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2011 Book List: The Ugly

January 2nd, 2012 by pladd

To complete my 2011 book list, where I vowed to give you The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly, here’s the Ugly list! Where I pass judgement over book covers that I’ve had to stare at for varying lengths of time this year.

Annie on my Mind by Nancy Garden

The rest of these won’t be in any order, but I really think this is the ugliest cover I’ve had to stare at this year. It’s a 1982 novel about two high school girls discovering their feelings for each other, and is actually really sweet. I could see it still being enjoyed by readers today, if this cover doesn’t completely turn them off. Hello, lumberjack vests!

Elixir "by" Hilary Duff

Obvs you don’t want the cover art taking away from the real selling point, Hilary Duff’s name, but I feel like I could have made a better one for this book in MSPaint. It’s just a clipart picture of a flower, copied and slightly rotated. Step it up, Hilary Duff’s publicist.

Speaking of covers influenced by Twilight, here are three more:

Sleepless by Cyn Balog

Flowers have something to do with sandmen right?

Bones of Faerie by Janni Lee Simner

If you’re going to go with one thing on black, at least make it a fairy skeleton!

The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti

This was a pretty great non-fiction book by an author who, I’m pretty sure, would completely hate Bella Swan and her representation of femininity. The cover is actually fine on its own, but it earns a place on this list for reminding me of Twilight every time I have to look at it, something you know I can never forgive.

Stork by Wendy Delsol

BLARGHARGHBLARGHRAWR STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT, YOU FREAK

The Fairy Godmother by Mercedes Lackey

I’m usually against any book cover where the author name is larger than the title, but this one has other problems too. That font? The attack sparkles? I can’t take it.

Black Hole by Charles Burns

Oh, teeth.

One Butt Cheek at a Time by Amber Kizer

So, I could be wrong, but I think this is the book I read this year that was kind of put together from lots of different suggestions from the author’s blog. I know I read something like that, and hated it, and this cover kind of looks like it was haphazardly designed by the same committee, so I’m going to say it was this one.

The Wedding by Danielle Steel

With the full panoply of Microsoft Office 95 wedding clipart available to you, you chose that?

Hot Gimmick vol. 1 by Miki Aihara

Are your lips deformed? Is your mouth oddly open? I can’t decide which is weirder, but either way it’s ugly.

Lush by Natasha Friend

It’s a book about alcoholism; you had so many options! And you chose random cookie cut out on Carolina Blue. Ugh.

Alanna: The First Adventure by Tamora Pierce

Y’all know I love a good Tamora Pierce, but these new covers they got at the library are graspin. What’s wrong with your face, Alanna? Are you a vampire?

Wild Magic by Tamora Pierce

Daine, you’re having horse-fever hallucinations again.

The Will of the Empress by Tamora Pierce

Either her creepy all-seeing eyes fill the jaundiced sky or she has a huge and really embarrassingly shaped pimple on her nose.

The DUFF by Kody Keplinger

I actually think this cover is kind of appropriate for this book, but that still doesn’t mean I want to look at it.

Hayate the Combat Butler by Kenjiro Hata

You can’t give me a title like that and then just slap a picture of some annoying girl on there. I need to see some combat butlering!

Texas Gothic by Rosemary Clement-Moore

You know I love Rosemary Clement-Moore, but this cover really bothered me (luckily I read the book so fast, it wasn’t for long!). Amy! Close your mouth! Fix your hair! How are you supposed to fight the forces of darkness when you can’t even see straight and you’re choking on bugs??

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs

I didn’t like this book, and I think one of the big reasons is that the cover deceived me. This book is not a creepy-child horror story. This book is about time travel and a considerably more lame version of the X-men.

Already started my list for 2012!!!

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2011 Book List: The Bad

December 23rd, 2011 by pladd

As I explained previously, I’m giving you the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of my reading list this year! Here are the worst books I’ve read, which I found because they have the lowest star rating I could give on GoodReads (1).


