My first question comes from Brian R. of Texas. Brian writes:

If there were zombie sheep, or hypothetically any zombie animal species, would they only lust after the brains of members of the same species? This is important e.g. if a certain jobless young man has dreams of someday moving to New Zealand but wants assurance that if the extremely large sheep population there were to suddenly all become zombies, he would not be at risk. Thanks!

Zombie animals are a hotly debated topic amongst those of us who may or may not frequent zombie preparedness forums. Max Brooks, my personal favorite zombie expert, calls shenanigans on this in no uncertain terms:

Brooks, M. (2003). The zombie survival guide: Complete protection from the living dead. New York: Three Rivers Press, pg 4.

Yeah, my copy of Zombie Survival Guide is highlighted in parts, but you don’t hear me lecturing you about your lack of preparedness, so…

In World War Z zombies will consume animals if no humans are available, but in the remake of Dawn of the Deadthey won’t even do that: the zombies completely ignore a dog winding its way through their horde. The Resident Evil series is on the other side of this debate, where the virus in question manages to mutate and infect dogs and birds. However, the Resident Evil series also includes random telepathy and this:

Don't even get me started on the ridiculousness of Mila's outfit

The virus in Resident Evil can apparently not only infect humans and animals, but also somehow manages to kill all plants and water on the planet. So I tend to pretty much ignore the whole thing as a fever dream and not a good source for zombie knowledge. Another movie reference that I think is relevant, particularly when discussing sheep and New Zealand is this masterpiece:

There are 40 million sheep in New Zealand... and they are pissed off!

The sheep are infected with a virus that makes them crave human flesh, and bitten humans will become sheep-men creatures, which pretty much describes a sheep version of the zombie virus jumping species. However, like in most zombie movies, the main people to be punished are hippies and evil scientists, so unless those are the jobs you’re applying for in New Zealand, I would say you’re probably safe. I don’t really buy zombie animals as a thing.

HOWEVER

Science does. I know it’s not as fun to turn to science for answers as it is B-movies and books erroneously shelved in the humor section, but there are a lot of species of insect that can be controlled by parasites. Even some forms of crab and maybe even humans? Okay, the human one is not even a huge deal, the parasite may by more likely to make men angry and women outgoing–the scientists might be confusing the parasite with alcohol. And even in many of the animals the controlling parasite doesn’t often KILL its host until the very end. There’s not really any reanimating going on here, so I would deem it zombie-like at best.

So, Brian from Texas, the short answer is, you’re safe unless you buy Resident Evil as a valid source of information. Or until the zombie virus mutates horribly!

But maybe there IS a kind of first sentence that really draws me in, at least subconsciously, so I decided to look at the first sentences of every book I’ve ever considered my favorite. It turns out, a lot of them started in medias res, or at least just jumping right on into some action without any annoying framing or scene setting. Let me hit you with some examples:

“This time there would be no witnesses.”
Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams

I know, if one of your favorite books is by Douglas Adams, it almost has to be Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and believe me, I am ALL ABOUT manic depressive robots having conversations with sentient mattresses, but Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency has always been closer to my heart. I used to think it was because it combined my love of “Rime of the Ancient Mariner”, time travel, and vindictive horoscope writers, but now I’m thinking maybe it’s all in the first sentence. Hitchhiker’s, after all, begins with some scene setting. Some massively general scene setting:

“Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.”
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

I’m not saying it’s bad, but it doesn’t draw me in as immediately. With the former I immediately want to know 1) what are you doing that you don’t want anyone to see? and 2) what happened LAST time? With the latter I just kind of nod and say “Yep”. Here’s an even more dramatic example:

“So this was how it ended.”
Devilish by Maureen Johnson

How WHAT ended? I thought this book was about teen girls and cupcakes! Although, in retrospect, the title should have clued me in that this book is more serious business. Still:

The Face of the Devil

“There was no doubt about it: there was a fox behind the climbing frame.”
Un Lun Dun by China Mieville

This sentence kind of makes me feel like I’ve just come in at the tail end of an argument that goes “That’s totally a fox, you guys!!!” “No, it can’t be!” “It SO is! Look! Look!” Also, I’m not sure what a climbing frame is, so, again, SUSPENSE until I figure it out. I even used this tactic in my own book, although granted not as dramatically as Adams or Johnson:

“Etheos grumbled something inaudible to himself, but ate the muffin anyway.”
The Knight, the Wizard, and the Lady Pig by Patricia Ladd

I mean, what could possibly be so wrong with a muffin, Etheos? Unless it’s gross or something, and then why are you eating it? Is someone forcing you? Why is your name Etheos? How do you say that, anyway? SO MANY QUESTIONS. Or maybe I just have an affinity for baked goods, whatever.

Then there are sentences that try to TRICK me into thinking they’re in medias res, but are really just using cleverly disguised scene setting! You’d think I’d be mad about a narrator jerking me around like that, but I’m fooled every time:

“Later, while I was facing the Potter Moth, or fleeing for my life from the First Ones, or helping man a cannon aboard Jack Havock’s brig Sophronia, I would often think back to the way my life used to be, and to that last afternoon at Larklight, before all our misfortunes began.”
Larklight by Philip Reeve

So the sentences after this are all scene-setting about Larklight (which, granted, is a way cool steampunk Victorian space mansion beyond the moon so not boring), but I am totes willing to sit through it because I really want to know what a Potter Moth is and how Art gets from fighting with his sister in their drawing room to cannons. Space cannons.

If an author’s got to use scene-setting, they apparently need to at least make it funny in some way to hold my interest and earn a place on Patricia’s Favorite Books List. Observe:

“Linderwall was a large kingdom, just east of the Mountains of Morning, where philosophers were highly respected and the number five was fashionable.”
Dealing with Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede

Starts off like it’s going to be all normal, and then BAM the number five was fashionable. Totally not where you thought that sentence was going and I am all for that. I immediately start imaging what a society with a fashionable number would be like. Would you want to show up in a group of five everywhere you went? Would you put five straws in your drink? Five ludicrously tiny dogs in your purse? Hats shaped like the number five? All of these are excellent ideas. I remember the Enchanted Forest Chronicles as being my favorite for a long time, but I always assumed it was a combination of fiesty Princess Cimorene and the author also being named Patricia. Now I know: fashionable numbers in the first sentence.

“What began it all was the bright bone of a dream I could hardly hold on to.”
Running in the Family by Michael Ondaatje

This is by far the most serious book on this list, and even it is pretty funny in a quiet, sometimes sad kind of way. I like how we don’t know what “it” is, and I can’t get over the phrase “the bright bone of a dream”. Even after reading this book about 37 times, I’m not really positive what it means, but, like much of his phrasing, I feel like I can recognize it without really knowing what it is. Running in the Family is the most beautiful book I have ever read, and I like how it begins vaguely, but with a clear image of trying to hold on to a dream, something I also have trouble with.

“These events transpired just after the time when the most powerful soft-drinks company in the world pulled off the greatest feat of advertising in modern history.”
The Troublesome Offspring of Cardinal Guzman by Louis de Bernieres

Of course the obvious question is, what did they do? The answer is relayed in the next sentence: they painted the moon red with their logo. The rest of the chapter is about how this caused some polar bears to evolve red fur, and how everyone was all worried about how it would affect “primitive Amazonian tribes”, but it’s cool because they’ve all known about Coke for years. Even though I’m pretty sure the moon being painted with a Coke logo never comes up again after the first page (which potentially makes this beginning even BETTER), it’s an interesting enough image to really set the stage for the half-realistic, half-fanciful, ALL magical realism story that follows. And then, of course, there’s Terry Pratchett, with probably one of my favorite scene-setting first sentences ever:

“Some things start before other things.”
The Wee Free Men by Terry Pratchett

Some might call it laziness, I call it GENIUS.

