1. Terrible Movies

You have to be in the right mindset to watch something like Night of 1000 Cats or Stick It! or Titanic II. Luckily, I am always in that mindset.
 

2. Terrible Books

I like to think that I’m a little more discerning about the books I read than the movies I watch, but then I remembered how much I like making fun of things that try to be Twilight. Plus this summer I am going to try to tackle the ridic book Anna Baron gave me in one act payment two years ago: The Black Jewels Trilogy:

Anna Baron knows how to give gifts

3. Prehistoric Animals

Like an ostrich, BUT DEADLY

Dinosaurs are cool and all, but I really like all the weird stuff that came after them. I think I have seen all the National Geographic and BBC specials on stuff like this, so if you could just get me an actual leptictidium, that’d be favorite.

4. Art

For the rest of this epic face-off between James Fox and Middle School Patricia click the link in the paragraph below!

I will freely admit to being terrible at most art, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. Whether it’s making up self-involved comics as a birthday present or making a pig mascot of a lemonade tin. I think my decided lack of artistic ability has taught me some great shortcuts that can easily fool people into thinking I’m competent.

Like coloring inside the lines

5. Sewing

I have a sewing machine, a gift that’s so expensive I feel guilty every minute I’m not using it, which is most of them. I’ve made things before, but it’s a lot harder now when there’s no one to turn to when I inevitably screw things up. Still, I’m learning. Right now I’m in the middle of a crazy quilt made out of random scraps of old clothes. It’s less weird than it sounds.
 

6. Reading Aloud

You probably already know this, but I will take any opportunity to read aloud with someone. I especially like reading Terrible Books on car trips complete with sound effects.

Most Excruciating 16 Hours Ever

7. Car Trips

Trip Home from College, Summer 2009

Clearly I don’t hate car trips.

8. Tennis

Tennis is a relatively new thing I’ve started doing, usually with Steven and/or Rachel. We kind of make up our own rules and I’m still not great, but I’m definitely better than I was when I started, which is probably the best that can be hoped for. I really like the sounds the racket makes, the whoosh and the rubbery crack of hitting the ball.
 

9. Playing the Ukulele

I’ve had Gregor, this ukulele, ever since I realized that four strings are way easier than six. Since I was already the most lazy guitar player ever, it seemed like a no-brainer to make the switch. Unfortunately, since my leet guitar skillz lay mainly in classical fingerpicking, strumming patterns still sometimes elude me.

I reminded JerBear about this musical debut when he visited me last month by shouting the lyrics to "My Name Is Jeremy and I Suck" at him

10. Making Pie Crust

I'm skilled at rolling pins and getting my clothes really floury in equal measure

Pie crust is like the spoiled only child of the baking world. It demands constant attention, and you can do everything right and sometimes it still acts like a brat for no reason. Luckily my parenting and baking styles are both “I’m patient but not taking this shit” so it’s especially satisfying when I roll out and attach the last layer.

11. Sending Mail

It’s no secret how much I love writing letters and postcards. I don’t just send postcards to my closest friends and family, either. I’ve sent them to government offices, dentists, people who probably don’t remember me, and grumpy reference librarians. My favorite postcard trope is to write as whatever is pictured on the card. Example:

“Dear Josh, I know you love me but I really think we should just be friends. Platonic Love, The Space Program”
 

12. Getting Mail

I like these too much to have them be smooshed into one number. I love getting mail! I think everyone does. I also save anything personal anyone sends me. If you’ve sent me a letter or a card since maybe 2006, chances are it’s pasted into my journal. A lot of times I just paste the whole envelope in so I don’t have to obscure a side of the letter, which makes reading my old journals a lot like reading The Jolly Postman or Griffin and Sabine, except better because it’s mostly almost true.
 

13. Keeping journals

I’ve kept a journal since 6th grade, so approximately 13 years. Sometimes I would write every day, other times there’s gaps of a few months, and most of the time my handwriting is a trial to decipher, making me feel like I’m on a Patricia-centric archeological dig. The worst and best thing about it is that I often provide very little context for the events I’m recording, especially in middle school when the latest drama within my friend group seemed VITALLY IMPORTANT but I never wasted time explaining who anyone was because duh, I already knew that. Now I often find highly emotional entries about people I don’t even remember at all:

I’m sooo sick of Stephanie. Now Pallavi is, like, her best friend and everyone seems to like her. Even when she overcrowds our table and leaves her stuff everywhere. She always steals people’s chairs. Worst of all she’s always soooo mean to me. Like on Thursday Mrs. Love said to get a half sheet of paper to copy notes. I’m out of paper so I asked if someone would split a piece of paper with me. Everyone else was getting set up so they didn’t answer but Stephanie took the time to say “Why would I want to split a sheet of paper with you?” like I was some gross, disgusting, vile, worm thing. I answered her by pretending she didn’t know we needed a half sheet of paper, but I knew she meant why would she want to split a paper with me. I realize now I should have said something like “Why are you so mean” but I didn’t. Stephanie is always mean like that.

