Anyway, this weekend I decided to celebrate the lesser known aspects of Middle School Patricia when I was at Harris Teeter and found myself staring at the packets of Lipton/Knorr’s Pasta Sides. That is why they are number 1 on my list of things Middle School Patricia likes.
1. Pasta Sides

Actually, the Sesame Thai Noodle one was the best

This weekend I bought some for maybe the first time since then, rationalizing that sharing it with Steven would get over the whole A FAMILY OF FOUR stigma. It was only then that I realized that, yes, it was supposed to feed A FAMILY OF FOUR but as a small side, meaning that my years of eating it for supper by itself were probably not The Most Shameful Thing I Have Ever Done. I did not, in fact, have a stomach the size of A FAMILY OF FOUR. Not that they are the healthiest thing ever either, but I’m glad I can stop stressing about that.

2. David Eddings’ Novels

Most of the cover art seems to be constructed from an album of Generic Fantasy ClipArt 1992

2. People always seem to be winking in his novels. People do not wink at each other this often, David Eddings! Every time anyone winks at anyone else we replace it with a bad pick up line or just the words “How you doin’?”

3. Eddings loves his adverbs, and none more so than “dryly”. Every character is always saying things dryly when they aren’t winking and waving around their swords, so we’ve been replacing dryly with whatever adverb springs to mind. A few good ones are: moistly, sexily, breathlessly, seductively, wetly, inevitably.

4. Another common plot device is the use of various Prophecies. One of the characters will read the Prophecy aloud and someone will ALWAYS then remark “It’s all gibberish!” when in reality it tells them exactly what they’re supposed to do. Then someone, usually the old and wise Belgarath the Sorcerer, will painstakingly explain what it means. Whenever a prophecy gets read, Steven tends to just shout “GIBBERISH! GIBBERISH GIBBERISH!” throughout.

5. Whenever any of the women talk, it’s almost always appropriate to add “BECAUSE I’M A WOMAN” after their speech. Such as when they discover that being married and doing domestic chores is WAY better than being the world’s most powerful sorceress or having adventures.

3. Springy butterfly hairclips

I'm surprised there's not more pictures of these online

Because they were the coolest things ever. Except when the springs that made the wings move got tangled in your hair.

Dear Librarian,
I am very sorry that I lost the book Great Citizen’s of the U.S.. It was a good book and I enjoyed reading it but now because of me no one else will get to enjoy it like I did. I don’t know where it is but I would like to buy the library another book with the money from the first book. I hope you will forgive me. I will keep my eye out for it.

Sincerely,
[Overly Contrite Child Whose Mom May or May Not Have Forced Him To Write This Letter]
—-

“I want a book about a dinosaur that doesn’t like the other dinosaurs and just wants to be an astronaut but then the other dinosaurs make fun of him and he thinks it’s impossible but then he finds out it’s not impossible because Santa tells him he can do it so he goes into space and meets aliens and Dora the Explorer.”

My attempts to encourage this kid to write this book instead of expecting me to find it for him alas were met with much chagrin. The look on his face clearly said, “What kind of a library is this, anyway?”

—
Nature
Sportysm
Socistyle.

My heart
for
you.

The Korean girl I tutor wears a shirt that says this all the time. Sometimes I think she wears it just for me because it has “English” on it, although clearly the kind of English you find on shirts in Korea. Other times I think it might be some kind of secret incantation. Nature… Sportysm…. Socistyle… My heart for you. Of course, I suspect mysticism anytime I’s appear to be replaced with Y’s.

1. Working and Cleaning Popcorn Machines

Now made with real fake butter!

These old-fashioned style popcorn machines are loud, messy, and verging on a health hazard, so naturally all libraries seem to have them. The popcorn is made with a suspiciously neon powder, the smell of which is supposed to “draw the most crowds” according to the packet. For some reason, most of the librarians at my new internship have little to no experience with the popcorn machine, so I stepped up to put my Vast Seminole Library Popcorn Expertise to good use. Frankly, I think most of them are pretending to not know how it works to get out of cleaning it. They will never know the joy of working a further seven hours with your hands covered in greasy metal burns and having everyone you talk to ask what smell is making them so hungry. It’s my new perfume, you guys!

