Times I Have Almost Died: Helping Others

October 6th, 2009 by pladd

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I know I have a job tutoring math, but I mainly do that for the Lying to Children aspects as much as the Helping Others part. So you can tell how hard this is for me. I wouldn’t be doing it at all, except instead of having a Wafflemaker Off of Epic Proportions last night, I made Steven watch Labyrinth with me instead.

Blockbuster Guy: I have the Collector’s Edition of this.
Me: Cool!
Blockbuster Guy: Yeah, and the Jareth action figure.
Me: Of course you have the Jareth action figure.
Blockbuster Guy: This movie is so awesome… it even makes me forgive David Bowie for trying to act.
Me: He was SO acting! He changed tight pants in like every scene! Just when you think there are no more tight pants in the world for David Bowie to wear, HE FINDS SOME!
Blockbuster Guy: I mean… if you’re into that.
Steven: I am already having doubts about the goodness of this movie.

Anyway, Steven learned a valuable lesson about goblins and I made friends with a Blockbuster employee (current life goal), so I feel that, despite a waffle lack, it was a night well spent. But that leaves me with nothing to write about today (besides Blockbuster employees). So, I have decided to help others. Sigh.

The Adventures of Cynthia Bova
As an integral part of THE 434, Bova’s blog is maybe my blog’s sister, or at least some kind of hot cousin. We originally battled for supremacy, but eventually decided that the Internet was big enough for us to coexist. She writes more about her personal life than I do (I only write about mine when it is AWESOME, which is often, so that’s okay) but definitely holds the market share on exclamation point use. My paltry attempts at Bova-levels of punctuation excitement don’t even come close. Also, it’s Bova. Come on.

NASCAR News
My cousin maybe knows too much about NASCAR, to the point where sometimes I don’t understand anything when he talks. Last time I visited, I asked if a NASCAR anchor was what he wanted to be when he grew up, and he gave me this withering look and said, “I am one already.” Clearly. I don’t know what I was thinking. Anyway, despite not understanding the content at all, I still think his videos are super cute, especially when Mr. Biffle, his dog, or Patricia Ladd, his intrepid cousin, are guest anchors. I can’t wait to say that I knew him when he was producing videos in his garage.

Andrew Coffin Fox’s Kind of Emo Extravaganza of Amazingness!!!!!!!
Andrew is apparently really bad at coming up with titles to draw people in (“Andrew Coffin Fox’s Blog”?) so I helped him out here a little. I know, so much with the helping people. I’ll probably have to skip class to go lie down after this. Andrew is one of the infamous Brothers Fox and may or may not be a time traveler (he always denies it when I mention it; that was my first clue). Sometimes it seems like he’s trying to become a modern day Emily Dickinson, but other times there are comics!! Both are good times. Also, the tales of his epic struggle with his arch nemesis, the University of New Hampshire Academic Calendar! One day, Andrew, one day you will prevail. And look! Even though I bet he will never read this (not everyone is generous and amazing and good at wasting time like me), I’m not even saying anything bad about him. THAT’s helping others right there.

Came to my Senses & I chilled for a bit
We all know about my love for Alex Crompton. Naturally I assume that anyone who can run for SA president on the platform that he’s a better kisser than the other candidates has to have amazing post-college adventures. Unfortunately, he does not update enough so I am forced to imagine what he is doing, which is pretty much just as exciting. If he ever does update, I am sure I will be vindicated in thinking that he is becoming pale and tragic in a Parisian cafe trying to win the affections of a deaf Bulgarian immigrant girl while playing the accordion for change in the echoing tiled tunnels of the city Metro. If not, why not?

Okay. I need to go take someone’s seat on the bus to balance myself out.

Posted in Times I Have Almost Died, transcripts |

Times I Have Almost Died: Swine Flu

September 12th, 2009 by pladd

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I hesitantly include this as a time I’ve almost died since it is definitely less serious than others in this category, like the time I read the fourth Twilight book. I wouldn’t have even bothered going to the doctor at all if campus weren’t plastered with flyers saying “If you have ANY TWO of these symptoms come to health services IMMEDIATELY”. And it’s not like Rice health services, either, where they’re never open and they prescribe allergy medicine for every ailment. It’s a legit hospital. I had to park in a parking garage and walk across a skyway to get there.

