the general uproar from those of us actually listening to you? Yeah, that was me, screaming with my mouth closed.

Magic Cupcakes!

I know this was only a few weeks ago

But you've got to admit, they're pretty awesome

Preschool BFF Reunion!

On Wednesdays, we wear pink

Megan!!! My favorite grad school memory by far is discovering that we have always been besties! Megan and I have been grad school friends for awhile–ever since we discovered that we are both awesome–but it wasn’t until my mom saw a post she made on my facebook wall and said, “You know, your best friend in preschool had that same name!” that we discovered we go way back. Natch it’s hard to remember all the deets from when you were three, especially when we both moved away shortly after.

Reunited and it feels so good!

The most trying decision I will probably have to make is what costume to wear to the amazing Halloween party we are having in celebration at my house afterwards. For guests, costumes are optional (but awesome!) but Steven and I of course will take any excuse to dress up and we’re thinking of matching somehow. Here are some ideas I’ve already had:

1. Pirates
Dressing as pirates would have some precedent, since it was “how we met” (here is why that has to be in quotes), and is always fun. Plus, Steven suggested we could up the ante by dressing as STEAMPUNK pirates, which would be even more exciting.

I am a fan of tradition. Especially pirate tradition.

2. Princess Bride
My favorite costumes are literary characters being, you know, a librarian. Plus, Steven seems really into wearing one of those puffy shirts.

Of course, if I could get a ridic crown it would be my top choice

However, I’m not sure I am as into any of Buttercup’s dresses. Or just the idea of wearing a big fancy dress in general. How am I supposed to hop around playing Rock Band in that? Yeah, Rock Band requires hopping. You haven’t seen how great I am at it.

3. Paper Bag Princess
This is something I thought of recently, based one of my favorite books ever, The Paper Bag Princess by Robert Munsch.

I don't know why feminism is not all over this book

Basically, Elizabeth’s beautiful clothes and jewels and castle are all burned down by a dragon, who prince-naps Prince Ronald, who she’s going to marry. So she puts on the only thing she can find, a paper bag, and goes off to save him. She outwits the dragon with her cleverness, but then decides, when her prince is like “ELIZABETH, WHAT are you WEARING?” that he is a jerk and she doesn’t need him anyway. Now that I think about it, Elizabeth the Paper Bag Princess has maybe been my secret role model all my life. Anyway, I could TOTALLY make an awesome dress out of paper bags. A bunch of people have done it out of newspaper and paper bags are more durable! Steven could be the dragon! I outwit him all the time, and we all know Steven is all about dragons! It would be perfect. This is maybe my favorite choice so far.

My mom told me that when she told a few people about my wedding plans they said, “You must be so disappointed!” I think she responded, as I would have, “How could I be disappointed with SHEER AWESOME?” Those people are just being Prince Ronald and are no fun. I’m going to steal some paper bags from the grocery store next week and practice!

1. Math
Yes, it is one of my life regrets that I took higher level IB math instead of higher level IB French in high school. I would have aced that French exam, or at least failed less embarrassingly than in math. “Oh well,” 18-year-old Patricia thought. “It’s not like I’ll ever really need this again.” WRONG. Not only did 20-year-old-Patricia decide that Math 101 would be a great, easy way to get some D3 credit out of the way (it was), but grad school Patricia finally got a job because she was a double threat of English AND Math tutoring skillz. Also, the research methods class I’m in now is like made of statistics, or is trying to be. Maybe it’s just because no one’s awake that early in the morning, but a lot of us don’t seem up to the questionable challenge. The professor has had to remind us that y=mx+b multiple times so far and a lot of times just tells us how to get the stat pack to spit out numbers and says “… and don’t worry about how this happened.” I assume the rumors I’ve heard about this exam being hard are because all of the English BAs in this library program have forgotten what a square root is.

It looks like this, just fyi.

2. Grammar Rules
My senior year I had an English teacher who was obsessive about grammar. Every time we turned in our 4 essays on whatever book (“journals” as they were called, but that makes it sound fun and reflective when it wasn’t), she would mark all of our grammar mistakes with a highlighter and a system of abbreviations of her own devising. Then we would have to correct all of them and turn them in again, a process that seemed way more laborious while doing it than it takes to describe. My first journal corrections (don’t ask me why I saved these), I had 19 (mostly dangling modifiers). By the end I was only getting one or two (mostly word choice), so clearly I was improving. And, yes, I can see the appeal of being able to write mistake-free, but what’s the point of obeying some of these more obscure grammar rules that my supervisors won’t know about or follow? See above about the tutoring job; I’m pretty sure half the reason I got it was using the words “dangling modifier” in an appropriate way.

