The Lost Conspiracy by Frances Hardinge

Which I decided to read since I liked Fly By Night so much. As always, Hardinge’s world-building is superb, this time bringing us to the island of Gullstruck, covered in jungles and slave to the whims of its many volcanoes. From many of the native tribes on the island come the peculiar Lost, a group of people whose senses are not tied to their bodies and who can therefore send their sight or hearing drifting miles away from them at will. Hathin thinks she occupies one of the lowliest places in this world in her starving village, one of the hated and feared Lace Tribe. It’s her job to make sure no one ever finds out that her sister, Arilou, famed as the only Lost among the Lace, is not really Lost at all, but “wander-witted”. Or is she? This point becomes especially murky when all of the other Lost mysteriously die at the same time one night, and everyone blames the Lace and Arilou in particular. Hathin and Arilou flee their village to trek all over Gullstruck fleeing their enemies (an evil traveling dentist; racial prejudice) and amassing allies (a group of revenge-seekers; an elephant bird; a governor who’s a little too obsessed with sacrificing ridiculous things to his ancestors, like soap; volcanoes). I don’t think I identified with the characters as much as in Fly By Night but the sense of place was well worth the read.

You should read this book if:
1) You sometimes feel totally invisible in favor of a sibling
2) You like your messages about racial prejudice in an exciting format
3) Sentient volcanoes!

Next up:

Skulduggery Pleasant by Derek Landy

You should read this book if:
1) Terry Pratchett’s books about Death are your favorite
2) You are all about unattributed dialogue
3) You have always dreamed of choosing your own name

OH RIGHT. That’s the other thing. So in this world, you have three names. The name you were born with, which you probably don’t know but would recognize on some unconscious level, the name you were given, what your parents named you, and the name you chose. A fake name you made up that protects your other two names from being used in spells against you. The name is also supposed to be some kind of reflection of who you are deep inside or something. Hence Skulduggery Pleasant, Nefarian Serpine, China Sorrows, Mr. Bliss, Ghastly Bespoke etc. Guess which one is the bad guy. And when dear Stephanie finally gets around to choosing one for herself: Valkyrie Cain. I bet there are real people out there named Valkyrie, but I also would be unable to take them seriously. Unless they were also a Warrior Mage Princess Sparklpire Unicorn-Riding French-Speaker. Who was a mermaid.

However, on the plus side, I cannot stop thinking about ridiculous things I should name myself. You know, if Pladd is out.

On the one hand, I think the idea of publishing random letters children write to anyone is awesome, double points for fictional characters, but I also think Bill Adler handled it sort of weirdly. My main gripe is that interspersed throughout the letters in the book were random black and white drawings of Random Fantasy Creatures 24-37 from Lisa Frank‘s An October of Orcs collection. Since they didn’t even remotely resemble Harry Potter characters/creatures, I began to suspect that someone deep in the production process of this book was only vaguely aware of what Harry Potter is actually about.

In all, there were about three kinds of letters in this book. Here are some examples I made up just now:

Letter Type 1: The Compulsive Questioner
Dear Harry,
How are you? How are Ron and Hermione? Tell them Hi from me. How is Professor Dumbledore? How is Hagrid? Are the Dursleys still being mean to you? Is Snape still taking points away from Gryffindor? Have you taught Neville to remember the common room passwords yet? Have you heard from Sirius? How are Fred and George? How did you feel when [insert plot of an entire Harry Potter book of your choice]? Please write back soon with the answers to my questions!
Sincerely,
Inquisitive Child

PS: Sorry I couldn’t send this by owl. My owl’s broken.

Letter Type 2: The Stalker
Dear Harry,
How has your summer been? I hope the Dursleys aren’t locking you in your room again and that you can spend time with Ron and his family. You don’t even know who I am!!! My name is Megan and I’m a muggle from America. You are probably wondering how I even know you! Don’t worry about it.
Were you scared when Professor Trelawney predicted your death? Why don’t you just quit like Hermione? I like Hermione best because she is smart and amazing, just like me. You are my second favorite, though. Are four poster beds comfortable? Does Neville snore? How annoying does that get? You are probably wondering how I know all this about you, but don’t worry, I don’t spy on you at school or anything.
Saving your toenail clippings,
Stalker Child

PS: Sorry I couldn’t send this by owl. I’ll just leave it on your pillow.