The Wedding by Danielle Steel
Can two people who are vaguely different make it? Yes, because they have so much boring in common! I read this for class because it was a bestseller (I think in the 90s?). The main character is a Mary Sue named Allegra, and I can’t remember anything else about it besides that I hated her and wanted her to get attacked by flesh-eating bees. Sadly, she got married instead. ONE STAR.


The Birthing House by Christopher Ransom
A creepy ghost whose only power is surprise pregnancy. Terrifying, yes, but not what I want out of my ghost stories. ONE STAR.


Stork by Wendy DelSol
I did a more detailed hate-writeup of this here, but it’s basically Twilight, but with surprise pregnancy instead of vampires. ONE STAR.


Callie’s Rules by Naomi Zucker
I really don’t remember anything about this book or why I hated it. I think it had something to do with the town banning Halloween. Unless that debate involves wild accusations of cannibalism and someone counterattacking with how pagan all Christmas traditions are, I don’t care. ONE STAR.


Twenty Times a Lady by Karyn Bosnak
This book made me sad for women everywhere. Clearly revisiting all your ex-boyfriends because of the arbitrary advice from Cosmo is the best life plan after getting fired. Sure, they were jerks before, but I’m sure they’ve all changed since then. NEGATIVE ONE THOUSAND STARS.


Bones of Faerie by Janni Lee Simner
All I can remember is everyone talking about a way cool fairy/human war that would have made a much better book than this. ONE STAR.


Narcissus in Chains by Lauren K. Hamilton
For some reason, having sex in public is the answer to most of the heroines problems. Also a vampire and a werewolf are vying for her affections. I think my brain has blocked out everything but that. ONE STAR.


Pornified by Pamela Paul
I took off a lot of points for misleading summaries of research and really unscientific research methods. Also I think I was suspicious of a lot of her sources, since I read all of the citations after becoming increasingly skeptical of her findings. (A Billion Wicked Thoughts, which I also read this year, covers porn in much more interesting and scientific way. ONE STAR.


The Alpha Bet by Stephanie Hale
college has only two sororities! One is pure evil and the other is perfect and amazing and fun and everyone is so nice!!! ONE STAR.


One Butt Cheek at a Time by Amber Kizer
I honestly don’t remember anything about this book or why I didn’t like this. But I know I did. I’m going to guess I found the main character irritating.


The Society of Unrelenting Vigilance or Candle Man by Glenn Dakin
I still can’t tell which is the series title and which is the book title. This book annoyed me so much that I actually wrote a review on GoodReads! Here is what it said:

I really wanted to like this book. The title definitely hooked me, and I was interested to see why the main character, Theo, was being imprisoned by the clearly evil Dr. Saint. Unfortunately, the plot quickly slowed to a series of random events which did not mesh seamlessly (or really at all) into a whole plot. Theo himself is completely unlikeable, spending most of the book scared, unsure of himself, and not understanding what is going on around him, making his a very poor narrative point of view. His sidekick, Chloe, is mainly used as a deus ex machina. Each time the author writes himself into a corner–SURPRISE! Chloe is a double agent with secret connections, Chloe has memorized the secret system of tunnels, Chloe has been fighting the evil Society of Good Works since she was six! I can tell the author wants me to find Chloe funny, exciting, and awesome–mostly because Theo spends the whole book telling me she is–but I never found a good enough reason to care about her. I also spent most of the novel confused about the time period. The narrative had a very steampunk feel, but at one point someone hands Theo a laptop. Dakin’s attempt at world-building seems haphazard at best. At the end, a very minor character dies, and we’re told by a tearful Chloe that this character “was the real hero of the story”. Unfortunately, this is true, as this character–appearing in probably two scenes at most and doing nothing in either–was by far my favorite, since she hadn’t appeared often enough to be annoying. What was she like? I have no idea, but almost anything would be better than the “heroes” we have. Hopefully some of these issues are cleared up in the sequel, but I can’t see myself attempting to slog through more of Dakin’s uninspired prose to read.


