Posts Tagged ‘Book Reviews’

Banned Books: I Am Jazz

iamjazz

Title: I Am Jazz
Author: Jessica Herthel and Jazz Jennings
Challenged in: Mount Horeb Primary Center, Wisconsin
Because: Inaccurate, sex education, homosexuality, religious viewpoints, unsuited to age group

This is a picture book about Jazz Jennings and her life–how she likes dressing up as a princess or a mermaid, how she has two best friends, how she has always felt that she is a girl even though the people around her didn’t always agree. It explains what being transgender is in a way kids can understand, and shows that Jazz is pretty much like any other girl you would meet, except that sometimes people are mean to her for who she is. The book doesn’t dwell on this, though, and the illustrations are very cute. It’s the perfect book to read to a class, for instance, when one of their classmates is transgender to forestall any bullying that may occur. Which is exactly what was going to happen in Wisconsin until a hate group and some parents complained. It’s a pretty innocuous book, unless you don’t believe that transgenderism is a thing, and then I guess it’s a sadistic attack on everything you hold dear or something. You can tell that from the vague accusations against it.

Inaccurate: Hard to be inaccurate when it’s just one person’s experience. Unless you’re taking issue with the fact that she is a girl.
Sex education: Of course these are the same kinds of people that see sex education as a bad thing. The closest this book comes to it though is the sentence “I have a girl brain in a boy body.”
Homosexuality: This is a children’s picture book, so no sexual preferences are referred to at all.
Religious viewpoints: Religion is never discussed at all.
Unsuited to age group: This is only the case if you think elementary school is too young to know that transgender people exist, a hard argument to pull when one of their classmates is transgender.

Kids seem to freak out about this stuff way less than their parents, and it’s really sad that all of these adults are setting out to bully a child.

Previously: Looking for Alaska
Next: Two Boys Kissing

2016 Goals: Home Stretch!

I’m a little late checking in with my yearly goal progress, since we’re already well into October. I was trying to give myself a little room to catch up on some things, but I’m finally calling it.

1. Cook Every Recipe in Sally’s Baking Addiction: 89%
I have 8 more to go! Unfortunately I haven’t been taking as many pictures, but here’s one:

Chocolate swirl pound cake

Chocolate swirl pound cake

I was really proud that this pound cake turned out because I have a terrible history with quick breads and pound cakes where the middle will be a soupy mess and the sides will be burned. Probably my favorite of the recipes I made this time was Maple Pecan Granola. I was expecting it to just be kind of whatever, which is how I usually feel about granola, but when you home make it and eat it fresh this “kind of whatever” food turns to AWESOME! It’s so much more flavorful and delicious than kinds of bought before.

2. Finish All my 2014 Goals: 95%
The biggest development here is that I finished Brewer’s!!!
2a) Read T-Z in Brewer’s: 100%
For some reason it took me forevs to power through those last 30 pages, so I live-tweeted it a little bit.
livetweets
2b) Make 7 Pies: 100%
Yep, still 100%
2c) Make a new fancy drink every month: 75%
This is the only one I’ve got left, but I think I’ll be fine. Last month I made a punch for my book club from my international cookbook. It’s called Gnamacoudji and is popular in West Africa. You make it by boiling pineapple skins with ginger and lemon grass. It was kind of weird but also kind of good? It received mixed reviews from my book club.
2d) Get everything then on my to-read list off it: 100%
I know I keep repeating the ones I’ve done every time I do these updates, but I like to inflate my own sense of accomplishment, okay?
2e) Update my blog 7 times: 100%
Ditto
3. Finish all my Craftsy classes: 80%
I tackled the Sewing Vintage class. I learned a lot, but apparently not enough, because the bodice part of the dress I constructed ended up being horribly deformed due to my attempts at adjusting the pattern for boobs. So instead I ended up with a nice skirt:
20160912_180928

4. Complete a temperature scarf: 79%
I was behind on this for a while, until one day I binge watched all the Harry Potter Musicals and knit like two months worth. Now that the temperature isn’t the same hot nonsense every day it should be more interesting to knit.

