I totally just found a website where you can make your own Twilight book!!!!

It’s called “Teen Book By You”. Basically, you tell them the girl character’s name and what color her hair is and the guy character’s name and what color his hair is, and then they mail you a copy of the book that you wrote!! And by wrote, I mean filled in five boxes. Natch the book isn’t the “real” Twilight. It’s called First Bite, and it’s about a klutzy highschool girl who falls in love with a vampire. I did the “preview this book” function, which you should definitely check out. At first I decided to fill in the names with professors at Rice, so that Jane Chance and Dr. Dodds’ dramatic yet secret love story could finally be told. Then I decided that I’ve been so mean to Brian Reinhart on my blog over the past year that it’s definitely time to put forth an olive branch. An olive branch consisting of him realizing his true love for Edward Cullen.

“Did you enjoy the party?” Brian tilted her head and reached up a hand to remove her earrings as she watched Edward in the mirror. That’s another myth gone. His reflection’s as visible as mine.
“Let me,” Edward whispered, circling her ear with one night-cool finger. “Ah, the party. It was interesting. Your friend Rory has a great deal of energy.”
“That’s one way to put it! No fear, no speedometer, no brakes. That’s what she’d say.” Brian smiled fondly. “She’s a good friend.”
“Yes.” He looked deep into the mirror, seeing something she could not find; he forgot to pretend to breathe, lost in thought. Brian waited, curious and concerned, idly admiring the line of his jaw, the sparkle of his black eyes.
A slow nod signaled his return to the moment. “Rory has suspicions about me. About what I am.”
Brian froze. “Are you sure?”
“She seems to have held her ideas for quite some time, on little evidence. Is she one of those who romanticizes my kind? There are many who seem strangely fascinated with my fictional brethren.”
“Well, Rory likes vampire flicks, but she’s no Goth.What exactly did she say?”
Edward repeated the conversation verbatim. “As I said, she has little evidence, but still she persists in her conviction, and I cannot argue. She is, after all, correct about what I do.”
Brian stared at him. “Edward?” Her voice was high and soft. “Would you show me? I mean…what you do? How you feed?”
“I would rather not.” Her face fell, and he had to look away. “If you feel it necessary, I shall. When you are certain. Not until then.” Gentle as the brush of a shadow, he stroked her cheek, kissed her, and vanished into the night, leaving her alone.
Brian lay awake long into the night, falling finally into a restless, dream-haunted sleep about Edward where each ray of sunshine coming through the windows was first his touch, then a brand of fire, alternately pleasure and pain. She woke, sweating and chilled, wondering why she didn’t just turn and run away….

Naturally the problem with this is that, gender confusion aside, it’s better written than the real Twilight. Luckily, for further hilarity, the same website also offers another book called Prom and Prejudice. I assume you can guess what it’s based off of.

And, to apologize further to Brian Reinhart, I thought I would make this about the TRUE love of his life:

…All Classical Music could think about was her missing ring, making it impossible to concentrate on the English test. Brian was offering to help, but that could be as dangerous as failing the test. Classical Music nervously looked up toward her teacher, Mr. Heikkilite. He wasn’t watching her, but she studied him for a moment, attempting to calculate the probability of whether he would look up as she scribbled a note and slid her reply to Brian.

What’s it gonna cost me?

At her inquiry, Brian actually looked hesitant, as if contemplating a deal. Finally he scrawled a reply and pushed the scrap of paper around for to read:

Pretend 2 B my girlfriend?

She looked up at his face, her expression incredulous. He gave her a helpless look and shrugged slightly. She wrote back, carefully printing her response, while keeping an eye on Mr. Heikkilite.

R U insane?

