Posts Tagged ‘disney’

Disney Princes: Callously Ranked

I’ve already callously ranked Disney princesses and Disney villains, so it’s only right that I next callously rank Disney Princes, using the incredibly arbitrary Would I Date Them scale. As before, I’m using The Official List.

10. Prince Adam/The Beast

Points for fashion, though

Points for fashion, though

The Beast is the worst. Which sucks for Belle, who’s relatively high on my list of Disney princesses. His list of crimes includes kidnapping, verbal and physical abuse, and probably treating his servants like inanimate objects long before they were actually inanimate objects. I just can’t get behind the narrative of “stay with your abusive rage beast of a boyfriend. You can change him!”

9. John Smith

Where the hummingbird BFF is one of the more historically accurate parts of the movie

Where the hummingbird BFF is one of the more historically accurate parts of the movie

I’m trying to just judge based on the wildly inaccurate Disney movie and not what I know about history, but it’s hard not to read Pocahontas through a historical lens, when we know that John Smith’s arrival is just the first in a series of increasingly violent incursions that will bring certain death to Pocahontas’ people. So not really swoonworthy, no.

8. Prince Florian/Ferdinand

Minus points for fashion

Minus points for fashion

Prince Florian does fuck-all. He’s such a non-character that official sources can’t even agree on his actual name. The only thing he does in Snow White is kiss a dead girl.

7. Prince Philip

I find the horse more dateable, honestly

I find the horse more dateable, honestly

Prince Philip has similar issues to Prince Florian in that you can’t just go around macking on incapacitated girls it is not romantic. Unlike Prince Florian, this isn’t the only facet to his character. He fights a creepy-ass dragon, which is pretty cool.

6. Prince Charming

So your NAME is Charming?

So your NAME is Charming?

Prince Charming is the neutral point of Disney’s princes. He’s not really anything. Sure, he decides a girl is his OTL after meeting her once, but that’s about par in a Disney universe, and at least he doesn’t take advantage of unconscious girls. Low bar, here, obviously.

5. Aladdin

I can't decide if his hammer pants are plus or minus points

I can’t decide if his hammer pants are plus or minus points

I like Aladdin okay. He’s funny and crafty, and, despite a hard life on the streets, still has a unfailing moral compass. It’s weird that he dresses his pet monkey in a smaller version of his own outfit (definite psychosis there, right?), and he does a little too much lying to Princess Jasmine to earn a higher ranking.

4. Prince Eric

Eric is the hot surfer dude of Disney princes

Eric is the hot surfer dude of Disney princes

Okay, so some of this might be nostalgia, since The Little Mermaid was my favorite Disney movie for a long time, but Eric is pretty great. Here is why he is dateable: 1) Plays a musical instrument, 2) Helps the homeless by inviting them to stay indefinitely in his castle, 3) Will drive a ship into your enemies. The only reason he’s not higher is because he’d probably cheat on you and then blame hypnosis.

3. Eugene Fritzherbert/Flynn Rider

Laaaaaaadies

Laaaaaaadies

I did not like this movie, and I didn’t really care for Rapunzel, but Flynn Rider is unarguably one of the hottest Disney princes. Plus, he’s funny and clever and comes with a useful horse sidekick. I wouldn’t trust him, but I would date him, at least for a summer.

2. Prince Naveen

Any dude who can play a ukulele, right?

Any dude who can play a ukulele, right?

Prince Naveen KNOWS how to have fun. He would be a great date! Maybe the most fun date on this list! He learns a lot during The Princess and the Frog to not be a total selfish jerk, but I still think he’s too much of a man-baby for long-term BF material.

1. Li Shang

Let's get down to business

Let’s get down to business

Li Shang can get it. He’s dedicated, loyal, and isn’t threatened by strong women. A relationship with him would actually be a partnership, which means I would totally date him if I were able to keep up.

Disney Villains Ranked by Scariness

I already ranked the Disney princesses, so I figured it was time to rank Disney villains, whom I tend to like more anyway!

Methodology: I started by ranking “Best Villain” but there’s so many facets to that, so I ultimately went with “Who scares me more?” This criteria was also difficult because a lot of these villains scared the shit out of me as a child, but, from my current viewpoint, less showy ones now seem far more sinister. So I ended up with a weird mix as I tried to take both scales of scariness into account.

