How did that happen? It's possible I'm too bootylicious for ya babe

It’s cool! I just ripped out the inside leg seams and cut off the legs, then used the extra fabric to fill in the gaps to make a skirt!!

Yes, that IS the annotated anniversary edition of The Phantom Tollbooth on the floor!

I had to get a heavier needle and jean thread for my sewing machine, but figuring out how to change the needle was the hardest part of this project! And that was just turning a little knob. Super easy!!

And super stylish!!

Exciting to have a skirt with pockets!!

Middle School Book Reports just got a whole lot more awesome because I have successfully connived Steven Wiggins into helping me!!! I’m sure he wouldn’t have agreed if the book series in question wasn’t all about different Greco-Roman gods and goddesses in middle school! It’s called Goddess Girls by Joan Holub and Suzanne Williams! Clearly Steven wanted to be the first classics major to really make a close study of this groundbreaking new text in the field.

You can tell he's secretly enjoying himself

Props to Caitlin for convincing me to read all of these!! Well, she mainly just posted a link to it on my facebook wall, clearly well aware that I require almost no convincing to read ridiculous tween book series based somehow on really violent and sexually explicit ancient source material! Of course I immediately checked out as many as the library had available. Therefore I’m not reading them in any order–this one is actually book 3–but they each seem to be a separate story so Steven and I were not completely bewildered. Well, Steven was, but that was mostly about the term “godboy”.

I can't be the only one weirded out by her gigantic insect eyes, right?

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
Aphrodite decides to give her frumpy friend Athena a makeover!! But then gets super jealous when school hottie Ares, her secret crush, starts paying more attention to her friend! Plus, Hephaestus, a sweet but ugly boy keeps sending her flowers and gifts to woo her and making everyone gossip about how they’re an item when everyone knows Aphrodite has got STANDARDS, you guys. Everyone learns a lesson about true love and being honest by helping Hippomenes trick his way into Atalanta’s arms, and Athena reveals that sleazy Ares just wanted her advice on how to get a city named after him. Then Aphrodite sets Hephaestus up with some other nerdy chick and everyone lives happily ever after.

Thetis is all like "Make me some armor for my son or I'll stuff you into a locker, NERD"

Faithfulness to Original Mythos
By Steven
Okay, so firstly let’s ignore the whole middle school metaphor thing. Or that in this continuity the instructors (Principal Zeus, Mr. Cyclops, et al.) are supposed to be >= 1 generation in age and stature above the students (Athena, Atlas, Pandora, etc.). The characters mentioned are all more or less representative of their Greek originals–with the juicy bits left out–and there were a few standouts outside the normal range of the Pantheon. Props to the author for including not just Medusa, but also her sisters Euryale and Stheno, and double props for providing Ares the posse of Kydoimos (confusion in battle) and Makhai (spirits of battle), even though none of the above are really provided any back story. Small mistake in making Makhai singular (it refers to the brethren of spirits associated with battle, including Kydoimos) but otherwise pretty accurate. The Atalanta story is pretty spot on and Hephaestus’ loss of Aphrodite to Ares and subsequent matchup with Agleia is quasi-accurate as well, if missing the whole sex-in-a-net thing. Small demerit (or prop? I can’t decide) for “Arachne’s Sewing Supplies” in the Immortal Market, where Athena goes for yarn and needles; isn’t that sort of bad taste on Athena’s part? Four out of five stars for accuracy, the fifth being that I can’t get over this middle school metaphor! And the term “godboy”, of course.

Tween Girl Life Lessons
By Patricia
1) Every girl is super hot if you just restyle her hair and slather on enough makeup!
2) If you don’t like the way your friends look, just change them!
3) Beauty-ology is a completely serious class that you need to study; Athena, as a nerd, is completely failing!
4) If someone’s not hot enough to be your BF (and it’s totally okay to judge them on their looks or disabilities, btws) just string them along for awhile until you can set them up with someone more their scene

Patricia’s Favorites!!!
Character: Medusa! Her snake hair is fab and she’s fatally dangerous to all mortal students at the school, but no one seems worried about that? Plus, she thinks “Bubbles” is an appropriately mean-spirited nickname for the Goddess of Love.
Part: Anytime anyone says a spell. Example: “Blow wind, blow. Off you go. Deliver this message, and don’t be slow.” Even Ron Weasley wouldn’t have trouble with that one!
Thing I Learned: I didn’t know that Hephaestus got married after his divorce from Aphrodite (in the book represented by him going over to talk to some other girl in the cafeteria)! Which is cool because I always felt bad for him before.

