Ostensibly, he dropped by on a “I’m never going to see you again because I’m going home tomorrow” visit (the VERY day the Rainpocalypse began–a little TOO convenient). Along with his sadness, however, he brought along two reusable Target bags full of newspapers, claiming that I could take them to IKEA and exchange them for food.

Brian Reinhart: I view IKEA as the greatest triumph of modern capitalism.

Only later did I find out this was A LIE. You CANNOT exchange newspaper for food at IKEA and now there’s a 20-inch stack of newspapers in my room I don’t know what to do with. I can only make so many funny hats, Brian. I would just recycle them to make Jeremy Caves happy (my goal in life) and think nothing of it, except for Brian’s OTHER comments on that fateful Friday.

Brian Reinhart: I saw your blog. (dramatic pause) You think it’s over because there’s no Thresher this week. But you just wait. You forgot the GRADUATE EDITION.
Me: I have no idea what that is.
Brian Reinhart: OH, YOU’LL SEE! (maniacal laughter)

I don’t know if he realizes that, after every “last” issue of The Thresher, I WILL STILL HAVE A BLOG. You can’t turn off the Internet, Brian.

And just when I was about to shout that at him I realized: that’s what he’s been doing. It’s not the server or WordPress or the other things Steven Wiggins has claimed so it looks like he knows what he’s doing; it’s BRIAN REINHART trying to STIFLE THE TRUTH. AND CAPITAL LETTERS. As Bo will tell you from his career as a Wiess President who often says things he regrets at Cabinet, I firmly believe that The People Have a Right To Know, but mostly just Nobody Tells Me What To Do. And that includes you, Mr. Calendar Page. Bring it.

In other news, despite Brian’s Rainpocalypse, we managed to complete another List item #88 this weekend by, not only going to see Molly and the Ringwalds at the Continental Club, but singing on stage with them:

As you can see by the dancing drunk girl, it was a wild success

We got made fun of a lot (by the band) for being “babies” and, in the case of Rachel and Bova, for forming a “Tall Girl Club” that the lead singer could not join. Still, we prevailed. Livin’ On a Prayer was never shrieked into a microphone so well. (I am noticably absent from this THE 434 picture because Patricia Ladd does not sing in public ever since a traumatic incident in the sixth grade.)

Harmless Gullible Freshman... OR IDENTITY THIEF???

She looks a little TOO happy considering we convinced her to buy most of the Wiess Garage Sale. I mean, don’t get me wrong; I love Rachel Liontas. If there was some kind of bracket system to determine The Best Freshman, she would totally be in my Final Four (now that I think about it, why DON’T we pit the freshmen against each other in a dramatic, death-defying battle for the seniors’ love? Or is that the Freshmen One Acts?). At the wildly successful Wiess Garage Sale, Rachel made off with the following from THE 434′s stash of amazingness: a coconut cup, kickball, Mystery Date Game, pirate hat, Rubix Cube, shiny pink 80s dress, hot pink toga, cowboy hat, Christmas lights, and red star sunglasses. This list is a little too calculated to be just random, impulse buying. Clearly she is amassing all of our definitive possessions in a wild bid to become THE 434 after we have gone. DO NOT BE FOOLED. Just because it is pink and sparkly does NOT mean that it is necessarily Bova!

2. THE 434′s List Completion

Harmless shenanigans... OR PLOT TO DESTROY WIESS???

I know it’s kind of hypocritical to say that, as an integral part of THE 434 and its List of Things to Do Before Graduating, I am something that spells our doom, but, let’s face it, we’ve already done all the easy ones like #1 Meet Beyonce, and now we have only fifteen days to complete the other 37. Also, since I finished my last paper yesterday I have lots of free time to devote to #22 Cause “all kinds of drama” or #13 Kill Jeremy Caves. It used to be “Kidnap Jeremy Caves” until we learned that other people already had this idea on three separate occasions. THE 434 prides itself on originality. Incidentally, if you have some free time and want to help out with #33 Hold Auditions for Next BFF, #53 Start a Pyramid Scheme at Wiess, or #69 Hold Auditions and Perform Exorcism (see above), you can find me (clearly) in THE 434, always willing to wreak havoc or cover you in green slime. Always.

3. Starvation/Tetra Point Wars

A Harmless Agreement Between Friends... OR MEDIEVAL SERFDOM???

I still remain unconvinced that the Servery will remain open after exams are over for the few of us seniors who remain.  Therefore, most of us will starve to death, except for those few who have not already rashly spent all of our Tetra Points on smoothies and coffee. The few who have saved for this very moment will lord it over those of us who have not, forcing us to wait on them like medieval chattels in exchange for day old 13th Street sushi or sketchy pub pizza. Maybe eventually we will rise up against the wealthy minority and redistribute the Tetra points equally among all, living the last few days till graduation in a Utopian collective. Or massively corrupt communist dictatorship. Whatevs.

4. Brian Reinhart

Harmless Feta Lover... OR SHAMELESS EXTORTIONIST???

So Brian’s been giving me a lot (well, two) shout outs in the Thresher calendar page lately, which I don’t have a link to because they don’t post it on their website (suspiciously). The first time it was just a nice little paragraph about how my blog is awesome (with a thinly veiled threat about what will happen to me if I stop updating). But last week featured an entirely fictitious quote in which I counseled zombie preparedness over Velociraptor attack preparedness. That’s actually an issue I feel strongly about, but that’s not the point. Brian seems to think (along with Julia and Arin who used me to pimp their Hedgejumping Plan on the list serv for some reason) that just dropping my name will add credibility to his controversial calendar writing. Clearly he is trying to ride my coat tails to success. “But, Patricia,” he will say when this blog (or the one acts?) finally start pulling its weight and I’m living in a mansion with a lazy river and a private amusement park, “remember when I gave you a shout out in the calendar that one time? You clearly owe all of your success to me! GIVE ME YOUR PET UNICORN!” Yeah, I plan to be so rich that I will be able to buy mythical animals. Why do you think I’m charging THREE pies for the one act this year?

5. Parents On the Internet

Just Trying To Keep In Touch... OR RUINING THE INTERNET???

I hope you don’t need me to tell you why this is bad news bears.

So I expect you to take me totally seriously when I claim that it has become clear in recent weeks that Edgar Odell Lovett was actually a ninja.

Unlike some of my seemingly wild claims that then have turned out to be eerily accurate (re: Jason Hawley has embezzled all of Wiess’ money to diamond-encrust his lap top, the Servery will one day have cheesesticks etc.) I have some actual, photographic evidence for this, and it is as follows:

As modeled by me in the Woodson Research Center Basement/Ninja Training Room

Basically, it’s a really long bamboo pole.  At least ten or fifteen feet. Supposedly it was used for pole vaulting back in the very beginning of Rice Institute and then Lovett’s son used it as a banister in his house for awhile. I mean, we’ve all been there. At a track and field meet, when you see the pole vaulting poles lying on the ground and suddenly think: “You know what that would make? One sweet banister!”

OR he was actually trying to disguise the bamboo pole, to cover the evidence that Edgar Odell Lovett had actually used it daily in his secret career as a ninja. Everyone knows he went to Japan on his world tour of universities before starting Rice! But was it really to meet the Japanese Minister of Education… OR TO TRAIN AS A HIGHLY SKILLED ASSASSIN???

Don’t believe me? To quote an anonymous archivist within the Woodson Research Center: “Edgar Odell Lovett was definitely a ninja. But don’t quote me on that.” What more evidence do you need?