I’m a little disappointed that my current favorite book, The True Meaning of Smekday, has probably the most boring sentence in this survey. Like Running in the Family, I can read Smekday over and over and over again and never get tired of it, but unlike Running in the Family it’s first sentence doesn’t really impress me.

“Assignment: Write an essay titled The True Meaning of Smekday.”
The True Meaning of Smekday by Adam Rex

Clearly a framing technique for the story is that it is ostensibly part of a school assignment, which, after reading the book, I agree is important for Tip’s hilarious though slightly annoyed voice, like she’s going to tell you what happened because she has to, not because she’s all that jazzed about sharing. Still, the only thing this sentence makes me wonder is “What the heck is Smekday?”, which, luckily, was a good enough reason to keep reading the book, since I really enjoyed it!

So, there you go. If you want to sell your book to me, it’d be a good idea to start it in the middle of the action and save any tiresome scene setting or description for later. I need to be caught off guard or your book will bore me. I’ll still finish it, but I might make fun of you on my blog.

This week I wrote two letters whose arrows won’t fit on my map because they’re going to the UK! One for Brian and for my ex-flatmate in Scotland! Although now she lives in North Yorkshire. Exciting times that necessitate an actual trip to the post office for correct postage!

Most of the letters I’ve written have been about 1.5-2 pages, front and back, but Brian’s is definitely the longest so far, at around 3.5! I think because I was sort of tired when I wrote it, and felt it started off kind of strangely, so kept trying to write more to offset that. Then I just got bored and decided to write down ALL OF MY DARKEST SECRETS because something about sending it to London means it will be too far away for judgement. I will, of course, be sorry when a week from now Brian writes a dramatic expose on his blog titled: “Patricia Ladd: SECRETLY ILLITERATE??” Best kept secret ever! Who would suspect a librarian?

I totally just found a website where you can make your own Twilight book!!!!

It’s called “Teen Book By You”. Basically, you tell them the girl character’s name and what color her hair is and the guy character’s name and what color his hair is, and then they mail you a copy of the book that you wrote!! And by wrote, I mean filled in five boxes. Natch the book isn’t the “real” Twilight. It’s called First Bite, and it’s about a klutzy highschool girl who falls in love with a vampire. I did the “preview this book” function, which you should definitely check out. At first I decided to fill in the names with professors at Rice, so that Jane Chance and Dr. Dodds’ dramatic yet secret love story could finally be told. Then I decided that I’ve been so mean to Brian Reinhart on my blog over the past year that it’s definitely time to put forth an olive branch. An olive branch consisting of him realizing his true love for Edward Cullen.

“Did you enjoy the party?” Brian tilted her head and reached up a hand to remove her earrings as she watched Edward in the mirror. That’s another myth gone. His reflection’s as visible as mine.
“Let me,” Edward whispered, circling her ear with one night-cool finger. “Ah, the party. It was interesting. Your friend Rory has a great deal of energy.”
“That’s one way to put it! No fear, no speedometer, no brakes. That’s what she’d say.” Brian smiled fondly. “She’s a good friend.”
“Yes.” He looked deep into the mirror, seeing something she could not find; he forgot to pretend to breathe, lost in thought. Brian waited, curious and concerned, idly admiring the line of his jaw, the sparkle of his black eyes.
A slow nod signaled his return to the moment. “Rory has suspicions about me. About what I am.”
Brian froze. “Are you sure?”
“She seems to have held her ideas for quite some time, on little evidence. Is she one of those who romanticizes my kind? There are many who seem strangely fascinated with my fictional brethren.”
“Well, Rory likes vampire flicks, but she’s no Goth.What exactly did she say?”
Edward repeated the conversation verbatim. “As I said, she has little evidence, but still she persists in her conviction, and I cannot argue. She is, after all, correct about what I do.”
Brian stared at him. “Edward?” Her voice was high and soft. “Would you show me? I mean…what you do? How you feed?”
“I would rather not.” Her face fell, and he had to look away. “If you feel it necessary, I shall. When you are certain. Not until then.” Gentle as the brush of a shadow, he stroked her cheek, kissed her, and vanished into the night, leaving her alone.
Brian lay awake long into the night, falling finally into a restless, dream-haunted sleep about Edward where each ray of sunshine coming through the windows was first his touch, then a brand of fire, alternately pleasure and pain. She woke, sweating and chilled, wondering why she didn’t just turn and run away….