Her hair's so big because it's full of SECRETS. And snakes.

Steven’s Favorites
Character: The sentient makeup brush, hands down. Goodbye Pantheon, hello Beauty and the Beast! Pheme (goddess of Fame but also vicious rumor) gets a mention, too, if only for being written closest to her original form.
Part: The Immortal Marketplace: Arachne’s Sewing Supplies and Cleo’s (Cleopatra?) Cosmetics for the girls and Arts of Warfare for the boys.
Thing I Learned: I learned that adding “-ology” to any term immediately makes it an Immortal class subject. I’m now shooting for “Mortal-ology,” hopefully this series’ answer to HP’s “Muggle Studies.”

Goddess Girls Glossary of Ridiculous Terms
textscroll–like a textbook, but a scroll! Comes in colors
scrollizine–a magazine! Useful for getting makeover inspiration
godboy–the boy equivalent of a “goddessgirl”
lyrebell–how you tell when to change classes!
hero-ology
beauty-ology
craft-ology
beast-ology
metal-ology

Next Time: Artemis the Brave!!

31 days, 31 letters

So far I’ve gotten 4 replies!! But I am lazy and haven’t even mailed all of them yet so that number may change!

It feels like so long since we’ve talked about Sam Neill, you guys!! Maybe it’s taken me longer to get through these because they were all just so angsty (here’s a definition of that from a reputable source, dad). I guess Sam Neill is as much a victim of the post-holiday blues as anyone. Cheer up, Sam; I’m pretty sure you get to be a vampire in the next one! And not some lame sparkly one either!

Little Fish (2005)

I too was upset that it wasn't the Australian Finding Nemo

The Movie: Cate Blanchett is a recovering heroin addict trying to pull her life together, which is tough when she can’t get any loans due to her past history, and both her brother, ex-boyfriend, and Hugo Weaving keep trying to pull her back in. Everyone spends a lot of time being sad and staring at things thinking about the hopelessness of it all. Also, Hugo Weaving is the ex-lover of an Australian mob boss and can’t get over it, leading to a climactic ending involving guns and drug overdoses and swimming at the beach in your underwear.

The Character: Sam Neill is the Australian mob boss which means he has to share an awkward kiss with this man:

Would've been hotter if he still looked like Elrond

He’s okay, as far as mob bosses go. He threatens people and he has a fancy gun. My main issue was the fact that he dresses like a middle-aged stockbroker on a yacht at all times.

It's like the least intimidating outfit I can imagine

What I Learned: Sydney apparently has a “little Saigon” district with the largest Vietnamese community in Australia! Judging from this movie it is also rife with drug dealers and ambitious video rental stores.

Would I Watch Again? No, I could barely handle it the first time.

Plenty (1985)

Three years before a dingo ate her baby, Meryl Streep played an even crazier character in a Sam Neill movie! Sting, Gandalf, and Charles Dance were also there.

Thankfully this movie has 100% fewer awkward shorts scenes

The Movie: This movie incorporates a lot of unexplained and unmarked time skips, so I’m going to write my summary in a similarly confusing way. It’s WWII and Meryl Streep is a spy in France! Sam Neill is a newly arrived spy, and she gives him advice, then cries, then sleeps with him. He leaves without saying goodbye. Then some guy is dead and Charles Dance is an ambassador who has to deal. The corpse’s wife is Meryl Streep! Except she’s not really his wife, just his mistress. Now Charles Dance and Meryl Streep are making out and they’ve been dating for months. Meryl Streep’s BFF is a bohemian and Charles Dance hates the way they talk and like jazz music. Meryl Streep asks Sting to father a child with her because she wants a kid and doesn’t want to get married. Sting visits her with flowers because it’s apparently a year later and she’s still not preggers? Then she tries to shoot Sting (we’ve all been there). Charles Dance answers a phone and then rushes to a hospital. Meryl Streep turns around dramatically! Now Charles Dance is at a dinner party and says his wife will be right down! Bohemian BFF is coming downstairs in a fancy dress! J/k his wife is Meryl Streep who freaks out about the Suez Canal and makes everyone uncomfortable. Now Bohemian BFF is visiting some desert place! Charles Dance and Meryl Streep are there, and Meryl Streep is heavily sedated. Meryl Streep visits Gandalf to ask why her husband hasn’t been getting good ambassador assignments. She threatens to kill herself, then goes home and tears up the wallpaper. Meryl Streep is sleeping with Sam Neill again! Then she falls asleep and Sam Neill leaves! Wait–no, he finds his cufflinks she’s kept in her purse all these years! Okay, he covers her with a blanket and then leaves. The End.