That big orange swath is the summer that wouldn't end

That big orange swath is the summer that wouldn’t end

5. Read at least one book a month someone else recommended: 83%
I had a lot of Shakespeare in my recommended books this time! In July I read:

Shakespeare: The World as Stage by Bill Bryson

Shakespeare: The World as Stage by Bill Bryson

This was recommended to me by someone on facebook, and I really liked it! A short book about basically everything we know for certain about Shakespeare and then all the different theories people have proposed over time. It’s really interesting to me how little we do know about him–even what everyone “knows” about what he looked like may or may not be right.

In August I read:

The Immortal Irishman by Timothy Egan

The Immortal Irishman: The Irish Revolutionary who Became an American Hero by Timothy Egan


Timothy Egan is a really engaging writer–he’s won both a Pulitzer and a National Book Award–so it’s no surprise that this book has a very compelling sense of story despite being non-fiction. It’s about Thomas Francis Meagher who was transported for life to Tasmania for his part in a failed Irish uprising during the potato famine. He eventually escaped to America where he fought in the civil war and became territorial governor of Montana. He was a supremely interesting person who never stopped fighting for what he believed in despite truly insurmountable odds. This book was recommended to me by a coworker at the library and I really enjoyed it!

In September I read:

Juliet by Anne Fortier

Juliet by Anne Fortier

This book is two stories interwoven: the “historical Juliet” and her modern-day descendant trying to uncover the truth about her and escape some bad guys who want to steal her ~buried treasure~. The historical Juliet story was a pretty interesting take on life in Italy in what would have been a plausible setting for the Shakespeare play. The modern Juliet was an idiot bumbling around various historical buildings and falling for a random hot guy who of course turned out to be ~Romeo’s descendant~ blah.

As always, time to check in with Steven about his goals for the year:

1. Cook one vegetarian meal every week
“Yeah that’s fucking lost”
2. Learn a new violin piece every month
“Also lost. Although I suppose some of the stuff for orchestra kind of counts? It’s still not really”
3. Finish all craftsy classes
(laughter)
4. Make at least once case or bag out of leather
“The plan is there I haven’t done it yet. I need to get on that. I’m thinking a knife roll. It’s an extremely simple case but a great piece of practice work.”

Previously: Halfway

Hate Book Club: Interview with the Vampire

Sketch722285-1

Brian and I read this book for Hate Book Club and then kind of forgot about it. For all the hype I’ve heard about it over the years, it’s a surprisingly forgettable book. Read his review here!

And it has this shitty cover

And it has this shitty cover

As always, I’ll begin by thinking of 3 compliments for the book.

1. It was published in 1976, but didn’t feel particularly dated.
2. It failed to scare me even a little bit at all so I had no nightmares while reading. Which I guess means it failed at being horror, but I think we all know this book is gothic romance.
3. This amazing description of a vampire:

The smooth white substance of his face moved with the infinitely flexible but minimal lines of a cartoon.(4)

I therefore pictured this whole book as a live-action/animation hybrid a la Who Framed Roger Rabbit?.

Here is a plot breakdown:

Lestat gets in a fight with his vampire boyfriend Louis and they end up turning a 5-year-old girl into a vampire despite the fact that we all know how Vampire Child Drama ends:

BADLY

BADLY

Louis and Child-Vamp Claudia kill Lestat and it’s weird. Then they go on a Vampire Journey of Self-Discovery through Europe, eventually ending up in Paris where they meet a group of older vampires led by Armand. Louis and Armand are in love, but SURPRISE Lestat isn’t dead and leads the other vampires to kill Claudia because she’s an abomination and also HOW COULD YOU LOVE YOUR CHILD BRIDE MORE THAN ME, LOUIS??? Louis escapes, The End.