Vanish by Sophie Jordan
This is the sequel to Firelight, which James convinced me to read. Jacinda spends most of it whining about everything that happens, even when she gets her way. Also, I don’t understand why people who can turn into dragons are so scared of normal humans. YOU CAN TURN INTO A DRAGON. One star.

 

Continue on to The Ugly

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2011 Book List: The Good

December 22nd, 2011 by pladd

According to my GoodReads account, I have read 185 so far in 2011! There were probably some I forgot to record, not to mention the ones I’ve reread, but that’s still pretty good! They even show me a cute little pie chart:

"YA" is my most popular category!

I thought I would show you The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of what I’ve read this year, based on the amount of stars I gave them! Starting with The Good first! These books all got 5 stars from me:


The Alanna Series by Tamora Pierce
I reread these this year and gave them 5 stars mostly for nostalgia purposes. Alanna used to be my favorite book character ever, complete middle school role model. This year I’ve decided I actually like Kel better, but Alanna and her magical lady knight ways will always have a place in my heart.


The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley
Intrepid girl detective/chemist solves two grisly murders! Also there’s pie!


Into the Wild Nerd Yonder by Julie Halpern
Sewing, LARP, D&D, and audio books! I’m pretty sure this book was written specifically for me!


Please Ignore Vera Dietz by A.S. King
Vera solves a few crimes, sees ghosts, and is a badass!


Attachments by Rainbow Rowell
90s nostalgia! A book written in emails! Secret IT love! I’m there.


What the World Eats and other books by Faith D’Alussio and Peter Menzel
This series was amazing! It’s pictures of either a single person or a whole family with the food that they eat for an entire week or day! With explanations about their food choices, living situation, country, where their food comes from etc. I learned so much about other countries from these books! Read the rest of this entry »

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Little Moments: 5 Tiny Things to be Happy About

August 26th, 2011 by pladd

Here are five relatively inconsequential things that make me disproportionately happy! Maybe reading about them will make you happy too!

1. The Perfect Toast
It’s not like we even have a fancy toaster. It’s a pretty normal two-slicer:

It insisted I photograph from its "good side"

Okay, it IS red, but that’s just to match the microwave Rachel and I used to own together (she now has visitation rights). Still, despite its simplicity I am too lazy to ever mess with the one dial or any of the buttons. Or maybe I just forget that those things exist until my toast comes out un-toasted or burned or whatever. The reason the level of toastedness changes each time? Steven has no such forgetfulness! He is a pretty much a toastmaster (and not the kind that always yells at me from the other library conference room that my puppet shows are too loud). He is always changing the heat setting or leaving it on “bagel” or whatever. So each time I make toast, it is pretty much a carnival game; you never know what will pop out!

This morning, it was the PERFECT toast. The toast that all other toast wishes it were. The best toast of all the toast. Truly, I have met the toast messiah, and I have eaten it. It was delicious! Just the right amount of crispy while still having soft parts inside, and burned nowhere. This set the tone for the rest of the day, made all the more glorious by the fact that it was a complete surprise.

2. Stickers!
For some reason, the envelopes I have right now are almost see-through. This bothers me, because I imagine some postal workers reading my secrets! Which I of course send through the mail on a daily basis. The answer is, naturally, to cover up key parts of the envelope with stickers! An envelope with stickers travels through the mail 45% faster, according to a detailed and totally sciencey study conducted by PIM (Patricia Institute of Mailology, of which I am director). Plus, everyone loves stickers! ESPECIALLY the Texas Comptroller! I’m sure she only ever gets boring mail usually. Look out, Austin, my unclaimed property claim is on its way, and it is STYLIN’!

