All summer when driving to and from work I’ve seen signs for corn mazes along the side of the road that are “Coming Soon!” Saturday was the first day for most of them, and I pretty much just put jeans on over my pajamas and dragged Steven out of the house in excitement.

I’ve been to one corn maze before, in Albuquerque with THE 434 plus Josh Langsfeld. This mostly involved wandering around in the mostly dead corn trying to decide what parts were path and what parts were corn that had just fallen down:

October 2007: A corn maze that's not trying very hard

This corn maze was totally different! At the beginning, they gave us a piece of paper with various multiple choice questions on it. When we got to certain forks in the path marked with numbered posts, we would answer the question and go left or right depending on our answer. We chose American History (the other categories were Scripture, 4-H, and Corn), and my job as a 5th grade tutor totally came through for us on this one. It was always a small triumph any time we made it to the next signpost with the knowledge that at least with this decision we’d probably be making the right choice. It also helped to keep us from accidentally wandering too far back when retracing our steps. It still took us about an hour to make it out, but it probably would have been at least twice that otherwise.

September 2010: Notice how the corn behind me is still alive

Also how my sunglasses have only improved in awesomeness over time. That orange tie-dye thing is a flag they gave us to wave if we got too lost so that they could come and get us. There was a guy sitting on a platform watching us the entire time, probably laughing at us for constantly taking the wrong turn and getting super lost. Here is my super lost face:

Not even my cursory knowledge of Revolutionary War trivia could save us

Luckily, we finally made it out alive:

Steven, claiming this maze in the name of Tie Dye

The next corn maze I complete will definitely be at night, though. Not just for the scariness, but to keep my shoulders from getting super sunburned.

The first place we looked was Jockey’s Ridge State Park, home to one hang gliding school and one giant sand dune. The signs all said it was easy to get lost there, so I figured the colonists could easily be wandering around in the sand.

It was kind of like that time we went to White Sands. You know, except not HORRIBLE. JOSH. Sorry, I’m still maybe not over the whole losing my keys incident.

My first idea was to follow some tracks in the sand:

Using my Harriet the Spy sleuth skills, I can tell you these tracks were made by 16th century shoes!

Steven, naturally, was skeptical.

"Who cares about colonists? Why can't we go to Sonic? I hate being in natural light."

So I once again had to encourage him onward.

"Steven Matthew Wiggins, do NOT make me come over there. We are RESCUING THOSE COLONISTS and that's FINAL."

When we got to the top of the giant sand dune, it was really quite windy.

Probably why the lost colonists did not simply climb on top to look for the way home.

Everyone knows colonists are afraid of wind.

BUT THEN, in the distance:

Hark! The Lost Colonists! They have somehow acquired backpacks among the sands!

"Hey! You guys! We've totally been looking for you for like hundreds of years!!"

"Yeah, we're kind of busy right now filming a movie or shooting a backpack commercial or something. Catch you later!"

"Okay, ttyl! Call me!"

CASE CLOSED. At the first place I looked. Seriously, I am ace at this solving historical mysteries thing. Look out, Stonehenge, you’re next.

To celebrate, we climbed this lighthouse:

Currituck!

So many stairs right now!

Me: Looking for more colonists I can save

Steven: Auditioning for a shampoo commercial for some reason.

“He’s got the urge to Herbal! On Currituck Lighthouse!” That is definitely going to be Herbal Essences new slogan. Just you wait.

I would only cutenap ones that were also wearing adorable sweaters. Oh wait, that's all of them.

The first competition involved walking your dog around in a circle to music, and then getting them to sit when the music stopped. Like musical chairs, but with dogs.

This was the eventual victor, clearly with a fashionvantage.

Then the limbo! Miniature doxin limbo was maybe what I’ve been waiting for all my life. Sorry, Steven.

When the bar got too low, a lot of them would try to industriously dig a hole. The kids I used to play limbo with at the library would never have thought of that.

Like so:

"Dude, I could totally get through...