While I was there, I got to wear a stylish mask, and everyone kept assuring me that Everything Is Going To Be Okay. Apparently the top half of my face always looks really worried, because in reality I am way less scared of swine flu than I am of Japanese Spider Crabs. They told me I either had a mild case or was “incubating it” and would feel even worse later. They gave me pamphlets. I got to keep the mask.

Doctor: Do you need proof that you were here?
Me: Ummm… what? Like for insurance?
Doctor: You’re a grad student so probably not. Most of the undergrads are afraid their professors will think they’re lying.
Me: No, my professors seem pretty understanding.
Doctor: Well, you’re a grad student; you’re more mature.

LULZ! Joke’s on her! Although judging from the vapid conversations I’m forced to listen to daily on the bus, she’s probably right.

Anyway, after sleeping for fourteen hours, I feel much better! Take that swine flu! Although still coughing like a chain-smoking asthmatic.

Posted in Times I Have Almost Died |

Times I Have Almost Died: Ye Olde Waffle Shoppe

September 1st, 2009 by pladd

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Today, unlike the many more harrowing Times I Have Almost Died, I was nearly killed by sheer joy. The Culprit? Chapel Hill’s Ye Olde Waffle Shoppe. The Weapon? The M&M Waffle.

This isn’t the first encounter I’ve had with the joy that is M&M Waffles. The theory occurred to me in the Wiess Servery when morning when I realized some SCIENTIFIC FACTS upon which to base this experiment in the tasty sciences:

1) The Wiess Servery has a waffle iron.
2) The Wiess vending machines have M&M’s (sometimes)

Hypothesis: I could put M&M’s in the waffle batter and get M&M waffles!!!

Unfortunately this was in the early days of my scientific career so I had failed to take a few vital parts of the experiment into consideration.

1) I hate waiting in lines so the waffle iron was pretty much out of my reach.
2) M&Ms can burn and melt and things. Though they seem magical, they are essentially chocolate.

Thankfully, Ye Olde Waffle Shoppe has my back! A narrow diner with waffles, pancakes, eggs, and hashbrowns, this would TOTALLY have been a Breakfast Club Destination had it been in H-Town during my three-year tenure as Breakfast Rep. The M&M waffles were maybe the closest mortal man can be to heaven. At least if your version of heaven involves waffles and candy. MINE DOES.

Unfortunately by the time I realized this was a life-changing experience, all of the food was gone. I will probably have to make several more research trips to this location and eat several more M&M waffles. You know, FOR SCIENCE.

Posted in Misguided Travel Guides, Times I Have Almost Died |

Twilight 4: A Review That Almost Cost Me My Life

August 6th, 2009 by pladd

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The name of this book is actually Breaking Dawn but you wouldn’t know what I was talking about if I used it. See, I got this book on Monday from the library. I ignored the librarian’s judging, judging eyes because I was too busy thinking “Hurrah! Now I will read it today, write a blog post about it tomorrow, and that will take care of my Tuesday obligations!” Little did I know that this would be a novel so excruciating that I would need to take frequent breaks to soothe my battered psyche into submission and bang my head against a wall. In the end, I only very nearly escaped being strangled by my own good taste by turning on episodes of Black Adder the Third in the background during the last 200 pages.

I had a feeling this one would be different because I was at the library the morning after it came out, when the five teen girl movie volunteers staggered in around noon after staying up all night waiting at the book store. “Well?” I asked them. “How is it?” Since they’d been talking about nothing else for the past two months it wasn’t hard for them to know what I was talking about. I was shocked when they all shouted “HORRIBLE!” at once and one of them added “It’s like Stephanie Meyer didn’t even write it.” After valiantly reading the other three books so that you don’t have to, I started wondering about this condemnation. Could it be that Stephanie Meyer, in the fourth book of her wildly popular and horribly written teen girl series, has FINALLY learned how to write, letting down her vapid fans everywhere?

The answer, I’m sad to tell you, is NO. For the love of all that is at least properly punctuated, NO. So, proceed IF YOU DARE.
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Posted in Book Reviews, Times I Have Almost Died |

Times I Have Almost Died: Tiremergency

June 6th, 2009 by pladd

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I have a video of myself explaining this harrowing incident just after it happened, but it’s hard to understand me given the noise from the road and the awesomeness of my pigtails. So I’ll try to use my words.

