THE 434 Elmo's reunion! Plus Steven.

The first point in its favor is that it’s super close to my house and has a good sized parking lot, since it’s part of Carr Mill Mall. Unlike real malls, Carr Mill is actually an old timey cotton mill from 1898! Now filled with fancy hipster stores, the fanciest Rita’s I have ever been in, and Elmo’s Diner!

Lucky there is nothing too fancy about Elmo

You can see inside where some old windows have been bricked over, and the green booths sometimes make me feel like I’m in a train.

A pre-haircut Steven, shy about having his picture taken in his natural environment

The second best thing about Elmo’s is its massive variety of food! The menu itself is large, and you can get breakfast any time! This is great news for me, since I pretty much only want to eat breakfast food after 3pm, and Steven hates eggs. Anywhere I can eat an omelette for dinner is a good place in my heart. Also, they have new breakfast and lunch/dinner specials every day, AND a bewildering list of “[Insert Food Category] of the day”. For a blurry example:

Yes, Cobbler and Dessert are two separate categories. I know, it's genius.

That’s right, every day there is a different Hot Soup, Cold Soup, Salad, Veggie, Quiche, Enchilada, Cobbler, and Dessert. THIS is why I could go to Elmo’s every day and not get sick of it. It is always different! Case in point:

Steven politely set aside his voracious hunger while I photographed our meal

I’m a big fan of Elmo’s sandwiches. There’s lots of different kinds, but they come with crinkly fries OR applesauce! I almost always choose applesauce for the joy of its randomness. And because it makes me feel like I’m eating lunch in the middle school cafeteria, except nothing smells like despair. This particular sandwich was a special that day; it was delicious turkey and avocado! Observe:

Glorious!

Steven chose one of the dinner specials, Shepard’s pie with ground turkey. Most of the dinners come with 1+ sides (also a bewildering variety of choices) and a bread choice. There is no wrong bread choice! I usually go for the biscuit, but this time Steven chose cornbread. No shame in that.

His side was salad, which is like the least exciting choice, sorry

Elmo’s also does a mean milkshake, and gives you the extra in the metal cup thing like any really classy milkshake place should. Since today was a special photo session, we opted out of milkshakes so we could order dessert!

If this doesn't fill you with joy, you're either lactose intolerant or dead inside. Multi-colored sprinkles!!!!

Come visit me and we can go to Elmo’s together!! You haven’t lived until you’ve ordered the hot and cold soup of the day in one order or seriously discussed with a waiter the exact degree of chocolateyness you want in your chocolate milk (70% chocolateyness, 100% tastiness always).

Elmo’s, if you’re reading, you can repay me in milkshakes and Greek Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. With applesauce.

Steven so excited to be accompanying me!

Probably my favorite part of the botanical garden isn’t even the plants (sorry), it’s the random sculptures and art that are used to enhance them!

This entrance to the poison plant garden is maybe one of my favorites!

Life size chess!!!!!

This tree is strewn with kitchen implements since it's at the entrance to the Kitchen Herbs Garden!

I have no idea what this is, but lizards like to sit on it!

This one’s pretty self-explanatory:

You'd be surprised how many real kids you see at the Botanical Garden too!

This was my favorite for sale this time: Bog Cheetos!!!

Once you get away from the herb gardens, it gets a lot more shady, which is great for this time of year. Plus, storytelling chair:

Steven, eager to hear a story!

I also really like the marshy/coastal section, maybe just because you get to walk on a boardwalk!

Everything is better on a boardwalk!

Plus, ponds, and the possibility of seeing fish and frogs!

They were all pretty low; too bad Irene wimped out on his, we could have used some rain!

It's amazing how much cooler it is in the shade; hurry up, fall!

I did take SOME pictures of plants

These Botanical Gardens aren’t as big as some others I’ve been to, and it doesn’t have any particularly weird plants, since most of them are North Carolina natives, but it’s a nice peaceful place to walk that changes with the seasons.

Unfortunately it was still too cold for swimming!

Also, Rachel only had one pair of shoes!