Letter Type 3: The Fanfiction Sorceress
Dear Harry,
How are you? I’m fine. My muggle name is Anne, but I am really a very powerful sorceress named Zenella Araminta Arabellanna. I have long silver hair and sparkling blue eyes. I always wear beautiful blue dresses and silver shoes to match my hair and my eyes change color when I have different emotions, or just to match my clothes. I go to school at a wizard academy you probably haven’t heard of. It flies around in the air, and we all ride dragons to class. I am Head Girl and also Captain of my Quidditch Team where I am a seeker just like you. I am part mermaid and also part veela! Do you have any pets? I have a pet unicorn and a pet phoenix. Their names are Midnight Shadows and Sky Dancer. Maybe I will be an exchange student to Hogwarts soon and I will meet you. We will have to play Quidditch against each other!! I will probably beat you, but then we can go on a date.
Perfectly Yours,
Mary Sue

PS: Sorry I couldn’t send this by owl. My owl died. I think Sky Dancer and Midnight Shadows ate it for being too normal.

Anyway, because of these entirely uninformed habits, it always kind of amazes me when I pick out a book I genuinely really like. And this weekend I read TWO. It was craziness.

Up first:

Fly By Night by Frances Hardinge

The first chapter of this book features misfit 12-year-old Mosca rescuing a conman from the stocks in exchange for employment, stealing a homicidal goose, and burning down her uncle’s mill. The conman, after various failed attempts at trying to lose her, eventually leads her into a world of disputed kingship, guild war and espionage, heavy censorship, and religious confusion. It’s not just Hardinge’s intensely detailed world-building, but Mosca and the reader are never really sure who’s on what side until the very end, which makes for exciting dramatic reveals. My favorite part was a Robin Hood-like escape turned sea battle between floating coffee houses. Also that the Guild of Stationers threatened to fight a battle by stabbing rival guildsmen with pens and crushing them underneath printing presses. Also: homicidal goose consistently saves the day. Come on.

You should read this book if:
1) Brave New World and 1984 are too old and serious but you want the same kind of message
2) You like characters who are mostly disreputable but sometimes decide to do the right thing, you know, just to keep people guessing
3) HOMICIDAL GOOSE

Then, as if that weren’t enough book love for one weekend, I also got:

China Mieville's Un Lun Dun

The only thing I don’t like about this book is that the girl on the cover looks kind of freaky, especially at night, so I always had to keep it cover-down when not reading.

Un Lun Dun is basically Alice in Wonderland on speed. After a series of weird and unexplainable events, Zanna and her friend Deebra follow a sentient umbrella to a strange parallel-London, an “abcity”, called UnLondon, where things from the real London go after they’ve become “moderately obsolete” or have just fallen through the cracks. Zanna is greeted by the strange inhabitants as some kind of mythical hero who will deliver them from their greatest enemy, a sentient form of smog banished from London after the Clean Air Act, but it eventually falls to Deebra to go on a bizarre quest with the help of a boy who’s half-ghost, a tailor with a pincushion for a head who makes clothes out of book pages, a bus conductor and his flying bus, and a sentient milk carton. Also, KILLER GIRAFFES. Here’s an excerpt:

“They’ve done a good job making people believe that those hippy refugees in the zoo are normal giraffes. Next you’ll tell me that they’ve got long necks so they can reach high leaves! Nothing to do with waving the bloody skins of their victims like flags, of course. There’s a lot of animals very good at that sort of disinformation. There are no cats in UnLondon, for example, because they’re not magic and mysterious at all, they’re idiots.”–Busconductor Jones pg. 53

And, as if that weren’t enough, China Mieville also does his own illustrations:

A Binja!

