FIRE!!

So there are these dumpsters about a hundred paces from my front door, and next to them is a strange fenced off little enclosure where people dump old mattresses or furniture. There are plenty of overhanging trees too.

When we first walked outside, the wind was up and we were getting hit with sparks.

Luckily Rachel is quickest on the cellphone draw and called 911. We found out someone already had. People from the Business and Professional Women’s Club next door were already gathering to take pictures with their cellphones stupidly close. Some other apartment dwellers, slightly more freaked out because, you know, we live here, started gathering and trying to move their cars. Joe immediately accused the guy holding a cigarette of starting the whole thing and returning to the scene of the crime.

Goodbye, unsightly fire hazard dangerously close to my front door

Luckily Carrboro Fire and Rescue showed up speedily

Which is good, since I haven’t had a detailed plan of what to grab while fleeing my house since I was about seven.

From our front porch

The fire was probably started by a tossed cigarette, but since almost everyone in North Carolina smokes, I doubt they’ll find out who is responsible. A policeman did come and talk to us, but of course we didn’t come outside until the fire was huge so we weren’t much help. Personally, I am suspicious of the Business and Professional Women’s Club. They always park in our parking lot and whenever I pass by, it’s just MEN hanging out outside. Where are the Professional Women? Is it just a front for something? I will continue to stare out my window with binoculars until someone is brought to justice or I am fined for being a total creeper.

This morning the air still smells like Smores.

That was my first clue. My second clue was when I looked at the academic calendar (for the first time ever, natch) and saw “JANUARY 11TH: CLASSES BEGIN” highlighted in red.

I can only imagine what would have happened had I decided to make breakfast instead of order textbooks (which I gave up on after discovering the sordid truth, btws). I would have taken the bus to school, complaining about the cold the entire way, wondered vaguely where the hordes of undergraduates were, and sat in an empty classroom for about half an hour before wondering if there was some kind of alphabetizationmergency I had missed the alert on.

I guess I just assumed that if I was going to work I should also be going to class. I’m actually hoping this happens more often because suddenly having another week of sleeping in and not doing boring readings about “What IS information?” is all the more awesome because of its unexpectedness.

So awesome that I decided to update my blog for the first time since being gripped by the ravages of Frozen North-induced flu. Don’t worry, I got better in time for presents. It was a Christmas miracle.

Last year my novel started out being a set of connected and humorous short stories about the library I used to work at. Then that got boring and I wasn’t working fast enough so zombies attacked the library. Then about a third of the way through I couldn’t take the word limit requirements and it turned into ridiculous stream of consciousness where I talked about everything from what I had dreamed the night before to how I feel about flying squirrels. In hundreds of years they will probably find it and be so confused they will have no choice but to turn it into a holy book and start worshiping its bad syntax.

This year I made a vow that I would hold off stream of consciousness for as long as possible. However, it’s November 10th and I only have 13,868 words. By the end of today I should have 16,670. Yeah, right. Not when I am also trying to write final papers for grad school, thanks.

To say that I have upheld my vow and completely stayed on track would also not be completely accurate. Sure, I have stuck with a story and not started rambling about my personal life yet, but it only took about four days for that story to veer dramatically from semi-serious psychological study of realistic characters to TIME TRAVELING ALIENS ARE ATTACKING; ONLY YOU CAN SAVE MANKIND. I assume this switch was inevitable. Also, it is only November 10th. There are 20 more days left. I predict I would be stream of consciousnessing to make Faulkner proud by the end of this week.

While I was there, I got to wear a stylish mask, and everyone kept assuring me that Everything Is Going To Be Okay. Apparently the top half of my face always looks really worried, because in reality I am way less scared of swine flu than I am of Japanese Spider Crabs. They told me I either had a mild case or was “incubating it” and would feel even worse later. They gave me pamphlets. I got to keep the mask.

Doctor: Do you need proof that you were here?
Me: Ummm… what? Like for insurance?
Doctor: You’re a grad student so probably not. Most of the undergrads are afraid their professors will think they’re lying.
Me: No, my professors seem pretty understanding.
Doctor: Well, you’re a grad student; you’re more mature.

LULZ! Joke’s on her! Although judging from the vapid conversations I’m forced to listen to daily on the bus, she’s probably right.

Anyway, after sleeping for fourteen hours, I feel much better! Take that swine flu! Although still coughing like a chain-smoking asthmatic.