Not pictured: the hammock to the right I made friends with

They also had a bunch of different trails in the woods! One climbed the hill to a “skyloft” which Rachel and I were determined to see! Even if it did start raining pretty soon after we started.

That's totally a maple syrup line behind Rachel!

We did get to the skyloft eventually! It looked like this:

Since it was raining, there wasn't really a view.

It was still raining when we started our descent, and the steep trails were super muddy! I suggested we take a less steep way back, which ended in us getting really lost in the rain and the mud. Luckily, rather than be worried, it seemed pretty hilarious:

Rachel, resigned to her fate of living in the forest forever. As a mudball.

Finally we came out of the forest onto an empty dirt road with no idea where we were.

No one seemed willing to pick up bedraggled hitchhikers

Rachel's shoes were pretty much out of commission, however

And that’s the story of how Rachel and I escaped the clutches of nature. And became “mudball dogs” in accordance with the prophecy made by a grizzled old man in a grocery store parking lot. You’re just jealous that Rachel and I meet the best people.

Previous Vermont Adventure: Ben & Jerry’s!

So totally worth driving for 14 hours!

Next Vermont Adventure: When Nature Attacks!

SHHH! Keith Richards, the grizzled veteran of rock’n’roll excess, has confessed to a secret longing: to be a librarian. After decades spent partying in a haze of alcohol and drugs, Richards will tell in his forthcoming autobiography that he has been quietly nurturing his inner bookworm.

He has even considered “professional training” to manage thousands of books at his homes in Sussex and Connecticut, according to publishing sources familiar with the outline of Richards’s autobiography, which is due out this autumn. He has received a reported advance of $7.3m (£4.8m) for it.

The guitarist started to arrange the volumes, including rare histories of early American rock music and the second world war, by the librarian’s standard Dewey Decimal classification system but gave up on that as “too much hassle.”

The rest of the article can be found here.

Also, I’m going to DC today! I hope to relive my childhood and also show Steven what is what. It will be just like The Roadtrip, but much shorter.

The first place we looked was Jockey’s Ridge State Park, home to one hang gliding school and one giant sand dune. The signs all said it was easy to get lost there, so I figured the colonists could easily be wandering around in the sand.

It was kind of like that time we went to White Sands. You know, except not HORRIBLE. JOSH. Sorry, I’m still maybe not over the whole losing my keys incident.

My first idea was to follow some tracks in the sand:

Using my Harriet the Spy sleuth skills, I can tell you these tracks were made by 16th century shoes!

Steven, naturally, was skeptical.

"Who cares about colonists? Why can't we go to Sonic? I hate being in natural light."

So I once again had to encourage him onward.

"Steven Matthew Wiggins, do NOT make me come over there. We are RESCUING THOSE COLONISTS and that's FINAL."

When we got to the top of the giant sand dune, it was really quite windy.

Probably why the lost colonists did not simply climb on top to look for the way home.

Everyone knows colonists are afraid of wind.

BUT THEN, in the distance:

Hark! The Lost Colonists! They have somehow acquired backpacks among the sands!

"Hey! You guys! We've totally been looking for you for like hundreds of years!!"

"Yeah, we're kind of busy right now filming a movie or shooting a backpack commercial or something. Catch you later!"

"Okay, ttyl! Call me!"

CASE CLOSED. At the first place I looked. Seriously, I am ace at this solving historical mysteries thing. Look out, Stonehenge, you’re next.

To celebrate, we climbed this lighthouse:

Currituck!

So many stairs right now!

Me: Looking for more colonists I can save

Steven: Auditioning for a shampoo commercial for some reason.

“He’s got the urge to Herbal! On Currituck Lighthouse!” That is definitely going to be Herbal Essences new slogan. Just you wait.

Anyway, my childhood ambition is ABOUT TO BE FULFILLED! No, not the one where I become a mailman. I am going to solve the mystery of the Lost Colony of Roanoke! As we speak, I am on the Outer Banks, tirelessly searching for clues. I realize that generations of fellow archeologists and crack pots have come before me, but I have one thing they don’t have: a belief in time travel. Armed with that, it should be way easy. Even easier than the time I solved the murder of Merriweather Lewis (the butler did it). So far, here is my list of time traveling suspects on this case:

1. William Marsh Rice

Artist's Conception (on the moon)

2. Japanese Spider Crabs

The single most terrifying creature of the sea

3. Brian Reinhart

What is he looking so smug about? Feta? OR THE FACT THAT HE LOST THE LOST COLONY??

