According to my spreadsheet, I’m about 82% done with this project! So far I have spent roughly 99 hours watching Sam Neill movies and TV. Which is insane. But I’ve been at this for more than 8 months now.

This week I watched three movies where Sam Neill is a father figure!! Dads might be tied with crazy people and mean businessmen for Sam Neill’s Most Acted Roles. And one of today’s characters might just be all three!

Daybreakers (2009)

Like the Matrix with vampires instead of machines

The Movie: Vampires are now the dominant species on the planet! Houses and cars have UV protection shields, everyone drinks blood in their coffee, and humans are captured and rounded up for use in blood farms. Except they’re running out of blood and as starvation sets in they begin to turn into creepy bat-monsters with none of the suave coolness we expect from our modern vampires. But don’t worry! Sam Neill’s company is on the case! His scientists are totally trying to find a blood substitute that doesn’t make the drinker… explode violently. Except then his most brilliant scientist/secret human sympathizer gets kidnapped by humans!

Doesn't matter how attractive you are; you'll always look stupid in fake vampire teeth

Also, his name’s Edward, but this was oddly never played for irony. At Secret Human Refugee Camp, Edward meets an ex-vampire hillbilly named Elvis, who somehow got turned human one day during a car accident that exposed him to the sun and then plunged him into a lake to stop the burning. Because that… makes sense…? Whatever, they pull the same stunt on Edward and he’s cured! Unfortunately, his vampire brother tracks him down and bites Elvis… and then he’s cured too? Apparently biting an ex-vampire is also a… because… WHATEVER TIME TO TAKE DOWN THE BIG BOSS. Ed basically tricks Sam Neill into biting him, thus curing him of his vampirism, and then leaves him tied up so that his sweet human blood will distract the guards, who then take part in a disturbing feeding/becoming human/getting eaten cycle of gore. The final shot is Elvis driving our heroes into the sunrise, setting off to cure the rest of vampire society.

And yet, the plot still makes more sense than any other movie about a vampire named Edward I can think of

Regardless of the questionable idea of a “vampire cure”, I still liked this movie. It was interesting to see a conception of what a vampire society would be like, and also a slightly different take on vampire mythology than I’ve seen before i.e. that they only become monster-like when deprived of human blood.

The Character: Sam Neill plays Charles Bromley, the vampire CEO of a company that supplies the vampire world with blood. Unlike other randomly ruthless businessmen he’s played, Charles actually has a sympathetic back story, in that he was about to die of cancer before becoming a vampire. Yay, more time to spend with his daughter! Except she thinks vampires are monsters and goes into hiding.

Whatever, Sam Neill is the CLASSIEST vampire

Sam Neill hires Edward’s brother to track her down and make her one of them, but then she goes crazy and willingly turns herself into a starved bat monster, and Sam Neill has no choice but to order her execution along with the others. So probably not getting anything great for Father’s Day this year.

What I Learned: Vampires are easy to spot because they have glow-in-the-dark yellow eyes.

You should watch this if you like: actually scary vampires; “science”

Bicentennial Man (1999)

171 excruciating minutes of Robin Williams

The Movie: Unlike a lot of the movies I’ve watched for this project, it’s possible you’ve seen this one. It’s based on an Asimov story and I remember it being kind of a big deal when it came out. Or at least, I remember people talking about it, which is more than I can say for most movies from this project. I don’t remember why I didn’t see it at the time, but my guess would be because it’s over two hours long but feels like five. Robin Williams is an android named Andrew acquired by Sam Neill for his family. His wife and older daughter are creeped out by it, but his younger daughter forms a nauseating attachment to it. Unlike other robots, Andrew can build and create because of some kind of mechanical anomaly. The robot eventually gains its freedom, travels the world to search for others of its kind, and comes back with a body upgrade to make it look like Robin Williams, because of course that’s what you would choose. Then it falls in love with Sam Neill’s great-granddaughter and petitions the world court for human rights, eventually installing its own mortality so that it and its marriage to a human woman can be considered real.