The movie HAS to be better

The movie HAS to be better

Claudia was definitely the weirdest part of this book. Turned into a vampire as a five-year-old plague victim, she keeps the body of a child, but supposedly her mind matures into a woman in a child’s body. Louis is clearly in love with her, and everyone is creeped out by it forever. Especially me.

I was interested to see how popular this pairing was with fans, since a good portion of the book was Louis angsting on and on about how THEIR LOVE COULD NEVER BE BUT I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT HER. So I took a sample of around 80 Interview with the Vampire fanfics and recorded the pairing(s):

ffpairings

More than half of the works in fan literature feature the Louis/Lestat pairing, probably helped along by the fact that these Whiny McAssholes were played by Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt in the 1994 movie. Louis/Armand was the second most popular pairing, but it had only about a quarter of the fics Louis/Lestat had. Louis/Claudia was third most popular, featured in 11% of fics, some of which I noticed made disclaimers like “In my version Claudia is magically an adult.” Okay, if that helps you sleep at night. Lestat remains the most popular character for whatever reason (???people are big fans of fiery vengeance???) so the fourth most popular pairing was Lestat/Original Character (read: Author Insert). Three percent of fics featured Lestat/Claudia, and I found one fic each that featuered Lestat/Armand, Armand/Original Character, Lestat/Edward Cullen, and Lestat/Thomas Jefferson.

Let me repeat, the “TJ” in that graph stands for third president of the United States, Thomas Jefferson. I hope that fact made your day like it made mine.

In conclusion, this book was pretty atmospheric, kind of gory, and not at all scary. So to sum up in gif form:

blood

Don’t forget to read Brian’s review!
Previously: Hate Book Club: The Art of the Deal

Princess Celestia and the Summer of Royal Waves

notebook paper

My Little Pony book report time again!!! This time we’re reading:

Princess Celestia and the Summer of Royal Waves

Princess Celestia and the Summer of Royal Waves

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
Princess Celestia is very busy ruling all of Equestria, running a magical school for unicorns, and raising the sun every day with her own magic. But when she receives a letter from her old friend Duchess Diamond Waves, she has to travel to the seaside duchy near Southern Prance called Monacolt to help. Duchess D thinks some scary monster attack is coming soon and only the magic of the young unicorns in her academy can save the kingdom! But her students are all failing her standardized tests so she’s hoping Princess C can help. Princess C is like “FIRST OF ALL, your magical hourglass that’s warning you about monsters seems hella sketchy. SECOND, your students are totes overworked and need some chillaxing time on the beach.” After a few of Princess Celestia’s building sand castle lessons, the students actually start performing magic well! But Duchess D is not convinced that mental health and scholastic aptitude are linked, probably because she’s already sunk so much of Monacolt’s resources into this standarized testing scheme. So Princess C stages a fake monster attack with a giant crab the size of a building in the middle of a beach party to show Duchess D what her students are really made of. Plus, that hour glass ends up being totally fake. The end.

So regal. So wise.

So regal. So wise.

Analysis within MLP Canon and Fanon
By Steven
Unlike the Pinkie Pie book, this one actually stepped outside of the familiar by basically taking a single underdeveloped canon character (Celestia) and tossing her wholesale into a new place populated by new characters, with new backstories, referencing other largely non-show-based canons. So basically there’s little point of comparison—ironic, given that I have a good deal more questions (and gripes) about this one than the last—since the show has yet to ever go into detail on other equine polities (or, really, any extra-Equestrian nations apart from Griffonstone and, to a lesser extent, Yak-yakistan).

Yak-yakistan gates

Tribal council? Rampage-ocracy? Viking warlord? Who knows.

All of which brings up the first question that this raises within the realm of canonicity, which is: what is the relationship between Equestria and Monacolt? Allied neighbors? Client state? Autonomous region? Feudal fiefdom? Actually, politics in Equestria have always been a little bit hazy, thanks to the show’s reliance on a direct diarchy of quasi-immortal alicorns with some sort of noble class hovering largely unseen off to one side.

(Side note: what does Prince Blueblood DO exactly?)