Sample Size: I used as my sample size the villains listed as “Official list of Disney villains in franchise marketing“. But some of those were discounted through lameness and me not being able to remember them.

Disney Villains Ranked by Scariness

17. Mother Gothel (Tangled)

If this were a contest of Worst Disney Mother... she actually still wouldn't win

If this were a contest of Worst Disney Mother… she actually still wouldn’t win

Mother Gothel is not scary. She doesn’t really have powers. Her only goal is to stay alive. Yeah, she baby-naps Rapunzel, but then she… raises her as her own? She’s not a great mom, but that’s hardly terrifying, or unheard of in the Disney canon.

16. Captain Hook (Peter Pan

+5 points for style, though

+5 points for style, though

Captain Hook is a lot more bloodthirsty than Mother Gothel, so at least he’s got that going for him, scariness-wise. But he’s more silly and sad than anything else. Dude has serious PTSD from his brush with crocodile-death, and he can’t even manage to kill a bunch of children, so…

15. Dr. Facilier (Princess and the Frog)

I feel like this dude would be a lot higher if I'd seen this movie as an actual child

I feel like this dude would be a lot higher if I’d seen this movie as an actual child

Dr. Facilier or the Shadow Man is definitely creepy, and he has hoodoo spirit friends! He tricks you into making deals with him, and then uses his jazz age dance magic voodoo to trap you in ironic ways. I definitely would not want to cross him! But he doesn’t really have any power of his own; it all comes from his “friends on the other side”, who are quick to turn on him at the end.

14. Hades (Hercules)

But he might be at the top of People I Would Invite to my Birthday Party

But he might be at the top of People I Would Invite to my Birthday Party

We all know Hades is amazing, but he’s so funny that I rarely found him scary, even as a kid. However, he definitely has power (he’s a god!) and his plans to unleash the titans and rule the entire world would definitely cause a heavy body count.

13. Lady Tremaine (Cinderella)

Also she literally named her cat after Satan

Also she literally named her cat after Satan

It seems dumb to put Cinderella’s step mom above Hades and Dr. Facilier on the list of scariness, but I can’t help it. I saw this movie when I was a lot younger, and I still remember being intensely creeped out by her. Something about her giant weird hair and her voice. And maybe even at that age psychological cruelty seemed scarier than someone hitting you.

12. Professor Ratigan (The Great Mouse Detective)

Pictured here in his scariest moment

Pictured here in his scariest moment

As a child, this dude was terrifying. Also, he was voiced by Vincent Price! But even Child-Me knew that he was just a rat, and I could probably step on him if he tried to be creepy near me.

11. Jafar (Aladdin)

Damn, those shoulder pads are on point

Damn, those shoulder pads are on point

The scariest thing about this movie is by far the Cave of Wonders, so Jafar already comes in second place in his own film. I think Iago the Comic Relief Parrot may also have detracted from his creepiness. Although he came a lot closer to his goals than a lot of Disney villains, so props for that, Jafar.

10. Scar (The Lion King)

I stupidly google-imaged just the word "scar" and that page might have been scarier than him

I stupidly google-imaged just the word “scar” and that page might have been scarier than him

Like Jafar, Scar’s scariness factor is inhibited by his comic relief hyenas always hanging around. The final fight scene between him and Simba was pretty scary as a child, but I think even then movies with anthropomorphic animals didn’t scare me as much because they didn’t seem as real. Like, I’m never going to meet a lion. Scar and his political machinations are happening far away from me.

9. Cruella de Vil (101 Dalmations)

cruelladevil

I saw this movie young, which helps up the scariness, but Cruella de Vil is still pretty terrifying as an adult. A lot of these other villains want power for themselves and their family, which I can kind of understand, but Cruella wants to murder puppies. You guys. Is there a more evil motive?

8. Claude Frollo (Hunchback of Notre Dame)

Pictured here rolling his eyes with maximum sass

Pictured here rolling his eyes with maximum sass

Frollo is creepy, especially as an adult. His staunch religious convictions and focus on guilt and sin are the kind of attitudes that started atrocities like the Inquisition, after all. He ranks so high because he feels so real. History is littered with dudes like Frollo who are so inflamed with the supposed righteousness of their cause that they mow down innocent people without any remorse. Who believe that it’s the right thing to do. Scar and Jafar know they are the bad guys. Frollo thinks he’s the hero, and I think that’s what makes him more real and also more terrifying.