4. Zombies

This is actually my top suspect right now

I will keep you posted.

Steven, in his usual inability to judge how long things will take, has apparently spent the last three days in non-stop packing activity, taking short breaks to steal shipping materials from behind businesses and, inexplicably, to engage in a little light woodworking. Since he’s been too busy to even talk to me, I can only assume that this is all part of a strategy to psych us out and make us overly confident. TOO BAD, Steven Wiggins, because I’ve totally read The Tortoise and the Hare, as well as its many variations “The Tortoise and the Hare Race to the Moon” or “M.C. Turtle and the Hip Hope Hare: A Nursery Rap”, (seriously). I’M A LIBRARIAN, YOU CAN’T FOOL ME WITH YOUR AESOP’S FABLE TRICKS! Naturally, Trixie and I will be upping our game to deal with this fake out.

Trixie suggested–in a strange fit of mature cooperation–that we get a book on CD from the library to avoid at least a few hours of fighting over the stereo (if she had her way it would be Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” for the full 12 hours). Unfortunately, there was only one checked in:

It's like Gossip Girl but with SPIES, apparently

I bet there’s a psychological disorder where you anthropomorphize all inanimate objects around you with real pills and self-help books and everything.

Anyway, since I will be leaving around 6am to avoid Tampa rush hour, I imagine this is the last you’ll be hearing from me for awhile. Hopefully I will have the Internet working in the apartment before Friday, when I can update you on the glories of North Carolina and, most importantly, who won this exciting competition, although the Twitter box on the right should have a blow by blow account as I can update from my phone.

See you on the other side.

In the previous month of this competition, the competitors had to work together as a team to beat the clock–or, I guess, the calendar–and the fuel gauge, using up as little resources to see as much of the country as possible. Although they admitted defeat somewhere in the Midwest 8000 miles was enough to qualify them for The Lightning Round! [insert thunder sound effect]. In this round, competitors will be PITTED AGAINST EACH OTHER in a no-holds-barred, anything-goes, wash-and-wear all out race to the finish line, Carrboro, North Carolina, “the Paris of the Piedmont”, and home to the Invisible University of North Carolina, according to Wikipedia and the University’s self-proclaimed king. Unfortunately, I have to take the bus to Chapel Hill and attend the boring, visible University of North Carolina there in the fall.

Although this leg of the race is significantly shorter than the previous rounds, it’s still nothing to scoff at, especially since each competitor will be traveling a DIFFERENT ROUTE:

The Patricia Ladd and Trixie Route: 766 Miles of Grueling Interstate, 12 hours and 56 minutes of fighting for control of the stereo

PLadd and Trixie, deciding to team up temporarily for their mutual benefit, have elected to take the North bound route through Orlando, Jacksonville, and Savannah, staying the night with relatives near Charleston, SC. This ploy, though saving on expense, costs more time and significantly lessens the sketch factor, making it a risky move in what is already a tight competition. The team is confident that they will arrive first, driving the short three to four hours to Carrboro in the morning.

Interviewer: It’s a gutsy move, teaming up with your competitor. Do you think that will increase tension along the way?
PLadd: Definitely. We both want to win this, but quickly realized that neither of us stood a chance of beating SWiggins alone. For one thing, I would be walking. For another thing, Trixie is speedy but has no sense of direction. Hopefully we will be able to cooperate until the last possible moment and not end up parting ways somewhere unfortunate in the wastes of South Carolina.
Trixie: Beep Beep
[Translation: I'm running you over at the North Carolina welcome center]

Steven's Route: 1179 miles through the redneck homeland and 18 hours and 14 minutes spent looking for the next Sonic

Steven Wiggins, on the other hand, is going it alone, not that he has much of a choice since the other two competitors have decided to team up against him. Though his chosen route is longer and more time, Steven has the hidden advantage of new and exciting book tapes that I made for him, recording myself reading You Slay Me, Kate MacAllister’s classic tale of clutzy-courier-in-Paris-meets-shape-shifting-dragon. Somehow, it’s even worse than it sounds.