3. ITGS: Information Technology in a Global Society
So everyone in IB has to take a Sixth Subject. Lots of people with previous talent took things like IB Art, IB Theater, or IB Music. Those of us with no real skills to speak of took ITGS: Information Technology in a Global Society. It sounds like it’s going to be about computers or something, right? Well, sort of. We didn’t actually do any programming or anything–although there was an awesome semester senior year where we just learned a lot of Microsoft Office skillz–but mostly we read newspaper articles about how technology is rapidly changing the world we live in. There was probably more to it than that. The only thing I remember with any certainty–besides the Microsoft Office interlude–is once writing an extensive report on RFID tags in the livestock industry. And something about robotics. What a great way to learn nothing and get IB credit, right? And then I got to library science grad school. Where pretty much all we do is have debates about: “TECHNOLOGY! Is it the end of the library?” (the answer is no, but some of my professors think it might be the end of them). Also, there was this one course where we made websites, plus learned about Microsoft Office. My life has suddenly become ITGS in every class, especially since a lot of libraries are using RFID tags to keep track of books. If only I had saved that paper.

4. The Vaguer your job description, the better
This one is more a life lesson I learned by example than something someone was trying to teach me. Junior year, everyone had to take this class called TOK, or Theory of Knowledge. There’s even a song about it. The point of the class was to teach you: 1) that nothing you know is true because you can never really KNOW anything. What does it mean to “know” something anyway? 2) some philosophy, 3) how to debate without facts. At the end we all had to write a big paper about topics like “Is science or art more objective or subjective? Which is better and why?” and reference things like how the perception of color is all in your head. Basically, like the SAT Writing but five times longer. Because the class had the vaguest description possible and arguably anything could be considered philosophy or enriching us in some way, the teacher pretty much just did whatever he wanted. Here are some things I remember talking about/doing in that class: 1) reports on different figures in Greek mythology, 2) watching a nun tell us what art is sexually frustrated, 3) debating random issues like abortion and censorship, 4) watching an opera of Othello, 5) listening to the teacher tell us random stories about his life, most of which were lies, 6) listening to classical music, 7) watching a bunch of films featuring interviews with Stephen Hawking. Mr. Walsh, this teacher, clearly had life figured out. While the other IB teachers were bound by pretty strict standards, he could be like “Eh, I feel like watching Donald in Mathmagic Land today” or “Today I will pretend that I used to be an electrician at Wal Mart/a librarian at the New York Public Library/a space invader” and that’s what we would do. I remember really wishing that that were my job, and now it almost is. After all, as a librarian I could be asked ANY question (e.g. “What’s the funniest book on the Titanic?”, “what is this thing on my neck?” etc.) so really almost ANYTHING I could be doing/reading/watching is like research for some future unanswered question.

5. The main export of Portugal is cork
You’d be surprised how often it comes up

“Have you read more than 6 of these books? The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here. Bold those books you’ve read in their entirety; Italicize the ones you started but didn’t finish or read an excerpt.”

So it looks like I’ve read: 61/100. A lot of them in Scotland, since I had like no money, and only an academic library at my disposal. Plus only two days of class a week. So that’s a lot of wandering around in the woods and reading vaguely academic literature.

1. Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen The hottest thing about Mr. Darcy is his mansion.
2 The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien So many names I can’t pronounce
3 Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte gonna lock up my mixed race wife in the attic.
4 Harry Potter series – JK Rowling Can cure illnesses, true science fact
5 To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee Surviving attempted murder while wearing a ham costume!
6 The Bible And someone begat someone else… etc ed nauseum. That is the chapter where I stopped.
7 Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte Anger issues=romantic
8 Nineteen Eighty Four – George Orwell started editing my own Newspeak dictionary for like four months after reading this book
9 His Dark Materials – Philip Pullman Trying to tell my middle school friend that her daemon would totally be a woodchuck without causing offense
10 Great Expectations – Charles Dickens Crazy Left at the Alter Miss Havisham+CATCHING ON FIRE=the only part of this book I liked
11 Little Women – Louisa M Alcott Once wrote a paper arguing that this book was basically a giant in-joke/money making scheme and that Alcott really was more about her sensationalist fiction like A Long Fatal Love Chase
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles – Thomas Hardy Don’t be a ho; not even a little bit.
13 Catch 22 – Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare Sex jokes are funnier in Olde Timey English
15 Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien You can still be a hero even if you’re a whiny complainer (good news for me)
17 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch – George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind – Margaret Mitchell You should get married for: spite, money, boredom in that order. Also, have children and then sort of forget about them. Sorry, Wade.
22 The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald Having a fancy gold car is cool, but it will lead to your ruin
23 Bleak House – Charles Dickens This one time, in highschool, I decided it would be a good idea to read ALL OF DICKENS. Now they all kind of run together in my head, especially this one and Our Mutual Friend for some reason. I mostly remember Esther rambling about how awful she is.
24 War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
25 The HitchHiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams read it, seen it, bought the towel
26 Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh Alcoholism is fun, but leads to dying of liver failure in Africa
27 Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll There’s a fine line between imagination and drug trip
30 The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahame Forest creatures can also have turn of the century adventures
31 Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield – Charles Dickens Semi-autobiographical whining. SO MUCH semi-autobiographical whining.
33 Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis Everything is a symbol for Jesus
34 Emma – Jane Austen This is my fav Jane Austen novel because it’s so different from type. Normally her works go “I’m poor but worthy! I will negotiate society to find a rich husband!” but Emma is all “I’m filthy rich and oblivious to the real world! I will wreck my friends’ lives!” Awesome.
35 Persuasion – Jane Austen See above, with a side of “too bad that loser I rejected on prom night is rich and cute now!”
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – CS Lewis Turkish delight=not that great. I was misled.
37 The Kite Runner – Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Bernieres Pretty much my least favorite Louis de Bernieres book; the Latin American trilogy is hilarious and amazing and Birds Without Wings is also so good.
39 Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden If you have to be a ho, be the BEST ho
40 Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne Pooh Sticks: best game ever
41 Animal Farm – George Orwell Pigs are the most devious of all farm animals
42 The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown Everyone loves a good scandal, esp if it’s about Jesus!
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez This one time, it rained for like FORTY YEARS
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving So your best friend is a midget who SPEAKS IN ALL CAPS…
45 The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins The best book I’ve ever read for free online while working nights at the library
46 Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery Why was Anne so annoyed about having red hair? Whenever I blew out candles from ages six to ten, I would wish for red hair. Kind of bitter that Anne took hers for granted.
47 Far From The Madding Crowd – Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood I read this in one sitting in a pub in Stirling
49 Lord of the Flies – William Golding Children are bitches
50 Atonement – Ian McEwan NEVER TRUST THE NARRATOR
51 Life of Pi – Yann Martel
52 Dune – Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen See above about Jane Austen, with a side of “Damn, my sister is crazy” Although that applies to a lot of Jane Austen novels
55 A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities – Charles Dickens Learned how to knit because of this book. Yeah, Mme Defarge was my fav.
58 Brave New World – Aldous Huxley GIVING BIRTH? Crazy!
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time – Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marquez Either I’m in love, or I have a deadly disease. Symptoms are the same, so I can’t be sure
61 Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
62 Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History – Donna Tartt Classics Majors are CRAZY, Steven
64 The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas Revenge is a dish best served incredibly intricately, after a ridiculously many years
66 On The Road – Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding Even annoying people with faces that are shiny and might be made of plastic can marry Colin Firth. (I actually did read this book, but since it was after I saw the movie, I had a hard time picturing the characters as anything other than the actors who played them)
69 Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick – Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens Asking for more gruel can make you famous
72 Dracula – Bram Stoker If a woman’s acting sexual, SHE MUST BE A DEMON
73 The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett Nature can cure your sickness
74 Notes From A Small Island – Bill Bryson Cultural differences are hilarious
75 Ulysses – James Joyce James Joyce: A Crazy Person
76 The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal – Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray Sometimes, after hundreds of pages, you can get what you want and still be miserable. Also, hating most of your own characters makes for a surprisingly funny book
80 Possession – AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens And Dickens wanted to be remembered for Martin Chuzzlewit lol
82 Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell Is it a story within a story within a story within a story? Or is it REAL LIFE reflected through a series of mirrors?
83 The Color Purple – Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day – Kazuo Ishiguro Butlers are shy and therefore sad.
85 Madame Bovary – Gustave Flaubert Irresponsible women will be the downfall of us all
86 A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web – EB White Whatever, I still say Orville is a better name for a pig.
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Cocaine can make you a better detective
90 The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery Sometimes hats are actually elephants that have been eaten by snakes
93 The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
94 Watership Down – Richard Adams Still terrified of rabbits
95 A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas You can be holy and try to pick up women at the same time in France.
98 Hamlet – William Shakespeare If you don’t know how to end your play, just kill EVERYONE
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl Oompa Loompas are the best source of comical cheap labor
100 Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