7. Prince Hans (Frozen)

But how could a guy with a horse BFF be bad??

But how could a guy with a horse BFF be bad??

I still can’t believe Disney had the balls to pull this amazing plot twist that also mocks the ridiculousness of some of their past canon (“You’re going to marry a guy you JUST MET?”). Prince Hans is hot and charming, and knows how to work those things to make people trust him. He tries to manipulate his way to power, and he’s way better at it than Jafar because he’s an attractive white guy instead of a racist caricature. You know Jafar is evil immediately because you’ve been socially conditioned to think brown dude+black clothes+facial hair+turban=EVIL SO EVIL. But Prince Hans never gets stopped by airport security, and he knows it. Like Frollo, this dude is too real, and that makes him dangerous.

6. Ursula(The Little Mermaid)

Eat your heart out

Eat your heart out

Ursula will wreck you. She’s a powerful witch, she has minions at least as creepy as she is, and she definitely doesn’t play fair when you come to make a bargain with her. Her lair is guarded by the rotting remains of her past victims, and the final fight where she becomes gigantic gave me nightmares as a child.

5. Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty)

Can't touch this

Can’t touch this

I’m only judging based on the original animated movie, not the new Angelina Jolie version. Maleficent is hella powerful and hella touchy. Don’t invite her to your party? CURSE YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE. Try to break that curse? DRAGON! DRAGON IN YOUR FACE! Plus, even her non-shape-changed look is scary. Maleficent doesn’t mess around.

4. Queen Grimhilde (Snow White)

Lesson: do not trust the elderly

Lesson: do not trust the elderly

Okay, I feel like almost all of this is coming from the scene near the end of the movie where the dwarves are chasing her up the rocky hill in the lightning storm, she tries to maneuver a giant boulder down on top of them, and then lightning strikes and she falls screaming to her death only for creepy vultures to start circling almost immediately. That is some creepy stuff for a kid. Plus, the Snow White ride at Disney World didn’t help.

3. Gaston (Beauty and the Beast)

+5 points for being especially good at expactorating

+5 points for being especially good at expactorating

You already know a guy like Gaston. He’s kind of stupid, supremely arrogant, and too powerful. He’s had privileges all his life, people telling him how great he is, until now when he can’t see when he’s wrong. If some girl doesn’t want him, his reaction is to imprison her father and kill her boyfriend. Gaston would be a rapist if Disney movies weren’t rated PG.

2. Shan Yu (Mulan)

And that hawk is no cutesy Iago, let me tell you

And that hawk is no cutesy Iago, let me tell you

Shan Yu and his army are a terrifying force of nature. Even the animation style shows them in stark contrast to the good guys in the movie. They have no comic relief, no bumbling, no humanizing elements at all. Their motivation is simply to destroy, and it takes more than an avalanche to defeat them. They excel at both stealth and wholesale slaughter. Shan Yu is a stone cold villain, and it’s the first Disney movie I can remember that dealt with such a large body count so visibly.

1. Chernabog (Fantasia)

fantasia

You knew this was going to be at the top. This dude is a giant death demon the size of a mountain with an army of skeletal ghosts. Case closed, he is the scariest.

Previously: Disney Princesses

Disney Princesses: Callously Judged

I decided to rank the Disney princesses, because that’s the kind of thing I do. I was surprised by the results. When asked who my favorite Disney princess is, I’m most likely to say “Merida” or “Mulan”, I guess because growing up reading Tamora Pierce makes me love anything with lady warriors. Ultimately, when deciding on the order of this list, though, I went by who I would most like to hang out with. And I love hanging out with awesome badasses, but I guess there are some other things I value more. I also used the official list of Disney princesses so characters like Megara don’t appear (sadly).

11. Snow White

Ugh, I even hate her face

Ugh, I even hate her face

Snow White is the worst Disney princess. Don’t even try to fight me on this, because it’s definitely true. Her costume is weird, her voice is annoying, and she spends a good chunk of her story either crying or asleep. Plus, she is fourteen, which makes her entire story really creepy.

10. Aurora

Subject of the original "What color is this dress?" debate

Subject of the original “What color is this dress?” debate

Aurora is also pretty boring and annoying. She hardly has any lines in her own movie, and, again, spends a lot of time asleep. Plus, girl gets way too friendly with random dudes she meets in the woods. Still, she’s slightly better than Snow White because she’s mostly just a cardboard cutout of a character instead of actively annoying.

