The Lost Conspiracy by Frances Hardinge

Which I decided to read since I liked Fly By Night so much. As always, Hardinge’s world-building is superb, this time bringing us to the island of Gullstruck, covered in jungles and slave to the whims of its many volcanoes. From many of the native tribes on the island come the peculiar Lost, a group of people whose senses are not tied to their bodies and who can therefore send their sight or hearing drifting miles away from them at will. Hathin thinks she occupies one of the lowliest places in this world in her starving village, one of the hated and feared Lace Tribe. It’s her job to make sure no one ever finds out that her sister, Arilou, famed as the only Lost among the Lace, is not really Lost at all, but “wander-witted”. Or is she? This point becomes especially murky when all of the other Lost mysteriously die at the same time one night, and everyone blames the Lace and Arilou in particular. Hathin and Arilou flee their village to trek all over Gullstruck fleeing their enemies (an evil traveling dentist; racial prejudice) and amassing allies (a group of revenge-seekers; an elephant bird; a governor who’s a little too obsessed with sacrificing ridiculous things to his ancestors, like soap; volcanoes). I don’t think I identified with the characters as much as in Fly By Night but the sense of place was well worth the read.

You should read this book if:
1) You sometimes feel totally invisible in favor of a sibling
2) You like your messages about racial prejudice in an exciting format
3) Sentient volcanoes!

Next up:

Skulduggery Pleasant by Derek Landy

You should read this book if:
1) Terry Pratchett’s books about Death are your favorite
2) You are all about unattributed dialogue
3) You have always dreamed of choosing your own name

OH RIGHT. That’s the other thing. So in this world, you have three names. The name you were born with, which you probably don’t know but would recognize on some unconscious level, the name you were given, what your parents named you, and the name you chose. A fake name you made up that protects your other two names from being used in spells against you. The name is also supposed to be some kind of reflection of who you are deep inside or something. Hence Skulduggery Pleasant, Nefarian Serpine, China Sorrows, Mr. Bliss, Ghastly Bespoke etc. Guess which one is the bad guy. And when dear Stephanie finally gets around to choosing one for herself: Valkyrie Cain. I bet there are real people out there named Valkyrie, but I also would be unable to take them seriously. Unless they were also a Warrior Mage Princess Sparklpire Unicorn-Riding French-Speaker. Who was a mermaid.

However, on the plus side, I cannot stop thinking about ridiculous things I should name myself. You know, if Pladd is out.

On the one hand, I think the idea of publishing random letters children write to anyone is awesome, double points for fictional characters, but I also think Bill Adler handled it sort of weirdly. My main gripe is that interspersed throughout the letters in the book were random black and white drawings of Random Fantasy Creatures 24-37 from Lisa Frank‘s An October of Orcs collection. Since they didn’t even remotely resemble Harry Potter characters/creatures, I began to suspect that someone deep in the production process of this book was only vaguely aware of what Harry Potter is actually about.

In all, there were about three kinds of letters in this book. Here are some examples I made up just now:

Letter Type 1: The Compulsive Questioner
Dear Harry,
How are you? How are Ron and Hermione? Tell them Hi from me. How is Professor Dumbledore? How is Hagrid? Are the Dursleys still being mean to you? Is Snape still taking points away from Gryffindor? Have you taught Neville to remember the common room passwords yet? Have you heard from Sirius? How are Fred and George? How did you feel when [insert plot of an entire Harry Potter book of your choice]? Please write back soon with the answers to my questions!
Sincerely,
Inquisitive Child

PS: Sorry I couldn’t send this by owl. My owl’s broken.

Letter Type 2: The Stalker
Dear Harry,
How has your summer been? I hope the Dursleys aren’t locking you in your room again and that you can spend time with Ron and his family. You don’t even know who I am!!! My name is Megan and I’m a muggle from America. You are probably wondering how I even know you! Don’t worry about it.
Were you scared when Professor Trelawney predicted your death? Why don’t you just quit like Hermione? I like Hermione best because she is smart and amazing, just like me. You are my second favorite, though. Are four poster beds comfortable? Does Neville snore? How annoying does that get? You are probably wondering how I know all this about you, but don’t worry, I don’t spy on you at school or anything.
Saving your toenail clippings,
Stalker Child

PS: Sorry I couldn’t send this by owl. I’ll just leave it on your pillow.