2. Art Skillz
This skill is not just relegated to the land of children’s librarianship. Even reference librarians have to make signs and displays on occasion. However, coloring, cutting, and constructing puppets out of recyclables are all things they do not teach in even the children-focused grad school classes. It’s a pity because these skills are WAY, WAY more useful than taking a week to determine what kind of leader you are by taking personality quizzes and it will inevitably end in puppets that look something like this:

As found on Etsy and Regretsy.

3. How to Deal with Crazy People
For some reason, grad school assumes that (if they mention the actual patrons you’ll supposedly be serving, which is rarely) everyone who comes into the library will be friendly and affable, with a healthy thirst for knowledge and no fixed schedule. I think once my reference professor mentioned that sometimes people get grumpy if they’re in a hurry. No one has yet mentioned how sometimes you have to deal with the same drunk lady that comes in some Thursday nights, sobbing, and asking for Nancy Drew over and over, even after you’ve shown her the section twice.

Maybe she just couldn't get over the Clue in the Clock

No one talks about how to handle the woman who demands a book on divorce for a four-year-old, “preferably titled Because Daddy’s a Good-For-Nothing Ass“. Or the guy who hides in the stacks to shout Star Wars quotes at random intervals. Or the boy who systematically takes all the books about hurricanes, one by one, and hides them in various places around the room such as under the cushions of chairs or in the bathroom sink.

If I ever become Dean of a library school, I will institute at least one course in all of these things. Wall-moving, furniture arrangement, and soda pouring can be an extra credit project in the popcorn class.

1. I went to a silent auction
I’d never been to any kind of auction before, but I always picture the kind you see in movies, where priceless artifacts are sold for thousands of dollars, and then maybe a mythical prince shows up and everyone gets eaten alive by tooth fairies:

Then it's vaguely allegorical puppets for the rest of the night

3. I had dinner with Steven’s work
Two guys just talked about sports the whole time, one about how much he hates whiskey, and the boss told TWO stories about really having to pee in quick succession. TWO. Classy. Oh, and then the boss’ wife and whiskey guy talked about how they couldn’t understand people who never wanted to have kids. It’s possible that’s because they haven’t worked with them on a daily basis from a young age. Whereas older adults may shrug off those frequent times you get thrown up on, at fifteen they make an indelible mark that looks like this: “CHILDREN ARE DISGUSTING, UNGRATEFUL BRATS WHO WILL STEAL YOUR LIFE” written in all caps all by itself on a page in your journal. Fifteen-Year-Old Patricia knew what was up.

4. I bought new pillows for our kitchen table
Little known fact: Steven and I have a large coffee table rather than a kitchen table. We sit on the floor on these big pillows Caroline brought to Wiess three years ago, and then abandon in the WAR room when she got new furniture. THE 434 stole them, and then I smuggled them into Trixie at the advent of the road trip somehow KNOWING that I would one day need gigantic pillows to sit on to eat and do my homework. Unfortunately, if there’s anyone around other than Steven and I they are out of luck, so I used a coupon to buy more. One is giraffe print and the other is furry and zebra patterned. It’s like I went on a safari at Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

I know I promised five, but I literally can’t think of anything else remotely out of the ordinary I’ve done this week. Besides my monthly discussion with Steven about if I should take his last name when we get married. The conclusion is always: “lol Mrs. Patricia Wiggins wtf? no way”

Food Lion was more crowded than I’ve ever seen it today
though still not in Florida Hurricane Preparedness Proportions.
It’s next to a sad Burger King, the wrong side of a disregarded exit
Off 54
Everyone was buying:
Their weight in cans
Bottled Water
Candles
Bread and Milk.
Children bundled tightly in snow suits, staring at the sky
Waiting

There was only one man ahead of me
In 10 Items Or Less
He was buying:
A container of chicken wings
A case of beer
Eight frozen pizzas.
He looked like a man who knew he was prepared
In a way the Weather Channel would never think to advocate.
I was buying:
AA batteries
Powdered sugar
Chocolate chips (the two things I’d forgotten for baking)
A giant candle in a glass holder with Arch Angel Michael killing some demon.
I know it was somehow Catholic, but they were the only candles left
It was either Michael or a dead Jesus
And I thought defeating demons was marginally more cheerful
Than to have the eyes of a sad Christ look on
As I try in vain to complete the World’s Largest Crossword after the power goes out
By the light of a candle meant for religion
But somehow next to beer and chicken wings and chocolate chips on the conveyor belt
Just the same.