… if you hadn’t dressed me in a utilikilt this morning”

The last competition I stayed for before I perished of cold was the “bobbing for weiners” competition, where two dogs went head to head in an attempt to eat a slice of hot dog out of a small tray of water.

They were surprisingly reticent to go for the hot dogs. I could totally have won this one.

There was also a costume contest, which is why you may see one in the background that looks like a lobster.

Unfortunately, there was no cuteness contest.

Probably the most surprising part of the weekend came on Saturday when I was expecting to collect my pieroyalties, the amount of which increases in increments of one pie yearly. I was promised three, but since both Anna (director) and Jacob (producer) assumed responsibility for this, I ended up with six. Jacob gave his long suffering Jacob sigh, said they would tip me one more, and keep two for the cast party. I assumed this was just his way of covering up a failed attempt at winning my affections. Because nothing says “Let’s make out after this play” like extra pie. It’s maybe a universal signal.

Anna also felt the need to tip me, specifically for this part of the play:

BLACK HOLE: Slow down, young whippersnapper! Don’t you come any closer!

VOYAGER PROBE: But I’m Voyager Space Probe One! My mission is to send data back to Earth!

BLACK HOLE: In my day we didn’t have any of this fancy robotic space trash! Who raised you? Didn’t they tell you not to go near a black hole?

VOYAGER PROBE: My mission is to send data back to Earth!

BLACK HOLE: I’m a black hole! Don’t come any closer or you’ll be sucked in and squished to the size of spaghetti!

VOYAGER PROBE: My mission is to send data back to Earth!

BLACK HOLE: Of course, from the outside it’ll just look like you’ve frozen on the edge of me FOREVER.

VOYAGER PROBE: My mission is to send back data to Earth!

BLACK HOLE: But go ahead, what the hell, give it a try. It’s just astrophysics. I’m sure you know best.

VOYAGER PROBE: My mission is to send back data to Earth! My mission is to send back data to Eeeeeeeaaaaaaaarrrrttthhhhh! (freezes comically next to BLACK HOLE)

BLACK HOLE: Stupid disco technology

For something I wrote as an afterthought at 2am, this became wildly popular. The Thresher calls Christina Villareal who played it “the cutest satellite ever to leave planet earth” (take THAT, Mars Rovers) and she made guest appearances in all the other plays. Searching for data, you know. FOR SCIENCE.

For this, admittedly genius, bit of writing Anna decided to up my payment with one trashy novel, but I didn’t realize how trashy we were talking. It’s Anne Bishop’s The Black Jewels Trilogy and the back cover describes it as “a ruthless game of politics and intrigue, magic and betrayal, where the weapons are hate and love–and the prize could be terrible beyond imagining…” I cannot wait to read it so that you don’t have to. Although it is 1204 pages so it may be awhile.

Other notable events: Erin Waller getting “Total Eclipse of the Heart” stuck in my head for three days. I thought we were past that, but it still gave me the uncontrollable urge to find TJ and tape leaves to his fingers. Also, despite limitations from the script, the freshmen still found a way to uphold a THE 434 tradition and make fun of Dr. Dodds. Naturally that is how I meant for the play to be interpreted. I think this really gives it away:

BLACK HOLE: Oh, I know what you mean. I was a big star once too. Listen to me, kid, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Sure, you get all the hottest planetoids and all the sunspots you want. The free beer ain’t bad neither. Oh, those were the days… but I’d give it all up if I could just have the true friendship of my solar system back.

THE SUN: Um, yeah. I think I’ll take the babes and the free beer if it’s all the same to—

BLACK HOLE: Plus, after a few billion years, you explode and turn into a rotating gravitational field from which NOTHING not even LIGHT can escape, sucking up all matter around you and squeezing it into NOTHINGNESS.

THE SUN: (jumps back) AHHHHH! Nothing? Really?

BLACK HOLE: NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL! Nothing except bitterness, which moves faster than the speed of light.