Letter Type 3: The Fanfiction Sorceress
Dear Harry,
How are you? I’m fine. My muggle name is Anne, but I am really a very powerful sorceress named Zenella Araminta Arabellanna. I have long silver hair and sparkling blue eyes. I always wear beautiful blue dresses and silver shoes to match my hair and my eyes change color when I have different emotions, or just to match my clothes. I go to school at a wizard academy you probably haven’t heard of. It flies around in the air, and we all ride dragons to class. I am Head Girl and also Captain of my Quidditch Team where I am a seeker just like you. I am part mermaid and also part veela! Do you have any pets? I have a pet unicorn and a pet phoenix. Their names are Midnight Shadows and Sky Dancer. Maybe I will be an exchange student to Hogwarts soon and I will meet you. We will have to play Quidditch against each other!! I will probably beat you, but then we can go on a date.
Perfectly Yours,
Mary Sue

PS: Sorry I couldn’t send this by owl. My owl died. I think Sky Dancer and Midnight Shadows ate it for being too normal.

In place of adventures, here is what I do with my time, ordered roughly in how much time I spend on it:

1. Complaining about grad school’s total inadequacy
2. Working at the public library
3. Working on my summer course in management
4. Reading
5. Cooking

Complaining gets top billing because I can pretty much do it while simultaneously doing any of those other things, plus while doing almost anything else (I’m a Tenth Level Whiny Complainer). Working at the public library is awesome, but has the aforementioned Lack of Crazy problems. My summer course’s goal seems to be to mention libraries as little as possible and to have as little to do with my actual life and job goals as it can, thus providing excellent fodder for #1, but not much help in the Cool Things To Blog About arena. That leaves reading (I work at a library) and cooking, two things which I usually don’t blog about because I see them as not of interest to my legions of fans, with a few exceptions. This is going to change.

I had a feeling this one would be different because I was at the library the morning after it came out, when the five teen girl movie volunteers staggered in around noon after staying up all night waiting at the book store. “Well?” I asked them. “How is it?” Since they’d been talking about nothing else for the past two months it wasn’t hard for them to know what I was talking about. I was shocked when they all shouted “HORRIBLE!” at once and one of them added “It’s like Stephanie Meyer didn’t even write it.” After valiantly reading the other three books so that you don’t have to, I started wondering about this condemnation. Could it be that Stephanie Meyer, in the fourth book of her wildly popular and horribly written teen girl series, has FINALLY learned how to write, letting down her vapid fans everywhere?

The answer, I’m sad to tell you, is NO. For the love of all that is at least properly punctuated, NO. So, proceed IF YOU DARE.

Breaking Dawn

First 100 Pages: OMG WEDDING SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!

Carlisle, Vampire Doctor: Oh, and let me tell you this story about something called “Immortal Children”. They’re kids that got turned into vampires. Way cute, but TOTALLY DEADLY! They’re a big no-no. Luckily they’ve all been dead for centuries.

Bella: So why are you telling me now?

Carlisle: So you can have a foreshadowing dream every fifty pages.

Edward: I know I told you we would try to get it on, within the bounds of Holy Matrimony, before I make you a vampire, but I don’t want to hurt you.

Bella: Don’t even worry about it! I’m fine. Oh, except for this black and blue mark.

Edward: OH MY GOD FIFTY PAGES OF ANGST AND GUILT. Bella, we are NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN. Ever. Clearly, it’s wrong.

Bella: Now you won’t sex me up INSIDE of marriage? You are like the lamest vampire ever.

Bella’s Uterus: Hey gang! So got a baby in me right now! You can tell by the way you’re throwing up in the morning and I’m noticeably protruding and you can’t stop eating eggs!

Bella: WHAT? I’ve had sex like… once! Yesterday!

Bella’s Uterus: Them’s the breaks, kid. Should have listened to your extremely effeminate vampire husband. Sex ALWAYS leads to instantaneous pregnancy.