Ice-skating: Moved to Florida. Bummer.
Karate: Sick of getting punched in the face.
Jazz dancing: No rhythm. Also, cannot understand jazz music.
Horseback riding: Allergic to horses. Surprise!
Playing piano: No rhythm. Also, teacher maybe died?
Writing fanfiction: Shame.
Playing guitar: No rhythm. Also, teacher mostly just told stories about armadillos and bands I’d never heard of.
Babysitting: Vow to never let some kid ride on my back and pretend I’m a horse again.
Singing in any kind of public setting: someone at a library Halloween Caroling event told me I should “never sing again ever”. Middle School Girls have fragile feelings.
Going to math competitions: Realized enthusiasm is not the same as actual math skills.
Writing novels: ???
A history class about somewhere in Europe in the 1200s: Could not understand professor at all.
Biking in Beer Bike: Traumatized the year before by having to chug at Beer Run
That English class about art: Prof=sweatiest person I’ve ever seen; plus, know nothing about art.
Road Trip: Really needed to do laundry; tired of eating fast food.
Math Tutoring: Pretty much just sick of driving to Cary
NaNoWriMo 2010: Decide to spend time instead on 10-12 page research papers suddenly do in every class. This was not part of the deal.
Volunteering at the library in November 2010: See above. At least with this one I can guarantee that the quitting is only temporary.

1. Working and Cleaning Popcorn Machines

Now made with real fake butter!

These old-fashioned style popcorn machines are loud, messy, and verging on a health hazard, so naturally all libraries seem to have them. The popcorn is made with a suspiciously neon powder, the smell of which is supposed to “draw the most crowds” according to the packet. For some reason, most of the librarians at my new internship have little to no experience with the popcorn machine, so I stepped up to put my Vast Seminole Library Popcorn Expertise to good use. Frankly, I think most of them are pretending to not know how it works to get out of cleaning it. They will never know the joy of working a further seven hours with your hands covered in greasy metal burns and having everyone you talk to ask what smell is making them so hungry. It’s my new perfume, you guys!

2. Art Skillz
This skill is not just relegated to the land of children’s librarianship. Even reference librarians have to make signs and displays on occasion. However, coloring, cutting, and constructing puppets out of recyclables are all things they do not teach in even the children-focused grad school classes. It’s a pity because these skills are WAY, WAY more useful than taking a week to determine what kind of leader you are by taking personality quizzes and it will inevitably end in puppets that look something like this:

As found on Etsy and Regretsy.

3. How to Deal with Crazy People
For some reason, grad school assumes that (if they mention the actual patrons you’ll supposedly be serving, which is rarely) everyone who comes into the library will be friendly and affable, with a healthy thirst for knowledge and no fixed schedule. I think once my reference professor mentioned that sometimes people get grumpy if they’re in a hurry. No one has yet mentioned how sometimes you have to deal with the same drunk lady that comes in some Thursday nights, sobbing, and asking for Nancy Drew over and over, even after you’ve shown her the section twice.

Maybe she just couldn't get over the Clue in the Clock

No one talks about how to handle the woman who demands a book on divorce for a four-year-old, “preferably titled Because Daddy’s a Good-For-Nothing Ass“. Or the guy who hides in the stacks to shout Star Wars quotes at random intervals. Or the boy who systematically takes all the books about hurricanes, one by one, and hides them in various places around the room such as under the cushions of chairs or in the bathroom sink.

If I ever become Dean of a library school, I will institute at least one course in all of these things. Wall-moving, furniture arrangement, and soda pouring can be an extra credit project in the popcorn class.

