This could have ended any number of ways, but it turned out to be a lizard.

His name is Clyde!

Then, after a lengthy discussion of Clyde’s eating habits–in which he asked us for “Florida herbage” twice, saying that he could sense we had some by our aura–he introduced us to his friend “Gandalf” who recited some poetry. Then a pimply high schooler arrived with a bottle of prescription drugs and I used the distraction to run back down the alley and not stop until I reached the Tollhouse Cookie Bakery. Steven followed along at a somewhat more sedate pace.

Only pretending to be cute to deliver the killing nuzzle, cheeky devil

If not for my premeditated application of copious amounts of Claritin, I could very well be NO MORE. Or at least in sorry shape before facing the next instance of NEAR DEATH:

Again, the cuteness is a front to hide its INNER RAGE

Elephant seals, like house cats, use their cuteness as a cover before attacking viciously. Luckily I was able to throw some other, less animal-savvy tourists into their path. Here they are blindly cultivating the ravenous, human-devouring instincts of another seemingly harmless creature:

Today they eat peanuts, tomorrow THE FLESH FROM OUR BONES

Another time I almost died, but managed to prevail through my keen abilities of Staying Behind a Fence and Getting Back Into the Car.

Naturally their failure was a source of much disappointment to the seals