This and other illustrations (including the homicidal giraffes) can be found here.

This was definitely the best book I’ve read in a long time, and not just because they mention Extreme Librarians or Bookaneers. You should read this book if:
1) You are alive.

Using the currently popular Twilightesque cover art style of "something vague on black"

Naturally, I chose this for the cover art. I’m ashamed to admit it, but the Twilight art style works on me. Part of me thinks half the reason for Twilight‘s popularity is its cover art (despite the fact that it is blatant false advertising).

So maybe my selection process (judging a book by its cover) was the one thing traditional librarian archetypes are urging us NEVER to do (that, and to use our library voices), so I shouldn’t have expected too much. I will say this, the premise of the book was pretty baller. There aren’t nearly enough stories about killer trees in this world. I think the main problem with this book is that I felt like I was reading a sequel to a much better book that I’d rather be reading instead. Here’s the sitch:

Liza lives with her abusive father in a town where any child perceived to have magic is abandon in the woods to be eaten by wild animals. Is this 13th century Europe, you ask? NO! It’s the FUTURE! And the world is just barely recovering from a war with EARTH MAGIC FAIRY ELVES (or something) who came through the St. Louis Arch and started sending plants to take root IN YOUR SKIN.

Gateway to the West? Or Gateway to ELVEN TREE DOOM

However, none of that happens in the story. Sure, occasionally the trees try to eat her, and the corn they harvest moans and screams when they pick it, but for the most part, the world is in recovery. Liza discovers that she, like most people born after the war, has magic, and so, rather than face her father’s wrath, she runs away from home with her trusty werewolf friend and eventually embarks on a quest to save her missing mother, who has fled to a radioactive battleground to be all mopey about her ex-bf.

I’m giving this book an “okay, but not great”. The writing was about average, and the moral of the story is that Elves Are People Too and We’ll All To Blame. Maybe I just didn’t feel enough empathy for the characters, but I kept wanting to rewind about 20 years and see some trees totally pwn some commandos.

It'd be like that scene from the Wizard of Oz, but a million times more badass.

I was terrified. But, since it was pretty much about zombies, I knew I would be forced to read it through my own drive to be an expert on something that scares me.

It turned out to be more creepy than gory. It takes place in a post-apocalyptic Earth where the dead have been attacking for so long that the way things were before “the Return” has been almost forgotten. Mary lives in a village protected by what essentially are chain link fences, with the dead coming out of the surrounding forest every day to moan through them. Her village is led by “the Sisters”, a secretive religious group that seeks to keep the village population ignorant of any world outside the fences for their own good, claiming that the village is all that’s left of humanity. Then the fences are breached and Mary, her brother, his wife (who’s been bitten), Harry (Mary’s betrothed), Travis (the guy Mary is totally in love with and everyone knows it), and Cass (Mary’s BFF and Travis’ betrothed) escape into the woods beyond the fences with an adorable puppy and your typical Orphaned By Zombies Waif. Mary is intent on finding the ocean, while everyone else tells her she’s crazy and freaks out.

The language of the book is what I think gives it its creepiness. The zombies are always referred to as “the Unconsecrated”, giving the entire thing weirdly religious overtones. The division between humans and the unconsecrated is also more blurred than in other zombie works. In the first few chapters, Mary’s mother sees Mary’s father return to the fences as one of the Unconsecrated and throws herself towards him, getting bitten through the interlacing metal. The Sisters give her a choice of being killed by their guards before the infection spreads (the logical zombie option) or being released into the forest to join the Unconsecrated and her husband. Mary’s mother chooses to join her husband and Mary, while watching her mother convulse with zombification, suddenly starts wondering if she should have dressed her more warmly, if her mother will finally know the answers to the questions she seeks, if the Unconsecrated know something she doesn’t. Because the timing of the book is so far after the Return, the Unconsecrated aren’t viewed with the same horror and Kill-Them-All attitude as in other works where they just begin to rise. To the people of Mary’s village, they’re just part of life, and no reason to interrupt the melodrama of ridiculous love triangles.

