Every time we have a guest speaker in one of our classes, I become more and more convinced that my Master’s degree will make me less qualified for gainful employment. It doesn’t matter what they’re supposed to be talking about; it always devolves into “You poor suckers, you’ll never get a job, and certainly not around here where there are more librarians than environmentally-conscious hipsters (and there are A LOT of environmentally-conscious hipsters). And ESPECIALLY not if you want to work in youth services or at a public library. You are screwed with a capital S.” The situation is pretty dire. Especially now that I find out I have to compete with degree-holding pets too. Can you imagine going for an interview against Oreo Collins the tuxedo cat? You’d be all “I wrote my Master’s paper on–” and he’d interrupt with “I AM ADORABLE! PET ME! PET ME AND THEN HIRE ME!” and start to play with your shoelaces.

Anyway, since I am nothing if not organized, I’ve decided to plan ahead and think of other possible awesome job ideas. To help me, I’ve assigned all my fifth graders to write five paragraph essays about “What would the best job ever be and why?” But so far all I’ve gotten were doctor and astrophysicist. I know, lame. When I was in fifth grade I would have totally written about either water slide tester or Disney princess.

Although I’m not entirely without hope:

Boy: Can it be ANY job?
Me: Anything. Even water slide tester.
Boy: I don’t know if that’s a real job.
Me: I think it is. But even if it wasn’t, made up jobs are okay too.
Boy: Alright, I’m going to choose shark.
Me: What?
Boy: Shark.
Me: Ummm… can you think of three reasons to write paragraphs about?
Boy: OF COURSE! You get to eat people, you get to swim around, AND you get to BE A SHARK.
Me: I know this class doesn’t have grades, but you just earned an A+.

So yeah, so far it’s looking like shark is the best bet.