Edward: Oh my God that thing inside you is growing way too fast!

Bella: It’s cool.

Edward: Also, it’s sapping all your energy.

Bella: Whatever, I got this.

Edward: And breaking your ribs. And killing you.

Bella: YOU CAN’T HAVE MY BABY.

Jacob: Hey guys. I’m still totes in love with Bella, so I came to watch her slowly die from your evil vamfetus so I can angst about it later.

Edward: Jacob! Only YOU can save Bella! Clearly she wants babies and clearly I can’t give them to her.

Jacob: So… you’re looking for some kind of werewolf-baby-making threesome?

Bella: NO WAY. I guarantee you those babies would NOT be as amazing as my vambaby!

Jacob: Whatever. I’m so used to you constantly rejecting me that I don’t even hear it anymore.

Bella’s Fetus: Heya, guys. I’ve been in here for like two weeks and I’m bored. Time to bust out of this Popsicle stand!

Edward: It’s a girl!

Bella: I’ve combined our mother’s names! Renee and Esme. We shall call her… RENESMEE! (dies)

Edward: I AM NOT BECOMING A SINGLE DAD TO SOME SPARKLY FREAK BABY! (turns her into a vampire)

Renesme: Hey team. Because having a normal, boring baby around would be such a drag, I’m like a magical-human-vampire-elf-fairy-princess baby who can show you what I’m thinking by touching you and learns to talk in three days and walk in a week and looks like I’m five when I’m really like a month old! Also, I’m super gorgeous and strong and fast and PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.

Jacob: I just had a Native American Werewolf Psychic Moment! When you grow up–probably in like a year–YOU will be my ONE TRUE LOVE! All my problems are solved! No loose ends here!

Bella: Woo!!! Being a vampire is amazing! I’m sparkly and fast and pretty!!! I will talk about how awesome it is and how awesome my magical human vampire fairy elf princess baby is for the next three hundred and fifty pages!

Carlisle: Don’t forget to have creepy premonitions about immortal children!

Some angry vampire chick, possibly from the second book: OMG that beautiful, fast, sparkly child could only be AN IMMORTAL CHILD!!! WTF, guys, that’s totes against the rules! I’m telling!

Alice, Psychic Vampire: OH NOES! The Italian Vampire Royalty are coming to kill us all!

Carlisle: So on page 600 of this 754 page novel, the antagonists have finally showed up?

Alice: Kind of. It’ll take them another hundred to get here.

Carlisle: We should prepare by gathering our vampire friends, so that they too can ramble on about how beautiful and amazing our magical human vampire elf fairy princess baby is. Oh, also so maybe they can tell the Italian Vampire Royalty that we didn’t create an immortal child.

Other Vampires: We’re so there!

Romanian Vampires: You didn’t invite us, but we came anyway because we hate the Italian Vampire Royalty and think they’re looking for a fight. They are always pushing everyone around! Are you going to stand for that? Come on, guys, there’s like fifty of you. We could take them.

Carlisle: We’ll see. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. And, because you know Stephanie Meyer, you know it won’t, since an all-out vampire brawl would be WAY TOO EXCITING for this book.

Vampire Royalty: We’re finally here to kill you.

Renesmee: I’m totes not an immortal child.

Other Vampires: No, really.

Vampire Royalty: Oops. Our bad. See yous guys. Oh, and I guess we’ll kill Angry Vampire Chick for lying to us. You know, to keep our vampire cred.

Edward: They only ran because they were scared of you, Bella.

Bella: Me?

Edward: Yeah, whatever. Maybe someday they’ll… come back… or something.

Bella: Great, way to set up for a possible sequel starring our magical fairy princess rainbow my little pony sailor moon elf barbie daughter.

Edward: It’s all about the royalties!

The End

So, besides having no plot, which, judging from the reception of the other books, teen girls have no problem with, Stephanie Meyer made the obvious mistake of having her heroine be 1. married and 2. a mom. No teen girl wants to fantasize about being married with children, even if they are super vampire magical elf children. This book, and pretty much the whole series, is like Dracula brought to you by the people who did the American cut of Sailor Moon, if they’d all suddenly converted to Mormonism. Pretty much all sparkly costume changes, and no one is sexualized or does anything evil, even though they’re all wearing mini skirts or, you know, VAMPIRES.