9. Cinderella

But minus points for that hair because what

But minus points for that hair because what

Finally a princess with a little personality! Unlike Snow White and Aurora, I feel like I know more about Cinderella as a person, even if it’s a person I’m not that jazzed about hanging out with. She’s not afraid of hard work, and her initial life experiences will probably make her a compassionate ruler who doesn’t take her wealth for granted. I wish she had a little more spirit instead of just doing whatever her Evil Stepmother or her Fairy Godmother says, though.

8. Rapunzel

And Obligatory Disney Animal Sidekick, of course

And Obligatory Disney Animal Sidekick, of course

I like Rapunzel’s optimism and her curiosity. She would be fun to hang out with for an afternoon, but I think her relentless cheeriness would eventually wear me down. Like, sometimes I just want to make fun of how bad something is (like Snow White). And you can try to make me feel guilty about that, but I won’t. Plus, why do you have a pet lizard.

7. Ariel

I am REALLY surprised to see Ariel so far down on this list

I am REALLY surprised to see Ariel so far down on this list

When I was little, Ariel was definitely my bff. She was curious and rebellious and headstrong. But, while I still like her, adult-me thinks she is kind of dumb. Like, OKAY, you think forks are combs even though the mermaid-world must be eating their food with something. But why doesn’t she step up her attempts at communication? Girl signed a contract so she’s clearly literate. Write Prince Eric a note! Draw him a picture! Don’t just wave your hands awkwardly and then give up. I need a little more ingenuity in my Disney Princess Fave.

6. Jasmine

Plus, those pants look hella comfortable

Plus, those pants look hella comfortable

Jasmine is the only character in her movie with any sense at all. NO, DAD, I am not just going to marry some random losers because you think 15 is too old to be an old maid, EW. And hey, this Jafar guy is CLEARLY EVIL, let’s stop listening to him. I like that she calls Aladdin on his shit for lying to her. Plus, a pet tiger is metal as hell. Jasmine is solid. The only reason she’s not higher is because she’s clearly led a really sheltered life so far, so other princesses beat her out on the fun-to-hang-with scale (a very scientific measurement).

5. Pocahontas

Not taking into account historical accuracy because wow

Not taking into account historical accuracy because wow

Pocahontas knows what’s up. She has clear goals (which aren’t just “get a dude”) and she shows equal measures of compassion and backbone. She argues with John Smith when he’s patronizing, but also doesn’t think that straight up killing the invaders is necessarily the answer. Plus, she can climb trees, dive off cliffs, and paint with all the colors of the wind, so you know we would have a good time hiking and meeting bear cubs and whatnot. The only downside is that she has some freaky supernatural powers. Not only is her grandmother a tree, but she learns English instantaneously by “listening to her heart”. What else is her heart telling her? All my secrets? That I haven’t washed my hair in three days? You can see why hanging with her would be a risk.

4. Belle

Belle's fashion game is on point

Belle’s fashion game is on point

Belle loves to read! Clearly we would have a lot to talk about! She wants more adventures and doesn’t put up with gross jerks. We would clearly be good friends, although maybe not BEST friends, because her idea of adventure is “taming” a dude and getting married. You can’t change him, girlfriend, and my adventures generally involve at least a scavenger hunt so… pass.

3. Merida

Give me that hair.

Give me that hair.

I love Merida’s attitude and her adventurous spirit. She’s in a similar situation to Jasmine, but her solution is not just to whine about it, but to DO SOMETHING to assert her autonomy. I also like how she grows as a person so much during her story and begins to appreciate both of her parents and what they’re trying to do for her. Plus, her style is what I want forever.

hatersgonnahate

2. Mulan

Your awkwardness speaks to me

Your awkwardness speaks to me

Mulan is so amazing!!!!!!!! I have no complaints about her at all. If anything, I’m worried that I’m not awesome enough to hang with her. She doesn’t fit in to the strict gender roles of her society and feels awkward dressed up fancy wearing make up (I HEAR YOU, GIRL). She takes drastic measures to save her father and works hard to become a warrior!!! Then she SAVES CHINA!!! Also, she gets a hot dude in the end, but I like how that’s never her top priority. Girl’s gotta live her life–AWESOMELY–and you can come along if you want to, Li Shang, if you can keep up.