Yeah, Sam Neill died in the first third of this movie but I kept on watching. For you.

The Character: Sam Neill plays Richard Martin, the dad who originally purchases Andrew for his family. He’s the one most excited about the technology, and stands up for Andrew’s rights when the company tries to recall him and reprogram him to be a “normal” robot. He also decides to teach Andrew about life, but crankily refuses to let him buy his freedom, eventually banishing him from the house because of it, only to repent on his death bed. Still unclear on if he would sanction his descendant’s sketchy robot union.

Also he and his wife drink wine and play chess in the evening. Because they are enlightened future people.

I guess I just found it hard to suspend my disbelief. Like, if you are going to marry an aging robot, why one that looks like Robin Williams?

What I Learned: Robots are just as boring as people.

You should watch this if you like: long, drawn out stories about feelings

The Zookeeper (2001)

It's tough being a father figure to a kid with an AK-47 and a nicotine addiction

The Movie: Ludovic stays behind after everyone else evacuates the Eastern European city where he works as a zookeeper because someone has to look out for these animals! The soldiers are threatening and scary, and it’s possible that he and the animals both will starve to death or be killed in fiery explosions. Eventually a badass old-before-his-time street child and his mother seek refuge in the zoo, and Ludovic is gruff and annoyed, but tries to hide them from the soldiers. After a final night of heavy bombing during which most of the animals die, Ludovic finally agrees to leave the zoo and escape with the mother and son. Of course the mother is dramatically shot just when you think everyone is safe, but Ludovic, the boy, and a cute wolf puppy all make it to a UN camp.

Also, this happens, and suddenly EVERYTHING IS WORTH IT I LOVE YOU SAM

The Character: Sam Neill is Ludovic, who seems to have a lot of demons in his past. He really just wants to hide from the outside world inside the zoo, keeping to his quiet routine without being bothered. But the sad little boy with his chilling willingness to shoot a man for cigarettes eventually wins his pity, and he tries to help him realize that some things Aren’t His Fault, and it’s okay to cry or feel sad. Sam Neill’s Eastern European accent was a little weird, but I think that’s just because I’m so used to his regular one.

Also, at one point he bribes the mean soldier captain to go away with a baby lion

What I Learned: Sam Neill explains to his doomed veterinarian friend that even if a bottle seems empty, there’s always 13 drops left. Truly, hope springs eternal.

You should watch this if you like: grim war movies; children with PTSD, animals!!

Previously: Creepster Edition
Next: Lepers

Oh yeah

The Calculus

My mom lent me the annotated teacher’s edition of this text book, Calculus: Graphical, Numerical, Algebraic. AP* Edition. Plus a solution’s manual! Combined with my vague memories of junior year, we should be all set!

The answers are in blue, but we usually hide them with a card

We’ve actually been doing this for a little while (before we thought of the cocktails part, see below) so this was section 2.2 Limits Involving Infinity. It involved a lot more looking at graphs to decide things than either of us remember doing in highschool, but maybe that’s because I’ve blocked out everything before chapter 3.3 (I peeked ahead) and Steven went to highschool back when calculators probably filled entire rooms.

I mean, he is turning 27 this weekend; so old right now!

The Cocktails

Of course, Steven has always been into making fancy drinks (and food, for that matter), but things really took off two weeks ago, on Carrboro Day(!), when he bought an in-depth book about cocktails from the Carrboro branch library book sale.

A dollar well spent.

It not only has lots of recipes (and good pictures!) but information on how various liquors and liqueurs are made, how to make fancy garnishes, and the history of liquor and specific cocktails. Exciting!

These were the two he made yesterday:

For me, a Jamaica Sunday

So maybe I drank half of it before remembering to take a picture

Ingredients: 2 measures dark rum, 1/4 measure honey, 1/2 measure lime juice, 2 measures sparkling lemonade

You combine the honey and rum first, then add the lime juice, and finally the lemonade.