There’s a sequel, which I think is about Mary’s daughter (yeah, she, at least, lives) called The Dead-Tossed Waves. It’s also been recently announced that they’re making a movie, maybe starring Kristen Stewart. I cannot wait for all the needless dramatic pausing and intense blinking action.

13 Little Blue Envelopes

Not so with her 2006 release, Devilish.

Jane Jarvis, the main character, is smart, loud, and takes no crap, especially if someone is trying to dish it out to her shyer, more awkward best friend Ally. So when Ally shows up one morning cooler, prettier, more confident, it’s almost like she’s sold her soul to a demon to gain the popularity high school girls crave most. And then it turns out she so totally did. The demon turns out to be posing as Lanalee, a sophomore girl with an insatiable lust for cupcakes, who agrees to Jane’s wager to save her friend’s soul. Luckily, some of the nuns at Jane’s private school turn out to be demon hunters who help her on her quest to fight the increasingly dark powers present at school and save her own soul.

This book is the perfect mix of highschool popularity drama and supernatural comedy. Jane’s voice is sarcastic and mature, not annoyingly pandering to a perceived superficial audience like many young adult novels. I would recommend this book to anyone who likes:

1) Demons
2) Snarkiness
3) Lots of cupcakes
4) All kinds of sacrilege
5) Kick Ass Nuns

Luckily, I’m a fan of all five.

To celebrate this novel–and getting a beautiful new mixer for my birthday!–I decided to make cupcakes. Like most times I try to bake, what I made had a lot to do with what we already had lying around. So I decided on Nutella swirl cupcakes! I followed this recipe from Baking Bites. The hardest part (if you can call it hard) was swirling the Nutella in with the batter. They turned out okay:

Don't even need frosting!

In place of adventures, here is what I do with my time, ordered roughly in how much time I spend on it:

1. Complaining about grad school’s total inadequacy
2. Working at the public library
3. Working on my summer course in management
4. Reading
5. Cooking

Complaining gets top billing because I can pretty much do it while simultaneously doing any of those other things, plus while doing almost anything else (I’m a Tenth Level Whiny Complainer). Working at the public library is awesome, but has the aforementioned Lack of Crazy problems. My summer course’s goal seems to be to mention libraries as little as possible and to have as little to do with my actual life and job goals as it can, thus providing excellent fodder for #1, but not much help in the Cool Things To Blog About arena. That leaves reading (I work at a library) and cooking, two things which I usually don’t blog about because I see them as not of interest to my legions of fans, with a few exceptions. This is going to change.

This cover has almost nothing to do with the plot

The Splendor Falls by Rosemary Clement-Moore. I have made a check list for comparison.

1. Main character: Sylvie Davis v. Bella Swan

Sylvie Davis

Imagine a tutu instead of a cheerleading outfit and snarkiness instead of 80s hair

Backstory: 17-Year-Old international ballet sensation until the tragic accident that broke her leg. She’s better now, but with mom remarried she is forced to go spend the summer at her dead father’s family’s plantation mansion in Middle of Nowhere, Alabama.

Hobbies: Wishing she could still dance, talking to her adorable dog, solving mysteries, gardening, fighting the undead, historical research, being a reincarnation of an Ancient Welsh princess

Secret abilities: MAGIC, seeing dead people, and being from an Old Southern family

Growth throughout the book: She changes from a depressed, slightly snobby New Yorker into a ghost-fighting, mystery-solving True Daughter of the South.

When the going gets tough, she: runs headlong into the haunted woods totally ignoring her limp or personal safety.

Bella Swan

If I crease my forehead, it will look like I have emotions, which is more acting than you're doing, Robert

Backstory: When her mother remarries, she moves in with her father in Middle of Nowhere, Washington. That’s about it.