1. Tiana

Reason number one: girl can cook

Reason number one: girl can cook

Tiana is the best. Tiana is who I most want to hang out with. Tiana wins everything. She decided her dream was to open a restaurant so she worked as hard as humanly possible to save up the money, working against racism and sexism to finally achieve her dreams. She doesn’t take any of Prince Naveen’s shit, but she still helps him even when he’s acting like a spoiled baby. Plus, at the end, even though she finds her OTL, she still achieves her dream of opening a restaurant!! Tiana is an awesome role model, and would make a great friend. And that is why she is my top pick for best Disney Princess. She has a lot in common with Mulan, but she achieves her success by working within the system instead of radically undermining it. Both are legit, but I feel like one is less scary for people like me to accomplish. Plus, Tiana has beignets.

Theatrically Released Animated Disney Movies

For some reason, I found myself looking at Wikipedia’s list of all theatrically-released animated Disney movies the other day, and decided I needed to rank the ones I’d seen. There are 58 of them (and 47 more I haven’t seen), and I ranked them kind of haphazardly, by going through and asking for each “Okay, is this better than that?” until I’d made a list. Some of them are tricky, because the plot’s pretty crappy but the animation is beautiful or I really like the songs. Others I’m pretty sure have earned their spots only through nostalgia. Here’s the Top 10:

1. Frozen (2013; Walt Disney)
2. Mulan (1998; Walt Disney)
3. Spirited Away (2002; Studio Ghibli)
4. Beauty and the Beast (1991; Walt Disney)
5. Emperor’s New Groove (2000; Walt Disney)
6. Aladdin (1992; Walt Disney)
7. Finding Nemo (2003; Pixar)
8. The Little Mermaid (1989; Walt Disney)
9. Hercules (1997; Walt Disney)
10. Howl’s Moving Castle (2005; Studio Ghibli)

It was interesting to me that a lot of them are from right around the same time period. Is that because Disney was the most skilled then? Or because I was the right age? Obviously there are outliers, like Frozen at #1 and the original Fantasia from 1940 ranking pretty high at #23 (see full list at the end). I made a graph scatter plotting release dates with my rankings and you can see most of the top ones are clustered in the post-1985 range, although that’s also when Disney increased their output, and acquired other studios like Pixar and Ghibli.

Interestingly, the worst ranked movie is from 1985

Interestingly, the worst ranked movie is from 1985

Here’s the bottom 10:

49. Sleeping Beauty (1959; Walt Disney)
50. Ponyo (2009; Studio Ghibli)
51. Dumbo (1941; Walt Disney)
52. A Goofy Movie (1995; DisneyToon)
53. Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars (1998; Hyperion)
54. Pinocchio (1940; Walt Disney)
55. Bambi (1942; Walt Disney)
56. Tarzan (1999; Walt Disney)
57. Doug’s First Movie (1999; DisneyToon)
58. The Black Cauldron (1985; Walt Disney)

If anything, it’s harder for me to decide the worst than the best, maybe because my reasons for disliking a movie are more varied. In the end, The Black Cauldron beat out all crappy contenders by having a lot of the same problems of plot, characters, and art style but also trying to cram 5 books into one movie. Five books that I kind of really like, especially at the time I first saw this film. You can imagine the disappointment. Child-Me had not yet come to terms with the fact that movie adaptions of books you like are often fraught with terribleness, but this movie helped teach her that lesson, I guess.

You might also notice that this bottom list is more varied in terms of studio responsible than the top list. I was interested in that too, and if there was a correlation between studio and quality. The comparison is a little unfair, of course, since Walt Disney Studios has produced 37 of the films on this list, while the next most prolific, Pixar, only has 10.

Films on this list produced by each studio

Films on this list produced by each studio

Still, I thought it would be illustrative, so here are the average rankings of each studio on the list (out of 58, remember)

The results aren't surprising

The results aren’t surprising

DisneyToon makes a terrible showing, partly because there are only 2 films it produced, and both are on the bottom ten. Studio Ghibli is a clear winner, even with the terribleness of Ponyo weighing it down from #50. Walt Disney Studios, where the bulk of these are coming from, is sitting comfortably in the middle. Because, sure, it’s got its Frozen and Mulan, but it also has The Black Cauldron and Tarzan weighing it down.

Here’s the full list: Read the rest of this entry »

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