I spend all of my time in a building designed by M.C. Escher hearing people who haven’t worked in a library in 10+ years prattle on about “What IS information” and “the philosophical meaning of the public library” and how we decide what’s GOOD for our patrons, as if the very fact of BEING a professor in library science weren’t elitist enough. Sometimes other people talk and it is interesting. Most of the time other people talk and they are either A) trying to impress the professor and therefore incomprehensible, B) telling meandering and irrelevant stories about their personal lives, or C) both. When I am not there, I am at home reading the same thing but in written form, and pretending I agree for grades. Sometimes there are also practical assignments, which tend to take three weeks and twenty-five group meetings.

2. I have a job

I get paid to part-timedly do a full time job. It’s like being a public school teacher, but with even more complainy parents and way less vacation.

3. I AM IN GRAD SCHOOL

I don’t think this can be stressed enough

4. The Winterpocalypse is coming

The Weather Channel’s headline this morning was “Winter Misery”. I have decided to just prepare for a hurricane while wearing three sweaters.

5. You can’t believe everything you read

Interesting story: the runner up for the title of my blog was “The Daily Narwhal”. The joke would be that it would neither be daily, nor a narwhal. Hilarious!

Now I am going to read 100 pages of something about how “people negotiate their information needs”, buy batteries, and go to sleep for the first time in like two days.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. Night of the Comet

You seriously do not even know how amazing this is

Night of the Comet is your typical sci-fi disaster post-Apocalyptic zombie movie mixed with a sassy coming of age story all set to a ironically awesome 80′s soundtrack. I was skeptical in the beginning too, but Night of the Comet did not disappoint. Every time I thought it couldn’t get even more awesome, IT FOUND A WAY. Another amazing movie I would never have experienced if Bova hadn’t taken her D3 professor’s derisive comments about its lack of scientific accuracy to heart and ordered it on impulse from Amazon Marketplace. Not only do I think about Bova every time I remember how great this movie was, I also learned from her and it the valuable lesson that impulse purchases of questionable taste are ALWAYS even more amazing than you could ever expect. For instance: the time I rented Santa’s Slay.

2. New linguistic breakthroughs

graspin’ adj.
1. lacking in coolness or basic functionality
2. pathetic
“Ever since my computer got dropped on the floor at O-Week, the screen’s been so graspin’! I can’t even see these lolcats!”

setchy adj.
1. something or someone that is both sketchy and sexy at the same time
2. I am having a hard time thinking of an example of this myself; to me it is more of a theoretical concept than a proven entity. Like the missing link or a Made-for-Sci Fi Channel Original movie with realistic dialogue. Still, if Bova claims to have seen it, I believe her.
“What’s with Steven Wiggin’s mustache? Does he think that’s flattering? Is he trying to be a pirate?” “No, I think he’s trying to be setchy.”

totes jeal adj.
1. totally jealous
“Have you seen how awesome Bova is? I am totes jeal!!!!”

There’s a hole in my bucket phrase
1. Used to describe a state of being when everything seems to go wrong for no discernible reason
2. I actually completely forget what this one means
3. I don’t think it’s meant to be used in an unironic fashion
4. At least I hope
“Meeeerrrrhhhhh there’s a hole in my bucket“

Lesson learned: You can do anything you set your mind to, including irrevocably warping the speech patterns of those around you. I’m sad that I will miss new Bovaglish updates since we’re apart and the next time I see her my version of it will be hopelessly out of date.

3. An appreciation of dramatics

Me: “So tonight I was supposed to meet Steven after work at like 5, and he said he’d call me when he was done. So I drove all the way to Humble and got there at like 5:30 but he still hadn’t called. So I tried to call him for an hour and he never answered. So I got angry and started driving back to Rice in a huff but then half way home started FREAKING OUT that he had gotten into a car accident or was dead somehow and I had spent the last hour leaving him mean voice mail messages. So I turned around and drove back to Humble, parked at the mall, went to the photo place, and asked if Steven was there and she said yes and I said “Tell him his EX girlfriend stopped by” and angrily stormed out and angrily drove home and angrily walked back up to my room and angrily lay on my bed being angry. And then he called at like ten and said he’d just gotten off of work and his phone had died and why was I freaking out so much and I said “If you loved me, you’d be here RIGHT NOW” so now he’s driving here.”