Hobbies: fulfilling the traditional woman’s role, falling down, EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD

Secret abilities: fainting, construing abuse as love

Growth throughout the book: She changes from a vapid, personalityless shell to a vapid, personalityless shell with a defining characteristic! Unfortunately, that’s dependence on a sparklepire.

When the going gets tough, she: swoons and then patiently waits for a big strong man to save her

2. Setting: Alabama v. Washington
Creepy Alabama

Take Disney's Haunted Mansion ride and add a sassy cook

Settings include Creepy Haunted Mansion with adjoining haunted forest, nearby small town of Mayberry Maddox Falls which apparently has good pie, creepy Civil War Era ghost town complete with creepy prison and grad student archeologists.

Product of: Actual research

Forks, Washington

I included this google image of it since that's all Stephenie Meyer knows either

Settings include rainy forest, rainy beaches, rainy Bella’s house, rainy school, rainy glass vampire house. Guess which is the only one described in any detail.

Product of: A fever dream and stereotypes

3. Villain: Every other character plus some ghosts v. the second dumbest vampire ever
Ghost Confederate soldiers/oddly charismatic student body president guy/hot Welsh guy/industry/the Self

One of the great things about The Splendor Falls is that it’s a mystery with suspense (words italicized so SMeyers will realize they are vocab words she needs to look up and use in a sentence or a novel). Therefore, until the last few chapters, it’s impossible to know who the bad guy is. But practically every other character is a suspect including Sylvie herself, since for awhile she thinks she’s going crazy (you know, a rational response to seeing the undead). Other possible suspects include: her ancestor the mean Southern colonel’s malevolent ghost, a shrieking ghost girl who turns out to be his disgraced daughter, a sad ghost baby (you can probs see where that subplot is going), the unquiet Union prisoner dead, Shawn Maddox the oddly charismatic leader of the Teen Town Council who, despite their idiotic name, are clearly UP TO SOMETHING NO GOOD/voodoo, and Rhys, a secretive Welsh hottie staying at the mansion/hotel and “doing research” that involves sneaking off into the woods and telling Sylvie she’s in grave danger but never elaborating.

When men get pushy, secretive, and generally act like asshats, Sylvie: tells them to stop being a dick, stops talking to them, walks away, avoids them

Some vampire

I know he has a name, but I doubt SMeyers even remembers it he was such a minor character

I mean, I’m sure this guy tried to be menacing, but when you’re introduced on page 400 there’s not much you can do besides take your shirt off, foil the main characters’ idiotic plans with your own only slightly less stupid ones, and hope for the best.

When men get pushy, stalkity, and completely abusive, Bella: falls even deeper in LOVE

4. Love Interest: Rhys v. Edward

Rhys

I typed "Hot Welsh Guy" into Google images and Christian Bale came up

Despite saving Sylvie from plummeting off a cliff this one time and being really considerate about her still hurt leg, Rhys may also be the bad guy considering how he’s 1) way too snarky, 2) sneaks off all the time to do something, 3) will not share what it is and gets way cryptic when you try to ask, and 4) may or may not have dropped a mine shaft on his BFF back in Wales. Also he may be a voodoo wizard?

His hotness: is no excuse for his jerkiness. Good job, Sylvie. Way to have priorities.

Edward

I tried to find one where his hair looks the most ridic, but it was too hard to choose

Edward’s main attraction is that he is the hottest male ever in any species (above picture apparently notwithstanding). He’s also way good at every possible skill, including entomology. But he may also be a villain considering that he’s a vampire and may rip Bella apart at any time and feast upon her flesh. I personally consider him to be a villain because he never does this. All the other reasons that he is a “love interest” revolve around being domineering and abusive, so I count it towards evidence for his impending trial rather than reasons why he is a mysterious and exciting male lead.

His hotness: is a license to stalk. And can blind unwitting motorists. Apparently.

5. The Plot: Constant Confusion vs. Constant Boredom

The Splendor Falls
I feel like I need some kind of complex flow chart to explain this plot. But when I tried it I got this:

And that is ignoring some of the subplots

I seriously still did not know what was going on till the last chapter.