Classical Music watched Brian for a moment, looking for a response. He gave none, other than reaching into his pocket and pulling his hand out – a familiar ring decorating his indexfinger! Classical Music let her mouth drop open in horror and she lunged across the aisle, attempting to retrieve her heirloom. She inadvertently knocked her pen to the floor, attracting Mr. Heikkilite’s attention. She carefully picked up her pen and held it high so that the instructor could see what had caused the commotion. Brian stifled a laugh and placed the ring back in his pocket for safekeeping. If she weren’t afraid that Mr. Heikkilite would fail her, she would have tackled Brian to the floor to get that ring back. Instead, Classical Music glared at him one last time, then skimmed another question, hoping she could focus.
But it was of no use. Squeezing the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger, she nearly groaned in defeat. Twenty-four hours ago she’d been certain that she was leaving for college in the fall. Now, Classical Music was making a deal with the devil. Along the side of her scrap paper she scribbled a note and pushed it toward Brian. He glanced at the message, and a triumphant grin spread over his face, his gleaming brown eyes ablaze, as he read her note.

U know, Hip Hop will never 4give me 4 this.

——
“Wait a minute,” he began, and Classical Music stopped, looking at him curiously. “Look, Classical Music…”
“What? What is it?” she asked, the pained expression on his face making her nervous.
“I want you to go to the prom with me,” Brian blurted out abruptly.
The flush of happiness that covered her face was short-lived when she remembered their deal and the real reason he was inviting her. “I see,” Classical Music said quietly. “So this is the final straw to make your ex even more jealous?”
“No, Classical Music.” Brian laughed a bit awkwardly. “I mean, I want you to go with me − not as part of the plan − but as my date.”
Her eyes widened and she frowned slightly, replaying his words in her head to make sure she understood. “Your real date?”
“Yeah, my date. Who better to take than my best friend?” he responded in a murmur. There was an awkward pause as Brian waited for a response and Classical Music stood staring through him. Brian cleared his throat to break the silence.
“I really should get to class,” Classical Music finally replied, and started to walk past him.
“Please, Classical Music,” he stated simply. Something in his voice caused her to turn and face him. “I’ll understand if you don’t want to go with me, but just give me an answer. Yes or no?”
Her hazel eyes gazed directly into his brown ones. The tension in her chest seemed to release, and she found herself smiling again. “Yes, Brian. I’ll go to the prom with you.”

And they lived happily ever after I’m sure. Perhaps my favorite part of this website are the comments from customers:

“Gave my 15-year-old ‘First Bite’ since she’s such a fan of supernatural novels. She was thrilled and couldn’t wait to show her friends her own gothic love story. (…) I especially like that the leads are both smart and love books, and though there’s plenty of passion things aren’t too ‘adult’ or graphic. Though I’m sure my daughter wouldn’t have minded, considering how ‘hot’ the hero was (her words).”

“I bought Prom & Prejudice for my younger brother, who’s 12 and obsessed with football. He and his best friend (he ‘played’ the heroine’s funny sidekick) thought it was hilarious. My brother loved that he got to be the star player who saves the day without being a perfect goody-two-shoes. I’ll be buying my own copy so me and my boyfriend can play the leads. Thanks!”

Clearly these will be what everyone I know is getting for Christmas.

Ragnarok
The thing most people remember about John Cross is how he played Ragnarok pretty much constantly. I know you hear that a lot about people at Rice, how they play WoW all the time, but with John Cross I really mean CONSTANTLY. I was always surprised when he stopped for food. He certainly didn’t stop for class. Sure, if you asked him if he’d gone, he’d say “Yes” despite still being in the same position as when you left, and still in pajamas, but we all knew the truth. There was even a facebook group for awhile called something like “I’m John Cross: I’m too baller to go to class” whose tagline was definitely “I don’t even care that I got a 32% in Physics”.

Stealing things
John Cross was also highly suggestible. He would just do things because you suggested them. Seriously. One time at the beginning of school I went out to eat with him and Josh Langsfeld and this happened:
John: (looking at knife) This cutlery is really nice
Me: You should take it
John: Okay (takes knife)
slightly later
John: Wait, why do I have this knife?
Me: I have no idea
It was like he had no agency of his own most of the time, and the few times he did he would use it to either A) do absolutely nothing or B) do something completely ridic.