God, it’s JUST LIKE talking to him at lunch, the illusion is scary.

A few people made comments about the themes of a scientific nature, but I patiently explained that I’m an SE now (library science, guys), so it’s totally allowed.

This isn’t the first encounter I’ve had with the joy that is M&M Waffles. The theory occurred to me in the Wiess Servery when morning when I realized some SCIENTIFIC FACTS upon which to base this experiment in the tasty sciences:

1) The Wiess Servery has a waffle iron.
2) The Wiess vending machines have M&M’s (sometimes)

Hypothesis: I could put M&M’s in the waffle batter and get M&M waffles!!!

Unfortunately this was in the early days of my scientific career so I had failed to take a few vital parts of the experiment into consideration.

1) I hate waiting in lines so the waffle iron was pretty much out of my reach.
2) M&Ms can burn and melt and things. Though they seem magical, they are essentially chocolate.

Thankfully, Ye Olde Waffle Shoppe has my back! A narrow diner with waffles, pancakes, eggs, and hashbrowns, this would TOTALLY have been a Breakfast Club Destination had it been in H-Town during my three-year tenure as Breakfast Rep. The M&M waffles were maybe the closest mortal man can be to heaven. At least if your version of heaven involves waffles and candy. MINE DOES.

Unfortunately by the time I realized this was a life-changing experience, all of the food was gone. I will probably have to make several more research trips to this location and eat several more M&M waffles. You know, FOR SCIENCE.

Steven, in his usual inability to judge how long things will take, has apparently spent the last three days in non-stop packing activity, taking short breaks to steal shipping materials from behind businesses and, inexplicably, to engage in a little light woodworking. Since he’s been too busy to even talk to me, I can only assume that this is all part of a strategy to psych us out and make us overly confident. TOO BAD, Steven Wiggins, because I’ve totally read The Tortoise and the Hare, as well as its many variations “The Tortoise and the Hare Race to the Moon” or “M.C. Turtle and the Hip Hope Hare: A Nursery Rap”, (seriously). I’M A LIBRARIAN, YOU CAN’T FOOL ME WITH YOUR AESOP’S FABLE TRICKS! Naturally, Trixie and I will be upping our game to deal with this fake out.

Trixie suggested–in a strange fit of mature cooperation–that we get a book on CD from the library to avoid at least a few hours of fighting over the stereo (if she had her way it would be Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” for the full 12 hours). Unfortunately, there was only one checked in:

It's like Gossip Girl but with SPIES, apparently

I bet there’s a psychological disorder where you anthropomorphize all inanimate objects around you with real pills and self-help books and everything.

Anyway, since I will be leaving around 6am to avoid Tampa rush hour, I imagine this is the last you’ll be hearing from me for awhile. Hopefully I will have the Internet working in the apartment before Friday, when I can update you on the glories of North Carolina and, most importantly, who won this exciting competition, although the Twitter box on the right should have a blow by blow account as I can update from my phone.

See you on the other side.

In the previous month of this competition, the competitors had to work together as a team to beat the clock–or, I guess, the calendar–and the fuel gauge, using up as little resources to see as much of the country as possible. Although they admitted defeat somewhere in the Midwest 8000 miles was enough to qualify them for The Lightning Round! [insert thunder sound effect]. In this round, competitors will be PITTED AGAINST EACH OTHER in a no-holds-barred, anything-goes, wash-and-wear all out race to the finish line, Carrboro, North Carolina, “the Paris of the Piedmont”, and home to the Invisible University of North Carolina, according to Wikipedia and the University’s self-proclaimed king. Unfortunately, I have to take the bus to Chapel Hill and attend the boring, visible University of North Carolina there in the fall.