You guys owe me. That was painful.

Here are the deets of the past few days. Sorry I don’t have pictures yet:

Trixie and I had a pretty uneventful drive up here (apart from my exciting appearance on the fabled NASCAR News). For some reason, she kept insisting that I only listen to Britney Spears, which I think was some form of psychological warfare. Unfortunately for her, the book tape I brought, I’d Tell You I Love You, But then I’d Have to Kill You was more than enough retaliation. The reader seemed to be under the impression that teen girls all sound like My Little Pony: The Animated Series characters, with a variety of bad accents. Seriously, just like this:

Seriously, right down to the oddly Southern pony who is obsessed with sun hats. I only got halfway through the story, but it’s pretty much exactly what you would expect from a book whose premise is “teen girls who are also spies!” They use their spy powers to snoop around boys’ houses, mostly.

Due to my own laziness, Trixie won Roadtrip: The Lightning Round. As she claimed her medal (pictures later), she graciously said that it was only fair, since she was the only one literally pulling her own weight this summer. I was forced to concede. Anyway, at least I got second, arriving a mere six hours before Steven Wiggins.

Top Three Best Things About Our New Apartment
1. Stairs
2. Giant kitchen
3. LIGHTNING BUGS

Hopefully the shipping company/scam artists that Steven hired to take his/my Houston stuff here will arrive on Monday. Personally, I fear that I will never see my fashionable red microwave again.

1. Wait six months on the waiting list at the library, enjoy the indignity when it finally comes in and the librarian has to pull Twilight from behind the desk and check it out for you, know that she is SO JUDGING YOU right now
2. Ask a teen girl about it, listen to two hours of “OH MY GOD EDWARD SO HOT!”, commit suicide
3. Actually pay money for it, hate yourself forever
4. Listen to my review, since I have successfully completed #1 on this list with my librarian-fu for the first three books. It is as follows:

Twilight
I was still 167 on the waiting list at the Humble Community Library after four months, when my secret santa gave me this for Christmas, along with The Ruins, apparently because it’s too awkward for a college guy to buy Twilight on his own. Totally understandable. If there’s one thing I’ve learned at the library, it’s that even if they seem disinterested, WE ARE JUDGING YOU BY WHAT YOU READ.
Here’s a brief summary of the “action”:

Back of the Book: I knew three things. 1. Edward was a vampire. 2. Part of him would always hunger for my blood. 3. I was irrevocably in love with him.

Bella throughout most of the Book: Edward is so beautiful! And strong! And fast! And only comes out on overcast days! I wonder why he’s so… mysterious? This foreshadowing might even be interesting if I wasn’t undermined by my own cover art!

Edward: Stay away from me, Bella! I’m dangerous! [pause] J/k! I love you and will NEVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE EVER!

Bella: How could you love me when I’m so ugly and klutzy and boring?

Edward: That would be easier to believe if every other male character weren’t constantly trying to get in your pants.

Edward’s Family: We are “vegetarian” vampires and only eat animals, not humans!

Evil Nomad Vampires: We aren’t! Also, we’re going to eat Bella.

Edward: NOOOOO! The only plan that makes sense is for you to escape with my vampire sister to Arizona where your mother lives!

Bella: That’s what they’ll expect me to do!

Edward: Which is why it’s THE LAST THING THEY’D EXPECT us to ACTUALLY do! It’s too obvious!

Evil Vampire on Phone: I know you’re here in Phoenix, Bella. And if you come alone to your old dance studio, I may even let your mother go!

Bella: (after cleverly escaping her vampire protectors by pointing and saying “Hey, what’s that over there?” and running the other way) Hey! You don’t have my mother held captive! She’s in Florida!

Evil Vampire: Ha ha ha! You’ve fallen for my clever plan! Now I will kill you, because your blood smells like crack!

Bella: NOOOOOOOOO!

Evil Vampire: (bites her arm)

Edward: NOOOOOOOO! (kills Evil Vampire)

Carlisle, Edward’s Dad: She’ll become a vampire soon! Quick, we have to suck the poison out!