“Why are you so mean” is clearly the best come back to any bully. Half of my sixth grade journal is like this, the other half is oddly detailed descriptions of school assignments or books I’d read. For instance:

We watched Hamlet in gifted. It’s soooo depressing! Everyone dies. Hamlet is the prince of Denmark. His dad dies and then a month later his mom marries his uncle. Then Hamlet’s dad’s ghost comes and tells him he didn’t just die he was murdered by the one who wears his crown. Hamlet vows to take revenge. Meanwhile Polonius’ son is going off to college. Polonius’ daughter Ophellia is Hamlet’s girlfriend. Polonius forbids her to see Hamlet for some stupid reason. Hamlet is trying to tell his mother about his father and Polonius is hiding behind the curtain. Hamlet hears Polonius and drives his sword into the curtain killing Polonius. The king sends Hamlet away to England for awhile and while he’s there Ophellia goes crazy and jumps off a bridge. Laratis comes back from college and Hamlet gets back from England. Laratis is mad at Hamlet for killing his dad and challenges him to a duel. Laratis is poisoning his sword tip and the king is poisoning the wine. At the duel the king tells Hamlet to drink some wine. Hamlet says no. Then Hamlet’s mom who is so happy Hamlet is winning drinks the wine. They go on fighting. Laratis scratches Hamlet with the poison sword dishonorably. Then he drops the sword accidentally and Hamlet picks it up and wounds him with it. Then Hamlet sees his mom dying and kills the King for poisoning the mom. Then Laratis dies. And Hamlet.

I’d like to pretend 23-year-old Patricia is better at it than 11-year-old Patricia, but she’s really not.
 

14. Board Games, specifically Settlers of Catan

I love any board game, but one of my favorites is Settlers of Catan. I first played it at Bova’s house during one of my many long car trips home for Christmas. I remember being really tired after driving for at least 8 hours that day, and being annoyed at Bova’s sister for wanting to play some board game when I just wanted to sleep. Then it was Settlers of Catan and I forgot all about sleeping in the excitement of crushing Steven with my largest army.
 

15. Wine with ridiculous labels

This is the kind of advertising that really works on me. Whether it’s a bottle shaped like a cat, a label that’s just a smiley face, or a name like “This Wine Sucks”, I HAVE to check it out. I guess I feel like if I made wine, I would do something like that. And obvs I will like wine made by people like me. “The Wine Sucks”, by the way, is not the name of a real wine (to my knowledge), but I would be way excited if it was.
 

16. Pictures of Food

Of course, I also like cooking and eating food too, but I really need to see a picture of something before I can get remotely excited about making it. Steven makes fun of me for only checking out cook books with pictures of every recipe; I think he thinks it’s being superficial. After all, some cookbooks might not be able to afford as many color photos but their recipes are just as tasty! Just like some people don’t have good cameras are photography skillz (me), but the recipes they blog about are probably just as good. Too bad. Foodgawker is pretty much my favorite source of recipes because it is all pictures.

17. Hot Air Balloons

Rob and I have different interpretations of "Hot Air Balloon Face"

18. Narwhals

Michael Curtis thought it was so funny when I thought these things were mythological/photoshopped. I guess I should feel embarrassed, but I still only half-believe in them.

I mean, wtf?

19. Time Travel

But only hilarious time travel

20. NaNoWriMo (and Script Frenzy)

Without which the world would know nothing about William Marsh Rice’s age-old feud with Robert the Bruce:

 

21. Doctor Who

I liked it before it was cool

22. Picture Books For Kids and Adults

There’s a lot of these but my favorite is A Pig Parade is a Terrible Idea by Michael Ian Black.

 

23. Locopops!

Locopops is a local popsicle parlor (like an ice cream parlor but better)! They have new flavors every day, in both cream and ice pops! One of my favorites lately was Fluffernutter Pop, but mango chile is always good.
 

24. Steven Wiggins

Because he cares about the stupid shit I’m into.

This photo and Steven’s silly looking hair circa 2007.