Although this leg of the race is significantly shorter than the previous rounds, it’s still nothing to scoff at, especially since each competitor will be traveling a DIFFERENT ROUTE:

The Patricia Ladd and Trixie Route: 766 Miles of Grueling Interstate, 12 hours and 56 minutes of fighting for control of the stereo

PLadd and Trixie, deciding to team up temporarily for their mutual benefit, have elected to take the North bound route through Orlando, Jacksonville, and Savannah, staying the night with relatives near Charleston, SC. This ploy, though saving on expense, costs more time and significantly lessens the sketch factor, making it a risky move in what is already a tight competition. The team is confident that they will arrive first, driving the short three to four hours to Carrboro in the morning.

Interviewer: It’s a gutsy move, teaming up with your competitor. Do you think that will increase tension along the way?
PLadd: Definitely. We both want to win this, but quickly realized that neither of us stood a chance of beating SWiggins alone. For one thing, I would be walking. For another thing, Trixie is speedy but has no sense of direction. Hopefully we will be able to cooperate until the last possible moment and not end up parting ways somewhere unfortunate in the wastes of South Carolina.
Trixie: Beep Beep
[Translation: I'm running you over at the North Carolina welcome center]

Steven's Route: 1179 miles through the redneck homeland and 18 hours and 14 minutes spent looking for the next Sonic

Steven Wiggins, on the other hand, is going it alone, not that he has much of a choice since the other two competitors have decided to team up against him. Though his chosen route is longer and more time, Steven has the hidden advantage of new and exciting book tapes that I made for him, recording myself reading You Slay Me, Kate MacAllister’s classic tale of clutzy-courier-in-Paris-meets-shape-shifting-dragon. Somehow, it’s even worse than it sounds.

It’s a wildly unfair race to the finish to determine WHO will be the winner of The Road Trip. Will it be Steven, the Sonic-propelled driving juggernaut with a rickety Ford Escort full of musical instruments or Patricia, the charismatic and modest adventurer who can actually read a map, OR Trixie, the sassy Volkswagen flirt with a penchant for wet windshield contests, “gunning it”, and The A-Teens.

Road Trip: THE LIGHTNING ROUND! Coming to a blog near you July 15th.

1. The Water Tower

So this water tower was originally a really drab blue, but they decided to jazz it up when I was in middle school and hired an artist to paint gigantic native Florida birds on it with some clouds in the background. This made total sense, until someone decided that the water tower’s natural shape would lend itself really well to painting a big orange cage over them all. Obviously this image creates a few troubling philosophical questions: if those are clouds WITHIN the cage, did some even larger person put a cage over THE SKY? How could these birds, even at normal size, even fit in a bird cage? Is this a metaphor for human interference being akin to a harmful cage put over THE ENTIRE NATURAL WORLD? Or, we could go with my immediate reaction the first time I saw it: “OMGOD THAT OCTOPUS IS ATTACKING THOSE BIRDS!”
Apparently the city agrees with my complaints because they wanted to paint over it awhile ago, but people complained, saying it was “good for giving directions”.

2. The Panama Canal Museum

Not too many people know that Seminole, Florida is home to the The Panama Canal Museum. Including me, until a few summers ago when a lady who worked there came into the library asking for books about teddy bears for their Theodore Roosevelt celebration. Naturally I had to investigate. Their website is actually pretty classy for something that’s in the parking lot of Kmart in Seminole’s glorious mall, so I naturally used my one day off that week to go visit. It’s pretty much a single room next to the bank, and the exhibits are mostly pictures on the walls. Oh, and this headless mannequin:

Yep. That's the picture of a head they've stuffed into its gaping neck hole.

Clearly, a classy joint. They even have a gift shop where you can buy jewelry, The Panama Canal Museum Cookbook, and postcards to send saying that you’re not at The Panama Canal, but it’s the next best thing. Clearly a must see for any visit to Seminole, or at least Seminole Mall.