“I’m living with you guys next year, I swear”
As you may expect, Rice took some exception to John Cross’ cavalier attitude about grades. At least three times he signed up to be roommates with Josh, Rob, and Adam and then just did not show up. They would always discover he wasn’t living with them when Alex A. or Adam Ellsworth or whoever called and this happened:

Alex: So I’m totally living with you guys next year!! Should I bring anything?
Josh: What? No you’re not.
Alex: Yeah, I am.
Josh: What about John Cross?
Alex: Who?

And then we’d call John Cross and he’d either not answer, make vague promises, or, my personal favorite, “I’m going to Australia. As like… a study abroad thing?” Later he changed this story to “Arizona”. Probably he was actually in Cleveland the whole time, but I like to think of him as an Indiana Jonesque adventurer, traveling the world and being generally uninterested.

Soft Serve Machine
John Cross claimed to have a soft serve machine at home, and enrage us by not bringing it to Rice. He would say that it was too big, and we would despair. I posit that, given all the other pathological lying he did, John Cross never actually had a soft serve machine, but Rachel still holds a torch.

Two Dog Faces
A member of THE 434 who shall remain nameless could never remember what John Cross actually looked like, despite seeing him regularly. When asked, Anonymous THE 434 Member would claim that John “had like a split face, with two different sides” or “looked kind of like a dog. Not in a bad way”. Eventually a compromise was decided and it was proclaimed one night (I’m sure in the OC lounge, site of many such momentous occasions) that John Cross had “two dog faces”.

Richenda
This is by far everyone’s favorite John Cross story, maybe because it stars someone else. During sophomore year when John Cross was living off campus, he told us a high school friend of his named Richenda was coming to see him, so we all went out to eat. When we tried to ask Richenda about Highschool John Cross, she and John Cross would just sort of look at each other and giggle. When we asked her what she did, she said she “worked in websites” and then later claimed to be a model. It quickly became apparent that they did not know each other from highschool, that they had, in fact, never met before. Yes, they had met on Ragnarok.

It’s at the same time more and less sketchy than you’re thinking. She stayed at his apartment for two, maybe three months, sleeping in his room while he slept in an arm chair in the living room. She would make fun of him, and he would giggle. He would show up with weird bruises and explain offhandedly that Richenda had kicked him. Once, while sitting between them, Rachel had the disturbing experience of nearly being kicked-bit (when you try to kick and bite someone at the same time) by Richenda while she was aiming for John Cross.

The End?
Then, of course, John Cross never came back–naturally telling no one–though Richenda stayed in town and for all I know still lives there working at the sushi restaurant in the Village. We would sometimes try to call him, but eventually gave up. Where are you now, John Cross? Another mission as a world-renowned secret spy? Spreading your legend around the world? Sitting in your parents’ basement playing Ragnarok? The world may never know. I have fond hopes that one day we will meet in an airport and the dramatic truth about John Cross will be revealed. Until that day, I guess we can only celebrate his birthday, and wonder.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of snipping the hole in the piping bag too large so the “noodles” ended up being gigantic.

They still taste good though

The “sauce” is really just strawberry preserves.

Then I remembered I can’t do Servery Challenges anymore, so I waited to bring you a Very Special Valentine’s Day Top Cocktail Special.

Special thanks to James Fox for his MSPaint Skillz

Four Competitors! Ten minutes! … and one bottle of Chocovine!

See the entires and the results here:

First across the finish line, in the vain hope that points will be awarded for speed (which has only happened once, by celebrity guest judge Arya during the Burgers Out Of Not Burgers Servery Challenge of late 2009), is Patricia Ladd, discoverer of Chocovine and impetus behind this very competition. But will her courage, fortitude, speed, creativity, excellent writing skills, smooth alphabetization, and stellar blog writing be enough against this tough competition? WE SHALL SEE. Hoping to capitalize on the Twilight market, Patricia has christened her drink “Vampire Blood” due to its reddish brownish color and syrupy consistency.

