Times I’ve Almost Died: FIRE!

May 9th, 2010 by pladd

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I don’t know about you, but those fire safety lectures we had in elementary school scared the hell out of me when I was a kid. I was convinced that my house would burn to the ground and had a detailed plan for which of my belongings I would grab while fleeing from my collapsing inferno of a home. I had almost completely forgotten about this latent fear until yesterday when my Serenity movie night was interrupted by a strange orange glow seeping through the blinds. At first we thought it was just headlights, but headlights don’t flicker. Also usually don’t shine in to second floor windows.

FIRE!!

FIRE!!

So there are these dumpsters about a hundred paces from my front door, and next to them is a strange fenced off little enclosure where people dump old mattresses or furniture. There are plenty of overhanging trees too.

When we first walked outside, the wind was up and we were getting hit with sparks.

When we first walked outside, the wind was up and we were getting hit with sparks.

Luckily Rachel is quickest on the cellphone draw and called 911. We found out someone already had. People from the Business and Professional Women’s Club next door were already gathering to take pictures with their cellphones stupidly close. Some other apartment dwellers, slightly more freaked out because, you know, we live here, started gathering and trying to move their cars. Joe immediately accused the guy holding a cigarette of starting the whole thing and returning to the scene of the crime.
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Winterpocalypse Notebook: IV

February 2nd, 2010 by pladd

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And as I walked through the woods
Behind the dumpster
Watching deer tracks and raccoon tracks
Dog tracks and squirrel tracks
I came upon a fallen herd
Of apples

Terrified
I looked around
For the Twilight photoshoot
But there was none

apples_in_the_snow

Posted in Cool Things, Times I Have Almost Died |

Winterpocalypse Notebook: III

January 31st, 2010 by pladd

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The next morning

The next morning I woke up at 8
Annoyed about going to work on a Saturday
As I am every Saturday
I got dressed and went downstairs
I looked out the window

WHITE

I was not going to work today.

I ran upstairs and jumped on Steven.
“SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW!”
“mmrrrhhhmmmgoaway”
“GET UP! LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!”
“mmmrrrhhhdontwanna”
“WE’RE GOING OUTSIDE TO PLAY!”

I dragged Steven outside
He said he would get pneumonia
I told him it was good for him
Then I found a trash can lid and tried to sled.
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Posted in Cool Things, Times I Have Almost Died |

Winterpocalypse Notebook: II

January 31st, 2010 by pladd

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The Night it Began

The night it began I was at
Harris Teeter
Because Steven had discovered at the last minute
That our milk was bad
and he needed it to make tortillas.

There were so many people
(I parked across the street)
It seemed like everyone was a college student
Buying beer and wine
Or a mom buying cat food.

I stood in line for the self check out
With my one bottle of milk
In the middle of the shampoo aisle
When from the front of the store
We heard someone shout
“It’s snowing!”

And getting home was a bitch.
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Posted in Cool Things, Times I Have Almost Died |

Winterpocalypse Notebook: I

January 29th, 2010 by pladd

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Food Lion

Food Lion was more crowded than I’ve ever seen it today
though still not in Florida Hurricane Preparedness Proportions.
It’s next to a sad Burger King, the wrong side of a disregarded exit
Off 54
Everyone was buying:
Their weight in cans
Bottled Water
Candles
Bread and Milk.
Children bundled tightly in snow suits, staring at the sky
Waiting

There was only one man ahead of me
In 10 Items Or Less
He was buying:
A container of chicken wings
A case of beer
Eight frozen pizzas.
He looked like a man who knew he was prepared
In a way the Weather Channel would never think to advocate.
I was buying:
AA batteries
Powdered sugar
Chocolate chips (the two things I’d forgotten for baking)
A giant candle in a glass holder with Arch Angel Michael killing some demon.
I know it was somehow Catholic, but they were the only candles left
It was either Michael or a dead Jesus
And I thought defeating demons was marginally more cheerful
Than to have the eyes of a sad Christ look on
As I try in vain to complete the World’s Largest Crossword after the power goes out
By the light of a candle meant for religion
But somehow next to beer and chicken wings and chocolate chips on the conveyor belt
Just the same.

Posted in Times I Have Almost Died, lists |

Times I Have Almost Died: Calendar Literacy Fail

January 5th, 2010 by pladd

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This morning I woke up early, ready for the first day of classes. After taking a shower and grumbling about having to put on Not-Pajamas before noon, I decided to look up where my classes for the morning were, and then, since I was already there, what obscenely expensive textbooks I would need to buy and then never read. It’s a miracle that I did this because there, at the top of one of the course websites, was the schedule with “CLASS INTRO: JAN. 12TH” as the first bullet point.

That was my first clue. My second clue was when I looked at the academic calendar (for the first time ever, natch) and saw “JANUARY 11TH: CLASSES BEGIN” highlighted in red.

I can only imagine what would have happened had I decided to make breakfast instead of order textbooks (which I gave up on after discovering the sordid truth, btws). I would have taken the bus to school, complaining about the cold the entire way, wondered vaguely where the hordes of undergraduates were, and sat in an empty classroom for about half an hour before wondering if there was some kind of alphabetizationmergency I had missed the alert on.

I guess I just assumed that if I was going to work I should also be going to class. I’m actually hoping this happens more often because suddenly having another week of sleeping in and not doing boring readings about “What IS information?” is all the more awesome because of its unexpectedness.