Meryl Streep convincing Charles Dance that her crazy is endearing

The Character: Sam Neill is barely in this movie. We see him at the beginning jumping out of a plane and sleeping with Meryl Streep, and then at the end, sleeping with Meryl Streep. But, throughout all the crazy parts in the middle, she keeps his cufflinks in her purse and talks nonstop about how she misses the war because “you could meet people even just for a night that would change your life forever”.

Can you blame her?

Thing I Learned: Sting isn’t a terrible actor! What Ian McKellan looks like with black hair!

Would I Watch Again? Yes, backwards, to see if it makes more sense.

Angel (2007)

Once again, Netflix tricked me into thinking this was a historical romance.

At least the costumes lived up to their promise

The Movie: This movie follows the life of Angel Deverell, who starts out as a petulant and angsty grocer’s daughter and rises to become a petulant and angsty rich and famous novelist by writing the turn of the century equivalent of Twilight. She spends pretty much all of the movie acting like your worst memories of middle schoolers, refusing to change any part of her books, even for factual accuracy. She marries a painter she doesn’t understand because he’s hot, and he likes the fact that she’s rich. Then he goes off to fight in WWI, eventually returning with one leg to commit suicide. Only then does Angel discover that he had a mistress and child. She angsts and eventually dies, almost alone and forgotten.

But the hair and costumes were superb

The Character: Sam Neill plays Angel’s publisher, who sticks by her despite how annoying and crazy she is.

Sam Neill, trying to manfully put up with stuff

Later his wife accuses him of being in love with her, since almost everyone in this movie is in love with her, despite her screechy, petulant selfishness.

Thing I Learned: This book/movie was based on the life of real author Marie Corelli who was apparently way more popular than all of her now-famous contemporaries like H.G. Wells. She was once criticized as being “a woman of deplorable talent who imagined that she was a genius, and was accepted as a genius by a public to whose commonplace sentimentalities and prejudices she gave a glamorous setting”.

Would I Watch Again? Maybe for costume ideas!

Next: Vampires! Guerrilla warfare!
Previously: Made for TV Movie Edition

Also to use up my 91 cent stamps

This week, among other things, I wrote a letter to the state of North Dakota from the state of North Carolina to point out that we both have North in our names so we should probably form a secret alliance against the other 48 states (read: chumps). It’s possible that I don’t have the jurisdiction to send such an invitation on behalf of my entire state, but, like the dishes, no one else was doing it, so I thought I might as well. I expect a favorable reply from the Roughrider State any day now.

Stay tuned for a Sam Neill update later today, Brian!

As you can see, I've been busy writing to my government representatives! Or at least their interns

Don’t worry; I have plans to contact the midwest to make this map look more exciting!

I'm told there aren't really middle names in Korea, so I'm the only author on the cover with a middle initial!

Ta-Dah!

Oh, and I also work here!

And then there’s this:

As you can see, I was somewhat confused about how to show a letter sent to an address within Chapel Hill

Obviously I have been using my time to fulfill my January Vow to write a letter each day:

Some of my letters are apparently taking the scenic route

Unfortunately, I have been as yet unable to mail any of these letters since I am out of stamps and, until today, unable to go out and get more. Sorry for the hold up, massive pile of typewritten pages! You’ll be on your way shortly!

Yeah, that’s right. Spoiler alert: I’m writing all letters on my brand new typewriter! Get excited for endearingly poor punctuation and words oddly broken off because they won’t fit on one line and I don’t really get the auto-return function yet. Don’t you see that makes it more amazing? Of course you do. You can barely contain your excitement, I can tell.

Happy New Year! What’s new with you? Here’s what’s up with me:

1) I had my first trip to the emergency room on Thursday! How exciting! I cut my foot pretty badly on the glass out of a picture frame (why are those things so sharp??) and rather than attempt reattaching it, the doctor decided to just remove the part I’d almost cut off anyway! My dad took some pictures at the time, possibly because he thought being annoyed at him would distract me from the pain of getting part of me cut off, but I’m not going to show you those. You’re welcome. Here is my foot now, four days later:

I included my non-injured foot so you could see the difference

It’s not a huge wound, but apparently you use the side of your foot a lot more than you think, because I’m still hobbling kind of funny. It’s getting better though! And they assured me that the nail would grow back only slightly wonky. I’m pretty sure this is my foot’s revenge for me airing my past grievances about its size to you.