Any other person’s response: “Wow… you are like all kinds of crazy.”

Bova’s response: “AMAZING PATRICIA!!!! That is exactly what I would do!!!! Good job at being dramatic!!!!”

This is why some stories I can only tell to Bova because, rather than tell me I am paranoid or have control issues, she will always agree that the more dramatic and/or romantic something is the better rather than being all judgey and lame.

4. Bitchy Italian Models

This one time, Bova and I took Italian 101 for some reason that probably neither of us remember. One of our projects was to write a lengthy conversation to perform in front of the class using our limited Italian 101 vocabularies, which mostly consisted of describing how people looked. Rather than be lame and just have endless monologues about our families, Bova and I decided to be contestants on Italia’s Next Top Model (actual name of the actual show) and constantly bitch about how ugly each other was.

I've never seen an episode of Italia's Next Top Model, but I assume our conversation piece was what 85% of the real dialogue is like

I don’t remember a lot of the details of the assignment, just a lot of shouting of “IO SONO ITALIA’S NEXT TOP MODEL!” which to this day remains the only thing I remember how to say in Italian. Which is probably all I would ever have to know when going to Italy anyway. Thanks, Bova!!!

5. The Wiess Garage Sale/becoming hobos

At the end of last year, a lot of us realized we owned perfectly serviceble plastic drawers, appliances, bikes, costumes, board games, lawn chairs, hats, ukuleles, and scrolling marquee belt buckles that, sadly, we would have no chances to use again after Rice. To facilitate a mutually beneficial transfer of goods and to stop the bitching, I organized the first ever Wiess Garage Sale. Unfortunately, the twenty or so people I talked to who said they had stuff to sell utterly failed to show up, so it was just Bova and I with our possessions strewn across the acabowl like homeless waifs. If I had been with anyone else, it would have been awkward, but since it was Bova we were still bringing the classy.

Bringing the classy, and an umbrella

And we sold most of our stuff to the disappointed masses thanks to my haggling skills and Bova’s ability to sweeten the bargain by throwing in whatever happened to be lying around.

Okay, so we actually sold almost everything to Rachel Liontas, whatever

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even though there are 12 million more amazing things about Bova, five is a good number to have in a list so I will stop there.

Secret Bonus Reason Number 6 is that she owns at least two tiaras

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOVA!!!!!

1. It’s cold outside, but the bus will be a sauna. Everyone will be packed against each other and sweating in their big jackets. It will be disgusting.
2. Slow girls in high heels, short skirts, and tights will walk slowly in front of me, complaining about how cold they are and how far it is to walk across campus.
3. It’s cold outside, but the computer lab where I have my first class will somehow manage to be EVEN COLDER. It’s been this way all semester, the thermostat will argue, why should anything change now? Shortly before I leave for my second class, a light dusting of frost will appear on all the monitors.
4. Since it’s the last day of cataloging, Goth Prof told us to send her topics that we were interested in so that we could look at those in more detail. Just as a guess, I’m betting no one has burning interest in any area of cataloging that they think we just haven’t covered in more detail. Goth Prof will then decide to show us all the different subject headings for cats.
5. Goth Prof actually has a sticker on the back of her laptop that says “Meowist” with a little cat dressed up to look like Mao and a bunch of red stars. I have been staring at it ALL SEMESTER and only realized last Thursday what it was trying to tell me. It will annoy me that I didn’t realize this earlier. I will attempt to take a picture with my cellphone, but that will also fail.
6. Today will probably be the last time I ever see Goth Prof, and I still have not solved the mystery of why she is like 26 and still Goth.
7. I will slip on the stairs as I’m coming home.
8. Having to go to work.
9. Having to drive so far to work.
10. Traffic.
11. My first tutoring group of the day will not stop talking. I will threaten them. They will ignore me. My attempts to bribe them will work marginally better, but not really.
12. My second tutoring group will consist of one good student, one good student who was free basing pixie sticks before coming in (only possible explanation), and one easily distracted student who hates math. Deadly combination.
13. Having to drive so far to get home.
14. I will slip on the stairs (again).
15. My apartment will not have magically filled with ball pit balls.
16. We will be out of sandwich meat.
17. The hot water will cut off about 2/3 of the way through my shower.
18. We will also be out of juice.

