The Plaid Pladd

Little known fact: James and I have been in a book club together for the past five years. We take turns picking books (or, more often themes), and then text back and forth during the reading process. At the end we write letters!! That often include comics!! Anyway, there’s no timeline, which is why book club has been on hold for the last year while James completely failed to read a were-cat book (HIS idea, too!). BUT WE ARE BACK, and reading amazing time traveling romance novels. Did you know this was a whole subgenre? Now you do! You’re welcome.

I read A Touch of Enchantment by Teresa Medeiros, because I got it for 15 cents at a library book sale. James is reading Charmed by Catherine Hart after sorting GoodReads reviews by star rating.

I’m just going to excerpt from our text conversation rather than repeat myself. James and I don’t need second drafts. We’ve had years to hone this BFF banter:
James (in GREEN): Best book club ever is BACK IN SESSION

I feel like I made The Right Choice

HOLOGRAPHIC COVER

Patricia(in purple, OF COURSE): This looks so incredible, I can’t wait to live it through you

James: Lolol this book is dedicated to the Shawnee Nationt

Alana has informed me that the indian on the cover would have to be 43 years old for this novel to make sense as writtenc!

Since he’s one of Tecumesh’s triplet brothers

Also in this book Tecumesh was part of a trio of triplets

Which is just straight up not historically accurate

Esp since they’re THE ONLY TRIPLETS IN SHAWNEE HISTORY

Hopefully the twist is that the writer actually DID do her research and Silver Wolf ends the story by paradoxing himself out of the timeline

(Male lead is named Silver Wolf because this book is amazing)

Sorry, silver thorn

His eyes are silver

Patricia: I hope they change color with his emotions

James: Okay so

Silver thron and his brothers can predict the future kind of, but they can’t manage to predict anything beyond their own lifespans

So silver wolf sends his magic silver amulet into the future to drag someone back to literally tell them what happens

Because apparently THAT is within the purview of his abilities

Lol main character Nikki is described as having a flash-fire temper and quirky disposition

Can’t wait to find out whether these are informed character traits

Lolol of course Nikki’s eyes are violet

Because of her scottish heritage

Because Scotland is famous for its purple eyed population

Lol nikki assumes he’s an actor who’s playing an indian from a play she saw the other night

who’s still apparently in character

Silver Wolf knows her name before she introduces herself because her shoes say NIKE on them

Why is this a plot point

Nikki’s earlier inner monologue seems to indicate she’s trying to lose 20 pounds

Narration now refers to her frame as tiny

Patricia: James, ALL women are trying to lose 20 pounds

Obviously

My cover is sadly not holographic

James: But it makes up for it in AMAZINGNESS

“I summoned you here from the future, though it was my hope to recall a man, perhaps one of some prominence and intelligence–not a mere woman”

Patricia: Oooooooooohhhhh snap

James: “Better I had been more exact in my request to the spirits.” “Yeah, well, hindsight is always better than foresight, so they say,” she quipped

Nikki

Nikki that is not what they say at all

My main character just so happens to be a history professor with a focus on the Shawnee indians

I love that this dude is all DARN I WAS HOPING FOR A WISE AND IMPORTANT MAN when in all honesty his tribe is such a footnote in must US history classes that anyone who actually fir that description in modern day would literally have been useless to him

I wonder if the writer of this novel picked up on the mismatch between how much silver thorn implicitly assumes most people in the future would know about the shawnee and how much they actually know about them, and will use it as a humbling revelation

Jk he’s probably going to be a smug magic hot dude all book

Patricia: oh you know it

Hopefully you will also learn some shawnee facts

SEXY shawnee facts

James: Lol can’t wait to learn everything about magic indian sex

Patricia: My main character is a modern day witch who hates being a witch and graduated at 17 from MIT and wants to be with robots instead of people

James: Lol your character sounds Mary Sue as hell

Patricia: “This is the 21st century. True love is no longer in vogue. Romance has been replaced by cybersex with faceless strangers or holograms of your favorite video star.”