So awesome that I decided to update my blog for the first time since being gripped by the ravages of Frozen North-induced flu. Don’t worry, I got better in time for presents. It was a Christmas miracle.

Posted in Times I Have Almost Died |

National Novel Writing Month 2009: Epic Win!

November 29th, 2009 by pladd

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This graphic, the only semi-tangible prize, was SO WORTH IT.

This graphic, the only semi-tangible prize, was SO WORTH IT.

Granted, my main memories of Thanksgiving are of writing 17,000 words in two days, but still! Look at this picture I won!!! In case you were wondering, the novel ends with the three different Patricias plus random historical/alternate time line characters teaming up to USE THEIR IMAGINATIONS to defeat the Plutonians. Apparently illogical thought processes are their one weakness, making Middle School Patricia the ultimate contender.

I can’t be bothered to post the entire novel on here, but here is the wordle art version of it:
Wordle: NaNoWriMo 2009

I like how PATRICIA dominates. Just like always. Click for larger image (i.e. to read any words that aren’t PATRICIA)

Posted in Times I Have Almost Died, archivery |

National Novel Writing Month 2009: A Timeline

November 24th, 2009 by pladd

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I thought it was over forever last year. But then in October this happened:

2009
October
Start receiving “reminder” emails from the NaNoWriMo website. Roll my eyes.

October 24th
Read over “novel” from last year while procrastinating writing a paper. Feel bad about the lack of coherency.

October 26th
Decide to do National Novel Writing Month again, this time attempting not to fall back on random free association to meet word limit. I CAN write a 50,000 word novel that sticks to one plot. For varying definitions of “one plot”. And “sticks”. And “novel”.

October 30th
Convince James Fox to write one too in exchange for making him a character in my novel.

November 1st–10pm
Suddenly remember that it’s the first day of National Novel Writing Month. Stay up to begin novel. Decide it should be about Middle School Patricia traveling to the future by accident to meet me now. It can be deep and full of meaning and reveal things about my life and stuff.

November 2nd
Decide to occasionally write from Middle School Patricia’s Point of View to use up more words. Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Times I Have Almost Died, archivery |

National Novel Writing Month 2008: A Timeline

November 24th, 2009 by pladd

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2008

March
See a class called “How To Write a Novel In a Month” while registering. Decide this is the class for me because 1) I like writing novels, 2) I like having no time to revise, and 3) I only needed one more credit hour.

August–First Week of Class
Discover this is a Martel Student Taught Course. Half the people signed up are Serious English Major Novelists, the other half seem to make up Rice’s Anime Club.

August–Second Week of Class
Discover the Serious English Major Novelists have dropped the class en masse. Learn about: how writing is a serious mystical art that puts your mind in tune with the gods; anime.

September–Third Week of Class
Begin bringing laptop and playing Mah Jong during class, which this week consists of watching a youtube fan video about Halo 2 or something. And always the constant hum of Anime in the background.

September–Fourth Week of Class
Listen to a girl’s novel idea about puppies that, when they lick you, they change your gender.

Rest of September
Skip class. See above.

October
Try to think of ideas for 50,000 word novels that I could write way fast. Decide to just write about my summer job at the library in third person, artfully changing everyone’s name. Figure that will give me AT LEAST 50,000 words of ridic stories.

November 1st
Start novel. Decide this is going to be easy.

November 5th
Already 1000 words behind.

November 10th
3000 words behind. Introduce library trolls for variety.

November 12th
Library trolls aren’t working out. Change plot entirely so that it is now Me (Summer Intern) and the elderly assistant director against a horde of zombies and other book characters that have come alive and are attacking the library in the night.

November 13th
We team up with Napoleon. Excerpt:
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Posted in Times I Have Almost Died, archivery |

Times I Have Almost Died: National Novel Writing Month

November 10th, 2009 by pladd

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National Novel Writing Month happens every November, when writers and crazy people alike attempt to complete a 50,000 word novel in one month. That’s about 1667 words a day. Like 3 pages single spaced. No sweat right? Yeah.

Last year my novel started out being a set of connected and humorous short stories about the library I used to work at. Then that got boring and I wasn’t working fast enough so zombies attacked the library. Then about a third of the way through I couldn’t take the word limit requirements and it turned into ridiculous stream of consciousness where I talked about everything from what I had dreamed the night before to how I feel about flying squirrels. In hundreds of years they will probably find it and be so confused they will have no choice but to turn it into a holy book and start worshiping its bad syntax.

This year I made a vow that I would hold off stream of consciousness for as long as possible. However, it’s November 10th and I only have 13,868 words. By the end of today I should have 16,670. Yeah, right. Not when I am also trying to write final papers for grad school, thanks.

To say that I have upheld my vow and completely stayed on track would also not be completely accurate. Sure, I have stuck with a story and not started rambling about my personal life yet, but it only took about four days for that story to veer dramatically from semi-serious psychological study of realistic characters to TIME TRAVELING ALIENS ARE ATTACKING; ONLY YOU CAN SAVE MANKIND. I assume this switch was inevitable. Also, it is only November 10th. There are 20 more days left. I predict I would be stream of consciousnessing to make Faulkner proud by the end of this week.

Posted in Times I Have Almost Died |

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