This isn’t the first encounter I’ve had with the joy that is M&M Waffles. The theory occurred to me in the Wiess Servery when morning when I realized some SCIENTIFIC FACTS upon which to base this experiment in the tasty sciences:

1) The Wiess Servery has a waffle iron.
2) The Wiess vending machines have M&M’s (sometimes)

Hypothesis: I could put M&M’s in the waffle batter and get M&M waffles!!!

Unfortunately this was in the early days of my scientific career so I had failed to take a few vital parts of the experiment into consideration.

1) I hate waiting in lines so the waffle iron was pretty much out of my reach.
2) M&Ms can burn and melt and things. Though they seem magical, they are essentially chocolate.

Thankfully, Ye Olde Waffle Shoppe has my back! A narrow diner with waffles, pancakes, eggs, and hashbrowns, this would TOTALLY have been a Breakfast Club Destination had it been in H-Town during my three-year tenure as Breakfast Rep. The M&M waffles were maybe the closest mortal man can be to heaven. At least if your version of heaven involves waffles and candy. MINE DOES.

Unfortunately by the time I realized this was a life-changing experience, all of the food was gone. I will probably have to make several more research trips to this location and eat several more M&M waffles. You know, FOR SCIENCE.

I had a feeling this one would be different because I was at the library the morning after it came out, when the five teen girl movie volunteers staggered in around noon after staying up all night waiting at the book store. “Well?” I asked them. “How is it?” Since they’d been talking about nothing else for the past two months it wasn’t hard for them to know what I was talking about. I was shocked when they all shouted “HORRIBLE!” at once and one of them added “It’s like Stephanie Meyer didn’t even write it.” After valiantly reading the other three books so that you don’t have to, I started wondering about this condemnation. Could it be that Stephanie Meyer, in the fourth book of her wildly popular and horribly written teen girl series, has FINALLY learned how to write, letting down her vapid fans everywhere?

The answer, I’m sad to tell you, is NO. For the love of all that is at least properly punctuated, NO. So, proceed IF YOU DARE.

Breaking Dawn

First 100 Pages: OMG WEDDING SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!

Carlisle, Vampire Doctor: Oh, and let me tell you this story about something called “Immortal Children”. They’re kids that got turned into vampires. Way cute, but TOTALLY DEADLY! They’re a big no-no. Luckily they’ve all been dead for centuries.

Bella: So why are you telling me now?

Carlisle: So you can have a foreshadowing dream every fifty pages.

Edward: I know I told you we would try to get it on, within the bounds of Holy Matrimony, before I make you a vampire, but I don’t want to hurt you.

Bella: Don’t even worry about it! I’m fine. Oh, except for this black and blue mark.

Edward: OH MY GOD FIFTY PAGES OF ANGST AND GUILT. Bella, we are NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN. Ever. Clearly, it’s wrong.

Bella: Now you won’t sex me up INSIDE of marriage? You are like the lamest vampire ever.

Bella’s Uterus: Hey gang! So got a baby in me right now! You can tell by the way you’re throwing up in the morning and I’m noticeably protruding and you can’t stop eating eggs!

Bella: WHAT? I’ve had sex like… once! Yesterday!

Bella’s Uterus: Them’s the breaks, kid. Should have listened to your extremely effeminate vampire husband. Sex ALWAYS leads to instantaneous pregnancy.

Edward: Oh my God that thing inside you is growing way too fast!

Bella: It’s cool.

Edward: Also, it’s sapping all your energy.

Bella: Whatever, I got this.

Edward: And breaking your ribs. And killing you.

Bella: YOU CAN’T HAVE MY BABY.

Jacob: Hey guys. I’m still totes in love with Bella, so I came to watch her slowly die from your evil vamfetus so I can angst about it later.

Edward: Jacob! Only YOU can save Bella! Clearly she wants babies and clearly I can’t give them to her.

Jacob: So… you’re looking for some kind of werewolf-baby-making threesome?

Bella: NO WAY. I guarantee you those babies would NOT be as amazing as my vambaby!

Jacob: Whatever. I’m so used to you constantly rejecting me that I don’t even hear it anymore.

Bella’s Fetus: Heya, guys. I’ve been in here for like two weeks and I’m bored. Time to bust out of this Popsicle stand!

Edward: It’s a girl!