This drink was great, especially since I really like lime. It wasn’t too sweet or sticky like some cocktails, and the honey+rum combination made both of them taste better. Steven thought it was too strong-tasting, but he never had his taste buds sanded off by Taaka, so there it is.

For himself, Steven unashamedly made the Pink Pussycat.

Totally confident in his gender identity

Ingredients: 2 measures gin, 3 measures pineapple juice, 2 measures grapefruit juice, 1/2 measure grenadine

Just shake em all up together.

Steven really liked this drink and recommends it to anyone who doesn’t like tasting alcohol, but likes grapefruit. I didn’t, because all I could taste was the pineapple juice, a flavor I like, but not on its own.

In conclusion, this is the best combination of things ever!!! Thank you, alliteration.

Next time: Chapter 2.3, Continuity and probably something involving sweet tea vodka

It’s Goddess Girls time again!!! Now that we’re caught up, we can read them in order! This is Book 7, Artemis the Loyal.

Totally misleading cover; nothing this exciting ever happens

Summary of Amazingness
By Patricia
The Olypmics are coming up, when all the boys at Mount Olympus Academy compete against boys from other schools in exciting athletic events! Artemis is angry that, even though she’s a great athlete, she can’t participate, so decides to petition Zeus to start a girls-only Olypmics for fairness. Meanwhile, her brother Apollo is mad at her for always trying to help him and making him look weak, so he decides to participate in the scariest Olympic event of all: matching wits with the Parnassus Python! Plus, Actaeon is totally crushing on her, and maybe one of the rival giant athletes is too?? Eventually, Zeus agrees to the girl games after his new fiance Hera wheedles it out of him and Apollo steps up to show that boys support it too.

In the book this confrontation involves a lot less fighting and a lot more lame riddles

Faithfulness to Original Mythos
By Steven
Let’s be clear about this one: this was a story completely written for its own sake with very little effort (or apparently desire) to reinterpret any given myth in a new context. Thus trying to rate the faithfulness to any original mythos would be an apples-to-oranges comparison. Having said that, there are a few original mythical themes that raise their heads in this book, most notably the interaction between Artemis, the hunter Actaeon, and his transformation into a stag. Artemis takes offense at an action of Actaeon’s, transforms him into a stag, and he is subsequently pursued by hounds. I know that’s an extremely high-level summary of the original myth, but that’s about as close to it as the book’s version comes. In the original, Actaeon accidentally stumbles upon the virginal goddess being bathed by her nymph attendants and his (unintentional) sacrilege in viewing her uncoveredm—perhaps he lingered a little too long to watch?—is the catalyst for Artemis’ vengeful transformation. In that version, his own hounds do as they were trained and take up the pursuit of their erstwhile master in stag form, eventually taking him down and tearing him to pieces. The book’s version is much tamer; Actaeon makes fun of the already sensitive goddess-girl and is temporarily transformed out of pique, being chased by a visiting giant as well as her own hounds until she hurriedly rescinds the transformation to save him.
Other than that, the whimsical tale of pre-teen romance between Artemis and her two suitors, Actaeon and Otus (an actual admirer/suitor of Artemis after a stalker-y fashion in the original myth), is pretty much spun out of whole cloth. The only other major reference worth mentioning is the creation of the Heraean Games, an actual female-only athletic competition which may have functioned as Greek women’s foil to the all-male Olympics. Of course, in the actual Greek Olympics, unlike the book, there would have been no female spectators at the games on pain of a long walk over a short cliff. Still, bonus points for trying, right?

Steven is continually disappointed that this series doesn't contain the nudity and bloodshed he's accustomed to in Greek mythology

Tween Girl Life Lessons
By Patricia
1) Want to convince someone in authority of something, ladies? You either need to use your wiles or get male backing. Who cares if 60 girls signed Artemis’ petition? It’s the page of BOY signatures Apollo was able to get that really count
2) When twins are identical, one of them is always evil
3) Just because you’re ten minutes older, doesn’t mean you get to mother your brother to death.