This book is copyright 1997 lol

James: Lolol Jetsons level futurism right there

Patricia: She just found a “silvery video disk” from her mother (also a witch) who has mysteriously disappeared

James: Wait silvery video disc? OMG ARE LASER DISCS THE FUTURE OF VIDEO

Patricia: Her mom’s video message is that “I don’t know why you hate randomly doing magic shit that wrecks your life, but if you want to learn to control it I left a magic amulet hidden in your bathroom” thanks mom

But it’s like science-magic because when she examines the amulet it is actually “a tangled web of microcircuitry” natch

James: I don’t know why you hate being pre-Hogwarts harry potter so much

Okay so does she live in the future

The future of 1997, at least

In the year 200X

Patricia: Examining the amulet just sent her back in time but for now she thinks she’s dead

James: Wait, she gets sent back to when? Hoping super hard for salem witch trial romance

Patricia: Unclear right now. Dude on horse is pointing a sword at her

Her current theory is that her mom magic tricked her to teach her a lesson

James: Maybe its king arthur’s court and she’s morgan la fey

Patricia: “He might have been too long without a woman, but he’d yet to be swayed by any of the pretty young lads a few of his more jaded comrades favored”

Oh man you thought your book would win most offensive but mine’s coming up from behind

Literally

James: “To quote one of your English authors, ‘Misery loves company.’ I am yours.”

Patricia: Where did this dude learn to read English?

James: He just did. It’s mentioned in a single sentence earlier that he had learned it in his youth. Also he can read english, since he mispronounces her shoe brand.

In a time when, you know, most white people were illiterate

Getting some serious noble savage vibes

Patricia: Okay, dude’s name is Sir Colin of Ravenshaw so I’m guessing Generyc Medyval Tymes

James: lol I hope she teaches him about hamburgers and rollerskares

Patricia: Okay so he is like currently running from someone? And bleeding to death and collapsed from his horse on top of her

But once he’s on top of her oh hey forget all this blood it is dick time

James: lolol Maybe he’s keeping from bleeding out by drawing all his blood into his penis

SORRY M’LADY BUT I WILL DIE UNLESS YOU MAINTAIN MY ERECTION

Patricia: “Her mother might bemoan the fact that she spent Saturday nights watching reruns of The X-Files on the SciFi network but she wouldn’t have set her up on a blind date with a rapist… would she?”

But then he tries to kiss her and the last boy she kissed turned into a frog so she turns away and he’s just like fine whatever

James: She doesn’t use that as a defense option?

Turning would be rapists into frogs seems like a pretty good alternative to mace

Patricia: I know, she is weird. Now Sir Colin’s enemies are coming and thretening to rape her too. Lots of rape talk in these first 3 chapters

James: “hip-deep in trouble”

Something about this book’s use of idioms is just… off

“You almost gave me heart failure”

Is english not this person’s first language

lol of course silver thorn is a master tracker

He’s a native american. I don’t know why I didn’t just assume

Patricia: Okay they have been captured by Sir Colin’s mortal enemy, Hot Blond Dude

James: Badguy MacKendoll

Patricia: Apparently HBD pillaged his castle while colin was away on crusade and also they are in scotland OF COURSE

Also Sir Colin is mad at her for trying to defend him because behind defended by a woman is a stain on his honor

James: “Ah, an educated female. Perhaps you will be of some use to me after all”

Lol a storm breaks out and lightning strikes right next to them while she is trying to leave him and get back to civilization, because she doesn’t realize they are in the 1800s and it literally causes her to do a scooby doo style leap into his arms

Patricia: Oh man, you called it, she dream created Big Macs in their prison cell and now he is eating them suspiciously

James: Lol your book is the romance novel kid in king arthur’s court

Okay so he literally throws her over his shoulder and carries her up a hill into a cave to get out of the rain, and when she tries to claw at his back to get him to drop her, he spanks her, which causes her to stop struggling

This book

Patricia: When was yours written?