List of Ridiculous People I Have Seen On the Bus
1. Guy in trench coat and Dr. Seuss hat. Added weirdness: this was before it got cold out, so there was really no reason for long sleeves.
2. Mystical Gypsy Fortune Teller Lady. You know that stereotypical character the heroes in the movie/tv show always consult once randomly about their fate/birth mark/mysterious past? I sat next to her on the bus once.
3. Girl with large, oddly red layer cake. It was like blood red, and huge.
4. Small child that stared at me, making roaring noises for fifteen minutes. ROARRRRRR!
5. Mormons. Asking everyone who got on what questions they would like to ask God. I said, “Why are manatees such useless wastes of space?” They chose to ignore this, but my follow up question would have been, “If he’s so omnipotent, why couldn’t he make them to get out of the way of my speed boat?”
6. No Pants Girl. First day of legit chilly weather and she was wearing a sheer skirt and a thong. How do I know she was wearing a thong? Because her skirt had no lining so I could see it. Well, more like I could see that she wasn’t wearing anything else more substantive. She seemed confused.
7. Sleepologist girl. Today I overheard this conversation–actually, overheard is maybe a misleading word. I was standing five people away from these two and couldn’t HELP hearing because the one was pretty much shouting:
Girl 2: cuts everyone in line to stand in front of Girl 1′s face HEY!
Girl 1: makes some kind of sleepy grunt noise
Girl 2: HEY! What time did you go to bed last night?
Girl 1: I don’t know.
Girl 2: WHAT TIME?
Girl 1: I really don’t know.
Girl 2: I WILL NOT ASK YOU AGAIN!!!
Girl 1: I guess around 3.
Girl 2: THREE?!?!?! You NEED to SLEEP!
Girl 1: I did sleep.
Girl 2: ONLY FOUR HOURS IS NOT SLEEP.
Then they had a brief debate about exactly how many hours and minutes she’d slept. This seemed to be confused by the fact that they kept hearing the other say different times, and neither seemed to be able to subtract in base sixty
Girl 2: Well, whatever. THERE IS NO WAY THAT WAS REM SLEEP!
Girl 1: Rapid eye movement sleep.
Girl 2: NO, you need AT LEAST six hours a night. And NO sleeping in the library! And no excuses about coffee.
Girl 1: It was Mountain Dew or whatever.
Girl 2: NO EXCUSE! Watch TV for thirty minutes under the blanket, lie on your bed in the dark, close your eyes, and try to think calming thoughts.
The bus arrives. I sit near the front. They sit in the back. Despite other people on the bus, I still hear vague shouts of “SLEEP!” and “THIS IS NOT A REQUEST!” throughout the bus ride.

I can only assume Girl 2 was some kind of sleepologist in training and Girl 1 was her test subject who kept refusing to follow orders.

1. Getting off an entirely too crowded bus without smacking anyone in the face with my bag Some of the undergrads still need to learn how to do this
2. Looking like an incredibly serious studier in the SILS library when I am really just reading trashy teen girl novels This week’s is about a slutty California girl and a prim English girl who switch places! Recipe for amazing? Or just trite Prince and the Pauper knock off?
3. American Born Chinese
4. Finding information about causes of the American Revolution (still in progress)
5. Wheedling Steven into doing ALL of the cooking
6. And the laundry
7. Being cold
8. Bribing children into doing what I want
9. Writing poorly plotted novels way fast.
10. Negotiating an apartment full of appliances/fixtures that all ALMOST work exactly right
11. Making my parents feel guilty about how I’m Gonna Make It On My Own Christmas is going to be awesome
12. Ignoring my blog for long stretches of time Luckily I don’t think anyone’s noticed. Or maybe sadly.
13. Every program in Microsoft Office Except PowerPoint but we’re starting that today! It’s funny how the waiver form for this course wanted you to know all these programming languages, but the actual course is just an intense semester-long Microsoft Office tutorial.
14. Being resigned Some battles aren’t worth fighting. Like the battle to get my collection development prof to give us any grades ever.
15. Not slipping and falling down the stairs every time it rains You may laugh, but they are MAD dangerous. Three people have already plummeted down them.