Steven’s Favorites!
Character: Otus the giant. He really lives up to the bringer-of-civilization reputation he had in Greek myth, even if they don’t make mention of it.
Part: Artemis’ first encounter with the Python. I couldn’t help but root for the snake!
Thing I Learned: ‘Saying uncle’ in ancient Greece was enough to get you released by the terrible mythological monster of your choice. Why didn’t all the heroes try that instead of all the fighting? Seems a lot less tiring.

Patricia’s Favorites!!
Character: Actaeon! Way to take it in stride when you’re turned into a stag and hunted by giants, guy.
Part: When Artemis completely failed to disguise herself as a boy to enter the games and SHOW THEM ALL WHAT GIRLS CAN DO. Why did this not even occur to her?? She already has an identical twin it is completely perfect.
Thing I Learned: Giants practice bride kidnapping and it’s okay because that’s their culture

Previously:
Book 1, Book 2, Book 3, Book 4, Book 5, Book 6

Sturdy, but ugly

I’ve never done anything like this before, but it was super easy! The first step is adding a coat of primer:

Remembering to tape around the hinges/handles/lock thing

Then after that dries a second coat of primer, just for fun:

I could've probably done a better job, but I was trying to finish before it started raining

Then, once that dries, it’s modge podge time! I got the kind for furniture, and just started carefully tearing/cutting out pages and gluing them onto the trunk.

Does it make me a bad librarian that I enjoyed it?

Don’t worry, it was just a collection of D. H. Lawrence short stories. And it’s not like it’s gone! Its spirit lives on in this way cool trunk I now own.

Anyway, my bottle of modge podge ran out after covering the trunk with pages and then applying a top coat. And when I went to buy more, well, you know how it is. I basically couldn’t help buying the SPARKLE version, it’s like an addiction. To glitter. So the top two coats may be incredibly sparkly.

Though you probably can't tell because by this time it was night.

Super exciting!! And easy! And I didn’t have to buy a bunch of supplies I’ll never use again. I guess besides the half a can of primer I still have left.

I still have quite a few old books I don’t know what to do with from that rescue, but you can bet I’m looking around my apartment for more things that need decorating!

Big enough to carry some books!

I already had a heavy denim needle and thread for my machine from the jean skirt I made, so this was a relatively quick, easy project.

Here's the back

I ended up using almost all of the jeans!

Let MSPaint and I show you how!

I started off following this tutorial with a few changes. For instance, I did a lot less fitting to my flap, and sewed it to the outside instead of the inside. Also, my straps are a lot longer!

I can’t wait for Steven to try to get rid of more clothes!!

Also this time I took notes during the competition so I don’t have to guess about what was in each thing!!! Instead, I have to decipher my own abbreviations, which is perhaps just as difficult. Also for the first time, I decided we would vote by actually writing our choice down on secret ballot instead of blurting it out one by one. This was to keep Rob from trying to game the vote so that he wins, despite forcing us to drink pickles and strawberries or whatever. I think it worked out pretty well!

The Entries

Berry Good Time by Megan

Megan’s entry tasted pretty much just like strawberry milk, which is delicious. And nothing is ever hurt by the addition of whipped cream and sprinkles. It also had the added interactive component of having to figure out which straw hadn’t been used when it was handed to you. Fun AND educational! Megan’s strategy of using as little chocovine as possible definitely helped in the taste department, though I’m not sure how much it “makes chocovine palatable” as per the rules. I guess she could be showing us that the best way to drink chocovine is not to.

Chocolate Cherry Surprise by Rob

Rob claimed that this was “the least prepared” he’s ever been for a servery challenge, which, thinking back to when these actually took place in a servery, I can’t believe is true. Instead of just throwing random things from my cupboard into a cup, he at least tried to go with a theme. Unfortunately, that theme was fake cherry flavor, so to me his drink tasted kind of like cough syrup. I know other people are more a fan of that, though, so I don’t judge. The whipped cream and the kirsch mixed made the whipped cream go a little globby and gross-looking, and the tiny balls he cut out of the milk straws didn’t fully dissolve. Still, everyone agreed, WAY better than strawberries and pickles.