It’s a wildly unfair race to the finish to determine WHO will be the winner of The Road Trip. Will it be Steven, the Sonic-propelled driving juggernaut with a rickety Ford Escort full of musical instruments or Patricia, the charismatic and modest adventurer who can actually read a map, OR Trixie, the sassy Volkswagen flirt with a penchant for wet windshield contests, “gunning it”, and The A-Teens.

Road Trip: THE LIGHTNING ROUND! Coming to a blog near you July 15th.

Steven "the Driver" Wiggins

Were you surprised when it quickly became apparent that you would be the main driver?
Not particularly. Patricia’s vulnerability in the evening hours to sudden and crushing tiredness was well known to me.

What was your favorite state we visited?
California. It has the most interesting variations of places. Both the worst and some of the best.

What was the worst?
Part of California? The desert leading into it. The best would probably be Monterrey Bay.

What was the best part of the trip overall?
Seattle. It was probably the most interesting city with the weirdest combination of attractions.

Would you live there?
No. Too far North.

What was the worst part of the trip overall?
Definitely our exit from your grandparents’ place. The unceremonious wake up at FIVE THIRTY IN THE MORNING. Followed by a splitting headache and a dreary drive through the wastes of Eastern North Dakota. The Space Alien restaurant was pretty cool though.

What have we learned about each other on this trip?
I’ve learned that Patricia Ladd knows nothing about long drives or camping. Well, maybe not camping, more inland latitudes and the climates thereof. I.e. It gets really fucking cold in the middle of the night on top of a mountain, jeez. And Steven Wiggins, while comfortable, is not a very good space heater.

If you had to steal one of the things we saw in a dramatic caper possibly including musical numbers, what would it be?
The giant slide in North Dakota. Because unlike other things we saw (the Space Needle, the Rocky Mountains) this was clearly much more beloved by all and would look much better in my backyard.

Patricia "the Navigator" Ladd

What was your favorite state we visited?
Washington. It was so cool and green and NOT THE DESERT! Unfortunately there were also too many hills.

What was the single most surprising thing on the trip?
When I lost my keys at White Sands National Monument. I guess Josh Langsfeld (damn him) had built it up in my mind to be JUST LIKE THE MOON. I even still have the postcard he sent me of it where he says this. Instead, it was blistering, the sledding was subpar, and it stole my freaking keys. NOT COOL.

Was there anything you were dreading about this trip that didn’t come true?
You mean besides the 218 times I was scared we would run out of gas? I kind of expected us to totally hate each other before it was even halfway through. But, despite a lot of traffic-induced bickering, I’d say we’re better than ever.

If you could go back and do something over again, what would it be?
You mean because it was so fun? Probably the carousel in Como Park, St. Paul (or Minneapolis?). That may have been my favorite part!

Which state had the most realistic advertising?
Clearly North Dakota. As I’ve said, their billboards featuring a totally empty stretch of interstate are TRUE TO LIFE. Also, their past ad campaign of “North Dakota: Custer was in perfect health until he left” is historically accurate.

If you could be any badlands animal, which would you choose?
Prairie Shark. Duh.

Trixie "the flirt" Volkswagen

What state did you enjoy driving through most?
Beep beep!
[Translation: Clearly Tennessee! That's why I hit a rock; I just wanted to stay a little longer. I mean, how incompetent do you think I am? I loved the unpaved roads and lack of cops. I could drive however I wanted!]

What was you greatest hardship?
Beep!
[Translation: Besides carting you all and your only-used-once camping equipment 8000 miles around the Interstate? Probably all the bugs. It is next to impossible to beat a corvette in a wet windshield contest when I'm covered in splattered insects.]

What was your favorite place to stop for gas?
Beep
[Translation: Def Oregon! Any gas station with an attendant that pumps your gas and wipes your windshield for you is the height of class!]

In all, I would say it was a successful trip. Even if we did give up.