Bella: I’ve combined our mother’s names! Renee and Esme. We shall call her… RENESMEE! (dies)

Edward: I AM NOT BECOMING A SINGLE DAD TO SOME SPARKLY FREAK BABY! (turns her into a vampire)

Renesme: Hey team. Because having a normal, boring baby around would be such a drag, I’m like a magical-human-vampire-elf-fairy-princess baby who can show you what I’m thinking by touching you and learns to talk in three days and walk in a week and looks like I’m five when I’m really like a month old! Also, I’m super gorgeous and strong and fast and PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.

Jacob: I just had a Native American Werewolf Psychic Moment! When you grow up–probably in like a year–YOU will be my ONE TRUE LOVE! All my problems are solved! No loose ends here!

Bella: Woo!!! Being a vampire is amazing! I’m sparkly and fast and pretty!!! I will talk about how awesome it is and how awesome my magical human vampire fairy elf princess baby is for the next three hundred and fifty pages!

Carlisle: Don’t forget to have creepy premonitions about immortal children!

Some angry vampire chick, possibly from the second book: OMG that beautiful, fast, sparkly child could only be AN IMMORTAL CHILD!!! WTF, guys, that’s totes against the rules! I’m telling!

Alice, Psychic Vampire: OH NOES! The Italian Vampire Royalty are coming to kill us all!

Carlisle: So on page 600 of this 754 page novel, the antagonists have finally showed up?

Alice: Kind of. It’ll take them another hundred to get here.

Carlisle: We should prepare by gathering our vampire friends, so that they too can ramble on about how beautiful and amazing our magical human vampire elf fairy princess baby is. Oh, also so maybe they can tell the Italian Vampire Royalty that we didn’t create an immortal child.

Other Vampires: We’re so there!

Romanian Vampires: You didn’t invite us, but we came anyway because we hate the Italian Vampire Royalty and think they’re looking for a fight. They are always pushing everyone around! Are you going to stand for that? Come on, guys, there’s like fifty of you. We could take them.

Carlisle: We’ll see. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. And, because you know Stephanie Meyer, you know it won’t, since an all-out vampire brawl would be WAY TOO EXCITING for this book.

Vampire Royalty: We’re finally here to kill you.

Renesmee: I’m totes not an immortal child.

Other Vampires: No, really.

Vampire Royalty: Oops. Our bad. See yous guys. Oh, and I guess we’ll kill Angry Vampire Chick for lying to us. You know, to keep our vampire cred.

Edward: They only ran because they were scared of you, Bella.

Bella: Me?

Edward: Yeah, whatever. Maybe someday they’ll… come back… or something.

Bella: Great, way to set up for a possible sequel starring our magical fairy princess rainbow my little pony sailor moon elf barbie daughter.

Edward: It’s all about the royalties!

The End

So, besides having no plot, which, judging from the reception of the other books, teen girls have no problem with, Stephanie Meyer made the obvious mistake of having her heroine be 1. married and 2. a mom. No teen girl wants to fantasize about being married with children, even if they are super vampire magical elf children. This book, and pretty much the whole series, is like Dracula brought to you by the people who did the American cut of Sailor Moon, if they’d all suddenly converted to Mormonism. Pretty much all sparkly costume changes, and no one is sexualized or does anything evil, even though they’re all wearing mini skirts or, you know, VAMPIRES.

You guys owe me. That was painful.

This could have ended any number of ways, but it turned out to be a lizard.

His name is Clyde!

Then, after a lengthy discussion of Clyde’s eating habits–in which he asked us for “Florida herbage” twice, saying that he could sense we had some by our aura–he introduced us to his friend “Gandalf” who recited some poetry. Then a pimply high schooler arrived with a bottle of prescription drugs and I used the distraction to run back down the alley and not stop until I reached the Tollhouse Cookie Bakery. Steven followed along at a somewhat more sedate pace.

Or possibly some kind of root. Still, SCARY STUFF!

Again, cute but DEADLY

And the mighty buffalo:

DON'T EVEN MESS WITH ME ONCE NEARLY-EXTINCT SYMBOL OF NATIVE LIVELIHOOD. I WILL CUT A BITCH.

Also, Trixie will eat your liver. True story.

The tastiest way to die

Behold the seagull mafia!

Luckily, I am from Florida and narrowly avoided death by making myself look as unappetizing as possible and losing myself in a far more pliant tour group. Another narrow animal-escape.

Luckily he did not succeed, for if he had, I would have undoubtedly faced DEATH once again as the infuriated, adrenaline-fueled penguin attempted to gore what he would see as the nearest of his human captors.