Twilight
Happily (or sadly), Twilight’s was so easy to draw, that I even took time to add labels:

I thought about writing out more of the characters' names, but then realized I don't remember them for a reason

6. Authors: Rosemary Clement-Moore v. Stephenie Meyer

Rosemary Clement-Moore
Although her website is way less syrupy and self-indulgent than SMeyer’s, Rosemary seems to be pretty bitchin’. She lists Arsenic and Old Lace, Firefly, Guitar Hero, and Jasper Fforde as some of her favorites, which means that we could sit next to each other on a bus and become instant BFFs. However, she doesn’t seem crazy, which is something I like in my authors.

Stephenie Meyer
And crazy is one area where SMeyer doesn’t disappoint. I don’t even know what to say here because there are TOO MANY options. First, she wrote Twilight. Second, it came to her in a dream. Third, she claims to be in love with the main characters. Fourth, she went to the trouble to explain how Edward can deal with being around Bella when she’s menstruating (and her explanation is ridic). There’s more, but I’m sick of thinking about Twilight. Oddly, I think this round goes to SMeyer, simply because she enriches my life with her crazy. And by that I mean, I like laughing at her.

Splendor Falls: 5 Twilight: -8,999
I took off points for how long it took me to slog through.

1. Charlotte’s Web
2. The Call of the Wild
3. Sarah, Plain and Tall

The three books that nearly made me an SE at the age of 10.

I like Charlotte’s Web now. Kind of. Sure, I can think of a lot of children’s books I like better, but it was okay. But I remember as a third grader feeling insulted. By all of it. By the forced pace of one chapter a day. By the talking animals (“Just because I’m eight doesn’t mean I need talking animals, God”). By the way no one in the book seemed to know how a farm worked (pigs are for eating!! And why aren’t the sheep and geese worried?). When I was eight, I knew I was way too old for Charlotte’s Web. And the lame animated movie.

The Call of the Wild was, I’m positive, our teacher’s attempt to reengage all the boys in our class, who by that time had mostly already turned away from reading. I don’t know why she didn’t try nonfiction, but teachers seem to have an archaically narrow view about what constitutes “reading”. Maybe Call of the Wild worked for some of the boys in our class, but it didn’t work for me. For one thing, there were hardly any conversations, which, at the time, I knew were the pinnacle of literary interest. Also, it was about a bunch of men alone in the wilderness. Later, in middle school, I would learn to loathe Gary Paulsen’s The Hatchet for the same reasons. And, to an extent, Twilight without the whole survival aspect. Really, I don’t need a minute-by-minute play-by-play of how you started a fire, cooked some dinner, sharpened your knives, and made a camp bed out of leaves and forest moss. Wake me up when something interesting happens.

Even looking at this picture now makes me want to punch Newberry in the face

And then we come to the major culprit: Sarah, Plain and Tall. I don’t think I can emphasize enough how much I hated Sarah, Plain and Tall. I’ve been able to admit since that Charlotte’s Web is an okay book and that The Call of the Wild has its literary merits, but to this day I cannot stand Sarah, Plain and Tall and discourage library patrons from checking it out if they have a choice. Here is what I can remember of the story, that is not already too clouded by my mind’s cloaking mists of hatred:

The Setting: Some farm somewhere, the Great Depression.
Pa: Well, your mom’s dead and I’m sick of talking to you kids. Time to get me a mail order bride!
Children: We don’t want a new mom! We want food and water!
Pa: Too bad, it hasn’t rained in like a million years.
Little Boy: I’m going to place this cup on this fence post to catch the water when it does come. SYMBOL OF HOPE!
Sarah: What does it say about me that I would describe myself as PLAIN and TALL? Why do you think this is the title of the book?
Children: We’re going to be mean to you because we aren’t ready to trust again!
Sarah: [cries]
Children: J/K we’re sorry!
God: [rewards them with rain]
All: Rejoice! All of our interpersonal problems are solved! Who knew we just had to be more accepting to end the Great Depression?
THE END

I may have gotten the actual story confused with the million and one worksheets I remember having to fill out about it. Besides the rather boring storyline, Sarah, Plain and Tall had the difficulty of being forced upon me THREE YEARS IN A ROW. Seriously, third grade, fourth grade, AND fifth grade. Halfway through it in fifth grade, I complained so much that the teacher let me read the sequel, Skylark instead. It was, if possible, even worse, since the plot was the same “If only it would rain to solve our personal problems” tripe, but in a new and more annoying setting.