Naturally the problem with this is that, gender confusion aside, it’s better written than the real Twilight. Luckily, for further hilarity, the same website also offers another book called Prom and Prejudice. I assume you can guess what it’s based off of.

And, to apologize further to Brian Reinhart, I thought I would make this about the TRUE love of his life:

…All Classical Music could think about was her missing ring, making it impossible to concentrate on the English test. Brian was offering to help, but that could be as dangerous as failing the test. Classical Music nervously looked up toward her teacher, Mr. Heikkilite. He wasn’t watching her, but she studied him for a moment, attempting to calculate the probability of whether he would look up as she scribbled a note and slid her reply to Brian.

What’s it gonna cost me?

At her inquiry, Brian actually looked hesitant, as if contemplating a deal. Finally he scrawled a reply and pushed the scrap of paper around for to read:

Pretend 2 B my girlfriend?

She looked up at his face, her expression incredulous. He gave her a helpless look and shrugged slightly. She wrote back, carefully printing her response, while keeping an eye on Mr. Heikkilite.

R U insane?

Classical Music watched Brian for a moment, looking for a response. He gave none, other than reaching into his pocket and pulling his hand out – a familiar ring decorating his indexfinger! Classical Music let her mouth drop open in horror and she lunged across the aisle, attempting to retrieve her heirloom. She inadvertently knocked her pen to the floor, attracting Mr. Heikkilite’s attention. She carefully picked up her pen and held it high so that the instructor could see what had caused the commotion. Brian stifled a laugh and placed the ring back in his pocket for safekeeping. If she weren’t afraid that Mr. Heikkilite would fail her, she would have tackled Brian to the floor to get that ring back. Instead, Classical Music glared at him one last time, then skimmed another question, hoping she could focus.
But it was of no use. Squeezing the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger, she nearly groaned in defeat. Twenty-four hours ago she’d been certain that she was leaving for college in the fall. Now, Classical Music was making a deal with the devil. Along the side of her scrap paper she scribbled a note and pushed it toward Brian. He glanced at the message, and a triumphant grin spread over his face, his gleaming brown eyes ablaze, as he read her note.

U know, Hip Hop will never 4give me 4 this.

——
“Wait a minute,” he began, and Classical Music stopped, looking at him curiously. “Look, Classical Music…”
“What? What is it?” she asked, the pained expression on his face making her nervous.
“I want you to go to the prom with me,” Brian blurted out abruptly.
The flush of happiness that covered her face was short-lived when she remembered their deal and the real reason he was inviting her. “I see,” Classical Music said quietly. “So this is the final straw to make your ex even more jealous?”
“No, Classical Music.” Brian laughed a bit awkwardly. “I mean, I want you to go with me − not as part of the plan − but as my date.”
Her eyes widened and she frowned slightly, replaying his words in her head to make sure she understood. “Your real date?”
“Yeah, my date. Who better to take than my best friend?” he responded in a murmur. There was an awkward pause as Brian waited for a response and Classical Music stood staring through him. Brian cleared his throat to break the silence.
“I really should get to class,” Classical Music finally replied, and started to walk past him.
“Please, Classical Music,” he stated simply. Something in his voice caused her to turn and face him. “I’ll understand if you don’t want to go with me, but just give me an answer. Yes or no?”
Her hazel eyes gazed directly into his brown ones. The tension in her chest seemed to release, and she found herself smiling again. “Yes, Brian. I’ll go to the prom with you.”