James: Literally one year before yours lol

Patricia: Older romance novels tend to be a lot more rapey because “good” women weren’t supposed to want sex until their otl taught them about it

James: Good point, these books always seem weirdly rapey

Patricia: I wonder if ladies of the past were just constantly fending off rape like this

Like some dude passes you in the forest and that automatically means he is going to rape you because that is what dudes are like??

James: I guess? I feel like rape is still probably as common as ever, they just stopped normalizing it as much

Patricia: Historical romance novels just treat it as like NATURALLY every dude will drop what he’s doing and rape you if given the chance

Which I don’t really think is true? Not for most dudes

James: True

Most dudes are nonrapists

I think it might be a consequence of the ridic olde timey focus on female virginity to the point where if you were alone with a woman unchaperoned YOU HAD TO MARRY HER BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY SEX HAPPENED

Patricia: Yep, the only thing keeping society from turning into a constant orgy is other people and their judging eyes

James: Clearly

Also it is easier to make your male lead the de facto love interest if literally all other men are rapists by default

And romance novelists are nothing if not super lazy

Patricia: And like he still KIND OF tried, but was just too lazy to continue when she struggled

James: Clearly otl

Patricia: I know Colin is supposed to be so brave and pure and whatnot, but the way he talks about all the “infidels” he killed on crusade?

James: What are the chances either of our novels will address the fact that the male leads are horrible people

Patricia: My dude only straight up murdered brown people so he gets a pass, I guess

James: I guess the only thing silver thorn is guilt of so far is being incredibly patronizing

Also mc has amethyst eyes that are sparkling in the cave

This was written in ’96, how is she such an anime

Hoping the plot twist is that she’s an albino

Omg her last name is swan

IS THIS A STEALTH TWILIGHT PREQUEL

lol he gives her a blanket to warm up from the rain and is all, no, you gotta take off your clothes if you want the blanket to actually dry you out

She’s all HAHA NO

But then does it anyway a page later while staring at his ass

This novel is classy as hell

“Oh, come on, sport. It’s a cigarette lighter, as if you didn’t already know. Now, as the ad suggests, let’s flick our Bic.”

Nikki actually says this

HAHAHAHA OH MY GOD HE LITERALLY ASKS HER IN HORROR, “What manner of sorcery is this?”

And then asks if she’s a witch

He has learned to speak and read english but somehow never learned that people can start fires without using a bow

This novel is only set a decade before matches are patented

Patricia: This book isn’t just offensive to native americans but humanity

James: Wait no, matches were invented in 1805

This dude is literally flipping his shit over a weirdly shaped match

Also, come on, sport

This author writes natural speech like glenn beck writes young people

ie like a sixty year old trying to sound hip

James: Reminder: at this point she’s still pretty sure he’s either trolling her or is legit crazy

And not that they are actually in the past

Patricia: lolol “oh my gosh he’s got the cutest twin dimples in his buns”

This book was written by your grandmother

James: Also something everyone does whenever sexy butts are around

“He’s absolutely gorgeous! ‘To die for,’ as the girls in my class would say”

Patricia: Uhh maybe the girls in your 1913 ettiquette class, grandma

James: Okay you are actually right, this may legit have been written by a grandma

Like any second now I am expecting her to bust out something like the bee’s knees

Or worse, an off brand version of it, like the bumblebee’s knees

The Shawnee’s knees

Patricia: I wonder if our heroines are going to stay in the past

I bet mine will bring her otl to the future

James: lolol amazing

Silver Thorn tells her she’s not fat, because she for some reason brought up the face that she was trying to lose twenty pounds

Patricia: Clearly he passes the test. Sir colin did the same when Tabitha worried his horse couldn’t take both of them at once

James: Are our books written by the same person

Patricia: A main requirement of otl is “doesn’t think you’re fat”

James: Slightly more legit requirement for otl than Is Too Lazy to Rape You during first encounter

But no less important

Patricia: I feel like it is a common trope in romance novels. The same way they make a big deal about “oh he picks me up like I was light as a feather”

James: Ooh good point, silver thorn hefts nikki like a sack over his shoulder without breaking a sweat

otl detected

lolol “I have liked 45 of your english years”