Another problem I had, particularly in third grade, was the way everyone always says the title so it sounds more like Sarah, Plain, and Tall. Coupled with the fact that the cover of the book had three people on it, I assumed it would be about three characters named Sarah, Plain, and Tall. I kept waiting for Plain and Tall to show up, knowing that their names meant they HAD to be more amusing than the rest of the book combined. Naturally, Plain and Tall disappointed me and I learned a valuable lesson about commas.

I have no idea why Sarah, Plain and Tall is STILL read in schools. Probably because everyone remembers reading it in the third/fourth/fifth grades and so makes their third/fourth/fifth graders read it too. I guarantee you, however, that there are more modern books that teach the same themes, whether you want to concentrate on the historical aspects of the Great Depression (Out of the Dust) or the whole getting-a-new-parent thing. I’ve made lists of them at the library, just to be vindictive. Each time I save a kid from having to read Sarah, Plain and Tall, I feel like I’ve justified my existence. Like some kind of bad literature superhero.

I had a feeling this one would be different because I was at the library the morning after it came out, when the five teen girl movie volunteers staggered in around noon after staying up all night waiting at the book store. “Well?” I asked them. “How is it?” Since they’d been talking about nothing else for the past two months it wasn’t hard for them to know what I was talking about. I was shocked when they all shouted “HORRIBLE!” at once and one of them added “It’s like Stephanie Meyer didn’t even write it.” After valiantly reading the other three books so that you don’t have to, I started wondering about this condemnation. Could it be that Stephanie Meyer, in the fourth book of her wildly popular and horribly written teen girl series, has FINALLY learned how to write, letting down her vapid fans everywhere?

The answer, I’m sad to tell you, is NO. For the love of all that is at least properly punctuated, NO. So, proceed IF YOU DARE.

Breaking Dawn

First 100 Pages: OMG WEDDING SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!

Carlisle, Vampire Doctor: Oh, and let me tell you this story about something called “Immortal Children”. They’re kids that got turned into vampires. Way cute, but TOTALLY DEADLY! They’re a big no-no. Luckily they’ve all been dead for centuries.

Bella: So why are you telling me now?

Carlisle: So you can have a foreshadowing dream every fifty pages.

Edward: I know I told you we would try to get it on, within the bounds of Holy Matrimony, before I make you a vampire, but I don’t want to hurt you.

Bella: Don’t even worry about it! I’m fine. Oh, except for this black and blue mark.

Edward: OH MY GOD FIFTY PAGES OF ANGST AND GUILT. Bella, we are NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN. Ever. Clearly, it’s wrong.

Bella: Now you won’t sex me up INSIDE of marriage? You are like the lamest vampire ever.

Bella’s Uterus: Hey gang! So got a baby in me right now! You can tell by the way you’re throwing up in the morning and I’m noticeably protruding and you can’t stop eating eggs!

Bella: WHAT? I’ve had sex like… once! Yesterday!

Bella’s Uterus: Them’s the breaks, kid. Should have listened to your extremely effeminate vampire husband. Sex ALWAYS leads to instantaneous pregnancy.

Edward: Oh my God that thing inside you is growing way too fast!

Bella: It’s cool.

Edward: Also, it’s sapping all your energy.

Bella: Whatever, I got this.

Edward: And breaking your ribs. And killing you.

Bella: YOU CAN’T HAVE MY BABY.

Jacob: Hey guys. I’m still totes in love with Bella, so I came to watch her slowly die from your evil vamfetus so I can angst about it later.