Fuck, What's The Name of Mine by Steven

Steven made a kind of chocovine milkshake that turned out to be surprisingly tasty! In fact, many of us asked for seconds! I think it helped that it was served chilled, thanks to the ice cream. The intense cold blocked out a lot of the gross aftertaste you often get with chocovine, and let you just concentrate on the chocolate. He decided on the name moments after remembering that you needed a name, and I think it shows.

ChocoPuddingVine by Patricia

Since this was my fourth chocovine challenge, I decided I had to go for something different to really set mine apart. Instead of making a drink, I decided to just replace half the milk in instant pudding with chocovine. So a lot like my blue raspberry/instant potato strategy, but not completely crazy and disgusting. I was a little surprised that the pudding was able to set fairly well just sitting on our table within the 10 minute time limit, and it pretty much tasted like normal chocolate pudding with a little kick. I was gratified to see that some people ate more than the required taste!

The Judging
After a process of secret ballot, Steven was declared the winner!!! This puts him at a 75% Chocovine challenge win rate. Clears his emphasis on presentation and meticulous attention to detail is giving him some kind of unfair advantage.

Rob won Most Improved

Megan won Least Like Chocovine (which is totally a compliment)

And I won Most Innovative possibly at my own insistence.

Overall, I’d say this was the most pleasant Chocovine Challenge ever! No one’s entry was so disgusting that I couldn’t swallow, and nothing will haunt my taste buds for all time. I’m pretty sure that’s never happened before. Seriously, we should have a competition where Original Chocovine’s Squidstache by Rachel and Espresso Chocovine’s The Rob by Thomas duke it out for Most Nauseating Thing Ever.

Also, since everyone always leaves the ingredients they brought to compete with in my kitchen, we’re eventually going to have to have “using up past servery challenge ingredients” servery challenge. Stay tuned.

Our celebrity guest judge was annoyed by the secret ballot process, being unable to read

Past Chocovine Challenges:
The Original
Raspberry
Espresso

Easy Content Services writes:

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Hello, Easy Content Services! It sounds like you have a completely legitimate operation going on here, but I’m not convinced your team will be able to watch Sam Neill movies with the dedication and care I require, so I will be respectfully declining your offer.

What is castor oil made from writes:

I really enjoy this template youve got going on on your site. What is the name of the theme by the way? I was thinking of using this style for the web site I am going to make for my school project.

Thanks, What is castor oil made from! I’m glad you like it! It’s called “Steven Wiggins is long suffering”.

Lady Bussone writes:

Hi there, every time i used to check website posts here in the early hours in the daylight, because i enjoy to find out more and more.

Wow! I’m so honored that a member of the landed gentry is reading my blog! I’m not surprised you can only find the time to do it in the early hours of daylight; you’re probably super busy waving from carriages and keeping peasant revolts down.

How To Get Rid of a Sore Throat writes about my post reviewing Goddess Girls: Athena the Brain:

My spouse and I absolutely love your blog and find a lot of your post’s to be just what I’m looking for. can you offer guest writers to write content to suit your needs? I wouldn’t mind writing a post or elaborating on many of the subjects you write regarding here. Again, awesome weblog!

I’m so glad both you and your spouse are so interested in tween fiction! I guess if you wanted to both review a tween version of The Poetic Edda or something I would be okay with that! Send it to me when you’re done!

Tasha Thompson writes about this Sam Neill post:

I have been surfing on-line greater than three hours lately, but I by no means discovered any interesting article like yours. It is pretty value sufficient for me. Personally, if all website owners and bloggers made good content as you probably did, the web will likely be much more helpful than ever before.

