The Book Twilight WISHES It Could Be

February 5th, 2010 by pladd

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Yesterday was Thursday, which I detest. However, this Thursday I can hardly remember any of the bad parts because I was so engrossed in the book I started that morning and finished around midnight:

This cover has almost nothing to do with the plot

This cover has almost nothing to do with the plot

The Splendor Falls by Rosemary Clement-Moore. I have made a check list for comparison.

1. Main character: Sylvie Davis v. Bella Swan

Sylvie Davis

Imagine a tutu instead of a cheerleading outfit and snarkiness instead of 80s hair

Imagine a tutu instead of a cheerleading outfit and snarkiness instead of 80s hair

Backstory: 17-Year-Old international ballet sensation until the tragic accident that broke her leg. She’s better now, but with mom remarried she is forced to go spend the summer at her dead father’s family’s plantation mansion in Middle of Nowhere, Alabama.

Hobbies: Wishing she could still dance, talking to her adorable dog, solving mysteries, gardening, fighting the undead, historical research, being a reincarnation of an Ancient Welsh princess

Secret abilities: MAGIC, seeing dead people, and being from an Old Southern family

Growth throughout the book: She changes from a depressed, slightly snobby New Yorker into a ghost-fighting, mystery-solving True Daughter of the South.

When the going gets tough, she: runs headlong into the haunted woods totally ignoring her limp or personal safety.

Bella Swan

If I crease my forehead, it will look like I have emotions, which is more acting than you're doing, Robert

If I crease my forehead, it will look like I have emotions, which is more acting than you're doing, Robert

Backstory: When her mother remarries, she moves in with her father in Middle of Nowhere, Washington. That’s about it.

Hobbies: fulfilling the traditional woman’s role, falling down, EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD

Secret abilities: fainting, construing abuse as love

Growth throughout the book: She changes from a vapid, personalityless shell to a vapid, personalityless shell with a defining characteristic! Unfortunately, that’s dependence on a sparklepire.

When the going gets tough, she: swoons and then patiently waits for a big strong man to save her

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The Book That Almost Made Me an SE: Sarah, Plain and Tall

September 22nd, 2009 by pladd

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I’ve been thinking a lot about elementary school Patricia and reading lately, probably because I’m suddenly in charge of 18 3rd-5th graders and their reading. Oddly, despite my own childhood anger over this very subject, one of my first thoughts was “I could have us all read the same book and then talk about it!” Luckily, my librarian training made me remember before I could get too far that kids hate exactly this. I was suddenly sent into a flashback where I was forced to confront my own irrational rage towards:

1. Charlotte’s Web
2. The Call of the Wild
3. Sarah, Plain and Tall

The three books that nearly made me an SE at the age of 10.
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Twilight 4: A Review That Almost Cost Me My Life

August 6th, 2009 by pladd

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The name of this book is actually Breaking Dawn but you wouldn’t know what I was talking about if I used it. See, I got this book on Monday from the library. I ignored the librarian’s judging, judging eyes because I was too busy thinking “Hurrah! Now I will read it today, write a blog post about it tomorrow, and that will take care of my Tuesday obligations!” Little did I know that this would be a novel so excruciating that I would need to take frequent breaks to soothe my battered psyche into submission and bang my head against a wall. In the end, I only very nearly escaped being strangled by my own good taste by turning on episodes of Black Adder the Third in the background during the last 200 pages.

I had a feeling this one would be different because I was at the library the morning after it came out, when the five teen girl movie volunteers staggered in around noon after staying up all night waiting at the book store. “Well?” I asked them. “How is it?” Since they’d been talking about nothing else for the past two months it wasn’t hard for them to know what I was talking about. I was shocked when they all shouted “HORRIBLE!” at once and one of them added “It’s like Stephanie Meyer didn’t even write it.” After valiantly reading the other three books so that you don’t have to, I started wondering about this condemnation. Could it be that Stephanie Meyer, in the fourth book of her wildly popular and horribly written teen girl series, has FINALLY learned how to write, letting down her vapid fans everywhere?

The answer, I’m sad to tell you, is NO. For the love of all that is at least properly punctuated, NO. So, proceed IF YOU DARE.
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Posted in Book Reviews, Times I Have Almost Died |

Moving

July 17th, 2009 by pladd

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Today as we were driving to the grocery store (Harris Teeter–I feel like I should be wearing a waistcoat and ordering mint juleps instead of buying apple juice and crispix) my Mom said, “The first thing I did this morning was check your blog. There was nothing…” in this disappointed voice, as if she thought I had somehow managed to update my blog while simultaneously moving furniture and unpacking boxes with her over the past few days. Luckily, our apartment now has the Internet! Unluckily, the wireless router is still MIA so the only place to get it is in the corner of the one room that has no furniture. So, that’s where I am, skillfully avoiding figuring out how to hang up my bike in a closet with the use of a stud finder, which, believe me, is not what it sounds like.

Here are the deets of the past few days. Sorry I don’t have pictures yet:
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Twilight for People Who Don’t Want to Read Twilight

July 10th, 2009 by pladd

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Last summer at the library everyone was ALL ABOUT Twilight. Every teen girl in Seminole would come in every week to ask if Twilight was in yet, since our six copies had a 300 strong waiting list. Naturally, I got a little curious, but had to wait until the craze died down slightly (or until I was in one place for longer than three months–you aren’t even going to hit the 100s on the waiting list in three months) before investigating. Luckily the teen girls are mostly sated, and it’s now mostly third graders and the morbidly curious continuing the obsession. So if you too are morbidly curious, you have four options:

1. Wait six months on the waiting list at the library, enjoy the indignity when it finally comes in and the librarian has to pull Twilight from behind the desk and check it out for you, know that she is SO JUDGING YOU right now
2. Ask a teen girl about it, listen to two hours of “OH MY GOD EDWARD SO HOT!”, commit suicide
3. Actually pay money for it, hate yourself forever
4. Listen to my review, since I have successfully completed #1 on this list with my librarian-fu for the first three books. It is as follows:
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Book Reviews: The Barbarian Princess

May 13th, 2009 by pladd

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Our favorite pastime while driving has inexplicably become reading trashy romance novels aloud in a variety of overly-affected voices. Here is our joint review of the one we finished today:

The Barbarian Princess

If you throw in a few Latin words, it's historical, right?

If you throw in a few Latin words, it's historical, right?

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