The roads around Turkey Creek, Tennessee are actually mostly paved at this point, for varying definitions of the word “paved”, but there’s still plenty made of gravel, which Trixie was definitely upset over. She’s already been complaining about how hard it is to look cute and flirt with SUVs when you’re covered in smashed bugs, so all the dirt and little rocks were not helping her general attitude. Then, as we were bidding our farewells to the allergy-happy farmland a strange orange light in the shape of an exclamation point appeared on the dashboard. Remembering the snowflake incident, when Trixie miraculously predicted the odd snow in Houston this year with an indicator light (Bova saw it! It’s true!), I assumed this only could herald doom. Steven, being less excitable, looked it up in the manual and discovered it meant Low Tire Pressure.

Trixie’s first flat tire! From getting a big sharp rock stuck in the wheel! I assume she did it on purpose for attention, like a car version of a tantrum. So Steven changed the tire. The only major incident was when he refused to believe that the spare was a for reals tire and not just a fake one that we’d need to replace. After comparing the serial numbers with the one we took off he proclaimed Trixie to be “magical” or at least “more expensive than mine”. While changing the flat, a grizzled old man in a pickup stopped to ask if we needed some help. I told him we were good, so he offered us some Juicy Fruit and then went on his way.

Posted in Road Trip, Times I Have Almost Died |

Times I’ve Almost Died: Uncle T

June 6th, 2009 by pladd

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So my dad’s oldest brother is actually named Thomas (after my grandfather, not my brother), but no one calls him that because it would besmirch a good family name. He mostly spends his time drinking, flying to Asia to pick up girls, and writing angry Letters to the Editor correcting grammar. You’d think at least he’d have some good stories to tell about all the times he’s been in Chinese prison or run out of the state of Alabama, but mostly he just tells bad jokes about flatulence. Fortunately, we don’t have to be nice to him. Unfortunately, we do have to have breakfast with him:
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Times I Have Almost Died: Clyde the Lizard

May 27th, 2009 by pladd

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So while in Monterey, I wanted to see the beach and misguidedly decided to walk down an alley to get to it. At the end was, in fact, the beach, but also an odd assortment of vagrants, one of whom saw Steven’s camera and immediately said, “You want a good picture?” and reached into his pocket.

This could have ended any number of ways, but it turned out to be a lizard.

His name is Clyde!

His name is Clyde!

Then, after a lengthy discussion of Clyde’s eating habits–in which he asked us for “Florida herbage” twice, saying that he could sense we had some by our aura–he introduced us to his friend “Gandalf” who recited some poetry. Then a pimply high schooler arrived with a bottle of prescription drugs and I used the distraction to run back down the alley and not stop until I reached the Tollhouse Cookie Bakery. Steven followed along at a somewhat more sedate pace.

Posted in Road Trip, Times I Have Almost Died |

Times I Have Almost Died: North Dakota Animals

May 27th, 2009 by pladd

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When forced to think about North Dakota (sadly, most people will not do so willingly), they mostly mention how cold it is. Little do they know that summertime threats besides frost bite lurk in the ravines of the badlands. Fiercest and most mysterious of these is the legendary Prairie Shark:

Or possibly some kind of root. Still, SCARY STUFF!

Or possibly some kind of root. Still, SCARY STUFF!


The only defense against the Prairie Shark is to run away quickly. Luckily, that left me energized to deal with our other brushes with death:
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Posted in Road Trip, Times I Have Almost Died |

Times I Have Almost Died: MY BIRTHDAY!

May 27th, 2009 by pladd

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A birthday is a horrible time for a near death experience but, as my mother feared, the day I turned 22 I faced a twofold threat in Seattle–suspiciously close to Canada. The first was the insidious threat of crepe or nutella overdose at lunch:

The tastiest way to die

The tastiest way to die


The second was far more overt:
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Posted in Road Trip, Times I Have Almost Died |

Times I Have Almost Died: Escaped Penguin Attack

May 27th, 2009 by pladd

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The Monterey Bay Aquarium is supposed to be pretty baller, as far as aquariums go, although I remained at the same level of impressedness I maintain towards the Tampa Bay aquarium (through Florida solidarity). In only two places do they excel: the sea horse exhibit and the penguins. Sea horses are, naturally, my favorite, being the giraffes of the sea, but the penguins were most impressive because of one’s stolid attempts to escape. Observe:

Luckily he did not succeed, for if he had, I would have undoubtedly faced DEATH once again as the infuriated, adrenaline-fueled penguin attempted to gore what he would see as the nearest of his human captors.

Posted in Road Trip, Times I Have Almost Died |

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