October 30th, 2009 by pladd
I’m not sure if I was the only one obsessed with the Lost Colony of Roanoke as a kid. I found the entire thing extremely eerie, especially since I would stop listening or reading when they got to the theories about Native American attack or Spanish attack or relocation to some other part of the East coast. As a child, I firmly believed that an entire colony of people had just mysteriously vanished without a trace, possibly into some other dimension, like they had slipped too close to the edge space between Life and Death and fallen through. Or something. Whatever, I was a weird kid. Later I decided Lawrence Stager’s theory about cannibals was maybe the most ridic and therefore the most credible.
Anyway, my childhood ambition is ABOUT TO BE FULFILLED! No, not the one where I become a mailman. I am going to solve the mystery of the Lost Colony of Roanoke! As we speak, I am on the Outer Banks, tirelessly searching for clues. I realize that generations of fellow archeologists and crack pots have come before me, but I have one thing they don’t have: a belief in time travel. Armed with that, it should be way easy. Even easier than the time I solved the murder of Merriweather Lewis (the butler did it). So far, here is my list of time traveling suspects on this case:
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Posted in Things That Spell Our Doom |
October 9th, 2009 by pladd
Google Analytics has opened my eyes to a lot of things. 1) That I apparently have a growing following in Barueri, Brazil, 2) that my review of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus is by far my most popular page to date, and 3) my picture from Deussen park in Humble was used in an article on Viral Eruption about ridiculous exit signs. If they think the sign’s ridiculous, they should see the buffalo.
However, the best part of Google Analytics, by far, is the ability to see what search terms led people to the welcoming embrace of The Plaid Pladd. Naturally the top searches this month were “patricia ladd” and “plaid pladd” but some other great ones include:
human leash (8)
dmventures (5)
“listen to showdown throwdown by miley cyrus” (3)
“oh no bella don’t you go” (3)
“it’s my fault for loving you too much” (1)
“scent-confusing” (1)
anna baron humble texas (1)
can we kill the people that don’t like twilight? (1)
cynthia bova blog (1)
edward undress bella (1)
is cookie crisp healthy (1)
plaid pants “murderer” (1)
sharks natural enemies (1)
timeline of plaid (1)
vampire egg love me twilight meyers (1)
waffle killed (1)
It’s almost like poetry.
This information is going to help me a lot. Clearly this is what people want out of me, so I should include more articles about vampire egg love me twilight meyers, twilight porn, and stalking Anna Baron. Don’t worry, gang, I have heard your silent call. Through google. And the software it gave me to spy on you.
Posted in Things That Spell Our Doom |
September 16th, 2009 by pladd
Posted in Things That Spell Our Doom |
August 19th, 2009 by pladd
Shockingly, yesterday I went the entire day without thinking something, someone, or some esoteric concept was out to get me. Possibly a record. So, in celebration of my new-found and probably short-lived lack of paranoia, I thought I would write about some things that are actually pretty awesome. (I assume they will all be part of Friday’s “Things That Spell Our Doom” after they turn on me tomorrow).
1. High fives
Did you know that they have an amazing Wikipedia article, complete with how-to pictures and multiple “variations”? I didn’t until I googled it in an attempt to find a hilarious picture and then forgot what I was doing. Anyway, yesterday I taught a kid how to do long division and when he finally got it, he gave me a high five. It was pretty awesome, and the best possible form of payment for my stellar services. You know, besides money.
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Posted in Things That Spell Our Doom |
August 11th, 2009 by pladd
You may have thought that moving to an entirely different part of the country would alleviate at least some of the constant mortal peril I face daily. But you thought wrong! If anything, I am in even MORE danger. Here are the top three North Carolinian threats to my well-being.
1. Giants
It’s come to my attention that North Carolina seems to be home to a family of giants as absent-minded as they are bone-crunching. They’re so busy eating innocent bystanders that they left their chests of drawers just lying around:
Somewhere there's a giant with cold feet consoling himself by eating a busload full of school children
These drawers are about 40 feet high, and are apparently for rent. They claim to be the World’s Largest Chest of Drawers, but on the drive over near the interstate, we found further damning evidence:
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As far as Florida Vacation Destinations go, Seminole is probably not high on your list (unless the Historic Patricia Tour is a must see). A fairly small patch of suburbia and laid back beach communities, it’s only a ten to twenty minute drive to the water in any direction but north:
Pinellas County: Florida's gimpy right arm, or maybe just some weird growth
But don’t be fooled by the palm trees and Village Inn’s. Death can still stalk me here.
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Posted in Things That Spell Our Doom |
April 24th, 2009 by pladd
1. Rachel Liontas
Harmless Gullible Freshman... OR IDENTITY THIEF???
She looks a little TOO happy considering we convinced her to buy most of the Wiess Garage Sale. I mean, don’t get me wrong; I love Rachel Liontas. If there was some kind of bracket system to determine The Best Freshman, she would totally be in my Final Four (now that I think about it, why DON’T we pit the freshmen against each other in a dramatic, death-defying battle for the seniors’ love? Or is that the Freshmen One Acts?). At the wildly successful Wiess Garage Sale, Rachel made off with the following from THE 434′s stash of amazingness: a coconut cup, kickball, Mystery Date Game, pirate hat, Rubix Cube, shiny pink 80s dress, hot pink toga, cowboy hat, Christmas lights, and red star sunglasses. This list is a little too calculated to be just random, impulse buying. Clearly she is amassing all of our definitive possessions in a wild bid to become THE 434 after we have gone. DO NOT BE FOOLED. Just because it is pink and sparkly does NOT mean that it is necessarily Bova!
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Posted in The List, Things That Spell Our Doom, list |
March 27th, 2009 by pladd
Since I have no class on Fridays, I usually spend the day drawing inane comics about myself fighting crime or honing my paranoia into a finely sharpened point of irrational fear and stockpiled canned goods. Hey, if you have a plan for even the most unlikely worst case scenario, you never have to waste an unnecessary two hours having the awkward “Okay, who do we eat first?” discussion. And because I care about you, all three of you reading this, I’ve decided to share my plans for defeating the Top Five Things That Spell Our Doom (today, anyway).
1. The West Side Story Mafia
“But, Patricia,” you will say. “Everyone knows that West Side Story was over last weekend and so you have no more reason to complain.” WRONG ON BOTH COUNTS, MY FRIEND. I can always find a reason to complain, and they only want you to think they have disbanded. These people practiced for at least four hours a night for three months. Now that the show is officially over, their lives are filled with empty holes and devoid of meaning. A mob without a purpose. Just waiting to wreak untold havoc and reveal its secret agenda. I have a hunch about that too. Because the Wiess commons currently looks like this:
Laziness... OR DIABOLICAL PLAN??
What are they planning on doing with all those stage pieces? Clearly, they will soon institute Phase II of their plan to take over Wiess by using them to build a giant barricade around the Wiess Commons, forcing those of us who still resist them to give up our claims to Wiess or starve to death.
The Plan: Graduate! In a month, I won’t care who owns the commons! Until then, I think I can subsist on the box of Triscuits I just found in my room. DO YOUR WORST, CAITLIN MILLER!
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