Cool under pressure, Patricia poses her in front of the World's Largest Crossword

“Vampire Blood”
Serves: 2, by the time you’re done messing up
Chocovine
Caramel Hot Chocolate Mix
Sloe Gin
Plain Yogurt
Cream
Maybe some other stuff I grabbed

1. Mix everything together in a cup
2. Taste
3. Try to add things to make it taste better
4. Fail at pouring
5. Try to add more things with minimal success
6. Turn to sabotage

With no presentational skills whatsoever, will the judges be impressed by this hastily mixed drink?

Not next to finish, but the next least ridiculous, is first time Servery Challenge Competitor Steven Wiggins, with his drink that I forget the name of. I will therefore be referring to it as “Freckles”.

Steven Wiggins, bringing fresh talent and new ideas to the Servery Challenge game

“Freckles”
Serves: 1
Frozen Strawberries
Chocovine
Orange Brandy
Amaretto
Vanilla Extract
Ice
Chocolate Chips for garnish

1. Blend frozen strawberries
2. Blend everything else
3. Garnish with chocolate chips

Speaking of garnish, two-time Servery Challenge winner James Fox (who sailed to victory with his Japanese pagoda and ketchup lake in the Best Structure Made of French Fries Servery Challenge of 2007) once again brings his considerable talents to the table with his “Raspberry Truffle Kerfuffle”, a drink that certainly looks the part.

To be fair, I only own one classy glass.

“Raspberry Truffle Kerfuffle”
Serves: 1
Chocovine
Frozen raspberries
Lindor truffles (floating)
Reese’s Cup (garnish)

1. Blend Raspberries and chocovine
2. ASSEMBLE!

Last, and by no means least, Rachel Kinney, Servery Challenge Veteran, graced us with one of her startling creations the likes of which I have not seen since her abstract food sculpture, “The Wedding Night”, entered into Servery Challenge: Bridal Catering Edition 2009. Inspired by the McNuggetini, Rachel calls her creation “The Squidstache”, although judges began referring to it as “Willy Wonka’s Nightmare” early on in the judging process.

This is the only way you CAN look after trying this drink

“Squidstache”
Serves: No one, hopefully
Chocovine
Wendy’s Frosty
Chocolate Pudding
Caramel Hot Chocolate Mix
Tequila
Other Unspeakable Things
Marshmallows (garnish)
French fries (garnish)

1. Just throw things in!
2. Try not to throw up

Because there was no celebrity guest judge, the contest was put to popular vote for the first time in Servery Challenge history. The process was long and at times disgusting. Mostly just when dealing with Rachel’s, but still.

Annoying Dramatic Recap As Per Reality Show Requirements

Will it be Patricia Ladd's Vampire Blood that, at least, manages to be edible?

Will it be Steven Wiggins' "Freckles" that just tastes kind of like pudding?

Will it be James Fox's "Raspberry Truffle Kerfuffle" with its enterprising use of Reese's Cups?

Or Rachel Kinney's abomination in the eyes of God and science?

Spoiler alert: the winner was Steven. We all decided we kind of liked pudding. James’ won Best Presentation, Rachel’s won Most Innovative, and I won Looking Best In the Pictures. Truly, a Servery Challenge for the ages. And not just because the taste of Rachel’s drink will haunt my tastebuds’ nightmares forever more.

Made up Positions I’ve Given Myself
Wiess Resident Expert in Speculative Zoology
Wiess Breakfast Rep
Wiess Mr. Potato Head Rep
Co-comics Rep
Resident Witch Doctor
Wiess Librarian
Interior Decorator to the Presidential Suite (after we wallpapered Hiren’s room with water colors, mostly of him being eaten by monsters)
Hairologist
Apprentice Mad Scientist
Wiess Zombie Attack Consultant
Awkward Breakfast Conversation Rep (I still am this)
Wiess Astrologer
Chief Phallic Symbol Recognizer
Wiess Soothsayer
Official BFF to James K. Polk
Noted April Fool’s Day Victim
Noted “the crazy” of the sophomore class by Doward
Wiess Pieologist
Inventor of the Snake Warmer
Wiess Egg Salad Rep
Official BFF to Stephen Hawking

I did so much for Wiess. No wonder I got that award.