2) Steven made hoppin’ john for New Year’s yesterday, and it was delicious!

He did a great job, despite distrusting ham!

If you didn’t have hoppin’ john yesterday, or at least black eyed peas, you pretty much missed your chances for a lucky 2012, sorry.

3) Remember that letter project I did last January? I’ve decided to do it again this year! Because it was super fun last time! Watch your mailboxes!!

Unfortunately, I'm out of stylish cloud envelopes

4) Here is a Christmas present hat montage for your amusement:

This one came with a scarf!! Thanks, Grandma!!

Penguin and pom poms!!! Thanks, Mom!!!

Totoro totoro! Totoro totoro! Thanks, Secret Santa!!!

Love,
Patricia

Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden

The rest of these won’t be in any order, but I really think this is the ugliest cover I’ve had to stare at this year. It’s a 1982 novel about two high school girls discovering their feelings for each other, and is actually really sweet. I could see it still being enjoyed by readers today, if this cover doesn’t completely turn them off. Hello, lumberjack vests!

Elixir "by" Hilary Duff

Obvs you don’t want the cover art taking away from the real selling point, Hilary Duff’s name, but I feel like I could have made a better one for this book in MSPaint. It’s just a clipart picture of a flower, copied and slightly rotated. Step it up, Hilary Duff’s publicist.

Speaking of covers influenced by Twilight, here are three more:

Sleepless by Cyn Balog

Flowers have something to do with sandmen right?

Bones of Faerie by Janni Lee Simner

If you’re going to go with one thing on black, at least make it a fairy skeleton!

The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti

This was a pretty great non-fiction book by an author who, I’m pretty sure, would completely hate Bella Swan and her representation of femininity. The cover is actually fine on its own, but it earns a place on this list for reminding me of Twilight every time I have to look at it, something you know I can never forgive.

Stork by Wendy Delsol

BLARGHARGHBLARGHRAWR STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, YOU FREAK

The Fairy Godmother by Mercedes Lackey

I’m usually against any book cover where the author name is larger than the title, but this one has other problems too. That font? The attack sparkles? I can’t take it.

Black Hole by Charles Burns

Oh, teeth.

One Butt Cheek at a Time by Amber Kizer

So, I could be wrong, but I think this is the book I read this year that was kind of put together from lots of different suggestions from the author’s blog. I know I read something like that, and hated it, and this cover kind of looks like it was haphazardly designed by the same committee, so I’m going to say it was this one.

The Wedding by Danielle Steel

With the full panoply of Microsoft Office 95 wedding clipart available to you, you chose that?

Hot Gimmick vol. 1 by Miki Aihara

Are your lips deformed? Is your mouth oddly open? I can’t decide which is weirder, but either way it’s ugly.

Lush by Natasha Friend

It’s a book about alcoholism; you had so many options! And you chose random cookie cut out on Carolina Blue. Ugh.

Alanna: The First Adventure by Tamora Pierce

Y’all know I love a good Tamora Pierce, but these new covers they got at the library are graspin. What’s wrong with your face, Alanna? Are you a vampire?

Wild Magic by Tamora Pierce

Daine, you’re having horse-fever hallucinations again.

The Will of the Empress by Tamora Pierce

Either her creepy all-seeing eyes fill the jaundiced sky or she has a huge and really embarrassingly shaped pimple on her nose.

The DUFF by Kody Keplinger

I actually think this cover is kind of appropriate for this book, but that still doesn’t mean I want to look at it.

Hayate the Combat Butler by Kenjiro Hata

You can’t give me a title like that and then just slap a picture of some annoying girl on there. I need to see some combat butlering!

Texas Gothic by Rosemary Clement-Moore

You know I love Rosemary Clement-Moore, but this cover really bothered me (luckily I read the book so fast, it wasn’t for long!). Amy! Close your mouth! Fix your hair! How are you supposed to fight the forces of darkness when you can’t even see straight and you’re choking on bugs??

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs

I didn’t like this book, and I think one of the big reasons is that the cover deceived me. This book is not a creepy-child horror story. This book is about time travel and a considerably more lame version of the X-men.

Already started my list for 2012!!!