(Side note: what does Prince Blueblood DO exactly?)

So now we have a Duchess Diamond Waves, who is apparently a particular friend of Celestia’s from “when they were younger,” which raises all sorts of questions on its own, e.g. “Just how old is this Diamond Waves character?” Actually, there are a lot of references to things I’d like a little more detail about, like Prance, King Nautilus, and the apparently sentient Carcinus species. Then there’s the interesting notion of Celestia offering up a Latin prayer/thanks to the sun when raising it? Which seems more like some personal habit than any kind of necessary ritual (as we’ve seen her raise the sun multiple times without any accompanying invocations). As to the Latin itself, not even going to go there, but suffice to say it could use a verb somewhere. Still, nothing provably off there. Luna does seem oddly playful about her former role as Nightmare Moon, which the author supports by describing it as “after Luna had acted up and been banished to the moon” which plays well with her character in the comics canon more than the show canon, but that’s a toss-up as well.

Basically it’s hard to point any strong fingers at canon leakage and more a case where you end up shrugging and going, “Well, hopefully some of this shows up again somewhere in the show for confirmation.”

Patricia’s Favorites
Character: Twilight Sparkle, who is back home manning Canterlot magic school in Celestia’s absence. She is a total nerd who assigns hella summer reading because it was her favorite part of school, and “I treated some of them to a reading from Star Swirl’s Seven Principles of Unicorn Magic: Third Edition including some of the hoofnotes!”
Part: Duchess D wants her students to get serious, so anyone caught in the halls during class time is attacked by magical spiders. EDUCATION

I'm just trying to help you LEARN, Frodo

I’m just trying to help you LEARN, Frodo

Thing I Learned:Standardized testing is not the way to learn. The way to learn is to build sand castles and get fake-attacked by giant crabs.

Steven’s Favorites
Character: Discord, who appears only in a brief memory of a “prank” involving making himself invisible and following Celestia around for a week, repeating everything she says in a whisper. That’s comedy and/or horror gold right there!
Part: The frequent references to her shoes as “hoofcuffs,” the way she’s clearly changed her mind about Twilight’s friendship-spam mail, or the Monacolt-as-gambling-paradise reference. Can’t choose.
Thing I Learned: Basically, trolling and/or pranking is the way to run a country, and pulling one over on fellow monarchs is apparently a longstanding tradition.

Previously: Pinkie Pie and the Ponypalooza

2015: The Bad

I guess it’s a good sign that there were only 16 books I gave 1 star to in 2015, and some of those were for Hate Book Club and my Reading Things I Disagree With project. It’s hard to pick the WORST book, but I’m going to have to go with:

Don't Be That Girl by Travis Stork

Don’t Be That Girl by Travis Stork

Maybe because I can’t even get past the cover without being insulted. I read this in February as the book I disagree with. Travis Stork backs up his claims on why you should probably quit your job because men are intimidated by a woman with a career by repeating that he’s a doctor a lot. Ugggggggh.

The 40 Laws of the Alpha Male: How to Dominate Life, Attract Women, and Achieve Massive Success by Derren Nash

The 40 Laws of the Alpha Male: How to Dominate Life, Attract Women, and Achieve Massive Success by Derren Nash


This book I got for free on Amazon for my Books I’ll Disagree with Project. Maybe because I went into it with such low expectations, but it wasn’t AS bad as I thought. It talked a lot about how you need to be confident in your relationship with Jesus?? Which is not something I thought MRAs were into, but whatever.

The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump

The Art of the Deal by Donald Trump

Read the full review here. In summary, Donald Trump was way more boring than offensive in the 80s, at least by comparison.

I Am Having So Much Fun Here Without You by Courtney Maum

I Am Having So Much Fun Here Without You by Courtney Maum

This book is terrible. It got some good reviews, but the characters are all horrible, particularly the narrator, who whines a lot about how he just wants his wife and kid back while also pining for his mistress. I only kept reading in the hopes that he would die horribly. Alas.

Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore "by" Mike Sorrentino

Here’s the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks, Avoiding Grenades, and Getting in Your GTL on the Jersey Shore “by” Mike Sorrentino

Read the full review here. Another excellent Hate Book Club choice.

My Unfair Lady by Kathryne Kennedy

My Unfair Lady by Kathryne Kennedy

Okay, I had to give this book one star because of what it is, but it was actually pretty hilarious to read. Summer Wine Lee grew up as a half-Native American prospector’s daughter in The Wild West before her dad found silver and became totally nouveau riche. She hires the English Duke of Monchester to turn her into a proper lady so she can marry into old money, but of course he ends up falling in love with her instead. Basically, her fakey Old West accent changed my life.

Grey by ELJames

Grey by ELJames


I was coerced into reading this by tumblr. You can see a PAINSTAKINGLY DETAILED review compiled over several months there.

Love and Miss Communication by Elyssa Friedland

Love and Miss Communication by Elyssa Friedland

I tried to read this book because it looked like a modern epistolary novel, and you know I’m a sucker for epistolary novels. But I’m pretty sure the author wrote a novel about “detoxing from modern technology” without really understanding modern technology. I think the main character is supposed to read as “delightfully over-the-top” but instead I hate her.

The Island of Lost Maps by Miles Harvey

The Island of Lost Maps by Miles Harvey

I thought this was going to be one of those great non-fiction books that read like a novel, but instead it was one guy’s rambling.

How to Fight, Lie, and Cry Your Way to Popularity (and a Prom Date) by Nikki Roddy

How to Fight, Lie, and Cry Your Way to Popularity (and a Prom Date) by Nikki Roddy

This book looked like it was going to be a funny parody of teen movies, maybe with some analysis thrown in, but instead it was a bland summary of them

Gender Blender by Blake Nelson

Gender Blender by Blake Nelson

I read a lot of books about gender identity, but this… is not one of them. It’s about a middle school boy and girl who switch bodies Freaky Friday style. Hello, outdated gender stereotypes.

The Internet is a Playground by David Thorne

The Internet is a Playground by David Thorne


This book was free on Amazon. That is the extent of my memories about it.

The Frazzled Female by Cindi Wood

The Frazzled Female by Cindi Wood

I read this book in March as the Book I Disagree With. It’s basically an article from Ladies Home Journal stretched to 122 pages with an extra dose of Jesus.

The Divorce Papers by Susan Rieger

The Divorce Papers by Susan Rieger

Another epistolary novel that let me down. This book was WAY boring. You can tell this was written by someone with a lot of law experience, because she chooses to include WAY more information about contracts, court documents, and legalese than a normal author would. The story itself was pretty bland and uninteresting.

101 Things You Need to Know and Some You Don't by Richard Horne

101 Things You Need to Know and Some You Don’t by Richard Horne

This was aimed at teens, but would probably be more appropriate for a 3rd grader. I remember nothing else about it.

How to Spice up Your Marriage in 7 Days by Imogen Barnet

How to Spice up Your Marriage in 7 Days by Imogen Barnet

This was free on Amazon, and I was desperate to read a book I disagreed with. It’s best advice was to stare unblinkingly into someone’s eyes for four whole minutes. “Set your phone alarm.” Okay, creeper.

Previously: 2015 The Good, 2014 The Bad
Next: 2015 The Ugly

2015: The Good

This year I read 148 books! Here are the ones I rated five stars on GoodReads.

The Girl with Ghost Eyes by M. H. Boroson

The Girl with Ghost Eyes by M. H. Boroson

This was my favorite book I read this year!!! A great mix of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Kung Fu movies, I learned a lot about Chinese folklore in this historical fiction-fantasy-adventure. Set in 1800s Chinatown, this book follows Li-lin, a Daoist priestess who can see into the spirit world as she tries to save her city from the vengeful ravages of a man-made monster.