I know what you mean, Tasha! It seems like most of the rest of the Internet is completely ignoring Sam Neill for some reason! I’m glad you found my review helpful, I assume in impressing people at parties with your vast knowledge of different Sam Neill movies.

Devis Cumulus writes about this post of pictures from my camera:

An fascinating dialogue is worth comment. I think that you need to write extra on this matter, it might not be a taboo topic but typically individuals are not enough to talk on such topics. To the next. Cheers

You’re right, Devis! Why are individuals not talking more about My Little Pony embroidery or rugs or cakes that clarify that you are in fact da man?? What has our society come to??

17 Knicks writes:

Today, I went to the beachfront with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She put the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!

Wow, 17 Knicks! I can see why you wanted to share with someone! I too often find my guilt eating away at me Lady Macbeth style until I’m forced to come clean, even just to a stranger on a blog post about the Rice Annual Fund. You knew that shell had a hermit crab in it, didn’t you? I mean, they’re pretty heavy and obvious–you were clearly hoping it would attack your daughter, maybe subconsciously. That’s not the answer to your crushing loneliness and frustration with life as a stay at home mom, 17 Knicks. I hope that you will seek the help you need.

Arvilla Hatherly writes about this Sam Neill post:

I do like the way you have framed this challenge and it really does supply us a lot of fodder for thought. Nonetheless, because of just what I have observed, I basically hope as other commentary pile on that people today continue to be on point and in no way get started upon a soap box of some other news du jour. Yet, thank you for this exceptional piece and although I do not concur with it in totality, I respect your point of view.

Thanks for being respectful even if we don’t agree, Arvilla! It’s okay if you actually liked Alcatraz and weren’t as excited to see Moaning Myrtle in a different context. I too am so annoyed when people use my blog just to comment on the news du jour! This is NOT what the Sam Neill marathon is about, you guys! I’m looking at you, 17 Knicks! Arvilla doesn’t want some soap box in the comments either, maybe about the original Doctor Zhivago, BRIAN. Arvilla is calling you out.

Dovie Number writes about that same Sam Neill update:

had to cry over that blog post it was of superior quality. who could ask for anything more?

I guess it was only a matter of time before one of my Sam Neill updates made someone cry over how great they are. I always just assumed it would be Sam Neill himself, but there’s still time for that. Thanks for the tears, Dovie!

I can’t believe I’ve been basically ignoring my spam folder for so long! Clearly it is just full of compliments!! I feel great! Thanks, Spam!

I love when the three Sam Neill movies I watch seem to share a theme through no planning of my own! Unfortunately, today’s theme is skeevy creepsters.

Ivanhoe (1984)

1980s Medieval England was the best Medieval England

The Movie: A film version of the Sir Walter Scott novel of the same name, Ivanhoe returns from the Crusades only to be gravely wounded in a tournament which he still wins. His dad, a staunch Saxon lord, wants nothing to do with him because he’s a supporter of Norman King Richard, and so it falls to Isaac and Rebecca, the Jewish father-daughter team, to attend his wounds while his OTL Lady Rowena looks on. Then everyone goes on a field trip to York, but are captured along the way by Prince John’s jerky knights. One of them wants to marry Rowena, another seems to have a thing for Rebecca, and no one realizes the “injured old woman” is secretly Ivanhoe!

Also, one of them is John Rhys-Davies, seen here being pulled into a homoerotic bath

Luckily Robin Hood and King Richard in disguise rally the local peasants and storm the castle! Everyone lives happily ever after, except Rebecca who gets kidnapped by Brian de Bois-Guilbert, who’s totally a Templar, but still thinks he can run away with her to his chapter house without anyone minding. As an order not known for being all about women, they, of course, are not pleased, and immediately accuse her of Jewish witchcraft! Brian is forced to fight in trial by combat against her champion, Ivanhoe, who’s finally decided to do something besides lie around moaning. Of course, Ivanhoe wins, Brian dies, and everyone lives happily ever after. Oh, except Rebecca, who is clears in love with Ivanhoe, but can’t marry him because she’s not blonde enough. The narrator even tells us at the end that, though Ivanhoe married Rowena, he often thought of Rebecca.