And they lived happily ever after I’m sure. Perhaps my favorite part of this website are the comments from customers:

“Gave my 15-year-old ‘First Bite’ since she’s such a fan of supernatural novels. She was thrilled and couldn’t wait to show her friends her own gothic love story. (…) I especially like that the leads are both smart and love books, and though there’s plenty of passion things aren’t too ‘adult’ or graphic. Though I’m sure my daughter wouldn’t have minded, considering how ‘hot’ the hero was (her words).”

“I bought Prom & Prejudice for my younger brother, who’s 12 and obsessed with football. He and his best friend (he ‘played’ the heroine’s funny sidekick) thought it was hilarious. My brother loved that he got to be the star player who saves the day without being a perfect goody-two-shoes. I’ll be buying my own copy so me and my boyfriend can play the leads. Thanks!”

Clearly these will be what everyone I know is getting for Christmas.

Anyway, my childhood ambition is ABOUT TO BE FULFILLED! No, not the one where I become a mailman. I am going to solve the mystery of the Lost Colony of Roanoke! As we speak, I am on the Outer Banks, tirelessly searching for clues. I realize that generations of fellow archeologists and crack pots have come before me, but I have one thing they don’t have: a belief in time travel. Armed with that, it should be way easy. Even easier than the time I solved the murder of Merriweather Lewis (the butler did it). So far, here is my list of time traveling suspects on this case:

1. William Marsh Rice

Artist's Conception (on the moon)

2. Japanese Spider Crabs

The single most terrifying creature of the sea

3. Brian Reinhart

What is he looking so smug about? Feta? OR THE FACT THAT HE LOST THE LOST COLONY??

4. Zombies

This is actually my top suspect right now

I will keep you posted.

Anyway, I made a list of all the things I miss about H-Town that I want to be sure to do while I’m there. Then they were all restaurants and I realized I couldn’t eat lunch twelve times on Friday. So I’ve decided to dig deeper, and think about what non-food things I miss about H-Town.

1. On-Ramps

It's like I'm living in the futuristic dystopia... TODAY!

Steven has always said that, unlike him, I’m a “natural Houston driver”, which I assume means “not a total wuss”. I really miss the needless enormity of the Houston highway system. Sure, it ruins the landscape, but I always feel like I’m entering a giant game of pinball as I speed up the oddly inclined on ramps or am about to rocket into a hover car skyscape a la The Jettsons. Sure, North Carolina roads are less intrusive and more in tune with the natural environment, but they make me feel two-thirds less like a super spy.

2. Brian Reinhart

If I were still an English major, I'd make some kind of innuendo about cheese

3. The Shoe Hospital

The number of pictures of this on flickr makes me happy

1. Giants

It’s come to my attention that North Carolina seems to be home to a family of giants as absent-minded as they are bone-crunching. They’re so busy eating innocent bystanders that they left their chests of drawers just lying around:

Somewhere there's a giant with cold feet consoling himself by eating a busload full of school children

These drawers are about 40 feet high, and are apparently for rent. They claim to be the World’s Largest Chest of Drawers, but on the drive over near the interstate, we found further damning evidence:

I measured, and that's about ten James Foxes taller than the so-called world's largest chest of drawers

Yeah, I thought I’d bring James Fox along, both for his use as a handy giant furniture height gauge and for his ability to distract the giants while I run away. Possibly by being eaten. Fortunately, it didn’t come to that, but be ye warned.