Edward: But her blood tastes like crack! What if I can’t stop and kill her?

Carlisle: Whatevs.

Bella: (wakes up in hospital) I’m alive! Oh, uh… don’t worry, Mom and Dad! I just fell down the stairs.

Mom and Dad: We believe you! After all, it’s already been established that you’re SO KLUTZY!

Edward: Let’s go to prom and not worry about the Evil Vampire’s two friends who I’m sure will never bother us again!
The End

So that’s basically it, just imagine more sexual tension, since, because Bella’s blood smells like crack, THEY CAN BARELY TOUCH without Edward wigging out and trying to eat her. You know, the usual highschool angst.

New Moon

Bella: Whoops, paper cut.

Jasper, Edward’s brother: Hey, let me help you with that BY EATING YOU!

Edward: (delivers a smack down) Bella… that was too close. I will only put you in danger. My family and I are leaving this rain-drenched, Pacific Northwest small town forever!

Bella: NOOOOOOOOO! (runs into the woods, curls up into a ball)

Sam, Native American Super Man: Hey, chief. Found your daughter trying to die of hypothermia in the woods! Here you go!

Bella’s Dad, Police Chief: OMG YOU STAY AWAY FROM MYSTERIOUS PALE STRANGERS! You are only allowed to hang out with mysterious Native Americans from now on!

Bella: Okay, after I’m done with my three months of emo zombie grief.

Billy: Hey, Bella. As your father’s close, Native American friend, I thought maybe you’d want to hang with my Native American son, Jacob.

Jacob: Like every male, I am also totally trying to get in your pants. Also, I can build motorcycles!

Bella: Cool, because I pretty much want to die. Only when I’m doing something reckless and death-defying can I hear sweet Edward’s voice, cautioning me to stop…

Patricia: So… this is some kind of mystical vampire connection?

Bella: Nope. Just crazy.

Jacob: PS, I’m a werewolf. And so are a lot of guys in my tribe. Vampires are our natural enemy.

Bella: Whatevs.

Evil Vampire Lady from the First Book: Edward killed my mate, so I will kill his!

Jacob: Werewolf squad, help me protect Bella!

Bella: While they’re in the forest trying to track down my potential murderer, I’m going to go cliff diving alone, just for giggles.

Alice, Edward’s psychic sister: OMGWTF EDWARD BELLA JUST JUMPED OFF A CLIFF

Edward: And so I too must die. But since I’m a vampire and we are hardy like William Marsh Rice, I must journey to Italy and piss off the uber-vampires there.

Bella: (totally survives)

Alice: OMGWTF Now we have to go to Italy and save Edward!

Bella and Alice: (go to Italy and save Edward)

Uber-Vampires: Hm. A mortal girl that knows too much about us. It’s cool, we’ll just kill her.

Edward: NO!

Uber-Vampires: Okay, then make her a vampire too.

Edward: NO!

Bella: Um, why not?

Edward: Because IT WOULD DESTROY YOUR SOUL!

Bella: Really?

Edward: No clue. The answer is still no.

Carlisle, Edward’s Dad: Don’t worry, kid. I got your back. I’ll totally make you a vampire after you graduate from highschool.

Bella: Sweet!

Jacob: The vampire is back? I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN, BELLA. So much sexual tension, wasted!

Alice: Hey, what about Evil Vampire Lady? Are we not… are we not worried about her anymore?

Edward: I’m sure she’s given up and will never bother us again!
The End

Eclipse

Edward: You are not allowed to see your werewolf friend, Jacob. Too dangerous!

Bella: (sneaks out all the time to see werewolf friend, Jacob)

Edward: GAH! I’m locking you in my room whenever I have to leave your side!

Jacob: I’m still in love with you. I WILL WIN YOU FROM THAT BLOODSUCKER.

Bella: Whatever. I’ll be a vampire soon, then no one’s going to tell me what to do!

Edward: Why wait till graduation? I’ll turn you into a vampire whenever you want-

Bella: Yay!

Edward: –if you marry me!!!