Also, here's Isaac's hat. I thought you'd want to see it.

The Character: Since this is the creepster edition, you can probably guess already that Sam Neill is Brain de Bois-Guilbert, the Templar knight who is all about kidnapping Rebecca. He threatens to rape her at first, but then apologizes at the end of the conversation claiming he’s “not normally like this”.

Sexual assault is maybe not the best ice breaker

When the castle gets stormed, he escapes with her oddly easily, and seems genuinely upset when his fellow Templars put her on trial and threaten to burn her. He suggests they run away and get married in some distant land where he will “treat her like a princess”, but she refuses because he’s creepy and also not Jewish. Then he wants to fight as her champion but the other Templars forbid it. Unlike in the book (I think?), in this movie he’s allowed to redeem himself during his final battle with Ivanhoe. Ivanhoe is still pretty wounded and losing pathetically, until Sam Neill just opens his arms and lets him stab him in the chest.

While the Canadian KKK looked on

I like this version because it takes Ivanhoe’s one heroic act in the story, besides showing Isaac a shortcut through the woods in the beginning, and turns it into a Sam Neill heroic act instead. Go back to your bland WASPy lady, Ivanhoe. Snarky Robin Hood provides the best commentary for this scene:

"....... the F?"

What I Learned: Apparently this book created a lot of the elements of the typical Robin Hood legends we know today!

You should watch this if you like: Medieval period pieces where everyone has 80s hair

Doctor Zhivago (2002 TV movie)

Full disclosure: I did not get through this ridiculously long drama. I watched maybe four and a half hours over a two day period before giving up in despair. Russian literature often overwhelms me for being just too bleak and filled with crushing lack of character agency, so I guess that’s not really a surprise.

For some reason the cover flaunts "6 HOURS!" like it's a good thing

The Movie: Yuri’s dad jumps out of a moving train because he’s so in debt so Yuri is sent to live with his… relatives? At least I think they are until Yuri grows up and totes marries the daughter he was raised beside like a sibling, so maybe they are just creepy family friends? Anyway, Yuri trains to become a doctor and one night is called to assist a woman who has poisoned herself because her lover is not-so-secretly in love with her teenage daughter, Keira Knightley. Yuri naturally falls in love with Keira Knightley, but knows their love can never be because he also sees her being creepily hit on by the much older Viktor. Later he meets her again when he’s a WWI doctor and she’s a nurse, and they have a sort of weird not-quite love affair, before he goes home to find communists have taken over his house. He gets in trouble at his new job at the hospital for saying that there’s a Yellow Fever epidemic, even though there totally is, and his family decides to move to the less dangerous Ural Mountains where his wife’s family has an old shack. Conveniently, near the same town Keira Knightley is now living in! On the way, they befriend a doomed urchin boy and meet Keira Knightley’s ex-husband, who has become an embittered, emotionless communist after discovering his wife’s creepy affair/feelings for Viktor. Everyone looks miserable and the movie beats you over the head with how cruel the world is and how powerless all the characters are. I really tried to continue, but the combination of the bleak historical accuracy, Keira Knightley’s pinchy lips, and Sam Neill’s disappearance after the first 2 hours broke my spirit. I can only assume the hour and a half I didn’t get to contain more of the same. Maybe Sam Neill comes back at some point.

Another common theme of today is ridic hats, apparently

The Character: Sam Neil is Viktor Komarovsky, Keira Knightley’s mom’s lover and also the guy whom Yuri’s dad owed all that money to, leading to his suicide! Russia’s a small world.

We meet again, Mustache Sam

Viktor is a sketchball who somehow convinces Keira Knightley’s delusional mother that he just wants to buy Keira a fancy dress and take her out alone because it’s her birthday. Every time Keira Knightley tells him she doesn’t want to see him anymore, he tells her she doesn’t know what she wants and that “we are the same”. She eventually marries Pasha to get away from him, but when she tells Pasha about her experience and he’s like “Well… you didn’t have a choice”, she starts weirdly defending him, “It wasn’t like that, you don’t understand.”