Silver thorn are you a fucking alien

Is that going to be the twist, that there is no third brother, and that you are from SPACE where solar cycles are MEANINGLESS

Though that would explain his SILVER EYES

Haha wow this is some hilariously forced exposition

He tells her Hey, its 1813, did you know that you’re not even born yet, and she replies with WELL I GUESS NONEXISTENCE WOULD BE PREFERABL TO BEING A DIVORCED CHILDLESS 30 YEAR OLD

Like not even joking

and un case you’re wondering, his appalled response is not WHAT TERRIBLE HELLSCAPE FUTURE DO YOU HAIL FROM THAT WOULD MAKE YOU THINK SOMETHING LIKE THAT

Its “What terrible deed did you do to make your husband divorce you, woman?”

TELL ME OF YOUR WICKEDNESS

I also love that she knows what a chauvanist is but still finds the cold embrace of oblivion an upgrade from being single and kidless

At 30

THE TRIFECTA OF DOOM

Lolol she tells him she’s from 1996 and he’s like whoa that’s like 200 years in the future

“For a primitive your math is very good”

APEX CULTURAL SENSITIVITY ACHIEVED

Patricia: Meanwhile Sir Colin found out she was a witch and tried to burn her but damnit if he didn’t accidentally sex her instead

James: haha what how does that even happen

WHOOPS INSTEAD OF LIGHTING THIS TORCH I ACCIDENTALLY PUT MY PENIS INSDE YOU HAHA CERTAINLY PULLED A BONER THAT TIME EH

A LITTLE YE OLDE HUMOUR FOR YOU THERE EH WOT

Patricia: She bewitched him with her sexy powers!

James: lol of course she has those

For a second I forgot she was a mary sue

First he’s too lazy to rape her, then he’s too bewitched to burn her alive

MAKE UP YOUR MIND SIR COLIN

Patricia: Tabitha is suddenly like, oh man we had unprotected sex what if I get pregnant, and then just “meh, our kids would be totes adorbs”

Also shockingly sir colin has been engaged since he was a child to SOMEONE ELSE DUN DUN DUN

James: Lol good to know sir colin is still a shitlord

Also I love that she goes from oh shit what if i get pregnant to MEH instantly

Lady, you are in medeival times, what are the chances you are going to live through childbirth

lolol he asks her what happens to his people, and “For reasons she couldn’t full fathom” (aka NARRATIVE CONVENIENCE) she suddenly believes him and just starts recounting the history of the shawnee people to him

Patricia: How did your heroine convince the dude she was from the future? Was it hard?

James: She didn’t have to, he literally brought her to the past with magic. It’s Nikki who is still kind of unconvinced they are in the past

Patricia: Tabitha just like spouted some gibberish about pop songs and room service and he was like “my god, you’re from a different time”

James: The next time alana talks about something I’m unfamiliar with I’m just going to exclaim that

Patricia: Is Nikki convinced yet?

James: She has been “inexplicably drawn into silver thorn’s make believe”

So not really but whenever its convenient she just believes him

So far. They’re still in that cave. I’m a super slow reader still lol

Patricia: Okay, everyone has decided that tabitha is an angel instead of a witch because she is nice

Oooooooooooh step off, dramatic truth revealed

HBD and Colin supposedly hate each other because HBD’s hot blonde sister was in love with colin, he knocked up but couldn’t marry her, she killed herself

Colin natch=WRACKED BY GUILT

But hbd was just like “you fool! My sister and I were lovers since we were 13! It was my baby she carried!”

So now I guess we don’t have to feel sad about that

James: haha wow

That’s hilarious

Patricia: So hbd got the amulet and colin dramatically destroyed it and killed him thinking it would trap tabitha in the past but oh no it sends her back to the future

oh noes and she’s pregnant

James: lol oh noes

Patricia: jk her dad just invents a time machine so all is well the end

James: wait what

So her mom is a witch

And her dad is Doc Brown

This like, the Mary Suest

That’s all for now. I’ll update you when James finishes about if Love Shall Conquer All…Through Time! I’m guessing probably yes.