3. Seminole Community Library

Okay, maybe this is only one of the best things because I’ve spent so much of my life there (especially the last few years), but you’ve got to admit, this is one pretty sweet puppet theater:

Taken from the City's website; you'd think they would've gotten an official photographer who understood about flashes

And now that I don’t work there, it’s even sweeter, because I don’t have to worry about kids climbing on it, jumping on the chairs, throwing puppets at each other, swinging on the curtains, or, one memorable night, using it as a bathroom. I would definitely suggest putting on a puppet show if you happen to visit (don’t worry, it’s been cleaned). Also, thanks to the eccentric book-buying habits of my former supervisor, we now have the County’s premiere collection of cat-related picture books. So, you know, that’s something.

4. Publix

But not just any Publix. The Publix where Rob ate peas out of a can in the parking lot all because he saw them on a billboard:

The mystery to this picture is how we got the can open in the parking lot

Steven "the Driver" Wiggins

Were you surprised when it quickly became apparent that you would be the main driver?
Not particularly. Patricia’s vulnerability in the evening hours to sudden and crushing tiredness was well known to me.

What was your favorite state we visited?
California. It has the most interesting variations of places. Both the worst and some of the best.

What was the worst?
Part of California? The desert leading into it. The best would probably be Monterrey Bay.

What was the best part of the trip overall?
Seattle. It was probably the most interesting city with the weirdest combination of attractions.

Would you live there?
No. Too far North.

What was the worst part of the trip overall?
Definitely our exit from your grandparents’ place. The unceremonious wake up at FIVE THIRTY IN THE MORNING. Followed by a splitting headache and a dreary drive through the wastes of Eastern North Dakota. The Space Alien restaurant was pretty cool though.

What have we learned about each other on this trip?
I’ve learned that Patricia Ladd knows nothing about long drives or camping. Well, maybe not camping, more inland latitudes and the climates thereof. I.e. It gets really fucking cold in the middle of the night on top of a mountain, jeez. And Steven Wiggins, while comfortable, is not a very good space heater.

If you had to steal one of the things we saw in a dramatic caper possibly including musical numbers, what would it be?
The giant slide in North Dakota. Because unlike other things we saw (the Space Needle, the Rocky Mountains) this was clearly much more beloved by all and would look much better in my backyard.

Patricia "the Navigator" Ladd

What was your favorite state we visited?
Washington. It was so cool and green and NOT THE DESERT! Unfortunately there were also too many hills.

What was the single most surprising thing on the trip?
When I lost my keys at White Sands National Monument. I guess Josh Langsfeld (damn him) had built it up in my mind to be JUST LIKE THE MOON. I even still have the postcard he sent me of it where he says this. Instead, it was blistering, the sledding was subpar, and it stole my freaking keys. NOT COOL.

Was there anything you were dreading about this trip that didn’t come true?
You mean besides the 218 times I was scared we would run out of gas? I kind of expected us to totally hate each other before it was even halfway through. But, despite a lot of traffic-induced bickering, I’d say we’re better than ever.

If you could go back and do something over again, what would it be?
You mean because it was so fun? Probably the carousel in Como Park, St. Paul (or Minneapolis?). That may have been my favorite part!

Which state had the most realistic advertising?
Clearly North Dakota. As I’ve said, their billboards featuring a totally empty stretch of interstate are TRUE TO LIFE. Also, their past ad campaign of “North Dakota: Custer was in perfect health until he left” is historically accurate.

If you could be any badlands animal, which would you choose?
Prairie Shark. Duh.

Trixie "the flirt" Volkswagen

What state did you enjoy driving through most?
Beep beep!
[Translation: Clearly Tennessee! That's why I hit a rock; I just wanted to stay a little longer. I mean, how incompetent do you think I am? I loved the unpaved roads and lack of cops. I could drive however I wanted!]

What was you greatest hardship?
Beep!
[Translation: Besides carting you all and your only-used-once camping equipment 8000 miles around the Interstate? Probably all the bugs. It is next to impossible to beat a corvette in a wet windshield contest when I'm covered in splattered insects.]

What was your favorite place to stop for gas?
Beep
[Translation: Def Oregon! Any gas station with an attendant that pumps your gas and wipes your windshield for you is the height of class!]

In all, I would say it was a successful trip. Even if we did give up.