Bella: NEVER! Marriage is an outdated socialized misogyny! Also, my mom got married right out of highschool and look what happened! NEVER!

Bella’s Dad, Police Chief: There’s a serial killer loose in Seattle! Also, I want to have an awkward convo about safe sex, despite the fact that you are a virgin since your boyfriend can’t get near you without trying to kill you. Epic lulz!

Alice, Edward’s Psychic Sister: Actually, that’s no serial killer. That’s an army of newborn vampires!! They’re erratic and super strong and led by someone who’s COMING DOWN HERE TO KILL BELLA!

Bella: OMGOD could it be Evil Vampire Lady from Books 1 and 2?

Edward: (shrugs) Probably not. Okay, we’re vastly outnumbered–

Jacob: My werewolf crew will help you! Even though you are still our natural enemies and are about to kill the woman I love to make her a vampire!

Edward: Cool. Let’s make a convoluted plan involving confusing them with Bella’s scent, a camping trip, and an ambush in the woods! But first–

Bella: Edward! There are some human things I want to do before I become inhuman.

Edward: You got it, babe.

Bella: No, I mean some really human things.

Edward: Like getting college loans?

Bella: (starts undressing him)

Edward: BAD TOUCH! (manacles her to bed) Bella, I can’t let you do this. Vampire schools only teach abstinence-only and I DON’T WANT YOU TO GO TO HELL.

Bella: But what if after I become a vampire, I’m only interested in killing the entire town and not getting it on? (Note: This is almost exactly what she really says in the book, except “getting it on” is the more euphemistic “caring about you”)

Edward: I’m trying to save your soul, you whore! We can do this before you become a vampire if you want, IF we get married first.

Bella: You’re chaining me to a bed to avoid sexy time and press your marriage suit? Oh, home schooled kids!

Edward: I’ve got this big diamond.

Bella: Okay, fine.

Bella: (during scent-confusing camping trip) SSSSSOOOOO COOOOLDDDD!

Edward: I can’t help, since I am a vampire and am naturally “cold and hard as stone”.

Jacob: Do not even worry! I am a werewolf and we are always H-O-T-T hot!! Also, my body temperature’s pretty high. I’ll just crawl into this sleeping bag with your frostbitten fiance.

Edward: DISLIKE.

Jacob: OMG! The fight is starting in that clearing over there! Gotta go! And… since you don’t love me, Bella, I’ll probably just get myself killed.

Bella: Wait! Don’t do that! Kiss me!

Jacob: Yes! Reverse psychology always works!

Bella: Oh no! Filled with regret!

Edward: It’s my fault for loving you too much… or something…

Evil Vampire Lady: Wah ha ha! I left my army of newborn vampires to distract your family so I could come for you and your crack-blood girlfriend!!!

Edward: WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED?

Evil Vampire Lady and Edward: (fight)

Bella: I may be only a mortal, but I must do something! (cuts self with a big rock)

Evil Vampire Lady: Why is your chick wigging out?

Edward: DIEEEEEE! (kills Evil Vampire Lady)

Jacob: Little help, guys! I’m like… cut in half over here!

Carlisle, Vampire Doctor: You’ll be fine. Take some advil.

Bella: JACOB!!! NOOOOOO!!!! I have to tell you… before you collapse from mild pain… I love you!

Jacob: Sweet!! I am the best kisser!

Bella: Just… not enough.

Jacob: Crap.

Bella: In the natural world, you would be my soul mate. But Edward and our love are entirely… unnatural.

Jacob: Way to hit a guy when he’s down.

Edward: (sends him wedding invitation to twist the knife)
The End

Unfortunately, I am still on the waiting list for the fourth and last book, but I literally CANNOT wait. Stephanie Meyer–who claims the plot of Twilight came to her in a dream, ps–is clearly trying to write the worst book I, personally, have ever read, and is succeeding beyond her wildest imaginings! S&M AND Christian fundamentals! Love it! My next review will probably be comparing the badness of Breaking Dawn, the last book, to the badness of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. It’s going to be a close one.

Ed. 08/06/09: The review of the fourth book is here, although I must warn you, it’s beyond horrible. The book, not the review.