2. Merging

Constant, constant merging

You probably think I’m exaggerating, but you have no idea how ridiculous it is. Every highway has two-lane on-ramps, both of which end, and lanes on all roads mysteriously disappear without warning despite the fact that their existence seemed superfluous to begin with. This mania for merging could be indicative of poor road planning, but I like to think it goes deeper into the very psyche of the state. By forcing me to merge constantly, they create a constant anxiety about whether or not the lane I’m currently in will disappear, destabilizing my very outlook on life! Clearly it’s all a plot from the ice cream industry, hoping people will self-medicate their merging-induced identity crisis with a healthy dose of double chocolate fudge. For shame, Jerry of Ben and Jerry’s! For shame. (I expected this of Ben, but not of you.) My alternate theory has to do with a highway planner besotted with the girl in charge of painting merge arrows on the highway. I won’t tell you the rest, but in the end he’s killed in a tragic merging accident. Of course.

3. Frequent Power Outages

Artist's Conception

I guess it has something to do with the number of trees around and the wind, but we’ve already had TWO power outages in which I was forced to A) eat peanut butter for more than one meal in a row, B) shower in the darkness and endanger my life with possible head trauma/drowning/being attacked by that creepy girl from The Ring, and, most seriously, C) ALMOST DID NOT GET TO UPDATE MY BLOG. Clearly this is the most serious threat of all! Once again someone is trying to silence the truth! Which is shocking because I thought I was out of Brian Reinhart’s insidious weather-controlling range. Looks like I was wrong. So we need to settle this the only way I know how: DANCE FIGHT. WIESS COMMONS. PARENT’S WEEKEND. Be there, Reinhart, or I will Hoedown Throwdown unopposed once again.

See, I have business there anyway. These crazy kids are putting on this play I wrote. Fools!

Ostensibly, he dropped by on a “I’m never going to see you again because I’m going home tomorrow” visit (the VERY day the Rainpocalypse began–a little TOO convenient). Along with his sadness, however, he brought along two reusable Target bags full of newspapers, claiming that I could take them to IKEA and exchange them for food.

Brian Reinhart: I view IKEA as the greatest triumph of modern capitalism.

Only later did I find out this was A LIE. You CANNOT exchange newspaper for food at IKEA and now there’s a 20-inch stack of newspapers in my room I don’t know what to do with. I can only make so many funny hats, Brian. I would just recycle them to make Jeremy Caves happy (my goal in life) and think nothing of it, except for Brian’s OTHER comments on that fateful Friday.

Brian Reinhart: I saw your blog. (dramatic pause) You think it’s over because there’s no Thresher this week. But you just wait. You forgot the GRADUATE EDITION.
Me: I have no idea what that is.
Brian Reinhart: OH, YOU’LL SEE! (maniacal laughter)

I don’t know if he realizes that, after every “last” issue of The Thresher, I WILL STILL HAVE A BLOG. You can’t turn off the Internet, Brian.

And just when I was about to shout that at him I realized: that’s what he’s been doing. It’s not the server or WordPress or the other things Steven Wiggins has claimed so it looks like he knows what he’s doing; it’s BRIAN REINHART trying to STIFLE THE TRUTH. AND CAPITAL LETTERS. As Bo will tell you from his career as a Wiess President who often says things he regrets at Cabinet, I firmly believe that The People Have a Right To Know, but mostly just Nobody Tells Me What To Do. And that includes you, Mr. Calendar Page. Bring it.

In other news, despite Brian’s Rainpocalypse, we managed to complete another List item #88 this weekend by, not only going to see Molly and the Ringwalds at the Continental Club, but singing on stage with them:

As you can see by the dancing drunk girl, it was a wild success

We got made fun of a lot (by the band) for being “babies” and, in the case of Rachel and Bova, for forming a “Tall Girl Club” that the lead singer could not join. Still, we prevailed. Livin’ On a Prayer was never shrieked into a microphone so well. (I am noticably absent from this THE 434 picture because Patricia Ladd does not sing in public ever since a traumatic incident in the sixth grade.)

Harmless Gullible Freshman... OR IDENTITY THIEF???

