Basically, I wanted to answer the age old question: Will anything actually eat Cookie Crisp?

Here is my lab report, as put together based on this “scientific method” flow chart I found on Sciencebuddies.org

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Will anything actually eat Cookie Crisp?

Background Research

The reasoning behind this experiment is childish, but easy to follow, like all science should be. A few weeks ago I was at an unassuming Piggly Wiggly in Columbia, TN when I noticed they had Cookie Crisp cereal, so I bought some for Steven because I remembered him saying how much he liked it and how sad he was that it had apparently been discontinued. He disavowed any knowledge of this conversation (we’ve since worked out that it was actually Waffle Crisp) and the box has just sat around. We finally decided to do something about it, by finding someone or SOMETHING that will eat it.

The box claims to offer “the great taste of chocolate chip cookies and milk” when in reality it’s obvious that you have to add the milk yourself. Even before beginning the experiment I suspected the “great” in that promise is also a lie.

Construct a Hypothesis

Nothing will eat this shit. I bet it tastes like sugar-coated cardboard.

Test with an Experiment

Steven and I grudgingly agreed that we would at least have to taste the offending cereal before continuing on with the experiment. I now feel justified in my hypothesis, at least so far as “sugar-coated cardboard” is concerned. Steven was more generous in saying they were “over-processed, under-flavored, puffed sugar substitute with a little bit of plastic chocolate. But they’re mad cute”. Thinking that we were perhaps too old to comprehend the joys of eating cookies for breakfast, we turned to younger test subjects. My brother, a full 4 years younger, pondered for a few moments before pronouncing it “stale, with a hint of Saskatchewan”. Now that I am a scientist instead of an academ, I will refrain from trying to puzzle out the hidden symbolism. Still, it seemed less negative so we tried even younger. My ten-year-old cousin, who happened to visiting, passed the box of tempting Cookie Crisp up four mornings in a row in favor of the healthy Crispix alternative, despite my scientific cajoling.

Finally, in despair, we took our full box of Cookie Crisp to the park to see if the birds would even eat it. My money was on No. The ducks, ibises, and egrets that frequented Seminole’s parks have too discerning palettes for such trash. MAYBE the seagulls. But here is where I was wrong.

Immediately we had a sizeable crowd, mostly of seagulls and ibises

Although the commotion quickly moved towards the water where a surprisingly large group of turtles joined in

A satisfied turtle, now filled with Vitamin D

Is this ibis really now filled with essential vitamins and minerals? Results are inconclusive.

Analyze Results

People won’t eat Cookie Crisp, even if they are in the intended age group. But animals go nuts for it.

Hypothesis is false

Or at least, partially false. I still think they taste like sugar-coated cardboard.

Report Findings

Apparently, Florida’s staggering population of the elderly are not doing their jobs. These birds and reptiles were obviously starving to death, forcing them to take even the most pitiful nutrients offered by Cookie Crisp to survive. For shame, old people! Without your hoarded breadcrumbs, scattered like the lost opportunities and failed dreams of your life, America’s park birds will die out! And you can’t expect me to go around feeding them Cookie Crisp all the time. Eventually they’ll realize that they prefer starvation.

So scientific right now!!!

Since I have so much Minneapolis experience, I was expecting it to be a mere stop over instead of what it turned out to be: THE GREATEST STOP ON OUR ROADTRIP EVER!!! Seriously, Anna Baron has been holding out on us. Minneapolis may be the REAL Land of Enchantment. Yeah, New Mexico, I said it. Or maybe my low expectations only made it seem that much more amazing. The first order of business was to see Natalie, my erstwhile illustrator of The Knight, the wizard, and the Lady Pig fame:

That's my Meeting a Famous Illustrator Face

She took us salsa dancing. IN THE MALL OF AMERICA. I love the Mall of America. I know it’s the epitome of cheesiness, especially the theme park inside, but I like how it’s its own strange microcosm. Also, the wide availability of ice cream at every turn.

The next best thing: the antique carousel in Como Park! Complete with calliope!

OMGOD Carousel!

A mere picture cannot begin to convey how excited I was

I was literally pushing small children out of the way. Modern carousels definitely don’t have shit on the Como Park one. It goes faster, has hand carved wooden horses, and real leather stirrups! And lasted for like fifteen minutes! It was maybe the happiest fifteen minutes of my adult life so far.

And then, just so we’d be even, we went to this Raptor Center at the University of Minnesota where they fix broken hawks, eagles, owls etc. The tour was free, which was sweet.

"Helloooooo! I am an adorable yet injured owl!"

So, basically, I would suggest Minneapolis, not just for a convenient way to get to Bismarck, but as its own destination. In the summer. This cannot be stressed enough.

The tastiest way to die

Behold the seagull mafia!

Luckily, I am from Florida and narrowly avoided death by making myself look as unappetizing as possible and losing myself in a far more pliant tour group. Another narrow animal-escape.

Also, Jeremy basically has an ornithological zoo in his back yard:

OMG QUAIL!

There were lots of other, dramatic birds as well, but I like quail. Also, adorable rabbits:

Adorable, itchy rabbits!

Despite these, and other attractions, I would say the best feature of the Jeremy Caves House is definitely the one thing Steven would not let me photograph: Jeremy’s Little Mermaid sheets. We slept in Jeremy’s room (which is kind of odd, but I have invited him to visit Florida to sleep in my room at any time when I am not there so it’s fair) which has two single beds that are lamentably no longer bunked. Or maybe that’s for the best since it would have involved Steven and I getting into an unbecoming shouting match over who got the top bunk. The bed I was in had the expected train-themed sheets but Steven lucked out with the amazingness of Little Mermaid. I can only hope that, when at home, Jeremy sleeps happily in the company of Ariel, Flounder, and Sebastian while dreaming his environmentally conscious dreams.

A window into Jeremy's psyche?