Ragnarok
The thing most people remember about John Cross is how he played Ragnarok pretty much constantly. I know you hear that a lot about people at Rice, how they play WoW all the time, but with John Cross I really mean CONSTANTLY. I was always surprised when he stopped for food. He certainly didn’t stop for class. Sure, if you asked him if he’d gone, he’d say “Yes” despite still being in the same position as when you left, and still in pajamas, but we all knew the truth. There was even a facebook group for awhile called something like “I’m John Cross: I’m too baller to go to class” whose tagline was definitely “I don’t even care that I got a 32% in Physics”.

Stealing things
John Cross was also highly suggestible. He would just do things because you suggested them. Seriously. One time at the beginning of school I went out to eat with him and Josh Langsfeld and this happened:
John: (looking at knife) This cutlery is really nice
Me: You should take it
John: Okay (takes knife)
slightly later
John: Wait, why do I have this knife?
Me: I have no idea
It was like he had no agency of his own most of the time, and the few times he did he would use it to either A) do absolutely nothing or B) do something completely ridic.

“I’m living with you guys next year, I swear”
As you may expect, Rice took some exception to John Cross’ cavalier attitude about grades. At least three times he signed up to be roommates with Josh, Rob, and Adam and then just did not show up. They would always discover he wasn’t living with them when Alex A. or Adam Ellsworth or whoever called and this happened:

Alex: So I’m totally living with you guys next year!! Should I bring anything?
Josh: What? No you’re not.
Alex: Yeah, I am.
Josh: What about John Cross?
Alex: Who?

And then we’d call John Cross and he’d either not answer, make vague promises, or, my personal favorite, “I’m going to Australia. As like… a study abroad thing?” Later he changed this story to “Arizona”. Probably he was actually in Cleveland the whole time, but I like to think of him as an Indiana Jonesque adventurer, traveling the world and being generally uninterested.

Soft Serve Machine
John Cross claimed to have a soft serve machine at home, and enrage us by not bringing it to Rice. He would say that it was too big, and we would despair. I posit that, given all the other pathological lying he did, John Cross never actually had a soft serve machine, but Rachel still holds a torch.

Two Dog Faces
A member of THE 434 who shall remain nameless could never remember what John Cross actually looked like, despite seeing him regularly. When asked, Anonymous THE 434 Member would claim that John “had like a split face, with two different sides” or “looked kind of like a dog. Not in a bad way”. Eventually a compromise was decided and it was proclaimed one night (I’m sure in the OC lounge, site of many such momentous occasions) that John Cross had “two dog faces”.

Richenda
This is by far everyone’s favorite John Cross story, maybe because it stars someone else. During sophomore year when John Cross was living off campus, he told us a high school friend of his named Richenda was coming to see him, so we all went out to eat. When we tried to ask Richenda about Highschool John Cross, she and John Cross would just sort of look at each other and giggle. When we asked her what she did, she said she “worked in websites” and then later claimed to be a model. It quickly became apparent that they did not know each other from highschool, that they had, in fact, never met before. Yes, they had met on Ragnarok.

It’s at the same time more and less sketchy than you’re thinking. She stayed at his apartment for two, maybe three months, sleeping in his room while he slept in an arm chair in the living room. She would make fun of him, and he would giggle. He would show up with weird bruises and explain offhandedly that Richenda had kicked him. Once, while sitting between them, Rachel had the disturbing experience of nearly being kicked-bit (when you try to kick and bite someone at the same time) by Richenda while she was aiming for John Cross.

The End?
Then, of course, John Cross never came back–naturally telling no one–though Richenda stayed in town and for all I know still lives there working at the sushi restaurant in the Village. We would sometimes try to call him, but eventually gave up. Where are you now, John Cross? Another mission as a world-renowned secret spy? Spreading your legend around the world? Sitting in your parents’ basement playing Ragnarok? The world may never know. I have fond hopes that one day we will meet in an airport and the dramatic truth about John Cross will be revealed. Until that day, I guess we can only celebrate his birthday, and wonder.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Night of the Comet

You seriously do not even know how amazing this is

Night of the Comet is your typical sci-fi disaster post-Apocalyptic zombie movie mixed with a sassy coming of age story all set to a ironically awesome 80′s soundtrack. I was skeptical in the beginning too, but Night of the Comet did not disappoint. Every time I thought it couldn’t get even more awesome, IT FOUND A WAY. Another amazing movie I would never have experienced if Bova hadn’t taken her D3 professor’s derisive comments about its lack of scientific accuracy to heart and ordered it on impulse from Amazon Marketplace. Not only do I think about Bova every time I remember how great this movie was, I also learned from her and it the valuable lesson that impulse purchases of questionable taste are ALWAYS even more amazing than you could ever expect. For instance: the time I rented Santa’s Slay.