Edward: Jacob! Only YOU can save Bella! Clearly she wants babies and clearly I can’t give them to her.

Jacob: So… you’re looking for some kind of werewolf-baby-making threesome?

Bella: NO WAY. I guarantee you those babies would NOT be as amazing as my vambaby!

Jacob: Whatever. I’m so used to you constantly rejecting me that I don’t even hear it anymore.

Bella’s Fetus: Heya, guys. I’ve been in here for like two weeks and I’m bored. Time to bust out of this Popsicle stand!

Edward: It’s a girl!

Bella: I’ve combined our mother’s names! Renee and Esme. We shall call her… RENESMEE! (dies)

Edward: I AM NOT BECOMING A SINGLE DAD TO SOME SPARKLY FREAK BABY! (turns her into a vampire)

Renesme: Hey team. Because having a normal, boring baby around would be such a drag, I’m like a magical-human-vampire-elf-fairy-princess baby who can show you what I’m thinking by touching you and learns to talk in three days and walk in a week and looks like I’m five when I’m really like a month old! Also, I’m super gorgeous and strong and fast and PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.

Jacob: I just had a Native American Werewolf Psychic Moment! When you grow up–probably in like a year–YOU will be my ONE TRUE LOVE! All my problems are solved! No loose ends here!

Bella: Woo!!! Being a vampire is amazing! I’m sparkly and fast and pretty!!! I will talk about how awesome it is and how awesome my magical human vampire fairy elf princess baby is for the next three hundred and fifty pages!

Carlisle: Don’t forget to have creepy premonitions about immortal children!

Some angry vampire chick, possibly from the second book: OMG that beautiful, fast, sparkly child could only be AN IMMORTAL CHILD!!! WTF, guys, that’s totes against the rules! I’m telling!

Alice, Psychic Vampire: OH NOES! The Italian Vampire Royalty are coming to kill us all!

Carlisle: So on page 600 of this 754 page novel, the antagonists have finally showed up?

Alice: Kind of. It’ll take them another hundred to get here.

Carlisle: We should prepare by gathering our vampire friends, so that they too can ramble on about how beautiful and amazing our magical human vampire elf fairy princess baby is. Oh, also so maybe they can tell the Italian Vampire Royalty that we didn’t create an immortal child.

Other Vampires: We’re so there!

Romanian Vampires: You didn’t invite us, but we came anyway because we hate the Italian Vampire Royalty and think they’re looking for a fight. They are always pushing everyone around! Are you going to stand for that? Come on, guys, there’s like fifty of you. We could take them.

Carlisle: We’ll see. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. And, because you know Stephanie Meyer, you know it won’t, since an all-out vampire brawl would be WAY TOO EXCITING for this book.

Vampire Royalty: We’re finally here to kill you.

Renesmee: I’m totes not an immortal child.

Other Vampires: No, really.

Vampire Royalty: Oops. Our bad. See yous guys. Oh, and I guess we’ll kill Angry Vampire Chick for lying to us. You know, to keep our vampire cred.

Edward: They only ran because they were scared of you, Bella.

Bella: Me?

Edward: Yeah, whatever. Maybe someday they’ll… come back… or something.

Bella: Great, way to set up for a possible sequel starring our magical fairy princess rainbow my little pony sailor moon elf barbie daughter.

Edward: It’s all about the royalties!

The End

So, besides having no plot, which, judging from the reception of the other books, teen girls have no problem with, Stephanie Meyer made the obvious mistake of having her heroine be 1. married and 2. a mom. No teen girl wants to fantasize about being married with children, even if they are super vampire magical elf children. This book, and pretty much the whole series, is like Dracula brought to you by the people who did the American cut of Sailor Moon, if they’d all suddenly converted to Mormonism. Pretty much all sparkly costume changes, and no one is sexualized or does anything evil, even though they’re all wearing mini skirts or, you know, VAMPIRES.

You guys owe me. That was painful.