Made up Positions I’ve Given Myself
Wiess Resident Expert in Speculative Zoology
Wiess Breakfast Rep
Wiess Mr. Potato Head Rep
Co-comics Rep
Resident Witch Doctor
Wiess Librarian
Interior Decorator to the Presidential Suite (after we wallpapered Hiren’s room with water colors, mostly of him being eaten by monsters)
Hairologist
Apprentice Mad Scientist
Wiess Zombie Attack Consultant
Awkward Breakfast Conversation Rep (I still am this)
Wiess Astrologer
Chief Phallic Symbol Recognizer
Wiess Soothsayer
Official BFF to James K. Polk
Noted April Fool’s Day Victim
Noted “the crazy” of the sophomore class by Doward
Wiess Pieologist
Inventor of the Snake Warmer
Wiess Egg Salad Rep
Official BFF to Stephen Hawking

I did so much for Wiess. No wonder I got that award.

Things I’ve Done Instead of Going to Class (first semester)
Homework for that class
Homework for another class
Sleep
Crossword puzzles
Watch movies
Talk to Michael Curtis
Eat lunch
Stare at people from 2nd Floor Fondren
Read
Buy interesting hats
Watch the rain
Have a dance party
Listen to Rocky Horror Picture Show and sing loudly
Leave anonymous love notes for Steven Wiggins
Look up lame pick up lines online
Have consumption
Flirt outrageously

I assume this was first semester sophomore year, since first semester freshman Patricia was MAD conscientious. Also, Steven Wiggins was IN my class, so it would’ve been hard to leave secret love notes. These notes, by the way, would always say things like “If I said you had a corpus bellus would you hold it against me?” He would usually just correct my Latin.

Prof. Derrick Quotes List
“I think it’s nice that a woman with a hump can be erotically successful in our appearance driven society”–about the song “My Humps” by Fergie
“There are magic stones that keep you from perspiring for six years”
“There are little communities of creatures living a happy life inside us–Are they our friends?”
“If gender didn’t exist we would all be orcs”
“Let’s just talk about men. Anyone got any secret beer here?”
“Whenever there’s a discussion of voles, I’m there.”
“Men are a lot like voles; blind, burrowing rodents.”
“If you really want to be completely and perfectly free, you’ve got to kill everybody”
“Maybe we can have voles transplanted into us”
“I’m going to devote myself to using the word Cheetalicious some time today”
“Humanities are a cover. We make the University seem like it’s interested in pure knowledge because we’re useless”
“Build model guillotines and use them on your friends”
“It’s unfortunate that Hamlet sounds so much like omelet. Discuss”
“Mary Tyler Moore plays herself. That is, she’s a bitch.”
“Can you love a cow enough? Not within the limits of the law”
“My goal in life is to lose so many [pairs of glasses] that there’ll be a pair wherever I go”
“My children have actually been lost in shopping malls because we’re criminally negligent”
“Job goes to God and says, ‘What the fuck is going on?’”
“I also kind of had day dreams that I was a deer”
“I can’t talk about Lacon and the phallus because you would just make fun of me if I did”
(holds up pen) “All women writers are hermaphrodite monsters because what does this look like?”
“If you have a hog and choose to wash it, try to do so in an ecologically sound manner.”

Types of Music According to Josh
Emo music
Circus music

Reasons why I owe Josh Smoothies
Throwing a pen at his eye
Mocking dinosaur ancestors
Throwing a peanut at his eye
Taping photoshopped velociprator breasts to his window

Reasons why Josh owes me a smoothie
“How does it feel, Patricia?”
Claiming I’m not really a librarian

There are more, but they are all but impossible to read. I will maybe bury this notebook in my yard to confound future civilizations.

Food Lion was more crowded than I’ve ever seen it today
though still not in Florida Hurricane Preparedness Proportions.
It’s next to a sad Burger King, the wrong side of a disregarded exit
Off 54
Everyone was buying:
Their weight in cans
Bottled Water
Candles
Bread and Milk.
Children bundled tightly in snow suits, staring at the sky
Waiting

There was only one man ahead of me
In 10 Items Or Less
He was buying:
A container of chicken wings
A case of beer
Eight frozen pizzas.
He looked like a man who knew he was prepared
In a way the Weather Channel would never think to advocate.
I was buying:
AA batteries
Powdered sugar
Chocolate chips (the two things I’d forgotten for baking)
A giant candle in a glass holder with Arch Angel Michael killing some demon.
I know it was somehow Catholic, but they were the only candles left
It was either Michael or a dead Jesus
And I thought defeating demons was marginally more cheerful
Than to have the eyes of a sad Christ look on
As I try in vain to complete the World’s Largest Crossword after the power goes out
By the light of a candle meant for religion
But somehow next to beer and chicken wings and chocolate chips on the conveyor belt
Just the same.