Stockholm Syndrome much?

Keira Knightley also once tells Mustache Sam that he’ll be the first one up against the wall when the communist revolution comes, but he just laughs at her and says the new regime will also find him rich, powerful, and useful, which, according to a brief skim of Wikipedia about the ending of the book, is pretty much accurate. Sorry, Sam Neill. I wish I could have held on long enough to see your return to this ridiculously long movie, but there are some things even my oddly intense devotion to this blog project won’t justify. You understand, right? I’m pretty sure even you have never sat through more than the first half of Merlin’s Apprentice.

What I Learned: Apparently you can just learn nursing “as you go along”; Bolsheviks hated poetry

You should watch this if you like: really really really really really really long historical Russian melodramas; the fundamental powerlessness of humanity

Reilly: Ace of Spies (1983 TV miniseries)

And you’re going to think the theme of this post is also “slacking” because I only watched the first episode of this show. Whatever, you guys, there are like 12 of them, and if I am going to watch the complete run of any Sam Neill TV show, we all know I’m starting with “Hot Guys Without Shirts“.

Oh, Sam Neill! You know how proud I am whenever you make it onto the cover of anything

The Movie: Sidney Reilly was the real life person whom James Bond is based on! A lot of his life is “shrouded in legend” because he was “a master of deception”. I’m serious, sometimes Wikipedia just can’t help itself. In this first episode (titled “An Affair with a Married Woman”), Reilly is trying to get out of the Russian Empire at the turn of the last century with a secret report about oil or something. But the Russians suspect him and detain him near the border, along with a crabby old Reverend Thomas and his dissatisfied young wife. Natch Reilly immediately starts flirting with Mrs. Thomas, then asks her to come to his room in the night as a decoy for his escape attempt, promising to be “waiting for her” when they both make it back to England. LULZ JK you will be detained in Russian prison for months. Then the British Secret Intelligence Service claim to not know who Reilly is and there’s a huge scandal about Mrs. Thomas maybe sleeping with him FOR ENGLAND under false pretenses. Then he shows up to the press conference they are having about it and is like “lolol u guys r such jokesters of corse u know me EPIC LULZ ON U MRS. T-MAS!”

I'm sorry, something about this cocky grin makes me think in ironic Internet speak

Then when they’re alone he’s basically like “Well, we might as well do it. Your husband’s so old you’re probably going to be a rich widow soon.” She flounces off angry, and Sam Neill discovers someone in the SIS has murdered his favorite prostitute! Also there’s some kind of secret OTHER oil report! Eventually he catches the killer and everyone loves him again, including Mrs. Thomas who totes marries him when her husband dies. What?

Good thing my hate turned to love just in time, as per romantic comedy rules!

The Character: Of course Sam Neill is Reilly: Ace of Spies! Unlike the other entries on this list, his creepsterhood in this show is portrayed as more of a cheeky player. You know, just like James Bond. Though he’s upset about the death of his favorite prostitute Rose, and does try to figure out who killed her, he gets over it quick enough to flash that smirky little grin at Mrs. Thomas. They’re just women, right? Uggggggh.

What I Learned: You shouldn’t milk your cows if you’re “expecting” an earthquake (how does that work?) because the milk will just go bad during it

You should watch this if you like: more historically accurate James Bond; smirky little grins

Previously: Ruthless Businessman, Ex-Prison Guard, Sad Husband
Next: Vampires? Robots? Something like that

So far I have yet to visit the country's juicy center

If you want to make your own map, I used this free tool here.

As always, developments as they unfold!

Rainbow Dash embroidery!!

Five balls of yarn, finger knitted

One old t-shirt cut into strips an strung on a hula hoop!

One rug!

Cake from Valentine's Day!