1. The Water Tower

So this water tower was originally a really drab blue, but they decided to jazz it up when I was in middle school and hired an artist to paint gigantic native Florida birds on it with some clouds in the background. This made total sense, until someone decided that the water tower’s natural shape would lend itself really well to painting a big orange cage over them all. Obviously this image creates a few troubling philosophical questions: if those are clouds WITHIN the cage, did some even larger person put a cage over THE SKY? How could these birds, even at normal size, even fit in a bird cage? Is this a metaphor for human interference being akin to a harmful cage put over THE ENTIRE NATURAL WORLD? Or, we could go with my immediate reaction the first time I saw it: “OMGOD THAT OCTOPUS IS ATTACKING THOSE BIRDS!”
Apparently the city agrees with my complaints because they wanted to paint over it awhile ago, but people complained, saying it was “good for giving directions”.

2. The Panama Canal Museum

Not too many people know that Seminole, Florida is home to the The Panama Canal Museum. Including me, until a few summers ago when a lady who worked there came into the library asking for books about teddy bears for their Theodore Roosevelt celebration. Naturally I had to investigate. Their website is actually pretty classy for something that’s in the parking lot of Kmart in Seminole’s glorious mall, so I naturally used my one day off that week to go visit. It’s pretty much a single room next to the bank, and the exhibits are mostly pictures on the walls. Oh, and this headless mannequin:

Yep. That's the picture of a head they've stuffed into its gaping neck hole.

Clearly, a classy joint. They even have a gift shop where you can buy jewelry, The Panama Canal Museum Cookbook, and postcards to send saying that you’re not at The Panama Canal, but it’s the next best thing. Clearly a must see for any visit to Seminole, or at least Seminole Mall.

3. Seminole Community Library

Okay, maybe this is only one of the best things because I’ve spent so much of my life there (especially the last few years), but you’ve got to admit, this is one pretty sweet puppet theater:

Taken from the City's website; you'd think they would've gotten an official photographer who understood about flashes

And now that I don’t work there, it’s even sweeter, because I don’t have to worry about kids climbing on it, jumping on the chairs, throwing puppets at each other, swinging on the curtains, or, one memorable night, using it as a bathroom. I would definitely suggest putting on a puppet show if you happen to visit (don’t worry, it’s been cleaned). Also, thanks to the eccentric book-buying habits of my former supervisor, we now have the County’s premiere collection of cat-related picture books. So, you know, that’s something.

4. Publix

But not just any Publix. The Publix where Rob ate peas out of a can in the parking lot all because he saw them on a billboard:

The mystery to this picture is how we got the can open in the parking lot

Pinellas County: Florida's gimpy right arm, or maybe just some weird growth

But don’t be fooled by the palm trees and Village Inn’s. Death can still stalk me here.

The Ocean

So on the Gulf Coast we don’t really get any jellyfish, but we do have tons of sting rays. They lie flat on the shallow sandy bottom until you step on them, when they whip their stingers around, and soon you’re in searing pain while your friend is peeing on your ankle to sterilize the wound. So, not a great conclusion to a beach day, let me tell you. The best way to deal with them is to shuffle your feet in the sand as you enter the water, which will scare them away but also make you look like a tool. In consequence, we had to watch at least one outdated, School House Rock-esque video in fourth grade science explaining this in cartoon form. And ever since then I have been terrified to swim in the ocean, for fear that, when putting my foot down, I will step on one and end up covered in urine. Now that I am slightly older and know more about the ocean, this fear has only broadened into a generalized terror of putting my feet places I can’t see. Do you know what kind of crazy shit lives in the ocean?



I’m not taking my chances. That place is a sparkling, tourist-ridden death trap.