3. Pretty notebooks
As you know, I keep a journal, and have practically since forever. I’ve used my fair share of “the cheapest notebook I can find” journals, which worked out fine, but I’ve discovered through tireless journal research for the AJJ (Academic Journal of Journaling, P.R.Ladd Editor-in-Chief) that journalers write more often and better content when using a pretty journal. I got these pretty notebooks at Target for $4!

After I finish these, I'm going to decorate one myself!

4. Hurricane Food
Okay, so as a hurricanologist, I know the importance of stocking up on canned goods and non-perishables early. The best part is it authorizes you to buy ridic things you would feel too much shame to buy or eat on a normal basis. But it’s totally, totally okay to get them as hurricane supplies. It’s a HURRICANE! You will be way too busy trying to make sure your flashlight-lantern doesn’t go out leaving you at the mercy of deadly hurricane goblins to worry that you are eating something marketed to seven-year-olds and probably terrible for you.

Don't worry, mom, Steven made me buy normal food too

Don’t believe in hurricane goblins? They’re kind of like those vampires that live in the arctic and come out during winter when the sun doesn’t. Luckily, besides being well stocked with batteries, I also have emergency candles:

I'm not really sure what these are, but they were the only candles at Food Lion


Bring it, goblins. I’m from Florida.

5. Conferring titles on yourself!
Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it! It can really cheer you up. Here is just a sampling of my auspicious resume:

Speculative Zoologist
Zombie Attack Consultant
Leading Scrunchie Advocate
Library Mad Scientist
Pie Wrangler
Director, Patricia Institute of Mailology
Editor in Chief, Academic Journal of Journaliing

I would include Hurricanologist but that is 100% serious.

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Kick Ass Women: Literary Characters Edition

July 19th, 2011 by pladd

To continue my current project of praising some kick ass women that helped influence Middle School Patricia for the better, here is a list of kick ass women characters from books I remember reading and enjoying! Middle School Patricia read a lot–probably way too much, looking back–so literary characters definitely had way more influence on her than they probably should have.

Elizabeth, the Paper Bag Princess

As seen in the book of the same name by Robert Munsch


Peggy Orenstein of Cinderella Ate My Daughter fame actually mentions this picture book when she’s trying to find more female-empowering fairy tales to read to her daughter. Unfortunately, she doesn’t like this story very much either, because she says the message seems to be that princesses can’t be strong women AND find love. They have to choose one or the other. Personally, I don’t think that is really the point of the book at all. Here is a plot rundown in case your childhood was deprived:

A dragon wrecks Princess Elizabeth’s castle and carries off the prince she was going to marry! Rather than sit around feeling sorry for herself or waiting for someone to rescue her, she puts on the only thing she can find–a paper bag–and sets off after the dragon to rescue her prince herself. She tricks the dragon into wearing himself out and falling fast asleep, and then heads on into his lair to find worthless Prince Ronald. Prince Ronald is appalled by her gross singed hair and terrible choice of clothing and tells her to come back when she looks like a “real” princess. Elizabeth tells Ronald that even though he may look like a prince, he is really just “a bum” and runs off into the sunset.

Whatever, Ronald, like you're NOT dressed like a tool?

So, Peggy is right: Princess Elizabeth doesn’t get married at the end. Which I think is awesome! I hate how stories always end with the female protagonist getting married, as if that is the pinnacle of a woman’s existence and nothing of note will ever happen to her again. I also don’t see this ending as saying “all men suck and Elizabeth can never get married because she is too strong a lady”. Elizabeth won’t marry Ronald, which is totally the right choice and I don’t think anyone would argue otherwise. For all we know, she is running off into the sunset to find an awesome guy who doesn’t care about her appearance and would not act like such a prat when she just went to the trouble of rescuing him! The moral is not that strong women can’t find husbands; it’s that appearances don’t matter, and you shouldn’t waste your time with people who think they do! Elizabeth is amazing no matter what she is wearing, even if it is just a paper bag, and Ronald is a total jerk even though he is always dressed in the medieval fantasy version of Aeropastale. Secondarily, Elizabeth doesn’t “have” to get married at the end of her story just because she’s a princess or a woman. I wish more stories for girls ended without them finding love, because having it happen in pretty much every book creates too much pressure and unrealistic expectations.