Lumberjanes Volumes 1 & 2 by Noelle Stevenson

Lumberjanes Volumes 1 & 2 by Noelle Stevenson

These graphic novels are awesome! The Lumberjanes are like more badass girl scouts who must survive a summer camp in a forest full of mythical monsters. Also, friendship bracelets!!

Illuminae by Alice Kaufman and Jay Kristoff

Illuminae by Alice Kaufman and Jay Kristoff

This book fucked me up. It’s a sci-fi/horror/epistolary/adventure of badassness.

Becoming Nicole: The Transformation of an American Family by Amy Ellis Nutt

Becoming Nicole: The Transformation of an American Family by Amy Ellis Nutt

This memoir tells the story of Nicole, a transgender girl, and her family’s experiences as she grew up. It’s a really interesting portrait, not just of a transgender individual, but of the family and community around her and how they react and are affected by her transformation.

Voracious: A Hungry Reader Cooks Her Way Through Great Books by Cara Nicoletti

Voracious: A Hungry Reader Cooks Her Way Through Great Books by Cara Nicoletti

This book talks about one book per short chapter, a personal essay about it followed by a recipe. I liked the essays so much, because they mirrored some of my experiences with certain books (Anne of Green Gables) and otherwise just spoke to growing up as a reader and how books can affect your life. Plus delicious food!

Rad American Women A-Z by Kate Schatz

Rad American Women A-Z by Kate Schatz

I learned a lot from this book!!! There were plenty of rad American women I’d never heard of.

The Wacky and Wonderful World Through Numbers by Steve Martin

The Wacky and Wonderful World Through Numbers by Steve Martin

This was a fun, interesting book that anyone who likes statistics or world records would enjoy!

Dietland by Sarai Walker

Dietland by Sarai Walker

THIS BOOK. I loved its message of militant body positivity and feminism, and all the different variations of each. It’s so rare to have a fat lady protagonist who doesn’t end the book living happily ever after by losing weight. I found this book really inspiring, especially when the main character muses that being fat is kind of a super power in that it shows you how people really are. The people who are jerks to her may have hid their inner jerkiness if she were pretty, but she knows their reactions to her are their genuine selves, good or bad. I think about that a lot.

The Folded Clock: A Diary by Heidi Julavits

The Folded Clock: A Diary by Heidi Julavits

This was like a cross between a diary and a series of personal essays on many different subjects. I really like Heidi Julavits’ voice and sense of humor.

Microshelters: 59 Creative Cabins, Tiny Houses, Tree Houses, and Other Small Structures by Derek Diedricksen

Microshelters: 59 Creative Cabins, Tiny Houses, Tree Houses, and Other Small Structures by Derek Diedricksen

I don’t know if I could ever live in a tiny house myself (especially not with Steven and Olivia), but it was so interesting seeing the different creative ways people packed what they needed into such a small frame.

An Age of License by Lucy Knisley

An Age of License by Lucy Knisley

This is a travelogue graphic novel about a pretty epic trip through Europe. I’ve read a few of Knisley’s graphic novels, and I really enjoy her art style and down-to-earth writing.
Read the rest of this entry »

Pinkie Pie and the Rockin’ Ponypalooza Party!

notebook paper

It has been SO LONG since we’ve had a Middle School Book Report!!! In the spirit of Goddess Girls, Steven and I decided to start a new series of tween girl books that speak to both our expertises’. Namely:

pinkiepiebook

It’s going to be great.

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
In the middle of one of Pinkie Pie’s awesome parties, her way-less-enthusiastic family shows up wanting to see Princess Twilight. They’re in dire need of royal help because the family rock farm is going under! Pinkie Pie immediately suggests throwing a big rock concert to remind everyone how great rocks are, but her pony-Mennonite family are sick of her frivolous suggestions and tell her to get serious. So her friends try to plan a party without her while Pinkie Pie paints her room brown and tries to schedule business meetings. Eventually her family sees she is miserable and apologizes, and the Ponypalooza is a huge success, somehow making people order more gravel and bricks. Yay!