She looks a little TOO happy considering we convinced her to buy most of the Wiess Garage Sale. I mean, don’t get me wrong; I love Rachel Liontas. If there was some kind of bracket system to determine The Best Freshman, she would totally be in my Final Four (now that I think about it, why DON’T we pit the freshmen against each other in a dramatic, death-defying battle for the seniors’ love? Or is that the Freshmen One Acts?). At the wildly successful Wiess Garage Sale, Rachel made off with the following from THE 434′s stash of amazingness: a coconut cup, kickball, Mystery Date Game, pirate hat, Rubix Cube, shiny pink 80s dress, hot pink toga, cowboy hat, Christmas lights, and red star sunglasses. This list is a little too calculated to be just random, impulse buying. Clearly she is amassing all of our definitive possessions in a wild bid to become THE 434 after we have gone. DO NOT BE FOOLED. Just because it is pink and sparkly does NOT mean that it is necessarily Bova!

2. THE 434′s List Completion

Harmless shenanigans... OR PLOT TO DESTROY WIESS???

I know it’s kind of hypocritical to say that, as an integral part of THE 434 and its List of Things to Do Before Graduating, I am something that spells our doom, but, let’s face it, we’ve already done all the easy ones like #1 Meet Beyonce, and now we have only fifteen days to complete the other 37. Also, since I finished my last paper yesterday I have lots of free time to devote to #22 Cause “all kinds of drama” or #13 Kill Jeremy Caves. It used to be “Kidnap Jeremy Caves” until we learned that other people already had this idea on three separate occasions. THE 434 prides itself on originality. Incidentally, if you have some free time and want to help out with #33 Hold Auditions for Next BFF, #53 Start a Pyramid Scheme at Wiess, or #69 Hold Auditions and Perform Exorcism (see above), you can find me (clearly) in THE 434, always willing to wreak havoc or cover you in green slime. Always.

3. Starvation/Tetra Point Wars

A Harmless Agreement Between Friends... OR MEDIEVAL SERFDOM???

I still remain unconvinced that the Servery will remain open after exams are over for the few of us seniors who remain.  Therefore, most of us will starve to death, except for those few who have not already rashly spent all of our Tetra Points on smoothies and coffee. The few who have saved for this very moment will lord it over those of us who have not, forcing us to wait on them like medieval chattels in exchange for day old 13th Street sushi or sketchy pub pizza. Maybe eventually we will rise up against the wealthy minority and redistribute the Tetra points equally among all, living the last few days till graduation in a Utopian collective. Or massively corrupt communist dictatorship. Whatevs.

4. Brian Reinhart

Harmless Feta Lover... OR SHAMELESS EXTORTIONIST???

So Brian’s been giving me a lot (well, two) shout outs in the Thresher calendar page lately, which I don’t have a link to because they don’t post it on their website (suspiciously). The first time it was just a nice little paragraph about how my blog is awesome (with a thinly veiled threat about what will happen to me if I stop updating). But last week featured an entirely fictitious quote in which I counseled zombie preparedness over Velociraptor attack preparedness. That’s actually an issue I feel strongly about, but that’s not the point. Brian seems to think (along with Julia and Arin who used me to pimp their Hedgejumping Plan on the list serv for some reason) that just dropping my name will add credibility to his controversial calendar writing. Clearly he is trying to ride my coat tails to success. “But, Patricia,” he will say when this blog (or the one acts?) finally start pulling its weight and I’m living in a mansion with a lazy river and a private amusement park, “remember when I gave you a shout out in the calendar that one time? You clearly owe all of your success to me! GIVE ME YOUR PET UNICORN!” Yeah, I plan to be so rich that I will be able to buy mythical animals. Why do you think I’m charging THREE pies for the one act this year?

5. Parents On the Internet

Just Trying To Keep In Touch... OR RUINING THE INTERNET???

I hope you don’t need me to tell you why this is bad news bears.