2. New linguistic breakthroughs

graspin’ adj.
1. lacking in coolness or basic functionality
2. pathetic
“Ever since my computer got dropped on the floor at O-Week, the screen’s been so graspin’! I can’t even see these lolcats!”

setchy adj.
1. something or someone that is both sketchy and sexy at the same time
2. I am having a hard time thinking of an example of this myself; to me it is more of a theoretical concept than a proven entity. Like the missing link or a Made-for-Sci Fi Channel Original movie with realistic dialogue. Still, if Bova claims to have seen it, I believe her.
“What’s with Steven Wiggin’s mustache? Does he think that’s flattering? Is he trying to be a pirate?” “No, I think he’s trying to be setchy.”

totes jeal adj.
1. totally jealous
“Have you seen how awesome Bova is? I am totes jeal!!!!”

There’s a hole in my bucket phrase
1. Used to describe a state of being when everything seems to go wrong for no discernible reason
2. I actually completely forget what this one means
3. I don’t think it’s meant to be used in an unironic fashion
4. At least I hope
“Meeeerrrrhhhhh there’s a hole in my bucket“

Lesson learned: You can do anything you set your mind to, including irrevocably warping the speech patterns of those around you. I’m sad that I will miss new Bovaglish updates since we’re apart and the next time I see her my version of it will be hopelessly out of date.

3. An appreciation of dramatics

Me: “So tonight I was supposed to meet Steven after work at like 5, and he said he’d call me when he was done. So I drove all the way to Humble and got there at like 5:30 but he still hadn’t called. So I tried to call him for an hour and he never answered. So I got angry and started driving back to Rice in a huff but then half way home started FREAKING OUT that he had gotten into a car accident or was dead somehow and I had spent the last hour leaving him mean voice mail messages. So I turned around and drove back to Humble, parked at the mall, went to the photo place, and asked if Steven was there and she said yes and I said “Tell him his EX girlfriend stopped by” and angrily stormed out and angrily drove home and angrily walked back up to my room and angrily lay on my bed being angry. And then he called at like ten and said he’d just gotten off of work and his phone had died and why was I freaking out so much and I said “If you loved me, you’d be here RIGHT NOW” so now he’s driving here.”

Any other person’s response: “Wow… you are like all kinds of crazy.”

Bova’s response: “AMAZING PATRICIA!!!! That is exactly what I would do!!!! Good job at being dramatic!!!!”

This is why some stories I can only tell to Bova because, rather than tell me I am paranoid or have control issues, she will always agree that the more dramatic and/or romantic something is the better rather than being all judgey and lame.

4. Bitchy Italian Models

This one time, Bova and I took Italian 101 for some reason that probably neither of us remember. One of our projects was to write a lengthy conversation to perform in front of the class using our limited Italian 101 vocabularies, which mostly consisted of describing how people looked. Rather than be lame and just have endless monologues about our families, Bova and I decided to be contestants on Italia’s Next Top Model (actual name of the actual show) and constantly bitch about how ugly each other was.

I've never seen an episode of Italia's Next Top Model, but I assume our conversation piece was what 85% of the real dialogue is like

I don’t remember a lot of the details of the assignment, just a lot of shouting of “IO SONO ITALIA’S NEXT TOP MODEL!” which to this day remains the only thing I remember how to say in Italian. Which is probably all I would ever have to know when going to Italy anyway. Thanks, Bova!!!

5. The Wiess Garage Sale/becoming hobos

At the end of last year, a lot of us realized we owned perfectly serviceble plastic drawers, appliances, bikes, costumes, board games, lawn chairs, hats, ukuleles, and scrolling marquee belt buckles that, sadly, we would have no chances to use again after Rice. To facilitate a mutually beneficial transfer of goods and to stop the bitching, I organized the first ever Wiess Garage Sale. Unfortunately, the twenty or so people I talked to who said they had stuff to sell utterly failed to show up, so it was just Bova and I with our possessions strewn across the acabowl like homeless waifs. If I had been with anyone else, it would have been awkward, but since it was Bova we were still bringing the classy.

Bringing the classy, and an umbrella

And we sold most of our stuff to the disappointed masses thanks to my haggling skills and Bova’s ability to sweeten the bargain by throwing in whatever happened to be lying around.

Okay, so we actually sold almost everything to Rachel Liontas, whatever

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even though there are 12 million more amazing things about Bova, five is a good number to have in a list so I will stop there.

Secret Bonus Reason Number 6 is that she owns at least two tiaras

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOVA!!!!!

The tastiest way to die

Behold the seagull mafia!

Luckily, I am from Florida and narrowly avoided death by making myself look as unappetizing as possible and losing myself in a far more pliant tour group. Another narrow animal-escape.