Igneous Rock: Pony Mennonite

Igneous Rock: Pony Mennonite

Analysis within MLP Canon and Fanon
By Steven
So let’s start with one thing; I have no idea what the Word of God is on the canonicity of this series, but I kind of want for it to be canon as written, and here is just one reason why: “Nine Inch Tails.” That’s not to mention a number of other ponified bands, but it does at least introduce something other than saccharine-sweet pop and quasi-country into canon (note: this was published in 2013, before the introduction of Countess Coloratura a.k.a. MLP Lady Gaga). For this book, though, apart from the fun little references like those, there’s really nothing noticeably out of canon. Pinkie is Pinkie, except when she’s Pinkamena, the Pie clan are basically American Gothic in pony form, the Mane 6 do their thing, and parties get thrown. It basically qualified as a standard slice of life episode without pushing any canon boundaries, save perhaps one; Igneous and Cloudy Quartz (Pinkie’s parents) have perfectly normal, if slightly stilted, speech patterns, despite the show’s canon (and a large slice of common fanon) depicting them as using archaic English forms (as of S05E20). All things considered, that gets a pass.

Pony Lady Gaga

Pony Lady Gaga

Patricia’s Favorites
Character: Pinkie Pie’s pet alligator, Gummy, who does nothing except blink occasionally
Part: All the bands that play at Ponypalooza: Coldhay, John Mare, The Whooves, and Neigh-Z
Thing I Learned: Sales of gravel are directly related to rock concert attendance

Steven’s Favorites
Character: Pinkie Pie, for equipping the Cutie Mark Crusaders with spring-loaded shoes. That’s something that would get you on a watchlist in any other nation.
Part: Ditto the bands. That was cute.
Thing I Learned: That either gems are dirt cheap or else Equestria is an economic powerhouse, allowing random citizens to upgrade their driveways with bling. Now I want an amethyst car park. Also that apparently major headliner bands will do a concert for free if you know them well enough?


The CMC mid-terror plot

I mean, let’s face it; they’re Ponyville’s resident terrorists

Hate Book Club: The Natural

Sketch722285-1

Hate Book Club is, of course, where Brian and I read books we think we’ll hate. This time we had to recommend a book we thought the other one would hate. For him, I chose Daughter of the Blood by Anne Bishop, the weirdest erotic fantasy novel I’ve ever read. I’m so excited to read his review of it!!

For me, Brian chose The Natural by Bernard Malamud. It didn’t take me long to see why he thought I would hate it. It’s hella boring and also all about baseball, America’s Most Boring Pastime.

Even the cover is boring

Even the cover is boring

As always, I have to start my review by thinking of three good things to say, and they are:
1) It was really easy to skim the descriptions of the games because they hardly factored into the “plot” at all so I wasn’t exposed to as much baseball as I feared
2) This book actually made me like baseball more, because even watching it is less boring than reading about it.
3) It may have been painful to read at the time, but, unlike other horrible books, it quickly left my system. I’m writing this 2 months after starting this review (Brian reads slow), and I haven’t really retained much about the plot. In fact:

naturalchart

Luckily, I kept copious notes.

Here is the deal: Roy Hobbs is going to be the best baseball player ever, but before he can try out for the Cubs, a serial killer who specializes in murdering talented baseball players shoots him in the stomach. MANY YEARS LATER Roy is signed as a rookie to play on the Knights. Everyone makes fun of him because he’s so old, but when he uses his magical bat that he made himself (named “Wonderboy” because Bernard Malamud is imaginative), he is the best hitter ever so soon they shut up. All except Bump, the former best player on the team, who continually plays tricks on him. Like the time he randomly switched rooms with him for the night, causing his girlfriend Memo to sleep with Roy instead?? Hilarious.

