Things That Spell Our Doom: Roanoke Edition!

pladd — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 05:00:58 +0000

I’m not sure if I was the only one obsessed with the Lost Colony of Roanoke as a kid. I found the entire thing extremely eerie, especially since I would stop listening or reading when they got to the theories about Native American attack or Spanish attack or relocation to some other part of the East coast. As a child, I firmly believed that an entire colony of people had just mysteriously vanished without a trace, possibly into some other dimension, like they had slipped too close to the edge space between Life and Death and fallen through. Or something. Whatever, I was a weird kid. Later I decided Lawrence Stager’s theory about cannibals was maybe the most ridic and therefore the most credible.

Anyway, my childhood ambition is ABOUT TO BE FULFILLED! No, not the one where I become a mailman. I am going to solve the mystery of the Lost Colony of Roanoke! As we speak, I am on the Outer Banks, tirelessly searching for clues. I realize that generations of fellow archeologists and crack pots have come before me, but I have one thing they don’t have: a belief in time travel. Armed with that, it should be way easy. Even easier than the time I solved the murder of Merriweather Lewis (the butler did it). So far, here is my list of time traveling suspects on this case:

1. William Marsh Rice

Artist's Conception (on the moon)

I suspect William Marsh Rice, founder of Rice University, whenever there are time traveling shenanigans. After all, it has been definitively proven that he is the World’s Most Powerful Cyborg (this completely researched historical fact brought to you by the True History of William Marsh Rice Campaign and the Woodson Research Center). What would Rice want with the Lost Colony of Roanoke when he usually spent his time traveling finding new and interesting places to drink with Ben Franklin? I’ll keep you posted on further developments but it was probably to cook him Thanksgiving dinner twice a day (Rice loves Thanksgiving, but can’t stand pilgrims).

2. Japanese Spider Crabs

The single most terrifying creature of the sea

Everyone laughs at me when I say I’m afraid of these things, but WHEN WE WILL LEARN? Roanoke probably laughed at them too. “lol Japanese Spider Crabs,” they probably said, “You can grow to be six feet long but you can only survive in the high pressure depths of the sea. Forsooth, we have nothing to fear from the likes of you! rofl” But Japanese Spider Crabs don’t get angry, they get pinchy. It’s a well-known fact that they use every part of the corpse…
I can only hope that I am wrong and they are not the true culprits because it would mean I am putting myself in GRAVE DANGER for your amusement. I will keep a close watch and try to fight them off with lemon butter sauce if necessary.

3. Brian Reinhart

What is he looking so smug about? Feta? OR THE FACT THAT HE LOST THE LOST COLONY??

Watch your back, Brian. I’m on to you.

4. Zombies

This is actually my top suspect right now

I know you think I always blame zombies because I’m a spaz, but it does have historical precedent amongst my fellow crackpots. Lawrence Stager DOES think it was cannibals and Max Brooks, noted zombie expert, listed it in the history of zombie attacks section in The Zombie Survival Guide. Hey, if I can list a page reference for it (197), it must be true. Thanks, English major.

I will keep you posted.

Misguided Travel Guides: Turkey Creek

pladd — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 14:34:34 +0000

Unfortunately, our stay in Tennessee is not as well documented as other parts of our trip because of Steven’s constant fear for his camera. With good reason since I don’t think it’s water-proof, falling-on-rocks-proof, or bug-proof. It’s okay with me since I’ve been here more times than I can count, my memories almost always tinged with a Benadryl-induced haze since I am allergic to everything in nature. And that’s pretty much all that’s here. No cellphone reception unless you climb atop the nearest ridge, fifteen or twenty miles to the nearest store, such as it is, and at least two or three miles to the nearest neighbor’s house. Also, since it’s summer, walking across the yard will get you at least two or three ticks. Yeah, fun. My dad owns about 200 acres of overgrown, hilly land here and his entire family lives on various other tracts of land nearby.

Main Turkey Creek Things to Do In The Summer

(As remembered from my Childhood)

1. Hike through woods
2. Cut grapevines to make swings
3. Play in the creek
4. Catch lightning bugs and put them in a jar
5. Look at stars
6. Eat way too much fried food

And that’s pretty much what we’ve done, minus the grapevine swings. Surprisingly, there are also some sites of historical note relatively nearby (for which Steven did bring his camera):

OH MY GOD JAMES K POLK'S HOUSE!

In Columbia, the nearest “town” (about 20 minutes away), the home of our eleventh and, according to the tour guide, Greatest President Ever. I believe it. Also, the Hannah Montana movie was filmed there (as we’ve discussed).

OH MY GOD! The spot on the Natchez Trace where Merriweather Lewis was murdered!!!

Here I am looking for clues. We can solve this mystery!

Unfortunately, since we’re in the middle of nowhere, this is the only way to take a shower:

OH MY GOD HYGIENE

Also, the only possible way to get around to all these places was in our friend Jimmy Jones’ pickup truck with broken AC (and only country radio stations). Here is the evidence that I may, in fact, have some redneck in me after all:

OH MY GOD SOUTHERN

Unfortunately, we leave today. I will be sad to leave behind the quiet beauty of the countryside and the sniffling, itchy sneezing fits it periodically sends me into.

PS–That was Merriweather Lewis of Lewis and Clark fame. Just so you know.

The Plaid Pladd Blog » lewis and clark

Things That Spell Our Doom: Roanoke Edition!

Misguided Travel Guides: Turkey Creek

Main Turkey Creek Things to Do In The Summer

(As remembered from my Childhood)