Some people have thought it seemed like a weird choice for me to dress as for my wedding, what with it being kind of the opposite of a love story. And, yeah, it’s not going to work out for Elizabeth and Ronald, but I think this story can still teach us a lot about love: how important it is to love yourself, to find someone who can love you no matter the clothes or hair or other superficial things, and not to ever settle with someone who is less than perfect just because it’s the end of the story and you feel like that means you have to get married. Luckily, I have taken all those lessons to heart, which is why I’m marrying Steven Wiggins, not Prince Ronald.

I mean, is this the face of a man that cares about appearances? Not enough to untag himself on facebook, apparently


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5 Things I Got From My Mom… That I Couldn’t Be Happier About

July 12th, 2011 by pladd

Naturally I have to start my week of Kick Ass Women with my mom! It’s hard for girls not to be super influenced by their moms, so I’m lucky mine is such a great role model. Feeling like you’re becoming your mother seems to be a pretty common concept for women, at least in movies, books, and newspaper comics, and it is usually met with dread and annoyance. Personally, I am pretty excited about it since it means turning even more awesome! Here are 5 Things about me that I can already recognize are part of this process, and I am totally stoked about all of them:

1. The Drive to Find Something You Love, and Do It No Matter What

If you know my mom, you know she’s a math teacher. It’s impossible to not know this about her, it’s so much a part of who she is. It is kind of ridiculous how much extra time outside of school she spends preparing, grading, and communicating with parents and students. In one of the education classes I had to take in grad school the prof was telling us about how most teachers suck because they don’t communicate with parents. She finally admitted that some teachers will try to contact a parent if the student is doing poorly, but “have you ever heard of a teacher who contacts a parent with positive reinforcement?” I get that she was trying to make a point, but I still raised my hand and said, “Yes, I lived with her for 18 years and the rest of y’all really need to catch up.” Okay, maybe not that last part.

My mom, outside her classroom!

Because I grew up with this, I didn’t really think it was weird that she went in hours early and stayed hours late to help students before and after school, or spent entire evenings calling parents, or made breakfast for her classes before the big AP test. That’s just what you do when you have a job, right?

Well, in the real world, it turns out not really. This study found that only 20% of people are very passionate about their jobs, and that was back in 2005. The same year, coincidentally, that I got my first job and poured about 50-60 hours a week into making the library the best place ever. Sure, it’s not the most glamorous or well-paying job ever, but I love it, and I don’t mind pouring more time and energy into it than anything else in my life because I know it’s worth it. Just like to my mom teaching is worth it. Perhaps the most important lesson she taught me through her own kick ass example is to love what you do, and do whatever it takes to do what you love. Because in the end, happiness is more important than money or fame or any of the other things I might be hoarding if I weren’t so into librarianing.

Not as important as loving your job... but both would be nice

2. A Healthy Attitude About Beauty

This had to be on the list since a preoccupation with beauty standards is something it’s almost impossible to escape as a girl in our society. I’m not saying I was totally immune–I suffered through middle school just like everyone else, thanks–but it definitely could have been a lot worse if I was also feeling subconscious pressure from my mom. It’s not like it would have been her fault, but you internalize so much at that age she couldn’t have helped it. If I’d grown up seeing my mom plaster her face with thick coats of makeup every day before daring to show her face outside or spending hours “fixing” her hair I’m sure I too would have assumed I needed all that, just to be presentable. Instead, she never really worried about it.