Anyway, Bump runs into a wall and dies. Roy attempts to force himself on Memo repeatedly. He also meets a woman named Iris Lemon and goes on a weird date to the middle of nowhere with her where they swim in a lake and then build a fire like boyscouts. Iris confesses that she has an illegitimate child. He’s like “Well, you’re hot and clearly slutty, so let’s do this.” Then, in the middle of the sex:

But while he was in the middle of loving her she spoke: “I forgot to tell you I am a grandmother.”
He stopped. Holy Jesus.
Then she remembered something else and tried, in fright, to raise herself.
“Roy, are you–”
But he shoved her back and went on from where he had left off. (157)

Roy can’t get over that Iris is a grandmother, so he blows her off thereafter and continues pursuing Memo despite the fact that she doesn’t seem to like him. Then, a few day before THE BIG GAME, he has some kind of stomach attack and ends up in the hospital. The doctor is all “You should never play baseball again. You’re too old and it apparently makes your body explode.” But Roy just HAS to play in the BIG GAME. Memo arrives and explains that they can’t be together because he’s too old to make enough money at baseball to keep her in style:

“Maybe I am weak or spoiled, but I am the type who has to have somebody who can support her in a decent way. I’m sick of living like a slave. I got to have a house of my own, a maid to help me with the hard work, a decent car to shop with and a fur coat for winter time when it’s cold.” (193)

UNLESS he takes this deal that the team owner and the city’s biggest bookie have cooked up to make money. But can Roy really throw the big game??? It turns out, yes, although he has a change of heart near the end and starts trying for real real. Unfortunately, it’s too late and the Knights lose. Everyone is disappointed. Roy beats up the team owner, the bookie, and Memo and leaves a broken man.

Also, in the middle of the game he hits a ball into the stand that smashes Iris Lemon IN THE FACE. She dramatically reveals she’s pregnant with his child before the ambulance takes her away. He realizes TOO LATE that he doesn’t care about her past and that she is way less sketchy the Memo. BUT IS SHE? Apparently she is mainly attracted to Roy due to his resemblance to her rapist:

How like the one who jumped me in the park that night he looks, she thought, and to drive the thought away pressed his head deeper into her breasts, thinking, this will be different. (219)

On the other hand, this is Memo’s (and Bernard Malamud’s??) idea of the best way to sexily wait for your BF:

She was lying naked in bed, chewing a turkey drumstick as she looked at the pictures in a large scrapbook. (184)

Either way, Roy is a horrible person who doesn’t care about either of them. When he’s not trying to wheedle sex out of Memo in the sketchiest way possible:

“For Christ sakes, Memo, I am a grown guy and not a kid. When are you gonna be nice to me?”
“I am, Roy.”
“Not the way I want it.” (175)

Here he is trying to get over the fact that Iris is a grandmother. A HOT grandmother, but still.

To do her justice he concentrated on her good looks and the pleasures of her body but when her kid’s kid came to mind, despite grandma’s age of only thirty-three, that was asking too much and spoiled the appetizing part of her. (159)

Beside the terrible characters, the other horrible parts of this book included the vaguely dirty feeling Bernard Malamud’s attempts at writing gave me:

He felt a splurge of freedom at the view (3)

And the way everyone in this book is unreasonably obsessed with baseball:

“The ballplayers.”
“Oh, the ball–” Eddie clapped a hand to his mouth. “Are you one of them?”
“I hope to be.”
The porter bowed low. “My hero. Let me kiss your hand.” (5)

I guess this book was first published in 1952 when maybe baseball was a big deal and not just the acknowledged most boring sport in the entire world. It was a simpler time before the Internet, with simple past times. At least in this book I could skim the play-by-plays of Roy’s games, so it has that to be said for it. So in the end this book is slightly LESS boring than an actual baseball game, although I don’t know what kind of twisted deal-with-the-boring-devil would ever have you choosing between the two.

In the end, I would sum up my reaction to this book thusly:

boringgif

Don’t forget to read Brian’s review!

Previously: The Overton Window by Glenn Beck

Site and contents are © 2009-2024 Patricia Ladd, all rights reserved. | Admin Login | Design by Steven Wiggins.