Things I’ve Done Instead of Going to Class (first semester)
Homework for that class
Homework for another class
Sleep
Crossword puzzles
Watch movies
Talk to Michael Curtis
Eat lunch
Stare at people from 2nd Floor Fondren
Read
Buy interesting hats
Watch the rain
Have a dance party
Listen to Rocky Horror Picture Show and sing loudly
Leave anonymous love notes for Steven Wiggins
Look up lame pick up lines online
Have consumption
Flirt outrageously

I assume this was first semester sophomore year, since first semester freshman Patricia was MAD conscientious. Also, Steven Wiggins was IN my class, so it would’ve been hard to leave secret love notes. These notes, by the way, would always say things like “If I said you had a corpus bellus would you hold it against me?” He would usually just correct my Latin.

Prof. Derrick Quotes List
“I think it’s nice that a woman with a hump can be erotically successful in our appearance driven society”–about the song “My Humps” by Fergie
“There are magic stones that keep you from perspiring for six years”
“There are little communities of creatures living a happy life inside us–Are they our friends?”
“If gender didn’t exist we would all be orcs”
“Let’s just talk about men. Anyone got any secret beer here?”
“Whenever there’s a discussion of voles, I’m there.”
“Men are a lot like voles; blind, burrowing rodents.”
“If you really want to be completely and perfectly free, you’ve got to kill everybody”
“Maybe we can have voles transplanted into us”
“I’m going to devote myself to using the word Cheetalicious some time today”
“Humanities are a cover. We make the University seem like it’s interested in pure knowledge because we’re useless”
“Build model guillotines and use them on your friends”
“It’s unfortunate that Hamlet sounds so much like omelet. Discuss”
“Mary Tyler Moore plays herself. That is, she’s a bitch.”
“Can you love a cow enough? Not within the limits of the law”
“My goal in life is to lose so many [pairs of glasses] that there’ll be a pair wherever I go”
“My children have actually been lost in shopping malls because we’re criminally negligent”
“Job goes to God and says, ‘What the fuck is going on?’”
“I also kind of had day dreams that I was a deer”
“I can’t talk about Lacon and the phallus because you would just make fun of me if I did”
(holds up pen) “All women writers are hermaphrodite monsters because what does this look like?”
“If you have a hog and choose to wash it, try to do so in an ecologically sound manner.”

Types of Music According to Josh
Emo music
Circus music

Reasons why I owe Josh Smoothies
Throwing a pen at his eye
Mocking dinosaur ancestors
Throwing a peanut at his eye
Taping photoshopped velociprator breasts to his window

Reasons why Josh owes me a smoothie
“How does it feel, Patricia?”
Claiming I’m not really a librarian

There are more, but they are all but impossible to read. I will maybe bury this notebook in my yard to confound future civilizations.

Interpretation
Clearly the fates want THE 434 back together again, and are telling me to make it so though my dreams. Also, my subconscious wants me to eat more salad.

Last Night’s Dream 2
I was outside Harris Teeter loading large pallets of yogurt into my car (apparently I had just bought their entire supply for some reason) when I got a phone call from Andrew Fox, who said he wanted to wish me a happy birthday. I said my birthday was in four months, and he said he was really busy so he was trying to knock out the easy things on his to do list early. He then apologized for not illustrating the children’s book about ducks I gave him (that part is actually real), and when I sarcastically said, “I KNOW, GOD, slacker,” he yelled at me for calling him at school. Just before he hung up, I heard the old sound the bell at my high school used to make, so I assume he was attending classes at St. Pete High for some reason. Then I realized while I had been talking to him, someone had stolen all of my yogurt.

Interpretation
The yogurt represents my childhood dreams, and my vain attempts to shelter them from the onslaughts of the real world. Clearly my subconscious is trying to tell me that Andrew Fox will play an unwitting part in their destruction. TOO BAD, Andrew. I am going to FIND Pangaea and its chocolate milk rivers, and you and your confusing phone calls will never stop me!