"The only thing I'm worried about is why you are still taking pictures when it is summer in Houston and I am dying of heat stroke, DAD"

Pretty much every potential fashion/beauty discussion I ever had with my mom growing up centered around the question “Are you comfortable?”, from which shoes to buy to how to deal with my hair. It’s not that we don’t want to look nice, but that will always be a secondary concern to things like “Can I walk?” and “Am I melting because we live in Florida?” Seeing the money and effort and worry people expend on beauty in the real world, I’m glad I never learned to stress about it too much.
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June Book List

July 1st, 2011 by pladd

The Best Book I Read This Month


Poplorica: A Popular History of the Fads, Mavericks, Inventions, and Lore that Shaped Modern America by Martin J. Smith
My favorite non-fiction books are often ones that follow the history of something really random, like marriage customs or friendship or hats. This book was my favorite of this month because each chapter was a little mini-historical expose on something small but interesting! There were chapters on diapers, front lawns, dieting, product placement, and, my personal favorite, TV dinners. Did you know the first grocery store to buy TV dinners from the manufacturer did so, not because he was sure about this newfangled convenience food thing, but because he knew women would like to use the empty trays for storing buttons? This book was full of random, fun facts like that, and because each chapter had a different subject there was no time to get bored. A really great book to just read little snippets of when you have time, which was perfect for me this month!

The Worst Book I Read This Month

Okay, this one is a total tie. On the one hand, I think one is actually a lot worse, but at least it was bad in a way I enjoyed reading. That would be:

Daughter of the Blood by Anne Bishop
You probably don’t remember like a million years ago when I noted here that Anna Baron had tipped me one trashy romance novel for doing some last minute revisions to the one act I wrote that year. What I didn’t mention is that it is in fact THREE terrible erotic fantasy novels in one book. That’s 1200 pages of multiple attempted rapes and ridiculous genital jewelry. I have as yet failed in any attempts to read it until James Fox basically forced me to this month. I’m done with the first book and I’ve got to say: it’s so bad it’s pretty hilarious. I’m not even talking about the ridiculous plotting or the way the author claims it’s a matriarchal society but the men still seem to have all the power. I’m talking about the writing and how these people are described, because it is ridic. Every other character has “a voice filled with deep caverns and soft thunder” or “eyes filled with the summer breeze and lightning”. Plus, all of the supposedly attractive love interests have “glittering golden eyes” which can turn to “a hard yellow” when they’re angry. Gold or yellow, doesn’t matter, Anne Bishop: both are creepy and weird. In this first book the main character Mary Sue heroine is 12, which makes absolutely everyone being attracted to her that much creepier. Luckily the main love scene takes place in some kind of mental dreamscape where she is not only an adult, but also a feral unicorn maiden. So, you know, totally not sketchy.

So that book is terrible. But terrible in a way that’s hilarious and I actually enjoy, like Titanic II. This book however:

Twenty Times a Lady by Karyn Bosnak
The main character reads a magazine article about how the average woman has slept with 10 guys, and freaks out because she has slept with 20! Oh no, she’s a total ho! The only thing to do, to avoid going over the limit, is to make it work with one of those 20. So, since she’s just been laid off anyway, she goes on a ridiculous road trip across the country to “casually bump into them”. Of course, her OTL is really her cute Irish next door neighbor who totally helps her out even though she is clearly neurotic (who buys a DOG on a road trip?). If this plot sounds familiar, it’s because they’re turning it into a movie called What’s Your Number?. As bad as that trailer looks, I assure you the movie will still be 34 times better than this book. The book’s main character is stupid, bigoted, and selfish, haphazardly careening through her own life and totally unable to understand those around her. Not that I do either since most of them are ALL ABOUT her, despite her having no redeeming qualities whatsoever. This book actually made me feel insulted pretty much every minute I was reading it. Why do they think this character will appeal to women? “Oh, yes, instead of looking for a new job, I too have blown all of my severance pay to go on an unplanned roadtrip across the country just to check that all the jerks I used to date are still jerks because I’ve set some arbitrary limit for myself. After reading Cosmo.” That’s TOTALLY how women are, you guys. All the while her mother is pressuring her to find a man “because otherwise it means you’re a lesbian”–don’t even get me started on that–with the time limit of her younger sister’s wedding. A younger sister getting married before the older one? Horrors! Here is what I learned about my gender from this book:
1) Men are the single most important things in the entire universe to us. If we lack their approval, we are nothing.
2) Cosmo is the most respected source of information. Not our family and friends, not our own common sense. Cosmo.
3) Who cares about practical concerns? All we care about are our feelings! Our tumultuous, impossible to verbalize feelings!
4) When we tell other women that we’re not jealous or angry, what we really mean is that we are seething with subconscious rage.
5) So a guy cheats on you and makes you unhappy? So what! At least you have a man, without which you will never be complete as a person. So you’d better just stick with him anyway
6) A cool mom is a mom who’s okay with a interracial dating. But not homosexuality?
7) Being mistaken for a lesbian is the gravest insult society can throw at you. And it will happen if you’re not attached to a man at all times, so watch out.
So, yeah, this book, though more main stream than Planet Magic Jewel Dragon Girl, really pissed me off.
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First Sentence Test

