Questions I Have About Jurassic World

I saw Jurassic World this weekend, and it was really fun! However, after leaving the theater and thinking about it more, I still have a few questions. Like:

If they are in Costa Rica, how come all of the workers are white?

Jurassic World is set on the same island as Jurassic Park, reached by ferry or helicopter from Costa Rica.

A Three Hour Tour

A Three Hour Tour

Despite this, I didn’t notice anyone in the film who could potentially be Costa Rican. Okay, the park is hella expensive, so maybe they wouldn’t be visitors, but what about the workers? Who is working at these concession stands? Driving these ferries? Flying these helicopters? Working security detail?

The one menial worker who has a speaking part is a bored, white teenager operating one of the rides. This raises so many questions. Where does this 16-year-old live?? He can’t just take the ferry home at night to his parents’ basement. He’s not some fancy intern because he clearly hates his life and is making minimum wage. Why is Jurassic World importing unskilled labor from the US when Costa Rica is right there?

Why is this movie sucking on the lady-character front when compared to its 22-year-old predecessor?

There were two main lady characters in the original Jurassic Park:

I nicknamed them "sciencey" and "screamy"

I nicknamed them “sciencey” and “screamy”

Some of their characterization may have been a little annoying, but they were both valuable members of the team. Dr. Sattler was a paleobotanist who dug through dinosaur poop to figure out what the deal was with these mutating dinosaurs, and also outran some velociraptors to turn the power back on. Lex was a teen hacker who got the door locks working again. Their badassness is even addressed when elderly park creator Hammond tells Dr. Sattler that “It should be me” loading up on guns to go traverse the dangerous, raptor-infested electric station because he’s a dude, and Dr. Sattler just scoffs and pushes past him, because shut up. Pretty good for 1993!

On the other hand, here in 2015, we seem to have gone backwards, because all we really have is:

Yeah, she wears that dress and heels the whole time

Yeah, she wears that dress and heels the whole time

Claire is in charge of park operations and basically needs Chris Pratt’s help for most of the movie. Which is okay–not everyone can be a badass–but when it’s your only main female character it says a lot about what the creators’ think is a woman’s role.

Ellie and Muldoon know better

Ellie and Muldoon know better

If you are just going to make a fake dinosaur, why not make a dragon?

The main plot point of this move is that the scientists have taken genetics too far and have just created a new dinosaur to draw bigger crowds. To the non-dinosaur-obsessed, it looks kind of like the T-Rex I would draw from memory:

If you told me this was a T-Rex, I'd believe you

If you told me this was a T-Rex, I’d believe you

But oh it’s ~way scarier~ than a T-Rex and will totally bring in more ticket sales, but… If you’re going to just make shit up, why not make something even cooler? Like a dragon?? Hire me for your focus group, InGen.

How are these people breathing?

HOW?

HOW?

This gyroscope bubble thing is supposed to be unbreakable and completely safe from the dinosaurs on the outside, but how does air get in? Also, why build a ride the passengers can completely control and then just trust them NOT to roll right into restricted areas, as Plucky Kid Protagonists immediately do?

Why is park security so incompetent?

Did you learn nothing from the last three movies?

Did you learn nothing from the last three movies?

At a park filled with dinosaurs whose acknowledged past is littered with corpses and dinosaur escapes, WHY ARE THEY NOT BETTER PREPARED FOR DINOSAUR ESCAPE?

You are literally useless

You are literally useless

Did you really think this glass dome was enough?

Jurassic World also boasts a swarm of flying death dinosaurs, housed in “the aviary”, which is a big glass dome that apparently can’t survive things hitting it.

Just GUESS what happens

Just GUESS what happens

Is this park really built to sustain that many visitors even in a non-emergency?

This park even on a normal day looks more crowded than Harry Potter World:

And they don't even have butter beer

And they don’t even have butter beer

But Harry Potter World stops letting people in once they get to capacity. Does Costa Rica not have fire codes? I feel like all it would take is a rain storm or a particularly good sale and people would be dead from trampling.

Is Chris Pratt REALLY that much better at raptors than Muldoon?

Apparently Chris Pratt “bonds with the raptors” from eggs or some bullshit so they still kind of want to eat him but mostly don’t try to (mostly).

Raptor expert

Raptor expert

Which is such a posthumous slap in the face to Muldoon.

Chris Pratt DOESN'T EVEN HAVE SHORTS

Chris Pratt DOESN’T EVEN HAVE SHORTS

Muldoon knew those raptors were clever girls too, but they still bit his arm off and lovingly nestled it in a bunch of wires to freak out Ellie. That’s how raptors roll.

How did you out run a TRex in heels?

HOW HOW HOW

HOW HOW HOW

What is even InGen’s business model?

How are they still solvent?

How are they still solvent?

It seems like they’ve had one PR disaster after another. Plus, they seem to only hire mad scientists and wannabe supervillains, which can’t be good for office culture.

Why did they build a theme park on the island, but leave the original Jurassic Park building to rot?

While running from the hybrid dino, the Two Kid Protagonists stumble into the remains of the original Jurassic Park Visitor center

Complete with decaying banner

Complete with decaying banner

It even still has the original jeeps that they can fix up and use to escape. Why did the park designers just leave those ruins there to rot in the jungle?

How is Chris Pratt so hot?

HOW?????

HOW?????

Where is Sam Neil?

You'll always be chief paleontologist OF MY HEART

You’ll always be chief paleontologist OF MY HEART

One response to “Questions I Have About Jurassic World”

  1. Dad Ladd says:

    I have not seen the movie yet, but I bet this review is better than the movie, the review being so good.

Site and contents are © 2009-2017 Patricia Ladd, all rights reserved. | Admin Login | Design by Steven Wiggins.