Yeah, I was pretty sure I could find Pangaea Indiana Jones style, and that it would have chocolate milk rivers. But if that doesn’t pan out, I think I could become a dream interpreter pretty easily.

This cover has almost nothing to do with the plot

The Splendor Falls by Rosemary Clement-Moore. I have made a check list for comparison.

1. Main character: Sylvie Davis v. Bella Swan

Sylvie Davis

Imagine a tutu instead of a cheerleading outfit and snarkiness instead of 80s hair

Backstory: 17-Year-Old international ballet sensation until the tragic accident that broke her leg. She’s better now, but with mom remarried she is forced to go spend the summer at her dead father’s family’s plantation mansion in Middle of Nowhere, Alabama.

Hobbies: Wishing she could still dance, talking to her adorable dog, solving mysteries, gardening, fighting the undead, historical research, being a reincarnation of an Ancient Welsh princess

Secret abilities: MAGIC, seeing dead people, and being from an Old Southern family

Growth throughout the book: She changes from a depressed, slightly snobby New Yorker into a ghost-fighting, mystery-solving True Daughter of the South.

When the going gets tough, she: runs headlong into the haunted woods totally ignoring her limp or personal safety.

Bella Swan

If I crease my forehead, it will look like I have emotions, which is more acting than you're doing, Robert

Backstory: When her mother remarries, she moves in with her father in Middle of Nowhere, Washington. That’s about it.

Hobbies: fulfilling the traditional woman’s role, falling down, EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD

Secret abilities: fainting, construing abuse as love

Growth throughout the book: She changes from a vapid, personalityless shell to a vapid, personalityless shell with a defining characteristic! Unfortunately, that’s dependence on a sparklepire.

When the going gets tough, she: swoons and then patiently waits for a big strong man to save her

2. Setting: Alabama v. Washington
Creepy Alabama

Take Disney's Haunted Mansion ride and add a sassy cook

Settings include Creepy Haunted Mansion with adjoining haunted forest, nearby small town of Mayberry Maddox Falls which apparently has good pie, creepy Civil War Era ghost town complete with creepy prison and grad student archeologists.

Product of: Actual research

Forks, Washington

I included this google image of it since that's all Stephenie Meyer knows either

Settings include rainy forest, rainy beaches, rainy Bella’s house, rainy school, rainy glass vampire house. Guess which is the only one described in any detail.

Product of: A fever dream and stereotypes

3. Villain: Every other character plus some ghosts v. the second dumbest vampire ever
Ghost Confederate soldiers/oddly charismatic student body president guy/hot Welsh guy/industry/the Self

One of the great things about The Splendor Falls is that it’s a mystery with suspense (words italicized so SMeyers will realize they are vocab words she needs to look up and use in a sentence or a novel). Therefore, until the last few chapters, it’s impossible to know who the bad guy is. But practically every other character is a suspect including Sylvie herself, since for awhile she thinks she’s going crazy (you know, a rational response to seeing the undead). Other possible suspects include: her ancestor the mean Southern colonel’s malevolent ghost, a shrieking ghost girl who turns out to be his disgraced daughter, a sad ghost baby (you can probs see where that subplot is going), the unquiet Union prisoner dead, Shawn Maddox the oddly charismatic leader of the Teen Town Council who, despite their idiotic name, are clearly UP TO SOMETHING NO GOOD/voodoo, and Rhys, a secretive Welsh hottie staying at the mansion/hotel and “doing research” that involves sneaking off into the woods and telling Sylvie she’s in grave danger but never elaborating.

When men get pushy, secretive, and generally act like asshats, Sylvie: tells them to stop being a dick, stops talking to them, walks away, avoids them

Some vampire

I know he has a name, but I doubt SMeyers even remembers it he was such a minor character

I mean, I’m sure this guy tried to be menacing, but when you’re introduced on page 400 there’s not much you can do besides take your shirt off, foil the main characters’ idiotic plans with your own only slightly less stupid ones, and hope for the best.