June 29th, 2011 by pladd

My friend Brian (the weather witch) recently wrote a blog post about judging a book by its first sentence. This concept intrigued me because it’s not really something I notice. My strategy for deciding if I will like a book or not usually involves reading until I get bored and then deciding if I’m far enough along to warrant finishing anyway. A lot of times I’ll end up slogging through despite boredom (although I do have a separate shelf on my GoodReads account for books I started but couldn’t finish). Most of the time I feel honor bound to finish a book, since so much of what I read is chosen to increase my librarian abilities, not satisfy personal taste. I mean, clearly.

But maybe there IS a kind of first sentence that really draws me in, at least subconsciously, so I decided to look at the first sentences of every book I’ve ever considered my favorite. It turns out, a lot of them started in medias res, or at least just jumping right on into some action without any annoying framing or scene setting. Let me hit you with some examples:

“This time there would be no witnesses.”
Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams

I know, if one of your favorite books is by Douglas Adams, it almost has to be Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and believe me, I am ALL ABOUT manic depressive robots having conversations with sentient mattresses, but Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency has always been closer to my heart. I used to think it was because it combined my love of “Rime of the Ancient Mariner”, time travel, and vindictive horoscope writers, but now I’m thinking maybe it’s all in the first sentence. Hitchhiker’s, after all, begins with some scene setting. Some massively general scene setting:

“Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.”
The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams

I’m not saying it’s bad, but it doesn’t draw me in as immediately. With the former I immediately want to know 1) what are you doing that you don’t want anyone to see? and 2) what happened LAST time? With the latter I just kind of nod and say “Yep”. Here’s an even more dramatic example:

“So this was how it ended.”
Devilish by Maureen Johnson

How WHAT ended? I thought this book was about teen girls and cupcakes! Although, in retrospect, the title should have clued me in that this book is more serious business. Still:

The Face of the Devil

“There was no doubt about it: there was a fox behind the climbing frame.”
Un Lun Dun by China Mieville

This sentence kind of makes me feel like I’ve just come in at the tail end of an argument that goes “That’s totally a fox, you guys!!!” “No, it can’t be!” “It SO is! Look! Look!” Also, I’m not sure what a climbing frame is, so, again, SUSPENSE until I figure it out. I even used this tactic in my own book, although granted not as dramatically as Adams or Johnson:

“Etheos grumbled something inaudible to himself, but ate the muffin anyway.”
The Knight, the Wizard, and the Lady Pig by Patricia Ladd

I mean, what could possibly be so wrong with a muffin, Etheos? Unless it’s gross or something, and then why are you eating it? Is someone forcing you? Why is your name Etheos? How do you say that, anyway? SO MANY QUESTIONS. Or maybe I just have an affinity for baked goods, whatever.
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