When men get pushy, stalkity, and completely abusive, Bella: falls even deeper in LOVE

4. Love Interest: Rhys v. Edward

Rhys

I typed "Hot Welsh Guy" into Google images and Christian Bale came up

Despite saving Sylvie from plummeting off a cliff this one time and being really considerate about her still hurt leg, Rhys may also be the bad guy considering how he’s 1) way too snarky, 2) sneaks off all the time to do something, 3) will not share what it is and gets way cryptic when you try to ask, and 4) may or may not have dropped a mine shaft on his BFF back in Wales. Also he may be a voodoo wizard?

His hotness: is no excuse for his jerkiness. Good job, Sylvie. Way to have priorities.

Edward

I tried to find one where his hair looks the most ridic, but it was too hard to choose

Edward’s main attraction is that he is the hottest male ever in any species (above picture apparently notwithstanding). He’s also way good at every possible skill, including entomology. But he may also be a villain considering that he’s a vampire and may rip Bella apart at any time and feast upon her flesh. I personally consider him to be a villain because he never does this. All the other reasons that he is a “love interest” revolve around being domineering and abusive, so I count it towards evidence for his impending trial rather than reasons why he is a mysterious and exciting male lead.

His hotness: is a license to stalk. And can blind unwitting motorists. Apparently.

5. The Plot: Constant Confusion vs. Constant Boredom

The Splendor Falls
I feel like I need some kind of complex flow chart to explain this plot. But when I tried it I got this:

And that is ignoring some of the subplots

I seriously still did not know what was going on till the last chapter.

Twilight
Happily (or sadly), Twilight’s was so easy to draw, that I even took time to add labels:

I thought about writing out more of the characters' names, but then realized I don't remember them for a reason

6. Authors: Rosemary Clement-Moore v. Stephenie Meyer

Rosemary Clement-Moore
Although her website is way less syrupy and self-indulgent than SMeyer’s, Rosemary seems to be pretty bitchin’. She lists Arsenic and Old Lace, Firefly, Guitar Hero, and Jasper Fforde as some of her favorites, which means that we could sit next to each other on a bus and become instant BFFs. However, she doesn’t seem crazy, which is something I like in my authors.

Stephenie Meyer
And crazy is one area where SMeyer doesn’t disappoint. I don’t even know what to say here because there are TOO MANY options. First, she wrote Twilight. Second, it came to her in a dream. Third, she claims to be in love with the main characters. Fourth, she went to the trouble to explain how Edward can deal with being around Bella when she’s menstruating (and her explanation is ridic). There’s more, but I’m sick of thinking about Twilight. Oddly, I think this round goes to SMeyer, simply because she enriches my life with her crazy. And by that I mean, I like laughing at her.

Splendor Falls: 5 Twilight: -8,999
I took off points for how long it took me to slog through.

Terrified
I looked around
For the Twilight photoshoot
But there was none

The next morning I woke up at 8
Annoyed about going to work on a Saturday
As I am every Saturday
I got dressed and went downstairs
I looked out the window

WHITE

I was not going to work today.

I ran upstairs and jumped on Steven.
“SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW!”
“mmrrrhhhmmmgoaway”
“GET UP! LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!”
“mmmrrrhhhdontwanna”
“WE’RE GOING OUTSIDE TO PLAY!”

I dragged Steven outside
He said he would get pneumonia
I told him it was good for him
Then I found a trash can lid and tried to sled.

Our solar panel is sad

The night it began I was at
Harris Teeter
Because Steven had discovered at the last minute
That our milk was bad
and he needed it to make tortillas.

There were so many people
(I parked across the street)
It seemed like everyone was a college student
Buying beer and wine
Or a mom buying cat food.

I stood in line for the self check out
With my one bottle of milk
In the middle of the shampoo aisle
When from the front of the store
We heard someone shout
“It’s snowing!”

And getting home was a bitch.